Hermenuetics

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Psalm 62: 5. My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. 6. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. 7. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. 8. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Posted By: Larry | July 17, 2009 10:12 AM

Julia, I love your story. Sometimes you do have to take things into your own hands.

Posted By: alison | July 17, 2009 11:04 AM

"Your church is not your family ... your family's your family."

Yes, our family by blood is our family. But church families have become families to many who are single ... especially for women, whose kids have grown and moved on. The ones who care most are often the ones we've met in the pews. They become just as much family as those who've come from our wombs.

Some of my closest friends are single. We've all learned that our kids can't always be there for us. Other family members might live elsewhere. But the friends who sit side by side with us in the pews are the ones we call, the ones who are there for us, the ones we have fun with, minister with, share our tables with. And this is true whether we're single or married.

Let's enlarge our definition of families. And yes, single women and men - let's trust God with your desires for deep relationship, companionship, a spouse. And let's stand firm in our belief that if He's got someone for you to share your life with, He'll open those doors - whether at the church, the workplace, through volunteering, a random meeting, or yes, even the internet.

Posted By: Anonymous | July 17, 2009 11:22 AM

#1. 1 Cor. 7 also addresses men and women gifted for singleness for the sake of ministry. Certainly many singles don't have this gift - but don't quote 1 Cor. 7 as calling for marriage without addressing this reality.
#2. I am single by choice for the sake of ministry, and VERY involved in my church - BY MY CHOICE. This doesn't keep me from working a job, friends, volunteering, etc. Yes, I'm very busy, and I LOVE it!
3. "Your church is not your family - your family's your family." Seems to me that Jesus addressed this in his response when His mother and brothers were looking for Him. Enough said.
4. It's not the church's job to find spouses for people. Again, I am single and not interested in marriage, but even if I were - it's not the church's job to find me a husband! Maybe Indian churches do help people match up - but India also practices arranged marriages.
5. Being jobless and poor has nothing to do with singleness. Women in our culture are fully capable of working jobs and supporting themselves.

Posted By: Anonymous | July 17, 2009 1:02 PM

Thanks for your post, great writing. But I am quite shocked that "Christianity Today" published it and I highly disagree with just about all of it. I recently taught my 7 year old daughter the biblical methods of "hooking up," meaning she serves the Lord with all her heart, sits back, lives her life, and He will send a husband to her. Nowhere in the BIble does it say the woman is to seek a husband. I believe that is the problem with marriages these days (with a few exceptions, your happily married friends, for example). Too many people are out looking for love in all the wrong places, apart from God...if you feel you NEED a spouse, then obviously you are not READY for a spouse. Once we find peace in God's calling on our lives and realize we NEED no one but Him, then He will send a helpmeet. Even mature older women might still not have found that peace and self-worth from God.

Also, the dynamics of a two-parent family are extremely critical in the formation of healthy solid children, statistics prove this. The fact that you chose to adopt children into a single parent home was (in my opinion) not in the best interest of you or the children. I feel our society is degrading because of liberal thinking like you have here, that women must go "find" a spouse, and go ahead and adopt children and then have to put them in day care because the mom has to work all day. It's just sad.

But that's just my opinion. Again, great writing. Thanks for the thoughts to ponder today!

Posted By: Renee Whitaker | July 17, 2009 2:04 PM

Those who are married can be callous when it comes to empathizing with those struggling with singleness, especially those women who are still single in later years. They don't appreciate how hard it is for them, especially in today's Christian culture that treats marriage as something that'll inevitably happen to every good Christian. Long gone are the days when voluntary celibacy was considered a realistic option. Quoting Scripture and telling these women "the church is your family, so be happy!" isn't going to help them when you're doing it in the arms of your loving spouse and children. It just comes off as callous and uncaring.
Anonymous, if the church is your family, then the church does have some responsibility for your well-being. If that means helping lonely women find godly spouses to care for them, then they should help them in that area. If churches won't help people as an actual family would try to help one of their children, then how is a church like a family?
Renee, I can't speak for anybody else, but I think most older single people would agree that they don't NEED a spouse just as they don't necessarily need anything beyond food, clothing, and shelter, but that doesn't mean they won't suffer. As God Himself said of His own perfect creation: it is not good for man (and I'd assume woman) to be alone.

Posted By: Merciel | July 17, 2009 3:14 PM

Merciel, I agree on the callousness of some married people in telling single people Jesus should be enough for them - when all the while they have their own spouse and family. It's unfair and unkind to say "I" can have a husband/children, but "you" should be content.

But to say that voluntary celibacy is not a realistic option - yes, it is, for some people. Sure, the Christian culture is insensitive to single people at times, but if God has called a person to that life, so what? Culture can't determine how we follow God.

Now I don't personally consider it my biological family's responsibility to find me a spouse either; therefore, I don't consider it the church's job either. However, I've had to tell several people in my church that I am happy single because they've tried to hard to get me to meet their brother/nephew/uncle/best friend's second cousin twice removed!

Posted By: Anonymous | July 17, 2009 4:22 PM

The "Anna syndrome"!?! Anna was a prophet, fer Pete's sake--of course she wanted to be at the temple. Would you question a widower with such a gift? If prostitution were my only other option, I'd move right into the sanctuary and plug in my big screen. The comparison to any lonely woman hanging out at church is "strained" at best.

Posted By: Lane | July 17, 2009 4:52 PM

Renee is doing ok... she has a daughter and from her views on Julia's adoption, it seems she has a husband too. It's so easy for people NOT in the position to pontificate over the actions of people who are.

