Hermenuetics

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How do I regulate text for my 16, 14, and 12 year old children? I wish I knew how! In fact, I am frustrated and baffled about how to deal with my kids texting, and usually I feel guilty for being so ineffective as well. My kids know that I reserve the right to spot-inspect their texts (a lock code in effect on the device gets it taken away for 2 days), but I have only ever looked once in the 3 years we've had the text plan. The texts I saw weren't explicit, but there was one where my son called my husband and me "total nerds". (Lesson: don't plow through your kids' texts lightly; you may get more than you bargained for.) My one consolation is that our kids' verbal communication with their peers is equally out of our knowledge and control. Every generation of teens (16-year-old me included) has had the freedom to be, in the company of their peers, something their parents didn't exactly approve of. So perhaps we in this first wave of digital parenting are not as at sea as we feel. Our parents navigated these waters and lived to tell the tale.

Posted By: Anne Kirkby | November 2, 2010 12:24 PM

I control texting using a novel little tool, it's called parenting. Since I pay for and thus OWN my children's phones I am free to collect said phones at any given time a scroll through the text messages. Our home is ruled by two benevolent dictators, the parents. We are married and love each other and our children. The children are allowed to use what we give them, but all items are subject to confiscation if said item is misused in any way. Each child has jobs for which he or she receives pay. That pay is then taxed by the benevolent dictators to provide for their futures (part of it put in their savings accounts).

The children are not required to remain in this benevolent dictatorship however so long as they do, they are required to live by the laws of the land. We discuss changing laws from time to time and have made adjustments

We had one issue with a child misusing a cell phone. He lost that privilege a year ago. We hope to be able to return the cell phone to him, but he will need to prove himself first. The other who retains his phone is prohibited from using it from 9PM to 7AM. I do use the parental controls from the cell provider to accomplish this.

I do not think children are or should be "inextricably connected to social media". Mine do not have facebook, twitter or even smart phones. They have simple cell phones with texting capabilities. As a result we have conversations, we have dinner together and we have family time. This is what I believe teenagers should be inextricably connected too. My oldest child is 16. It can be done. It's not a death sentence.

Posted By: Elisabeth | November 2, 2010 12:32 PM

Well, I have a 3 year old and a one year old, but I do pray that I can be a parent like Elisabeth...one who cares and parents as such!

Posted By: jessica | November 2, 2010 1:00 PM

This is kind of off topic, but TV Guardians are great. My family has one, and they do work by "muting" bad language. They also have them now for HDTV (read: it works with high-def TV).

Posted By: Lisa | November 2, 2010 1:42 PM

Teens that use already use bad language and send inappropriate photos through text messages will not be stopped by censors. Many online computer gamers communicate through a text-based chat system. Most games have built in censors, similar to Apple's, that block curse words. Most teens simply learn different ways to spell the curse words, thus making the censoring futile.

Also, I would never want anyone but myself going through my child's text messages (an unpaid intern???), regardless of what they're sending.

Posted By: Caleb | November 2, 2010 4:34 PM

Amen Elizabeth!

Posted By: Jamie | November 3, 2010 8:55 AM

Sorry. It's naive to think that what we do is not recorded somewhere nowadays. In this day and age there are cameras everywhere we go, from the street, to offices and stores.

At work, companies are able to read and review every single email or phone message you send. Even churches have filters for texts and images in their computers too, because you never know what your pastor or leader is going to be spending his time on.

Wake up people. Most parents do not know how to say no and kids as young as 6 have cell phone, ipods and tweens (pre teens) have notebooks even tough they are not mature to handle them. Don't get me started on video games and internet games!

God corrected Samuel in the Old Testament for not making his sons stop doing bad things...As parents, this generation is going to have a lot to answer to God.

Posted By: Lilly | November 3, 2010 10:07 AM

Here's another option to "policing": Our kids did not get cell phones till they started to drive. At that point we bought them each a basic prepaid phone, and they are responsible for refilling their minutes or buying texting plans. Since each call or text is paid for with their own hard-earned money, they use their phones responsibly.

