Her.meneutics: 'Why Don't You Just Adopt?'

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March 9, 2010

'Why Don't You Just Adopt?'

The frequent question assumes that adoption is both easy and morally superior.

Ellen Painter Dollar, guest blogger

The detention of U.S. Baptist missionaries who tried to take 33 children out of Haiti after the January 12 earthquake shone a bright light on complex moral questions related to the country’s adoption practices. The Wall Street Journal reports that, even before the earthquake, an estimated 400,000 Haitian children lived in some type of orphanage, and only a few thousand were orphans in the traditional sense. One American arrived in Haiti to find that the girl he planned to adopt not only had a living mother, but that her mother actually worked in the girl’s orphanage. When the man balked at taking the girl, the mother assured him it was what she wanted for her child. She beamed as her daughter drove away with her adoptive father.

While Haiti’s child welfare system seems uniquely overwhelmed, the focus on Haitian adoptions reveals a broader truth: Adoption is not quite the straightforward, ethically superior choice many of us assume it is.

“Why don’t you just adopt?” Well-meaning people say this often to those who have used or are considering reproductive technology to conceive because of infertility or a troubling genetic history. The question implies that adoption is the simplest, most loving, and least selfish choice. Wouldn’t it be a better use of resources to adopt a child who needs parents rather than paying fertility clinics to help make a baby? If a couple really wants a child, should they really put their desire for a biological child over the needs of living, breathing children who could use a home?

These questions rely on what theologian and ethicist Paul Lauritzen has called the “myth of unwanted children.” Lauritzen, in Pursuing Parenthood, writes that “even to talk about ‘unwanted children’ may be misleading in situations where a woman is relinquishing a child not because she is unwilling to care for her child, but because she is unable to do so. . . . To speak about ‘unwanted children’ is to fail to take seriously what is perhaps the most compelling reason women relinquish children, namely, poverty” (p. 126).

For every mother who weeps in relief as her child leaves for a better life, another mother weeps in anguish that she felt compelled to make such a choice. As Christians called to care for “the least of these,” we are also called to help create healthy societies where mothers aren’t forced to relinquish children because they are overwhelmed by poverty, violence, and chaos. Given that our Scriptures frequently remind us that our treasure is not to be found in wealth, we need to guard against believing that a well-off parent is by default better than a poor one.

Beyond these tricky dynamics of wealth and wanting are other reasons that adoption is far from a simple solution.

With both assisted reproduction and adoption, prospective parents have to confront questions — about why they want children and how they will behave as parents — that many parents do not. No one responds to a couple’s pregnancy announcement by asking, “Why is biological parenthood so important to you?” No one did a home study on my husband and me before we brought our firstborn home from the hospital. Adoptive parents also deal with significant scrutiny and uncertainty: Will a birth mother choose us? Will she change her mind? Will war, natural disaster, or bureaucracy stymie our international adoption process? Will we have to field questions about why our child looks so different from us every time we go to the playground? All parents live with uncertainty, but adoptive parents have to accept a great deal of it up front.

Finally, the desire for biological parenthood is a powerful one. Christians understand the drive to reproduce as God-given, while scientists say we have an evolutionarily conditioned urge to propagate our genes. But the desire for biological children goes beyond a calculated plan to follow God’s mandate or widen one’s gene pool. Many people have a deep desire to have babies, a desire reinforced by both secular and Christian cultures, in which childless adults can struggle to interact meaningfully with peers wrapped up in parenthood and in churches centered on young families.

I am not criticizing adoption itself, which is a life-affirming, child-loving choice for building a family. Biblical mandates to care for orphans abound. But I am criticizing the question, “Why don’t you just adopt?” offered as a no-brainer to people who cannot or feel they should not (because of genetic history) naturally conceive the children they long for.

For Christians, decisions about childbearing go beyond practical matters of whether or not we can conceive, and the physical, emotional, and financial risks inherent in natural conception, assisted reproduction, and adoption. Our faith demands that we try to determine where God is leading us. A friend of mine, an adoptive mother of two boys, adopted not because she couldn’t conceive but because she believed it was what God desired. “Ultimately,” she says, “as a person of faith, I believe the road is decided by God. This has been the best and only explanation for how our family was created for [our sons].”

Likewise, despite my having a genetic bone disorder with a 50 percent inheritance rate, bearing children has been for me much more than the next logical step after marriage. It became clear, after years of discernment, struggle, and questioning, that God was calling me to biological motherhood.