Praise God that Julia made a decision to offer her life as a mother to someone who may otherwise have been institusionalised ... there aren't enough parents out there for the kids who need homes. It's easy to say that a child needs two parents but many do not have that, and it's better to have one parent who loves them and will raise them for the Lord, than be left to pass from one foster parent to another.

It's a good thing you don't have too many problems Renee, otherwise you may be the victim of someone else's opinions.

Posted By: Bev | July 17, 2009 5:59 PM

The Church is the bride of Christ. Anna knew that He would be in the temple. Christ was whom she was seeking, not another husband. In that way, she could serve God completely. She was there day and night waiting for Him. A wonderful book to read on the subject of seeking after Christ is... Have You Seen the One I Love? by His Holiness Pope Shenouda of the Coptic Orthodox Church.

Posted By: Anonymous | July 17, 2009 6:56 PM

In regards to the post that someone wrote claiming that if you are single it is because you are not spiritually mature, I think that is a destructive thing to say and leaves many single women feeling spiritually broken. Who can say they fully depend on God and never have any doubts or worries? It's simply human to feel these things on occasion. Being human never stopped any woman from marrying. Moreover the purpose of marrying is for a man and a woman to grow together spiritually. If you are such a spiritual success what do you even need a husband for? I advise any woman who feels like she is single through some fault of her own to read 'Seven Myths Young Women Believe' on Boundless.org: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001480.cfm

About whether or not a woman should pursue a man I say that she shouldn't. In Proverbs 18:22 it says, "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." The word 'findeth' clearly means that men should actively look for a wife. Men are called to be leaders of the household and head of the marriage. If they cannot even initiate a relationship that is not a good sign of behavior post marriage. However I don't see anything wrong with a family or church bringing a certain woman to a man's attention.

As a woman I don't believe we are completely helpless in terms of relationship starting: If a friend offers to introduce a man to you accept... who knows where it may lead (don't feel as if by doing so you are not trusting God with your relationship). It's very important that women don't put their lives on pause while you wait for a spouse. You never know where you might meet or who may already by looking at you. Perhaps there is a man at the soup kitchen you volunteer at or at the library you frequent who is interested in you. By remaining active you open the doors to these possibilities. If you are in a relationship with a man and are unsure if it's platonic or borderline romantic, frankly ask him. Give ultimatums. Why should you waste your affections on a man who is unsure if he wants to make a lifelong commitment to you? Forcing a man to take you seriously or hit the road may make him realize the good thing he has in you and consider marriage.

Thanks. God bless =]

Posted By: Dae | July 17, 2009 7:32 PM

Anonymous: Oh, I definitely agree that voluntarily celibacy is a realistic option myself that I highly respect, but it doesn't seem Christian society as a whole agrees as you've obviously experienced with your own church. Sometimes I wonder if there's a stigma on it. You are right though that we can't allow culture to steer our walk with the Lord.

Dae: I agree about the dangers of the idea that being single is probably a sign of spiritual immaturity. It's like the idea that some churches have: "If you can't prophesy and speak in tongues, then you are not saved." Nowhere in the Bible does it equate singleness with spiritual immaturity.

Posted By: Merciel | July 17, 2009 9:08 PM

Wow, Renee. Seriously? Just do everything right and the Lord will send you an husband? Just like a magic genie, huh? And you say women shouldn't LOOK for a husband themselves? Yikes. Yes, let's sit back like it's 1925 and let the men choose us. This is why Christian singles feel so alienated in the church. Let's not treat singles as if there is something wrong with them or as if they are not complete people.

Posted By: Stacey | July 17, 2009 9:44 PM

Only someone who has never been married would think of that union as a way to be "set for life." While marriage, and having children, is often a blessing it is also a way of living that requires you to constantly put others ahead of your own needs and desires. It is not a technicolored adventure land where you always feel great and happy, skipping through life with no cares. Perhaps a more realistic picture of the opportunities and responsibilities in both singleness and marriage might lead people to make better decisions as they move through the journey that God has put before them.

Posted By: lacey barnett | July 17, 2009 11:09 PM

Bev, you are absolutely right; I was not considering the devastating alternative options Julia's adopted children probably had. A home with her is certainly better than an abusive or institutionalized home. I apologize Julia (if you even read the comments).

And Bev, I have learned that we are all the victim of someone else's opinions at some point or another. Shockingly enough, I too have plenty of my own problems... (check my blog)

Stacey, yes, I am old-fashioned. However, I did not say "do everything right." But I do stick to my belief that most times women seeking men can be a dangerous game to play.

Posted By: Renee Whitaker | July 17, 2009 11:35 PM

I think when referring to the Bible for dating advice, we should keep in mind that it was written in a culture where marriages were arranged and at a much younger age. I do think men should take the initiative out of principle, but it's not wrong if a woman to seek a husband anymore than it is to enter relationships that aren't arranged by their fathers.

Lacey: I am sure most singles out of high school would know that marriage isn't some walk in the park. Nobody here has certainly suggested that it is. It certainly has its difficulties. However, is there any married person out there who wishes they would've dedicated their life to celibacy rather than be married? Not if they're happily married. They would rather deal with the struggles they face in a marriage than the struggles they face as a single person. Single people feel the same way and should not be treated as though they are doing something wrong because of it.

