Hermenuetics

Comments

Interactions between men and women don't have to happen in dorms or student housing. What about going to class? Or activities related to the campus chapel, such as serving in ministries together (Habitat for Humanity, choirs, etc)? Or other campus social activities? There are plenty of ways for the sexes to mingle without being in the context of dorms/housing.

Posted By: Katie | March 25, 2010 1:42 PM

I think the author is coming from the resident's life perspective which includes dorms/houseing but also supervising a lot of other campus activities. Ultimately Graves gets at the key issue which is that our sub-culture has bought into the sexual obsession, but with sex only happening in marriage - we have become equally marriage obsessed.

Posted By: nate | March 25, 2010 2:16 PM

I agree with Nate. Living on a Christian campus I find that male-female relationships are mostly spoken of in terms of romantic/sexual relationships and lack an emphasis on friendship. Even within dating relationships I find that very few actually have a friendship component.

Posted By: Sarah | March 25, 2010 2:31 PM

I attended a Christian college --- some of my best memories are from the relationships I formed with other male students in the context of student leadership. This was a safe environment where we worked together as peers on shared projects but in that context built trust and talked about all sorts of topics relevant to our lives, including sex and relationships, but also just about our common dreams, goals, passions, intellectual interests etc. It was so fun and life-giving to have those relationships with my male peers without the pressure of it being attached to a romantic relationship or sex. A lot of what cultivated this healthy environment was good mentors and staff members (male and female) who demonstrated the beauty of cross-gender friendship and professional relationships to us in appropriate ways. These mentors showed me that a male/female friendship or relationship does not have to be about dating/sex, but that there is a lot to appreciate and gain from friendship and working relationships with members of the opposite sex, and we don't always have to regard the other through a lens of fear and suspicion (a lingering legacy from my youth group days!). My college experience has helped me realize that healthy boundaries and healthy relationships that are rich and fulfilling (and honor God) with members of the opposite sex are possible! I fully support Marlena's desire to think about ways to encourage the practice of such relationships...because it will serve students well into the future.

Posted By: rachel | March 25, 2010 2:47 PM

I went to a secular school and was very involved in a Christian group on campus. Some of my best, and most lasting, friendships with men and women came out of the friendships I formed, especially in small groups (co-ed) and leadership of that Christian organization. Does Cedarville have any sort of small groups for bible study, etc. that many or all students participate in? Are those groups co-ed? While I recognize the benefits of same-gender prayer/bible study I also think there are huge benefits to mixed-gender groups - and one of the biggest is an environment to nurture healthy friendships with the opposite gender.

Posted By: Lucy | March 25, 2010 10:45 PM

I found this article very interesting because of my experiences. When I was in college (I'm a girl and I went to a secular school), I had (and still have) many close guy friends, both Christian and non-Christian, around whom I felt (and still feel) perfectly comfortable acting naturally around and hanging out with.
Now, graduated and in the "real world", I go to a Bible study made up of fellow believers in their late 20s/early 30s. I've only been attending for a few months and I noticed something; there is somewhat of an invisible wall between genders, and there is not the easy rapport between guys and girls that I am used to. It's very odd, as I go into social events expecting to make friends, regardless of gender.

Posted By: Dani | March 25, 2010 11:27 PM

"Two to three times a semester, we have open dorm nights, during which students can visit the dorm rooms of the opposite sex during a three-hour window..."

-- OK, I'm middle-aged now, and I was raised in a pretty traditional, moderately evangelical, fairly sheltered home, but I'm laughing so hard I can barely type. I don't have a problem with reasonable rules, but how can you possibly teach responsible decision-making to kids if you never give them an opportunity to actually make decisions?

"So we have rules to keep students safe and to (hopefully) curb sexual immorality. And we talk constantly about sexual purity and modesty and men’s roles and women’s roles and dating relationships."

-- The problem is idolizing sexual "purity" and thinking that "safety" equals no contact. Obsessing about "purity," just like every other type of obsession, just leaves people obsessed. Equating "safety" with isolation merely makes the forbidden more alluring.