I would love to see the question, “Why don’t you just adopt?” disappear from conversations about reproductive decision-making. Perhaps a better one is, “Have you ever considered adoption?” Although that question might sound as ridiculous as asking someone who has been job hunting for a year, “Have you thought about listing your resume online?” I think it’s safe to say that, yes, people who are dealing with difficult reproductive decisions have thought about adoption. Maybe it’s best to simply say this: “Tell me what you think about adoption.”

Ellen Painter Dollar is a writer who focuses on Christian reproductive ethics and disability theology. She is writing a book for Westminster John Knox Press (forthcoming in 2011) about the ethics and theology of assisted reproduction and genetic screening. She blogs at ChoicesThatMatter.blogspot.com and Five Dollars and Some Common Sense. She has written for CT about disability and genetic testing.

More Christianity Today coverage of Haiti earthquake relief is available in our full coverage section and our liveblog.

The first image portrays an orphan adopted from Haiti. The second image portrays children from an orphanage in Haiti preparing to head the United States to meet with their adoptive families. Both images were found on Flickr's Creative Commons.

Comments

Thank you for addressing this! I attempted to do likewise in a more generalized sense here: http://www.jesusmanifesto.com/2010/01/i-dont-have-a-good-title-for-this-article/, but it's great to see Her*meneutics tackling it as well.

Good points, all. This question ("Why don't you just adopt?") is also one that gets lobbed at women who have miscarried or suffered a stillbirth, as though it's not acceptable to grieve over the particular baby that was lost when there are so many children that need parents. One question is separate from the other,and just after a tragedy is not exactly the best time to bring it up.

I agree that we can't foist our adoption agendas on those who are infertile. However, I wonder if anyone has ever stopped to think how watching friends go through elaborate, expensive measures to have a biological child while rejecting or ignoring the possibility adoption feels to those of us who are adopted.

I've encountered obstacles with using my church's social services for adoption. Upon investigating their criteria, my husband and I fail to qualify for their adoption services (without director-level approval) due to one partner's previous divorce, one partner's voluntary sterilization 17 years ago, and because we married civilly. There's an extra sting in discovering that despite being lifelong church members, we aren't considered "worthy" to adopt through church resources.

As someone dealing with infertility, this question drives me crazy! I think adoption would be wonderful, and my husband and I considered it even before we knew a biological child would not come easily. But there is no such thing as "just adopting." It's not like "Why don't you just go for a walk?" There are so many other financial and emotional implications, the process can take so long, and there can be really serious barriers to entry. There is no such thing as "just adopting."

Amen. The question "why don't you just adopt" ranks high, along with "you just need to pray more" and "you just need to have a little more faith" in the list of Dumb And Inappropriate Things Christians Say That Just Don't Help. Please read James 2:15-16 more often, folks.

The 10 people arrested for child trafficking in Haiti are not members of churches affiliated with American Baptist Churches USA (ABCUSA). Some media sources have labeled these individuals as American Baptists. While the people involved are Baptists from the United States, they are not members of the denomination known as ABCUSA.

ABCUSA currently has missionaries doing ministry in Haiti, but they are not involved in this incident in any way.

ABCUSA members continue to pray for the victims of the earthquake and all those working to aid Haitians during this difficult time.

American Baptist Churches is one of the most diverse Christian denominations today, with 5,500 local congregations comprised of 1.3 million members, across the United States and Puerto Rico, all engaged in God’s mission around the world.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Andrew and Jana's comments in particular point out something that I was thinking about as I wrote this--which is that the adoption question is just one of the many "easy" answers that people (not just Christians) offer when they just don't know how to respond to someone else's pain or difficult decisions. I gave an earlier version of this piece to a friend to read over. She used to work in the adoption field and now works in the end-of-life (hospice) field. She said the questions/responses she hears now in response to dying people and their families are different than the ones she heard as an adoption counselor--but they are just as inappropriately simplistic.

If you think that's a tough question to handle, try having a miscarriage at 20 weeks. If you're in the hospital, they ask if you want to hold the baby (of course), they take the baby's foot prints, ask you how you want to handle the body, etc. It's been many years and I still cry about the loss sometimes. NOBODY around you knows how to handle your loss. I received "Get Well" cards, etc. I was not sick, I lost my baby!

I'm sorry for people who are hurt by others, I realize it's unintentional and hopefully articles like this will help others.

"Likewise, despite my having a genetic bone disorder with a 50 percent inheritance rate, bearing children has been for me much more than the next logical step after marriage. It became clear, after years of discernment, struggle, and questioning, that God was calling me to biological motherhood."

I hope this question is not too personal, but if God was calling you to biological motherhood, as you claim, why did God give you a genetic disorder likely to be transmitted to any biological children? Could you explain this apparent discrepancy -- and tell us how you can be certain that you are not mistaking a personal desire for a directive from God?

