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The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

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January 21, 2011

Why I Don't Keep a Mommy Blog

In a world that’s as impersonal and voyeuristic as ours, I want the things I do at home to be just for the people I see and touch daily.

Rachel Marie Stone, guest blogger

Both my husband’s grandma and mine were short women named Charlotte who played piano and sang. They lived and died on opposite coasts, mine in New York, his in California. His was plump, old-fashioned, devout, taught toddler Sunday school, and ran a cattle ranch. Mine was skinny, stylish, progressive, atheist, a New York City editorial assistant, and a terrible housekeeper. I share my Charlotte’s love for cocktails, crosswords, writing, and Woody Guthrie, and many of her political views and pet peeves. I share the other Charlotte’s faith, love of children, and a sliver of her domestic ability. I love hearing how she slaughtered chickens, raised vegetables, preserved fruits, milked cows, hand-cranked ice cream, and sewed her clothes. California Charlotte’s journals record dry facts about ranch life. New York Charlotte’s files are full of typewritten poems clipped to rejection slips from The Atlantic Monthly and The New Yorker. For my Charlotte, baking anything would call her feminist credentials into question; for his Charlotte, aspiring to write for any eyes but her own would have been treason against her housewifely calling.

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That public-private divide is no longer as sharp as it was in the Charlottes’ lifetime. On Salon this week, in “Why I Can't Stop Reading Mormon Housewife Blogs," Emily Matchar admires the presentation of domesticity on popular “Mormon mommy blogs,” such as Nat the Fat Rat, C. Jane Enjoy It, and Rockstar Diaries, for “help[ing] women like me envision a life in which marriage and motherhood could potentially be something other than a miserable, soul-destroying trap.” The bloggers celebrate their homes, their husbands, and their babies. They are domestic goddesses inclined to DIY-projects and pie-baking and never without red lipstick and adorable vintage accessories — or the digital camera to capture it all in cool, hipster-influenced style. Their readers — many of them, like Matchar, “late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminists” — find comfort in their vision of old-fashioned yet hip domestic happiness. As for the bloggers themselves, they have managed to bridge the gap separating the lives of those two Charlottes: many of their blogs are full of sponsors; many offer the chance to purchase a bit of their DIY-cool through their Etsy or Big Cartel shops, having created their own bankable brands of domesticity.

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Even if some mommy blogs have gone commercial, their attraction is easy to understand. For years I’ve been hooked on Soulemama (and its creator’s books), drawing inspiration from Amanda Blake Soule’s winsome words and appealing images. But even though I, too, am a stay at home mommy who’s been called a “domestic goddess,” keeping a blog is not for me. Oh, my kids sport sweaters and socks hand-knitted from vintage patterns; in the summer, I wear sundresses that I’ve sewed myself; my kids don’t have matching ones only because they are boys. I make my own bread and yogurt. I’ve preserved fruit and made jam. I bake cinnamon rolls from scratch, and I’m known to have made more than a few stuffed animals. While I’ll usually photograph the hand-knit baby sweater or teddy bear before giving it away, and while I love few things more than writing, the thought of blogging my every domestic move fills me with dread. And not just because I can’t help comparing my own doings with those of, say, Nat the Fat Rat or Angry Chicken and feeling envious and inadequate. I don’t blog about my domestic life because doing so would run counter to the reasons I live as I do.

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Why do I do so much knitting and sewing and baking? Partly influenced by the mommy blogs I’ve mentioned, I gravitated toward the “New Domesticity” that Matchar references. Surrounded by endless cheap consumer goods made in factories a world away, many of us have come to find real satisfaction in creating, making, doing for ourselves. But before I ever heard the word domesticity (new or old) I loved to make stuff — cross-stitch, doll clothes, cookies. This urge to do something with our hands besides press buttons — to dig in the dirt, chop vegetables, spin yarn, and cut fabric — comes from the original Creator, the Artist and Designer of All. We are made to love beauty and order, and to find playful delight in the work that we are called to.

For most of human history, that has involved what we might call the "domestic arts." Certainly you don’t need to be Martha Stewart to be a loving homemaker. Yet I think most people, given the chance, find pleasure and joy in exercising their creativity in the simple work of clothing and feeding themselves and those they love. I do. I’m grateful to have the time and energy to feed my family and clothe my children in a way that’s a bit less pre-packaged and a bit more homemade. For me, domestic creativity celebrates the urge to “make and do” that God gave me while loving my family — and others — through my hands.

While I love writing about lots of other things on this earth and beyond, and while I enjoy peeping at the crafty doings of other moms, I don’t blog about my domestic pursuits because in a world that’s at once as impersonal and voyeuristic as ours, I want the things I do at home to be just for the people I see and touch daily. I don’t want my home life to have a comments button, or ads in the sidebars.

