Building Adult Ministries, Leadership for Adults Over 50

I recently heard a pastor tell about a wealthy oil man who called and said, “Reverend, I’ve never had much time for religion, but I’m getting older, and maybe I ought to make my peace with the church. I’d like to start by giving you a $20,000 check.”

The preacher said, “I immediately extended to him the right hand of Christian fellowship.” I don’t think he was joking.

The exchange was an example of manipulation, which still finds its way into the Christian ministry. Why? Because it’s effective—it just plain works! In this case, the church got a $20,000 windfall. But manipulation comes with a price. The pastor manipulated the fellow into believing he was getting Christian fellowship, but the man also manipulated the preacher by buying his way in, which we all know is an impossible relationship.

By contrast, a young man named Philip makes films with Christian themes. He became acquainted with a non-Christian who shared his interest in filmmaking techniques but rejected the importance of personal commitment to Christ. The non-Christian offered some valuable equipment, and Philip said gently, “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t accept unless you fully recognize that this gift does not get you any points with God. Your eternal destination is determined by your relationship with Christ, not whether you contribute to Christian films. Do you understand that?”

“I understand,” the friend said.

“Then I’ll accept the equipment,” Philip replied.

Those two stories illustrate the difference between motivation and manipulation. Motivation is getting people to do something out of mutual advantage. Manipulation is getting people to do what you want them to do, primarily for your advantage. If the other person benefits, it’s purely secondary. Manipulation carries a hidden agenda. Motivation carries an open agenda. You can be totally honest with people.

The young filmmaker was saying, “Do we have enough mutual interest to get all the agenda on top of the table? I’m not going to manipulate you or let you manipulate me into a brownie point religion.”

Walking the Fine Line

We all agree that motivation is good and manipulation is bad. But sometimes only a fine line separates the two, and it’s difficult to know which side of the line you’re on. The issues aren’t always clear-cut—what may be a legitimate case of motivation in one situation could, with a different intent, be manipulation.

An example is a cook who hides eggplant, which you’ve said you’ll never eat, in some kind of casserole. You say, “Hey, that’s good. What is it?” Only then does she tell you. Were you manipulated? Or motivated?

A psychiatrist friend chided me one night by saying, “You businessmen mistake manipulation for motivation. The difference is you can substitute the word thirst for motivation but not manipulation.” He was saying unless you are satisfying someone’s thirst, you are probably manipulating rather than motivating. I’ve found that to be a good principle for distinguishing between the two. I can motivate with integrity when I am bringing to consciousness a genuine thirst.

Whenever we try to motivate without the other person knowing what we are trying to do, however, we need to be careful. We can try to bring out an unrecognized latent desire, but we need to remember three things: (1) Recognize how close we are to manipulation; (2) Set a checkpoint, and if the technique doesn’t produce a genuine thirst, stop it; (3) Never resort to immoral means even for righteous ends.

Instilling motivation is hard work. It takes a lot out of me to bring you where I want you to go. I sometimes hear people say, “Well, if a person doesn’t want to go, I have no right to manipulate him to get him there.” I may not have a right to manipulate, but neither can I allow the fear of manipulation to be a rationalization for not doing the hard work of instilling motivation, which is, after all, one of the leader’s most important tasks.