Her.meneutics: The Untold Story of Donor-Conceived Children

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« Surprised by Beauty at the March for Life | Main | Carla Barnhill, America's Next Advice Columnist? »

January 28, 2011

The Untold Story of Donor-Conceived Children

The next reproductive-technology issue coming to a church near you.

Christine A. Scheller

The featured article on the new website AnonymousUs.org is about a bad breakup. A middle-aged woman discovers that her boyfriend is accused of incest. What does she do? She has herself artificially inseminated by an anonymous sperm donor, but then regrets the decision and has an abortion, which she equally regrets. As her biological clock continues ticking, she ponders another artificial insemination. Welcome to the wonders of “reproductive choice.”

The AnonymousUs Project is the brainchild of Alana Stewart, a 24-year-old musician whose mother conceived her using a sperm donor. Stewart is now trying to find her biological father, and she's set out to give those involved in assisted reproductive technologies the opportunity to tell their stories uncensored. An estimated 30,000-60,000 children are born every year in the U.S. through the use of sperm donation. While the fertility industry makes $3.3 billion annually, little is known about the experiences of these children. Stewart's website says, “Though anonymity in reproduction hides the truth, anonymity in story-telling will help reveal it.”

According to Elizabeth Marquardt, director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values and editor of FamilyScholars.org, half of young adults who are conceived by sperm donation are "disturbed about the circumstances of their conception." "Overall, compared to those who are raised by their biological parents, they are more likely to struggle with mental illness or substance abuse or depression," Marquardt told NPR last summer.

Yet not every story on AnonymousUs is as dysfunctional as the one above. Other narratives thoughtfully explore the complex realities that reproductive technologies make possible. For example, one storyteller writes,

As an adoptee, it makes me sad to read about the grief many adoptees and sperm donor children are feeling. The saddest part about it is that I think a lot of it is self induced. I know that growing up, there were times that I felt like my parents didn't understand me and that my ‘real’ parents would have. But, the truth is, every kid feels misunderstood growing up. The difference is, adoptees/donees have a fantasy world that they can retreat to where everything would be easier if they were with their ‘real’ parents.”

One mother admits on AnonymousUs, “I mostly used the term ‘donor sperm’ for convenience, but I think a more accurate way to describe this is to call it ‘conceiving a child with a man who donates sperm.’ Saying ‘donor sperm’ depersonalizes it and makes it easier to digest because it is about conceiving a child with an ‘it’ and not a person. The reality is that people conceive children, not objects. No regrets."

Stewart is uniquely qualified to speak on this subject. Her older sister was adopted, she was conceived from her mother’s egg and an anonymous donor’s sperm, and her younger brother is the biological child of her mother and stepfather. She felt loved and supported by her mother growing up, but says, “It taught me a lot about how important biology is in really being cared for properly.” She explains, “My father sold me away for $75. How is that supposed to make me feel about myself? The toxic shame that we are giving our kids on purpose is hurting us so much.”

The response to the site has been huge, says Stewart, because it allows people to express themselves without hurting their parents. She says, “Our parents are a little insecure about some of the decisions they made. It just opens up a whole can of worms when you speak out.” Sadly, being an outspoken activist has seriously damaged Stewart’s relationship with her mother, but she adds, “I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it was really important.”

Stewart felt so strongly about encouraging “Open ID” egg donation, wherein the resulting children know their biological mothers, that she became a donor herself. Two children have been conceived from her eggs. When I asked how she feels about them, Stewart admitted, “I’m really nervous about it. . . . I’ve been to workshops. Mothers who use surrogates and egg donors seem to be more insecure about their motherhood. They seem to need their children to affirm them as the rightful mother. And, I’m worried because typically they’re older; I’m worried that my biological children are going to be taking care of their mothers in geriatric care when they’re young.” She believes her children were conceived for single women without partners.“I’m sad for my kids,” she told me, “but the only thing that may redeem that is being Open ID; if they need to come find me, I’ll be there for them.”

Marquardt, co-investigator for the 2010 report “My Daddy’s Name Is Donor," recently wrote that the complicated stories on AnonymousUs “echo and affirm” her research: “They tell us that bodies matter. That to be deliberately denied knowledge of where you come from is painful and bewildering, at any age. That the human longing to know where you fit in the human family extends also to donor conceived persons. That the fertility industry is rife with contradictions, praising donations and altruism when in fact cold cash fuels each transaction.”

