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January 20, 2010

Saved by Spanking

Reconsidering the controversial form of discipline in light of a new study — and timeless Scripture.

Caryn Rivadeneira

I was spanked. Not often, because I was a good kid. But still, I have one clear memory of getting a solid swat across my butt: I was probably 5 and had thrown a doozy of a tantrum in the grocery store. My mom told me that if I didn’t calm down, she would spank me when we got home. I didn’t calm down. So when we got home, she unloaded the car, put away the groceries while I sat, brooding and panicking. When she finished, she called me over with a pat of her lap and gave me a couple whacks.

I don’t remember crying. I’m sure it didn’t hurt (my mom’s pretty wimpy). So of course it hurt my mom more than it hurt me, as she assured me when she hugged me afterward. And in fact, according to a study by Marjorie Gunnoe, a professor of psychology/child development at Calvin College (full disclosure: my beloved alma mater), those whacks made me the well-adjusted adult that I am today (*cough, cough*).

While other research (the ones that have kept my husband and me from spanking our children — well, except that once) has shown that spanking ramps up aggression and other not-so-great attributes in kids, Gunnoe’s study says that “children who remember being spanked on the backside with an open hand do better in school, perform more volunteer work and are more optimistic than others who were not physically disciplined,” according to The Grand Rapids Press.

Of course, aside from loving and following Jesus, the qualities that Gunnoe mentions — doing better in school, being uber-volunteers, and being hopeful — just about sum up what I want for my kids. So now I’m wondering if I ought to get cranking with the spanking.

Gunnoe’s study certainly isn’t the only time I’ve wondered if we have made the right — or the most godly — choice regarding discipline. I mean, I’ve read Proverbs. I know the verses, the ones that say that kids who get the rod turn out better. I’ve also read the one that says that kids who don’t get the rod shame their mothers. But, yikes! I’m pretty positive God doesn’t want me beating my kids with a shepherd’s rod.

That said, Scripture is pretty clear that God expects us to use some form of correction — and that God himself punishes those he loves. Hebrews 12:6 says that “. . . the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”

This can be hard to read, too. We don’t like to imagine our loving, gracious Father doling out punishments, especially physical ones. Yet we see it in Scripture: from Jacob’s zap on the hip to Zechariah’s loss of speech. When God sets out to discipline those whom he loves, he seems to make it memorable — which brings me back to Gunnoe’s study.

What interests me is this comment from the Grand Rapids Press article: “Marjorie Gunnoe says the study finds children who remember being spanked [not beat] on the backside [not the head or ribs] with an open hand [not a fist or a switch]” are the ones who do better. Those who remember.

God wanted Jacob to remember his wrestling match. The Jews continued to remember it by not eating the meat from the tendon. God wanted Zechariah to remember his doubt and gave him nine long muted months to think about it. Apparently God knows that when we remember a punishment, we are more likely to change.

I’m probably not going to become a spanking mom — even Gunnoe cautions that her study shouldn’t be read as a “green light” for spanking — but this has given me pause about the ways I do discipline my kids. Instead of focusing on whether to spank or not to spank, maybe we should be looking at memorable forms of discipline. This sounds Draconian, I realize. I don’t mean it to be.

For what it’s worth, that one spanking isn’t the only punishment I remember. I can still taste the Dial soap in my mouth from when I told a taunting neighbor boy that I would see him in hell. (Really, I was being witty. But it’s a long story.) I also remember various droop-eyed looks of disappointment from my mom, my dad, and one high-school teacher. Now that I think about it, there are plenty of punishments I remember — and they are all the ones that “adjusted” me.

So, that’s where I am in grappling with this study. I wonder if it’s less about spanking itself and more about parents being parents, kids being kids, boundaries being boundaries, actions having consequences. These are the things that echo the heart of our loving, gracious God — who disciplines us because of who and how he is. Because he wants us to remember that he is God. And that he is good. All the time.