Posted By: Merciel | July 18, 2009 12:36 AM

Once again Christianitytoday has become the spirit for all things liberal but not all things based on GOD and his word. I read this article because the title popped out at me, but I have to say it is dipped in a little bit of bitterness. I found it funny that in the garden GOD saw that Adam was lonely I don't even think that Adam understood that need and then GOD provided Eve. There is nothing more powerful than an on fire holy spirit filled women going about her business for GOD. Sorry as a single women I will wait on GOD I will not take the matter into my own hands. This article does not come from GOD or his word it just modern day thinking for a church world not steeped in scripture.

Posted By: Claudia Bailey | July 18, 2009 5:00 AM

Julia,

Good for you, reaching beyond your own situation to love another. May God bless your little family and fill it with his joy.

Posted By: Christine A. Scheller | July 18, 2009 8:32 AM

Here's the truth - just the cool, hard truth. If you walk into the church and start asking the married women how they met their husbands, very few were just sitting around on church pews when POOF! husband appeared.

Waiting on God doesn't imply inaction. To me, it means being free of anxiety, trusting God. Instead of sitting around at church waiting for Prince Charming to come prancing up to you, why don't you get out there and do some searching?

Pray that God would bless your efforts and, that if you are to remain single, that would be what would happen.

At the same time, this article bugs me because, here again, we have a woman who treats singleness like a problem that must be solved, and thus judges women who spend a great deal of time in church as "waiting for a husband." Maybe they're just there to praise God?

Posted By: Naudi | July 18, 2009 9:35 AM

Renée Whitaker, your willingness to apologize is great.

Claudia Bailey, when scripture was written, it was 'modern day thinking'. If it isn't contemporized again today, interpreted anew, it will become meaningless to many. That said, i am glad your interpretation works for you and makes you happy. - But if you try to live like in the Garden you'll have to do without electricity, motorized transport, internet, pizza...

Posted By: Susanne | July 18, 2009 9:40 AM

This article is so accurate. Would that churches today would re-emphasize marriage, including in their "youth" groups, rather than spending so much time on "divorce recovery" and justification of singleness. Churches have things just as upside-down as the culture anymore, sigh.

Posted By: Louise | July 18, 2009 1:01 PM

Julia, I am glad you have found what you believe you are looking for in life. But you couldn't be more wrong about family. Jesus asked who was his family and motioned to those around him.

I can't tell you how many people, including many single and widowed women, have found love, support, and even future spouses through the church. If you are in church for the purpose of finding a spouse, you are there for the wrong reason. But with the right intentions, many people have found happiness and fulfillment there spiritually and personally both in and out of long term personal relationships.

My experiences knowing hundreds upon hundreds of people through the years in six different states runs counter to the very thesis of your article.

In Christ,

Tom Paine
Metairie, LA

Posted By: Tom Paine | July 18, 2009 2:06 PM

After spending many years as a single and now experiencing marriage, and after spending many years participating in singles forums, I would like to offer this observation. A large percentage of the mature single individuals I have known, who advocate "singleness", have done so from a place of deep spiritual, emotional and relational hurt. True...some of us are called to celibacy and to singleness however that is not the norm. It is far to easy to place those labells upon rselves as a response to te failed dreams of a relationship, either thru divorce, death of a spouse or otherwise. It is a difiult thing to trust God to guide you thru the healing process and back into deep relationships, and possibley to a future spouse. God designed us to function in relationship. Many of those "Single minded" individuals I have known, use it to keep others at arms length. The greatest challenge to my faith has been the coming together and the becoming "One Flesh" with my wife, to give up my selfish ways and to work with a "partner" who also holds the image of God.
Forgive me if this seems like a generalization. It's not intended to be that. I relate my experiences and those individuals who have rossed my path. This does not mean all are tis way.

Posted By: Jeff Scott | July 18, 2009 3:31 PM

Julia...You should do a article on singles groups in larger churches to see how they are addressing the issues here. My assumption is the that many of the gripes that singles have are with smaller churches (nothing wrong with those) since they are at a loss of what to do with us. For a while I had attended a large singes group in southwest Michigan that was part of a larger church. The woman who led the group was in her mid 30s and single and was able to responsibility address
the issues of the 200+ singles that attended. I would be curious as to the experiences that others may have had.

Posted By: Basilette | July 18, 2009 10:25 PM

Julia
Even though you have some important points like not limiting your life to a "a life in church" ONLY and adopting a child is good TOO.My question is that this "solution" that you have proposed to get out does not in itself solve the problem of remaining single. It did not work for you as a 4 year old is NOT A SPOUSE. The fact is that christian single have other issues like independence, pride, being too choosy with unrealistic standards.
Going out of "church circle"does not solve this.
Singles are safer around the saints anyhow

Posted By: banji adesanmi | July 19, 2009 10:11 AM

You make a mistake when you say marriage and children mean "set for life". I know a woman who was married and had two grown sons, both of her sons died before they ever had the chance to marry then her husband died. I've met other women who have experienced similar things. Marriage will give you a husband for a while but it is no guarantee of a happy and secure life.

