Her.meneutics: Marriage: A Dying to the Self

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« Top 10 Posts of the Past 30 Days | Main | Perplexed by the Pill »

May 4, 2010

Marriage: A Dying to the Self

Paul Tripp's What Did You Expect? refreshingly goes beyond gender roles to arrive at the crux of marital problems: serving the kingdom of self.

Lynn Roush, guest blogger

During our engagement, my husband and I dutifully pursued premarital counseling. A well-meaning seminary professor and his wife graciously walked us through some of the highlights and lowlights of their marriage and how they had addressed issues. We covered faithfulness, forgiveness, and the roles of a husband and wife. But what I remember most about the evening was feeling that I already had marriage figured out. We were both seminary students who loved God, knew Scripture, and had great communication skills. That, coupled with our mutual love, meant that we were could do marriage “right” and avoid the sinkholes that had doomed other relationships.

Twelve years later, I am still, by God’s grace, happily married, but I continue to be confronted with the extent of my foolishness in those early days. I have faced unfulfilled expectations, disappointments, and unmet needs, just like every other married person has. Minimally, I could have better anticipated the hard seasons of marriage if I had understood the biblical concepts fleshed out in Paul David Tripp’s new book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage (Crossway).

Tripp's biblical wisdom burrows beneath the layers of roles, communication mishaps, and felt needs that are the typical driving forces of Christian marriage how-to manuals, and arrives at the fundamental root of all marital problems: who or what we worship. To date, this is the first Christian book on marriage I have read that does not use the words submission or headship. Nor does it refer to the most classic passage on marriage, Ephesians 5. There are no listening techniques or explanations of gender differences. The kingdom model that Tripp describes transcends gender, roles, and the “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” ideas that pervade most approaches to marital troubles.

Tripp instead starts with the most basic question each of us will answer in our lives: “Whose kingdom?” “We are kingdom-oriented people," Tripp writes. "We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms . . . When we live for the kingdom of self, our decisions, thoughts, plans, actions, and words are directed by personal desire [and] we seek to surround ourselves with people who will serve our kingdom purposes." Conflict occurs when the kingdom of self collides with our spouse’s kingdom, and when they do not acquiesce to our wants, needs, and feelings. Two people pursuing their own kingdoms throughout a marriage will eventually end in bloody battle. But what if both people decide to submit to God’s kingdom, where Christ reigns supreme and where joy, meaning, and life are found? A heart reorientation of this magnitude is where real change begins, and the conflict of a marriage becomes an “opportunity to exit the small space of the kingdom of self and to begin to enjoy the beauty and benefits of the kingdom of God.”

This paradigm shift breathes hope into any marriage, especially those filled with disappointment, anger, and despair. Tripp explains what we all need to grasp, that “[God] has designed marriage to expose the neediness of your heart and in so doing, to bring you to the end of yourself." In other words, it is an act of God’s rescuing grace that we are brought to places in our marriage where we cannot depend on intelligence, communication skills, or tactics of manipulation. Relational change occurs only when our worship is properly aligned with the God who jealously pursues our hearts and who calls us to total dependence.

The question that must be answered next is, How do I now repair a marriage that has been torn apart by two warring kingdoms? The rest of Tripp’s book thoughtfully and biblically describes how two people can rebuild their marriage by developing a culture of ongoing reconciliation based on six commitments (listed at the end of this review). These commitments assume that both people are hopeless sinners who are constantly tempted to operate out of self-righteousness, self-love, and self-protection. We are then given practical (though not easy) steps to uproot patterns of relating and replace them with new ones, the most important of which is examining how trust has been broken and what needs to be done to rebuild trust, which is vital to the success of any marriage.

Perhaps the most challenging truth that Tripp encourages us to embrace is that our greatest marital problem is ourselves. The Bible continually warns us of our own self-deception and requires us to accept that we do not see ourselves the way God sees us. We will always rise to our own defense and succumb to blaming someone else and believing the best about ourselves. Not surprisingly, God specifically uses the marital relationship to reveal the sin of self-righteousness. A marriage that is doomed to fail can be transformed when even just one person begins to see themselves in this light and confesses with genuine humility the ways they have damaged the relationship. Grace is available in full measure when we recognize this and let God examine our hearts so thoroughly that we are willing to accept whatever it is he reveals to us.