Caryn Rivadeneira is the author of Mama’s Got a Fake I.D.: How to Reveal the Real You Behind All That Mom (WaterBrook, 2009). Visit her at CarynRivadeneira.com or the Mommy Revolution blog.

For more CT coverage on parenting, see our January 2010 cover story by Leslie Leyland Fields, “The Myth of the Perfect Parent.”

Comments

Loving heart leads to loving discipline. Depraved heart lends to devilish punishment. Before discipline ask God to search your heart and guide you in the way of righteousnes. Studies by men generally reinforce their particular bias. Prayerfully studying to do God's will will lead to righteous behavior-albeit we grow as we go.

I saw a study recently (can't remember where) that suggested that spanking outside the US, in areas where spanking was considered normal, led to better results than in the US. The suggestion was that in areas where spanking is considered normal, it is usually not done in anger. And in places where spanking is rare, when it does happen it is more often done in anger. This study suggested that constancy, not the method of discipline, was the most important factor.

Nothing Draconian about a loving swat to the fanny that stings enough to be memorable, when it is warranted and it is done with forethought and from a self-controlled, deliberate parent. BTW, hug your child right after and apologize for having to take the action. It puts the onus back on them. Use other means mostly, though. Not everything is swat-worthy.

Rather than looking at a bunch of studies, shouldn't we simply look the the perfect, inerrant Word of God? We must spank our children (not abuse them) for God demands it. Anything less would be ignoring God Himself and placing other's opinions above the truth of God.

Over decades as father and pastor (and some years as a spankable child), I've observed that almost any kind of discipline works if parents are loving and in agreement with each other. The harm I see comes when the child perceives conflict over discipline between parents--especially if they compete for the child's loyalty.

What the Bible says about spanking is very clear. The challenge is, as flawed human beings needing Christ's redemption, how we can apply the correct level of physical punishment as prescribed by God and not cross the line into evil child abuse.

I remember being spanked as a child because it happened only once, when I was 7. It didn't hurt, but it was unjust. Years later, raising our two kids, I abandoned my own experience to follow the "Christian" spanking model for discipline. I now regret it, and wish I'd followed the example of my own parents -- who didn't spank but for that one time -- rather than the "experts."

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and you staff, they comfort me.” The balance of the Good Shepherd is guidance, presence, protection, and accountability which led to, and provided, comfort. A great model for parenting. You have to be there and be consistent. You lead by your example. You show strength in protection and accountability. Then, there is no fear—of the parent or the environment. Notice the comfort comes from the rod and the staff. The rod was the tool of protection and correction. The staff was the tool of guidance and recovery. It takes both. Use the “rod” that is most effective for your child/children.

My wife and I have raised three strong willed, independent adults who honor Christ, enrich their communities, and are building families and homes of their own. Each was spanked at the appropriate time, but each required their own “rod” of discipline: words, loss of privileges, etc. Three children, three “rods” of discipline. The great challenge: there was no cookie cutter solution. There was no “one size fits all.” The commonality and constant: two parents who loved God, were willing to take tough unified stands, and the willingness to humble ourselves, and apologize when we were wrong.

Yes, spanking was a part of the “rod” for each of our children. They do remember it specifically and vividly (they have shared stories with us about the plastic paint stick). And we have gifted our daughter and son-in-law with a set for their spirited three year old son. It is part of his “rod”—spanking, time-outs, loss of privileges, loss of treats, etc.

There is no justification for abusing, mistreating, or harming a child. But the greatest abuse may be doing nothing to teach them discipline and respect for themselves and others.

Well said. Thanks for providing this perspective. I pray the disciplining moments my children remember will be the ones I want them to and not the times I screwed up!

Dog trainers have a saying that goes, "One strong, well-timed correction is worth five weak ones." There's a lot of debate among trainers as to what qualifies as good correction. Some see training collars as cruel and punitive, others see them as an invaluable tool and they wouldn't use anything else--and they do so to an extreme degree. "Balanced" trainers see them as just one tool in their arsenal and they use a wide variety of others as well. They recognize that different dogs respond to different things and different situations require different solutions.

