Her.meneutics: It's a Not-So-Happy But Wonderful Life

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October 28, 2009

It's a Not-So-Happy But Wonderful Life

God doesn't call us to be happy.

Caryn Rivadeneira

A couple weekends ago, I took my kids to an historic farm run by our local forest preserve. The buildings there have been authentically restored, and the staff and volunteers roam the property in costume and in character to give visitors a pretty-close encounter to what it must’ve been like to live and work on a family farm at the turn of the last century.

So when one of the in-character volunteers stopped hammering the chicken-coop roof, stepped off his ladder, tugged up his suspenders, and asked if we had any questions, I wasn’t entirely surprised by his answer to my question.

I pointed to the fluffy black and white chickens racing behind their wire and asked, “What color eggs do they lay?”

“Dunno, ma’am,” he said. Then he smiled, betraying his character entirely. “Chickens are women’s work.”

As he continued on about how his “wife” had an egg-selling business so she could buy “pretty things” from Sears Roebuck, a weird stream of envy washed through me. Truth be told, this same weird stream trickles through whenever I read Edith Wharton or read or watch anything about times and places where gender roles were fixed, expectations rigid, and life (and death) somehow more certain.

This is weird, of course, because I’m a liberated woman. I call myself a feminist — unapologetically. And I have since I was a girl. I was born in 1972, the year Helen Reddy and her woman-roaring made the charts. My early childhood memories are of parents, teachers, and Brownie leaders telling me I could do and be anything.

I grew up aware of the doors being thrown open all around me, the ones I’d be able to skirt through more confidently than any other generation of women in human history. I stood under some ceilings as they shattered, and throughout my professional career, my writing life and my motherhood I have continued to push (with the Spirit behind me) on those doors and ceilings that have yet to budge.

All this to say, you’d think hearing such things like historical “women’s work” wouldn’t make me jealous but rather happy or relieved. And yet, not so.

Or perhaps you’d think that when I finally sat down to read the much-hyped study as reported in Time magazine’s “What Women Want Now,” I’d feel sad—or at least surprised to read this (also much-hyped) statement: “…as women have gained more freedom, more education and more economic power, they have become less happy.” But, alas, I am not.

Because while I am grateful and humbled to have the opportunities that being a woman in my generation affords—that I can “opt out” of full-time employment to be home with my kids and continue to run my own business, to edit other people’s words, and keep my name in bylines and book jackets—I’m not sure that happy is a word I’d throw around to describe myself. I’m not sure many of my friends—in similar juggles—would use it either. At least, if they were honest.

But that’s okay. It’s appropriate, actually. Because happy shouldn’t be the goal of our lives. The choices and freedoms and opportunities that women (at least in the U.S.) enjoy today shouldn’t be celebrated because they bring happiness, but because they allow us—finally!—to follow God’s calls on our lives more fully and freely.

My life is crazy. It’s exhausting. It’s confusing. It’s stressful. It’s difficult to navigate—because there are few maps for those of trekking this new(ish) frontier of womanhood. For these reasons, on my worst days, yes, I’m jealous of eras when my role would’ve been fixed. When I would’ve gotten married knowing that when my husband left the house at 4 a.m. to milk the cows, I’d get up to start breakfast for him and the farm hands. No balancing. No juggling. No constantly checking family calendars to make sure somebody would be home with the kids. No bitterness because I was the one who had to arrange childcare when we both had meetings.

Instead, I’d do my chores, gather the eggs, sell the pretty white ones for my own pretty things, while using the brown ones (I learned all this from the wife on the farm-house tour) for that breakfast. While it doesn’t seem great or fulfilling or what I’d be good at, it seems simpler. I’m not forgetting the zillion other non-simple stresses of this era (I probably would’ve died giving birth to my oldest son). But the lack of freedom and choice seem easy—at least mentally.

But just as God doesn’t call us to be happy, neither does he call us to easy. He asks us to follow him — and that’s what I, along with many of my Christian sisters, are trying to do with our freedoms, come happy or high water. I believe God ordained my crazy, hard-scrapping, confusing life. And I believe these freedoms we now enjoy are a gift—something we’ve been given, that much is expected of. While this may not always make us happy, there is a joy for us following Jesus just knowing he’s trekking with us in our crazy, frustrating, not-always happy, but often wonderful, lives.

Caryn Rivadeneira is a writer, editor, speaker and mom. She’s the author of Mama’s Got a Fake I.D.: How to Reveal the Real You Behind All That Mom (WaterBrook Press, 2009). Visit her at www.carynrivadeneira.com.

Comments

Caryn, I'm not sure if you are saying you think you might have been happier at the turn of the century because you would have gotten to raise chickens or because you would have had no choice? Excellent post, by the way. I always enjoy "reading you."

