Her.meneutics: Avoiding Old Flames on Facebook

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« Simplicity: It's Complicated | Main | Burqa Watching in Great America »

August 30, 2010

Avoiding Old Flames on Facebook

That it's only a virtual friendship is all the more reason to stay away from it.

Jenell Williams Paris, guest blogger

Toward the end of spring semester, I set a box labeled “I Always Wanted to Ask” on the table at the front of my class. I invited students to write down lingering questions about sex and gender, the subject of our course at Messiah College. A panel comprising five students and me, the professor, responded to all the questions. A classic one emerged: “Can men and women be ‘just’ friends?” It elicited a classic response. “Yes,” I said, “but only by taking romantic potential into account in some way. And no, if the man and woman have been romantically involved with each other.” Most students advocated for platonic friendship and kindly pointed out that the world has changed since the dinosaur age in which I came of age.

I won’t rehearse the dialogue that ensued, but I’m slipping a related question into the box: Is it wise to “friend” old flames on Facebook?

Three old flames have flared up recently (and I only have so many, so it’s an unusually active season). I corresponded with one, a single back-and-forth. After all, I justified, he was just a flicker. Facebook offered another to me as a possible friend. I couldn’t resist peeking at his photos to see whether my kids are cuter than his (surprise — they are), and then I moved on. The third requested that we be friends, and I still need to decide how to respond.

Here’s the thing: I believe in marriage. I believe in total loyalty and lifelong commitment. At my husband’s and my wedding, we sang a hymn that begins, “Are ye able,” said the Master / “to be crucified with me?”/ “Yea,” the sturdy dreamers answered / “to the death we follow thee.” Bringing crucifixion imagery to a wedding was intentional. We expected marriage to be hard, and it has been at times, but we have stuck together. Like our trust in Jesus, we hope we are able to hold our marriage until death.

I believe that all relationships in my life either support or detract from my marriage, however tacitly, and they stay or go based on that criterion. I believe spouses should have access to each others’ phones and e-mails and should approve of each others’ Facebook friends. I believe privacy with exes, even and perhaps particularly virtual privacy, is dangerous. I’m on the road I chose, and no good will come from revisiting roads not taken.

But here’s another thing: I don’t really believe in the way I got to marriage: testing the waters, wading in, backing out, then trying again with someone else — in a word, dating. Most societies do not have dating (until fairly recently, ours didn’t either), and likely for good reasons. My love for my husband may be bright and burning like the sun, but having dated means that other small stars are visible in my sky, perhaps especially when the sun’s light occasionally wanes. Before the Internet, these stars were far away — I had no idea where these men lived, or how to find them if I wanted to. Now, they are as close as the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling above my sons’ beds.

I know what full-blown adultery is, but fidelity is breached long before physical acts occur. How about looking at an ex’s profile pictures and imagining the life you could have had together, the children you could have been raising, the house you could have bought? How about looking at old photos your ex has posted, remembering the encounters you had in that time and place? How about indulging the brief thrill that arises when his or her name appears in your e-mail inbox or your Facebook wall (the rush is fueled, after all, by past words and experiences shared only between the two of you)? How about nurturing the notion that you missed your chance with your real soul-mate by keeping in touch with the supposed soul-mate? These actions and attitudes may not be adultery, but they certainly do not represent loyalty.

Facebook presents me with nicely worded options: “Confirm this request for friendship, or quietly ignore it.” This man is likely just saying hello, having seen my name or photo on a mutual friend’s page. Chances are, it’s no big deal. But I’ve made my choice, regarding the man as well as his request. Old flame, consider yourself quietly ignored.

Jenell Williams Paris is professor of anthropology at Messiah College and has written for Christianity Today about the spiritual disciplines, sex, and Mother's Day. Her next book is about sexual identity.

Comments

Jennell, thank you for this well-thought, well-said post. We are a culture of voyeurs and social media feeds too often too much into our hunger for curiousity where things are better left alone. Thank you for drawing attention to this issue.

I also write because I am a happily married newlywed, and was disturbed a few weeks ago to find an email from an old flame in my inbox. He is in the army and apparently just added me to his update list, a mass email, but it makes me feel uncomfortable to get personal updates from someone I no longer want to know about. Also, they are weekly updates...I keep getting them. I don't know whether its best to delete them as they come in, or to email him and tell him please take me off the list. It unnerves me to be reminded of him as I get the emails but I also fear that contacting him is a bad idea. I fear entering into any kind of dialogue with him again, its been years but I don't want to open up communication again. I just want to be left alone. My husband knows about the emails and trusts me to deal with them however I think best. I appreciate thoughts on this any of you might have! Thank you!

