Gossips Anonymous
September 25, 2007 |
A little while back, I learned a very juicy (and heartbreaking) tidbit of info. While I was dying to follow up with a “Why? What happened?” I didn’t. I simply said I’d pray for the people involved but wouldn’t talk about it anymore. And although immediately five friends sprang to mind who would LOVE to hear this tidbit, I didn’t call or email any of them. Not because I’m so righteous or so above gossip. Instead it’s because I’m so broken and am a gossip—albeit, one in “recovery.”
You see, a few years ago after working through a “fearless moral inventory” of myself, of all the bad things I am (jealous, materialistic, judgmental…) gossip really rose to the top (the cream of my sins, you might say) as something that eats at my soul and hinders my Christian life. While I was never the type of gossip who’d start rumors or betray a confidence, I certainly listened to rumors and to others betray confidences (thinking this was okay since the buck would stop with me. Which it did.) And I did my fair share of passing on “news” or sharing someone else’s unfortunate experience simply so I could dissect it with friends—thinking we did this only out of concern and love, of course. But all the while I got quite the rush out of all that “concern” and “love.”
So when I realized the horrid role gossip played in my life, I repented and asked God to remove my desire to hear and share and enjoy other people’s business. And is so often the case with God, had I known how he was going to answer this and deliver me from my affliction, I might never have asked!
It seemed no sooner did I pray, than a whole slew of events began swirling around my life—each of which made me the target of gossip: My parents split up (happy family illusion shattered!). My dad could be dating—I don’t ask (whom might he be seen with around town now?). My husband’s business nosedived for a bit, and we took a financial hit (they’ll start wondering why we don't take those nice vacations anymore!). My husband—prompted by the Holy Spirit—started opening up in a pretty public way about some issues he struggled with in his life (perfect family illusion, shattered again!).
Understanding what it felt like to be the gossipee, made me quit cold turkey. Well, sort of. My husband reminds me that those celebrity blogs I visit don’t exactly keep me on the wagon. And kind of like how recovering food addicts need to navigate the treacherous terrain of what constitutes healthy eating and what is compulsive eating, In leadership positions, especially, I’ve found myself confronted often with what constitutes gossip and what is simply sharing stories, passing important information, or creating community, even. Deborah Tannen in You Just Don’t Understand goes so far as to defend the role of gossip in a woman’s life. In a chapter called, “Gossip,” she writes: “Although gossip can be destructive, it isn’t always; it can serve a crucial function in establishing intimacy—especially if it is not ‘talking against’ but simply ‘talking about’” (emphasis mine).
As much as I appreciate the wisdom of this linguist, the wisdom of the One Who Invented Language says this in Proverbs 16:28, “The perverse stir up dissention, and gossips separate close friends” (TNIV; again, emphasis mine).
So it comes down to determining what gossip is. And as leaders—women who hold vast amounts of information, stories, experience, and even “dirt”—we need to understand the difference between what constitutes gossip and what may be a legit form of connecting or sharing pertinent information (e.g., sharing a work-related issue with a boss or a true concern with a friend). I’ve heard one good way of determining gossip is to ask yourself if you’re either a part of the problem or the solution. If you are neither, shut your ears and your mouth. Does that always work? I can also use Scripture here: if it separates people, it’s gossip. I can think of situations where as a leader, I’ve needed to walk that thin rope carefully—and the distinction of what is gossip and what is pertinent gets murky. So I ask you, gifted women, what your thoughts and experiences as to how we should discern and then handle gossip?
Caryn Rivadeneira, former managing editor of Marriage Partnership, Christian Parenting Today, and Women’s and Family Resources at Christianity Today International, is a freelance editor and writer. She and her family live in the western suburbs of Chicago.Visit her at her blog: www.carynrivadeneira.com
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on September 25, 2007
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Comments
I like that you pointed out
...“Although gossip can be destructive, it isn’t always;
and
"we need to understand the difference between what constitutes gossip and what may be a legit form of connecting or sharing pertinent information"
Perhaps we need a definition word for the latter.
I've had times when I've been told something and I don't really want to carry the load myself. I guess I could ask the person if I can share it with someone else. But there have been times I have passed on just enough information to someone else because I thought it would be helpful to the person with the problem. For instance, the second person might reach out to them more and offer support beyond myself.
In each case we are helped to consider the underlying motive. Did we share to create drama, or because doing so would be helpful in the long run?
Posted by: Rosalie G on September 25, 2007
Your perspective is so refreshing. People really lose sight of how destructive the tongue is. It is the member of the body that is able to start wars. I can remember early on when I felt that I was just sharing information that was not hurtful, but in retrospect it didn't edify the persons character or enlighten anyones thinking. The bible tells us that gossip is like "tasty morsels". Your honesty brought all of this back to my mind. None of us would like our faults and shortcomings scattered flippantly around friendships or communities. Unfortunately, everyone or should I say every Christian is not able to handle information the same way Christ handled weaknesses, sin, scandel or exposure. We all should consider ourselves before we volunteer to "share" with our close friends because everyone feels that they have one good friend they can trust. Before you know it 12, 25, 63 people have a candid version of a friend divulging the story. Then comes the rejection, or those by the way conversations on the topic of..., the closed doors, the bitterness and ultimately broken relationships. Consider yourself. Love others as Christ demonstrated love; and consideration for a soul while he still brought deliverance. I too have been hurt deeply by others who felt that my personhood had no value. Thank you for bringing it back to my remembrance as I strive to uphold the standard on my side.
Posted by: Marissa on September 25, 2007
I damaged a friendship by gossiping this past week -- and I hadn't even realized I'd done it.
