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September 1, 2009Girl Dumps God
Carlene Bauer’s memoir recounts her de-conversion from Christianity for the literary set.
I wanted to love Not That Kind of Girl, a new memoir from “recovering evangelical” Carlene Bauer. On the surface, Bauer and I have a lot in common. We’re women who love the Bible, literature, and pop culture. We are aspiring writers who landed in publishing. She even grew up in the Philadelphia suburbs like me, entrenched in the evangelical subculture. And from early reviews, it was unclear just what, exactly, “recovering evangelical” meant. In the first chapter, Bauer describes her first encounter with the End Times, via a church basement screening of A Thief in the Night with her Christian classmates. At 8, her biggest fears suddenly included the government installing a bar code on her forehead or the back of her hand under a blood-red moon. She goes to bed at night earnestly whispering to God, “Could I live until I fell in love?”
This girl is me, I thought. I vividly remember telling my mom, myself at 8 years old, that I wanted to be excited for Jesus to come back, but if he could, it would be great if he could wait until I went to college, got married, and had a career and kids.
What critics are heralding as a “good-girl memoir” is actually a tragic story of faith, slowly and painfully lost. Bauer writes for a generation raised in the church of Dare to Discipline: “I sometimes wondered, sitting in church listening to ancient tales of obstinacy, if I had been born with original sin, because stealing and lying and saying mean things had never held an appeal.” For Bauer, faith comes easily at first, and even as she grows up and enters public school, she finds it easy to resist sex and alcohol.
But as her faith lingers during her college years at a Catholic university, belief in God feels like something she would shake off if she could only find the proper motive. Faith is a convenient foil to her introverted tendencies and dislike of the drunken parties and casual sex that consume her classmates. She secretly envies her friend Jane, who came to Christ in college, because it offers her a “platform for radical self-invention.”
Megan Hustad’s review for the Daily Beast identifies the conceit that makes Bauer's memoir one of interest for evangelicals:
[Bauer] aspires not only to be truly hip, she also wants to be taken seriously in New York’s snobbish literary scene. And she seeks to accomplish both of these goals while hanging on to her fervent faith in Jesus Christ. If life maneuvers received scores for technical difficulty, Bauer would be competing for gold.
I so wanted to see Bauer accomplish this Herculean task; Bauer writes for Salon, Elle, and The New York Times Magazine, and an accessible story of faith cultivated in such a world would surely impress the intellectual types that Bauer reveals in the book to be quite narrow-minded when it comes to Christianity. But it’s that balancing act — one that relegates faith to a “hanging on” — that undoes any progress I hoped this book might achieve.
Bauer finds glimmers of hope along her quest. She says of her college campus ministry, “It was true that the members believed in ice cream socials and acoustic guitars, and attended a church that believed in worship teams and met in a middle school auditorium. I’d had enough of these evangelical clichés. But many of the members had been raised Catholic before they turned to evangelical Christianity, which meant that their faith was serious but that they had not been steeped in the attitudes and vocabulary, which meant that I heard them speaking as people, not as Christians.”
Unfortunately, she can’t quite recapture this experience after graduating and moving to New York City. There she bounces from church to church, gradually letting go of her moral convictions in order to “experience life” in the way she’d desired at age 8, in whispered prayers. After a brief stint with the Catholic Church (selected primarily because, as the “church of Flannery O’Connor and Graham Greene and Walker Percy, it embraces literature, isn’t afraid of moderate intake of alcohol, and encourages social activism"), Bauer’s faith crumbles under the weight of her doubts and questions. Living through 9/11 as a resident of NYC presents an image of suffering she is unable to reconcile with God. “I’ve exhausted it all,” she says. “I’ve got nothing left to give him.” She desires certainty, but a philosophical ideal of truth — “Thinking you know anything makes it impossible to say that God is light” — leads her away from the church and its confident professions of faith.
What is ultimately missing from Bauer’s account is any sense of real community to support her amid her fleeting convictions. Roommates, friends, and love interests, Christian and non-Christian, come and go, and none is particularly memorable. Though Iris Murdoch's observation that “love is the extremely uncomfortable realization that something other than oneself is real” first led Bauer to the Catholic Church, we never see her live out the “uncomfortable” reality. “If I had to love someone the way I had to love God, I would have to leave,” she says, after she has already left God.
Bauer’s is a truly thoughtful de-conversion story, and that makes it particularly heartbreaking. She seems like the kind of person you could talk to over coffee for hours. Unfortunately, hers is an all-too-common story: disaffected with the church, capital C, she gives up on God. But while I expected to mourn a lost opportunity for that gold-medal move, this book provided a reminder that we can never expect or ask anyone to singularly represent our faith. That’s something we must do every day, as persons who aspire to show not just what kind of girls we are, but also what kind of God we serve.