Posted By: Les | July 19, 2009 1:39 PM

I do not believe God "will send a husband" your way. In case you have not noticed, that does not appear to be the trend. God provides opportunity, and it is up to us to follow it. For the one who posted it is not mature for one to feel like they NEED a mate, isn't that feel the same as the one who drives for celibacy? That urge in itself is a spiritual calling. Some are called to be single and those are the ones who willingly submit themselves to be celibate, others are called to be wives and mothers. Those urges are the same. They are not different. I am perfectly content with God doing what He will in my life, but I do not believe my urges to be a mother and wife are spiritually immature. Does that mean I am jumping at every man that walks by? Certainly not. But I will also not restrict myself and convince myself to thinking that church is the only way I will find a good man. God gives us the ability to choose to follow. He's not simply going to throw a husband at you. It's up to you to follow the path he's leading you down. Its part of the whole "free will" concept that we are so fortunate to have. It's up to us to seek opportunities He has provided. For instance, if you're online and run across an internet dating site, why not try it? God works in mysterious way, check it out, look it over, use the sense and intuition the Lord has provided, seek His guidance, and maybe it will lead your mate. Thats how it happened for me anyhow. It's more that just trusting, its Doing.

Believing is an action verb. It is an on going action. We act on our belief. We are not to sit idly by. How can you call yourself a believer if you are not acting on it? If you do not do anything, then you are not believing. you're simply being lazy and greedy. Trust in the Lord your God to guide your behavior and feet to the right path even if it appears unconventional. That is Belief. That is Faith. God does not give to those who do not ask or seek. So, I do agree with the post. It is up to us to take action. God will guide us and it is our choice to follow His guidance. Whether that path leads you to celibacy or a mate is up to Him and to you. If you follow it truly, you will never regret being celibate if that's where it leads. Likewise, if you thought you were to be celibate and end up being married, you will not regret that either because you followed your God.

Posted By: Leia | July 19, 2009 1:55 PM

This article is shocking. Telling people to leave the Church? I want the woman that will be my wife to be at Church. I would much rather be in the house of the Lord than anywhere else.

Posted By: gary | July 19, 2009 5:07 PM

Renee, my sister in law is like this. Goes to church, does all the right things, lives her life, serves the Lord - and is single (although she'd love to be married). She has the expectation that God will send her husband to her, and she just has to wait around.

Let's compare this to her sister. They've attended the same church for years, done the same things, she's also lived her life to the full. She came to the realisation that she needed to widen her circle of friends and meet more people - and if one of them happened to end up a spouse that was fine, but at least she's getting out there. She left her church, went to a new one, did activities inside church AND out (very important) that enabled her to meet others with similar interests, and at an event met someone she's now in a happy relationship with.

Sister number 1 (over 30) thinks that her one and only will come charging in on the white horse and proclaiming 'it is I God has sent to you!'. She doesn't date, isn't open to 'leads' because she's waiting for that.

Sister 2 and other friends of mine are quite happy to go and date, be introduced to friends of friends, even go online. They aren't desperate for a husband, they have happy, fulfilling lives, but they understand waiting around for life to happen isn't the way it works. They're having fun and meeting great guys in the process - they may not be The One, but they are having good nights out. Yes, these are all Christians.

I never actively pursued a husband - I, like these other girls, was happily single. I also didn't wait around, though, I too widened the circles I associated in to meet more people (inside and outside church). I ended up meeting a great guy, and we got married a few years ago at 23. Yes, God is involved in the 'meeting the spouse' process, but you too need to be open to new things and get out and about.

Posted By: Katie | July 19, 2009 6:44 PM

The opinion of this article is based upon one woman's limited experience, rather than the clear teaching of Scripture. The passage referring to Anna is completely taken out of context and doesn't even hold true to the tone of Anna's inclusion in Scripture, which was her THANKSGIVING and declaration to those who longed for the redemption by the Promised One of God.

I find the article completely counter to a surrendered relationship with Jesus Christ, as essentially women are being counseled to leave the Body of Christ in better hopes of finding a mate. But here's the truth: Only when one is willing to follow Christ, where ever He may lead, will one have the satisfaction of the soul that the author seems to desire. Neither singleness nor marriage will bring that satisfaction - it can only be found in the Lover of our souls, the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Posted By: LeAnne | July 19, 2009 7:31 PM

The pastors in this article make me mad! They should be taking notice of faithful servants and if they can't help them get married should at least me helping them to integrate into the church community and helping to provide for their needs if they don't have a family of their own! But many pastors can be selfish and only care about advancing their ministry instead of serving and loving the people God has brought them.

Posted By: Kristin | July 19, 2009 8:48 PM

Again sometimes I wonder which bible people are reading. God said it is not good for men to be alone in the proverbs and psalms it said 1 alone cannot stand 2 is better & 3 is better still. The bible said seek he 1st the Kingdom of God and every thing else will be added.God is our first point he said he will give us the desires of our heart in his will. There were a few women in the bible that look for a husband my fav is Ruth the greatest grandmother to Jesus Obed , Jesse, David,Joseph to Jesus Christ our saviour. Paul Address this issue in the new testement. and let face it the attitude of some of these women turn off any prospect some don't even smile or have any Joy.All the Women I know in the bible were beautiful in attitude and take care of themsleves Paul said it his better to marry than to burn and that singleness can be good Love is a gift from God this is the same god who give gift to all christian and non christian.You have to keep active go out sometimes to non christian events meet people there is plenty of good men looking for a woman to shares(SHARE) his love with not. I'm a 46 yrs single mother for 14ys and was enjoying being with Jesus and he sent me someone unexpectly, I ask for a husband who Love god with a passion like me. Being a christian is an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ some times you have to be expose and challenge open and valuable, spend time in god presence let him be your first love and the main love of your life he will hanour you. God choices his the best let him choose for you when I look into this man who will be my husband eyes I see the love of God and know that this is a threesome God this man and me I am overwhelm and humbled. that god love me an care about every aspect of my life.I hanour god with my life and have been obedient, and this is his earthly gift to me.Advise Love god be intimate and open for that how you have to be before you are ready for a husband and if you prefer singleness let him be your husband lover, friend your all in all and he will satisfy you you will never be lonely.Shalom.

