Hermenuetics

Comments

No objections to requiring 18 year olds to move out from me! I haven't seen a situation yet where an adult truly matured while living at home, but I have seen a lot of conflict and harmed relationships because of the refusal to grow up and move out. I moved out at age 21, and I am single woman, turning 26 this year, in ministry, surrounded by great relationships and maintaining a great relationship with my parents and siblings, mainly because I did grow up and move out! At the same time, I watch the pain and conflict resulting from siblings of mine who chose to indefinitely live at home.

Posted By: Katrina | February 3, 2010 11:23 AM

Requiring is too much. But I agree that most of the time living at home does not encourage deepening maturity.

Posted By: Adam Shields | February 3, 2010 11:55 AM

I agree that the State requiring is too much...that is something parents are responsible to require, not the government.

Posted By: Katrina | February 3, 2010 1:13 PM

One aspect that was not addressed in the article is the rising cost of housing in many cities. Rent, utilities and house prices are increasingly unaffordable to young adults who are on their first career. Not to mention the burden of student loan repayments. So, the decision to return home is often an economic one. Just like the economic pressure to have two wage-earners in a family.

Posted By: Andrew | February 3, 2010 2:57 PM

I'm 25, have been in a serious dating relationship for the past two years, and have been living at home with my parents since I graduated from college nearly 3 years ago. Originally I moved home after graduating because I didn't have a job lined up (but I found a temporary one 3 months after graduating and then a full-time job 6 months later). It's not that I'm TRYING to stay at home for as long as possible. If I had it my way, I would move out so I could be closer to work (a 40-minute commute) and just to enjoy life on my own. Financially, though, it would be difficult to live on my own (unless I found a roommate) and my parents think it would be better for me to save the money I'm making--especially if I get married within the next year or two. I'm not trying to avoid financial hardship or struggle, and maybe my parents just don't want to let go, but for now, this is where God has placed me.

I also wouldn't say that I'm not deepening in maturity by living at home. I pay all my own bills (like credit card, car payments, cell phone, etc.) and my parents don't put unreasonable expectations on me (most of the time), but allow me to come and go as I please. I'm also very involved serving as a youth leader at my church, so with working full-time and doing ministry, I have a lot of responsibilities on my plate--not something that I would consider causing me to fall back in my maturity. Obviously I could learn a lot by just moving out and figuring out how to manage my finances better, etc, but I know I'm already learning that even as I see where God would have me in the next few months.

I also know many people my age or who graduated recently who also moved back home with their parents after college. It seems to be the new trend, whether good or bad. I do think it can cause some people to become complacent by allowing their parents to continue to provide for their needs, but this is not true with all young adults living at home.

Posted By: Christy | February 3, 2010 3:04 PM

Choosing to live at home is one thing, but often it also means accepting no responsibility for room and board...that is the bigger issue. Once employment starts, there needs to be a demonstration of caring. If the outside world is truly unaffordable or too scary, then contribute financially to a reasonable sum...don't expect an allowance to accompany you into your grave!

Posted By: Stan | February 3, 2010 4:19 PM

I agree with Stan. If there are valid reasons for living with your parents as adult, then pay them a fair rate for room and board, just as you would if you lived with a roommate or friend. Just don't remain a child, living free off Mom and Dad. When I moved away from home at 21, to a large city because of God's call to a church there, single, not college educated, with a full-time job that paid little more than minimum wage, it wasn't easy. But I paid ALL my own bills during that period, worked hard, and God was faithful. Sure, I did without health insurance and the like, but it CAN be done.

Posted By: Sara | February 3, 2010 4:33 PM

I am interested in knowing HOW the Italian government or anyone else can mandate that a person leave home at age 18. Will the local police have a Grow-Up-And-Get-Out STrike Force Team that raids homes at mealtime or at night, to see if the teen children are at the dinner table or in bed? Will there be places that the captured violators are taken, like an institution for adult children who didn't leave? Will they be locked up? Will they wear ankle monitors that beep if they get too close to home? Will Momma have to hide her 18-year-old daughter under floorboards in the kitchen, and push the stove over her every night to keep her from being detected? Will a 20-year-old need a permit to spend the weekend with Poppa? Will neighbors spy on each other and turn each other in? Mama mia! It's enough to make you cry into your pasta. Someone, please tell me that this is a joke.

