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June 30, 2010

Confessions of a Church-Skipping Mom

Is it better to attend church burnt out and stressed, or occasionally stay home but miss corporate worship?

Ellen Painter Dollar

Several Sundays ago my kids were playing outside when we called them to get in the car for church. They stalled. They whined. They asked, “Why do we always have to go to church?” My responses became less patient and my words sharper, until I slammed my hand against the steering wheel and said through clenched teeth, “Going to church is what we do. Get used to it.”

We all arrived at church grumpy — an unfortunately common state on Sunday mornings. The following Sunday, we used the fact that it was Youth Recognition Sunday (often a particularly long, dull service) as an excuse to skip church. Now that it’s summer, we, like many families, will probably find more excuses over the next two months to not attend. We’ll be away some weekends, the kids have no church school, and we relish breaks from getting everyone up and out the door by a certain time. Judging by the sparsely occupied pews in many churches during this season, we aren't the only family who skips church more often in the summer.

A few years ago, such a lax attitude toward church attendance was unthinkable to me. We were die-hard churchgoers, in the pews every Sunday barring illness or vacation. But being a die-hard means that you are given jobs, and when you do those jobs well, you are given more jobs. Sunday worship ceased to be a time of renewal; it was work. When we joined our current parish two years ago, I was determined to be more deliberate and cautious about volunteering. Being less involved makes Sunday mornings more enjoyable, but it also makes it easier to skip Sunday services altogether because we have fewer responsibilities.

Our kids are thrilled when we take a Sunday off. But our newly relaxed attitude toward church attendance raises important questions: Are we modeling a nebulous spirituality, teaching our kids to pick and choose from among religious practices while rejecting anything that requires real commitment? Is it possible to engage in life-giving, sacrificial commitment without falling into energy-draining, resentment-breeding burnout? Perhaps most important: How do I instill faith in my children, and how important is church attendance in that endeavor?

A living faith requires both communal obligations and private disciplines. We as a family pray before dinner, read Bible stories, and teach the religious meaning of major holidays with traditions such as Advent candles and Lenten mite boxes. When one of my kids is struggling with disappointment or fear, I offer prayer as the best thing to do when you don’t know what else to do.

Is all of this enough for their budding faith to withstand occasional Sunday mornings spent digging in the garden or reading a good book instead of at church?

I’m not sure. My own faith journey has been unpredictable. I grew up in the Episcopal Church, the daughter of a talented and supremely likable Episcopal clergyman. I am an Episcopalian again, but only after years of trying other styles of worship — an evangelical college fellowship, an urban coffeehouse church. Although my father has influenced me, my faith journey has been my own, just as my kids’ faith journeys must be their own. I can provide a foundation, but I cannot control which people, places, or experiences will most influence their eventual embracing or rejection of faith.

I want to give my children all the things that experts say make children resilient and happy, then sit back knowing that they will be all right. Such assurance is impossible. A few weeks ago, I was immersed in reading Beautiful Boy, David Sheff’s haunting memoir about his son’s meth addiction, as my children played outside with the neighbors. As I read while listening to the kids’ joyful noise, I thought, “It’s not enough. None of these benefits — unstructured outdoor play, caring parents, a safe and friendly neighborhood — are certain to protect them from addiction, illness, betrayal, despair, or failure.” I want faith, along with family dinners, reliable routines, healthy friendships, and loving parental supervision, to inoculate my children against all that would harm them and all the ways they can harm themselves. But there is no such vaccine.

I can only hope that our faith and practice, including going to church often but also embracing occasional Sundays spent at home, will help our kids reach toward the light, trusting it is there even when they are swallowed up in darkness. And I do strive to hold Sundays up as a different sort of day even when we do not go to church. My personal discipline of honoring the Sabbath means no writing work, refraining from computer usage other than a quick e-mail check now and then, and only doing chores that we can do as a family, such as gardening. We spend most Sundays at home, together.

The other night, my daughter approached me and asked, “Do you have to pray to God out loud, or does God hear your prayers if they are silent?” I assured her that silence was just fine. I don’t know what she was praying about, though I have my suspicions. But this — a desire to connect with God — is really what I want for my kids. I want faith to be what we do, a way of living and seeing the world that buttresses our life together, even if we take a summer Sunday off from church now and then.

