Feeling Like a Big Nothing
August 1, 2008 |
It’s happened more than once during the course of a conversation. Somehow, we get to the topic of “formal education” and next we’re talking about the Masters degree my husband earned. Discovering that he has one is always of great interest, and after the usual questions as to what subject it’s in and from which graduate school it came from, etc., etc., everyone within earshot of the conversation looks very pleased to have learned about it. It’s as though the listeners discovered yet another reason to like my husband just a little bit more than they did moments ago.
What most people won’t learn during that same conversation is this little secret: I have a Masters degree too. If Steve doesn’t proudly offer the information out (thanks, Steve!), it’s rare that people will ask about it.
I’m not entirely sure why. I imagine that there’s the great fear that Steve married the only female from his generation who flunked Kindergarten and wants nothing to do with “book-learnin’.” How awkward would that discovery be? The smiles would melt off their faces, and they’d have to start pitying Steve for his degree instead of being happy for him. Maybe that’s why no one asks.
Whatever the reasons, I confess that for the longest time it really bothered me. I wanted people to know that I was every bit the driven, educational over-achiever he was. So with my highly-developed intellectual powers, I decided upon a subtle plan to just casually interject the information. I’d say something like, “Yeah, isn’t it great? He’s got his Masters just like m…” Or, “You know it’s the funniest thing ‘cause while we’re on the subject of Masters degrees, I just happen to h…”
Never worked.
After about the 50th conversation (or maybe the second or third, I forget now) in which the facts of my graduate work remained my very own, personal-little secret, I began asking “why?” Not the old, “Why don’t people ask me?” But “Why do I want people to ask me?” Why does it matter at all?
When you struggle with your sense of significance, it matters. When you’re struggle with that, almost anything can become a measuring stick for your sense of worth. I look for ways to feel significant—I look to my past accomplishments, degrees, service records, friends, work opportunities, talents, and skills.
You see, I’m mainly a stay-at-home mom. And though I spend my day engineering [Lego homes for Lego people] and sculpting [Wonder bread into wonder shapes] and exploring [every nook and cranny for that missing flip-flop], that means little to the rest of the world. Since I’m not “out there” wearing around my education or my career or my independence to do the things that society says makes me valuable, I’ve had to wonder, “Am I valuable? Do I matter? How do I know I matter?”
I finally discovered the true nature of what I was dealing with in my heart; why I needed to make my achievements known to others, and to myself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or valuable. I imagined that staying home with my kids was outdated and foolish and unimportant. I cried out to God and confessed that I felt very small, unnoticed, and unnecessary. That I felt like nothing.
My confession—that blessed moment of recognizing the truth—made a pathway to discovering a freedom in Christ I had yet to experience (John 8:32). It was after my crying out that he showed me what being nothing really looks like.
Making his familiar words in 1 Corinthians 13 somehow brand new, He reminded me that: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
Even if others can recognize dozens of praise-worthy qualities at work in me—abilities to speak and understand and believe and sacrifice—there’s only one thing that makes any of it matter. And that same thing is the only thing gives me significance and makes me matter too: love. When I love, I am something; when I love, it’s then that I’m most like God (1 John 4:16).
So a clean home, a well-written article, a well-planned ministry, a completed to-do list, an hour-long prayer time, a commitment to lead Bible study, a Masters Degree, and all the attention in the world—without love, they’re all nothing. A mended dolly, a cradled boo-boo, a bedtime story, another hug, an extra kiss, and all of it completely unnoticed—with love, these are really something.
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Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 1, 2008
Comments
Wow! I really love this article! It made me feel better about my self. Every thing we do matters no matter how big or small as long as we do it with love in our hearts. Thanks for reminding me of that passage.
I can't wait to read your next one!
Lourdes
Posted by: Lourdes on August 2, 2008
Thank you for this article. Since I got married I have felt unimportant....you see, my husband sings at weddings, he performs in musicals, he sings in the worship band, and oh he's also a doctor! How do I compete with that? I can't and I don't have to. No matter what the world may think I'm just as special and valued as long as I am using the gift of love God has given me. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Posted by: Feeling Invisibile on August 4, 2008
Been there, done that. When my kids were little and I decided that being home with them, nurturing and growing them was the most important thing in the world, no one seemed to understand that. Here I was educated, gifted in some ways... why waste all that talent and stay home with kids? I didn't care really because I knew I was doing God's will. I absolutely enjoyed it until I tried to get back in the job market? Oh, my God, what a nightmare! One recruiter even asked me,"what have you been doing all this time." The audacity...because I also worked part=time during the day and nights most of the time. It was really, really tough, and it sometimes made me wished I hadn't stayed home. But for all this is worth, I must say I am very close to my children and can almost immediately sense when something is wrong with them and when they are struggling with certain issues in their lives. When they view me as their confidiant and feel the need to talk to me, I feel I have done my job as a mother...with God's help I can still guide and try to point them in the right direction. I hope they'll always feel my opinion matters. My kids are ages 19, 18, 16 and 13. Thank God!!!
Posted by: masnoh on August 6, 2008
Thanks so much for this article. It really spoke to me. I was a stay at home mom which is exactly what I felt God wanted me to be. I did pursue my education later in life and completed my degree. I am now over 50 years old and still stay home. Your article reminded me of all the love I gave and still have to give. Bless you
In His Service,
Trudy Wagner
Posted by: Trudy Wagner on August 6, 2008
As women, we should be banding together and making stay at home-dom a badge of honor....I remember growing up when every mom was at home, just about. I remember the kind of security I had knowing mom was always there for me! Just like God! Wow, what a concept...too bad we bit the apple of being told that staying home was somehow demeaning and that by staying at home we wound be unfulfilled..that is why you have articles like this.