Sare- I have no idea what to advise you. Is there any way to "block" his emails when they come in, perhaps with an email filter that allows emails from certain email addresses to be immediately deleted, moved to trash or put in a spam box? It might be a way to avoid seeing his updates without contacting him. Other than changing your email address, I don't know what else you could do.

Most email programs allow you to block a sender. In my opinion, that is the best way to handle it.

Sare - Like the others said you can set a rule that will automatically trash them based on the email address they are coming from. If it were me I'd prayerfully consider emailing him just in case he switches emails (then they'd start up again) and politely say that while you pray for his safety while in the military, and you thank him for his service to our country that it would be best if he didn't contact you again due to your previous relationship.

Thanks for this well-reasoned approach to a Third Millenium complexity.

If our secrets make us sick, then why would any of us choose to introduce sickness into our most important earthly relationship--our marriage?

At home, my husband and I talk about who we're in contact with--and why. It's a good fence for our marriage.

Are guys allowed to comment too? I wholeheartedly agree with the Facebook issue. Regardless of whether "dating" is the best way to find a mate, the reality is exactly as you describe. I won't be making any old "flames" a friend of mine on Facebook. As a pastor, I have dealt with too many wounded individuals where one spouse -- or both -- did not use wisdom in how they interact with someone of the opposite sex who is not a spouse.

If seeing the name of an old flame in one's inbox causes any kind of thrill, however brief, I'd say it's pretty obvious that the recipient has never gotten over that person and probably shouldn't have even gone into marriage with those feelings unresolved. As someone who has been married for over 19 years, it would never occur to me to look at any of my exes' profile photos and imagine the kind of life we could have had together (for most of them, and there haven't been many, that would be more like a nightmare!) I love the life I have with my husband, even though it has been hard at times, and wouldn't even want to contemplate life without him.

Thanks all for your comments, I will probably look into blocking his email address so that I won't have to contact him. That seems like a good solution. And I would caution both husbands and wives out there: it may seem harmless, not a big deal, but emotional curiousity is never a good enough reason to engage a flame from your past. Satan uses subtlety to deceive, don't give him a foothold.

Thank you Jenell for this really insightful post, it's so pertinent to the world we live in!
I loved how you said that all relationships we're in either support or detract from our marriages. Why remain in relationships that take away from it and are not edifying to it? Thank you very much, I really appreciated your insights!

I didn't read all of the article, nor did I read any of the comments. Therefore, if this comment content is redundant, please forgive. In brief (no pun intended or maybe so), men (as I've tried to firmly impress on my wife and two progeny - all women), PLAY (view/perceive) DIFFERENTLY than women! Testosterone, yes, is how we ALL got here (Adam, Eve, and Jesus excepted), but tis a curse. ALL of you are sufficiently aged to understand. Not to say that a male/female Platonic relationship CANNOT exist; but ... especially in our younger (more testosterone-governed), playing with the proverbial fire!

While I more or less agree with you about the dangers of friending an old flame, I was brought up short by your kinda-sorta suggestion that dating is also a bad idea. I mean, what's the alternative? I'm assuming you're not recommending arranged marriages, which means that a non-dating alternative would have to involve some sort of interaction with members of the opposite sex. And any time there's interaction, even perfectly innocent interaction, there's always a chance for that dreamy what-might-have-been phenomenon that some of you have mentioned.

In fact, in some cases, not knowing someone very well might actually make that dreamy nostalgia even more likely. There's so little data, you see - no reality to counteract the nostalgia. In some cases, to combat "What might have been," what you really need is simply a good memory for what actually WAS.

Example: I was married briefly in my early 20s, then divorced, and then in my late 20s I married my current (and final!) husband. We've been married 23 years now. And - trust me on this - remembering that earlier marriage and that earlier husband only makes me treasure my current husband even more. And this is despite the fact that my ex-husband wasn't a horrible person or anything - it just was NOT a good marriage. Not every look back involves nostalgia.

