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« A Concerning Nobel Prize | Main | Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, and a Young Man's Death »

October 11, 2010

Domestic Abuse: Coming to a Church Near You

Christian filmmaker Olivia Klaus goes inside California prisons to hear the stories of survivors of domestic violence who killed their husbands.

Christine A. Scheller

“How long am I to remain in this relationship?” This is the haunting question 65-year-old Glenda Crosley asks in the documentary Sin by Silence, about the abusive husband she killed in 1986. She has been in prison for as long as she was married — 24 years — and wonders when her ordeal will be over.

In the film, shot almost entirely inside the California Institution for Women, Crosley says the first time her husband, Sam, “truly got physical” was when she was eight months pregnant with their second child. He shoved her into a wall. Eventually she came to believe that the violence wouldn’t end until one of them was dead. According to The Bakersfield Californian, at the time of Sam’s murder, the couple was separated and having an argument in a parking lot. When Sam walked away from her car to the trunk of his, she believed he was going to get the tire iron he had threatened her with the week before. She rammed him once, drove away, then turned her car and hit him again. He died at the scene.

Elizabeth Leonard is the author of Convicted Survivors and a professor at Vanguard University, a Christian college in Costa Mesa, California. She says in the film that women who leave abusive relationships are often subject to “separation assault” and are 75 percent more likely to be murdered than before they left. So the answer to the question: Why didn’t she just leave? is not a simple one. In the same 2009 Bakersfield Californian article, Crosley’s daughter Stacy is quoted as saying she remembers her mother trying to leave several times and each of them ending with her father’s rage. She even blames herself for her father’s death because one of the times her mother returned was because a judge wouldn’t release her from a group home unless her parents were living together.

“We are offenders, but we’re victims,” says Brenda Clubine in another Sin by Silence scene. Clubine is founder of Convicted Women Against Abuse (CWAA), the support group at the heart of the film. Brenda’s tireless work helped change California law in 1992 to allow expert testimony on Battered Women’s Syndrome into court rooms and again in 2002 to allow women whose convictions predated the 1992 ruling the same right on appeal. Clubine tells viewers, “This group is not about staying in the victim role.” It starts there, helping women to recognize the process that led them to murder their spouses, but then its goals move to education about and eradication of domestic violence.

Twenty CWAA members have been released from prison in the nine years since director-producer and Vanguard professor Olivia Klaus first began attending its meetings. A desperate phone call from a friend started her on a journey to find out why abuse happens, why the one-in-four American women who experience it stay, and how they can get out. Klaus says, “Being from a Christian family, I never thought domestic violence would come into my circle. . . . It completely shattered my world.” Klaus turned to Leonard, a colleague at Vanguard. Leonard told her that if she really wanted to understand domestic violence and help her friend, she needed to go with her to prison to “learn from the experts.”

Klaus says, “From that first day, these women completely changed my life. . . . What society has labeled as murderers, I see as mothers, as grandmothers, or even myself. Domestic violence has no boundaries and it can happen to anyone, and it can happen to the point where you have to defend yourself.” The 32-year-old filmmaker adds, “Spiritually, this film has been the glue for my beliefs. Once my friend opened up to me about her relationship and once I met these women, I could no longer see the world with rose-colored glasses. . . . Domestic violence is something that we’ve overlooked for far too long. We have women in our churches who are in pain and need help.”

Klaus hopes that other women’s groups will do as the women of Newport Church in Newport Beach have done. The women not only gave generously to finance Sin By Silence, they also provide significant support and resources for CWAA women when they are released from prison.

Throughout October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Sin by Silence can be seen at Constellation.tv in virtual screenings that are hosted by key project participants. Among them is Brenda Clubine. Her heartbreaking and hope filled story provides this film with an ending so surprising that you will have to see it for yourself to believe it. I urge you to do so. But don’t stop there. How about turning your next church women’s social into an opportunity to respond to domestic violence?

Comments

I saw this movie 13 months ago.
I guess I don't understand why this is presented as
an "new" movie.
This is worthwhile moviemaking. High production qualities.
The type of movie capable of moving people to change - whether it be the abuser, a victim, or the outside observer who needs to better understand the full scope of domestic violence issues. This movie also identifies another far-reaching issue - our country's need to explore the immediate need to rethink incarceration and our entrenched punitive mindset.