How far can a genetic disease be taken as a sign *in favor* of biological reproduction? When any children are 50% likely to be infected? 75% likely? When the disease is 50% likely to be fatal? 75% fatal?

The question should ALWAYS be "what is God telling me to do?"...no matter if you are infertile/fertile, healthy/diseased, etc. As soon as someone knows they are being directed by God to start a family, they should then ask "how God?"

God wants to stretch our faith and bring us closer to Him by using the impossible, the painful and even the "irrational." As Christians we need to stop making decisions based on our own understanding and relinquish control into the hands of the All-Knowing. Remember, His ways are not our ways and you will seek Him and find Him when you seek Him with all your heart. Neither adoption nor natural birth need to be the first response but "what does God want me to do."

Kathleen - I don't believe that God "gave" me a genetic disorder. If you want to know more about that, you can follow the final link in my bio above and read the piece I wrote for CT a couple of weeks ago specifically about how I view my genetic disease in relation to God. I simply do not accept the idea that God grants illness, disease and disability to serve his purposes. As for how I determined my call and all that--there's no way I can answer that in such a short space. But that's exactly why I'm writing a book on all this! It will be out in Fall 2011, and in the meantime I deal with a lot of the book topics on my Choices That Matter blog. And finally, I agree with the next commenter, Jennifer, that God's ways are not our ways. We may rationally think "people with genetic disease shouldn't endanger their children by taking the risk of passing it on." But sometimes God asks us to do what is not rational in the world's view. I can never be 100% sure what God desires for me--I am only human. But I made the best decisions I could based on the evidence. And I have three amazing children, one of whom has my disease, which is painful and hard--but I will never regret having her or my other two. Thanks for your response.

I have been an adoptive parent now for over 40 years. I have recently begun looking into Google at adult Adoptee Anger, Adoptee's Natural Mother, &/or Father), Adoptee Rights, Adoptee Crime, etc. I am shocked and deeply sorrowful over how ignorant I have been of the complex ramifications of adoption.

Over the years I tried to imagine how I would feel if I had the hole/vacuum in my identity that my adopted children do, even though they gave me no outward expression of this fact. I had no idea how to identify with this issue in my children's hearts. Still, I would weep at times, trying to imagine what the decision to separate must have cost the birth mothers of our sons.

Struggles of my adopted Korean niece (ours are caucasian) caused me to begin this inquiry. Her description of her pain was so revealing but totally confusing to me. What she told me was that she loved her parents and 5 (blond) birthed siblings with all her heart. That she had the most loving, supportive, wonderful parents and brother and sisters in all the world. She wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING!!!

She said, NEVERTHELESS, it is for her, an unthinkably horrible and hideous nightmare experience being an adopted child/person!!! She gave me a book to read about the primal wound and I began reading more and more about the many sides of adoption. And my heart began to break for the natural mothers (and fathers) and their children no matter who they are or where they are from. Both suffer enormous enduring pain from being torn apart no matter what the reason.

Thank you for your insightful discussion of this issue. As an adoptive parent, I feel it is wrong to paint the path to adoption as an easy one. It is also wrong to ignore the lifelong implications of that decision.

While adoption is a positive experience for many adoptive families, others struggle with their decision. This includes the potential for attachment issues, as well as the need to address the child's losses associated with adoption. These often include the loss of birth relatives who are no longer part of their life, and even the simple connection of looking like your relatives. Bonding with an adoptive child isn't always automatic or easy. Adoptive parents need education and support to prepare them for what they may face.

So when we make the decision to adopt sound like an easy solution, we do a disservice to potential adoptive parents. They need to have the time to explore this option in depth before making a decision.

Thanks again for raising these issues.

Hi Sarah,

I understand your pain and struggle. But, I must say that adoption although not a no-brainer in many situations it can still be no-brainer. In some sense you sound very much like the Christians during the civil war who felt that for some reason God had allowed blacks to be slaves and that God will change that when time comes. In my view adoption is indeed a no-brainer. No doubt, there are complexities involved, but yet it is a clean way to help those in need. It is very much doing for the least of these.

Kishan

Very thought-provoking, but for me, this post raises more questions than it answers (which may be the point).

1) Your opening points seem quite muddled to me. First, your point about the "myth of unwanted children" would be more convincing, except for the issues highlighted in a recent issue of The Economist.

In paragraph 5, are you suggesting that adoption and creating healthy societies are mutually exclusive? As a professional in international relief and development, virtually the only thing those in my field universally agree on is that economic growth and the development of just and effective institutions takes a long time. What then is to be done for orphans in the interim?

