Hermenuetics

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I chose to only kiss my husband. We first kissed 9 months into serious dating, and saved sex for marriage a year after that. Best decision I ever made- it's so wonderful to only be with one person! We never have to worry about the baggage of each other's pasts, because there isn't any! There's no better way to bless a marriage's beginnings than to begin in innocence. Our culture tends to label it naivety or prudishness, but I think they're the ones missing out on a rare, beautiful experience! I think it's a personal choice, but one I highly recommend to all young couples. It's an extremely difficult struggle, but more than worth it on the honeymoon, when you can bask in your accomplishment and all the ways your relationship has been nurtured and given a firm foundation in the time NOT spent in bed together! What could make affection and sex more special and sacred?

Posted By: Rachel | May 11, 2009 9:41 AM

While I wouldn't name the "Virgin Lips" movement naive, prudish or outdated, I would question the motives. Over and over, I hear that it is to glorify God. Yet, those involved in the movement are all fallen sinners. We all are. The real motive: "I want to honor God so... so I will have a better marriage [than others]."

Yet, because we are a fallen people, no marriage is perfect. Not kissing before will not protect the marriage from temptations of pornography, back-biting, divorce, etc. Unfortunately, my generation and younger generations are being taught that "if you remain pure, God will bless your marriage." God does bless marriage; however, He doesn't promise a heavenly-perfect marriage.

[than others] is often not mentioned. Most people involved in this movement will say that it is a personal decision. And, it is. But, then it becomes more about the self-will accomplishing, conquering and overcoming the temptation. "Look what we accomplished...this is our first kiss." And, that is where the movement falls into legalism. Keeping rules (not found in the Bible) through the force of self-will. Keeping this no-kissing rule doesn't make either person more godly, more pure, more good. It does lead to a feeling - conscious or unconscious - of superiority. We are wretched sinners deeply loved by God.

I used to make a big deal out of the fact I am a virgin. Never been kissed. I wore the purity ring proudly. A couple of months ago, I realized something. The first time I dwelled on a lustful thought in my mind, I ceased being a virgin. How - when a man looks at a woman with lustful intent, he has committed adultery in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28 I broke my vow of virginity in my heart and mind. Have I had sexual intercourse or been kissed? No. Am I pure? No. Instead, I am a fallen sinner being held fast by Jesus' love enabled solely by the Holy Spirit to obey. It's not about me and the rule I might want to keep to prove that I am more godly, more pure and to prove my love for God. It's about God's love for a sinner, me.

Posted By: Chany | May 11, 2009 11:49 AM

I agree with Chany, but I would go further. This is another example of Christians taking something that is good and turning it into bad. Now I am not advocating kissing everyone or anything like that. But I do think that it is like alcohol. Alcohol improperly used can lead to drunkenness which is a sin. Kissing is the first step to sex, but it is a long way from kissing to sex. While different people will draw the line in different places, drawing a hard line before kissing and then advocating that same for others isn't really going to do that much good. We are still sinful. How many couples will have issues switching overnight from no kissing to sex. There are enough people (espcially girls) that are getting enough mixed messages from the church about sex that they already have hangups, even in the marriage bedroom.

Posted By: Adam S | May 11, 2009 3:15 PM

Orthodox Jewish young adults often do not even TOUCH before marriage. Touching as in holding hands. Some may touch as in helping on with a coat or holding hands, but little else. Nobody makes a big deal about the prohibition: it just is. I seriously hope that the no kissing does not become yet another Evangelical "movement." I hope there will not be legalism, but education in propriety, i.e., don't do anything in private, you would not do in front of your parents or Pastor.

Posted By: citylady | May 11, 2009 3:21 PM

The Virgin Lips movement seems to be making a sin out of something that isn't a sin.

