Hermenuetics

Comments

I recently tried to set up my daughter's teacher on a blind date. You ask, "Why do I do what I do?" Well, for your information, when I was your age, 23, I was miserable. 23 was the worst year of my life. I was all alone, fresh out of graduate school in a large city. I got pneumonia, broke my foot, my Mom died all in that year. No one bothered to do anything for me. I remember how miserable I was, and I will do my best, now that I am married, to try and see that another young girl at least has a chance to meet someone. I have vowed to treat the young people in my life better than I was treated.

Posted By: Lisa | December 31, 2009 8:31 PM

You know, at your age I didn't appreciate the meddling either, but 5 years older, and the best relationships and friendships I can point to have often developed out of introductions and - sometimes - "meddling." As you get older, some of the best ways to meet guys are through people who know them and can vouch for their character as well. Some of these women might be trying to "live vicariously," but often they are simply being sympathetic to what they perceive to be an emptiness in your life and trying to help. If you don't like it, a simple "no thank you" is sufficient. I hope no one sees your article and thinks it reflects the thinking of all single girls. Some of us appreciate the social efforts and outgoing spirits of those around us - and believe you can never know too many people, even if you don't want to date them!

Posted By: Rachel | January 1, 2010 11:06 PM

Read Julia Duin's book,"Quitting Church" and in particular Chapter 5 that deals with singles. The mind set of the church is that it is very difficult to meet some one after you graduate from college. And if you are not married by then, both guys and gals are assumed to be "called to a life of singleness." The church then actively works to keep both guys and gals single and plays "mind" games when they seek prayer regarding their singleness. Probably, the worst place for a single (in their late 20's)is in church. Singles need to wake up and vote with their feet.

Posted By: Jim | January 2, 2010 9:42 AM

I agree that a lot of people in the Evangelical tradition don't see singleness as a legitimate option. That attitude drives me nuts.

However, I think the yentas might just be trying to share their happiness. I never set people up (I don't have the matchmaking skill and I know it!), but I sometimes wish that some of my single friends who actually WANT relationships could be blessed with one as wonderful as I have. I would never say that to them because I believe it would come out sounding condescending rather than kind and caring, but may the yentas spring into action in order to help these people find love.

I agree though, most of them end up only exasperating the person!

Posted By: Sara | January 3, 2010 2:00 AM

Jim I agree with your observation about singles groups. I am an alumni of such groups after attending them for a number of years. I often perceived that they were looked on as 'special education programs' for people who were just couldn't get it right. Some of the darkest years of my life where spent in groups like that.

Posted By: Basil | January 3, 2010 12:05 PM

While I understand the frustration, and having just recently been the at the recieving end of a Yenta's match that seemed promising but ended up crashing and burning, I think these women mean well. 23 is pretty young to be frustrated, think of being 35 and in the same boat!

I think Christ was aware of what it felt like to be not quite doing what others thought he should. "Why isn't he at home with his mother? Why can't he just settle down? What is it with all this Messiah talk?" Imagine? I think it's just best to subscribe good motives and not become frustrated, we live our lives before Christ.

The church catches flack all the time, "It's too much like the culture, it isn't like the culture enough." Sometimes, I've just got to say "It's my hang up" and not blame the church or singles groups or the well meaning people in my life. I have an issue, I have to deal with it. I can't control people, just my response to them.
You know?

I find that comfort and peace with my life situation comes in phases, sometimes its easier than others, but God is with me regardless and that's the important thing.

Posted By: Jaz | January 3, 2010 9:13 PM

Why play the yenta? Because marriages--if people want them--are socially generated and achieved. They don't just happen. For someone to say they don't want anybody's help is generally untrue, on average. They don't want certain people's help. Introductions from friends, however, function the same way (and they're more trusted). The yentas are just more intentional. I can't speak to their living vicariously; it's possible, I suppose. Sometimes, however, a person is simply aware that X wishes to marry someday and Y wishes the same, and they don't know each other, and they might fit well...why not make the introduction?

Posted By: Mark | January 4, 2010 4:29 PM

Rachel Shields happened to look yesterday in The Independent of January 3, 2010 at a boom time for matchmaking. The researcher Mintel estimates online dating was worth US$150 mio.in 2009 up 20% from 2008. Elite agencies charge members up to US$ 10,000. An agency hoping to attract 18,000 new members this year claims to have matched 200 marriages during 4 years and never heard of divorce.
My mother was a devout Catholic. 20 years after her demise strangers hearing my name introduce themselves with "Bless your mom for bringing us together." and proceed to proudly produce pictures of their children.
A German daily I served as California correspondent called online dating agencies internet procurers. Pray for singles desperate enough to rely on dubious matchmakers.