2) I am not well-educated in issues surrounding assisted reproduction, so forgive my ignorance, but aren't the obstacles to assisted reproduction as high, if not higher than those for adoption? Your thoughts here give me the impression that you are arguing that adoption is a consistently more difficult road to walk. Is that actually what you are arguing, or have I misconstrued your position?

3) Finally, what are your views regarding adoption vis a vis abortion? Specifically, is it legitimate to argue that an increase in the demand for adoptions and the implicit lowering of costs for birth mothers would lower the demand for abortions? If so, what are the implications for assisted reproduction?

Thank you for taking the time to read this tome and your thoughts.

Hi Jonathan - Great questions. Keep in mind that this was a very short piece focused on one main idea: The question "Why don't you just adopt?" is overused, misguided and perpetuates some false assumptions about adoption--that adoption is simple and straightforward, and that it is morally superior to assisted reproduction. I wrote this to counter those assumptions, not provide a thorough discussion of adoption, which would require much more than a blog post. To answer your questions specifically: 1) I did not mean to suggest that adoption and development are mutually exclusive, nor that development is always superior to adoption. Adoption is a great response under the right circumstances. I was, again, countering the assumptions that people make when they say "Why don't you just adopt?" and go on to paint people as selfish because they choose to spend money conceiving biological children instead of helping needy children. Questioners assume that because a) the world has plenty of needy children and b) people want children, then c) people who want children can just go get one of those needy ones. And that's just not true. Needy children do not equal adoptable children. And the blurry line between "I don't want my child" and "I can't care for my child" raises some moral questions for Christians. There is potential for exploitation in a system in which desperate parents relinquish their children and better-off parents are looking for children to adopt. Which is NOT to say that adoption is necessarily exploitative, just that we need to be cautious and aware. I was arguing against a simplistic view that sees adoption as always providing an easy, win-win solution for needy children. 2)I was arguing that the obstacles to adoption are just as significant as those to assisted reproduction, even if the obstacles themselves are different. Again, I was criticizing the question that assumes that adoption is simple and straightforward, in comparison to the expense and effort involved in assisted reproduction. None of it is easy. 3) I don't feel that I know enough to answer this one. My expertise is in assisted reproduction, and my problems with "the question" stem from seeing it pop up so very often in discussion of assisted reproduction. So again, I was arguing against the question, not arguing about the value of adoption. I will say this: My gut feeling is that if adoption, for whatever reason, became easier, less expensive, etc., then there would probably be more people who would choose adoption instead of assisted reproduction. But not a whole lot more. More adoptions would not put the fertility industry out of business. People pursue assisted reproduction for very powerful reasons related to biology, desire, cultural expectations, and more. I don't think that really answers your question, but I don't want to make guesses about things I don't know enough about!

It all comes down to "the question," and why I wish people would stop asking it. But, as I made clear in the last sentence of my piece, that's not because I don't want people to talk and think about adoption, but because I don't want people to make and perpetuate false assumptions about the ease and moral superiority of adoption. Those assumptions can be pretty hurtful to people who are struggling with reproductive decisions. The question doesn't help.

There you go--my own tome in response to yours! Thanks for the questions. And for the link to the Economist article, which I will definitely read. Always looking for new information.

I second what Cindy said, "I agree that we can't foist our adoption agendas on those who are infertile. However, I wonder if anyone has ever stopped to think how watching friends go through elaborate, expensive measures to have a biological child while rejecting or ignoring the possibility adoption feels to those of us who are adopted."

That said, I do want to second something this article sort of implied (or just made me think of lol). I Hate when people act as if adoptive parents are saints who somehow "saved" this child from a life of pain and trauma. Perhaps they have... and as an adoptee I can definitely say my parents are as close to Saints as I will ever meet. However, I have met some really prideful adoptive parents, as if their children wouldn't have turned out so great if it wasn't for them.

I have not been able to have my own biological children and I am now 46 years old. I have heard the questions "Why don't you adopt?" sooooo many times. People don't realize what a difficult and expensive process adoption is. It is truly overwhelming! It has been heartbreaking not to have my "own" children and to see others who have children and abuse and/or neglect them. It is much too easy for some people to have children and much too hard for others - I hope someday I will see the reasoning...

I agree with the author's suggestions of sensitivity when bringing up adoption.

I pray more Christians will consider foster care. Lot's of kids and their struggling parents need it. If you have the ability and spririt to foster parent it is truly a great example of the sacrificial "purpose driven life." Fostering has great frustrations, but also great rewards.