Posted By: Cindy | November 4, 2010 8:43 AM

I remember cell phones started to get big when I was about a junior or senior in high school. Not many people had them. I thought it was good that most of the teens didn't have them, granted back then all you could do was call people! Too bad those didn't stick around.

As a youth leader I see the 11 year olds with the cell phones that have everything. It scares me a lot for them. What are they looking at? The average age of kids exposed to porn is 11, so that's why I get most nervous for them.

Posted By: Victoria / Justice Pirate | November 4, 2010 10:05 AM

Honestly, after having gone through much trial and error with the first of 5 children, we have arrived at the following:

We provide a "child" cell phone that is shared among the children on a "need to have" basis - we give it to them when they are going to be at a friends, at a sports practice or separate from us at the mall, etc., so that we can get hold of them.

We block all text, downloads, and internet access until the age of 18. Its just too hard to police, ends up being a huge waste of time, and retards the development of their verbal communication and social skills.

Facebook is mostly discourage prior to the age of 15 or 16, and then we have to be a friend and have the passwords in our possession so we can review emails whenever we want.

Also, use the program Spectra pro on the computer - a keylogger program that records every word typed and screen snapshots of everything done on the computer. Have informed the kids about this, so they know everything they do or say on the computer is monitored. And have also told them they should expect this on any computer, other than one they personnally own and control as an adult. They should learn not to expect privacy on a computer owned by someone else, whether that is a library, school, employer, or parent. Its important to build good computer use habits early so that they do not embarass themself with inappropriate usage on the job.

And yes, what kids say verbally to each other when alone is not controllable, but the scope of dissemination is limited. Texts and computer posts can have a life of their own and be much more widely circulated than personal verbal communications.

Posted By: Michelle | November 4, 2010 12:37 PM

Okay, I am totally laughing at the homework/grammar thing. Seriously? Hilarious.

My children are too young for cell phones, but I adore texting. As a visual learner it is 10 times easier for me to text than to talk. Of course, I would never dream of "sexting." When my children are old enough and responsible enough to own cell phones(that they have helped to purchase with their own money), there will be a contract for them to sign that outlines the proper use of the phone and the consequences for improper use. I would caution parents about using some sort of blocking software as a subsitute for good parenting.

Posted By: Robyn | November 4, 2010 2:14 PM

Thanks for all the great input, everyone. Our kids are 10 and under, so we don't have to deal with cell phones yet (and thankfully, none of my oldest sons' friends have them yet!). It is possible to say no, though -- my husband's sister and her husband simply said "No cell phone until you leave for college." Their youngest is a senior this year, and seems to be surviving just fine!

Posted By: Nancy | November 6, 2010 6:24 PM

I don't mean any offense at all, but sometimes it's easy to say that you'll say "no" to cell phones later on, but the truth is, you never know what your circumstances will be.

I have 3 daughters, and all 3 were all very, very involved in sports all through the school year, 5-6 days a week. They are each about 2-1/2 years apart, and so of course, if it was soccer season for instance, they'd have practices or games every day after school, and I'd have to pick them all up around 5:30, and they'd be scattered on different fields in different towns. You have no idea how many times that the coaches had to make last minute changes, and tell the kids they'd be playing on a different field than had been planned, and without my kids calling me on their phones, I'd have NO idea of the changes.

I hate to think of having one of them be stranded on a field in the dark (it's dark in Seattle at 5:30 in the winter), with no way to reach me. It actually did happen once, when one forgot to bring her phone, so it was kind of a nightmare. She was actually left alone on a field, and I just thank God that nothing happened to her, and yes, the coaches and/or one of the parents should have tried to reach me, but they did not. So, it brought a lot of peace of mind to know that they did have their phones if something came up.

Overall, the sports was really good for them, and none of them has ever gotten into any trouble at all, and they are all kids I'm very proud of. Two are now in college, and the 3rd is a senior in high school. That probably seems very far away now for you, but as they say, time really flies, and I cherish those times watching them play games, etc.

I also did check their messages occasionally when they were younger, and I can honestly say I was never disappointed. We have been very blessed with our girls, and I'm very thankful to God for them.

Posted By: Barbara | November 6, 2010 7:13 PM