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December 6, 2010Christ Lifts the Widow's Veil
In The Undistracted Widow, Carol Cornish says her husband’s death opened a door to dependence on God that marriage had not permitted
“How do you celebrate a wedding anniversary with only half of a couple?” asked Margaret Nyman only 26 days short of being wed to Nate for 40 years. Her husband, who had succumbed to pancreatic cancer six weeks after his diagnosis, passed away surrounded by his wife and seven grown children. Like many of Margaret’s widow friends had already realized before her, losing her husband to death turned Margaret's life upside-down and brought uncertainty at every turn.
The unwelcome transition into widowhood is traumatic and often misunderstood by those who have not been affected by such a loss. But since most women will outlive their husbands, it is reasonable to anticipate that many of us will be widows in our lifetime. And despite the fact that many mental-health professionals gauge the death of a spouse the number one stressor a person will face in their lifetime, most women are caught unaware of the significant challenges they must navigate once their husbands are gone.
Carol Cornish, in The Undistracted Widow: Living for God After Losing Your Husband (Crossway, 2010), provides hope and direction for widows who desire to remain devoted to God despite the harsh storms that accompany their new season of life. Even though scriptural encouragement for widows is plentiful, Christian widows are often scrambling for resources that speak to their specific pain and heartache. Grief and bereavement groups may provide social support and connection, but the woman seeking to embrace her widowhood from a God-honoring perspective may easily come up short or be led astray by worldly counsel about where to find comfort in a time of loss.
Cornish, who lost her husband to lung cancer, offers widows a biblical perspective that grew out of her own heartache and grief. The emotional shock of saying goodbye to her lover and friend of 40 years started her on a journey toward knowing God in a deeper, more trusting way. Through her study of Scripture and a heightened need to see God as sovereign over her loss, she began to collect her thoughts, prayers, and insights into a book that has become a treasure of wisdom for anyone struggling to trust and obey God in difficult circumstances.
The first step in Cornish's journey hinged on her willingness to understand her state of widowhood as “not simply a problem to be solved or a circumstance that must somehow be overcome,” but as a calling for her life that had been arranged by God. The notion that “God designed our widowhood . . . [and] all God’s designs flow from his love for us” seems incompatible with the suffering that accompanies such loss. But her desire to yield to God’s will instead of nursing an angry grudge or bitter suspicions about his goodness became the foundation for her healing and growth. The many biblical promises that God gives to widows, including that he will protect, uphold, maintain, and execute justice for the vulnerable and defenseless confirmed that God had not abandoned her. Over time, she discovered that her husband’s death opened a door to dependence on and devotion to God that marriage had not permitted.
But what would tempt a Christian widow away from this kind of undivided attention to God? There are many challenges to face, including loneliness, fear, self-pity, and the desire to seek comfort outside of God’s will. These struggles are universal but are intensified when a relationship that once brought fulfillment and joy has ended through the finality of death. Cornish is able to speak directly to such temptations and how she found ways to combat them, primarily through time in God’s Word, the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and a constant reminder that Christ was the treasure that she could never lose. Paul’s admonishment that the unmarried woman should “promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord” in 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 guides her assertion that “loving God and living for him is the key to honoring him in widowhood.” Her own experience confirms that God’s sufficiency in the midst of hard, even devastating circumstances manifests the beauty of Christ to a world that is terrified of death and seeks any possible distraction to quiet the restless, aching soul within.
Although this book has a specific audience in mind, Cornish communicates gospel truths that are not just for widows. She writes plainly and unwaveringly about the hard topic of grief and loss by acknowledging sorrow but not indulging it. As believers, we should grieve differently than the world does, but what that looks like realistically and practically is often mysterious. The Undistracted Widow removes the mystery by offering biblical wisdom, compassion, and honest answers to women who have found themselves on this path, and to those who want to walk beside and support them. Cornish conveys with first-hand authority and biblical conviction that beneath the frowning providence of widowhood lies a storehouse of spiritual blessings to any woman willing to look for such a treasure.
Lynn Roush is a counselor at The Crossing, an Evangelical Presbyterian church in Columbia, Missouri. She received her master's degree in counseling psychology from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. She has written about New Year's resolutions and Jon and Kate Plus 8 for Her.meneutics, and reviewed What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage for Christianity Today magazine.
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Comments
Called to be a widow? Really? At first, I thought you had chosen a deliberately controversial title for your article to get people to read it. I can understand, and even agree with a lot of what was said, but as I am training to be a counselor/pastor (and as a widow myself) I don't think I'd use that phrase. I'd end up spending more time trying to explain what I meant by it than necessary. (If you had said that when my husband died, I would have heard "God killed your husband to get your attention.")
Might be worth getting the book for my library, however. Thanks for the article.
Posted By: Darcyjo | December 6, 2010 1:43 PM
Just to clarify, for those who may be confused: widowhood is a bad thing that God can redeem for His glory. It is not a good thing to be pursued, and certainly not a "gift" from God.