What Did You Expect? is a discourse on the transforming power of grace, offered to anyone who has come to the end of themselves. Whether you are just now realizing your need for help, your marriage is full of conflict and riddled by anger and bitterness, or you are living in silent cohabitation, Tripp’s work will open your eyes to the redeeming work that God desires to accomplish in your life. Most of us didn’t expect marriage to be as hard as it is, but God’s sovereign plan includes such difficulties for the purpose of aligning our hearts to his big-sky kingdom and rescuing us from our own.

Paul Tripp's six marriage commitments:
Commitment 1: We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
Commitment 2: We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
Commitment 3: We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
Commitment 4: We will commit to building a relationship of love.
Commitment 5: We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
Commitment 6: We will work to protect our marriage.

//

Lynn Roush is a counselor at The Crossing, an Evangelical Presbyterian church in Columbia, Missouri. She received her master's degree in counseling psychology from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. She has written about New Year's resolutions and Jon and Kate Plus 8 for Her.meneutics.

Comments

I haven't read this book--but if this article is a true indication of what this book is about I'm definitely putting it in my "must read" list.

Finally, a book about marriage that rightfully gives headship to God rather than a flawed man and does not assume that because of a woman's nurturing disposition that she has a greater moral capacity either.

The best way to make things work is to reject any idea that one gender is innately spiritually superior to the other. Being co-heirs does not deny our natural complementarity. But neither does it assume any spiritual or social dominion over the opposite sex.

Any other way opens wide the door to abuse--either outright abuse or abuse via stealthy condescension. Neither sex should face perpetual capitulation to the other. To do so is to live under the curse rather than living free from it.

What JJ said.

Thank you for this review.

Thanks for this. I am a newly wed and God has definitely put this concept in my heart, right from the start. I see it in myself and I will def grab the book!

What an excellent review! After 35 years of marriage, I can tell you that this author is right on! Selfishness is at the root of all marriage failures. If you're looking out for him and he's looking out for you, and you're both looking up to God, everyone is covered!

Thank you for a great article!

Thanks for the great article. This appears to be a wonderful book, with a timely message for current times.

Sounds like an interesting book. But does the author address how to handle the situation if one person in the marriage is committed to the headship of Christ and the other isn't? That seems to me to be a major issue for many couples.

I don't agree that this message is especially timely or is just suited for the current times. That would suggest that this view towards God and towards equal submission are not actually transcendent Biblical precepts but are really just an outgrowth of current cultural mores--thus subject to mutability.

We definitely need to be aware of how certain Biblically based beliefs manifest themselves in the culture--is the fruit good or bad--that is, is the Biblical reasoning sound as we observe the results of it. If it is not then we must re-examine the scriptures, our logic, and our motives. But having said that we must also guard cautiously against any belief that originates not from scripture but from a cultural source.

I could go on at length about how I believe the "whole counsel" of God (not just a few isolated scriptures) supports my belief in egalitarianism or as I prefer to see it, non-hierarchical complementarianism. But that might involve several pages of text--I've already been too long winded. So I will leave this organization's name and website (they helped me tremendously with my questions in this area):

Christians for Biblical Equity

http://www.cbeinternational.org/

As a side note--here is an excerpt from their statement of belief:

We believe in the family, celibate singleness, and faithful heterosexual marriage as God's design.
________________________________________

And like Teresa, I'd also like to know how to handle that particular disparity of belief and if the book in question addresses that issue.

And since I forgot to say it in my first post--thanks for the great review. :)

I haven't read the book yet but I intend to get it right away, not only for myself but also to give as a gift to a certain young couple, in the hope of saving their marriage.
The problem with marriage, today more than ever, is most people are not prepared for marriage. We spend years training how to earn a living but for marriage, which is supposed to be for a lifetime, zero.
JR.