Posted By: mj | July 19, 2009 9:20 PM

This is one of the most condescendingly judgmental things I've read in a long time. Single women are moping around church waiting for God to send them a husband? Really? Not the single women I know. And, if there are single women whose lives revolve around the church, at least give them the dignity of assuming that that's what they choose rather than assuming that that's all they have or all they can get. Good grief, that's just obnoxious.

The notion that women who can snag a husband are "set for life" and that single women's sole object is to escape their singleness is just astounding. Really, what century was the author born in?

The prophetess Anna is given a place of prominence in Luke. Rather than view her as some pitiful wretch as this article does, perhaps what the Bible intends to teach us is to higly value women who choose to serve as she did.

Posted By: Christian Lawyer | July 19, 2009 9:56 PM

Julia stated in this article a few times that she believes that the church should help women find men. I'm sorry but as good as this sounds it... 1.) Takes us back about a few hundred years 2.) The idea of doing so runs against the grain of our ruggedly individualistic culture which insists that you take care of your own affairs.

Meeting a future spouse was one of the reasons why young Christian women would go off to a Bible College or Christian University...to get their MRS degree.

Posted By: Basil | July 20, 2009 9:48 AM

The article was definitely a good read, but I must disagree with most of what it claims.

As a single 26 year old woman, I understand the struggles one can face and the loneliness that one endures at times, but to think that a single woman spending time at church and seeking God's face is a so called, "Ana Syndrome" or looked down upon is unfair and wrong. How can spending time with the Lord be wrong? Above all things we are required to have a strong relationship with the Lord and having a husband isn't going to give us more credibility in the Lord's eyes. Our main goal as Christians is to live a holy life, spread the gospel and escape the wrath of God, NOT get Married and have kids. When I get to heaven, God will not be asking me, "Daughter, did you find a husband?" -- Is finding a husband a good thing? Absolutely! Is being single a good thing? Absolutely! God knows our desires and will provide us with what we need in his time. Of course waiting around thinking that the Lord is going to send your husband to your front door like a UPS package is ridiculous, and do feel that meeting new people, volunteering, and going on dates is great way to meet that "special someone," but we must understand that getting married isn't going to complete us.

So many single women put their life on hold and are miserable because they haven't reached their goal of marrying and having kids by 30. They become so obsessed with wanting a family, that they create their own path and get into marriage too soon, trying to meet their own deadline. Unfortunately, many have realized they aren't as happy as they imagined they would be and many wish they had waited on the Lord. Finding a husband and having kids doesn't make you "set for life" or make you any more happy than being single. Singleness is a gift from God and we must enjoy it, so that if and when he introduces us to a life of marriage, we can look back and be glad we lived our single life to the fullest and be ready to embark on a different journey. Getting married is a gift from God and if that's the path the Lord has written for you, AMEN, but no one should sit back and look at singles and feel that we are missing out on a happy life, or blessing because we don't have a spouse. Job says it best when he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21 (NIV)

In the end God is our sufficient peace, strength and will not give us more than what we can endure. If you are meant to be single God will give you the spirit of contentment, and if you desire to get married, then God will fulfill your desire, simply have faith! :)

PS. Church is family and they are placed in our lives for support and understanding. My Family in CHRIST! I won't get into this subject, or it will be a way longer comment, lol.

Posted By: Lidia | July 20, 2009 9:59 AM

I agree with everything that everyone has said. so wont repeat it.
Im 18 and would love to be married soon, howver dont think its on the cards for me. I am 100% devoted to my calling. The church is Jesus's Bride. jesus's church is the community, instead of preaching to a herd of people, go out there share your love for others, Like jesus did. This is the true church. In doing this you will meet someone and when the time is right marry them. I personally dont believe in 'the one'. You can expect to sit around waiting for God to bring you your husband. Yet you cant go out searching for one and take the first man that comes alone.
Serving God and the true church is the answer be 100% commited to God's purpose for you and when the time is right some one will come along.
Jesus spent his life with human desires and longings, he filled his need for love and intimacy from God. We should all strive for this first and then look around us for someone to share our life with. More often than not he's right under your nose!
I want nothing more than to be a mother. I will adopt children, God has called me to adopt. There is nothing wrong with being single and adopting. I will be early 20's adopting. 2 parent families do work the best yet these days anything works as long as you have the love of God.
I wont carry on or it will go on forever, there is so many things wrongs with churches, ( run by humans) put your faith in Jesus's Church.

Posted By: Anonymous | July 20, 2009 10:23 AM

Most of the abv comments Hv some point or the other that I do agree with. I am also amazed that Christianity Today posts such articles on their site that wld totally mislead baby christians. Being involved in Church shd in no way be the cause or effect of not being married. However Church is our family if they are truly following Jesus Christ ( I mean obeying Jesus - The Bible is the Instruction Manual for Christian Living). So if the whole Secular World can arrange to get even gentile folk to come together in marriage (by internet or whatever way) I dont see what's wrong if the Church cares abt its family and find means to bring the Children of the Light together. This shd be seriously considered by the elders of the church family to take care of their children/family. After all that's why God created Adam & Eve and commanded them to increase & multiply too.

Posted By: florina | July 20, 2009 1:55 PM

I can't tell you how disappointed I am with this article! As Christians, our primary purpose is to serve and glorify the Lord, not to find a spouse. Even when we ARE married, each of us must first love the LORD with all his/her heart, soul, and mind. Spouse and children come second, not first!