Posted By: Maryann | February 3, 2010 5:30 PM

It's hard to believe that divorce settlement didn't have an ending date for those allowance payments!

I agree with Maryann. How would you ever enforce something like that? And what on earth would make them think they have the right? If we did that here I'd have to kick my daughter out of the house before she finishes high school.

Posted By: reJoyce | February 4, 2010 8:28 AM

Being a middle-aged adult sharing a house with a (widowed) parent, I read this article with great interest. In my own case, moving back home after graduation from college was a given, as I was unemployed at the time. I was fortunate enough to find a job within about a month, but it was part-time at minimum wage (and minimum wage back then was about $3.35 per hour!). Years passed; layoffs, salary freezes, salary cuts and lateral job transfers became almost a norm, and it wasn't until quite a bit of time had elapsed before I found myself earning what would now be considered a "liveable" wage. During this time I had the choice of moving in with a stranger and risking incompatibility or the roommate's marriage and consequent moving out, or simply remaining in a house and paying rent - which also helped my parent, whose real estate career was low-paying, unstable and sans benefits. In other words, both sides were benefited.

I'll be the first to admit that this type of arrangement has its drawbacks and challenges. Aside from the question of personal maturity growth (and this will vary by individual), there is a social stigma attached to adult children remaining at home...or there was more of one in past years than I think there is now, as more Baby Boomers find themselves caring for elderly parents. With that dynamic, I find the issue of my living arrangement to be steadily...less of an issue. Because I was at home when my grandmother became an invalid and needed full-time care, my mother was able to retire from real estate and become her full-time caregiver while I was the primary wage earner - an arrangement that lasted nearly a decade (and carried its own challenges, believe me!). Now that my own mother is approaching 80, living on Social Security and my share of household expenses, and has her own, though not yet severe, health issues, the question of moving out is largely moot, as I don't choose to consign her to a strange roommate in her latter years.

Did I miss out on things? Was my personal growth stunted? Undoubtedly the answer to both questions is yes, to some extent. But who doesn't miss out on something in this life? Dwelling on it, while masochistically enjoyable at times, only leads to depression. As long as I continute to contrbute to the household, financially and through housework, through the simplest of errands or watching over my mother after her upcoming surgery, I will consider myself an "adult."

Posted By: Lucie | February 4, 2010 9:30 AM

I am a 35 year old single woman. I've been living on my own which is wonderful but my parents and I have decided to move in together. My parents are not well off and I am a non-profit worker who doesn't earn a ton of money. By moving in together as equal room-mates, the standard of living for all of us increases.

This move is motivated for financial reasons to be sure but it is also motivated by a desire to be able to give more money away.

If we want to throw judgments around like...living with parents stunts growth, which to be frank, offends me greatly...it could be argued that there is something inherently selfish in living independently and spending all your money on yourself. How about sacrificing some independence...sacrificing how society views you, moving in with the parents and having more money to give to the people in the our society and world who are truly suffering.

Please excuse the bite of that statement...but I am struggling with hearing lots of snide comments and full out judgments from people who assume that everyone who lives with their parents is going backwards in life. I am not. My parents are aging. At somepoint we would be living together and will be living together because they will need help. Why not do it now, save money and be able to be more generous? I am so tired of people assuming moving out equals maturity!

Posted By: Lisa | February 4, 2010 11:12 AM

Also, I know several friends of mine from high school and college who have moved out right after college graduation but still had their parents supporting them to help pay for rent, etc. So moving out of your parents' home does not necessarily mean you're becoming more mature and responsible for yourself!