A balanced parent is no different. We recognize spanking as just one tool in our arsenal. One, if used carefully and lovingly can help our children learn about consequences and limits in a safe and loving environment. A few swats on backside say, "You crossed a line that you knew was there and this is the unpleasant, painful consequence." We also recognize that different kids have different needs. I have one child (in a family of four boys) who rarely needed correction when he was small, and another that seemed born to test everyone's patience. They are both now exceptional young men, but it was not an easy journey for anyone early on.

I'm an educator (as well as an amateur dog trainer) and have worked with other people's teens in a variety of settings. You can nearly always spot the kids whose parents understood balance and communicated consistency, versus the kids whose parents indulged them or were too caught up in their own lives to provide clear direction to their kids. In fact my first experience with teens in a public school environment was so horrible it almost put me off teaching anyone over fifth grade for life. Half the teens in my classroom were so rude and disrespectful that I couldn't get anything done. The other half wanted to learn, but were distracted by the antics of those who didn't. I spoke with other teachers who quickly demonstrated classroom techniques that earned the teens' respect. In every single case, it had a set of expectations and a set of consequences. I chose one that worked for me, put it into practice, and have had great success with it. But it is sad that it is needed at all. By the time our children are teens, we should be able to concentrate on educating them for adulthood, not doing the job their parents' should have done at home.

Good kids are not an accident of nature. They are made so by way of careful guidance, clear correction, and love.

Jesus in fact was very opposed to hitting. Consider Jesus's advice to "turn the other cheek". For those that say hitting is sanctioned in the bible, there is a lot of violence in the bible which Jesus told was strong. It was sanctioned to stone women for promiscuous sex, but what did Jesus say? It was considered a commandment in the old testament to do no work work on the Sabbath, but what did Jesus say? "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. MArk, 2:27
As far as Gunnoe's study, it is not even close to completion.
"One of those new population studies underway is called Portraits of American Life. It involves interviews of 2,600 people and their adolescent children every three years for the next 20 years. Dr. Marjorie Gunnoe is working with the first wave of data on the teens."http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/nurtureshock/archive/2009/12/30/never-been-spanked.aspx
It's ironic that many who are in favor of that practice did not search that fact out, while when Maury Straus's completed study came out, those who were unsatisfied with the findings that showed a correlation with lower IQ with children that had been hit, said that Straus's findings were bias ed because he was opposed to hitting prior to the study. However, these same people have not stated that Gunnoe is biased because she is a professor at a fundamentalist Christian college or that the study is not even finished.Hm
Let's actually look at what Jesus says about hitting people:
Jesus in fact was very opposed to hitting. Consider Jesus's advice to "turn the other cheek". For those that say hitting is sanctioned in the bible, there is a lot of violence in the bible which Jesus told was strong. It was sanctioned to stone women for promiscuous sex, but what did Jesus say? It was considered a commandment in the old testament to do no work work on the Sabbath, but what did Jesus say? "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. MArk, 2:27

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offenses! for it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh! (Matthew 18:6-7)

Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in Heaven. (Matthew 18:10)

Woo! Knew this one would be controversial. I love this: "When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault and battery. When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. When an adult hits a child we call it...discipline?"

My children are well-disciplined without spanking. I am fulfilling my duty as a parent. I don't condemn anyone who gives a "swat on the behind," but I simply don't believe in raising my hand in violence or anger to my children. I spanked my daughter once, calmly and with purpose, explained why even, to see if it would work. She just looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, why did you hit me?" So, that would be a no. I believe that far, far too many people who use physical punishments go overboard into abuse (such as my in-laws who "spanked" my husband with a belt leaving welts and occasionally blood).

There is a good place for parents who spank. We call it "prison."