Very good post and I agree with most of it. One note: you do not have to "date" to have what could broadly be called "an old flame." In case anyone is tempted to split hairs. Facebook is not an issue--I'm not a member (or whatever they are called) and never will be. However, I disagree that my husband (to whom I have been married for over 30 years, longer than some of you have been alive) should have access to all my emails (or personal letters), particularly those written among female friends, particularly when confidences have been shared. Nor should I have access to all of his. Nor do I want to. You can have privacy without being secretive. If you are hiding something, that's another consideration, and I know the difference. But not even my spouse is entitled to know everything.

Perhaps Mrs. Paris would prefer teens to simply not date--to have their parents choose their life-long companion for them? I'm sure conservative parents with openly homosexual children would be delighted to choose that "soul mate."

I learned something from Turkish Muslim friends -- when you approach folks in the context of families, a lot of temptation and pressure disappears. I'm a guy who was helping an attractive young Turkish woman with her English. And did so safely, by conforming to Turkish Muslim norms: when visiting, greet the husband first. When doing language lessons, be glad to always have him in the room as well. Introduce that family to your family. I cherish both of these people as dear friends -- and the relationship was not polluted with unseemly free-radical attachments.

People sure can get off the subject easily! Thank you for the great post! It was amazing to me to find this one day after the first time I was ever requested to friend an ex! I was really curious to see how his life is now even though I have never wished I had married him instead. But reading all the wisdom from others has helped me to realize the decision I should make. And, thank you to the lady who's been married 30 years for letting the rest of us know that our husbands do not have to (and probably don't even want to) know every single little thing we think and do. Secrets, of course, are a different story.

Liz - thank you for your insight - I've actually been very hurt by confiding in a friend who felt that she should tell everything to her boyfriend - including the confidences of her female friends (hence how I felt hurt). I learned very quickly to never confide in her again. I've heard many times about people giving their passwords to their spouses, etc.. and that's not something I've ever thought about. I'm not married but I suspect if I ever do get married I will continue to be a confidant to other women and I'm glad for your thoughts.

Great conversation! This is exactly why my Husband and I wrote, "Facebook and Your Marriage." Go to our website and check out our articles on this very subject. We both are Avid Facebookers and use it as a positive in our marriage but with healthy boundaries! http://FacebookAndYourMarriage.com
The book answers all kinds of ?'s and written in a fun, informative Facebook thread.

Another possible way for Sare to resolve the issue of contact with the former friend who put her on his bi-weekly communication list would be to have her husband send a brief (and polite) note requesting no further contact. My husband would do this for me if I asked him. He is my protector, in ways large and small.

Jenell,

"I believe that all relationships in my life either support or detract from my marriage, however tacitly, and they stay or go based on that criterion." Chock full of truth and beautifully, beautifully said. Thank you.

Sheila
"If our secrets make us sick, then why would any of us choose to introduce sickness into our most important earthly relationship--our marriage?" Ditto.

Thanks for getting to the crux of the matter.

I respectfully disagree with the gentlemen (whose posted name is Jill Hathaway above) who says that platonic relationships are not possible. This is a misguided idea, based on blatant sexism -- sexism towards both genders. Two things:

#1 We are all sexual beings. To say this does not imply that the "act of sex" is what defines us. What defines us is that we are made in the image of God; some of us as females, some of us as males. To say that a platonic relationship is not possible is to imply that I, as female or my husband, as male are simply objects. THAT is insane.

#2 Jesus was a sexual being for he was male. I am not implying that he engaged in sexual acts, for scripture indicates that he did not. Yet, he had meaningful relationships with women. Why? Because he is fully human as we will one day be. I would think that it is possible (this side of heaven) to practice honest and righteous friendships with members of the opposite sex as Jesus did. Is it harder for us? Absolutely. We are not without sin. But it is possible.

Forgive my error. The post I refer to was by Kderosa, not Jill Hathaway.

My parents never dated. They were both members of our local church youth club, and as such played tennis together, went on country walks, acted in plays, took part in mission events - oh yes, and no doubt saw each other in church on Sundays too! The point being, all the above activities took place in a group environment, not alone. Add to the mix the fact that the two families were known to each other, and you have an alternative to the American cultural idea of 'dating'.

OK- that was many years ago and way before the Internet, but the principle is still valid: Church as an alternative society; church as community.

Other than the comments on dating that seemed to be shoehorned in ("Old Flame" sounds more romantic than "ex-boyfriend," I guess), I'm certainly all for guarding your Facebook world from those who don't need to be there.