Comments

Great post and a great reminder that there is no inoculation. Going to church for the sake of going to church with a grumpy attitude only breeds religion. Embracing the occasional Sunday at home, enjoying the blessings God has given us is worshiping Him as well.My heart beats for the local church and I believe with all that's within me that we should commit to one and live in community with other believers. The Church is in fact what Jesus gave His life for, but She is not contained to the building nor to one day of the week.

Ellen, Thanks for these thoughtful reflections. I'm curious if there was an age when your kids started resisting church, or if it has been that way for as long as you can remember? I'm also curious what you think about the significance of church as a space for worship and community. We too find ourselves skipping church on a relatively regular basis (Breakfast at Wimbledon, for instance, has become an annual tradition that includes all of my non-churchgoing family members). But I wonder/worry about emphasizing the private life and connection with God over or against the communal experience of worship and fellowship, as messy, boring, and something grumpy-making it can be.
Thanks again.

Amy Julia - I could fill pages with the history of my children's relationship to church. They have resisted and complained as long as I can remember, some more than others. (I will resist naming names, but let's just say one of my children has perfected the art of persistent complaint. The persistence will serve her well some day but now it is a challenge.) I'm sure my oldest daughter didn't complain when she was our only one, but her physical issues meant we were not comfortable leaving her in the church nursery, so that put up a different barrier for us.

But when we left our former parish and joined a new one, the kids all complained about missing the old church (which they had complained about attending all along). Now they complain about going to the new church, and I'm sure if we decided to go elsewhere, they'd complain about missing our current church. It seems we can't win, and I become so tired of Sunday mornings being frantic and unpleasant.

But I also believe that being part of a community is vital for a living faith. I don't think the private disciplines are adequate. That's why it's such a struggle to know how to do church with three little people who resist it so much.

Hey i hear ya i Ellen i recently became a parent myself, For the issue of "going to church or not" i would recommend the the book So you dont want to go to church anymore its by wayne jacobsen its a womderful book which takes on issues like christian parenting to well church hope you have fun on this journey as much as I I dont offer any answers just maybe a little ease

The article tries to address an issue that is more than just going to church on Sunday, praying before meals, reading bible stories as a ritual, and praying for problems. The issue is the relationship with God: who is the center? I sense that the author approaches her spiritual walk with her and her family being the center, rather than God. When this is the case, many of the things people do will ultimately become boring and useless. If trying to "inoculate" the children is the main reason for bringing them to church, then what happens when something goes wrong? We should teach our children to enjoy the relationship with God, not to look at God as Santa Claus or an insurance company.

Thanks for all the comments. Joe - In writing about my desire to "inoculate" my kids I wasn't saying that I seek God for that reason. I was just expressing the innate heartbreak of parenthood: We want to do all we can to protect them from harm, and then we realize that no matter what we do--including going to church or not--we can't do that. In the final paragraph I was saying that what I most want is for them to know the comfort and challenge of a relationship with a God who is present in good times and bad. I think we are actually in agreement on what is fundamental--a relationship with God--and this post explores how a church community that my kids do not yet cherish contributes (or doesn't) to that fundamental goal.

I emphasize with my children that God and; therefore, church is a priority. I would assume that you would not let your kids skip school because they didn't feel like going. That doesn't mean we are legalistic about church, but we let our kids know how important it is in our lives. That being said, we are blessed to go to a church that has a great kids program, and our kids are more likely to drag us out of the house on Sunday morning than the other way around!

Reading this article, I can't help being curious about where Jesus fits into the equation. Throughout the article, the author seems to talk about faith in a generic sense, without any emphasis on Jesus Christ as the object and center of her family's faith. There are references to God, but those are somewhat vague and nebulous. I grew up in a family where skipping church would have been unthinkable unless someone was sick. We prayed every night and practiced the standard rituals for Lent and Advent. But it wasn't until I was in my mid-20s that I heard the gospel clearly prestented for the first time, and that was from a person who didn't even attend my church. At that point, I realized I had to make a decision to trust in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, even though my parents had told me I was a Christian by virtue of having been baptized as an infant. There's a cliche that states, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going into a McDonalds makes you a hamburger." As a parent, I would less concerned about dragging my kids to church than I would about ensuring that they have a clear understanding of the gospel and an authentic, life-giving relationship with Jesus.