If single women choose to dedicate themselves wholeheartedly to church service, how much does God honor and bless those women! Certainly they are a delight to His heart, and nothing is better than pleasing the Savior--no, not even finding a husband. Shame on anyone who would disparage a woman who has dedicated her life to the Lord's work by calling her a "church groupie" or someone who needs to "get a new life"! Do you think God is going to ask these women why they didn't write books or teach English instead of serving Christ's body? No, He will give them jewels in their crowns! I'm not saying there's anything wrong with secular community service, but it IS wrong to imply that a single person's service to the body is EVER pathetic or worthless.

The author does not say whether the single women she refers to are happy as they are. She makes it clear that SHE is not, but some people are. Not everyone desires sex or finds the desire so overpowering that it would be better for them to marry. This is the gift of celibacy. Perhaps the single women the author feels so sorry for have this gift. Also, some people DO find close relationships and emotional sustenance in deep, rich friendships with what the author dismissively refers to as "this great herd of singles so prevalent in churches."

Family is important, but a spouse and children are not the be-all-end-all of family. Family also consists of parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins, and the "families by adoption" that consist of our close friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. The model of family that Jesus and later Paul prescribed emphasizes relationships in Christ over relationships by blood. If someone is single and has no other family, the church is to reach out to that person and incorporate him/her into the family of Christ. If the author's church is not doing that, then that congregation is doing something wrong. Frankly, we're living in a time in history of unprecedented elevation of the nuclear family (spouse and kids). In Biblical times, people lived in extended kinship groups, and there wasn't this contemporary, romantic Western notion that ALL our emotional needs could be fulfilled by a marital partner.

And guess what? When you get married, you aren't suddenly "set for life." At any time, you could lose your security when your spouse is laid off, becomes chronically ill or injured, or develops some other devastating problem like substance abuse or an Internet porn addiction. You just never know what life will bring your way, and in the end, either you or your spouse will pass away, leaving the other single once more. The only real security is in Jesus Christ, NOT in another person!

I feel sorry for the author because, despite her best efforts, she still has not found the spouse she longs for. Also, I think it's sad that she's "just fine missing all those healing conferences and Bible speakers" since she "heard it all in the first 25 years" of her walk with Jesus. Anyone who thinks they have nothing left to learn is missing the opportunity to continue growing in Christ. Perhaps what she needs to seek is the same kind of heart that leads those single women she criticized to devote so much of themselves to God's work.

I'll leave you with one last thought. It's one that's been repeated many times, but apparently, it bears repeating yet again: Jesus was single. Paul was single, too. It seems God recognized the very special role that people can play in the church when they don't marry. Why can't we recognize it, too?

Posted By: The Lord Is My Shepherd | July 20, 2009 2:46 PM

MERCIEL:

You said, "However, is there any married person out there who wishes they would've dedicated their life to celibacy rather than be married? Not if they're happily married."

But, you see, not everyone is happily married. Many are not. Some married for the wrong reasons. Some married spouses God would not have chosen for them if they had consulted Him first. There are people who are much better off single than in unhappy marriages.

Then you said, "They would rather deal with the struggles they face in a marriage than the struggles they face as a single person. Single people feel the same way and should not be treated as though they are doing something wrong because of it."

Not all single people feel the way you describe. The struggles of singleness are primarily loneliness, celibacy, discrimination, and physical challenges such as surviving on one income, taking sole responsibility for the home, arranging for long-term medical care, etc. Much loneliness can be alleviated by developing rich, strong relationships with extended family, friends, roommates, neighbors, and brothers and sisters in Christ. The physical challenges that singles face, especially as they get older, are eased by living with roommates or in residential communities and SHOULD be partly eased by the church family looking for ways to help others in need. The discriminatory social stigma that haunts singles in churches and other places based around nuclear families is deeply hurtful and really should not be tolerated. While singles can't change the attitudes or behavior of others, it can help to participate in singles groups and actively seek out single friends for support and understanding. So that leaves just celibacy as the only struggle that has no easy answer. However, I've known people who have persistently prayed that God would diminish their sexual desire and have seen that prayer answered. Also, not all people have a strong sex drive to begin with.

On the other hand, the struggles of marriage can be generalized as the continual conflict between two human beings with separate thoughts, beliefs, desires, and goals trying to bring all of the above into alignment in every dimension of life. That is HARD. When everything can't be aligned, the inevitable fallout is hurt and anger. Dealing with that, too, is HARD. That is, I believe, why Paul wished more people could be as he was and said that those who are married are concerned with the affairs of this world, how they can please their partners. It takes tremendous time and effort to sustain a marriage, and that necessarily diminishes the time and effort that can be devoted to the work that God has called us to do. At its best, the rewards of marriage are great, but at its worst, marriage can leave people broken and devastated in a way that few other relationships can.

I'm glad that you seem to have a happy marriage, but I wonder if people who don't would agree with you that they'd rather be married than single. As I see it, single life is actually much easier and more peaceful.

Posted By: The Lord Is My Shepherd | July 20, 2009 3:37 PM

JEFF SCOTT:

You said, "A large percentage of the mature single individuals I have known, who advocate 'singleness', have done so from a place of deep spiritual, emotional and relational hurt. True...some of us are called to celibacy and to singleness however that is not the norm. It is far to easy to place those labells upon rselves as a response to te failed dreams of a relationship, either thru divorce, death of a spouse or otherwise. It is a difiult thing to trust God to guide you thru the healing process and back into deep relationships, and possibley to a future spouse. God designed us to function in relationship."

