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« 2D Love and Lars and the Real Girl | Main | Florida's Other Marriage Amendment »

August 3, 2009

Young Pups in Love

My family's own story bears out the wisdom of 'The Case for Early Marriage.'

LaVonne Neff

Forty-one years ago last March, when my husband, David, and I went to get our marriage license, he had to bring a letter of permission from his parents. In California in 1968, a woman could marry without permission at age 18, but a man had to be at least 21. I was 19 and David was 20 - though in the excitement of the moment, he forgot his age and told the clerk he was 18. Good thing he had that letter.

Twenty-one years later, our 18-year-old daughter, Molly, brought an entire choir to our Illinois home from Rice University in Houston, Texas. After the choir left, one young man stayed. As we were getting ready to sit down for Sunday dinner, Molly said, "Byron and I have something we'd like to discuss with you and Dad. Would you rather do it now, or after dinner?"

I gulped, thinking of only two possible conversational topics. "Now," I said.

"Okay," said Molly. "We would like to get married as soon as we can support ourselves. We were thinking maybe next year."

"Whew!" said David and I.

This was the first time we had met Byron, and at age 19 he had a lot in common with a half-grown yellow lab. We trusted Molly's judgment, though - and besides, I had clear memories of my parents' reservations about the young pup I had brought home when I was exactly Molly's age and he, exactly Byron's. "Are you sure?" they asked me (they thought his manners needed polishing, and they didn't quite get his sense of humor). "Are you sure?" David's parents asked him (they were concerned that I ate too much and that my bikini was too scanty). "Yes!" we both said, and all four of them kindly switched into supportive-parent mode.

I believe in young marriage. When I saw sociologist Mark Regnerus's cover article in the August issue of Christianity Today, "The Case for Early Marriage," I sat right down and read it, smiling the whole way through. It makes sense to marry when your sex drive is strongest, your body is most fertile, and you're young enough to adapt to someone else's idiosyncrasies. That is, if you've figured out how to support yourself (or if your parents are willing to help), if you've met the person you want to spend your life with, and especially if both of you believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment and are willing to take one another "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health."

It's been 20 years since Molly and Byron made plans to marry, and 42 years since David and I did. Our two granddaughters are now teenagers. I don't know if, in four or five years, they'll be bringing home young pups for their parents to inspect. If they do, Molly and Byron, take a deep cleansing breath and - if you reasonably can - give them your blessing. If young marriage turns out as well for them as it did for you and for us, we'll all be blessed.

Comments

Before you leave a comment pointing out dismal statistics about young marriages, be sure to read Regnerus's article. Also, the fact that I am for young marriage does not mean that I am against later marriage or no marriage at all. I have happily married friends who married for the first time in their 40s, 50s, and 60s; and I have happily single friends who intend to remain that way. My daughter Heidi wisely broke her engagement to her high-school sweetheart when she was 18. All I'm saying--and what I think Regnerus is saying--is that society, and individuals, can benefit when young marriage is a socially approved and supported option.

I'm single by choice for the sake of ministry, but I heartily agree with this article! I strongly support young marriage as healthy and wise.

Young marriage does not go with this emerging phenomenon of "adultescence." That would likely be why most early marriages end in divorce.

That being said, I am all for growing up. And I think marriage is the crucible in which most of that transition to real adulthood happens.

I would encourage mature young people to go ahead and marry but would discourage those who are just kids in adult bodies to wait!

I've already weighed in regarding Mark Regnerus' excellent article, but as a young wife who's glad she did it I can't help supporting marriage wherever I can. :)

I got married just over three years ago, two weeks shy of my 22nd birthday to a man just two years older, while still in college (though he graduated a year before the wedding). The statistics on me don't look so good: a child of divorce, who probably falls in the 'evangelical' category, young, and a student/worker of counterculture (in this case, the art world). They don't look so good for my husband, either, who lived away from home only 8 months before being married. Both, shall we say, sexually inexperienced. Also, more than half of our 2.5 year dating relationship was conducted long-distance. To quote that great philosopher of my generation: zoinks.

Of course it's not all sunshine and puppies. In fact, we're in the middle of a major crisis right now. We weathered the first one just two months into the start of our marriage, and there have been plenty more in between. Three short years have seen some major changes in our lives and characters.

