When Men- and Women-Only IS Okay
May 30, 2008 |
Last month I posted a blog about my irritation over a fundraising auction item for “gentlemen” to golf at an all-male golf club. I appreciated all the wonderful, thoughtful responses (even the one saying that said God didn’t create men and women “equal.” Did men get more of the image of God? Yes, we’re different—praise the Lord—but how can we not be equal?) But I digress….
Over this past month, I’ve spent time digesting these comments, praying about the issue, and thinking through some possible reasons why an all-male golf club bothers me and yet I’m great with a doctor who only sees women patients delivering my babies. The title of my post asked, “Is Men- and Women-Only Ever Okay?” Of course, it was an over-the-top question, and I absolutely think men- and women-only are often okay—with some stipulations. So I came up with some “guidelines” or rationales for when gender-only events work and when they ought to happen. Feel free to let me know where I’m off-base or what I’ve missed, but here are four benefits of gender-exclusive events that make them “okay”:
1.Privacy. We’re talking bathrooms, locker room, changing rooms, this sort of thing. Though some universities and the like have tried the unisex thing here, I don’t go for that. Come on; that’s just gross.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 30, 2008 | Comments (4)
Armor at the Beach
May 28, 2008 |
I don’t play poker, but maybe I should. I’ve got the face for it.
I developed my “poker face” early in life, but my leadership roles have helped me to perfect it. My ability to keep my emotions off my face—and to maintain a steady exterior—has seen me though many sticky situations. Like any skill, this is a tool I can use for good. My emotional control has granted me time to cool off when I otherwise might have blown up at someone. It has kept me from exposing weaknesses to people who might have exploited them to hurt me or my employer. It has helped me inspire in others a sense of confidence they might not otherwise have felt.
But in other ways, exercising this skill is like wearing armor at the beach: it does more harm than good. It protects me from threats that don’t exist. It prevents me from enjoying some of life’s greatest gifts. It makes me feel unknown and unaccepted. It actually becomes a liability. Sure, the poker face protects me from the vulnerability of letting others know when I feel overwhelmed, inadequate, confused, or simply sad. But it also keeps me from the normalizing discovery that others feel the same way. And it keeps me from showing when I’m happy, excited, and grateful.
Posted by Amy Simpson on May 28, 2008 | Comments (6)
Food for Thought
May 27, 2008 |
Beware of pride. There is always a great spiritual danger in thinking that if in some area we have satisfied a specific, concrete demand we have done everything that God requires. Ten percent is a lot of money to some folks; to others it's not very much. Isn't that one of the lessons to be learned from Jesus' comments about the widow's mite? To suppose that God demands 10 percent—and nothing more—can itself foster a remarkably independent and idolatrous attitude: “This bit is for God, and the rest is mine by right.” Likewise, if you choose to give more than 10 percent, you may become inebriated from the contemplation of your own generosity.
Posted by Bonnie McMaken on May 27, 2008 | Comments (0)
In The Face Of Tragedy
May 23, 2008 |
Yesterday in our weekly team meeting we prayed again for three people we know who are dying from cancer.
Later that day I received an email requesting prayer for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family as they face the tragic death of their youngest daughter.
Today, on my walk home there was a tiny bird squeaking in the grass—its wing broken. I don’t know if it will make it.
Sometimes the world just seems to press in on you; taking your breath away as it confronts you with sorrow upon sorrow. There’s no avoiding it, no looking away and smelling the flowers. It’s just too awful…and your heart can’t take it. You groan for a new heaven and a new earth. This one is just so broken.
130,000 dead in Myanmar. 2 million more homeless.
Over 55,000 dead in China. 25,000 more unaccounted for. 4,000 children orphaned.
Who can stand in the face of such tragedy?
Today I have more questions than answers.
Posted by Roxanne Wieman on May 23, 2008 | Comments (4)
The Title I Didn't Ask For
May 20, 2008 |
I married a banker. I like to remind my banker-turned-pastor husband of this when we’re having a particularly difficult time in the ministry. Although I wouldn’t trade his occupation (some would say “calling”), my husband’s career choice bestowed on me a title I never bargained for when we walked down the aisle.
I am a pastor’s wife.
While I know plenty of women who are thrilled to bear this title, I’ve never worn it very well. I was always confused by the girls at the Christian college I attended who said they felt “called to become a pastor’s wife.” Since I grew up Catholic, I was astonished to learn that pastors were allowed to marry. More shocking to me, however, was the idea that God would call a woman to be a spouse of someone’s occupation.
How do we treat the women (and men) who happen to be married to our pastors? Do we balance them precariously on high pedestals? Do we set impossible-to-live-up-to expectations for them to follow? Are we quick to criticize when they fail or act (gasp!) human? Will we take the time to get to know—really know—them?
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 20, 2008 | Comments (16)
Food for Thought
May 19, 2008 |
Good parents openly affirm their children: “We appreciate your good behavior.” Or, “You're doing a great job in school.” They also know when to discipline: “If you jump on your bed again, you will be punished.” Thus, children know where they stand and what they need to do.
Continue reading...Posted by Bonnie McMaken on May 19, 2008 | Comments (0)
Putting Relationship in Its Place
May 16, 2008 |
Last weekend was spent doing one of those uber-stressful things: buying a car. We are a one-car family and tend to drive our cars until they die and our trusty Sebring could no longer be trusted so it was time to replace it. For us, a major purchase like this is almost traumatic. We are very careful and have a purchasing style that might drive others insane.