Some foster parents are able to eventually adopt some of the kids they foster and love, but I don't advise it for parents who just want to "posess" a child as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I agree with the poster who wrote that adoption is always very hard for the adopted child. If you adopt a child from foster care who can never return to his or her original family however you are becoming family to a child who has not other option, and you can use your faith to help the child find Grace.

Simply because you are unable to have children biologically doesn't mean you cannot have children, I think it is fine to adopt children nurture them, educate them to be adults who contribute to society in a positive way. There are so many kids, orphans, unwanted, left without a future b/c of various circumstances.

Please, please, please, let us finally retire the term "natural mother" or "natural father" (or "real mother/father"). I'm surprised to see adoptive mothers in this thread using that term. The proper term is "biological mother" or "biological father".

Words matter (as this article points out). I am an adoptive mother, and there is nothing "unnatural" or "unreal" about adoptive parents! My husband and I struggled with infertility for years before I asked God "how?" and his answer was adoption.

Lastly,regarding the writer's statement that "For every mother who weeps in relief as her child leaves for a better life, another mother weeps in anguish that she felt compelled to make such a choice"... in my experience, these reactions are not mutually exclusive and are often both experienced (sometimes simultaneously) by the birthmother.

My problem with the "Why don't you just adopt?" question is that for some reason many people appear to believe that the adoption process is easy. It can be as long, arduous and expensive as infertility treatment so it's not an easy answer. Also, adoption does not heal the wound of infertility. Adoption provides a home and family to a child in need, but it does not heal the pain the infertile couple has endured. Suggesting adoption as a response to infertility is like prescribing cough medicine for a sprained ankle.

I find the response "adoption can be just as expensive or emotionally difficult or overwhelming or time-consuming etc as IVF" an unsatisfactory answer. First of all, when you factor all of the costs into consideration, IVF is more expensive -- in terms of overall resources (not just sticker price to the couple) -- than adoption. That itself should induce a bias towards adoption. Second, adoption may have the _potential_ for wandering into ethically problematic territory (eg., exploitation, etc) but it is not an _inherent_ part of the process. IVF _inherently_ involves discarding embroys -- the only way to do it "better" would be to transfer one embryo at a time, which is logistically impossible simply because an IVF center would never agree to it.

I agree with the central premise of this article, that the question "why don't you just adopt" can be glib. But that doesn't make it the wrong _first_ question to ask.

When does taking care of orphans become all about us??

I will never have children but God has called my husband and I to adoption.

IVF is inappropriate for Christians because God has already provided us with the perfect calling and alternative, adoption. Sorry to be harsh, but seriously we need to stop being so self-focused. God can heal the wounds of infertility (not through of adoption, but rather seeing a new purpose and calling in our lives).

Adoption isn't an easy soltuion to the pain of not being able to conceive. I don't believe because you can't conceive you automatically have to adopt. Adoption is a personal choice. I know many couples who have precious children through IVF - which is a blessing from God. I also know one couple who has an adopted child - which is also a blessing from God. We have to take the route we feel is best for our own family. Why adopt a child if you cannot accept the fact it isn't a bio child. Why go through IVF if you can easily accept an adopted child into your home. It's a personal choice, both with pro's & con's. If a lady has a deep desire to feel the baby move in her womb, give birth & have the genitic connection & can't conceive on her own, then IVF is for her. If a lady feels like those connections means nothing, then adoption is for her. We shouldn't judge anyone for their personal decision in this area. A woman should not feel punished for having the desire to conceive a child. I know IVF is taking drastic measures to have children, but there is a medical reason as to why she can't conceive. If someone were dying would they stay at home & let God have His way or would they take advantage of the medical field that He has created for us. IVF is a wonderful way to have children, as is adoption! Both are precious blessings. If God is against IVF there would not be so many people having children this way. He is the one who breathes life into the babies. They aren't robots, they are precious children. I believe more people should open their homes to oprhans, no matter how many children they have. However, adoption isn't easy. Some agencies restrictions are too harsh & people can't qualify (bad credit, past criminal activity, divorce, etc.). I understand they have to make sure the child is being placed into a good home, but I also think the restrictions on the PAST can be a little too harsh. I can see why some people chose IVF due to the restrictions.

Whatever YOU decide to do, don't let anyone else make this personal decision for you! Adoption isn't for everyone & IVF isn't for everyone.

I have a sister that was not fortunate to have a baby and they've decided to adopt. At first it was an argument among families but later on things were settled. The idea of adopting a child have brought joy to the lives of the couple. Now they are happily living in Thailand.

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