Good article, Ellen. I wish I had relaxed about church-going when my kids were small. We have finally experienced the benefits of skipping a formal church service sometimes in order to enjoy the day, and the Lord, in a more relaxed way. We call it the 'Church Of Two Or More'. This has been so helpful in allowing our kids to see that being a Christian is about RELATIONSHIP, not fulfilling obligations. Your earlier belief that strict adherence to church attendance and intense involvement would cause a protective barrier to form between your children and the world was a belief identical to mine. That belief proved to be a puff of smoke and I was reminded that nothing but an intimate relationship with Christ would ever bring them real safety.

I believe regular church attendance, fellowship in community, is important, for little people and big people. That said, we'll miss church this Sunday. Sometimes life works out that way.

I also think it's helpful for us to learn when we're young that worshipping and honoring God isn't something we do on our terms or when it's convenient for us.

More critical, I think, is reminding ourselves, and teaching our kids, that God belongs in every aspect of our lives, 24/7, and not in that one hour at His house on Sunday morning.

Well said, Marianne! Our focus should be on cultivating a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus, not fulfilling obligations.

Interesting article. Have you tried that on Mondays. I'm sure your boss will understand the need for a family day, who wants to get up early on Monday anyway? Let the kids skip school on days when they're whiney, that's way more fun. Why would anyone choose not to join together with the family of God to give honor and praise to the Lord Jesus Christ? When the Lord of universe says meet me here - in the Word and sacrament - who are we to say "no, not today"? Attendance at worship is not about us it's about our Lord and showing our respect for him. My four children had to learn the fear of the Lord and attending worship is a key part of that. May God give you grace as you rear small children for his glory

Thanks for providing a justification for not going to church. We have spiritual friends who took your route and those of your supporters. Their children don't go to any church. We went regularly and our children attend church regularly. You are teaching your children to feel superior about NOT going to church, as are most of those leaving comments. Who is feeling smug? Am I, or are they? I'm not smug. It wasn't always easy. But it worked better in the long run.

I really don't think anyone is trying to provide a justification for not going to church. I think we are trying to say that a personal relationship with Jesus is far more important than fulfilling an obligation. The New Testament does not mention any requirement to attend public worship services every single week. One of the epistles reminds believers not to forsake assembling with one another, but the epistle does not specify how often or on what day of the week that should take place. I went to church for over 20 years without having a clear understanding of the gospel or knowing how to receive eternal life through saving faith in Christ. Today, I attend a wonderful church that clearly preaches the gospel, and I rarely miss a Sunday. But who am I to judge those who ocassionally skip a Sunday? Church has an important place in the life of faith, but knowing Jesus is far more important than mere church attendance.

Thanks for posting this. I struggle with some of the same issues. Our family regularly attends church, but we are very involved, and Sunday often doesn't feel restful. My 3 year old once told the neighbor that Mommy and Daddy work at church on Sunday. How does that fit with a Sabbath rest? I don't know.

I agree with many of the commenters that we make our children do other things that they don't like to do, such as go to school, take a bath, eat their veggies, clean up their toys, etc., so we should make them go to church, too. However, there is a danger that church just becomes something we do because it's good for us, out of habit, and not something we do because we love Jesus, out of our hearts. I don't want church to be a chore, or work. I want my kids to love going to church, and to be excited to go there. Still trying to figure out what that means.

To clarify a couple of things: We don't skip church sometimes ONLY because the kids whine. That's Parenting 101 stuff there...Kids shouldn't rule the roost. Rather, this new pattern results from a combination of our own burnout after being highly involved in every church we've attended for the past two decades, and the fact that, despite our being regular churchgoers and committed Christians for our kids' entire lives, church itself is not yet something they value. We moved to our latest church primarily b/c it has terrific kids' programs...which the kids enjoy, but which still don't compel them enough that they WANT to go.