Every person needs to see this film! I saw it a few months ago and it completely changed my life!!!

This will not alter the stance of various pastors here, who have told my friend she "has no Biblical grounds" for leaving nor divorcing the murderous beast of a "husband" . . who is also indoctrinating the 11-year-old daughter that this is how a wife's life is to be--death threats, police calls, no prosecution because the wife fears he'll kill her parents. The daughter hides in the closet when he comes home but in the end, she will probably find a lying male just like him who lures her in with promises of taking care of her. Their only way out according to the pastors (who believe the abuser mouthing the words "I'm saved" and bond with the abuser) is if he would commit adultery. Until that happens, they live in torment. And the pastors call this a "marriage".

I understand the Biblical stance on divorce. The problem is, some states like ours have no legal SEPARATION that allows a fleeing wife access to finances and gravely endangered children. And so they stay, waiting to be killed. Every time there is a murder-suicide in the local news about a KNOWN devil like this, I pray it is not my friend. I've had it with pastors calling such circumstances a "marriage".

I worked in a domestic violence shelter, and the experience changed my life. Women don't know what to do or HOW to leave. They are terrified and often without any resources. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. I've been starting to teach my daughters the signs of abusive people: controlling, isolating you, cycles of insults and then gift giving, psychological abuse, name-calling, etc. This problem extends into early dating. It's not just physical abuse at first. It's the psychological abuse that needs to come to the light.

Domestic violence is NOT just a crime against women. Please see this article at http://www.dvmen.org/dv-139.htm#prone which is written by the woman who opened the first shelter for women Erin Pizzey.
There are many many men out there who are being physically, mentally and emotionally abused by their wives and they have no one to turn to. Men who are abused are far more likely to remain quiet about it due to embarrassment and the plain fact that the law is not on their side. When a man beats up a woman, right away he’s put in a program for batterers. He’s helped to deal with his problems. He’s also sometimes sent to jail. But when a woman does it, it’s passed off as no big deal. No one says, ‘Gosh if you’re acting this way, you might be troubled.’ Erin Pizzey states,"There are as many violent women as men, but there’s a lot of money (now) in hating men. The activists (at the shelters) aren’t there to help women come to terms with what’s happening with their lives. They’re there to fund their budgets, their conferences, and their statements against men."

There is incredible abuse of the system to which women report domestic violence. Evidence continues to mount that upwards of 75% of these protection orders may be an abuse of process. And these arguments ignore the civil rights violations inherent in every one of these orders. This for a system that clearly does not provide the intended protection.

"The terrorist is the family member whose moods reign supreme in the family, whose whims and actions determine the emotional climate of the household. In this setting, the terrorist could be described as the family tyrant, for within the family, this individual maintains the control and power over the other members' emotions.
The family of the emotional terrorist well may be characterized as violent, incestuous, dysfunctional, and unhappy, but it is the terrorist or tyrant who is primarily responsible for initiating conflict, imposing histrionic outbursts upon otherwise calm situations, or (more subtly and invisibly) quietly manipulating other family members into uproar through guilt, cunning taunts, and barely
perceptive provocations. (The quiet manipulative terrorist usually is the most undetected terrorist. Through the subtle creation of perpetual turmoil, this terrorist may virtually drive other family members to alcoholism, to drug-addiction, to explosive behavior, to suicide. The other family members, therefore, are often misperceived
as the 'family problem' and the hidden terrorist as the saintly woman who "puts up with it all."
If you as a woman, see yourself in this description seek help rather than continuing down such a destructive path.

Friendly Reminder: Please do not utilize this site to promote or advertise. This means those of you who have a decided flair for it.

I just shared this with my Facebook friends.

@Ellen, I agree with your frustration over pastors who call such a relationship a "marriage". I've heard of cases like the one you describe, and I simply can't fathom how a Godly man can look a battered woman in the eye and say she doesn't have grounds for divorce.

To say such a thing is forgetting the two greatest commandments: to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can it be loving to our neighbors to put the law (against divorce except in cases of adultery) above their lives, to ignore the affect upon the children, and to ignore the abuser's sin? How can it be loving to God to allow sin to continue without restraint?

