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July 30, 2009

2D Love and Lars and the Real Girl

The Japanese phenomenon reveals a right human desire gone askew.

Lisa Graham McMinn

Falling in love with caricatures of girls and women, such as blow-up dolls or pillows imprinted with female characters, is still on the margins of Western culture, but it's getting noted enough to merit a recent New York Times Magazine story about the phenomenon in Japan.

lars-wallpaper-1.jpg

"2D love," what the phenomenon is called in Japan, emerges from a subculture of people who have real relationships with characters in the imaginary worlds of video games, anime, and manga (cartoons and print comics popular in Japan). The NYT Magazine story featured 37-year-old Nisan, a single man who fell in love with the video game character Nemutan. He has a stuffed pillow with her image imprinted on the fabric. He calls Nemutan his girlfriend and takes her out on dates and extensive road trips.

Japanese analysts think the trend reveals the difficulty men (in particular) have negotiating relationships with 3D women. It's easier to control a relationship with an inanimate object than with a real woman who can talk back and will from time to time have her own ideas. A similar explanation has been used to explain the attraction many males have to pornography in the States.

A particularly dark side of 2D love is the sexual obsession men have with prepubescent female characters. Momo, who makes and sells X-rated anime images of prepubescent females, says he has sex with his imaginary lovers. He also says he neither views child pornography nor is attracted to his young niece. Whether or not this trend will translate into harmful behaviors toward young girls is to be determined, but the question has at least been raised. Regardless, being obsessed with 2D images says something has gone terribly awry.

While the first impulse may be alarm, disgust, or laughter at 2D love, the quirky 2007 film Lars and the Real Girl allows for a more empathetic response. Lars, and perhaps men like Nisan, are painfully shy, insecure, lonely, and yet long for relational intimacy. Film reviewers called Lars's character psychotically reclusive, a misfit, and delusional. Yet what he wants represents a deep longing we are created to desire, a relationship safe enough to be known and loved, one in which we can know and love another.

So, what is missing relationally between men and women that leads some men to invest in imaginary relationships rather than real ones (in some cases, prepubescent pillow girlfriends)? Do some men choose imaginary girlfriends because they are easier to control and easier to please? Do men attracted to imaginary lovers fear they will disappoint real women, failing to meet the expectations of flesh-and-blood lovers?

As a sociologist, I wonder if the fear seen at the margins reflects a broader experience shared by other men who nevertheless choose to engage in relationships with real women. Such is often the case - which is why looking at the margins can be informative rather than merely interesting.

In a rapidly changing culture such as ours, where gender norms are being renegotiated from generation to generation, men as well as women struggle to figure out appropriate expectations, hopes, and fears. While the most alarming news about 2D love is it's potential to foster pedophilia, the trend to choose imaginary lovers over real ones might also speak of some men's broader fears of failure to negotiate love well.

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Posted by Katelyn Beaty on July 30, 2009 9:53 AM

Comments

Thank you for writing this Lisa. While I am not in the group you examined, I can relate well to it. Without the gospel and God's overriding influence I'd probably be there.

The issues I remember dealing with involved exactly what you said: shyness, insecurity, loneliness and a longing for real relational intimacy. These all occurred while going through middle and highschool and through significant effort I learned to deal with shyness and insecurity enough that I could have and fight for real relationships.

I was trying to think of some way I could advance the discussion, but I really don't know of any resolution or suggestions to resolving these problems.

Posted By: Andrew Vogel | July 30, 2009 1:05 PM

Thank you, Andrew--for attempting to get some conversation started with your open response. I think having women understand that some men fear disappointing women is a good start. Mark (my psychologist husband) and I have collected data at 4 Christian colleges and find fear of not measuring up to a woman's expectations, and fear of failure to be a common one for men. This is not to say women don't have fears--they do, but they look different. Additionally, it seems more acceptable for women to name relational fears than for men to do so. And in the silence of naming them, it's too easy to assume men are just unwilling to commit to relationships.

Posted By: Lisa McMinn | July 30, 2009 3:54 PM

Perhaps another reason is that some men have been disappointed too much by people. I know that when people disappoint me, I start longing for an ideal relationship with somebody that I inevitably realize doesn't actually exist. Relationships, even just friendships, are hard and while some will keep believing they'll eventually find the perfect mate who won't severely disappoint them occasionally -hopping from one relationship to another in that futile pursuit- a few will give up and dream up the ideal spouse in their own head.
I think people who resort to pillows for affection are probably socially awkward and don't really know how to interact with the opposite gender. These people would definitely benefit from practice and eventually realize that the other side is just as human.

Posted By: Merciel | July 30, 2009 4:24 PM

"Lars and the Real Girl" is one of my favorite movies, to me its a movie about grace--it shows how the real love of a family, a church, and a whole town, helped heal a man who was trapped by his shyness.

Posted By: Barb | July 30, 2009 8:14 PM

well at the surface this appears to be just emotional. but i think what is involved here is a very deep spiritual problem. these guys are involved with demons that are represented in the physical by these dolls. they are involved with spirit husbands and wives. they should seek deliverance if at all some "christians" are involved. true being disappointed in other relationships may have created the open door for this kind of bondage.

Posted By: daddy naks | August 5, 2009 10:22 AM

I'm kind of like Nisan and Lars. An elder of church clearly made a grievous remark and laughed in my face because I'm like this. I never go to church anymore because of evil people like that and counter-constructive, toxic people like daddy naks.

Posted By: silver surfer | February 4, 2010 9:10 PM

It seems more acceptable for women to name relational fears than for men to do so.

Posted By: Equity Assurance | November 18, 2011 11:35 AM

All these tiny details are made with lot of background knowledge. I like it a lot.

Posted By: Equity Assurance | December 9, 2011 2:14 PM

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