Posted By: K | May 11, 2009 4:58 PM

I don't have an absolute answer, and that is okay. I believe that unless it is black and white in God's truth, our sword- with nothing added to or taken away, then the other things are grey area. I have heard others thoughts that having grey areas is naive, but I don't believe that everything has to be black and white. With maturity, God gives us freedom. This brings me to the point of not causing a brother or sister to stumble. In Romans 14: 13-15 it says "make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died." Speaking of alcohol, even though drinking wine or a beer, etc is definately okay, as long as you're not getting drunk, it would also become not okay if it were causing someone else to stumble. This doesn't mean to live our lives in paranoia of everyone around us, but if we have a friend who is a new Christian who is a recovering alcoholic, even though we (as Christians) have the freedom to enjoy a glass of wine, we would keep it in the cupboard the night we have them over for dinner. Sorry for getting off track. When it comes to the grey areas, we all have different convictions. Whether it is getting your ears pierced, a Bible verse tatooed on your foot, saving your first kiss for marriage, not having a facebook until you turn 18.... whatever it may be... it is okay for everyone to have different convictions, and to also make those convictions an act of worship to our Lord. I also don't think that saving your first kiss until at the altar is a prideful or selfish act, making you feel more superior to others, but it is important to check our motives for everything that we do. I know it is for me. Let's be sure to always remember to "accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgement on disputable matters." (Romans 14:1)

Posted By: Casey | May 11, 2009 5:00 PM

Men have lusted after women (and vice versa) since the beginning of time, regardless of what they were wearing, regardless of what could be touched, regardless of anything. That's not to say we should all be promiscuous -- just that legalism will not solve the problem.

Ban premarital sex and someone will claim that kissing will send a man off into lust. Ban kissing, and someone will claim that merely shaking or holding hands is enough to send a man off into lust. Ban handshaking, and someone will claim that merely seeing a woman's face will send a man off into lust. That path leads to the burka.

Any woman knows that going on a diet and telling yourself every other minute the list of foods you can't have only leads to craving those foods. You have to create a healthy way of eating. You can't just ban foods. It may work for awhile, but it won't work forever.

I'm not suggesting promiscuity, but a healthy, thoughtful approach to relationships based on the notion that women can think for themselves and that they are worth more than their purity "status." A woman's purity "status" is a false measure of her walk with God. This sort of legalism, along with the "courtship" notion, are just more ways that the "complementarians" try to control a woman's decision-making. God gave women minds. S/He meant for us to use them.

Posted By: Christian Lawyer | May 11, 2009 8:57 PM

I have no problem with people choosing not to kiss if that is what it takes for them to avoid sin. Jesus said to be as drastic as we need to in preventing and dealing with sin (cut out your eye or your right hand; Matthew 5:29-31). On the other hand, we all know the tendency of such outward things to turn into legalism. I grew up in a fundamentalist environment where people majored on externals such as no physical contact before marriage, yet the fruit of their lives indicated that they had no relationship with God. Although it sounds cliched, it's truly all about the heart. I do have a problem with people parading this personal choice before others, or implying that others should do the same. One's personal conviction can easily become self-righteous and lead to pride and judgementalism instead of simply being an outgrowth of his/her love for God.

Posted By: Susanna | May 11, 2009 10:14 PM

Totally a personal choice. I don't have a problem with people drawing a line for themselves, as long as they don't turn it into a legalistic rule for everyone else.

Posted By: Robyn | May 12, 2009 12:05 AM

It's interesting that articles related to purity focus on female virginity and the need for women to remain pure. What about the men? It seems to me that such movements turn women into sex objects that are only worth while if they are "pure." We are all fallen before God, and kissing or not kissing doesn't change this. It only puts undue pressure on young women--teaching them that their worth is tied in with their (lack of) sexuality.

Posted By: tiffany | May 12, 2009 3:14 PM

Very good point Tiffany. This is not about freeing people. This is about setting up a new set of non-biblical standards (not saying that they are bad standards, just standards that are not based on scripture).

Posted By: Adam S | May 12, 2009 7:22 PM

Good post, Robyn. I don't have a problem with a couple deciding to wait until they're married to kiss. That's a personal decision, they can draw the line anywhere they want, whatever works for them. I do have a problem, though, with the way it's trumpeted and bragged about publicly during the wedding ceremony. That's actually kind of creepy. Puts me in mind of the Old World custom of displaying the bloody sheet from the marriage bed: "See, she IS a virgin!"