In those last two years of college, ie. the first two years of marriage, constant, slightly awed inquiries from fellow students ran along the lines of, "what's it like? Don't you get tired of each other? How do you know you're having good sex if neither of you had it before?" and so on. Those questions made me realize why one, two, three years of marriage seem like no time at all, when four short years ago being in a dating relationship for six whole months felt like sooooo loooooong! The short of it is this: our primary commitment is to the marriage itself. Our chief concern is keeping our promises. The reason this is so important is for the simple fact that my husband and I don't always like each other. We don't always make each other happy. Anyone who's been in a relationship knows that no one can hurt, frustrate, or anger you quite like a partner. If our marriage was based on happiness and (positive) excitement - 'starter marriage', anyone? - we'd have been divorced in three months. The institution, and the commitment to it, is why it lasts.

As far as the sex question, I think it's a bizarre and ridiculous concern. Somehow, it became canon to my generation that your first sexual partner will be memorable but awful, and that's why you have to be experienced before sleeping with your true love. Look, let's say you're playing beach volleyball for the first time - it's going to be several games before you and your partner start syncing, not just improving your game but becoming attuned to how he moves on the court so that you start having less fumbles and collisions. If you enjoy beach volleyball, and like your partner, and like playing with your partner, and he feels the same way, as long as you keep playing together, you'll keep improving, becoming more comfortable, and having more and more fun. And that's my awkward, clumsy sexual analogy for the day. Please ignore all the holes that can be poked in it and just take the intent at face value. :D

I like being married. I really, really like being married. I love my husband, God bless him as he drives me crazy every few hours, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It sounds freakish to direct ones devotion to an intangible, incorporeal *thing* - the marriage - but, at the end of the day, it's why we're still together, and delighted to be.

Elly, I think you are really naive, as I would expect from anyone of your age only married for 3 years. You know nothing! I don't say this as an insult, but in 3 years of marriage you have only touched the tip of the iceberg. It may seem like enough time to you to think you know about marriage and know about your spouse, but you are still in the honeymoon phase.

Elly, what a wonderful comment you left. Your attitude about marriage is great even if you have been married for only 3 years.

Alison, that was one of the least helpful comments I have seen on this board. Because people are young doesn't necessarily mean they are naive. And particularly since this is a topic that should be addressed to people that are young (after all you can't encourage people to marry young, once they are in their early 40s) completely dismissing her comments doesn't move the conversation anywhere.

Clearly there are advocates on both sides. There is research that says that early marriage is more likely to end in divorce. We also have Christians that think that sex outside of marriage is wrong, people that want to encourage Christians to have more children, etc. I am all for people getting married when they want. What I am also for is good marriage support for those that are married, for those that will be married soon and for children and youth that will be married in a decade or two. The church too often only want to get involved when there are problems (if at all). I am all for encouraging early marriage, as long as we are at the same time focusing resources on how to encourage marriages to last.

Elly, I'm sorry I was so snarky in my response to you. While I may not be in favor of early marriages because they are often for the wrong reason, I am glad that yours has been good and I hope it is as good as my daughter's marriage, who just celebrated her 10th anniversary and has a great, if not perfect, marriage and husband. So here's a shout out to all of you who have made it work. And to my daughter, I agree to stay off this blog.

While I wasn't ancient (23) when I got married, I struggled with my brother's marriage. (He was 19.) I've been praying for them, of course, and I thank you for posting this article. Little bit of a view-changer there. I am thankful, of course, that they have God at the head of their marriage.

OK, just one more comment and I'm done. I got married when I was 22 and he was 21. A year later he met his soulmate and it wasn't me. So I guess I'm a little cynical.

Thanks for this article. I was married when my husband and I were both 21. We just celebrated out 8th wedding anniversary. It is a precious thing to me to still be with my young love, my first lover, my we-have-become-adults-together mate. And yes, we have had a lot of help from our parents over the years. These things are gifts I thank God for, though I believe that other sweet gifts are available no matter what the marriage age.

We were married younger than most people we know; the "get to know yourself," "establish your career," "don't rush this big decision" language truly is everywhere. I was just thinking about what kinds of messages about marriage we need to be intentional about communicating to our now 3-year-old daughter. At the very least I hope to be a voice that says, like our parents did, that being committed is the most important part of a marriage. And that it's okay to be formed together and work out your careers and lives together after marriage.