If you think this reproductive technology issue is not a concern for Christians, you are wrong. Marquardt told me, “Of 485 donor conceived persons we recruited through a web-based panel of one million plus U.S. households, 32 percent say they are Catholic and 32 percent say they are Protestant. Persons conceived this way are in the pews.” She posed some provocative questions for blog readers' consideration:

What are churches saying about the donor-conceived experience?

How are we ministering to donor-conceived children?

How might the churches' discussion of reproductive technologies need to be challenged by the experience of these persons conceived this way who so often tell us that knowing the identity of, and having a relationship with, their biological fathers matters to them?

So, what do you think?

Comments

Children have always needed both a mother and a father - not a mother and a 'donor'. The author came really close to the truth when she asked if her 'donor father' sold her out for cash. In all truth, this is baby selling. I thought we had laws against that. Actually, there should be a law against the selling of sperm and eggs. Life is more sacred than that. A man who 'donates' sperm is still a father.

Two people, married and of opposite genders, should be the ones uniting in 'one flesh' to procreate and parent the children they are given by God. If they are not able to conceive, the unfortunate fact is that there are many many children who are waiting to be adopted.

Enough of the sperm sales. The practice should be outlawed.

In this imperfect world there are many children who are unhappy about some aspect of their family life.Some who were conceived the old-fashion way, with fathers and mothers who were married to each other, nevertheless grow up in homes where their fathers are absent because of death, desertion or divorce. Adopted children also don't know about the men who sired them. Like the children of sperm donors, many children in the above families also yearn to know their absent fathers.
We, Christians can help the children by teaching them that God,our Ultimate Father is always with them. And that He will make even their painful situations work out for their good.(Romans 8:28)
The proposals to outlaw sperm donations based upon the unhappiness of some of the children about not knowing their fathers does not seem reasonable.What messages would we be sending to the children, if we declared their conception illegal? Surely that would compound their sorrow!

While it is true that many have found peace through the realization that God is the only perfect, always present Father, it is a grave error to overlook the deeper, even more damaging messages behind secrecy and anonymity in donor insemination and adoption.

Hebrew history is inextricably linked to knowledge of one's ancestry and "tribe." Biblical teachings never promote or condone deception and lies, especially in matters as critical to identity formation as knowledge of one's personal story and ancestry.

How can there be any question that part of the church's command to care for orphans and widows in their distress includes taking a strong stand for truth and transparency in adoption and, if it must happen, artificial insemination and surrogacy. Part of that stand must include a recognition that both adoption and assisted reproduction are both now big businesses. Stand for the weak and underserved -- not the systems that promote severance from our roots!

We continue to be a self-absorbed, selfish society. How many poor children could be helped in this country and across the globe with the money spent in America on artificial reproductive technologies?

The am concerned about judgmental sweeping comments- with people thinking they can should decide who has the right to have children or not. Whether they be single, lesbian, gay or infertile what matters more to a child's growth and development are the people raising him. His biologial origins matter- and he should know about his biological father or mother- but his parenting experience matters more. If this was not the case we would feel very sorry for children of adoption- somehow thinking they are less likely to grow up with a strong sense of self and inner confidence. Which simply isnt true. Biologial parents can screw up their children too.
The creator of the Anonymous Us project is very vocal about her thoughts- she believes only married straight couples should have children- and wants sperm and egg donation abolished altogether. That doesnt always come across in these articles and I hope it is kept away from her site. Focus on positive parenting- our children deserve it. A parent should be a title given to those who have earned it- not just because of biology.

You misspoke about my personal politics regarding family.
I align myself with Swedish family policy in basically every way which includes: Ban on anonymity, all information CENTRALLY preserved for 70 years about a child's true genetic heritage, the mother receiving DI must be married (to a man or woman) and must provide written letter of consent from her spouse. Payment is prohibited, and just as in adoption, the receiving family is screened as to make sure the child will grow up under good and suitable conditions, to sane people fit to parent.

And I couldn't agree more with them.

I also support Sweden's policy on 24 months government support for parents to stay at home with a newborn.