Posted By: Christy | February 4, 2010 11:53 AM

I think there is something very different with people like Lisa that are choosing to move back later than with people that move back with parents directly after college. My brothers and my bro in law all moved back in with parents after college. They all did it primarily for financial reasons, but once there didn't make a lot of good financial decisions. They weren't paying rent (or at least not that much) but were still buying things that put them either into debt or were fairly optional. I am not saying there aren't good reasons and I would strongly disagree with a gov't mandate, but both parents and children need to take some responsibility and make sure that children are moving in the direction of maturity. In some cases that maturity does mean moving back in.

Posted By: Adam Shields | February 4, 2010 1:44 PM

There is a MAJOR difference between living with your parents as equals, sharing financial costs as equal adults, and moving back in with Mom and Dad after college. I work hard and give a lot away, living alone - definitely not spending all or most on myself, as Lisa says. But kudos to people like Lisa who are living as adults with their parents, SHARING THE BILLS. The problem is, most adults (as in the original story about Italy) living with Mom and Dad AREN'T living that way. And yes, the problem's the same if Mom and Dad support that adult kid who lives away from home.

Posted By: Sara | February 4, 2010 1:58 PM

I moved out of my family home when I was 17, almost 18 (to go to University), and I finished receiving a monthly allowance/tuition help at 20. After that I was on my own, but I was a rarity out of people I know.

I think it was definitely a beneficial choice... I matured so much by being on my own. I know a lot of people my age that are saving their money by living with their parents and will be in a much better place financially that I will be since they will have no student loans and were able to save up money by not spending it on groceries and rent and bills. However, I am glad I have learned what it is like to go hungry sometimes and to push through financial hardships. In the end, I think it was the best choice for me.

I plan to do with my children (when I have them lol) the same as my parents did with me. They will move out early on but still have a couple of years of some financial support that will taper off as the months go on, and then they will be on their own.

Posted By: Sara(different then the other Sara lol) | February 4, 2010 5:26 PM

I think Western Civilization's idea that adult children living at home is somehow unnatural and wrong is unBiblical. The Biblical template that God gives us is adult children living with their parents until marriage. Even after marriage, many couples lived within close proximity to one set of parents or the other. When the majority of the world lived in an agrarian society, many families stayed together out of necessity. It wasn't until the dawn of the Industrial Revolution that adult children were pushed out of the home to go to the city to find work and make money to send home. The families who did have some extra money would send their children off to schools of higher learning in order to give them a chance at a "better/less difficult" life than one on the farm. Even today we see cultures where it is not unusual for the adult children to stay at home or very near by. The Amish have a tradition of building their homes so that when a child marries, they build on a new addition to the main house for the newly-wed's home. In many Asian and more "traditional" Eastern European cultures, adult children regularly live at home with their parents, while they are expected to contribute to the family by means of income from a job and participating in the running of the home.

It is in America and Western European countries that we have turned what God instituted as good into something bad. Parents and Western Society have ALLOWed adult children the benefits of living at home with none of the RESPONSIBILITY that traditionally went along with it. The "college dorm" lifestyle that is cultivated during the years of "higher" education, is the result of universities adopting a policy to completely abandon their former roles as the "parent" in the absense of the real parents. Is it any wonder we have two back to back generations of people who have fostered these attitudes and we've wound up with "lazy" adult children living off their parents and not stepping up to become responsible, hard working memebers of society? It doesn't have to be that way. We need to get back to the Biblical understanding of adult children living at home. There are people here in the US who are able to live it out as God intended. We should not critisize them or force them out of the home like the Italian Government is considering.

Posted By: Diana Stewart | February 4, 2010 5:32 PM

Most Sri Lankan adults don't leave home before marriage unless the place of work is too far. So we have 60yr olds who never left home taking care of thier 90 yr old parents! Most people give part of their earnings towards the running of the household/ sometimes the child is fully financially responsible for looking after his/her parents. In our culture, parents would probably be very hurt if their kids wanted to leave home! I find this is the same even among Sri Lankans/Asians living in the West too.