Posted By: E. Paul Imhof | January 4, 2010 5:36 PM

Stephanie, you are dead wrong. Now that you are 23 years old and a college graduate, your next priority in life is to get married and have children. You should stop living selfishly and begin to assume adult responsibilities. Next time when another Christian, out of love, introduces you to a match, give him full consideration and ensure that you seriously go out on a date at least once. Do not reject any single Christian man unless he has been given adequate chances to demonstrate how suitable he is for you as a lifelong mate.

Posted By: James | January 4, 2010 11:42 PM

You're only 23! Your next priority in life is to live out the calling to which you have been called: serving the kingdom of God in whatever capacity he has gifted you! Being single gives you freedom that married w/kids people simply don't have. You can go anywhere, do anything! How exciting!

If God has in mind a spouse for you, he will bring you together. Possibly through an introduction from a friend or family member (my mom introduced me to my husband), but maybe not. I do agree with you, Stephanie, about church singles groups. When I was a 20-something single person, they rated right up there with the gym on the meat-market scale, and I avoided them. Best of luck in all your adventures!

Posted By: Robyn | January 5, 2010 10:17 AM

I have to say that the best way to escape the feeling of pressure was to move into the city. Maybe living in bedroom suburbs in the most conservative county in the country is one of the issues here!

Posted By: Three East | January 5, 2010 11:13 PM

Jim and Basil - I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels that way about singles groups. They're good for 20-somethings or for senior citizens. For other age groups, though, not good. I don't know of one that attracts normal people. The type of man I'm looking for certainly wouldn't go to my church's group.

Stephanie - your top priority now is to seek God's will for your life and to do whatever it is he's telling you to do. Good luck!

Posted By: K. | January 6, 2010 12:01 AM

Initially parents used to find the perfect match for their daughters and now the days are gone when this used to happens, now girls themselves find the matches for them loosening the burden from the heads of their parents. A similar version is held every year in Los Angeles, but that one is sponsored by The Guardians Of The Los Angeles Jewish Home For The Aging. If that doesn't make you want to party.

Posted By: r4 | January 6, 2010 1:53 AM

I read your blog post (and the subsequent comments) with great sympathy. I was in the same position as you at that age. In general, the search for a mate gets increasingly difficult after college. Furthermore, there is a disproportionately lower number of single men in the church versus single women. That may be one motive for the "yentas" in your life; they're just trying to make it easier for you. However, my experiences with these women (and even some men) were especially frustrating because they made no other efforts to relate to me besides trying to pair me off.

To wonder if these women are busybodies (and it's not unreasonable to think that some of them are) you would have to ask yourself if they have at least tried to develop a relationship with you first. Have they gotten to know you, care for you, and pray for you in other areas of your life? Otherwise, how can you trust them to find you a match when they don't even know you? Evangelicals have a dubious history of marginalizing those that don't fit prescribed notions of Christianity (whether or not these notions are backed up with scripture). I also believe the evangelicals have idolized marriage and have stressed certain scriptural passages over others to justify their obsession. But God alone is the Author and Finisher. We are not defined by our jobs, our spouses (or lack thereof), our fellow church members, or even ourselves. These are merely the mediums through which we see God at work in our lives. The definition of who we are belongs with God. He has the final say. May God bless and keep you in all your endeavors!

Posted By: Tillie | January 6, 2010 10:11 AM

How about you take that lemon out of your mouth and examine YOUR attitude.

If you feel called to be single, then be single. If not, then you may want to lighten up and realize they mean you to be happy and share life with someone. Geez, these younger generations are really messed up in my opinion.

Posted By: Anastasia | January 6, 2010 3:21 PM

I'm a 31 year old year woman who is not married and has suffered through a lot of match-making attempts. I appreciate that people love me and care about my well being. We live in a culture where "getting together" is expected to happen under our own initiative and singles often need some outside help to make good choices.

But I think the greater problem in evangelical culture is that we don't understand the significance of singleness well enough to respect and honor singles for the vital roles they play in the kingdom. Comments like James's, that place the priority on marriage, go contrary to the basic calling of believers to pursue Jesus first. This is Paul's teaching in I Corinthians 7. He says it can be good for you not to marry because you can commit to the work of Christ and his kingdom with an undivided heart. Laura Smit has an excellent study of this passage of Scripture in her book "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." She places the priority on living as a faithful follower of Jesus and only marrying if it the partnership will strengthen your ability to live out your kingdom calling.