God DID design us to have relationships but not just marital relationships. The second part of the Greatest Commandment is to love your NEIGHBOR as yourself, not your husband, wife, or children. That is not to say, of course, that you shouldn't love your spouse and children! But God obviously intended us to grow through all kinds of relationships, not just the marital relationship.

Personally, I have also known some singles who chose to be single after having relationships that didn't work out. However, perhaps that was because they discovered that they were more content and more useful serving the Lord undistracted by "the cares of this world." While I've known singles who chose to remain so after failed romantic or marital relationships, I've never known any who then became reclusive, shutting out relationships with other family members, friends, and Christian brothers and sisters. If someone chooses to focus on relationships other than the marital relationship, there's nothing wrong with that.

Finally, even if some people decide not to pursue another romantic relationship because they HAVE been hurt, that's not necessarily a bad reason for remaining single. It's not healthy to enter into a marriage if you're carrying deep wounds from a previous relationship. Let's face it: some marriages are deeply troubled and do extensive damage to the people in them. God certainly doesn't require those who've been through that kind of trauma to go through it again. All He requires is that we love and serve Him. Now, if someone believes that the best way he or she can do that is by entering another relationship, then fine. But if someone does not feel called to enter another relationship, then let them remain as they are. I'm not sure why it should trouble you if these people choose to stay single.

Posted By: Anonymous | July 20, 2009 4:10 PM

There are women who are single and go to church with no intention of finding a mate, who are there only to worship God and meet friends. The married women find it hard to associate with the single women since "their husband may get taken away" or the single women are "not good enough" to fit in at church. Give single women a break! Be it single by way of divorce or not meeting the right man. At least she is in church! I find it hard to believe that there are "so many" single women hanging around church to meet a man. I have left two churches due to being shunned by other members who believed I was there to "break up a happy family." Church is a great place to meet a single man. There are married women in church who have such little self esteem that any single woman who begins to attend a new church is only up to no good. PLEASE!! If it is by way of divorce it took two to make the marriage work. The woman is back in church trying to make the best of a bad situation and to get her life back on track with God. Anyone who has gone through a divorce with or without children know how devastating it can be. Yes, single life is much easier and peaceful! I can catch the sermon online and on TV, leaving attending church to all the happily married families. That would be an issue neglecting public worship.

Posted By: a little lost sheep | July 20, 2009 4:19 PM

I found this article to be a rather bizarre choice for CT; the writing reeks of inexperienced blogger and not magazine journalism. I think media is still suffering through an adolescent phase with the emergence of blogging, as this is probably not intended as a researched piece of informative writing but instead a subjective opinionated glimpse of one woman's life. The mistake here is it is written so as to be advice that covers a whole segment of the church. Had this come from a more encouraging angle, say, to encourage churchgoers to volunteer in the community and continue the calling to serve others, therfore expanding circle of friends, it would have been more effective. Shaming people for over involvement and then blaming church leadership for ideals that are not end-goals of ministry is rather... stupid.

Many thanks to the CT bloggers who have used this medium in a way that has been uplifting, informative and based on either fact or with intention to provoke discussion.

Posted By: Stephanie | July 20, 2009 4:24 PM

I'm dissappointed by this article. God should be enough for anyone. He will take care of His children. Marriage is not a cure for _______(fill in the blank). I know plenty of lonely, poor, discontent, ect. married people. Marriage is also not a guarantee that you will always have someone. I know a woman who is in her thirties and widowed.
As far as involvement in church-bad, bad, advice! God has gifted every Christian, single or married, to serve the body of Christ. I don't "hang out" at church because I have nowhere else to go, but because I believe the Lord will soon return. I don't think I will regret serving God; I may regret wasting time pursuing worldly pleasures or personal desires.

Posted By: Rebekah | July 24, 2009 10:00 PM

Hi,

Yes, you touched a touchy point, a very important one. I think you are courageous to stand up for these present-day widows the church should take care of. When we do that maybe we stumble upon some non-samaritan-spirited folks...
The other day a friend of mine started to say that she heard most heroes were dead today. I replied...sure, but if they were not dead there would be a lot less cowards alive... ;) I realize this is no laughing matter...

Posted By: Angela | July 30, 2009 3:28 PM

After 13 years of being single again through the vehicle of divorce (not by my choosing), I've had many pity parties about poor me--single parent with no other nuclear family in my town except my children. I was blessed that I met friends in the church and they have become my family. They have shared many challenges and many triumphs with me. Yes, we are all very actively involved in the church, but we love it. For myself, I travel a lot. I recently went on a missions trip. I involve myself in activities in AND out of the church. I've done the internet dating thing which is not for me. Over the past few months, God has shown me that I am perfectly fine whether I ever marry or not. And there is nothing wrong with being one of the people who support the church in their envdeavors. If everyone took the attitude "let someone else help," then perhaps nothing would get done. We know the pastors alone cannot run every ministry and department.

Being a single Christian woman is not the easiest thing in the world because of what society, and even other Christians think of it. But being a single Christian woman is not a bad thing either--there are many advantages. Sure, two are better than one. But honestly, I don't think everyone who wants to marry will actually get married. Many think that we are not complete as women unless we are married. That's not true. We cannot live our lives being "on hold" until Mr. Wonderful enters. We have plenty of exciting times ahead of us whether he shows up or not. Our lives should not be of any less value if we are single and not married. We are not complete unless we are in Him. Let's allow ourselves to be complete in Him and let Him orchestrate our steps--in and out of the church. He knows exactly where we need to be if he has a mate for us. However, the church is not a bad place to be if your purpose there is to grow--not to "hook up."