And when we're planning to go to church on a Sunday morning (which is still most Sundays of the year), then they can complain all they want--We're going. We're just more relaxed about going under some circumstances than we used to be.

No, I don't let my kids stay home from school if they complain about it. But if they complained every single school day that they didn't like it, and never wanted to go, and were always relieved to have a sick day--then you can bet I'd be asking myself whether we need to change schools or meet with the teachers to figure out what the problem is.

So this essay just reflects my trying to figure out how to respond to their continual lack of interest in church (as well as our own burnout from being die-hards) in one way--by being more relaxed than we used to be about weekly attendance at church.

I would much rather have my kids understand the point of relationship and living day to day in a Christian way than be strict and legalistic about church going every, single Sunday. There is always some way every day to be Christ like and talk about that, even if its a political issue in the news (racism, cruelty, helping the poor, the importance of extending unemployment benefits now to those who need them), etc. Or inviting your Muslim neighbors over for Easter dinner (just without the pork we made turkey instead :) this year. Helping someone in need, donating to a charity at the grocery store on your way out instead of just leaving the store, etc. Praying at meals, praying all the time, empowering kids to help the forgotten or neglected kids at school, or the unpopular ones, showing kindness. So much more than just one day a week, its in every action, reaction, etc. I wonder where the Christian friends were to invite Constance (the girl in Mississippi who is a lesbian and not allowed to attend prom then sent to a cruel, fake prom) over to their house for dinner. Despite agreeing or disagreeing with her life, she was basically shunned in her community and at school and that never looks good for the church. Say what you might but Jesus would not have treated her that way. Actually, she showed more love by having fun with the situation and being kind to special needs students at her fake prom than the other, I guess religious kids at the other prom. I would want my kid to volunteer at that prom, at Constance's prom, or go along with me if I did and help, show love to those shunned kids. This is faith, I think, in action...

I'm not sure where in the Bible it says you must go to church every Sunday or else. It does say that fellowship is important, but I think sometimes church leaders become rather militant about it and if you don't go every Sunday, you're 'backsliding'. That attitude is also prevalent among many churchgoers.

We were kicked out of a church when I was young because my mother couldn't make it to every prayer meeting. We couldn't go to every night service (5 kids under 11). Dad worked late nights and couldn't always stay awake enough to make it to church. Being a small church, there was no rest either on Sundays - they were running around doing everything. Sundays were fun because we kids saw our friends, but the ride to and from church was stressful for the family.

We didn't go to church after that. That didn't stop 'fellowship with believers', though, as regular dinners with friends provided that.

I went back to 'church' in my late teens/early 20s, and once again I became disillusioned. So much work on a Sunday, all in the name of service. Sunday became like a work day, and I left. When I got married 4 years ago, we both left our churches. We haven't been back since except the odd occasion.

Again, that hasn't stopped our relationship with God. It hasn't stopped hosting dinners with friends where we grapple with issues, discuss Biblical topics etc, our faith is just what we live out.

God should come first in a family, but family I believe should come before church. Not going to church doesn't mean you aren't putting God first. If we find a church we enjoy, we still won't be going every week. Because sometimes Sunday is the only day we have for us, where we can relax, spend time with each other, and get ready for the week ahead. If God is central to your life, not going every Sunday shouldn't make that much of a difference to you.

So yes, I applaud the author for making church not just another duty that must be fulfilled in order to be a good Christian. Sometimes families need a break to spend time together. Yes, God is there. And yes, my family comes before church.

I think that the problem is that the church has become a place where "burnout" such as you describe can easily happen. In the New Testament, believers met to worship and pray and in the process to help carry each other's burdens, in an informal sense.

Churches today have lost that simple concept and have become so overloaded with programs that one can lose sight of the original purpose of believers getting together. It is easy for us to mistake participation in church programs for quality time with the Lord and His people.

I'm glad you didn't let that happen to you, Ellen, and thank you for an honest look at a difficult issue.