I had to finally not just "Ignore" an old girlfriend that repeatedly wanted to tell me details about her life and seek info about mine, I ended up blocking her from finding me on there. It might sound bad, but I'm not interested in hearing about her life anymore.

Facebook is great, but just because you can find a lot of old acquaintances on there doesn't mean you should get in touch with each one. It's okay to leave some doors closed.

Thank God for this write up. I got married about six months ago but prior to that time, my husband was not the only suitor I had. There were actually two other guys who were already friends on face book. After I got married, one of them instead of sending me a congulatory message, was berrating me for not informing him of my wedding, while in all honesty I thought I did. It was obvious he's in pain over my marriage.I thought of removing him as a friend then, but didnt.
Recently another old flame I parted from in a manner I consider not amicable but rather violent because it really shook and ruptured my emotions and faith, sent a friend request on face book and even later called to urge me to accept the request. I ignored the request and was later plagued by guilt. The Lord has healed me of the hurt he caused and I had forgiven him. I even bless God for not allowing me marry him because if I had done, I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband.Inspite of this, I still feel uncomfortable hearing from him as I would rather he remained in my past where he belonged.
After reading this article, I feel justified in my decision and I think I will also remove or block every other old flame I have as friends on face book. I agree with you, there is nothing like platonic frienship with an old flame. It is better to let sleeping dogs lie and work whole heartedly on the marriage God has blessed me with. Remain blessed.

If you feel tempted or like it is the wrong thing to do, then maybe it is the wrong thing for you. I am friends with most of my old flames (3/5) and consider them some of my closest friends. I don't wonder what life would be like with them because I know, I see it in our friendship. They are invaluable support to me and I would hope I could be so for them. My current serious relationship is stable and happy and he knows that I contact my old flames often, he hears the phone conversations we have. We don't access each other's e-mail, but do peer over each other's shoulders if the other is reading something. We give each other privacy with friends because we trust each other and because it's tiresome to keep tabs on everything. I would say if these men are stars in your sky, let them be. Unless the relationship was broken off for a reason that makes them unsafe as friends, then the fact that they are shining in your sky could be a gift to you and your mate. I mean, how often do you find people who love and support you? Good community is hard to find. I think learning to love and support old flame platonically is deeply valuable, as they are some of the people who understand you and vice versa the best. Society is changing rapidly, and sometimes I think for the better! I think it's definitely possible to be friends with an old flame, whether it's a good idea or not is entirely situational.

Great post! If we don't walk near the edge of the cliff, we are less likely to fall into the abyss of infidelity!

I think it's important not to push your limits or "play with fire" and even though obviously stuff didn't work out, there was something that attracted you in that person before. For me, I know it wouldn't be worth the temptation. I love my husband with all my heart and would never ever cheat on him. But I know I'm human and not immune to finding men attractive! So I avoid temptation with exes, just like I conciously choose not to watch movies with scantily clad hunks, or read romance novels, or anything else that might lead me to lust after anyone other than my Hubby. I'm not facebook friends with any exes and didn't invite any of them to my wedding! I love the line about all relationships either supporting or detracting from the marriage relationship.

This married-centric post is quite nice. But, for the 52% of us adult Americans that aren't married, it simply doesn't even take us into account. Does the author think singles should look for old flames on facebook? Who knows, she seems content to talk with the 48% of Americans that are like her--married. The majority of us are left to wonder.

In my opinion, nothing good can come from accepting a friend request from an ex on facebook. I made the mistake accepting a facebook friend request from an ex boyfriend. My reason for accepting his facebook request was out of curiousity - just to see what he was up to after all of these years, to see what he looked like. In the past, he would contact me via phone (pre-facebook age) but usually just to apologize for past transgressions or to see what I was up to. All very uneventful phone calls - at least I thought that they were and gave him no thought after I hung up the phone. Unfortunately, this time that was not the case as he opened up like I never heard before (about how he felt about me in the past, that he wishes that we got married,had kids etc). At first he said these things because I "needed to know this". He did finally admit his intentions for friending me and that was to reconnect again and start up a relationship (I learned he has had a few failed marriages over the course of the years and currently going through another bad marriage although still married). Unfortunately, a lot of old, unresolved feelings came out as a result as we never did have the closure that we should have in the past. For the person who posted above regarding an ex who sends you e-mail updates , I would change your e-mail address or find a way to block his e-mails from coming into your inbox. If you feel uncomfortable with receiving these e-mails, go with your instinct and make sure that he cannot contact you.