Posted By: Rumala - Sri Lanka | February 5, 2010 12:56 AM

... great dialogue, lots of thought-filled questions, no easy answers. Definitely an issue where questions of finances, culture, or quality of relationships have an impact on the decisions made.

Posted By: Linda Stoll | February 5, 2010 8:58 AM

I don't think it should be up to anyone on when someone is comfortable 'leaving the nest'. I know 18 would have been too young in my case. I lived at home until my income could support me ... which due to full-time college, and a sparsely paying internship, was not until I was out of college for a couple of years ... around age 24. Not all of us earn scholarships, and without parental support it is difficult to go right into college - as even the author of this article suggests is often expected. I think our government and insurance companies have already done what they should do. Adults should not be able to claim their children after age 21 as dependents for it to be beneficial to stay at home. Whether they live within or without their childhood home is up to the family and no one should be able to dictate otherwise. Every family is unique, and if parents want help getting an older child out of the house there are places to go, but if they do not - there is nothing wrong with it. It is their business and no one elses. (Hopefully the adult child will contribute income/rent to the household ... but that is also up to the families involved. The adult child might be caring for an elderly relative, performing child care for younger relatives or cleaning tasks - every situation is unique.)

Posted By: Suzanne | February 11, 2010 8:01 AM

Safety. That has become a big reason that children are moving back home again in the city where I live. There has been a rash of break-ins where people have been home and they have been beaten or killed for whatever valuables you might have.The ages of the victims hasn't mattered to the criminal's. They even walk right into the yards where a person is just mowing the yard and robbed them. There isn't a reason or pattern to the criminal. They just want money.
My son's even go to the store with me most of the time just so I can be safe. My biggest fear is going to the bank or gas station alone. After having young kids come up to me and asking for money or strange men asking me to give them a ride somewhere. I have learned that crime can happen to you even in your own home.
loretta

Posted By: Loretta | February 11, 2010 8:57 AM

I am not a fan of the trend of adult children living at home with Mommy & Daddy, OR of living "independently" as long as Mom & Dad are footing the bill. There used to be a culture in this country that you lived under your parents' roof while you were a CHILD, but upon reaching adulthood (18 or 21 years, depending on whether or not you went to college) it was time to get out on your own. So what if you have to have a roommate in order to be able to afford an apartment? It would be good for some people to learn to get along with a roommate. I had a roommate for six years after college, until I could afford my own place. This idea that someone over the age of 21 with a college education should be able to live with Mommy & Daddy and be treated as an "adult," (including sleepover privileges with members of the opposite sex) is nonsense. The sooner M & D cut off financial support, (which includes rent money and/or room and board) the sooner these Little Princes and Princesses will learn to be self-sufficient adults.

As for an adult child moving back in to care for aging parents, that is another thing entirely. That child is not a mooch.

Posted By: DG in GA | September 6, 2011 4:35 PM

your blog post came up on my google search. I wish there were some magic words I could say to my parents that would make them understand that taking in my 60yr old brother for the 3rd time is not helping him. He does not stay in a marriage or a job when it becomes inconvenient because he knows mom & dad will put him up until the next job and marriage come along(usually 6-12 mo). 3 members of our immediate family have told them why we feel it is wrong for them not to ask for anything in return from him, not even helping with chores. plus they give him spending money to play with his friends and lift his spirit because he is depressed about the lack of jobs nowadays. From his descriptions many of us feel he could have made his "bad" situations work, if only just to survive away from mom & dad, like many of us do when we stick out tough situations because it would be more demeaning to shirk everything and run back home. They don't like to ask one of their adult children to help out with anything, like he is a guest when he should be treated as a tenant. He also gives heartbreak stories to get them to loan him thousands of dollars and never attempt to make payments back when he does get back to work. then the next time he needs more money to get back on his feet... I know it is their decision but it hurts to see them taken advantage of on a regular basis. thanks for letting me vent.

Posted By: linda | September 12, 2011 2:48 PM