Hermenuetics

Comments

Thanks for your perspective, Lisa. I think parents are rightfully worried that especially young men become lazy bums in their basements when there are often really good reasons to live at home after college. There has to be a balance between helping kids strive for excellence and letting them be lazy.

Posted By: Sarah | May 12, 2009 11:08 AM

Kudos Lisa for your bold advocacy of communal living. I wrote about this myself on my own blog because my husband, son and I moved in with my parents six months ago. We hadn't intended to stay this long, but it's looking like we might be together longer than anticipated. It's a great if challenging experience, especially after living on opposite coasts for six years.

Happy Bridge playing to you and yours! In our house, the guys are always building something and mom and I are cooking up a storm.

Posted By: Christine A. Scheller | May 12, 2009 3:51 PM

Thank you both for your comments. I'm glad to see communal living and extended family living becoming more normalized. It won't always work, and sometimes it is enabling, but the fears and assumptions associated with it are less likely to keep us from trying it out.

Posted By: Lisa McMinn | May 12, 2009 4:35 PM

I guess it can be a good thing, but don't overlook personality difference's. My husband and I moved my parent's into our house out of necessity on their part,(they are old and sick and we are their caregivers)and it has been very trying to say the least as my mom has personality disorders and my dad has Alzheimer's. But we make the best of it. But i I can say that the living arrangements would be great in different circumstances.

Posted By: Anonymous | May 12, 2009 8:12 PM

I'm sure extended family living under one roof works for some people, but it's not what I would choose. If for no other reason than the fact that I simply don't have the room. Someone would have to sleep on the couch. When my kids are grown and married, my home won't be any bigger, so having a multigenerational house with grandkids, pets, etc., will be out of the question.

Posted By: Christine | May 13, 2009 8:32 AM

We have no children of our own, but for the past year and a half, our “nest” has been occupied by one or another unemployed college-age nephews. We love them both and were happy to play host for a while, but now we’ve begun to feel a little bit like the remaining one is taking advantage of us. We don’t try to parent him, and so far we haven’t started to charge him for room and board--but still, he has his life and we have ours. Or we did! This morning he asked me, “Are we getting new carpet?” I wanted to answer, “Well, WE are, but I thought YOU were getting a new apartment!” :-) Now that he’s found another job (he was laid off two months ago), maybe we can start acting more like that mother robin.

Posted By: Abundant Life | May 13, 2009 4:03 PM

I learned a lot about communal living when my husband and I were on staff at a ministry ranch. The directors had been missionaries and had lived communally for their entire married life. Issues of privacy and personal space were insignificant to them, while I struggled to adjust to those perceived invasions. I realized just how self absorbed I was and how much I needed to grow. So there was some preparation for us. Additionally my parents have have elderly family members and others living with them throughout the years, so they were experienced as well.

I don't want to give a false impression though. We wouldn't be doing this if we didn't have to right now, and it can be very challenging. Anonymous's situation sounds exhausting. I hope she has or finds some support/relief services.

Posted By: Christine A. Scheller | May 13, 2009 4:53 PM

I think the value Americans place on independence is overrated. Seven years ago our daughter and son-in-law became missionaries. We purchased a home with a large finished basement so that they and any grandchildren could live with us when they came home on furloughs.

In July 2007 our first grandchild was born and spent his first two months here with us before all three returned to the field. Then circumstances changed and they were back in the states to stay at Christmas. After some time to regroup, they returned to our city and moved in with us in February 2008. They are still with us, although looking for their own place now.

We have a wonderful relationship with our now almost-two-year-old grandson, who seems especially secure and happy and loves his Bapa and G (Grandpa and Grandma). We don't do everything together, but we share a lot. Having private space for each "family" is a plus.

We have enjoyed being a help to our daughter and son-in-law, seeing them develop as parents, and having them around to talk to as friends.

Yes, the house is more cluttered than it would be and the carpet more worn...but all the joy has been more than worth it.

When they move out, the first thing I'm going to do is turn a spare room across from our bedroom into a bedroom/playroom for our grandson and make plans to have him stay with us overnight once a week.

Posted By: Diane Stortz | May 14, 2009 9:45 PM

My son has moved back home with me after a heart-wrenching divorce. The divorce and weekly seperation from his beloved children devasted him so severly that he had a hard time keeping a job for a while and then he broke his leg. No money, no job, no hope, no children, it was heart-breaking to watch. We both believe that God will bring good out of it all.

After nearly 3 years he's "coming out of it" and trying to get back on his feet. There were terrible financial decisions in the past that I'm helping him unlearn and together we work on a very strict budget for him. Every penny he earns gets deposited in the bank, he packs a lunch to work, eats at home and spends only on gas, for the most part.

He was so worried he would be an unwanted burden on me, but I've found great joy in having coffee and breakfast with him in the morning, hearing him come in the door every night, having the darlings on the weekends and we're both looking forward to summer when they'll be here for two weeks at a time. By the grace of God I'm able to help them and enjoy them and be a godly influence in their lives for Jesus Christ. I continue to be reminded of what the Lord says...."whatever you've done to others you've done to me....." How could I possibly not help and feed and care for them?

We've come to a good place in our relationship, where we get along pretty well, he works on things around the house and helps me and I do most of the laundry and cook - which they all love. Since my beloved husband is with the Lord, I see all of this as God's gift to me, to keep me unselfish, loving and remembering that it's about Jesus and what He wants in our lives, and not about me.

There really can be joy in this arrangement if you decide to allow it. When I measured it by God's love and not the culture of the U.S. it was wonderfully clear.

Posted By: Dolly | May 15, 2009 7:40 PM

Wonderful article. My husband and I moved to a secluded "UpNorth" area in our state nine years ago to enjoy closer proximity to my aging parents (6miles)as well as the isolation and privacy. Since that time we have housed our son and new daughter in law for 3 months as well as my youngest sister's 3 minor children ages 11,12 and 13 for eight months, and now her eldest son of 21yrs for the past 5 months. All open-ended unexpected stays in our humble 1100 sq ft 2 bdrm home. The Lord sent them to us and enabled us to meet their needs in the most basic of ways. All this while my husband has been laid off for almost 2yrs. It is our duty to serve Him and by helping others it is an honor and blessing to do so. While these changes are rarely without a bump or two or three we can rest assured that He is with us and provides for us in order that we may fulfill this command so do not fear to take in those in need. One day you may need the same from them! God Bless!

Posted By: Mary | May 16, 2009 8:01 AM

Thank you for your article. I am a 35 year old woman who is moving back in with my parents. Oh yah, and I am single. I have been battling with a crushing sense of failure. I don't HAVE to live with my Mom and Dad...I want to. Somehow though, I feel like a loser. The thing I dread the most is the "funny" comments from people about how pathetic I am...how I need to grow up etc. They don't mean harm but it hurts. My parents and I realize we can all have a high quality of life by living together. What is so wrong with that? I am perplexed why people disdain this so much. And yet, I feel it. I feel like a "non adult", a loser, a freak. I guess I wonder when people's choices became everyone's business. Thank you for your article...it made me feel hope that it is okay to want this like I do.

Posted By: Lisa | May 22, 2009 6:03 PM

Great, culturally relevant and interesting post, as always. Thanks for sharing this! oh p.s. I read The Contented Soul finally and loved it and gave my copy to a current WC freshman, and she loves it too!

Posted By: your former student | October 30, 2009 2:55 PM