Not everyone can or should be married. As a single woman I have taken far greater risks for the sake of the kingdom than I would have if I were married. I have been challenged to be less selfish and less secure in order to be more faithful and more reliant on God. I wish that more of my brothers and sisters in church would recognize they way God has and continues to sustain me and call me to himself through my singleness and stop being preoccupied with my lack of a husband. Their obsession with my singleness over every other detail of my life makes me feel more lonely and misunderstood than being single ever could.

Posted By: Elizabeth | January 6, 2010 10:02 PM

Ten years ago, my nominally Christian brother was involved in what my parents considered an "unsuitable" romance with a woman who was several years older than himself, and had been wretchedly divorced by her husband for her inability to bear him a child. My mother in particular went into hysteria mode, and effectively broke the relationship up.

Around this time, a young cousin married and, in the flush of newly-wed bliss, arranged for my brother to go on a date with her best friend and bridesmaid, a nice young virgin from an impeccable background. Egged on by my mother, they were engaged within six weeks and married eighteen months later. The marriage was a disaster from the honeymoon, and ended eight years later with an acrimonious divorce that financially and emotionally crippled both parties, caused three nervous breakdowns in the immediate family, and caused financial damage which our extended family is probably never going to recover from.

Ironically, in the midst of everything when my father was hospitalised, he received a visit from my brother's original girlfriend, who happened to be calling on another patient. She had put her life back together, and he remarked sadly what a nice woman she was, and how my brother's own choice, in retrospect, may have been a better one than that pushed on him by well-meaning family members. We'll never know that, of course. It might have been a failure too, but at least he would have chosen his own disaster.

As for the match-making cousin, distressed, mortified and crushed between the twin millstones of family and friendship, she kept a very low profile through the entire business.
Like most matchmakers, she was motivated by the hope of making two people happy. Instead, she facilitated a great deal of unhappiness, and I doubt very much she will ever do it again.

Posted By: Jane | January 6, 2010 11:48 PM

And your point is, Jane? That no one should ever try to matchmake because it might end up "facilitating unhappiness?" If your brother was weak enough to let someone else decide for him who he should be in a relationship with, well, that was his problem. I'm going to keep on doing just as I've been doing, thank you very much.

Posted By: Lisa | January 7, 2010 12:51 AM

I'd like to give you another perspective. I'm 39 and single, a career woman who never wanted a career. I didn't meet Mr. Right at my christian college, either. I also didn't care much at your age, but I didn't get any pressure. Oddly enough, there are no yentas in my church. My church doesn't have a singles group, nor do they want one. As a result, there have been few opportunities for meeting single Christian men since then.

Sad thing is, there is a very narrow window for women to be considered attractive for marriage. Late 20s...you still have a chance to find someone. Late 30s? There must be something wrong with you or you'd be married by now. A 39-year-old virgin...that's a joke, right? The odds against my finding someone seem longer all the time, and I doubt I'll ever get to have kids. I'm so lonely I feel like I'm slowly dying inside.

In short, be glad you have yentas in your life. There are far worse things to endure than sisters in Christ who want to help you find a husband. When you're ready, let them help you, but do not wait too long.

Posted By: MerryKate | January 7, 2010 2:25 AM

"And your point is, Jane? That no one should ever try to matchmake because it might end up "facilitating unhappiness?" If your brother was weak enough to let someone else decide for him who he should be in a relationship with, well, that was his problem. I'm going to keep on doing just as I've been doing, thank you very much."

That's good stuff. I like the idea of grabbing a person's arms, slapping them in the face with their own hands, and shouting "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" until they actually defend themselves. If that isn't lovingkindness, I don't know what is. If I have a special connection with God that tells me so-and-so needs to get a human meal ticket, I'd better find them a hubby or die trying. Or kill them trying. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Or something like that.

Posted By: Eva | January 7, 2010 3:45 PM

MerryKate, you are a wise lady indeed. I hope more young Christian women will listen to your excellent advice.

Posted By: Che | January 7, 2010 4:24 PM

thank you, elizabeth, for bringing Scripture's teaching on singleness into this discussion. i appreciate you using the term "calling." it seems that many of us here want all young people to accept the yenta's advice. however, if we pay attention to the possibility of God calling some of us to singleness, suddenly there's a place for some Christians to break out of the marriage mold (perhaps it's important to remember that, compared to Judaism, celibacy is a Christian distinctive). what we need is sensitivity to God's calling; not the abolition of matchmaking, not rude remarks about young people who aren't getting married (were Jesus and Paul silly, arrogant young people?), but a recognition of the legitimacy of singleness.