This will not alter the advice (control) of various pastors here, who have told my friend she "has no Biblical grounds" for leaving nor divorcing the murderous beast of a "husband" . . who is also indoctrinating the 11-year-old daughter that this is how a wife's life is to be--beaten/thrown against the wall, death threats, police calls, no prosecution because the wife fears he'll kill her parents. The little girl hides in the closet when he comes home but in the end, she will probably find a lying male to marry, just like him who lures her in with promises of taking care of her.

Their only way out according to the pastors (who fall for the abuser mouthing the words "I'm saved" and bond with the abuser) is if he would commit adultery. Until that happens, they live in torment. And the pastors call this a "marriage".

I understand the Biblical stance on divorce. The problem is, some states like ours have no legal SEPARATION that allows a fleeing wife access to household finances and gravely endangered children. And so they stay, in terror, waiting to be killed.

Every time there is a murder-suicide in the local news about a KNOWN devil like this, I pray it is not my friend.

I've had it with pastors calling such circumstances a "marriage" . . a "Christian marriage" . . that should be saved at ALL cost including the victims' lives.

A couple of months ago a friend and I attended Baruch HaShem Messianic Fellowship in Dallas, TX - the speaker that day was Dr. Jeffrey Sief - and he used that weeks Torah portion to give his message. Of the top of my head I can't remember the where it was, but the whole section was dealing with crazy things in regards to women (if you invade a village and you see a woman you like she must shave her head...etc) and on the surface the whole section looks horrible - but then Dr. Sief both a Jew and a former policeman started giving cultural and male insight into the passages that showed just how much God loves women, even in the Old Testament - that all of these randomly weird laws were in fact to protect women from men's basest desires. Both my friend and I came from disastrous homes (I too understand what its like when a pastor takes the man's side as my mother seeked a divorce from my father) and we both came away from that message feeling incredibly loved by our Creator.

It makes me sick when pastors help keep women "in their place" instead of helping them to escape.

As for those who are talking about the plight of abused men... keep it up! Its a weird time we are living in and its a new issue that people don't realize exists. While I don't believe the statement that there are just as many female abusers as male abusers there are many men out there that have no where to go.

The issue of wife abuse in the Church was the main theme of the The Moody Monthly, May 1986, magazine. It encouraged me to see an evangelical magazine face this crisis head on. If you have access to a library that archives The Moody Monthly, I strongly suggest searching for the May 1986 issue. Unfortunately this deplorable activity is still alive and well evangelical churches.

Not sure why so many pastors continue to use the Bible's "teaching" on divorce when dealing with abuse, male or female. Jesus is answering a deceitful inquiry, one meant to trap him, by addressing two separate interpretations of divorce extant in his day. He refers them to original intent in Genesis and, mostly, agreeing with Hillel who was more conservative. The context of the Law which he was addressing was protection of a women's rights in case of divorce. Since a woman in OT times had few options outside of marriage, especially if she was not "pure", being put out in divorce without cause was tantamount to a sentence of poverty and perhaps prostitution (in a sense it abused her as a person created in the image of God). The law was meant to protect her, not enslave her. Please, pastors, be careful that in straining out the gnat you don't swallow the camel, and find yourself transgressing the law of love that Jesus gave us.

I remember the first time I saw Sin by Silence. So many tears streamed down my face because I saw myself in these women. Their lives could have been my own. In my relationship, I remember some nights thinking that, that night would be my last. I was lucky!

I IMPLORE EVERYONE TO SEE THIS FILM!! Show it to your daughters, show it to your families, show it in your churches, show it to your friends you are worried about. We must break the silence of abuse, and a great start is with this film!!!!

I firmly believe (and statistics bear this out) that strict hierarchy in marriage relationships makes spousal and child abuse more likely. When a man is intent on asserting his "authority" over his wife and children, he believes that it is his God-given right to dominate and control them. This often leads to physical and emotional abuse. Which is why it is far, far more common in Christian circles than anyone wants to believe. When women are told it is their God-given responsibility to "submit" to their husbands in all things as unto "the Lord," they become nothing more than chattel and slaves who have no power in the relationship. Which means they do not have the option of resisting abuse or running from it, as they should and as surely God would approve. This is a serious problem. And it could be combatted by encouraging equality in marriage and a balance of power between husband and wife.