These 1950s time warps (today's "ring by spring" is yesterday's "MRS degree"), while laughable, are actually quite creepy and are yet another example of how the evangelical movement has walked away from reasonability and into the twilight zone of "courtship," "virgin lips" and Quiverfull."

"But what might be some fruitful ways to foster friendship between the sexes?"

-- Seriously? Dining halls, coffee shops, wi-fi hotspots, libraries, open student lounges, clubs, sports. Healthy young people don't usually need much help. You just have to let them in the same room together once in awhile. It IS actually possible for a co-ed group of young people to be in the same room without an orgy breaking out. Unless of course, all you tell them is don't think about sex, don't think about sex, don't think about sex, because, of course, that's ALL they'll be able to think about.

Posted By: Christian Lawyer | March 26, 2010 12:17 AM

@ Christian Lawyer

I think you missed a few things.

First, a lot of Christian colleges have the sorts of dorm rules Ms. Graves identifies. So, your hysterical laughter is directed at most Chrisitan colleges.

Second, Ms. Graves clearly indicated that there is a problem with obsessing over sex. Maybe you just meant to affirm what she already wrote.

Third, it seems clear that you are missing something regarding how to foster friendships between the sexes. To suggest that the solution to fostering community at Christian colleges is to have libraries, dining halls, coffee shops, open student lounges, and so on is like suggesting that the way to build a car is to have some tools lying around along with the requisite parts. It's like suggesting that the way to educate young people is to have some books and some computers nearby. It's like suggesting that the way to develop life together in a church is to have a sanctuary and a fellowship hall. At best, those things are all necessary conditions for accomplishing the specified task. But they are hardly sufficient.

Perhaps your mistake here is in assuming that all young people need is space and opportunity. That seems false. For example, it has been well-noted by many experts that the extended use of social networking sites stunts the ability to develop true embodied community. Throwing dining halls and coffee shops at such students won't help matters (any more than throwing those tools and parts at a toddler and issuing the command to "build a car" will produce the desired results.

(Besides, what colleges these days don't already have dining halls, coffee shops, hot spots, open lounges, etc.? I don't think that your suggested solution would produce a "Oh, we never thought about that before!" kind of reaction.)

Posted By: Steve | March 26, 2010 7:50 AM

"Part of their panic is fueled by a fear (whether real or imagined) that the odds of meeting a godly man will dwindle once they graduate."

I agree. At the Christian college I attended, I noticed this, too. A friend was told by upperclassman women to "get a guy while the pickings are good.This is the only time of your life when you'll be around this many good Christian men."

Umm, really? I found many mature, Christ-following men (and my husband of 10 years!) in my church's singles group.

Posted By: Laura Droege | March 26, 2010 11:45 AM

There is no point in debating this issue. The scriptures are completely clear about Gender Neutral Housing. Paul moved in with Lydia in Acts 16:15 therefore Gender Neutral Housing is perfectly acceptable for Christians.

Posted By: Scott | March 26, 2010 1:10 PM

Hopefully Scott will be able to read more clearly as he spends more time in the Scriptures. Acts 16:15 clearly uses the pronouns in the plural - and the indication is clearly that the offer was for the time needed for rest before continuing on in their ministry. If Scott is looking for an excuse to promote gender neutral housing, he has picked a portion of God's Word and used it with an air of presupposition.
God has not changed his ethics (his character); only those who want to change expected morals attempt to change the absolute character of God.

Posted By: Larry | March 26, 2010 6:17 PM

I attended such a college in the 50's--Same rules, same attitudes, same obsessions. I went there for a Godly education, not an MRS, and yet I was the first one in my class to marry.

I've spent years contemplating the problem of inter-gender friendships. People obsessed with lust see one problem. People with low self-esteem see another. People with control issues, another etc.

First, I suggest we study "The Four Loves" by C S Lewis. He describes love/romance as gazing into one another's eyes. Whereas love/friendship is gazing outward toward a mutual goal/project.