Posted By: traber 2 | January 7, 2010 5:30 PM

You know, the internet is not really the best method for communication because one cannot see the person with whom you are communicating. You cannot see gestures or tone of voice. All you can see is words.
Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure seemed to me like one of the above posters was trying to blame a "matchmaker" for the failure of an eight year marriage. A marriage that was allegedly preceded by an 18 month courtship. If that is truly what the previous poster meant, then that's got to be one of the most outrageous things I've read in a long time. Anyone who is married knows that once you go before the minister and recite your vows, both parties are responsible before God for the conduct of their marriage from that point forward. There was an 18 month courtship. There was an eight year marriage. Personal responsibility, anyone?
For your information, I don't find meal tickets for people. On certain rare occasions I introduce single adults to other single adults. A person who does not have the courage of his or her convictions and who cannot stand up to parental pressure or take responsibility for the conduct of his or her relationship is not a mature adult as far as I'm concerned, and I would never offer to assist such a person. And if saying that makes me an unkind and unloving person, then so be it.

Posted By: Lisa | January 7, 2010 6:36 PM

Anastasia, Stephanie is a WRITER. Her job in this article is to get your attention, provide a perspective, and get people to think. Take it with a grain of salt. And by the way, our generation might be messed up, but who do you think we learn it from?

And, Stephanie, you SHOULD feel like you're an old maid. What kind of Evangelical Christian are you...23 and STILL single??? How selfish of you. As your first step out of this selfish, single lifestyle, you should accept the match that I am LOVINGLY about to give you. His name is James. Do not reject him until you have given him adequate chances to demonstrate how suitable he is for you as a lifelong mate.

Posted By: Ping | January 7, 2010 9:06 PM

Think of the holy annoyance that some stay-at-home Christian Moms express when some radical feminists try to convince them that true fulfillment lies with a career outside the home. Isn't it exasperating to have to explain that you ARE fulfilled by being a full-time Mom? Doesn't it feel like your choice is being insulted, that your whole self is being demeaned when a radical feminist asks how you could possibly "just" be a Mom?

That's exactly how some single Christian women feel when persistent yentas express "sympath[y] to what they perceive to be an emptiness in your life" or that you should "realize they mean you to be happy and share life with someone." Lisa's irritated and-the-poor-girl-had-darn-well-be-appreciative approach is more of the same. Whether it is intended or not, that just comes off as a condescending judgment on the choices someone makes in life, or on the choices God has made for someone's life, and is no more pleasant coming from "well-meaning" Christians than it is coming from equally well-meaning radical feminists.

Of course introductions can sometimes be a good thing, but, good heavens, the veiled judgment that goes along with some of them can be enough to send a girl running off to the nunnery. And when it comes from men like James, who has posted several times in the same vein chastising women about their "duty" to consider him as a mate, the only response it elicits is "not if you were the last man on the planet."

Robyn is exactly right, Stephanie: "Your next priority in life is to live out the calling to which you have been called: serving the kingdom of God in whatever capacity he has gifted you!"

Posted By: Christian Lawyer | January 8, 2010 8:57 AM

Christian Lawyer, I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about. Where exactly did I say what you claim I have said? I am not a "yenta" in the sense of this article. I do not go around prying into the private lives of the singles around me and trying to match them up to whoever is available, if that's what you thought I meant. I objected to one thing, and one thing only, the idea that a "matchmaker" is to blame for the failure of an entire relationship. If someone introduces you, and you go out with them and don't think they will suit you, then don't go out with them again. Or, if you aren't interested in dating at all, then say "No thank you, I don't want to date anyone right now." But the idea that the person who introduces two people to each other is somehow responsible for everything that happens afterwards is absolutely ridiculous. Again, if that is what the original poster meant, that the "matchmaker" is somehow at fault for the miserable end of the marriage in question, then I stand by my statement. The original poster is free to clarify her statement if she wishes. I'm not irritated, just bewildered at the attitude of some Evangelical Christians. I introduce people I know, and who my husband knows, only people who have made it clear to us they wish our help. I was single into my late thirties, so believe me, I would never try to make someone feel like they were somehow inferior just because they were single. However, I believe that introducing people who have made it known that they wish to meet someone is a good thing, and I don't like to see it attacked, or condemned. Those people who are so in love with the idea of the "Gift of Singleness" (and it is easy to spot them) I would never lift a finger to help them or even ask, because I am well aware of how they feel. Hope this clarifies the situation.

