Would we be applauding Joannie Rochette had she decided not to skate?
Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette will begin her quest for Olympic gold today with a heavy heart. Just hours before Rochette took to the ice on Sunday, her mother died unexpectedly. Rochette’s parents had flown in from their home in Montreal earlier in the day to watch her daughter compete this week.
They had been traveling to watch their daughter compete for years, and before that they had been shuffling her to and from ice skating practice from the time Rochette was a little girl. “She was a very supportive mom,” said one friend. “Supportive of the figure skating, but very much in the background of Joannie’s career. They had a really tight bond.” Rochette’s mother’s heart attack came completely unexpected, making her passing all the more devastating to the Olympian.
It must surely be difficult, then, for her to head back out onto the ice in pursuit of Olympic gold. Yet her competitors and friends on the Canadian team are full of support and encouragement. Benoit Lavoie, president of the Canadian Olympic skating association, said that Rochette was quickly able to control her grief. “The thing that amazed me is that she was so composed, going back into her Olympic mode.”
“Joannie is a very courageous person, and just to be here in the practice hall, I was very impressed,” the Canadian skater Cynthia Phaneuf said after the training session. “I think she is doing the right thing. She won’t get any better staying in her room. It shows how strong she is. It shows that she is a person to look up to here.”
The public too seems to hold unrealistically high expectations for Rochette. The New York Times closes its story by quoting an American skater whose mother has cancer. “I think this will spur her on to do even better.”
One critique that professional grieving counselors make of these kinds of statements is that we don’t like to be confronted with the emotions of a grieving person, so we expect the bereaved to function as if nothing had ever happened. It used to be that when someone died in Christian societies, the normal activities of life stopped. They were replaced by rituals of mourning. This provided a healthy respect for the deceased and allowed the bereaved to fully express their grief. Such rituals involved lots of community activity so that a person could–in his or her own time–resume normal life once again.
The historian of Western Christian attitudes toward dying, Philippe Aries, wrote that a death in a community once “solemnly altered space and time.” People stopped their activities and visited family members. The home was decorated so that all would know a grieving family was inside. They cared for the beloved’s corpse. And eventually, they carried it on to the church to worship a final time and then to the grave to rest until Christ returned.
Christians made a big deal out of death. If the death of a member of a community wasn’t worth lamenting, then what was her life worth? Of course, Christians historically made sure they did not mourn as those who have no hope, as the apostle Paul admonished. Yet, hope in the resurrection and belief that we would be reunited with our loved ones only means that a relationship, now broken, will be repaired. The ache of loss still mattered.
Of course, the Olympic Games cannot be stopped to allow space for a skater in mourning. And Rochette may truly feel that competing today is what is best for her and what her mother would have wanted. After all, the Olympics only come every four years. I wish her the best of luck out on the ice this evening.
Nevertheless, I can’t help but wonder: Would it be so bad if Rochette chose not to skate, out of respect for her mother and her own grief? And if she did, would the public also respect that choice? Would we be as quick to commend her actions if she made a different — equally courageous — choice and didn’t take to the ice? Or would we be disappointed that she wasn’t able to compartmentalize her grief and focus on “getting back to normal”?
Posted by Ted Olsen on February 23, 2010 7:14PM
Comments
Most of what I'm reading in the Canadian media is saying, no, it wouldn't be a bad thing if she chose not to compete. Her coaches have given her the freedom to cancel even a minute before her performance
Posted by: Chris at February 23, 2010
Wow! Dissecting and analyzing this poor girl's grief just a couple of days after her mother died? How she deals with her grief is her own business. Leave the girl alone. Good heavens.
Posted by: Christian Lawyer at February 24, 2010
Ted,
I hear you. Let's honor those who grieve by giving place to and validating grief.
On the other hand, perhaps Joannie is honoring her mom by skating. Would she feel that her mom's sacrificial help might have been wasted if she didn't skate? Maybe not skating would exacerbate her grief.
Regards,
Grace Freak Dan
Recent Blog - "Is unmerited really unmerited"
http://gracefreakdan.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/is-%E2%80%9Cunmerited%E2%80%9D-really-unmerited/
Posted by: Dan (Grace Freak) at February 24, 2010
This isn't a comment on what Ms. Rochette chooses to do with her grief. Rather it's a comment on the public expectation that she do nothing to show that grief and instead to act as though nothing had happened. That may be Ms. Rochette's best choice. But the fact that everyone is telling her that she should compete and that the added burden of her mother's death will make her perform even better--that is what I find disturbing.