Ellen i applaud you for a honest look as well

To me, it's not the kids not wanting to go that's a problem. It's me feeling guilty about not going that has been an issue in the past.

I was brought up to go to church every Sunday morning. I love my church; my husband loves our church; my children love our church. But there are times when I'm exhausted or sick, but I'm not sure if I should force myself to go (am I really tired enough to not stay awake through the service?) or if I should sleep in and rest. Often, if I don't go, even with a legitimate excuse like sickness or extreme fatigue, I feel guilty.

At that point, my "guilt" makes me realize that I'm missing the point of church: quality time with God and his people (to quote Suzy). It's the relationship with God--not a legalistic attitude of manditory church attendance even when you're sick--that really matters.

While I feel for the author of the article, I trust that the following comments will help her and others in the same situation. Satan always attacks what is most important. In the article, I see no reference to the father/husband. When the father/husband is not the spiritual head in the family, it does make it hard on the mother in encouraging the children to worship regularly. But by the grace of God, this need not be a regular struggle each Sunday morning. What is done in the home should be an extension of the Church, in other words, the worship on the Lord's Day is part of an equipping process for parents to be edified in the Word of God and to be able to edify or teach their children. Central to all this teaching is the Gospel, and this is what I find missing in so many of the parenting books. When a parent says we go to Church, because "this is what we do - get used to it", the battle has been lost. This is legalism. The Gospel states - that in response to all that Jesus has done for us, our loving response (among many, many other responses) is to love being with the Lord's people and worshipping Him on the Lord's Day. The same is when it comes to discipline - the emphasis, and please note I am saying the emphasis, should again be on the Gospel. It's not a case of "do as I say", but in God's order of things, He has given parents the privilege to raise up children in the instruction and nurture of the Lord, and we do so in response to the Gospel, and we should teach and encourage our children to respond to what the parents say and teach and expect, because of their love for Christ. And so it becomes a case of "obeying because that is the Gospel response of the Child". This does take time and a thorough teaching from God's Word, but it is the biblical way.
There are also practical ways to make children look forward to worship on the Lord's Day. Speak encouragingly about the good things that the children will learn. Treat Sunday as special by asking them to help get as much of the breakfast ready as possible for Sunday morning on the Saturday before they go to bed. Encourage them to choose their clothes also on the Saturday evening and so have them ready all waiting for Sunday morning. I could go on, but I trust that this will be an encouragement for all parents to make the Lord's Day each time a delight for the whole family.

As I read this article, I have to admit that it is kind of offensive to hear someone say that the reason they are lax in their church attendance is because they don't want to be asked to do too much. I think that sometimes our generation expects everything to be done for us, and therefore, when we are asked to volunteer our time to do something, even when we are gifted in that area and it is something we would love to do normally, we resent it because we see it as a job. But at the same time, we forget that our pastoral family sacrifices everyday of the year to minister to us no matter what they might prefer to be doing instead. Why? Because they love God and that is what He has called them to do. But God has also called us as Christians to be in communion with Him and with other believers.

As a divorced dad, I get my teenage kids every other weekend. As a church deacon, I am not just expected to be there, I am expected to lead and teach and glorify the Lord. So, for me, going to our little church every Sunday is a no-brainer. The only thing that stops us is illness. What really thrills me is that my kids enjoy our church so much that they never grump about going, and in fact, quite on their own and without my ex-wife's help, they both now go to a similar church in their home neighborhood. By going with me and by the Spirit taking hold of my teaching them, my kids developed a passion for the Lord that went outside our bi-weekly Sunday attendance. They both now attend youth groups and Sunday services at their home church, and I credit my own church with serving them Spirit-filled teaching that blossomed and grew into their own initiative. Really, it is up to the parents to create not a "gotta-go" or "what we do" attitude but a real JOY for worship and service in the house of God. That joy will overcome the occasional grump every time.

Why don't they like church? That is the root question for me. I understand being exhausted and overworked. As a mom of two with a full time job, there are Sunday mornings when church is just one more thing on my neverending to do list and I just don't want to go. I used to dread going to church (as an adult). I figured out why, changed churches, and now mostly want to go except when I am just wiped out.