Posted By: Lisa | January 8, 2010 12:12 PM

Oh, and I don't really care how many radical feminists tell me that I should be working outside the home instead of caring for my elderly parents and raising my children. They can rant all they want, and it doesn't make me feel somehow demeaned, because I have the courage of my convictions, and I believe that I am living the life that I am meant to live. If the "Gift of Singleness" is really true, and single Christians are serving God and bringing Him glory in their lives, then why does it matter if someone else thinks they ought to be married? If they are truly doing what God wants them to do, (and I don't say they aren't) then they are pleasing the One person who truly, truly, matters :) and they should be happy and have great confidence in themselves and in their choice. So why get upset and insist that people are somehow demeaning them, when our culture has always been geared towards marriage as the norm? Not saying it's right the way many people treat singles, but if God Almighty is on your side--Who cares?

Posted By: Lisa | January 8, 2010 1:08 PM

In my early 20's there was an abundance of singles of both genders, but I'm in my 40's, and I would prefer to be introduced to a man through someone who know us, than do the electronic route. People assume singles my age may not be interested in meeting someone, but for many of us, that's not the case. If I'm looking for a job or place to live, people in the body happily help out, why should something this important be left to a computer? I agree there should be some communication with a single about what type of person they're looking for. Christian single of the opposite sex isn't good enough. I welcome a friend, coworker or family member's offer to introduce me to a man.

Posted By: K-Sue | January 8, 2010 7:26 PM

Consider this: a young woman attends and graduates from a great college, obtains a great job, is independent, makes good money, contributes to society at large, is mission-minded, values her time with family and friends, volunteers at her church; however, to some that's not good enough. What kind of satisfying life is that? The odd focus of some who think this woman is to be pitied and "helped" in finding someone who MUST be as "lost" as her is nothing more than: "OK as a 'real' woman she needs to refocus her life...she needs to be as MISERABLE as the rest of us are." Nothing more than jealousy and envy towards a nice young single woman trying to make her way in life. These other ladies missed the boat and are left at the dock with only a Mickey Mouse float. They need to add to their numbers. One more lady who was "different" but now is just like them!! Yippeee!!

Posted By: Janet | January 8, 2010 8:26 PM

Lisa, yes, it's clear you don't know what I'm talking about, which is a pity, since your first post ("Well, for your information..."), the one to which I was responding, with its irritated, pity-the-poor-girl attitude, is a prime example of the problem Stephanie, the CT author was talking about.
Your subsequent references -- "Those people who are so in love with the idea of the 'Gift of Singleness' (and it is easy to spot them) I would never lift a finger to help them or even ask" or "If the 'Gift of Singleness' is really true," -- merely re-demonstrate both the judgmentalism and the irritation.

I'm sorry you were miserable and desperate when you were 23. Many, if not most, single women I know, are not, and the efforts of the "yentas" like you to "help" is exasperating. You're right, no one really cares what the yentas THINK. They do, however, care what the yentas DO, which can be really both annoying and counter-productive. I didn't hear Stephanie saying she was upset. I heard her asking to be treated like a whole person, not like an appendage needing surgical attachment.

Life in Christ is a journey, not a status. Being married, or being single, are two of the many possibilities that God may have for a person at any given time in their lives. Being married or single are just two of the possibilities that a person may choose for themselves at any given time in their lives. Being married or single may be a cause for celebration or despair, or maybe each at different times. But, nowhere in the Bible is marriage held up as the prime goal of every person, or the most important thing in a person's life. Indeed, Paul appears to take the opposite approach.

BTW, re the dispute over responsibility for the failed match, I agree that some personal responsibility is in order for the young man, but, for the community to exert concerted and overwhelming pressure on a young person to conform to the community's idea of marriage, and then, when the match fails, to berate the young man as a wimp for sucumbing to that very pressure is, well, quite rich.