I find it easy to believe that the myth of the "simple" life would be alluring. But I suspect that the reality was neither simple nor happy. The false nostalgia for times past is just that. False. How do we know that women (in general) were happy 100 years ago? Do we have fancy-shmancy happiness studies from then? If women were so satisfied with their roles being dictated to them, why did they feel the need to change the world so that they had the choice to live differently? What about the women who were decidedly UNsatisfied--the ones who fought for the opportunity to attend college instead of raising chickens? Something similar could be said of African slavery, I suppose. Expectations, societies rules, were fixed. That doesn't mean it was good or just.

There is a comfort in being told what to do and how to do it. Things are fixed. You know the rules. It's "easy." But, as you said, God did not call us to "easy." And I suspect that dictatorship, even "benevolent" dictatorship, would chafe very, very quickly. It's somewhat of a disservice to the women and men who fought so long and hard for women to have rights to vote, own property, have custody of their children, enter legal agreements, own businesses, attend school, etc. to long for days when those things were denied to us. Some women may feel overwhelmed by the choices they have today, but I will take the ambiguity of choice (including the choice to raise chickens!) over fixed gender/race roles every day of the week.

As you said, the gift of freedom that women in the Western world experience today allows us to further the Kingdom of God in the various ways he has called us. Life is crazy, confusing, stressful, but also, joyful, wonderful, satisfying, and rewarding.

The black and white chickens lay brown eggs...

I thought the article was horrible and can't believe you can even claim Christianity while promoting such feminist propaganda and dogma---

It's not about my rights, my body, my choice as you would proclaim---It's about Christ and submitting to His will.

He has defined roles for men and women and we find much comfort and security when we do things His way (which is all laid out in the Bible)---Not our humanistic me-centered way.

Great article Caryn.

Those gender roles aren't so well-laid out in the Bible as people think. We're really reading about what the culture was during the Old Testament and the first centurey AD. Oh, if anyone wants to complain about the feminist movement, then please don't take advantage of the gains the feminists made such as voting, women owning property without a male co-signer, etc.

As for me, it's interesting reading about life in other times, but as a woman, I thank God that he put me in a time where as a woman I have the freedom to be all he designed me to be.

anna gable,
Submitting to God's will is exactly what Caryn is talking about. With the freedom available to women now have, we are free to follow God's will without other humans stopping or hindering that. As one going into the ordained ministry, I do not have an inherent "right" to be a pastor, but I do have a calling from God. And thankfully I live in a time when that call is recognized so that I can follow God's will for my life.
peace.

It is interesting to me, how many times each week my friends and I have conversations which are similar to your post. I think that there is a time during each day when I wish I didn't have decisions to make, errands to run, children to ferry about and that I could simply read, or pray or write. There are times each week, when I not only wax nostalgically for "simpler times" but wish I could trade places with the family dog. And yet, if I can just remember to give my cares up to God, I find that the clouds clear and may path seems easier. Each of us has a different path to follow. For some, professional life is the calling. For others, we are called to be mothers-at-home. For yet others, it is a mix of work and motherhood to which we are called. What I find most important is to accept the way God has given me, without judging the road he has set others on. I consider myself a feminist. Once upon a time, I had a challenging career. Today I am a full-time mom. Who knows what God has in store for my future. The road twists and turns and is full of blessings I could never imagine.

I am in my late 50's and I remember a time when as a young child I wanted to grow up to me a man. This was not a gender identitiy issue. As I looked around at the women in my life, I knew that was not for me. Their choices were so limited. Their status second-rate. I worked through many difficulties to find God's place for me. As a pastor, I have (what is for me) the best job in the world - one that was not available to me when I was young. We can be busy and stressed and still be joyfully praising God for the wonder of a life lived in the presence of the Holy - and so I am.

Great post, Caryn. All of us long for simplicity, and think that we'd find it in another era, setting, circumstance. True simplicity comes when we "seek first the kingdom of God"
I love having the opportunities I do for ministry and leadership. We have to work out our salvation with fear and trembling but it's an exciting adventure to follow Jesus.
also, note to Anna. Wow, I think the Bible "lays out" how we are to treat other people with love and respect. Name calling and disrespectful accusations like those you made simply undermine your credibility. I agree that we find comfort and security when doing things God's way, and that includes loving your neighbor.

You are definitely right about happiness not being our primary goal. In fact, I have been learning that a lot of things I thought were important to me are really farther down the ladder than I thought when I was in my 20s and 30s. One of the beauties of the myriad of choices available to us as women is that we can choose to live more simply - it's not easy, but it's possible. God calls us each to a place in life and a certain kind of work. (In my case, he changed that dramatically from working as a family physician to being a stay-at-home mom with chronic migraines.) Our job is to be obedient whenever and wherever we live. In obedience, we can find contentment and happiness.