But, why the kids? If my children were complaining as much as it seems the author's are, I would try to figure out WHY? Incidentally, my kids love going to Sunday School right now, and so did I as a kid. Is there something about your church that makes the kids not want to go? As you said with school, Ellen, if they complained that much you would talk to the teachers and consider changing schools, so is that what you do with church as well? Try to fix the cause of the complaints?

Robyn - That's what I'm trying to work out. We changed churches two years ago primarily for them, because our former church really struggled w/ children's programming, and I had to be 120% involved in volunteering with the kids because there were so few other parents available to do so. So it contributed to my burnout. The children's programming at our new church is much more vibrant, but they still resist. I'm not sure why, and I think a next step is for me to talk to them and try to figure it all out. But I'm not sure what I would do if I discovered some concrete reason for their resistance. I hesitate to "church shop" too much; I tend to be of the "bloom where you're planted" mindset, and don't want to fall into the idea that church is there for me/us, to meet my/our needs, so if it's not doing that, we'll just go elsewhere. But thank you for bringing up that line of questioning. We have a lot of exploration and work to do. This article was really a first step.

This article actually made me feel convicted about my own gaps in church attendance so I am speaking just as much to myself as to anyone else.

I loved church as a child but the opportunity to miss and have two "Saturdays' was still thrilling. So I think once we give children the option of missing it, the option will always be enticing and they will beg for it. I think that church attendance is to some extent a discipline and that's not a bad thing. It can be like exercise. The hardest part is getting up and out when you are home and comfortable. But it is always worth it when we arrive, and we leave refreshed, even if we serve while we are there.

Once we do get out the door and get there, most services are only two or three hours. We still get most of the day to rest or read. A Sunday afternoon nap is the best!
If we don't even have the energy to get out the door, maybe that says something about where we need to cut back in the rest of our lives. My church as a child had a sign in the sunday school area that said something like if you want to serve God on Sundays, put God first on Saturday night. If we are always exhausted on Sunday, we need to adjust Saturday's hectic schedule so that we spend Saturday resting and reading and we have energy to leave the house on Sunday for a few hours.

I think it is interesting that some have bemoaned the lack of children's programming at church and others bemoan the amount of work to do at church. Programming requires workers/servers. Great, vibrant programming requires dedicated, creative, and committed servant leaders who sacrifice. Churches are run by volunteers. To have the churches we want to attend, with resources and services for nonbelievers and believers, we have to be the ones to respond to God's call for the harvest.

We take so much for granted. If our relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important thing in our lives, we would want to go to Sunday school and church every Sunday. We would want to serve where God wants us to serve (not where everyone else in the church feels we should serve.) We would want to reach a lost and dying world. We would want our children to have the kind of loving "relationship" Christ offers to us. We have an opportunity to be with other Christians who can lift us up and encourage us in our daily walk with our Lord. Many in this world would die for such an opportunity. In fact, many have!

I am really surprised how many of the writers are getting upset that Ellen or others would miss church. Have you forgotten that we now live under the grace of God, not under the law. My relationship with Christ is not based on whether I sit in a pew every Sunday. I know people who go to church every Sunday who have no personal relationship with Christ, they go because it is expected. Live is busy. I do believe that I have a loving God who understands that sometimes my serving him involves family, school or work related events that mean I miss church. Worship is not just listening to a sermon on Sunday. I sometimes get more out of my women's bible study than I do my Pastors sermon. I have a women who is a member of my church who suffers from anxiety. She has a very hard time sitting in church. Does God love her less?- Does she love God less because she can't sit in a church service? NO!!!

this article might help as well http://www.ptm.org/07PT/MarApr/WhyIDontGotoChurch.pdf
church like school might be done in any number of possibilites theres public school private school/christian school theres also homeschool so if you go to a pysical building on a certain day at a exact time good for you and that helps your realtionship with jesus GREAT!!!, but should we say thats the same for everyone NO!!! we are all different members of one body some might get their fellowship in small groups some might their fellowship meeting with two or three for coffee thats great as long as you get a healthy fellowship that lets your realationship to christ grow AMEN

Thank you so much for this article! Everyday is a struggle to live out your faith not just sundays. As a solider and a single mother of two kids somedays I just dont have the strength. I just feel that God knows my heart....