Posted By: Christian Lawyer | January 9, 2010 1:47 PM

"then, when the match fails, to berate the young man as a wimp for succombing to that very pressure is, quite rich."
Christian lawyer, I wasn't the one pressuring the man to get married. I said in my post that I only introduce people who want my help.
Christian lawyer, you misrepresent me. I was not desperate when I was 23. My mother had died, and I was ill, but I was not desperate. I have volunteered to care for the homeless, traveled to a foreign country to care for orphans, and became an advocate for abused and neglected children. I tried my best to redeem my time and serve my Lord as best I could.
Spare me the lectures, because I've heard it all before.
I'm going to quit this posting now, because it is turning into a big waste of time for me. My only advice for singles, coming from someone who, with her husband, has cared for two sets of elderly parents for nearly a decade, is: find someone much younger than you who really loves you alot to care for you when you get old. Old age is not pretty. This is from someone who has dealt with multiple parents with dementia, Parkinsons, heart failure, kidney failure, broken bones due to osteoporosis, someone who has dealt with oxygen tanks, and the administration of tons of different medications. When you are old, if you get dementia or become so frail that you can't go to the bathroom by yourself, you will need someone to fight for you. 99.9% of the time it is your children who step up. In all the years I've cared for our parents, I've never seen anybody's niece or nephew care for someone on a long term basis. When the going gets tough, most everyone bugs out--except the children. Now you will all hate me for frightening you, but I'm simply telling you the truth.

Posted By: Lisa | January 9, 2010 7:27 PM

I don't understand why the topic of singleness and marriage is such a topic that causes believers to call names. I'm speaking as an individual single woman in her 40's, and someone who has always wanted to be a wife and mom. This is my own longing, and if another woman feels called, or chooses to remain single, that is not selfishness (show me in scripture where that is written). However, as a single, I have felt considerable lack of support from those in the church, to the point I don't want to even share my feelings on it. Fortunately, there are some close friends who have been praying with and for me through the years, and I do believe God has marriage for me - I just don't know when. In the meantime, my life is not a waste! It's full, challenging, interesting, and I have opportunities I can take advantage of that I would not have if married. I just don't think it has to be a topic of finger-wagging. Wanting to be married doesn't mean lack of contentment, and not wanting marriage doesn't mean selfishness. We're supposed to walk with each other through the events and circumstances of life. If someone offers to fix you up, and that doesn't sound like something you want, politely say "no thank you".

Posted By: K-Sue | January 9, 2010 7:57 PM

Stephanie, if you don't want a husband, step aside. Because there's a lot of Christian women who could use the help and are grateful for it. As a 53-year-old woman who never married and very much wanted to, I so wish a "yenta" had taken an interest in my welfare when I was in my 20s and 30s.
You might want to change your attitude towards matchmakers and realize that maybe they see 10 years into the future when your fertility is dropping like a stone, your sex drive is on overdrive (with nowhere to park it if you're obedient to Scripture and therefore abstinent) and the percentage of available, normal Christian men is in the single digits.

Posted By: Julia Duin | January 10, 2010 9:34 PM

Interesting how most of the nasty comments come from the married women, isn't it? For your information, not all of us consider walking behind a man and popping out babies to be the greatest purpose in life. I didn't spend seven years in college getting two degrees with that as the ultimate goal of life. Just to add some Biblical perspective, try reading I Corinthians 7, one of the most overloocked passages in the Bible regarding marriage and singleness.

Posted By: Jennifer | January 11, 2010 2:25 AM

Here's another Biblical perspective

Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it; except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.
Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalm 127.

Posted By: Psalm lover | January 11, 2010 8:49 AM

"Stephanie, you are dead wrong. Now that you are 23 years old and a college graduate, your next priority in life is to get married and have children. You should stop living selfishly and begin to assume adult responsibilities. Next time when another Christian, out of love, introduces you to a match, give him full consideration and ensure that you seriously go out on a date at least once. Do not reject any single Christian man unless he has been given adequate chances to demonstrate how suitable he is for you as a lifelong mate."

Stephanie is NOT dead wrong. Wasn't the Apostle Paul single?

Posted By: Lydia | January 11, 2010 5:22 PM

Well, I'm a long way from 23...try multiplying that times two and then adding ten. I said good-bye to my mother about a year-and-a-half ago, after being intensively involved in her care since 1997...and less intensively since my father died in 1978. I also am guardian for a disabled brother, who lives with me, and a disabled uncle, who is in a CBRF. Though I have never married, I don't think I have been living "selfishly."

Other than my pastor, who is insistent that I will still marry someday, the only time family tried to set me up was about 25 years ago. It was right after my two much older brothers learned that I could cook...quite well, if I may blow my own horn. Their plan was that I would spend about a week baking and then they would rent a table at the mall and I would hold a one-woman bake sale and give away cards indicating I was single and containing my phone number.

Perhaps, because I am not considered "attractive" by our culture's standards, I have not been bothered by friends and family trying to get me married off. Even as a child, my father told me, "It's a good thing you're smart and will be able to take care of yourself, because it's not likely anyone will want to marry you."

