Lead as You Are
January 29, 2008 |
After a difficult morning filled with tantrums, a sass mouth, and general disobedience from my normally lovely preschool-aged daughter, I lost it. As we walked back to the car after dropping my son at kindergarten—or I should say as I walked and she stomped through every snow drift I told her to avoid—she yelled ahead to me, “Mom, STOP! I want to be the LEADER!”
At that, I turned around and nearly hissed, “Honey, to be the leader, you need to be the fastest and the best. You can’t lead acting like that!” I know what you’re thinking: That belongs in the annals of mothering wisdom right up there with “Eat your vegetables” and “Mind your manners.” NOT!
Nearly as soon as I said these ridiculous words, shock and shame hit. Not only because I had said them in such an ugly way to my little girl, but because I think I believed what I said. And that exposes a huge hypocrisy in me.
For the past year at Gifted for Leadership, we’ve been trying to stimulate thoughtful conversation for all types of women leaders—who bring all sorts of gifts and abilities and personalities to the table in their leadership. Yet here I was spewing words that showed what I really believe about leaders—that we need to be fast-paced, hard-driving (albeit really nice) people. Like me.
Here I was telling my daughter, whom, of course, I love beyond measure, that how she is doesn’t match up with who leaders are. That her slower pace, that her way of thinking and behaving (on good days, we call this “out of the box;” on bad days, it’s full-on rebellion!) don’t mesh with leadership. Essentially, I told her that how God made her isn’t right for leadership. I just pray she wasn’t listening (since this was a “bad day,” she probably wasn’t!).
Since then, I’ve been going overboard praising her gifts and complimenting her personality—so different from mine—and giving her plenty of opportunities to “be the leader” in her own way, as long as she’s respectful, of course. Sassed-mouth leaders still won’t fly with me.
But just as I’ve been trying to repair what I said to my daughter, I’ve been trying to repair the thoughts behind the words. Of course, all leaders share many qualities—a desire to see change, the willingness to take responsibility, and the courage to set up and take action—the manner in which we do this varies. As it should! Because women—whether as mothers, daughters, students, workers, volunteers, leaders, or followers—shouldn’t continue to be subject to easy stereotypes. We should fight for the right to be ourselves, and to lead as we’re gifted.
Caryn Rivadeneira, former managing editor of Marriage Partnership, Christian Parenting Today, and Women’s and Family Resources at Christianity Today International, is a freelance editor and writer. She and her family live in the western suburbs of Chicago. Visit her blog: Mama's Got a Fake ID!
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on January 29, 2008
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Comments
As it becomes more acceptable for women to consider themselves 'leaders', it's important to remember what leadership in the context of Christianity, means.
Servant. As the Lord washed the disciples feet, he clearly showed the way.
Women have been leaders for a long, long time.
I hope they don't accept the leader as 'rock star' syndrome that has affected many contemporary churches.
I remember when Calvary Chapel started in Costa Mesa. Pastor Chuck would be found mowing the lawn, cleaning the grounds, etc.
Posted by: Elizabeth on January 29, 2008
Caryn,
Don't beat yourself up too much. Any of us who have strong willed children have said things that we regret later simply because they know how to "push our buttons." My daughter now 25 was one of those strong willed ones, and I too had a few of those "shooting off my mouth" times when she was your daughter's age. (My son now 23 was a heck of a lot more easy to toilet train too). In the meantime, be careful of going overboard with the praise trying to "make up" for what you said. Instead be balanced and give praise & compliments when they're due. Otherwise they're about as helpful as that self-esteem craze we had going. Substantive praise and compliments will go a lot farther and will help her as she grows up.
Posted by: Rev. Carlene on January 29, 2008
Thank you,Caryn, for such a wonderful message. Well,it's taught me to mind my tongue even when I'm angry. I'm a teacher and I have just been discouraged from speaking nerve-wrecking words to my students(and to everyone) by your positive confession. Thanks again and God richly bless you!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jonas Ocran on January 30, 2008
Thank you for your insight and reminder that God gives everyone different leadership gifts. We need to remember to praise them and encourage them as leaders we can gain such wisdom and knowledge from different techniques.
Posted by: Karen on February 5, 2008
God does give many gifts, but how we respond to different gifting raises real questions for me about what God’s own intentions about leadership might be.
I’ve worked professionally at the director level in both large corporate and smaller religious organizations, all of which were predominantly male. At age 50, I see the bias against women’s “leadership styles” remains consistent. In fact, The New York Times reported last November a study by Catalyst, an organization that studies women in the workplace. That study found that across cultures, "while the view of an ideal leader varied from place to place — in some regions [of the world] the ideal leader was a team builder, in others the most valued skill was problem-solving. But whatever was most valued, women were seen as lacking it."
So while at 18 I would have called myself a feminist, and while as a relatively new Christian at 30 I looked to the "evangelical feminists" for self-definition--including one aging evangelical lion who, perhaps, no longer needed to be in charge to know he was an important man--I'm not sure I'd follow those readings of the texts any longer.
For me, after 30 years of professional employment (and a decade married to a Christian man who thinks he’s a feminist!) life seems to echo the traditional reading of the texts. Men seem unable to respond to women holding authority--whether that woman works authoritatively or collaboratively, whether here, or in Germany, or in Denmark, or beyond. Maybe that's really how we're wired. Maybe, in other words, we were created that way. And maybe, just like I’ve managed people who are more capable than me and been managed by people who are less capable than me, it’s not all about merit. It’s just about who’s in charge. In other words, “Because Caryn’s the Mommy—that’s why!”
Posted by: caroline on February 6, 2008
Hi, i have been enriched by this column. I am a young women's leader in my church and would like to tap from your wealth of knowledge. please could you send me regular materials that will help widden my horizon? Betty Peter,Nigeria
Posted by: Betty Peter on February 8, 2008
hello i have just being blessed by your write-ups could you please send regular materials to help me lead the women in my church?
Posted by: oluwadana frances on February 14, 2008
I can relate to snapping at my children, infact it's more than snapping, I have been very angry with them. I'm a Pastor's wife and became one when we planted a church 6 years ago in Jamaica. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I have anger problems and so I started Celebrate Recovery which we just launched at our church. I feel like I had to say where I was at to our congrgation but that God would keep using me as a leader..
Posted by: Samantha Cowan on May 24, 2008