Sure, one day I'd love to marry again. However, I've decided to enjoy my life and all the opportunities I have now--in and outside of the church. My life will be full whether I marry or not and whether I spend a large part of my time serving in church or not.

Posted By: D | August 19, 2009 1:23 PM

While there are some very good points made in this article, there are also other points that concern me. The subtext seems to be that anyone who spends too much time in church is avoiding real life, and settling for less.

Starting with the first reference to the 'Anna Syndrome' -- the word 'syndrome' is automatically pejorative, and along with the word 'linger' makes it sound like something was wrong with her. When I look at the Bible verse, I don't see this negative connotation.

Looking at the description of the friend and her activities, the article says: "various church events geared to keeping members busy: retreats, visiting speakers, conferences, and Bible studies". I have never attended a church where any of the activities were 'geared to keeping members busy'. What a disparaging perspective.

But even that pales besides the statement: "I'm not criticizing church attendance per se, but I feel sorry for these church groupies". Church groupies? Again, it is an inherently disparaging term.

Perhaps I might have agreed with more of the article if it had avoided those terms that inherently mock the church. And my own viewpoint is certainly biased by the fact that I'm not going to date (much less marry) any man who does not share my faith.

So I disagree with the basic premise of the article. That said, I certainly do agree that the church can do a better job at helping single women. The story in the article about pastors who 'could care less' when someone was almost homeless is disturbing.

I even agree that there is more to life than sitting inside the four walls of a church -- although my meaning is different. It's not a question of dropping church activities to 'get more out of life', it is a question of taking what is learned in church, and using it to reach out to the community.

If my highest goal in life were to be married, then I've clearly wasted my time. But my goal in life is to worship and serve God. Yes, I would love to get married, but only to someone who is passionately in love with Jesus first. To me, anything else is truly settling for less. I'm not hiding or loitering in church, I'm worshipping and and serving and teaching, and learning skills that I take out into my daily life to bless the people around me.

After all, a church is an assembly of people, not a building. Whether I'm at my secular job, where I interact daily with people of different faiths (Hindus, Muslims, and Jews), or volunteering teaching sn ESL class to attendees at a church run food pantry, or packing hamburgers for another church run food pantry, or leading a church service in a nursing home, or volunteering at an orphanage in Mozambique, or visiting churches in Tanzania to encourage the pastors and help train and pray for the people, or teaching a leadership class at church, I'm being the Church, and representing Jesus the best that I can. Obviously, I'm not always a good reflection of Him, but with His grace I'll shine His light wherever I go. And when I go into the building that we call the church, I expect to worship God, and to be encouraged, and to learn something new so that I can do a better job tomorrow.

Posted By: Ann | August 24, 2009 4:08 PM

Here it is from God's own Word...

1 Corinthians 7 (The Message)

To Be Married, to Be Single . . .
1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2-6Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 7Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.
8-9I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

10-11And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master's command, not mine. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife.

12-14For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God.

15-16On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.

17And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

Posted By: Rick | September 2, 2009 12:17 AM

The reality is there are indeed more Christian women than men so there will be unmarried women no matter what. The question for me is how can I help, love, and support all my sisters-whatever maritial state they are in. I think this article is silly-go deal with your church if they are as unloving as you make them out to be or be the person who makes sure single women are cared for-but don't paint all churches with your small experience.

Posted By: trisha | September 9, 2009 1:58 PM

I don't understand the attitude of some of the posters on here. The ones who have attacked the women Ms. Duin mentioned in her article, who have managed to marry and have children, and are now happy. They seem to be gloating that, "There is no such thing as being 'set for life'" and go on to relate horrible tales of people who have lost their entire families. What is their point? Are they actually wishing that something bad will happen to these women who took matters into their own hands and went against what these Christians think is right? It seems to me that this is the case. I hope I'm wrong, but if my hunch is correct, this is awful. What kind of human being wishes for bad things to come to another person, just to prove his or her religious point. Just so they can feel better, just so they can be smug in their correct beliefs, they would have tragedy befall a fellow human being. In my opinion, these are pathetic individuals who think like this. If this is what true Christianity is, I want nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Posted By: anonymous | January 11, 2010 3:58 PM

I am a woman, married, and a Christian, and I am highly offended. God did not create marriage as the end all and goal of life. Where do you get off telling Christian singles that they need to hunt for a mate so they aren't a burden to others? At least, that's the message I got from this.

I adamantly disagree with your concept of taking matters into your own hands and hunting down a mate. I imagine if you take a look in some of those Old Testament Bible stories you'll find plenty of people who took matters into their own hands rather than waiting on God, and then ended up making a mess of things. (Abram & Sarai, Isaac & Rebecca, Moses, etc.) By running ahead of God in anything, we are saying that God is not able to meet our needs. That's not faith.

1 Corinthians 7:7-9 says, "For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." The apostle Paul actually said he believed it to be best for singles and widows to remain UNMARRIED. Why would he say that? Because he believed it would allow them to be free from the distractions of having a mate to devote their time to living for Christ.

Christians are to be busy about the work of the church. Jesus Christ established the church, and to be quite frank, the church is to be more important than our fleshly families. Christ said we are to love Him more than mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife.

Posted By: Liz | January 23, 2010 7:49 PM

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