Yes, I went through a few years in my late twenties when I desired marriage, but those passed and I am content to be single. I have work and family and church to keep me occupied. Although I've been through a few churches that don't know what to do with an older single, my present church is supportive. I am content with the way things are.

Still...it would be nice to have someone change the oil in my car and fix the broken light in my kitchen...

Posted By: Kathy | January 11, 2010 8:18 PM

"But I have never felt pressure regarding my
singleness from my extended family, which is by and
large not evangelical, or the culture at large. I
don’t think this is necessarily because American
culture is anti-family, but because it embraces
singleness as a valid way to live"

Well, that's because the American culture also embraces having sex without marriage. It would be easy to stay single if you had a partner/lover. The Christian community is more in a hurry because of sexual purity. As a Christian who went through a difficult divorce and is unsure of remarriage but still wants the love/intimacy, it is a difficult position to be in, and sometimes I wish God's "rules" were different.

Posted By: Jabeen | January 12, 2010 1:18 PM

Gosh, from the tone of some of these comments you would think that Stephanie had denied the incarnation or the Trinity or something like that. In my mind, many of these comments reinforce is how right Stephanie is. Rather than admitting that singleness is experienced differently by different women and men, of different ages and different generations, many of these comments seem to imply that singleness is an unambiguous bad. These "yentas" may be simply responding to that unstated assumption. The balanced view, and one which seems to me almost impervious to argumentation, is that singleness is something experienced as a season for all, a problem for many, and an authentic lifelong calling for a few. We do not help each other when we assume which category an person falls into.

Another assumption that appears in the comments is that Christian men (and now women too?) are unable to resist the pressures of their culture to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. Certainly this seems to be a challenge to singles in a promiscuous culture. But behind the assumption that marriage will "solve" this problem lies the idea that the temptations of singleness are much more spiritually deadly than the temptations of marriage. Do we dare say that the spouse who takes his wife or her husband for granted is spiritually superior to the young couple who misunderstand the place of sexuality before marriage but who genuinely sacrifice for each other? (Such young adult couples do exist, I've seen them.) I think many people end up implicitly saying as much, whenever they assume that marriage is an automatically better condition than singleness in a person's life.

Posted By: Thomas | January 12, 2010 3:51 PM

These are just ugly, ugly posts. Try reading the article posts on USA Today and then reading our posts here, and you can see why the world views believers as they do. This behavior is a barrier to people coming to the Lord. If we bicker and snap at each other, why would anyone want to join the family. As women, we need to stop with all this treatment of each other. We have the gift of words, and we're not using them well. The Bible has many things to say about marriage and singleness, bearing children and spiritual children. If we don't quit this behavior, these posts will drag on forever.

Posted By: K-Sue | January 12, 2010 9:31 PM

K-Sue is 100% right about the ugly comments here, and unfortunately, these seem typical for her.menutics. That's why I tend to avoid this blog. We've all got different opinions, and that's okay. It's fine for Christians to disagree on the non-salvation issues, but we've got to learn to disagree respectfully. They'll know we are Christians by our love for each other.

Posted By: K. | January 12, 2010 10:46 PM

K-Sue, you are absolutely right. I apologize to anyone who was offended by the tone of any of my posts.

Posted By: Lisa | January 12, 2010 11:01 PM

K.

You state, "It's fine for Christians to disagree on the non-salvation issues." Please keep in mind that not everyone who posts a comment is posting from the Christian perspective or attitude. However, your suggestion to disagree respectfully is a good one.

BJ
Christianity Today
Community Manager

Posted By: bj | January 13, 2010 11:36 AM

As a friend of Stephanie for the past decade, it's slightly humorous yet mostly offensive to read the majority of these posts. I'm 23, recently married and am a Christian. What troubles me is the fact that so many people are apt to infer characteristics (many of which are incredibly wrong) of Stephanie, rather than looking at ourselves within the Evangelical culture and American society, and how WE treat singles. Why do we feel the need to force our ideals on others when it's unasked and then act defensively when it's unwanted? Stephanie and each person in the Church has her or his own calling, which may include finding happiness as a single or married person, but more importantly loving God and our neighbor. Why should we married women force our own calling upon someone else who has their own calling? And why should we get defensive when it's rejected?