Wow, you people kill me. Have your husband send a note to some guy who probably doesn't even know you're on his mailing list anymore? give me a break. Just block the email address, problem solved.

And I totally disagree that husbands and wives should have total access to private things like email accounts. My husband has his own email and password and I do not ever access it...nor do I want to. I trust him IMPLICITLY. He does not have access to mine either. There are things that are nobody else's business.

Re: avoiding old flames on Facebook - well that's just silly....unless you a) really dislike the person and there's no issue w/ not being friends...or b) you are still carrying a torch for said person and the problem is way deeper than Facebook.

Wow...just wow. I'm still laughing at asking my husband to ask someone to stop sending me mass emails that are sent to heaven knows how many other people. That's too funny.

Yes, it is possible to be friends with a person of the opposite gender.

I'm very good friends with a former boyfriend, and with his wife. His wife is totally secure in our friendship. In fact, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. As a couple, he and I brought out the worst in each other. As friends, we appreciate the best in each other. There is no flame waiting to be re-kindled, no sense of danger or excitement, or what might have been, or what could be, or repressed attraction. We are simply good friends.

And if I were to meet someone and get married, I would expect to continue my friendship with the two of them.

While I think that it is possible to be friends with a person of the opposite gender, it really depends who that person is. There are those who just want friendship and that is fine. But then there are those who want more for their own satisfaction (perhaps they are dissatified in their current relationship). Those are the ones that you need to watch out for. I made the mistake of reconnecting with an old flame on facebook. I thought that he was friending me to say hello but it did not turn out that way. It actually turned out to be very bad and his motives were not innocent. My marriage was on the verge of ruin as a result of this contact. He is on his 3rd marriage (kids by his wives and they have kids from previous marriages) and this says a lot about the person who he is. I ended up telling my husband about the entire encounter and advised the ex that he was no longer allowed to call or e-mail or we would be contacting an attorney. Again, you need to know who you are dealing with before you accept facebook friend requests from an ex.

When my old flame contacted me on Facebook, it was to apologize for the way he had treated me when we broke up, 25 years ago. He is happily married and so am I--he didn't look me up to hit on me. He just felt badly about what had happened and wanted to say he was sorry.

His doing so healed an old wound. It was a gracious and kind thing to do, and I consider my entire Facebook experience to be worth it because of that.

His wife and I are now Facebook friends. (My husband doesn't really do Facebook.) Unless you feel you have to hide things from your partner, I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes in either cyberspace or real life. To cut yourself off, as a matter of course, from half the human race says to me that you aren't very secure in your feelings for your partner--or in your ability to act ethically and like a grown-up when you might be tempted.

To Mark who lamented that the blog focused on married couples: I can't change the blog, but I think some of the same concepts can be applied if you are single. If you are in a committed, non-married relationship, should you maintain contact with exes? If you are single and remain friends with an ex who is now in their own committed relationship, are you causing an issue for them?

I don't think there is a clear cut answer for everyone, but if you are dating someone who is frequently involved with past exes, you will want to establish boundaries and determine what works for you. Otherwise you are heading for a world of drama.

I think the point of this post was to investigate the social consequences caused by new media, namely facebook. I've had "internet friends" and have been extensively involved with online communities for at least 12 years, but for a lot of people, facebook has really brought this concept forward for the first time. This huge shift into instantaneous information gleaning, usually annonymous, has no script, we don't know how this is going to affect the larger scope of our relationships to family, in dating, and in educationing our kids (who spend far more time with new media than a lot of us do).

The answers aren't going to be the same for everyone, but it's definitely worth looking closely at our own lives and relationships and setting boundaries.

Good article, and interesting comments, but I am wondering- since the author is a professor, does she have any statistics on the possibility of friendships between men and women, any studies done? What I see here is that everybody has a very clear opinion on this topic, but it's based on their life experience. Since we don't base almost any important knowledge in life on personal life experience alone, why should we do it differently here? I mean, some are BFFs with old boyfriends, others never want to see them again - its like the blind men and the elephant- some say it's all ear, the others say it's a huge leg...

This is an excellent post. I think that many times "friending" exes on Facebook can have disastrous results. In my case, I have remained "friends" with my former spouse and former "flame" on Facebook. It is understood that this is the extent of the relationship. I am happily committed to my husband.