Posted By: Dee | May 12, 2009 8:16 PM

Robyn's post was good, but I actually meant to compliment tiffany's. (Was thinking the poster's name was above, not below, the post.) Anyway, tiffany makes the important point that this practice is just another way of objectifying women.

Posted By: Dee | May 12, 2009 8:21 PM

I work in an organization that works with youth...and I absolutely agree that sexual education is not just something to bring up with the girls. When it comes to issues of sexuality, it seems as though the focus and therefore the implied responsibility rests on the shoulders of women.

I have been looking for curriculum to develop with boys on sexual health...and there is comparatively little out there. Most of the sexual health and prevention is geared towards girls.

Makes me wonder, even in the church, are we somehow propelling the idea that it is okay for guys but girls are somehow dirty for doing it.

Posted By: Lisa | May 13, 2009 12:31 PM

Do whatever you want - I think it's a little crazy not to kiss until you're married, but the people who practice that probably think I'm crazy for my decisions, too. If it works for you, it works for you - I just don't want to be judged for my sexual choices any more than I'll judge these people for theirs.

Posted By: KRG | May 14, 2009 9:04 AM

What happens when you marry a homosexual? My ex and I kissed before marriage, but abstained from everything else. He was a virgin. He knew he was uneasy, but until we were married he didn't know he couldn't handle a sexual relationship. He also couldn't/wouldn't face his dilemma.

Our Evangelical church had no counsel beyond, "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100, and we agree you're doing your part, which is all that counts. This is your cross to bear." And his. If we are defining marriage as sexual union, there needs to be grace and support for marriages that fail this way.

I don't believe people who take vows but fail to have a "one flesh" relationship are married in the eyes of God. For a church to hold a couple in that kind of disaster is to make the marriage ceremony (and therefore the church that creates it) an idol.

Posted By: amazingjane | May 14, 2009 1:06 PM

Like a lot of evangelical thinking, the assumption is that everyone is in the same place in their walk. I wouldn't kiss a woman on the lips - as a previously married and biblically free man - because of the associations I have with such an act. Yet I have kissed dates on the cheek; which some would condemn.

Posted By: singlextianman | May 14, 2009 1:48 PM

I agree that kissing isn't something that we should give away easily however it is not something that affects our purity. From a person who's love language is physical touch kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc is defintely a part of the road to greater intimacy and getting to know someone better.

Also as a person who enjoys physical touch I have to be careful of my boundaries but I do not believe that a kiss can compromise my purity. Of more concern to me is the serial dater who has kissed half the guys in church. It must be wierd on their wedding day to look out over the crowd and see myriads of faces that she/he has kissed, and even more disconcerting for the new husband/wife to wonder if they will be constantly compared (something we need to talk to our youth about more often).

So yes, I agree that kissing should be reserved for the guy/gal your going to marry, but if you've kissed and then it unexpectedly doesn't work out then - so be it - and move on. You're still a beautiful pure holy woman robed in white in Gods eyes, or a gorgeous hunky man made in Gods image.

On that note, even if you've been sexually active in the past and are now walking with God you're no less pure than the unkissed virgin. God makes all things new, doesn't just patch up the old. Have an awesome day, and happy kissing when the time is right :-)

Posted By: Tracey | May 14, 2009 5:29 PM

I just started a dating relationship and we had "the talk" this week about what our boundaries would be, so this is very fresh in my world!! For us, we've decided to wait on our first kiss until our wedding day BUT it isn't something that we're telling people (well, I just told all of you, but you don't know us, so I think that's okay!) because our reason isn't so that we would be more "holy" than anyone else, etc. This is a personal decision that, while we aren't going to try to lie about it or cover it up, we will not be making a point to tell everyone we know about this decision.