Laura writes: "@Ellen, I agree with your frustration over pastors who call such a relationship a "marriage". I've heard of cases like the one you describe, and I simply can't fathom how a Godly man can look a battered woman in the eye and say she doesn't have grounds for divorce."

It's very easy when he has the "word of God" to quote at her. After all, the Bible itself claims that the only grounds for divorce is adultery. Not being screamed at. Not being threatened. Not watching your children being abused. Not even being raped or beaten or battered or nearly killed. In the eyes of God, in the words of the Bible, none of these are legitimate reasons for a woman to divorce her abuser. God says the only way she can escape this 'marriage' is if her husband commits adultery. Because having a one-night stand is, in the eyes of God, much worse than beating a woman nearly to death.

And you're certainly not going to argue with the timeless and unchanging word of God, right?

Kathleen, It sounds as if you're being facetious to demonstrate what an irresponsible pastor might say to an abused woman. In case you're being serious ... the Bible commands men to love their wives as Christ loved the church, which is sacrificially. If a husband is violating his wedding vows by beating his wife rather than loving her, he is committing a different kind of adultery.

If a woman is truly physically abused (beaten,shoved,pushed) and a pastor tells her she has no grounds to leave, she should point out to the pastor that there is a higher moral ethical ground to which scripture alludes, and that is the protection of life. Scripture seems to indicate that the very highest moral and ethical obligation is that of sustaining and protecting life.This is also why God makes the distinction between murder and killing. Sometimes protecting life may result in the taking of life by law enforcement, soldiers, a citizen protecting family. This is the higher moral obligation. If you have to choose between seemingly two sins (ie. lying or life), you choose life. If you are a woman whose life is at risk, the higher moral obligation for you is to protect your life and that of your children. The same advice is for a man whose wife is the family terrorist, who may carry out threats of violence to her family. The man may need to leave to protect his life first, so that he can ultimately protect the lives of the children. Unfortunately, the system works differently for men, so they need to consult an informed attorney or counselor versed in domestic violence toward men.
Again,for any sister or brother in Christ to know, the bottom line in cases of physical abuse is the protection of life. Any pastor should fall back on this and recall that the ancient Egyptian midwives were praised for lying because they chose to protect life. This clearly demonstrates the hierarchy of moral choices. Protect life first.

The best option is to remove yourself and your children from the physical abuser. Otherwise, you may end up in prison for taking a life (self-defense) in order to protect a life. Then you are not there for your children.

We are often taught that all sins are the same. Scripture does not teach this. Scripture teaches that the consequence of sin (separation from God) is the same and that all have sinned. However, some passages even seem to indicate levels of punishment (Matt 10:15)for grave sins such as hurting or offending a child. So, you do NOT avoid sin by remaining in an abusive marriage because you do not believe in divorce. The greater sin is failure to protect your life and the life of your children. Choose life. You do not need a pastor to tell you this or affirm your decision. You alone are responsible for making the right choice. Once you understand that there is a hierarchy of moral ethics it frees you to make the right decision - the decision to protect life.

InterVarsity Press has just reissued a book called No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger
and Nancy Nason-Clark. It sounds like a good one. Here's a description: http://www.ivpress.com/cgi-ivpress/book.pl/code=3838

My friends at church have helped me plan for my safety but also don't want me to give up on my marriage. In some ways I feel like if I were to leave my husband I'd be telling God I don't believe in His power to change my situation. So I have become very deferential and submissive, while waiting for God to convict my husband that our problems in marriage are not just MY problems but HIS problems too.

Maggie, I'm hesitant to respond to your comment because I don't t know the details of your situation, but I don't want to leave what sounds like a plea for help unanswered so here goes:

If your husband is violent, the most loving thing may be to allow him to live with the consequences of his actions, and by that I mean getting out of harm's way and trusting God to deal with him. If he's violent, the problem is his.

May God give you wisdom and courage to know and do what's right.