Their policies are securing Sweden's future by implementing policies that safeguard the emotional, physical, and material well-being of their citizenry.

I am not sure about other adoptees or donor children, but I know for myself that finding my biological parents isn't about finding someone who "understands" me. My family understands me just fine. However, there are 3 now-adult adoptees in my immediate family from a variety of adoption experiences and 4 in among the in-laws/uncles/aunts. All of the members who have found their biological family have all pretty much said, "Nurture is great, but nature is what makes us who we are."

I just want some explanation to some health problems, plus mere curiosity about looks and personality traits. I think I deserve that... in fact, I think everyone deserves that.

I grew up with a single mom and I understand completely the need to know "where you came from". At least I did get to meet my father, even if we don't have a real relationship now. Knowing him and where he came from has helped me to understand who I am and, more importantly, who I can be immensely. I have a son and another baby on the way so I've never had to deal with the sadness or frustration of not being able to conceive-therefore I can't judge women who choose a donor to get pregnant. But again, I do understand the pain of feeling unloved or not good enough because of an absent parent. I agree with the comments above that feeling that way does not give me an excuse to act badly, but feeling that way does, in some ways, shape who a person is.

I am both a biological and an adoptive mother. I do wonder how my daughters may struggle with questions about their birth parents in the future. I also know that without adoption, their future would've been one of illiteracy, loneliness, and a certainty of ending up on the streets or by being prostituted -- that's the tragic reality of an orphan's life in many countries.

I realize that that knowledge can't replace the desire to see whose eyes they have, or who they get their musical talent from . . . but I pray that they see that our motive was love. As another mom told me, every teenager feels misunderstood and has struggles and difficulties -- the temptation with adopted children is to blame it all on being adopted, when that's not always the case.

I pray we will have the grace to walk through their questions alongside them, and won't be defensive or dismissive about it.

I have a question about embryo adoption vs egg donation: regarding the child's emotional/psychological welfare wouldn't many of the issues be the same? Part of the reason I ask is because many conservative Christians decry egg and sperm donation but are accepting of embryo donation.
I do understand the difference between rescuing an embryo from deep freeze and creating an embryo who will never know one of his or her parents. I get that there are different moral implications. But strictly from the child's standpoint, it would seem embryo adoption (despite it's altruistic motivation) would have it's own pitfalls. The child born of embryo donation would know that he or she had parents who loved each other, who had other children...and still gave them away.
Wouldn't that be just as hard as being biologically related to at least one of the parents who are raising you?
And yet most people would not argue that embryo donation should take place...I think any situation where the child is not born of the parents who are raising them is going to be difficult.

As I read this artticle a number of questions and answers came to my mind.

Would I have wanted to be adopted if it was in my best interest? Yes! Would I haved loved my adopted parents for helping me, but still wanted to know my biological parents? Yes!

Would I feel good knowing I was the off-spring of a mother/father and sperm/egg? No! Would I be comfortable knowing that the egg and sperm from which I was born was carried by a surrogate? No!

Would I feel good knowing that I was the product of "tissue" that came from my mother/father alone? No!

There are some other questions however, which I find considerably more difficcult to answer. These include why are we taking the miracle of life and prostituting it on the altar of modern science, convenience, and fanciful notions of what life ought to be? Who gave modern man the right to decide what the life of the unborn should be, what constitutes the good life, what fatherhood or motherhood really means, or what makes someone else' life life worth living?

My feeling is that we have taken something that was fairly simple and complicated it to the point of absurdity just so that we can say we are the masters of our own destiny.

Today's man really do not want any other God beside himself.

Has anyone considered the following scenerio? An older married couple (mid-forties) wishes to have a child. The wife has been infertile due to endometriosis, and now her eggs are considered too "old" to safely "use". They are unable to "adopt" a pre-existing embryo. An anonymous surrogate egg donor is used and an embryo is created through IVF using the biological father's sperm. This child is then implanted into the older mother's womb. She goes through the process of pregnancy and birth to a child that is not biologically hers. Does this make her any less this child's mother? I think not...