We have two reasons:
1) My boyfriend has stumbled in the past with sexual sin and he wanted more of a boundary.
2) I have never kissed anyone and wanted my first kiss to be something special. I hadn't said specifically that I wanted to wait until my wedding day, but he felt that, if I wanted to keep my first kiss as something special, that would be the most special way to go about it.

Posted By: Christine | May 15, 2009 5:43 PM

"Ban premarital sex and someone will claim that kissing will send a man off into lust. Ban kissing, and someone will claim that merely shaking or holding hands is enough to send a man off into lust. Ban handshaking, and someone will claim that merely seeing a woman's face will send a man off into lust. That path leads to the burka." -- Christian Lawyer

CL's point is incisive enough to bear repeating.

Fact is, the logic of the Virgin Lips movement is absurd. Hearing them gush over "saving the first kiss", we may be tempted to ask them why they wouldn't also want to "save the first meal" (no eating together until marriage) or "save the first drive" (no pre-marital car trips) or "save the first phone call" or email or conversation. In fact, why don't they show how much they value marriage by not even meeting thier future spouse until the moment vows are exchanged. Now wouldn't that be really, really special?

Posted By: beatrice81 | May 15, 2009 11:09 PM

Wow. This explains why I see no single guys in church. Thanks a lot folks.

Posted By: AmyS | May 17, 2009 5:50 PM

As someone mentioned previously, I too am afraid this will become one more evangelical fad -Virgin lips books, coffee mugs, conferences, bible studies, etc etc etc, blah blah blah, with its proponents, despite saying that it is a personal choice, will look down on and condemn those who don't see it their way. Just like the "don't date, but court" fad, and all the other evangelical fads that have come and thankfully gone.

Shivver. I kind of regret even SEEING this article!!!!! We DON'T need any more evangelical relationship "fads" that 20somethings cling to and claim to be the final answer to purity.

Posted By: Dan | May 18, 2009 11:12 AM

And one more thing...as with many evangelical relationship fads that many 20somethings get into, it becomes almost insufferable the way they parade it around and stick it in everyone else's face, as if to say "look how Godly and holy WE are!!!" Talk about patting yourself on the back and bragging about your own righteousness! If you want to have this kind of standard, keep it to youself, your significant other, and God.

BTW, I am for sexual purity.

Posted By: Dan | May 18, 2009 11:17 AM

I cringe at the idea of a "movement", because I feel Joshua Harri's book really stirred things up for Christian singles. I think dating is still considered bad in churches, yet nothing is done to assist singles in connecting, getting to know each other, marriage.

Kissing can be something that really stirs the fire with a couple, and so I think it depends on knowing yourself individually and how a couple is together.

Posted By: 1stBlog | May 18, 2009 3:04 PM

In reality, none of us should ever fall into the mindset that we are any more pure or holy than anyone else. I mentioned that my boyfriend and I are waiting, but that does NOT mean that we would ever have a right to think that. The fact is, we are both sinners and we are fully aware of that fact. We are not refraining from kissing because of what other people may think but because we believe that that is the course that God would have us take. That doesn't make this the course of purity for EVERY couple - just for us.

The Bible doesn't give us an exact list of what physical contact is okay before marriage and what isn't. Every Christian couple has to (hopefully prayerfully) make that call. To me, we would all be far better off if we were encouraging one another to prayerfully consider where God would have us draw the lines than we are to tear other believers down for their decisions when the motives of those believers are unknown to us.

Posted By: Christine | May 18, 2009 3:57 PM

I after reading this article I commend people who do not kiss until after the wedding if that is what they feel they should do. Personally, I do not think anything is wrong before marriage. Kissing that is and only kissing. The Bible gives us so many scriptures to tell us to avoid fornication like 1 Cor 6:13, it tells us in the latter part of the verse: Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord: and the Lord for the body. I know it is hard and that is a natural human desire. We all have it, I do. But if you put your strength in God and the Word he will give you the will to resist it. And he will bring you the right mate to have the right intimacy with.