Posted By: SPQR | January 13, 2010 6:27 PM

I married at 35, after meeting my husband on a missions trip. I thought it would take a miracle for someone to ask me out since I take care of two disabled siblings, who live with me and who require a lot of my time and energy. My husband is 7 years younger and when he first asked me out I didn't want to accept because of the age gap and because I thought I knew what I wanted (and needed). However, I'm glad my pastor and the YENTAS in my life encouraged me to give him a chance because today I'm happily married to an amazing man.
About the article, I do believe it is good to be single and to serve the Lord, however, we were created to be relational beings and eventually the longing to be married will catch up with you. Also, serving with a partner is even more rewarding. I think it is unfortunate that we as a society are putting career and others things before marriage, thus creating a mess in our family structure and a big single culture. Being single for so long is not healthy emotionally, spiritually and sexually. We were not created to be single at 35, 40 or 50. The Church of Christ needs to revisit marriage and see the importance of it in our society. Our Christian men need to step up to the plate!
And yes, some, very few people are called to singleness, but this is a very small percentage. The rest of us will very much long for a spouse because that's what the Lord intended.

Posted By: Dulcinea | January 13, 2010 9:18 PM

I will be 45 on my next birthday. Being single and not having children is not what I would choose for myself. However, I wonder at perception of others on my life. Do others perceive and assume that because I have a good job, have bought a house on my own, and have returned to school to pursue a degree that I am anti-marriage/children and wanting to chase my career? If that is what others think, that's not the case of me! So many tears have been shed, and conversations with God!
Just something to think about. I myself have found lately that the opinion I've formed about others is based on not knowing them or hearing their story, and I was really off-base.
I think it's important to listen and pray with/for others, which is hard sometimes.

Posted By: K-Sue | January 14, 2010 6:33 PM

I was set up with a man through a friend of mine when I was about a year out of college, and he turned out to be my husband. :) I am thankful to have had a yenta.

Posted By: Bethany | January 18, 2010 1:25 PM

I am now 42 and still single, though not through choice, I invested eleven years of my life with my ex fiance but for him to dump me by text when my dad was seriously ill has given me a very negative view of men. I keep asking god to take away any desire for a relationship and its still here :-( I would love to be asexual and have no feelings. I have wanted to settle down since my late 20s but no luck. By the way, I'm not a career person either, just don't know what is wrong with men.

Posted By: Lonely | January 20, 2010 3:41 PM

The "Gift of Singleness" died out with the early church along with working of miracles, speaking in tongues, etc. No normal heterosexual man has this gift today.

Posted By: Larry | February 7, 2010 2:55 PM

Since I copped a lot of flak for sharing an extremely painful family experience which apparently did not suit some readers' opinions, I would like to make the following clarifications.

Occasionally, matchmakers make good matches. Even Emma Woodhouse managed one. Some people actively want to be introduced to members of the opposite sex, but would-be matchmakers should understand that many people actively resent it. The point is, that many would-be matchmakers ignore the facts that often single people prefer to be left alone, and that many find the matchmaker's attentions annoying or downright embarrassing. My observations and experiences are that expressions of polite disinterest are not enough to deter many church matchmakers, and that much of the frustration and anger that singles experience is the result of matchmakers who refuse to desist when given the brush off. There is also the inescapable truth that when other people assume they know what is best for us, they are often not as astute in making choices as they believe.

In the case of the story I shared about my brother, yes, his is a weak personality. I would say that this is PRECISELY the reason why other people should not have interfered in his decision making processes with regards something as important as his marriage. How can a weak person ever grow into strength when other people are making his choices for him? To put undue pressure on a weak man, who does not have what it takes to stand up for what he wants himself, is wrong. To matchmake anybody who has just emerged from a broken romance (as he had at the time he fell into the hands of matchmaking relatives) is equally irresponsible and asking for trouble. The people who promoted the match learned these facts in a very painful and distressing way. What I do not believe is that, because my brother was a weak person he somehow deserved or was doomed to an unhappy marriage.

I love my brother, and I know his faults. I also love my ex-sister in law and grieved terribly when their marriage broke down. Of course, the ultimate failure of the marriage is their fault alone; nobody is accusing the matchmakers who introduced them of causing their marriage to break up. But the fact remains, that if there had been no matchmaking cousin, and no matchmaking mother, that marriage would never ever have happened, and a lot of people would have been spared a great deal of pain. This includes the matchmakers themselves. If you had actively promoted a marriage that turned out to be a disaster from day one, I think you would have to be very cold-blooded indeed not to feel some pang of regret or conscience for your part in introducing the couple. We can't divorce ourselves from the consequences of our actions. After all, you’d have been happy if it had worked out, wouldn’t you?

Really, all I am saying is "tread carefully". It is equally possible to find yourself sowing seeds of unhappiness as seeds of love.

Posted By: Jane | March 1, 2010 8:59 PM