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May 10, 2010Toying with Adultery?
'Runaway mom' Tiffany Tehan's story reminds us that no one is immune from the temptation of infidelity.
Tiffany Tehan, a pastor’s daughter and graduate of an Ohio evangelical college, went missing Saturday, April 17. Local authorities deemed the 31-year-old mother’s absence suspicious: her green Ford Explorer was found in a park near her home with a flat tire and the keys in the ignition. Husband David, who was home with their 13-month-old daughter, reported Tiffany missing when she didn’t return from a day of shopping.
Family, friends, and parishioners at the nondenominational Patterson Park Church, where the Tehans attend, began canvassing the community with missing persons fliers and search teams. They tirelessly combed the area for days. A highly publicized nationwide search ensued. On April 22, authorities found Tiffany with 42-year-old Tre Hutcherson, also married, at a hotel in Miami Beach, Florida. Tiffany and Tre said they ran away to start a new life.
Media outlets and blogs lit up when Tiffany’s whereabouts surfaced. They dubbed her “the runaway mom,” questioning how a mom could abandon her child and take such extreme measures to cover up an affair. Some asked why her story in particular made headlines, as men who run away from their families are rarely greeted with such public attention and outcry. Others were just appalled that Tiffany’s husband wanted her back.
It’s easy enough to indict Tiffany for her poor choices. But her story reminded me of how easily any one of us can tumble into a physical or emotional affair. After all, Jesus said that our lustful looks are spiritually equivalent to committing adultery (Matt. 5:28). And it’s not just men or those in difficult marriages who are tempted. Christian women in particular may be less inclined to admit temptations and sins because they predict stigma and humiliation. With Tiffany’s situation in mind, I reviewed the disciplines I practice to help me embrace fidelity to my husband of 10 years, Shawn:
(1) Be honest with God, myself, and others. Shawn is my best friend, and we have an extraordinary marriage. Yet should I, on rare occasions, find myself thinking about or attracted to another man, I admit it to myself and to God. I then immediately call my friend Sue to confess. She is wise, gracious, and will keep me accountable. If thoughts were to gain a foothold in my life, I would tell Shawn. Shawn and I have discussed all of these steps.
In addition, if another man hits on me, I immediately tell Shawn and we discuss possible responses. He does the same with me. I’ve had that conversation with him several times in our ten-year marriage (mostly having to do with men in the workplace).
(2) Rehearse the consequences of sin. When tempted to mentally dwell on another man, I commence an internal dialogue. I remind myself that if I indulge in the thought of another and do not take my thoughts captive, then I’ve started down the road to infidelity. Once down that road, I am liable to lose my mind — my judgments would become impaired and I’d rationalize behavior that I’d never dream of justifying otherwise. I also contemplate the effects that unfaithfulness would have on my husband, toddler daughter, and web of influence. Who knows what waves of destruction my sin might unleash in others' lives?
(3) Cherish my husband daily. I intentionally thank God for Shawn every day, and I contemplate Shawn’s many wonderful attributes. This discipline is especially necessary if I'm in a foul mood or if we’ve had a spat. At those times, it is easy for me to focus on what irks me about him. If I start brooding on the negative, I seek to overcome evil with good by dwelling on the good, the true, and the beautiful in my marriage, family, and husband. I also work harder to do little things that express love, thoughtfulness, and consideration.
(4) Abide in Christ. Part of abiding in Christ is communal, so I stay connected to the church through weekly worship, regular acts of service, and meaningful, incarnational interaction with other believers. Personally, I strive to be an obedient, prayerful Christ-follower who is immersed in God’s Word. I am keenly aware that I am most susceptible to downfall when I wander away from the Shepherd and Christian community, struggling alone and in secret. I know that faithless thoughts and temptations usually shrivel when brought into kingdom light.
(5) Watch out for external influences. I am a predominantly visual person, so I guard what comes through my eye gate. I avoid fashion magazines and certain websites and television shows. Otherwise, I’m prone to obsess about clothes and visual appeal. Such media foster discontent within me. Also, I do not cultivate relationships with old flames either in person or on the Internet. Nor do I spend much time alone with men, although on certain occasions I’ve had to ride alone in a car with other men for work-related reasons. Conversely, I thoroughly enjoy my husband, so I try to spend as much time with him as possible; we do a lot of ministry together.
Tehan found herself in a sea of infidelity, undoubtedly pulled further and further away from her family by a riptide of seemingly insignificant yet unfaithful choices. Tiffany told Inside Edition that she didn’t think she would be missed. How wrong she was. And how wrong we’d be to believe we are incapable of such infidelity.
Marlena Graves (M.Div., Northeastern Seminary) is a resident director at Cedarville University. She blogs at His Path Through the Wilderness, and has written for Her.meneutics about friendship between men and women, the sin of self-promotion, and same-sex attraction.
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Comments
It's nice to see this subject treated with honesty and with specific practical steps. Thank you!
Posted By: Sheila | May 10, 2010 2:51 PM
Let me tell you as a former adulterer it is never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, worth it.