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Comments
I think most Christians have had those "dark night of the soul" days, months, and sometimes years. Paul recorded in II Tim. 4:10 "...for Demas, having loved this present world, has deserted me..." And Jesus lost some of His disciples because of His teaching. In John 6:67 "...He looked at His 12 disciples and said, "You do not want to go away also, do you?" 68 Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. 69"We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God." Walking in the same manner as did Jesus is not easy, and it's not optional, and many have left the faith because they could not reconcile their conduct and beliefs. I hope she returns.
Posted By: Dan | September 2, 2009 11:31 AM
I have experienced great sorrow and great joy in my life. Unfortunately, it sounds like Bauer has not yet grappled with the purpose of pain. Until one really works through this issue, then every heartache is a challenge. This is truly fundamental because we all face hard things, and as Charles Spurgeon said, "Fair-weather faith is not faith at all."
Posted By: Kristie Jackson | September 2, 2009 2:23 PM
Bauer's respones is actually quite arrogant and empty minded, thinking that no one else with any intellectual ability has ever faced the same questions, thought about them and written about them. How can a person really think that "no one has ever walked this way before?" In addition, she practices reification and "makes up" a homogeneous church with static perspectives that has never really existed on this planet or any other in the last 50 years!
Posted By: Ken | September 2, 2009 4:12 PM
There are many Bauer on our church today. Maybe, near to you & they need encouragement & guidance. Discernment is the gift we need today. Godbless.
Posted By: andy padolina | September 2, 2009 11:16 PM
I don't understand people who don't struggle with God in this way. It's really not that easy to believe. That's where faith comes in.
Posted By: muse | September 3, 2009 8:42 AM
Excellent article!
Posted By: Stephanie Scott | September 3, 2009 12:30 PM
Wow...I really want to read this book. I am someone who struggles intensely with doubting and questioning. I have always said that people who walk away from their faith need tenderness and compassion. It is a painful decision to make. Perhaps, with kindness and grace, the walkers can be reclaimed.
Posted By: Lisa | September 3, 2009 12:55 PM
I'm a hairsbreath away myself from walking away, but for completely different reasons. I'll write my own memoir, maybe.
Posted By: Thomas Jefferson | September 3, 2009 5:54 PM
What is ultimately missing from Bauer’s account is any sense of real community to support her amid her fleeting convictions. Roommates, friends, and love interests, Christian and non-Christian, come and go, and none is particularly memorable.
This sentence jumped out at me because it reflects the distinct probability of a failure not on Bauer's part, but on the part of the church. I've experienced a similar lack of real community in a number of evangelical churches and ministries. The mark of the Christian should be the love of Christ, but we've too often forgetten or neglected to give that love hands and feet. I've come close to giving up on church myself at times and I can tell you this issue had everything to do with those times.
On a side note, why does CT put articles like this in the women's section, just because they're about a woman? They have a universal appeal and message. Same goes for the "marraige partnership" articles that always get put here. Do they really think we men aren't interested in marraige issues?
Posted By: John | September 4, 2009 12:35 PM
Feeling connected in the 21st century Christian community has been a struggle for me, also. A few years ago, a Christian physician commented to me, "Beth, you are surrounded by prayer." I was touched by that offering and I consciously began making more efforts, with God's help, to connect more with other Christians as opportunity presented. I then dreamed about a tiny blue spider surrounded by a fine blue web, and was told in the dream by someone I had reached out to and helped that I am that spider. I said, "Spider Woman!" God's love and energizing humor has helped focus my "calling" to better participate in Christ's church. May we better surround others --and hence ourselves-- with our prayers and caring.
Posted By: Beth Freidline | September 4, 2009 9:15 PM
I think that Bauer's story is sad but not unusual today. In the world today, for one thing, we have become a people who focus on "issues" rather than on Christ and His purposes in us and in our world. For another, the "church" has gotten a bad rap and many people feel that they can love God but their "own way," leading to all sorts of influences and ultimately the current post-modern spiritual eclecticism - pick a little of this from Christianity, a little of that from Buddhism, some of the other from Oprah, etc. We neglect the only standard of objective truth, which is the Bible, and after awhile, being castaways on an island which knows only a watered down, vague form of melted crayon truth, all the essentials are either forgotten or so mixed with every other set of beliefs that we don't know what we believe anymore, if anything. This is the very reason for the church as God planned and Christ heads it: to be a place for being reminded what we believe in the face of a world that doesn't have a clue about Christianity, a place in which to be encouraged, guided via discerning and experienced believers, strengthened, taught the basics and helped when things get difficult as they always do, a place that acts like a compass to show us the way to go and let us know, by its constancy, when we are going off on a tangent.