Posted By: Andrew | December 6, 2010 1:44 PM
What has worked for me: Knowing that my beloved is happy (he didn't live to become a physical burden on me or our children-his greatest worry), I am happy for him. After two and a half years walking with the Lord, I am now having to realize that not everyone else is in such a close relationship with the Lord. They are not in constant practice of His presence (as I am working on) so I must not hold them accountable to me for their distractions. I just hope to reflect the joy of being so dependent on Him that they will want some of that as well. Patsy Momary
Posted By: Anonymous | December 6, 2010 3:14 PM
*not a good thing to pursue
Posted By: Andrew | December 6, 2010 3:22 PM
The first thing another widow told me when my husband died unexpectedly was 'You're going to make it." I needed that lifeline and hope; I needed other widows to model grieving to me and to show me how I was going to make it. I needed to realize I had choices in progressing through the grief or perpetuating it. I needed to know God was with me and that He had a life and purpose for me apart from my husband. It sounds like this book could have served me well. I hope it plants hope and a revitalized love for the Lord for many.
Posted By: Ferree Hardy | December 6, 2010 10:55 PM
I have to admit I'm not understanding the responses here...isn't the idea that God can take any circumstance, no matter how heartbreaking, and use it for good a commonly accepted Christian tenent? That's all I got from this review, is that God can use widowhood to deepen someone's relationship with Him. Hardly controversial.
Aside from that, I would hope that Christianity Today has some sort of blog comment policy, and insists that commenters be gracious even when they disagree with a post, book, or review. The comment posted by Christian Lawyer crosses into a personal attack and is also incorrect. The review is by a Christian counselor, not the book itself.
Posted By: Lori | December 7, 2010 12:12 PM
It's a hard topic, but I appreciate both the author's compassion and her focus on living for God's glory. Thanks for the well-written review!
Posted By: Lisa | December 7, 2010 4:20 PM
I appreciate the feedback from readers on this book review. It seemed that the original title to the blog was distracting away from the more prominent message of the author's book, that Christ is able to abundantly provide for the unique sufferings of widowhood. There is hope for every widow to find strength in the promises of God, even during dark times. I encourage you to read the book to see how the author addresses these issues from a biblical perspective.
Posted By: Lynn Roush | December 9, 2010 11:20 AM
You certainly have the right to keep deleting my comments, but the types of ideas pushed in this article, and in the book, by women who are both "counselors," can be just devastating.
How dare anyone suggest to someone like my good friend, who lost her husband in her mid-40's after years of the living hell that is ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), that "God designed her widowhood."
God can certainly help us to learn something in the midst of a tragedy, and bad things happen to good people because we live in a fallen world, but the God of the Bible I've read does NOT "design" widowhood, or send hurricanes or earthquakes.
Posted By: Christian Lawyer | December 9, 2010 9:23 PM
The God of the Bible does indeed cause things like earthquakes, and much more. Look up in a concordance how often the word "wrath" is mentioned in the Bible. God caused women to have pain in childbirth because of Eve's sin, and He sent disease and death because of their sin.
Have you read about Sodom and Gomorrah? God has sent many plagues in the Bible. God does not have just one attribute "love" like many people choose to believe. They are making a god to their own liking. But the God of the Bible is also Holy and a God of justice, and we know that there will be a huge loss of life and a lot of suffering when God sends His wrath before He rules on earth for 1000 years. And at judgement, God will send satan and the demons and the unbelievers to the lake of fire.
Christ is offensive to the sinful nature of every human being. There is a right and wrong, and God determines it, not man.
Posted By: Barbara | December 9, 2010 10:06 PM
This is a must read.
“Many people have suffered at the hands of others without fault of their own. Take for instance the pain a child feels when they are abused by an alcoholic parent or family member or the person who has suffered great loss because of the actions of someone who was inebriated behind the wheel of a car. Others suffer from their own choices in life and the list of those circumstances can fill my computer hard drive.”
Go to Drug Addiction Treatment: Our Sober Approach to God OR http://goo.gl/CPV6n to read more.”
Posted By: drogers | March 23, 2012 11:35 AM
“Good treatment is not fueled by the mind. It is fueled by the heart. Good treatment is not necessarily complex and intellectual. The process can be incredibly simple (though elegant). Good treatment is, however, extraordinarily difficult to provide every day. That is because good treatment requires that those who provide it consistently bring great energy, great commitment, great attention and great love to their work every day. And the nature of teams is that frequently when one team member falters so does the entire team. It is also the nature of love that it doesn’t matter much if those providing treatment have a general love of the alcoholic and addict.”
Go to ">http://www.valleyhope.org/alcoholism-treatment/alcoholism-treatment-kiss.aspx”> Alcoholism Treatment: Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) OR http://goo.gl/PQs8T to read more.”
Posted By: drogers | April 19, 2012 9:22 AM
This is inspiring
“As a Chaplain in a treatment facility I have had the opportunity to hear many stories from people. I hear many hardships in session as I meet the patients in drug treatment. In many of the stories, often, there is a common refrain. Not only do the stories tend to sound similar but the response of the patients and what they do with it sound the same as well.”
Go to Drug Addiction Treatment: “Our Sober Approach to God” OR http://goo.gl/a26S8 to read more.”
Posted By: drogers | May 8, 2012 1:18 PM