Like the time we spent an entire weeks vacation deciding on the perfect dining room table. Or the time we went to five different stores to compare blenders.
And then there was the vacuum cleaner.
You might chalk it up to good stewardship, but that is probably too noble. At any rate all these purchases were made with strict attention, so you can imagine if it takes us a week to buy a table—well, let's just say buying a car is a really big deal. Pressured by the looming death of our Sebring leaving us “carless,” we weathered the stressful gauntlet of various dealerships and salesmen. By Friday night we had narrowed it down to two different options, and by Saturday morning we had decided on a used Element.
But then we looked at the new ones.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 16, 2008 | Comments (2)
5 (un)Real Role Models
May 13, 2008 |
From Hillary to Miley to Condi to Britney, I find most discussion about female role models in popular culture pretty idiotic. There’s always some big “controversy” brewing in the media about women in the limelight: Too emotional or too robotic? Way too sexy or too pear-shaped in a pantsuit? Overly assertive or too demure? Too many dates or too many pounds?
Despite all the controversy and chit-chat about prominent women in the media, there’s one arena in which pop culture has gotten it right: fiction. In recent years, movies, books, and TV shows have presented us with some amazing female characters deserving of our admiration. In their honest depictions of the complexity of what it means to be flawed and human, these fictional women are as real as it gets. So here’s my personal toast to 5 great female characters and the traits that make them work emulating:
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 13, 2008 | Comments (17)
Food for Thought
May 12, 2008 |
There are a lot of myths concerning modesty. One of them is that modesty is Victorian. But, in fact, it dates back way before the Victorian era. It’s in the Bible. As long as we’ve been human we’ve needed modesty, because as humans we don’t just have sex; we also have emotions and vulnerability. Modesty prevented us from being vulnerable with the wrong people. It also protected deep, erotic connections between the right people. When you’re young, modesty protects innocence, but when you’re older it protects profound connections.
Posted by Bonnie McMaken on May 12, 2008 | Comments (3)
Mother's Day's Surprising History
May 9, 2008 |
On Sunday, May 11, our nation will celebrate the 100th year anniversary of Mother’s Day. The United Kingdom began celebrating mothers much earlier than the United States. In the 17th century, on “Mothering Sunday,” children in the UK presented their mothers with flowers and “Mothering Cakes.” Early Christians celebrated a sort of mother’s day each year (on the fourth Sunday of Lent), when they remembered and celebrated the Virgin Mary, the Mother of Christ. Legend points to mother’s day remembrances practiced each spring by the ancient Romans and Greeks.
Now observed in more than 46 countries (often set on different dates), official and annual Mother’s Day celebrations give people the opportunity to thank their own mothers as well as recognize the valuable impact upon society the world’s mothers make and have made.
United States citizen and social activist, Julia Ward Howe (who wrote the Civil War song, “Battle Hymn of the Republic”), wrote a powerful “Mothers Day Proclamation” in Boston in 1870. She called for women to unite against war and work together to promote peace. (See www.rediscovermothersday.org/). She failed, however, to get formal and national recognition of an official Mother’s Day for Peace.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 9, 2008 | Comments (0)
Setting Ministry Boundaries
May 6, 2008 |
The biggest change Christ made in my life is a desire to serve others rather than myself. Before I became a Christian, it was all about me. Afterward, I was drawn to the weak and hurting and constantly looked for opportunities to minister. I took to heart Jesus’ instruction that if I wanted to save my life, I had to lose it. This led me to full-time Christian work and helping to plant a church.
What I didn’t know then, but am learning now, is that I simply cannot help some people. I’m sure that I understood this intellectually. I was aware of the joke: “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, if the light bulb wants to be changed,” but I thought I would have a lot more success than most psychiatrists since I had help from the Lord of the Universe. And that’s true. I do have help a secularist could never tap into.
I thought those who were wounded would be able to understand God’s love if I just loved them enough. In some cases, this happened. Some that I loved did understand God’s love and were able to move beyond the hurts of their past. However, others couldn’t comprehend the love I offered and only found reasons to blame me for their lack of comprehension. I became the recipient of all their anger.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 6, 2008 | Comments (15)
Food for Thought
May 5, 2008 |
When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his hurtful act. You recreate him. At one moment you identify him inerradicably as the person who did you wrong. The next moment you change that identity. He is remade in your memory.
You think of him now not as the person who hurt you, but as a person who needs you. You feel him now not as the person who alienated you, but as the person who belongs to you. Once you branded him as a person powerful in evil, but now you see him as a person weak in his needs. You recreated your past by recreating the person whose wrong made your past painful.
Posted by Bonnie McMaken on May 5, 2008 | Comments (2)
The Peaceful Life
May 2, 2008 |
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the topic of “organization”—living an orderly, well-managed life in every respect. Organization is something that’s never been easy for me. I should say, it’s something that’s never been for me. I go from day to day “reinventing the wheel” so to speak—always trying to discover the best way to keep up with myself and the things I have to accomplish as a busy mom, housewife, ministry leader, freelancer, homeschooler, cook, laundry maid, and whatever else I’m sure I’ve forgotten.
While I constantly deal with my “management-challenged” lifestyle, I also combat the desire for complete perfection in all aspects of my life at all times. So that makes me a disorganized perfectionist. I suppose this could explain a lot of my troubles.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 2, 2008 | Comments (3)