Posted By: Rebekah | May 20, 2009 5:43 PM

I am an abstinence educator. I teach about STD's and that you can get them kissing. Does that make kissing having sex? Why do we say Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

I am a virgin. Never had intercourse. Despite the diatribes above resisting temptation to that degree is definately worth something when you stand before Christ. It's not legalism it's obedience..and it's not easy.Jesus encourages me every step of the way and not many others. Sheeesh.

Posted By: Linda | May 22, 2009 11:13 AM

My case is similar to Christine's, but with a difference: I had never kissed until I started dating my boyfriend (my first one, an hopely, the only one). The thing is.. that wasn't a decision I've made, I just couldn't find the right person. And it felt like I was an ET. But I think the hardest part was when, accidentally, someone I didn't wanted to know about it ended up knowing it. I was publicy humiliated and I don't wish that for anybody. It really hurts a lot.(I don't mean to make decisions based on what other people will think. It's just not very simple)

But my point is: physical intimacy (kissing and hugging) had been kind of a 'monster' for me. I was terrified about it. So, for me, it would be absolutely impossible to get married without having even kissed and, suddenly, everything would be allowed. (It still scares me to think about the first night, but I guess less than before kissing.)I believe everything should be gradual,such as the emotional, spiritual, intelectual and financial intimacy. Of course, I don't think that's an excuse for crossing the lines. My boyfriend has also stumbled in the past and it devastated me when he told me. For 10 days I didn't kiss him 'cause I was so mad and so sad! But I also felt we were growing apart and the enemy was using it to convince me that our relationship was not worth fighting for. So I forgave him and we continue dating, supported by God's hand. I've been trying to love him more each day - and being always aware of limits at demonstrating it.

And another thing: besides what many have said about the fear of people feeling they are more 'holy', I think another problem could be bigger - to reach non Christians. I believe it makes more difficult to reach for them, 'cause they would think "oh, there's really no hope for me" or "no way I'm gonna live by their standars". They might think theses are God's standars for everybody, and in our culture, I don't believe they are.

Posted By: Marilia | May 22, 2009 1:02 PM

Marilia, I would like to respectfully disagree with your point about people who chose to not kiss turning others from Christ. In talking to non-Christians, I don't believe that we should ever get on a tangent of what Christians can or can't do for a couple of reasons. First of all, Christianity is not a list of rules to be followed - it is a lifestyle that puts Christ first in a believer's life. Any time we focus on the "rules" of being a Christian, we're not focusing on the heart of what it means to be a Christian. Secondly, I think that your argument could also be used to justify pre-marital sex, so it can become a slippery slope. Thirdly, for me personally, this is a private decision - my parents don't even know that we've decided not to kiss until we're married. We're only telling people if we're specifically asked and it's appropriate because, to us, this is something between us and the Lord. I'm not going to go around sharing that fact with people I'm sharing the gospel with because my desire is for them to know the Lord, not for them to give up kissing.

Honestly, I believe that the decision to kiss or not is just one that couples need to prayerfully make for themselves. It's a bit of a gray area and couples need to consider their motives and reasoning for their decision. To choose not to kiss just to be able to have bragging right is sinful. To kiss when you feel convicted that you shouldn't is equally wrong. I'm not saying that other Christian couples should have the same convictions in this area - just that this is something that should be prayerfully considered and that Christians on both sides of the issue need to respect one another.

Posted By: Christine | May 27, 2009 1:14 PM

Why would kissing before marriage be ok, and fondling (heavy petting) not be ok? I've never kissed, if I dated a woman and we were making out, I would want to go further than just a kiss. Also, would you want to kiss someone who sold kisses in a kissing booth? Wouldn't that be a form of prostitution?

Posted By: Steve | June 23, 2009 5:20 PM

The Line
There is a center point were the Lord's teachings reside.
Christians find comfort and wisdom, a great ride.
till journeys along either one side or tother,
cause questions and stumblings, creation of pride.
The envelope stretches ever wider and thin
one cause and the ending the blurring of sin.
Then the great fall, the end of the ride,
and now we are wandering, walking barefoot and all.

Posted By: stuck in toronto | July 11, 2009 10:35 AM