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Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

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July 28, 2010

News Flash: Dads Are Nurturing

More fathers want an active role in caring for their children. Will U.S. employers be able to adjust?

Rachel Stone, guest blogger

Boston College’s Center for Work and Family released a study last month that tracked changes in the way American fathers view themselves and their roles at home and work. The study looked at married, educated, and employed first-time fathers of children between ages 3 and 18 months, and suggests that the concept of dads as primarily breadwinners is outmoded. Today’s dads are defining good fatherhood as a relationship involving lots of time, attention, and nurturing. The study also suggested, though, that while fathers may understand their role in these terms, their employers (and others, such as extended families) do not.

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In her New York Times article highlighting this and other recent studies on fatherhood, Tara Parker-Pope suggested that dads now “feel as stressed as mom,” pulled between expectations to be both a provider and nurturer. “Men are typically the primary breadwinner,” Parker-Pope notes, “but they also increasingly report a desire to spend more time with their children. To do so, they must first navigate a workplace that is often reluctant to give them time off for family reasons. And they must negotiate with a wife who may not always recognize their contributions at home.”

While the challenges women face in balancing work and family are well-chronicled (though not always understood or accepted), the conflicts working dads face are not. Fewer employers see fatherhood as an increasingly a hands-on, time-intensive role. And though most of the fathers surveyed said they had considered becoming stay-at-home dads, they said finances (dad’s salary may be higher than mom’s, or both salaries are needed to maintain a desired standard of living) and lingering social stigma prevented them from doing so.

At its close, the study asks, “If we want all people to feel like 'whole persons,' that means respecting the man's role as care-giver, cook, cleaner, nurturer, and comforter every bit as much as we respect the woman's role in the workplace." Having spent most of my time as a mother in Europe, I'm no longer surprised to see many fathers accompanying their young children to the park, the swimming pool, or playgroups. Usually there are more mothers than fathers, but thanks to the generous parental leave (in many countries, fathers get some paid leave when a baby is born; in Canada, parents can elect to share a year's worth of paid leave), fathers can assume an involved role in their children’s lives, with no social stigma at all.

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Of course, the idea that dads can be strong providers and loving nurturers should not surprise us Christians. Though Scripture mostly uses paternal images to describe Yahweh, it doesn’t shy away from nurturing, “soft” images either. Psalm 22 and Deuteronomy 32 picture the Lord as both a laboring mother and midwife. The Hebrew word for God's compassion is related to the word for womb, suggesting the metaphor of a womb-ache — the ache of a mother to protect her children. Jesus speaks of his desire to gather the children of Israel by comparing himself to a mother hen who “gathers her chicks under her wings” (Luke 13; Matt. 23). Paul picks up on this in 1 Thessalonians 2, describing his ministry as akin to the care of both a nursing mother and a caring father. As men are made in God’s image — which encapsulates maleness and femaleness — it's time to acknowledge fathers as “whole persons” too, reflecting the full image of God, capable of deep nurturing involvement with their children. Among other things, this means an end to jokes about fathers’ ineptitude in the domestic sphere. It’s time to put dads, as well as moms, on the rotation list for the church nursery, time for pastors to affirm a robust, multi-dimensional role for fathers from the pulpit, and time to shower new moms and dads with support, understanding, and love.

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Posted by Sarah Pulliam Bailey on July 28, 2010 9:47 AM

Comments

i agree with this article as a new father and a Canadian citizen i am now at a end to my nine month parental leave. There is a social stigma way up north here too Fathers can only get a three month leave if the mother doesnt work they can get up to nine months, but the mothers can get up to a year of parental leave why because their mothers and fathers get prejudiced view so i do agree its time to admit their are some good fathers out their.

Posted By: adrian | July 28, 2010 11:07 AM

One thing that stuck out when we first started attending our current church was that fathers are very involved in teaching church school and working on the Christmas pageant--roles that have been dominated by mothers at other churches I've attended. It makes for a real "we're all in this together" vibe with the children's ministries.

I am fortunate that, while my family has a fairly traditional division of labor (husband working full time, me home with kids and working p/t from home), my husband's employer does not bat an eyelash when he takes the afternoon off to attend a school event or takes days off to care for the kids if I'm facing a big deadline and need extra work time. And he still manages to be a productive, and happy, employee. I wish all dads were offered that kind of flexibility.

Posted By: Ellen | July 28, 2010 11:48 AM

Thanks for this. I'm enjoying watching my sons-in-law be daddies to my young grandkids, and it's a treat. My dad refuses any credit for rearing me, though I remember him being pretty involved, especially for our day.

This bit of the article confuses me, though:

"Though Scripture mostly uses paternal images to describe Yahweh, it doesn’t shy away from nurturing, “soft” images either."

I long for the day when dads' nurturing and soft bits are recognized as part of masculine, paternal love.

Posted By: Sheila | July 28, 2010 2:25 PM

This was a big "duh" for me. My husband and I work together as a team in rearing our children. My husband took the maximum paid paternity leave when both our kids were born (7 weeks). He texts me throughout the day saying how much he misses them (we both work outside the home). His nurturing instinct often outshines my own, I am not afraid to admit. He worries about investing the time and attention in our children that neither of us received from our primary-breadwinner fathers. He will promptly and usually angrily respond to anyone to has the gall to suggest that he is less than competent or is "babysitting" when he cares for them alone. He has tried to do everything for them that I do, but butts up against work restrictions, whereas my workplace is very flexible. Granted, we work in different fiels, and this accounts for much of the difference in family-friendliness of our respective workplaces. Though, honestly, I think that he would LOVE to be a stay-at-home dad.

I hope that I do not, however, take any of his contributions for granted.

Posted By: Robyn | July 28, 2010 2:45 PM

Thank you! We have a long way to go, but we're making progress!

Posted By: Matt Stephens | July 28, 2010 3:14 PM

I agree with Sheila's comment that nurturing shouldn't be categorized as soft and feminine. Even playing off of traditional roles, if men are supposed to provide for the family through money and physical protection, why do we draw the line at providing for children emotionally? Is carrying a newborn and using touch to convey that your child is safe really so different from trying to tackle an angry dog that's charging at your son? Is playing house with your daughter so she understands what a healthy home-life looks like and will be safe from abusive relationships really so different from trying to scare straight any boy who wants to date her?

I think if we argue that the "softer" aspects of parenthood should be considered acceptable for guys, then we've already lost the battle. Guys don't want to do soft stuff, even if it is acceptable. But, if we convey the idea that it's manly to love your child and that real men have the guts to drink tea with 8 year old daughters, then that's where the real change comes, because then we aren't asking men to stop being men just so they can provide for their children. We're asking them to man up and nurture their kids.

Posted By: Trevor from Excellerate Child Check in Software | October 18, 2010 4:07 PM

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