Many people feel that it's the "tangents" - or the journey (whichever way it ends up) that is the important part. Myself, when I fly somewhere, while I enjoy the view from the airplane, it is the landing at my specific destination that I look forward to. I appreciate the church which acts as navigator to keep me going in the direction I'm aiming at. Of course, churches vary. Some are more Biblical in their foundation than others. We need to look for the ones that are Biblical and keep us focused on Christ. More importantly, even, is walking in a daily, close relationship with Jesus. It's easy to go to church, even for years, and miss Him. Going to McDonald's doesn't make you a hamburger, as the late Keith Green said, and going to church alone doesn't guarantee one to be a Christian. The difference between other religions and Christianity is that Jesus is the founder of a relationship, not a religion. If we miss that, we've missed the boat and will easily be dragged away by all sorts of clever-sounding or cool ideas that are not grounded but will lead anyone aground.
Posted By: Jeanne | September 8, 2009 3:55 AM
Jeanne, I think that's a little too complicated.
Posted By: muse | September 9, 2009 9:48 AM
"I've got nothing left to give Him" ? Really? When He gave His all for Bauer? Come on! Who is this about Bauer or Christ Jesus?
Also, what is she "giving it up" for? Sin?
Giving up the church is far different than giving up faith in our Creator God.
Posted By: pete | September 9, 2009 2:58 PM
STRANGE HOW JESUS CHRIST DEMONSTRATES HIS "REAL POWER"! Ladies, I HAPPEN TO BE A MAN. A BLACK-AFRICAN AMERICAN, TO BE EXACT: not that that matters. But I found this web-sight only minutes away, AFTER I HAD DETERMINED THAT I DIDN'T CARE TO TEACH, PREACH, PROPHESY, etc. Probably because I feel it has taken THE LORD far too long to advance my life, and in particular my christian walk with any kind of REAL
TESTIMONY! This is because I've been thru many, many trials. SO. HERE IT IS. This woman MS. BAUER, IS HURTING.
JESUS KNOWS THIS. HE IS NOT JUDGING HER, NOT CORRECTING HER. NOT PUTTING HER DOWN. HE'S NOT EXAMINING HER FAITH, NOT PSYCHO-ANALYZING HER, OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT. WHAT CHRIST IS DOING IS OBSERVING TO SEE "WHICH ONE OF US OUTSIDERS" OUTSIDE THE WOMAN'S HEART AND LIFE, CAN DISCERN THE DEPTH OF HER DISQUST AND FRUSTRATION OF HER FAITH! JESUS KNOWS THE WOMAN IS STILL HURTING!! NOW WHEN PEOPLE IN CHRIST HAVE EXPERIENCED ENOUGH PAIN, LOSS, OR MISERY IN THEIR LIVES; IN CHRIST, PERHAPS THEY CAN BETTER RECOGNIZE PAIN AND SUFFERING WHEN THEY SEE IT! I KNOW, BECAUSE TRIALS SEEMS TO HAVE BECOME MY MAJOR IN CHRIST. BUT I KEEP RUNNHING INTO PEOPLE FROM STRANGE PLACES IN LIFE.....WHO NEED TO HEAR MY WORDS!
Posted By: RUDOLPH | September 17, 2009 12:48 AM
Pete,
You say 'it has taken the Lord far too long to advance my life'. I'm not sure what you mean here. I do agree that the Lord does allow trials to grow us, but you say you don't care to teach. It seems to me that's exactly what you're doing when the Lord puts hurting people in your path. You've got it right when you say that people that experience hurt can better recognize it in others. Can't you see that begins a powerful work and purpose for you in joining Christ where He is and providing the "flesh and blood" outworking of His love? I see clearly how He is advancing your life toward riches that cannot be corrupted, nor decay. Align your heart and mind and soul with your true purpose for this life, not necessarily your comfort here in this place that is not our home, and let Him use you for what He created you for. I pray for your peace.
Posted By: W. | May 15, 2010 9:49 AM
I'm sorry, my comments were for Rudolph, and yes I have and will continue to pray for all those who hurt in the Lord.
Posted By: W. | May 15, 2010 9:54 AM
Apparently Carlene Bauer is not "elect." Oh well.
Posted By: Jim731 | July 20, 2011 3:56 PM