If people build a Habitat house together, if they build a school together, or a church together, or a Christian Coffee House together, then gender-neutral friendships will naturally flourish. And any romance/love that might grow out of these activities will have a far firmer foundation than mere status, infatuation, or lust.

Second, Inter-gender friends will quickly discover that prayer is an absolute icy wet blanket to lust. I find it absolutely amazing how many--even married--couples goingwill share sex long before they are willing to share prayer! As we say, "The family that prays together, stays together."

Posted By: Dawn E Hall | March 27, 2010 3:45 PM

The college I attended had both single-gender dorms and mixed-gender dorms (men on one floor, women on the next, men on the next, etc.). The visitation policy, at least for the dorm I lived in, allowed visitors of the opposite gender until about 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. Only once did I ever hear of anything happening during my time in the dorm. While I don't believe in mixed-gender cohabitation, I do think some colleges can be too strict.

I also agree with Dawn and (believe it or not) partially with Christian Lawyer. Mutual activities and opportunities for these activities can often lead to inter-gender friendships and possibly more. However, coffee shops may not be the best approach, because of the obvious presence of WiFi, inviting computer use. The best approach, in my opinion, is to both provide opportunities for students to be in the same room (as CL said) and also to foster friendships through group activities.

The students I knew did spend time on social networking sites, but would also be sure to have a good time with friends, face-to-face.

Posted By: cybereagle777 | March 29, 2010 3:08 PM

Have you seen Dan Brennan's new book on friendship between Christian men and women. Part of his thesis is that close friendship is not only possible, but is a very good thing. It's a very thought provoking book. (I'd actually love to see Her.meneutics do a review of it...I think its an important book for how the conversation will move forward)

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Unions-Passions-Engaging-Friendship/dp/0982580703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269910363&sr=8-1

Posted By: Jennifer | March 29, 2010 7:54 PM

I recommend shared hardship and adventure to help young people form friendly bonds. After young people work in 100 degree heat to build a house in Jaurez MX they feel a bond similar to athletic teams or the military who have survived boot camp. The hardship should be necessary and purposful rather than contrived, and not any type of hazing.

Also, bonds grow when people get outside their comfort zones, so I suggest activities like rock climbing, camping, rafting, or insulating houses in the most depressed neighborhood of town. Follow up these activities with on campus reunions to reminice and plan the next ones.

Also, recognize that in today's world Facebook is the new community square or school commons. A challenge is how to help our kids to relate face to face. On the challenge activities I described above I think it works to declare a sabbatical from electronics for the time together (cameras are great though).

Posted By: wts | March 30, 2010 1:02 PM

I didn't go to a Christian college, but I did go to UNC (which has had articles written about it related to the very lopsided numbers of men and women). I realized that after high school, I didn't see many men in my classes, or the campus ministry I attended. On top of that, I was a nursing major so my classes barely contained one male student most of the time. However, when I was outside of classes, I often found myself eating in the dining hall with 4 other boys and maybe one girl. And we hung out together in my dorm room too, because no one was concerned about all the temptations. Yes, I was blessed to have a boyfriend who went to another college and I had been with since high school and later married, but Christian colleges can go so overboard with treating their students like teenagers. How do you expect these people to graduate and know how to be social with someone of the opposite sex, especially if they are basically getting a constant message that if they are alone with the opposite sex, they'll be really tempted? There are not chaperones in the real world. If a person goes 22 years with either a parent or some kind of pseudo-parent supervising them all the time, what message does THAT send about self-control?

Posted By: Kelley | April 1, 2010 2:51 PM

I am actually a student where Ms. Graves is an RD at and sometimes it is hard to foster genuine friendships with guys at times. I do not think it is because of the lack of opportunity. My freshman year, I hung out with a group of friends and I was able to get to know those guys well and it was awesome. Now, I am a junior. Because of our schedules, that group of friends doesn't hang out that much anymore.