Posted by: Rob Moll at February 24, 2010
I, too, am surprised that you would write about this, Rob. It seems very judgmental and, I believe, adds a heavier burden to a young girl who has suffered a great loss and has had to make a tough decision. Just my opinion.
Posted by: muse at February 24, 2010
The public, her coach and other competitors have in fact said that they think that it would be alright for her to continue skating. Do not misrepresent them, or exercise a right to be judgmental on "Christian" grounds. Your attitude that there is something slightly wrong with her decision is contrary to those of most Christians I know. What happened to charity and compassion?
I think the choice to continue with life and obligations, or to withdraw is a personal one. I have always felt that the enforced ritualization of mourning into a prison for the grieving survivors has no merit, nor should we bound to the strictures imposed by ages of the past in which neither compassion, nor regard for individuality were important.
Posted by: LG at February 24, 2010
After staying up to watch Ms. Rochette last night, its clear that she's not hiding her grief. And even now as a write this, she brings tears to my eyes. She is in shock and reeling from it all. As an athlete, I understand why she would continue. She is doing what she knows; the things that give her some sense of normalcy. Yes, many have placed unrealistic expectations on her and I hope everyone (fans, press, fellow-competitors) give her the space she will need. For now, however, recognize that she is an outstanding young woman.
Posted by: trierr at February 24, 2010
(continued)
However, I would never impose my personal feelings on another. Respect for the dead and grief can be shown in many ways.
Posted by: LG at February 24, 2010
I don't think Rob is at all dissecting or judging the skater's choices in how she is expressing her grief. Rather I see this article as a very good commentary that should cause us as Christians to think about our expectations of a grieving person. Grief is not a simple, cut and dried, process. Everyone experiences it differently and it is very personal. I think this was a great article Rob - thanks for writing it in a way that should cause us to be pensive on our own grief expectations.
Posted by: Carol at February 24, 2010
In defense of Rob’s commentary, we analyze the way we do because such events evoke universal questions. Joannie Rochette could not have done less than perform. Survivors honor their dead in pursuing the dream for which they lived, and we honor the survivors by showing them we notice.
Is the adulation too public? Of course. Callous expectations like the New York Times comment on another athlete will always be there. A couple months after my first wife died, one of the members of my Christian writers group said, “Your writing is going to skyrocket.” She saw only the straight line from beginning to end, but the fact that she noticed was more important to me than her moral near miss. In my brokenness I could foresee only moral scoliosis growing from the rubble. I needed someone else to see an oak tree.
So for Joannie Rochette, apply the moral lesson from Romans 12:15 as we cheer her on. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”
Posted by: Doug Knox at February 25, 2010
I can relate in a small way. My mother died one day before an awards ceremony that I was to attend (the company which I own was to be a recipient). I felt my attendance at the event honoured my mother more than going into a solitary mourning. She was a great supporter and would have been bitterly disappointed had I not attended. Frankly no one but Joannie can make that call with respect to her grief and her own mother's wishes.
Posted by: Nora Charles at February 25, 2010
Good post, Rob. You're right to highlight our skewed habit of assigning heroism to one particular type of grief response.
What is missing from the discussion is the element of shock. When someone dies suddenly, their loved ones sometimes go into shock and appear to function "heroically" in the aftermath, when the reality is that what has happened is too immense to fully absorb and activity helps a person cope in the short term. It's a way to temporarily manage the chaos. As activities surrounding the death pass, a person is, as you note, too often left to face their grief alone.
Posted by: Christine A. Scheller at February 26, 2010
So, it's not a comment on what this woman chooses to do with her grief? It's just a comment on the public's comment on what she chooses to do with her grief? Wow, just wow!
Posted by: Christian Lawyer at February 26, 2010
I don't think Rob is being judgemental at all. I think he's merely observing that we as a society no longer seem to make room for the grieving processing. That has deeper effects than we realize. I recently finished reading Monica Seles' book and it seems that many of her problems had as much to do with not being able to take time to grieve the loss of her father as deal with the stabbing. Death is a significant event in a life. We cannot go through it by repressing it or acting as if it doesn't touch us or affect us.
Posted by: Gigi at March 8, 2010
Everyone deals with grief in their own way. We should not judge how this young lady manages her grief. Skating in the Olympics is a once in a lifetime opportunity- and one her mother- who was so supportive of her- would not have wanted her to miss.
I am certain that this young lady went through the normal stages of grief once off the ice.
Posted by: debbie at July 1, 2010
Post a comment