"if youâ€™ve figured out how to support yourself (or if your parents are willing to help), if youâ€™ve met the person you want to spend your life with, and especially if both of you believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment and are willing to take one another â€œfor better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.â€

I support any marriage with the above characteristics. As long as the people involved aren't children (under age 18), I don't see why age need be such a big issue. Which is why I have such a problem with this pushing, pushing, pushing for young marriage in CT's most recent issue. If a young couple is ready, great. If not, IT'S OKAY TOO.

I made a rather log comment on the article from CT. The real issue is we need to teach our children and teenagers to be responsible, then they will have what it takes to get married and stay married.

I think there are arguments for both, but ultimately God has a plan for each of us. Even me!

While I'm happy for those of you who have posted your success/struggles/perseverance stories, many of which are truly moving, I'm not sure that anecdotal evidence provides much support either for young marriage or for later marriage. I think the Evangelical community too often takes what might be a very good teaching for some and sets it up as "the best" way to be, think, act. I think God gives a variety of gifts, talents, interests, passions to people in various measures and at various times. People should do what they understand God is calling them to do. In my United Methodist tradition, we look to scripture, tradition, reason, and experience to understand God's Word. Sometimes (not always) there is more than one right answer. Young marriage, the quiverfull movement, the virgin lips movement, the complementarians. They all want to impose one right answer, most often for women. God is not that limited.

My own parents married in their late 20's and are still married 50-some years later. I've seen successful young marriages, beautiful late-in-life marriages, dynamic singles (both divorced and never married), and yes, Godly gay marriages. These are all beautiful things. I think folks should worry less about what might be the "right" answer for everyone else and figure out what God is leading them toward as the right answer for them.

As someone who married a little older (32) I appreciated Regnerus's article and will hold it in mind as I raise my own children. My parents supported and affirmed my decision to say "no" to a marriage proposal at 21 that I was not ready for and with a person with whom I was not well matched. I wouldn't have been ready for marriage before 24 but that was due to my personal makeup. And then no one came along who would have been a good mate for me until later.

I hope to prepare my own children to be content, wise, self-controlled and servant-hearted until they meet someone qualified to be their mate. Marriage at any age is difficult without wise mentors and those who prepare us for the ebb and flow of marriage and the realities that accompany a lifelong relationship. But before this article, I thought later marriage was better. Now I think I will be a little more open if my daughter (or son) brings someone home for inspection at 20.

Oof. Didn't expect to be so controversial. :) Apology accepted, thanks.

Since it was brought up, oddly enough we never had a 'honeymoon phase' of blissful ignorance. I was horribly sick and tired on our actual honeymoon, it turned out that I had severe mono. A few weeks later, my husband was laid off. And due to some unforseen health problems, we were unable to be physically intimate for basically the entire first year. That was one freakin' bad year.

But we're still here, and not because we're better or holier or wiser or more foolish than the next young couple. We just kept our word and passed some tests, nothing more. It shouldn't be perceived as a big deal.

I was 22 years old when I got married and my husband was 25. We both were mature enough to understand that if God was not the head of our marriage it wouldn't last. As we've grown together both in maturity and in years of marriage, I've grown to love him as the man he's become even more over the years. Now 21 years later our kids are off to college and we're empty nesters and loving it. We're still young enough to enjoy each other a great deal. When people are older there seems to be an urgency to get married for the sake of "running out of time," when this happens some of them find a mate who may not be compatible to them. At any rate, whether young or old, to have loving lasting marriage, God has to be the head of the family.

Van,

You're right. God must be head of the family. But perhaps that speaks of a bigger problem....teens and young adults not learning the lessons of maturity(based on Scripture, not culture) in their youth groups and singles groups IN COMMUNITY. Furthermore, I see too extremes: the secular culture glamorizes singleness, and the current church culture glamorizes marriage.

We both were mature enough to understand that if God was not the head of our marriage it wouldn't last.

I'm afraid you're remarkably immature -- or perhaps just uninformed -- if you really believe that the only people who have lasting marriages are those who worship your god. In fact, the majority of the world doesn't worship your god, yet tens of millions of these people have successful, long-term marriages and relationships.

Please look a bit past your nose to realize that the world is bigger and more interesting than your small black-and-white boxes.....

I have the extreme honor and privilage of working along side Molly and Byron in youth ministry at our church in Katy TX. And while I've never said it, they're one of the couples I look up to. Its neat watching them juggle life, kids, kids stuff, and ministry. I say they turned out ok despite any reservations LOL.
Oh and we sometimes don't quite get his sence of homor either. :)

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