I remember all too well one time, on a hot summer's day, when my father and I were in the garage tinkering on something and a new neighbor came over to chat. Well, for some inexplicable reason the subject turned to child rearing and was aghast to learn that I was never, ever, spanked. As he said, for what seemed to be the fifteenth time, "You mean you NEVER spank him," my father turned to me and simply said "Charles."

At that moment, the knife that had not been in my hand a second before, flew across the garage to stick, quivering, in the wall joist as the neighbor turned totally pale and shook like the knife in the wood.

With a huge grin on his face, my father said, "No one spanks Charles. We've taught him how to deal with anyone who would try."

You see, in my parents' point of view, spanking was just another form of physical assault and it is always proper to use force to defend yourself against assault.

For those that say hitting is sanctioned in the bible, there is a lot of violence in the bible which Jesus told was wrong. Jesus in fact was very opposed to hitting. Consider Jesus's advice to "turn the other cheek". It was sanctioned to stone women for promiscuous sex, but what did Jesus say? It was considered a commandment in the old testament to do no work work on the Sabbath, but what did Jesus say? "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. Mark, 2:27

As far as Gunnoe's study, it is not even close to completion.
"One of those new population studies underway is called Portraits of American Life. It involves interviews of 2,600 people and their adolescent children every three years for the next 20 years. Dr. Marjorie Gunnoe is working with the first wave of data on the teens."http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/nurtureshock/archive/2009/12/30/never-been-spanked.aspx

It's ironic that many who are in favor of that practice did not search that fact out, while when Maury Straus's completed study came out, those who were unsatisfied with the findings that show a correlation with lower IQ with children that had been hit, said that Straus's findings were bias ed because he was opposed to hitting prior to the study. However, these same people have not stated that Gunnoe is biased because she is a professor at a fundamentalist Christian college or that the study is not even finished.Hm
Let's actually look at what Jesus says about hitting people:

Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in Heaven. (Matthew 18:10)

So sorry for the double post. What I wanted to say was that
the New Testament also said:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.Ephesians 6:4
as well as "Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged." Colossains
I was at a grocery store the other night when a mother screamed to a child to "put your d.. seat-belt on." She didn't ask if the child was having a hard time to put it on as it was a young child. She then got out of the car, hit the child which produced a loud smacking sound, then said"there, now you have something to cray about" That prevalent type of treatment of children surely goes against those teachings to not cause your children to become exasperated or frustrated.

I don't understand how Caryn can write this article over one small study in the face of many years of research (and in the face of what she says she's doing with her own children, why are you not spanking your children but you are writing to convince others it's not that bad an idea ? or why are you simultaneously assuring us that you don't spank your children and trying to convince us spanking's not such a bad idea ?)

To the amatuer dog trainer and others if you want a good book on discipline, try, "Don't shoot the dog."

because I was a good kid. >>

I know you probably did not think about the implications of what you were saying here, but what is that supposed to mean ? Kids that were spanked more often were bad ? That there is such a thing as a 'bad' kid ? (according to the bible we're all born in sin) so I don't see how anyone can make a distinction like this "you were more sinful when you were born than me."

I really don't understand why there is a debate at all about spanking. Would you rather law enforcement started conducting spankings instead of parking tickets ? If so go ahead and spank... if not then how is it ok to do to children something that we would definitely not want done to us ?

I love that comment and I agree with it.

I realize this was a long ago post but I had to thank you for your honesty! My husband and I are having such a hard time finding a church simply because of all the parents that insist spanking is the only GODLY way. Drives me crazy. Thank you for giving me hope that there are Christian parents who don't spank.

There are many Christian parents - myself included! - whose careful consideration of Christ's teachings lead us to reject corporal punishment for our families. For two books that describe the theological underpinnings of a non-punitive approach to discipline, check out "Families Where Grace Is In Place" by Jeff Vanvonderen, and "You Can Have A Family Where Everybody Wins," by Earl Gaulke.

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