I see conflict in the reasoning of this article. Caryn indicated that 100 years ago women didn't have to choose what they did each day; it was defined for them by their life on the farm. Her complaint was that today she can't go back to that because her life is defined by her 21st century demands. She wants to be free of the demands on her life so she can have her chores assigned to her. She admitted to bitterness when she was "expected" to find a sitter for the children. How is that different from being "expected" to look after the chickens, in terms of choice?

This isn't about choice and freedom; it's about our constant inner struggle as fallen (yet redeemed) human beings to always want what make us comfortable -- in any given time.

We can't blame our culture for our situation. We have choices and restrictions, just as women have always had. Perhaps some women make choices to stay home with their kids and others make choices to work. What prompts those choices are personal values which cannot be condemned by others -- they are simply our choices. But we make them and we can't blame our culture or the feminists for the fact that we have a job and an income.

One last word and then I'll quit: how can you possible believe that God would ordain for you to have a "crazy, hard-scrapping, confusing life"? Wherever in Scripture does God talk about designing craziness and confusion for our daily experience?

Thanks for your comments, everyone. Even those who thought it was horrible.

Anonymous, you are certainly right that I probably would've been bitter about the expectations of farm life for a woman. I most certainly would've been, actually. And I was trying to communicate my own inner-conflict with my reasoning and my emotions. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Because, as you point out, we are fallen.

Becacuse you share that view, I don't understand how you can't not think God would ordain a life for us that could be crazy, hard-scrapping or confusing. We've been told that in this world we'd have troubles of many kinds. We've been told that our days have been ordained (at least they were for David's. And his life was a crazy, hard-scrapping and confusing one if there ever was one. At least, that's the way he paints it. Throughout all of history we see God at work in the lives of people who've walked some dark and unclear paths--all to the Glory of God.

Oh, and where was I blaming the feminists for having a job and an income? I'm not blaming anyone. Just saying it's confusing at times. Just trying to be honest.

A bunch of us women went out for lunch the day after our 45th class reunion and they were talking about their previous jobs as "executive administrators." One of the women said, scornfully, "Executive administrator? THat's a glorified secretary. No one here ever did anything interesting except Maryann." There was a dead silence and I was very uncomfortable. My friend was not putting down their work, but rather pointing out that in our era, women became secretaries (later renamed "executive administrators" or something similar), teachers and nurses. All fine professions and I respect them. But my classmate was right: that was the order of the day, and that's what every one of them became, except me and my classmate who spoke up. I'm an internationally published journalist, still writing, and before her stroke, my classmate who spoke up wrote scripts for reality tv (yes, they are scripted). It was a sad time in the 60s with few options for women. We even had a weird style of girls basketball: a limited number of dribbles and guards were not permitted past the center line while forwards were on the other side of the line with the other team's guards. So even basketball had defining roles: you either guarded, or you tried to shoot baskets and you literally couldn't cross the line to do the other. I don't long for any good old days, at all. My husband, a professional who works a lot while I stay at home in my home office, vacuums the house and I take care of the finances because that's what we do best. I cook, he loads and unloads the dishwasher. He takes care of our half acre because I hate yardwork and I select all of our vehicles because he isn't interested and trusts my judgement (last car I bought, I took him to the dealer's the evening before and showed him what we were getting; he said, "good choice. I like it. Thanks.") I research paint products, talk to the salespeople and make the purchase and he puts the paint on the ceiling and the big parts of the walls and I do the tedious trim work. He makes a pretty good breakfast on the weekend, and I like to assemble the "assembly required" furniture, which he hates to do. So, yes, we have clearly defined roles. He does what he does best and likes best, and I do the same. We share the stuff neither of us likes, and also the stuff that both of us like. And that's how we like it.

If we truly submit to God's will then we will be happy, so that means 'God DOES call us to be happy', right?...

May I call all of you sisters in Christ?
Good discussion.Good dialogue.
Caryn was honest in her expression and so was Anna.

I am a professional too (Executive Nurse).I have never
called myself a feminist.I am liberated by Christ and
not by feminists.

Yes,If we follow Christ and do His will we will experience
happiness.....and of course joy too.

Like Caryn and Anna,I was honest in my expression.

Shanell - I disagree with your premise that submitting to God's will will make us happy. My Bible tells many, many tales of men and women who followed God's call but a fleeting emotion of happiness was not one of their defining characteristics.

Caryn - thank you for this post. I appreciate your honesty and candor. Your words greatly resonated with me and the conversations that I regularly have within my circle of friends. The "freedoms" that we have as women today are at times overwhelming. I, too, consider myself a feminist yet there are days I find myself longing for the simplicity that clearly defined roles and expectations afford. Keep striving, keep struggling. It is in the wresting that we are the the closest and most intimately it-wined with our God.