Best blessings~

Maggie, if you're in danger, get out of there now.
Any 'friend' that puts a marriage ahead of your personal safety is no friend at all -- and the fact that you need to have a safety plan tells me that the situation is already very serious.

As for you waiting for God to convict your husband: I'm sure I don't need to tell you that women have ended up in a grave that way.

Please do not wait. Act as if your life is at stake because it very well could be.

@@Maggie - my heart aches for you. As others, I do not know your situation - but I do know it's not wrong to leave if your safety (not just physical but emotional and mental) is at stake.

God does have the power to change your husband - but he also has give your husband free will; if your husband is using that will to damage you then please seriously look at going. I've watched friends think a similar way and they've been lucky to escape - but they've made it. Just.

They've survived, they've built a new life, and no one can look at them and say that they defied God or did what was wrong. Please please get help. As a friend, I've waited for the moment my friends were able to say, 'help me' and walk out of their marriage. There's not much I have been able to do until that instant, even though it hurt to see them suffer when I knew they didn't have to.

I pray you have the right people around you to support you(and if friends have helped you make an escape plan it sounds like you could be in good hands), offer no judgement, and keep you safe. But PLEASE don't think you deserve it, or that one day he'll change. And don't be a martyr. RUN.

Maggie, surely God has the power to change your husband and heal your marriage. But if you or your children are being abused, please run, don't walk, out the door. God can do all those things while you are out of harm's way. It doesn't mean you are giving up on your marriage. It means you are preserving your life, while still praying and allowing God to work in your husband's heart. "Being submissive" never convinced a bully to back down. Stand up for yourself and GET OUT. If your "friends" don't like it, they aren't your friends. Go to a shelter or the police, where they have the resources to give you the support you need.

Thank you so much for this post! It's so important for Christian abuse survivors to hear this message! Domestic abuse--both physical and emotional--has been overlooked by the church for far too long, sometimes intentionally.

As someone who came out of an abusive relationship, I know that it can happen to anyone, and while you may think you know how you'd react in the face of abuse, the truth is you have no idea until you're there. Believe me when I say that abusers subject the victims in these situations to systematic psychological conditioning that is akin to brainwashing. By the time the abuse has escalated to the point that others outside the family are aware, the victim is so frightened, demoralized, and confused that it's like being a paralyzed rabbit in front of a snake.

To those women (or men) who have been persuaded to stay with an abuser by Bible-thumping, legalistic pastoral staff, I say this: Jesus prohibited divorce and remarriage, yes, but he didn't prohibit separation. You are free to walk away as long as you don't remarry. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. You're not "helping" your husband by teaching him that it's okay to terrorize and abuse you.

being submissive and all that never worked for me. it just made my exhusband feel he had all the more power, til one day he nearly killed me...inflicting serious injuries that were disabling. Then he stole my four young daughters and I never got them back. Contrary to what some out of date people think, the courts are NOt tilted in mothers' favor for child custody. The abusive dads OFTEN aggressively take the kids and NEVER let the moms have them again... til the kids are either dead or severely damaged. It's about 50% of such dads that get custody, because they go for it instead of letting the nurturant parent take care of the kids.

For 10 years I waited on, prayed for and believed God to "change" my abusive spouse so we could "honor" God, His Word and remain a "family." It wasn't until a Christian friend prayed that I bring my children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord that I heard God's voice tell me that abuse was not His nurture and admonition. He said it didn't matter how many church services I attended or Bible lessons I taught my children;He told me I was teaching them one thing and showing them another. That was the day that I found strength to leave home with my children.

I kept my heart open continuously for reconciliation in the event my husband ever repented. Unfortunately, to this day he tells me I had no right to leave him. He said that if it took 10 more years for him to change I should have stuck it out.

We've been divorced now for three years. I lived in a hoola hoop with questioning my decision and flirting with returning because of the poverty my children and I lived in. And if I'm really honest, I loved the part of my husband that wasn't mean and menacing. That was the husband I wanted to return to.

Again, three years later and no significant attempt by my ex to re-establish a covenant, I'm finally sensing a "spiritual release" from my spouse that I never experienced before. I no longer question my decision to leave although my financial circumstances have not changed much. I finally feel like a free woman who has escaped a type of Egypt, currently living in the wilderness but on her way to the promised land.

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