Note to JR-
I don't think that Tripp's approach in this book nullifies or rejects the biblically described differences in gender and roles. He is merely addressing the more fundamental issue of our heart submitting to God first. He says that "any significant change in a marriage must begin vertically before it can change horizontally." In other words, the most foundational failure in marriage is not that we do not submit or love our spouse first, but that we do not submit and love God first. I encourage you to read the book to decide for yourself, but I know that Tripp embraces the whole council of Scripture.

What Tripp wrote about "rising to our defense" and blaming others isn't just applicable to a specific time or culture. Rather, we can see it in the first marriage, when Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit, and Eve blaming the serpent. They needed grace, both from God and each other, rather than hiding beneath their fig-leaf self-righteousness.

I know I didn't have a clue as to the depth of my selfishness, capacity for blaming other people, and attempts at self-righteousness until I got married. (Ten years ago on the 13th!)

The sad fact is that a person who is entrenched in the kingdom of self is not going to be able to see nor desire to see the benefit of the six marriage commitments outlined at the end of the article. By very definition, self-absorbed people don't see their own sin very clearly. This is particularly hard when one spouse sees, wants to change, and the other has no interest in submitting to God and giving up the keys to the self kingdom. If this is your situation, I have only ever found one helpful book: "Thriving Despite A Difficult Marriage" (authors are brothers by the last name of Misja). I hope it might bring hope to those whose spouses would never cooperate or be interested in the "answers" in the above book.

Yes, we are all selfish people but I believe that if we continue to emphasize that we are only reinforcing it. Take some time to read Philippians 4 (God's Word Translation). We are supposed to focus on the truth if we are a new creation in Christ. Get rid of the old grave clothes.

I lived the submission theory for 30 years. Each time I was abused or my children were abused, when there was no money for food or medical because my former huband gambled, I would go to my church and ask what I should do. Repeatedly, I was told to "submit." Finally, I was asked by my pastor if I was willing to lay down my life for my husband, i.e., to let him beat me to death.

The true submission between husband and wife that Christ speaks of is based on what Christ did. He submitted to the Father and sacrificed his life for us. The husband's act/attitude of submission is to sacrifice for his wife and family. The wife's act/attitude in submission is to respect and honor her husband. For too long we have preached a one sided "submission" and in doing that, we have presented only half the truth and placed made "submission" a burden for women to bear.

I married a Japanese girl and I am actually a Buddhist. I think marriage is becoming increasingly difficult with the freedoms and lifestyle we enjoy. In my case cultural differences and the expression of love or lack there of makes being happy together very difficult.

This book sounds like a breath of fresh air. But I have also heard of the book someone else mentioned, "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" and for those with a one sided commitment that may address their issues more directly. When we were married almost 38 years ago, we had in mind the picture of a triangle with God at the top of it. As we drew closer to Him, we knew we would grow closer to each other and that's exactly what has happened. The spiritual component to marriage is fundamental and if we are to express through marriage what Christ wants demonstrated to the world about his love, the most basic way to do that is through self denial, just as that is the way to do it in any other arena of life. That goes so completely against our culture that most of us never consider it. I hope this book will open the eyes of many Christian couples and that we will begin to demonstrate to the world around us that we are different rather than looking just like our non-Christian counterparts. Thank you for an excellent review.

jj, just so you know, tripp is complementarian (or a 'hierarchalist' - unless he has 'switched'). also, complementarians claim to appeal to the whole council of Scripture as well (even placing it even above cultural contexts, something i see many egalitarian 'exegetes' do).

anything by grudem (i think he's written like 1000 books on this issue) is a good start, or even kostenberger & schreiner's seminal work on 1 tim. 2. for those who are lost in what 'complementarianism' or 'egalistarianism' are, see:

http://www.cbmw.org/

i agree w/ tripp as well, jj, that the issue is that both parties are self-serving sinners who need to look to Christ first.

in Christ & for His supreme glory
ryan

This is a heartwarming story great post thank you. The good news is that in a healthy relationship you will take turns dying. Neither of you will always be on the cross, but someone always needs to be on the cross. We’ve found it good practice for each of us to always be ready to go first.

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