I think the largest problem is the culture of Christian colleges. I love it here and would not trade it; however, because of the "ring by spring" that does exist to a point, it is hard to go to get coffee or to a basketball game or to the cafeteria with just a friend. I think to change it is so take that focus off of relationships. Focus of God, his character, what it looks like to live of the love of God to those around us, etc. (I hate how chapel speakers consistently make comments about it!) If that focus is taken off, I think that the sense of "ring by spring" will diminish. Another key I think is for there to be guys and girls who are willing to simply ask a friend to get coffee or go to a basketball game. Those students need to be like I do not care what others think and what others will wonder. I know I am guilty of seeing a girl and guy hanging out and wondering if there is something between them, but I also do not automatically ask because I know how frustrating it can be to me. I have a guy friend or two who are willing to do that and I appreciate those friendships.

So ways to help change that for Ms. Graves:
- Encourage guys/girls to go to coffee or a basketball game with either a small group or just someone of the opposite sex. Maybe encourage the girl to find another girl they get along with great and together they can find two guys to do something with because it takes a little bit of the awkwardness away.
- Maybe one thing we can do as resident life on Christian campuses is to focus where we need to and not on sexuality and marriage as much. But the next question is what are some practical ways to do that?
- I know one thing that has been encouraging to me is that back home most of my friends have graduated from school, are pursuing their careers, and are single... and shocker. ... THEY ARE HAPPY. I know a good number of single, solid Christian guys who are still out there. As a RD, maybe encourage them that those guys that don't leave Cedarville engaged, they have to go somewhere and so there are guys out there who are amazing Christian leaders. Maybe bring in some of those girls who are graduated, single, and content so that they can meet them "in the flesh". I know it's easy to be like I know God can provide. But meeting Christians who are happily married but met after school or who are single and they are happy is just a lot more encouraging and believable. Have them share their testimony or something

Posted By: Tiffani | April 9, 2010 7:16 PM

Well, I like the idea, but I am kind of doubting how will they implement the procedure~~I am an international student in US, and I found most Americans could find their own ways to build their hang out groups. If school has that kind of housing plans for special group, then the students house will be more likely be divided into certain district, people in the same kind will occupy certain area, which I don't think it's healthy for social life.
But I like the idea anyway. I have some buddies when I attend the college in America, at that time, our college didn't have the option for male and female live together.Then we used Jack's rental search to look for near campus housing. we each had our own room and respect each other's private space. We get along very well, and they are still my buddies. But sometimes their girlfriends stayed, so I am wondering that if school allows male and female lives together, how can they really prevent couples to apply, or some other unexpected issues between different sex groups, will there be any kind of discrimination ?

Posted By: lina | July 29, 2011 11:10 AM

Growing up I have always been a tomboy and one of the guys. In fact I always found it easier to befriend a male because I usually felt that they are usually easier to talk to and have fun with. There is no competition or jealously or anything of the sort unless you beat them in a soccer game. And when I mean we were friends, we were friends. Nothing like a crush made us hang out; we hung out simply because we enjoyed each other’s company. When I graduated high school and entered the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York it was a shock. The ratio of females to males was incredibly uneven. Girls dominate the campus there and after being a student there for 3 years I have only met four straight guys at my school. I was out of my comfort zone and I realized how hard it was for me to fit in with the girls. Freshman year was tough. I did meet some really great girls I know I can call my good friends, but I did not like the dorm-life anymore. I recently moved out of the dorms and I am now in off-campus housing which I found through Jack’s Rental Search, a great real-estate tool just for students. After I moved I met some wonderful people in the city, females and males. I am glad I went through a journey and now have gained a truly amazing group of people I can always rely on and have fun with, with gender not being a factor at all.

Posted By: Laura | August 3, 2011 9:47 AM

I always felt so awkward when I went into the lobbies of the mixed gender dorms (different wings). I lived in an all girls dorm. Thankfully I did develop friendships with guys in college - not through to dorm activities though. Shared experiences, major, activities, etc. Still over all I still to this day - at 32 - feel awkward around most guys!

Posted By: Jaimee | October 14, 2011 12:40 AM