Posted by: Kate on August 7, 2008
This really speaks to me. I always feel 'inadequate' in the eyes of certain family members, and I had never thought of the expectations that I place on them as not being very loving. Thank you for this!!
Posted by: Christi on August 7, 2008
thanks for this article, it nearly made me cry! its so awesome to know that God sees everything, He sees all the love you give to your kids and that means more to the kids than a billion degrees could. God bless xxx
Posted by: Eve on August 9, 2008
Couldn't help but notice this took on a little bit of the "stay at home" mom self pity party. Too bad because the bottom line premise is very strong-love is the heart of God and should be the basis of all we do. Doesn't matter if you work, stay at home, or volunteer at the church etc-it all hinges on your heart and the will of God for your live now.
Posted by: trisha on August 13, 2008
Interesting that at the the end of an article like this we still find a list of publishing "achievements" as part of the author's bio. i wonder why the publisher thought that was necessary. Isn't that a bit of a double message?
Posted by: Janet on August 14, 2008
Quite honestly, it sounds that either the author has no assertiveness in conversation and/or is involved with a very inconsiderate conversation group. Why fall back on speaking about your personal accomplishments as your husband speaks about his? They are just as significant as the next person's and would have fit in well with the conversation at hand. Sorry, I see this piece as a cross between needless self-pity and false humility.
Posted by: N'Catina on August 14, 2008
I am a man with a master's degree. I don't feel special because of it. I don't believe it adds to my self worth. It doesn't make me a better person. On my deathbed, I won't list it as one of my major achievements in life. If I have a friend by my side when I am on my deathbed, then I will know that I lived my life significantly. If I lived it according to God's will for my life, then God will know that I lived it with heavenly significance.
I am worthy because I am human and I am made in God's image. This is a basic premise, but it is fundamental to our understanding and appreciation of who we are. The mere fact that I exist means that God willed it for me to be here on this earth at the same time as you! He created me and knit me in my mother's womb. I did not determine or decide my existence, but the significance of my life is completely determined by the decisions I make. How will I make life decisions?
What if my wife has a PhD? What would happen if I felt the need to keep up with her? What if it wasn't God's plan for me to become consumed with the idea that I needed a PhD too? What decisions will the love of God inspire me to make?
Would I mind it if my wife received all the attention in a conversation? I've participated in group conversations where one person was receiving the majority of the attention and I stayed if it was interesting, but I always found some way to break away if it wasn't. But, what I won't do is compare myself to the person receiving all the attention and wonder why it's not focused on me.
What would happen if, God forbid, you or your spouse became tragically ill or you had a terrible accident and you were hospitalized with a slim chance of recovery? Would you be interested in having people over to talk about your accomplishments? When you and your spouse are together in that hospital room, what will you be talking to each other about? My guess is that you will only be talking about what truly matters...your love, your family and friends, your God and your salvation. We need to talk more about what matters to God everywhere we go with everyone we meet. This will keep the conversations focused on what truly matters.
(Jesus did this! He went to dinner parties, weddings, outdoor festivals...he was sought after by thousands...some people noticed he didn't have a master's in bible studies...but others noticed he only talked about God...AND their relationship with God...few wanted more and many walked away from him)
(I've had people tell me I talk too much about God...not in a bible-thumper, holier than thou kind of way, but just a "isn't there anything else we can talk about" kind of way...people still want to talk to me, but not about anything God related...what an encouraging thing for them to say...they are confirming the fact that I am talking about the right thing! By the way, I am rarely invited to dinner parties...surprise, surprise :) I am not living for man's accolades, I am living for God's welcome as a good and faithful servant and I wouldn't have it any other way.)
From "Seven Snares of the Enemy" by Pastor Erwin Lutzer, p. 129: "All of us know the impact of the life of Cassie Bernall, who was shot to death in the terrible massacre in the Columbine High School shootings. Seventeen-year-old Cassie, the story goes, was asked by one of the shooters during the massacre if she believed in God. She paused for a second, not because she doubted her faith, but because she knew what her faith might cost her. She replied, 'Yes, and you should too.' With that, bullets riddled her body."
Cassie's earthly existence transformed into eternal significance...oh that I may be wiling to forgo dinner party invites and a thousand little deaths and live up to my faith the same way Cassie did.
Posted by: Bob Smith on August 15, 2008
Thank you for this! Your message about the importance of loving acts (both big and small, recognized and unrecognized) was wonderful and inspiring.
My only critique is that I felt like a voice was missing from this story: the husband's. In my opinion, by allowing so many conversations to center around his achievements, the husband was (unintentionally) disrespecting his wife. I believe the loving, Christ-like thing to do would be to talk with him about it (while fully acknowledging one's own insecurities). Then, both husband and wife could grow in faith together.
Posted by: Stacey on August 15, 2008
What are of study is your your master's? I am interested to know.
Posted by: Barbara on August 17, 2008
Why do we seek after the admiration and respect of humans? Pleasing God is all that matters.
The Litany of Humility is good prayer for Christians seeking self-esteem. It runs in part:
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,
Deliver me, Jesus.
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Posted by: Gaby on August 18, 2008