While Jesus forgives the moment one repents, the effects of such sin last a lifetime. The past can be forgiven, but we cannot change our history. It is so much better to ask for grace before hand than forgiveness after.
Posted By: Adam | May 10, 2010 6:23 PM
Thank you for sharing these practical steps to help marriages.
Posted By: Anna | May 10, 2010 6:40 PM
Thank you for the good biblical and practical advice. We need to be reminded of how to deal with temptation and trust in Christ to help us not give in to it.
Posted By: Frank | May 11, 2010 7:00 AM
Marlena, This is well stated and excellent advice.
Posted By: Christine | May 11, 2010 8:25 AM
"How wrong we’d be to believe we are incapable of such infidelity."
Amen! I've learned never to say, "I would never do that."
And that knowledge keeps my guard up. You suggest good practical steps!
Posted By: Tim | May 11, 2010 10:21 PM
This story is sad in so many levels. Where to begin? When a married woman disappears, the husband is automatically implicated. Just how it is. When a mom leaves behind a child, you think the worst. So, why was she surprised of the massive manhunt. Motherhood did not bring her joy and she saw it as a burden. It was overwhelming and she is not that young, but very immature. On the interview w/Dr. Phil, she said she 'cares deeply' for Tre. She did not mention love, yet is giving up her daughter for others to care for her. She is burdening others with her responsibility. She quoted her spiritual upbringing for failing to communicate with her husband about possible divorce, yet her spiritual upbring did not stop her from committing adultery and abandoning her baby. Sad!
Posted By: Elsie | May 12, 2010 11:50 AM
What a load of crap. Tehan is quoted as saying that she did it because she didn't feel that divorce was an option because of her religion. So if you rule out divorce and you rule out adultery then people should just suffer miserably until they die because that's the way "God" wants them to live?
This is what happens when people avoid reality in favor of the fantasy they call "spirituality". I doubt this - or anything else in the world - happened because someone didn't pray enough.
If "media foster discontent" in you then you need to work on yourself in examining why you feel that way, not ignore it and pray harder. If a man hits on you, you should deal with the man honestly and directly, not run away and tattle to your husband to take care of you. People who have stringently religious upbringings do not know how to deal with real life situations once their "faith" wavers or disappears.
It's very nice that you truly love and enjoy your husband, but not only was that clearly not Tiffany Tehan's situation, she also didn't feel that she would be accepted for talking about or acting upon it. She chose the wrong path in staging a disappearance and running away with the guy. But she chose it because she was raised in a religion that made it seem necessary to her, since any other path - like normal people who understand reality and how to deal with it would take - was blocked.
I have no problem with people who worship a God, even though I don't really share their viewpoints. But I do have a problem when they look to that God to solve all of their problems and issues without using logic or compassion to do it instead. It's often the religious zealots who are guilty of the worst transgressions, and each one of them blames the moral rectitude and judgment of others in making their choices.
If you're truly in Tehan's situation, just own up to being human, get a divorce, and move on. If people hate you for it, it's their problem. You can't go through life worried you're going to hurt people if you hurt yourself doing it - but you can go through life without lying and deceiving and blaming others for your choicse. Many of us who are happy and successful have done it by keeping our own self interests supreme, not foregone them because of some ancient biblical writings or what someone else interprets as the will of a fictional supreme being.
You can feel free to write whatever you want here, but don't presume that someone in Tiffany Tehan's situation could have avoided it simply by doing what you would have done. They're entirely different beasts.
Posted By: KHat | May 12, 2010 2:10 PM
The second suggestion is so critical. I tell myself the "whole story" when I'm tempted to do anything. Tell yourself the whole, unedited version of what will happen once you give into temptation. Here's my post about it: http://livewithflair.blogspot.com/2010/05/when-temptation-comes-tell-yourself.html
Posted By: Heather Holleman | May 13, 2010 4:12 PM
We don't say crop in this site! ;) I don't think Tiff was so terrified of making a decision on her marriage because of her Christian upbringing. She just didn't have that much common sense or maturity. Don't blame Christianity. Besides, what was she so terrified of ? Her family was concerned with her well being. They were very forgiving, even her husband!!! He says he wants her back! Reall? Yes, everyone wants to change something in their lives, but putting your family through heck? Going from one 'bad' situation to a much worse one? (I doubt Tre is capable of giving her happiness.)
Posted By: Elsie | May 24, 2010 9:32 AM
I share Adam's opinion that even when God forgives you and forgets your sin, the memory of what you've done can linger (unfortunately). Better not to get involved at all than to be hunted by regrets.
Again, some men pretend it is okay for them to fool around, but will not tolorate anyone near their wives. Women beware of dogs! Some of these relationships start innocently and then before you know it, you have crossed the border.
Ruby
Posted By: Ruby | May 25, 2010 5:53 AM
Adultery is clearly defined with the holy bible. Even if the man and wife are in consent to the acts of adultery, in essence they are still sinners.
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