I think the Charlottes would understand. I know He who sees what’s done in secret does.

Rachel Stone has written for Her.meneutics on fathers, eating disorders, miscarriage, and flash mobs, and for Christianity Today on Germany, and has also contributed to Flourish, catapult/*cino, and Creation Care magazine. She lives in Greenport, New York, with her husband, two sons, extended family, and assorted cats.

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Posted by Katelyn Beaty on January 21, 2011 9:19 AM

Comments

This is lovely...a reasoned and rooted argument for why you choose to keep your domestic life private that nevertheless gives some props to bloggers who have opened their home lives to the world. I've chosen to write publicly about my domestic life, more about things like discipline, the intersection of work and home life, cultural stereotypes, media influences on my kids, parenting fads, how disability affects family life, etc., than on domestic goddessness. While I do cook from scratch, bake bread, and garden, I'm limited enough in that area to know there are better spokeswomen for domestic goddessness out there than me! But there is an ever-present internal and external debate about whether blogging about one's family life qualifies as "TMI"/oversharing or edification (for me, because I always learn more about myself when I write, and others, who often thank me for raising a new question or a new way of thinking about an old question). I think writing about home life can be either and both.

Posted By: Ellen | January 21, 2011 1:15 PM

Why I don't read mommy blogs:
They are fake. No one's life is that perfect. I do read a couple of blogs written by women who are real and do not sugar-coat their lives. But the other ones cause me to feel inferior and substandard because I do not bake from scratch, sew my children's clothes, or wear red lipstick and heels while doing it. I don't need that in my life.

Why I write a (non-mommy) blog: First of all, my blog is private and only invited readers can see it. I want a place where I can be open about what is going on in my life to a small circle of trusted friends and family. It helps me to be able to communicate my struggles and get supportive responses and advice from people I do not talk to every day. I communicate better through writing than by talking, so it is a good venue for me to maintain relationships.

Posted By: Robyn | January 21, 2011 2:57 PM

Aren't we blessed that we can all choose to blog or not to blog, to bake or not to bake, etc. etc. etc.! One woman's meat is another woman's poison! The variety is what makes life so interesting!

Posted By: Suzy | January 22, 2011 8:20 AM

Since the birth of our youngest son 10 months ago, my/his blog has been a source of great comfort and strength. Our son was born very prematurely, very small, and he has Down syndrome and a heart defect. While he was in the NICU and later had his open-heart surgery, the blog was a great way to keep large numbers of people informed about his condition, and they could leave messages of encouragement and support. Over time, the site has evolved from a straight report of his medical conditions, into a way for me to write about, and to try to make sense of, everything that has happened to us over the past year.

I used to consider myself a very private person. But we live in a small community, and everyone (everyone!) knows about our situation. I would normally cringe at the thought of folks I may not even know, discussing our child. But I have gotten used to it, and it really doesn't bother me any more. Knowing so many folks are pulling for us outweighs any discomfort.

I do sometimes mention my homemade bread or quilting project, because they are things I take pride in, that not everyone knows how to do. That's all, and people are free to think whatever they choose to, or think nothing, or ask for a recipe - I'm just happy that I've accomplished whatever it is. And, I appreciate the candor of other mom-bloggers whose children have Down syndrome or other complex medical issues; hearing their stories has been helpful. This year has held a lot of fear as well as a lot of joy, and has delivered a whopping dose of perspective. Being "forced" to record it as a logical, carefully-considered narrative has lent a unique way of thinking about our son's experiences and what the future might hold.

Most folks can only tolerate so much minutiae about medical appointments and therapy. At some point, readership of the blog will dwindle to only closest family and friends, and eventually I'll abandon it. But not yet.

Posted By: Joanna Hudson | January 22, 2011 2:18 PM

This is a lovely post. I have blogged for a long time, and this summer I will be expecting my first baby. I am already thinking about how I will let this new life be represented on my blog for some of the same reasons Rachel mentions.

I love reading other women's blogs, but sometimes it I don't know if it's good for my soul to have such an intimate peak into lives I do not know. Certainly something to think about...

Posted By: Lesley Miller | January 22, 2011 7:50 PM

"I want the things I do at home to be just for the people I see and touch daily. I don’t want my home life to have a comments button, or ads in the sidebars."

I like the things I do at home to be for anyone in the world to see. i have nothing to hide. I don't mind my life having a comment button & I certainly don't mind having ads in my sidebars that provide for my family.

To each his own, eh? =)

Posted By: grace | January 22, 2011 7:59 PM

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