Hermenuetics

Comments

Just thought I'd point out that, coincidentally, today is the 20th anniversary of passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I think acceptance and understanding of parents with disabilities is an area where we still have a lot of work to do. A friend who has OI and recently gave birth to her first baby was in a baby supply store when she was visibly pregnant, and a clerk, noticing my friend's wheelchair, asked, "Can you have kids of your own or will you adopt?" Lisa Belkin's Motherlode blog told the story a few months back about a quadriplegic mom whose uninvolved ex-boyfriend was suing for custody of their child, even though the mom was caring for the child very well with help from family and an aide. Much work to do...

Posted By: Ellen | July 26, 2010 1:03 PM

I can't really relate to your experiences, but I don't think it is fair for you to believe the worst of people who don't agree with your childbearing decisions. Disagreement is not necessary vitriol, so I would encourage you to also "judge not, lest ye be judged."

Posted By: muse | July 26, 2010 11:05 PM

I also have OI with my severity being similar to Stacey's. (I'm 3 foot five and have had 200 fractures) Although I am male so that's a difference on this issue.

I agree I was rather sickened by how the comments went and how the article was framed. It wasn't a neutral "let's look at this pro and con" it was a bit of "let's look at how this freak defies doctors who obviously know better than her." Considering many doctors don't know zip about OI, and have shown that to me in my life, it was rather infuriated. Than the comments that said "those three kids should have never been born" were even more disturbing.

That being said I think I can understand some concern about a woman her size with her severity of OI considering a fourth children. I wouldn't tell her "no" but I think there could be a legitimate way to express concerns. They didn't really do that though.

Posted By: Thomas R | July 27, 2010 6:14 AM

What a lovely story. Your point is extremely relevant in today's culture that puts so much pressure on parents (especially moms) to be perfect. None of us is perfect, but, if we are believers, we can rest in the grace of God.

I would like to add that I respect the author's decision to have children. And I would EQUALLY respect her decision if she had chosen NOT to have children. I feel that needs to be said in light of the comments on the previous post regarding "How many kids should we have?"

Posted By: Robyn | July 27, 2010 1:25 PM

Thank you for a touching article. And here's to non-vitriolic commenting!

Posted By: KC | July 27, 2010 2:36 PM

Ellen, you have such a wonderfully thoughtful way of writing. I have enjoyed all of your posts and this one is no exception. The paragraph about our avoidance of suffering, though, was particularly convicting to me. Ultimately, we must invite God into every area of our lives and trust that His call on our lives is best. It might not *seem* like the best but it will glorify Him in the end. @Muse, I did not feel that Ellen was judging anyone by calling out the people making comments on the ABC site. It sounds as if you did not read the comments. I did and I agree that many of them were more than judgmental and vitriolic. As a woman who had the privilege and challenge of making the decision whether or not to carry children when she has OI, Ellen has the right to challenge the detractors who were not faced with such a difficult choice.

Posted By: KLK | July 28, 2010 1:38 PM

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I'm glad that so many of you understood that this article was not merely a mother with OI writing about another mother with OI, but that I was using my/her/our experiences to question cultural pressures on parents to be perfect in so many ways--physically competent, able to prevent our children's suffering, able to do everything independently without help, etc.

@Muse: I welcome disagreement. Right now, my writing work focuses on reproductive ethics--a pretty poor subject to choose if I'm going to be intolerant of disagreement! But the comments were not thoughtfully saying, "Hmmm, I have some concerns about someone with a severe disability having many children, and here they are..." (And, as Thomas pointed out in his comment, there are certainly significant medical issues at stake with severe OI that could be addressed constructively.) Rather, most of the comments lobbed insults such as "stupid." People seemed to portray this couple primarily as freakish, foolish risk-takers, and I think it's fair to label such responses "vitriol." I mentioned that I'm privileged to know many women with OI who have had biological children; I'm also privileged to know women with OI who have adopted children or decided not to have children. I'm proud to know all of them.

Posted By: Ellen | July 28, 2010 3:12 PM

Interesting article, but a poor choice for picture. Throwing a baby in the air like that is dangerous, and should not be encouraged.

Posted By: Sabrina | July 31, 2010 2:17 PM

Ellen, thank you for your article. I do not have OI, and found it insightful to read about some of the challenges those that do have OI face.

Scripture says we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139: 13-16) and reminds us that it is the LORD who made man's mouth, made the mute, the deaf, the blind, the seeing (Exodus 4: 11). This is inclusive of those with OI and other lifelong physical challenges.

Sometimes I don't fully understand how God leads me to certain decisions, and cannot even begin to understand how God leads others to make their choices. That is between them and God.

I have friends who have 8 children; the oldest is 11, the youngest 2. The mother has hemophilia and two of their children inherited the disease. I don't know what it is like to have that many children and admire them for how well run their family is, how they are teaching their children all the things they need to know as they rear them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Sometimes I am shocked at the comments I hear ranging from are they crazy? to don't they know what causes it [babies]? The greater shock is not that the comments are made, but at who makes them.

Cultural standards are more often than not, completely unrelated to Scriptural values. Sometimes Christians have standards that are just as unrelated to God's as those of the world. Each of us, I am first on this list, must guard our hearts and minds from the constant assault from our present culture and trust the One who gave us life and, through His Son, eternal life.

I think of the cultural assaults on Jesus when He walked on earth, and must remember that He remained obedient and true to His Father's plan and completed the work His Father had given Him to do (John 4:34). This is not easy for any of us, regardless of our physical problems or the race God has set before us (Heb. 12: 1).

I cannot even imagine what it is like for you, Ellen. I pray that God will strengthen your faith and comfort you and your family as only He is able. I pray those who would be so quick to criticize someone's decision would remember they do not know all the details nor do they know the heart of that person.

We all would do well to remember that words can either wound deeply, or bring comfort and blessings to others. The choice is ours.

Posted By: Susan F. | August 4, 2010 9:59 AM