I love this article. I LOVE my church, I love my kids and both model and teach the importance of a constant relationship with Jesus Christ. Do I miss church occasionally? Yes. Do I feel wrong about it? No. My relationship with Christ is a daily practice of joy and I believe, in the core of my soul, that is what He prefers. That being said, I am also so deeply saddened by the judgmental comments of Christians about this article. Being a Christian is NOT about going to church, it is about a relationship. We can only hope that our faith, through the church, will be strengthened by our LOVE for one another, not our guilt from judgment--well-meaning or otherwise. And for the record--my parents are atheist and I'm a devoted Christian--so the argument about missing church setting a poor example certainly doesn't hold water here. Jesus makes His presence available to everyone--it's not a gift that is given only in worship on Sunday.

Glad to have found this article. I have three children and went through the same struggle you're talking about - we were going all week long and many times, on Sundays, I ended up cranky, tired, impatient just trying to get everyone out the door one more time for church. Then one Sunday, I decided to take my kids to the park on Sunday morning. What a pleasant change! I could relax and enjoy them and when we got home for lunch, I didn't feel the time crunch. My point: different things work for different families. We no longer attend church at all. We do have spiritual practices we observe at home that have grown out of who the members of our family are and how we relate to the world around us. What we do enjoy is a very relaxed, refreshing day together on Sundays. It is our family day. We spend time with grandparents on Sundays. We make brunch together. We read together. We go to the park together. For me, my faith is about how I live every day, not about where I spend Sundays. I feel comfortable with our choices and so far, my kids are kind, caring, loving, compassionate people. Sometimes I think we need to think outside the box and realize that just because it's what we're "supposed" to do as "good" parents doesn't mean it's what works best for our particular family.

I don't know how old your children are, but I think that you should ask them about faith and religion (no they are not the same thing). I know that when I started fighting going to church, it was because I started having questions and doubts about G-d and the Bible. I didn't know how to talk or to whom to talk to about them. If questions are the reason your children fight, then maybe they will be able to question, doubt, and remain in the faith. Again I don't not know your children's ages, but I started in 4th/5th grade when I was still in sunday school. Now that I am older, I may know more about the history, theology, and dogma of what was my religion but that does not help me when there is only silence to my questions and darkness in my sight.

I believe you should absolutely 'shop around' for the right Church. Although the purpose is always to gather for worship, not all of us are in the same place. Some are newer to God's word than others. We have different lives and circumstances and some Church leaders will speak to us more than others. We need to be where our relationship with God will grow the best. If that means trying multiple churches before you find the ones that speaks to you and your family, so be it.

Listen, I understand your weariness in dragging your kids to worship. Believe you me, with four kids to get ready, a Sunday School lesson to prepare, planning lunch for Sunday, and everthing else that's involved in getting to worship on Sunday, I feel your pain. But I believe that we (the children of God) are commanded, just as the saints in the Old Testament were, to worship the Lord WITH HIS PEOPLE. Just as the Israelites went to the temple to offer their sacrifices, we the new covenant people go to worship (wether it's convenient of not) as an act of obedience and love to our Lord. At our church the children sit with me through the service which required some patience and planning on my part. Yes, it would more convenient and less tiresome for me if someone volunteered to do my job for me, but God has given me the task. Difficult? Yes, but worth all the inconvenience and whinning. Our children are watching us, watching what's important to us, what matters to us, what we're devoted to. If we consider church optional, so will they. It's not "legalistic" to be faithful in attending worship. It's a simple act of obedience and gratitude for what we've been given, namely new life in Christ. It should be the highlight of every Christian's week, should it not? We're fed the very word of God that feeds our souls. Yes it can be a lot of hard work with kids, but think about what your kids will benefit and how the Holy Spirit will use all those Sundays, seeing mom and dad worship, how vitaly important it was to them, how they did not waver in the face of whinning, but perservered.

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