I myself was a egg donor twice. I never felt like I was selling my children, instead I felt I was helping a couple realize the joys of childbirth and parenthood. I know that 1 pregnancy occurred. As to Christian Churches not condoning egg donation, my Pastors never came down on me and my church supported me! It is about helping women and men who can't conceive naturally. I am very fertile and I was not using my eggs to have more children, so why not help another woman experience the joys of pregnancy and childbirth.

Thanks everyone for some great comments. You're starting a conversation that needs to happen and I'm happy to see a diversity of opinions!

Taking sperm from one man and putting it inside a woman who is not married to that man is sexual immorality, isn't it? All this reproduction industry is about SELFISHNESS. You desperately want your children to come out of you. There are so many orphans whom people can adopt if they cannot have children in a natural way. By the way, check and see who are most of those willing to adopt children: Christians or non-Christians. I am sure most of them are non-Christians but it is difficult to prove it.

Good topic and discussion. Sperm and egg donations are now part of our reproductive culture and are not going to go away. I think that Christians who have an interest in this area should focus on having a positive influence that protects donors, prospective parents, and children, rather than railing against their possible choices or ones that have already been made. I think that advocating for the Swedish laws mentioned by Alana Stewart would be a great first step in this direction. Having used reproductive technology myself (although our children are biologically ours), I've been asked by a few women about what I thought about them using donor eggs and sperm to get pregnant. I always say I think it can work as a way to build a family, as long as they are willing to see it as a form of adoption and are committed to being honest with their children about how they came to be. I think everyone has found that helpful, even though I've seen different decisions come out of these conversations.

The hypocrisy!

Alana Stewart said
“My father sold me away for $75. How is that supposed to make me feel about myself? The toxic shame that we are giving our kids on purpose is hurting us so much.”

And yet she sold- or gave away- her own eggs. But thats ok- because the children created- that she 'manufactured' (her words)- can contact her (at 18) if they need her support?

What is frightening is that Alana Stewarts Anonymous Us project is being funded and promoted by groups who are vehemently opposed to children being created and raised by anyone other than married straight fertile couples.
She says there are positive stories on the site- but the very nature of the articles used to promote the site do not encourage them. And Alana Stewart herself is so angry and blinkered- with very poor communication skills when her 'audience' are not in agreement with her- that she should not be the one they are using to front their movement, through this project.
This article- written by Alana Stewart- http://familyscholars.org/2010/06/08/a-sunday-in-the-shark-tank/ indicates- in her own words- how she attempts to address people at a workshop, who were there thinking about using assisted reproductive techologies (eg sperm or egg donation) to grow their families.
She has no capacity for even considering other's viewpoints-and this does not encourage people with differing views and experiences to post on her site. Do not expect to see a fair and unbaised account of the experiences of those born to anonymous sperm donation shown on the Anonymous Us project.
Those of us who have positive experiences will do NOTHING to support her- knowing of her opinions.

I am donor covieved. I have read the comments above I see that many people commenting are not what the sperm banks call "offspring". The simple fact is that no matter how much you try or want to understand what it is like to grew up as a donor concieved knowing that your biological father sold what would become a part of you for money (technically not a 'donation')and that you have "no right" to knowing more about him you shouldn't be telling anyone whats right for us. Only we know that. People say that we should be thankful we are alive and sometime I am but if i had the choice before I was born to not be born or live as a donor concieved I would chose not being born. But I didnt have a choice so I hope that people will see that taking away OUR history is totally wrong and work for a future where we can have our family history. The sperm banks need to stop focusing on money, how about they think of us as humans and not their little science project. Also sperm banks say they are selecting healthy donors but what they didnt think of is the phycological damage to the donor concived. Things like depression and geneological bewilderment. For anyone considering using a sperm donor do your kid a favor and chose an open donor, give them their rights. Please

My father is sterile. He and my mother used donor sperm to conceive me and my sister. I am sterile. I didn't find out I was a donor child until I spoke to them to let them know. Then I found out the truth. I grew up fine, in a loving home with 2 parents. I am very curious who my biological father is, but my Dad is the father who raised me as his son. My parents wouldn't have had children if not for donor sperm. Is it confusing finding out-- yes. But I had a better life than most of the people I know. It doesn't matter if we are donor or not. What matters is love. And now, my children will be the same way as me, donor sperm but loved by us, and I'll be Dad to them

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