Great post! I feel another issue with exes on Facebook that I unwittingly learned the hard way is that it can be an outlet for them to air grievances against you for all of your "friends" to see. Some will take issue with every post you make that they disagree with and may go so far as to make a capital case out of it.

It's not really worth having to explain to your spouse the issues from a previous relationship that you thought was dead and buried. It will only annoy both you and your spouse and give you both unnecessary negativity and bitterness towards the ex.

I thought that this post was well written, and very thought provoking and I agree with the author 100%.

But I'd really like to address Maman A Droit's comment. Not everything written has to apply to every group of people. It's obviously an article for married women so if you're single its not going to apply to you, just like an article for single women probably isn't going to apply to those who are married. If you want articles written solely for singles go to a website *for* singles and don't accuse someone of intentionally ignoring a group just because it didn't apply to you.

My wife and I share an email account. Neither of us has anything behind a password the other can't see. We share a computer and all files/pictures/etc are available to either. No FaceBook.

I can appreciate the reasoning behind this post for those whose "old flames" are from 10-20 years ago--there is no logical necessity to reconnect with them, and you probably will cause minimal hurt feelings if you never respond to friend requests.

This post leaves the situation of younger people completely unaddressed, however. I have an ex-bf from high school that became a genuinely platonic friend before college. We were starting out first year in college in 2004 (when facebook was invented), so we have been fb friends from the very beginning. Three people I almost/sort of dated in college were fb friends long before we shared any feelings, and because nothing really bad happened and we didn't hate each other, we didn't defriend each other from fb. We still have mutual friends, as well--lots of mutual friends. Now two of them are married, as am I. I invited two of them to my wedding, in fact.

Younger women don't have the choice of whether or not they want to add old boyfriends to fb--they are already on there. Instead of relying on a total lack of contact to prevent emotional affairs, etc. the only real answer, in my mind, is simple self-discipline.

Just one point: No matter the relationship, do not ever put anything in an email or on Facebook that you don't want the whole world to see, because it's possible they will.

Guy's perspective. I really think it "depends" on a lot of things. My put: Search your heart, and search again. Motives can be mixed and our hearts can be deceitful. If there's ever been a sexual relationship or continued thoughts about sex with that person (whether acted upon or not), best just to not go there. But I know different couples are more open with each other, and more willing to permit interaction with former ex's, lovers, and friends, and I can't speak for everyone.

I know this post isnt exactly about the quesiton "Can men and women be friends" but it sure seems to be coming up a lot in the comments.

I'm wondering if you're aware of a new book that is out on the subject "Sacred Unions Sacred Passions" by Dan Brennan. He lays out a historical and theological case for close male-female friendship. It's very well researched. Anyone here reading it?

I believe that any woman's relationship to a married man should be *through* his wife.

I should have no reason to try to reach past any man's wife to get to him--even my genetic brother, and our mom believes the same. After all, a man and his wife are one. Same of course for any man's relationship with a married woman--just go through her husband.

I'm fb-friends with my old bf and his wife--and I'm truly happy for them that they have each other. No drama or sick fancy. Just wholesome, Christ-honoring love for both.

I see that some couples use a join facebook account and/or a joint email address. That seems most wise!

Elisabeth,

While I fully respect your position, I think there are other options that honor Christ as well. I have male friends, and my husband has female friends that we are close to as "brothers and sisters in Christ." There's no "drama or sick fantasy" they are friends who make our lives better, just like same-gender friends do.

The book I mentioned above does a good job of laying out the historic case for why men and women can be friends - and one of the things he points out is that in the ancient world, the brother-sister pair were often more emotioanlly connected than the husband-wife pair since marriages were arranged for financial purposes, not love. So, when the bible calls us brothers and sisters in Christ, there is a deep history on which to draw.

I think many of the comments reflect that the "answer" is not the same for everyone. If something is a temptation for you, avoid it (as alcoholics completely avoid what is scripturally permitted since it is a stumbling block for them). This post is worthwhile in that it probes into motivations of which we all need to be careful, but for those for whom these are not an issue,they won't go and drop every "old flame" from their lists.

I agree with the post above (Austeneyre). If there is a temptation, it is best not to go there. Especially if you have not seen or spoken to the old flame in years - you don't really know his/her true intentions, why they were seeking you out. Perhaps it is to rekindle something lost because their life is unfulfilled. When in doubt, go with your gut instinct!!

