Needy People
June 20, 2008 |
Several years ago, I had a conversation with a woman whose grown children lived all over the country—or even the globe, I think. When I asked her if that was hard for her to be so far away, she said, “Not really. I guess I don’t really like being needed.”
At the time—as a new mom with one baby boy—this kind of appalled me. I mean, what kind of mom would miss being needed? Fast forward several years and a couple more kids, and I see where she was coming from. Never more clearly than these past first few weeks of summer. The weather’s been beautiful and my kids and I have had a lot of fun, but the “neediness” of my kids has hit record levels. I swear I get “Mom, can you…?” and “Mom, where’s my….?” and “Mom, help me find….” flying at me from three directions nonstop for what seems like all day—and a long day, that can be. If you have kids, I’m sure you’ve been there.
But what days like this tell me is that I—like the woman from a few years back—am not that much of a fan of being needed myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, love my kids and am there to answer most of their requests and want to meet every need I can (or should), but the continual requests and needs and “Mom! Mom! Mom!” can make me batty.
Truth be told, it’s not just with my kids that I wrestle with neediness. I have a hard time with “needy” people in general. More than once in my professional or volunteer career, I’ve wanted to shake those people who ask, ask, ask, and need, need, need and yell at them: “Can’t you just figure this out yourself? You don’t need me to do this!”
While I’ve never shaken anyone, I’m sure the look on my face or tone of my voice has betrayed my annoyance and resulted in some not-so-shining moments as a me as leader—or as someone who’s willing to help.
But the trouble with needy people, I think—or at least my trouble with them—is that they get in the way, right? I mean, we have our plans laid out, our things we need to do, our big purpose for the day, week, year, or whatever, and these requests take us away from what’s important.
But here’s what I need to remember: I first heard Carolyn Custis James touch on this back at Gifted for Leadership’s incredible Synergy conference in April (the next one—a do-not-miss!—is this March 6-8), but read it again in her latest book, The Gospel of Ruth. About Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi, Carolyn writes: “Even their ordinary activities are laden with significance. … What looks from their vantage point as simple acts of loving and caring for one another will actually take on cosmic proportions. They labor and sacrifice to bring blessing to each other, and simultaneously bring blessing to the world.”
I should really tack that up on my wall. Because what’s being talked about here is the significance of meeting needs. And while Naomi and Ruth’s needs aren’t exactly “ordinary” in the sense I’m talking about (we’re talking survival, not shoe-tying!), Carolyn’s words ring true. Because laboring and sacrificing for others, as she writes, is what need-meeting is all about. And in doing so we bless not only the people we’re helping, but also the world beyond them. We may never know how so—Naomi and Ruth didn’t know a king would run in the family, or the Messiah for that matter!
But what a wonderful reminder that those “needy” people, those demands for our time and attention and help for even the “ordinary,” those things that seem like annoying interruptions, taking us away from what’s important turn out to be the Big Important Thing. Even if we can’t see it now, meeting needs—no matter how small or how many—blesses, sometimes with “cosmic proportions.” Seems I should start liking to be needed more.
What do you think?
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Caryn Rivadeneira, former managing editor of Marriage Partnership, Christian Parenting Today, and Women’s and Family Resources at Christianity Today International, is a freelance editor and writer. She and her family live in the western suburbs of Chicago. Visit her blog: Mama's Got a Fake ID!
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on June 20, 2008
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Comments
Oh my goodness. You know God puts things in your life just when you need them, doesn't he?! I have had this newsletter in my inbox for several days now and this AM I was about to delete it without even reading it. But as I was about ready to hit the delete button I re-considered doing so. Really do not know why either. But something just said scroll down and see whats in this email.
I am so glad I read your article. My daughter (almost 3) is the most needy person I have ever met in my life and no it has nothing to do with her age. My son was NEVER like that. The last week or so I have just wanted to hide from her. Every 10 seconds its mommy this and mommy that and whine and nag etc. I was beggining to feel as if I was a bad mom for thinking the same things that you wrote about above.
Your right! I need to have more of a servants heart and forget about MY agenda. Latley I have been having the feeling of "Shes in the way". I homeschool too and I have that feeling with her too when I am doing my sons math, grammer and reading with him (the rest of our subjects she sits in on). And that is just NOT RIGHT!!! She is not in the way. I love her with all my heart and soul and would lay down my life for her. But I can not get past this feeling latley.
I guess the reason I am writing is to say thank you for being so revealing and honest. It is hard to have those feelings and actually voice them outloud. I really thought I was the only one who felt like this. I thought I was a horrible mom and God was just shaking His head at me. Worst yet I was embarrased to admit these feelings to anyone!
My prayers now will not be that God help me to have patience with her, but for God to help me have a servants heart towards her. Wow how revealing it was to see how selfish I was acting towards her!
Thank you, Thank you so very much for your article. It is going to change everything!
My God bless you!
Posted by: Kristin on June 24, 2008
To Kristin: I am an empty nester now...I made some mistakes and want to share with you as your situation is somewhat kin to mine when I was a young mommy. I had 2 boys, then a surprise pregnancy with a precious little girl added to the mix. Older, wiser moms told me how easy boys were to raise and to "get ready" for the difference of a little girl. I, too, have described raising girls as finishing your vegetables and boys are dessert. It's about the raising not about the love, get it?
I only wish I would have hit my knees in prayer over this child. I was in full stride with my boys, and my daughter's clingy behavior wore me out. I really didn't have a mentor to guide me in how to pray and the church we attended - like the church I grew up attending - never emphasized that the solution is prayer and the answers will vary, does that make sense to you?
I had a wonderful babysitter who loved my kids and consequently, she spent alot of time with the baby, my daughter. The short story: I let the fatigue win, and I never formed as close a bond with her as I did my boys. I love her dearly dearly, I'd give my life for her. She is 21 now, and we work hard to connect. Part of the problem which I hear in your note: she-your daughter is wired differently than your son, and if you didn't have him, you wouldn't see the differences. I wish I could go back and give my daughter more time with patience. Girls are hard...we are complicated. I just read the book, Captivating, and I rec. you read it.
Pray for God to give you a "fit" with your daughter, that you will connect and cherish her. And note: this stage of her life is just a blink, tho I know your tension well. Satan would have you remain upset and aggravated. Think about that, and realize that most of full time Mom work is the work of serving these tiny people who always need. Deut.30:19....choose life!! And speak life to your daughter and to yourself. Breathe in and breathe out!! I have prayed for God to fill in the blanks where I missed the boat. He restores perfectly. I've seen it.
Posted by: K.Mary on June 27, 2008
I hear what you're saying about selflessness and that we must remember to sometimes sacrifice our own wants to meet others' real needs...but I also know that there are terribly needy people who are simply emotionally unhealthy and that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to keep good boundaries and encourage them to do things and figure things out for themselves.
Signed, Learned the hard way.
Posted by: lori on August 13, 2008