My friend was hurting due to a family situation. I knew the situation was private, but I took it upon myself to tell one other close Christian friend so she could pray for her. I felt my motives were sincere. I believed the additional prayer would help the situation. I felt burdened by the information a bit and somehow knowing someone else was praying too helped me alleviate that sense of burden.
But the word "got out" about the situation... and I was devastated by what I had unwittingly done.
I honestly don't think I was trying to gossip...but I did break confidentiality rather lightly. Because my motives were "good" I felt it was OK. But it wasn't. Because the friend I told was also a mature Christian, I felt the matter would stay private. But it didn't.
Thankfully my friend forgave me and we've moved on. But I do fear that she'll feel tentative about trusting me in the future.
It's so tempting to take information casually when to others that information might be private and very sensitive. Gossip takes many forms and I'm learning to recognize the truth that sometimes my efforts to "care" are actually a form of gossip that can hurt others.
Thanks for writing on this topic. God has taught me a big lesson this week and your words have confirmed the necessity of taking this issue very, very seriously.
Posted by: Anonymous on September 26, 2007
Caryn, I thought this was a great--and honest--blog posting. Thanks for opening up on this! It's interesting; this must be on the Lord's heart for women. I too was contemplating about writing on gossip for the TCW Editors Blog, but I guess I'm glad I didn't--you covered it so well. I think we've all been hurt--and we've all hurt others--with gossip. No wonder God's Word says what it says about the tongue! Thanks again for sharing.
Posted by: Jane Johnson Struck on September 26, 2007
Caryn, I love the reminder, "if we're not part of the problem or the solution, shut our ears and our mouth." That helps me navigate those questionable conversations I find myself in. Also, loved your response of offering to pray rather than respond. I have a person in my life whom I respect dearly but gossips regularly to me. I will offer to pray next time rather than politely nod my head.
Posted by: Sharon Houk on September 27, 2007
Wow, another poignant and eye-opening article! This one really hit home. Thanks, Caryn.
Marissa's reminder to consider my motives, when I "share" made me sit up and take note because, the Woord is correct, other people's business can tend to be like "tasty morsels!!!"
What struck the deeepest blow to my Christian conciousness was her word-picture describing the end-result of gossip, "Then comes the rejection, or those by the way conversations on the topic of..., the closed doors, the bitterness and ultimately broken relationships. Consider yourself."
I will take this to heart!
Posted by: Fancy on September 27, 2007
I once came across a way of determining if one should pass on or listen to information on people or not, from a canadian pastor, M. Allard. Three questions. If you answer one of them negatively you probably shouldn't speak or listen to whatever it is.
1. Have I/you verified it is true?
2. Would the person it concerns be happy/helped with me knowing or telling someone?
3. Is it edifying for the person being told the information?
Posted by: Ornella on September 29, 2007
We need to be very careful when it comes to passing on information in the form of prayers. I really believe that it is gossip in disguise. We can pray for someone without knowing all the details, or letting others know all the details. In fact, it can be a more powerful prayer because we don't / can't insert our own "solutions."
Posted by: jeanne on October 1, 2007
I was involved with reverse gossip and got in trouble for it anyway. Someone at work told me, in front of other coworkers that I had gain weight. ( They are of a different ethnic descent.) My coworkers were out- raged at the the comment, (I work out daily and have lost 30 lbs in the past year-with still some to go). I have gained 5lbs back and she proceeded to tell me. My coworkers could not believe it and the word got around the whole office. The girl who told me this confronted my boss and blamed me for the gossip. My boss said that if she hears it in the office anymore she was going to HR. I feel like a victim with no recourse. She told me that she told the girl that it is not an appropriate thing to tell someone, especially a co-worker, and the girl said that she didn't realize it was wrong. (If I told her she gained weight, I would be in trouble). Now I did tell a couple of people because I am hurt, but I guess the Lord was telling me that He is my vindicator.(sp)
Gossip is destructive...and there is a fine line of what is and what isn't gossip
Posted by: Cheryl on October 1, 2007
I too needed to read your very honest and transparent posting. In our present role, my husband and I have been the victims of many rounds of gossip. You would think I would learn from that, but I struggle with knowing what info needs to be passed on, and which should just be passed on to Christ. I also can relate to the need to vindicate myself, and show others what these gossips are doing to my family, and ultimately, our church. But I was reminded this weekend by my husband (and senior pastor), that God says vengence is His, and when we choose to try to take that on ourselves, we are actually stealing from God. (I'm still chewing on that...)
Posted by: Judi on October 2, 2007
Whoa, believe it is not by chance after writing my fist blog and posting on betrayal on friendship (what my friend is going through with her other friend whom I do not know) and reading your article about gossips and tongue.
Yeah, lately I was praying and asking GOD to get my tongue saved...ha! ha! ha! True, my spirit is saved but my tongue is not...on the way though as I am willing and asking the Holy Spirit to help me overcome. Not so much gossips but for me I was quick to make comments, critic (so have to be quick to listen but slow to speak like in the book of James said).
I suppose we just have to be real and honest with GOD about our motive in sharing information with others and usually if we are sensitive, the Holy Spirit will convict us that it is wrong to share (gossip) or okay to share the story to help others relate with the issue at hand but no name mentioned.
So, when we take heed of what the Word of GOD said, "quick to listen but slow to speak" we can avoid alot of strife and misunderstanding....
Whether we are the culprit or at the receiving end, learn to walk over offences and forgive and bless...Gal 2:20 a dead person will not be able to response in the flesh..die to self, die to our emotion, die to our self pity party, die to our right to confront, die to our right to be angry......
Posted by: Shalom on October 3, 2007