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This was an excellent post and I really enjoyed reading it. We have to be very vigilant in protecting our marriages even more so in the day in time we are living in. There is no respect for is God ordained institution that God gave us as a beautiful gift to glorify him. I will say that I not sure If I agree about the not dating(unless I misunderstood). I believe it is necessary to get to know someone and at the same time I don't believe Christians should engage in frivolous dating hoping from one person to the next.

My husband and I dated 6 months before we were married.

@Sara... sounds like he may just have added you to mass mail. If I were you, honestly I would not lose any sleep over just respond with remove in the subject line and move on....

Great post. I would like to pick up on what has been a minor thread in the comments so far, the issue of Christian "dating." I am 29 years old and have never really "dated" anyone. Over the years I have had some very close male friends, one of which wanted the relationship to be more than platonic. At that point in my life I had no desire to be in a marriage relationship, and I had been raised to believe that the end goal for a "dating" relationship was marriage. If I was not open to the idea of marriage with that person, then I had no business being in a dating relationship with him. That particular male friend and I were very open about our differences and while we did break off the friendship for a while, he is now happily married and we are still really good friends. Honesty in whatever relationship you happen to be in is a great policy.

Now, eight years later, I am currently in a relationship that seems odd -- even to me, but which is refreshing in its purity and God-centeredness. Rather than dating, or merely being "in a relationship," we are in a courtship, an intentional relationship in which two people seek compatibility in marriage. We met in August and have gotten to know each other in a very general way since then. When we first met, he would not be alone with me -- not even to offer me a ride to or from church! Being a liberated female, I found that odd, but endearing. I chose to interpret his stance as his caring more about me and my reputation than I did. It was powerfully attractive! As it became obvious that there was a mutual interest between us, I came to appreciate his reserve more and more. It was unlike anything I had experienced before. There was a complete lack of pressure to be or to do anything I wasn't ready for, but the neutral group setting in which we came to know each other allowed for a growing attraction and mutual appreciation to develop and deepen. (As a happily single graduate student, I had anything but marriage in mind when we first met. Thus, I needed a lot of time to think about the situation!) It also allowed me to observe his interactions with others. He wasn't "performing" for me. He was living out his faith among God's people, which allowed me to see who he really was without the filter of "belonging" to each other in some way. And the same principle held true for him.

When we began to have conversations by email and over the phone we discussed his stance on our not being alone together. While I respected and appreciated his convictions on that point, especially in the beginning stages of our friendship, refraining from one-on-one time with male friends was not my standard and never had been. I have had many platonic friendships and in all of them honesty about intentions/attraction etc. was always a safeguard against unproductive emotional and physical entanglements. After he and I discussed the issue, we were able to compromise once we began our formal courtship and now have our alone time in public places. We do not hang out in each others' apartments alone nor does physical contact play a part in our relationship at all.

Although he is in his mid 30s and I am in my late twenties, he did speak to my dad out of respect for me and my family. In truth, he and I could have done whatever wanted since we are both adults and live in a different state from my parents, but speaking with my father was a respectful way of making the courtship more serious and committed. We are not engaged, but we are intentionally finding out whether we will be a good match for marriage. We are currently in pre-engagement counseling to help us think about issues and questions that will help us decide that.

Granted, this approach may not be for everyone, but I do believe that it is a viable option to simple "dating." The Christian standard should be different -- higher -- than that of the world. Taking an approach like this would greatly reduce the uncertainty and the pain of repeated relationships and the "old flame" question. It is not as drastic as the dreaded "arranged marriage" referred to earlier in the comments, but it is well-thought out and head- vs. heart- driven. It is also very God-centered. If the head is in the right place, the heart has no problem helping the process along, whatever the final decision might be.

Hello I'm single. I'm currently re-friending my last boyfriend. The process has been ongoing since 2007. I've kept him at arms length for several years. Gradually my parents became friends with him too and started mentioning about his FB activities. Now we're in direct contact. It's still quite awkward. :-)

Hey - I've been married for 35 years and I can't even REMEMBER who I dated. Problem solved.

Hi I stumbled upon this because just recently I had to block my ex (I'm a repentant homosexual, now MAN) and I got emotional cause I do remember the fun times we had and the thrill of just even hearing his voice or seeing him say hi to me. But when I read the last part kinda spoke to me that although it is nothing, it's the same as idolatry... depending on him to give me the joy God can truly give, and of course it's evil as well that I am revisiting my love for a man, which I have repented a long time ago. So, thank you so much for this blog post and hope this could inspire more people :)

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