Her.meneutics: What Are Wedding Vows For, Anyway?

back to Christianity Today

RSS Feed | Help

email to a friend

twitter updates

Follow Her.meneutics on Twitter

What Is Her.meneutics?

The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

interests

books and media

church life

justice and politics

relationships and family

sexuality and health

spirituality

theology

women of note

writers

More ...

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

« Carla Barnhill, America's Next Advice Columnist? | Main | When Gender-Based Parenting Goes Too Far »

January 31, 2011

What Are Wedding Vows For, Anyway?

Not much, if Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla's wedding announcement in The New York Times "Vows" section means anything.

Gina Dalfonzo, guest blogger

The “Vows” section of The New York Times typically features romantic, heartfelt, and sweet wedding stories. At first glance, the story of Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla appears to fit the bill: beautiful bride, handsome groom, lots of hugging. The adorable little children gathered around made the scene look “part Brady Bunch,” wrote Times reporter Devan Sipher.

And then he added, “. . . and part The Scarlet Letter.” Love had come, wrote Sipher, “at the wrong time” for Partilla and Riddell, who were already married to other people when they met, with five kids between the two couples. Partilla and Riddell met, actually, at St. Hilda's and St. Hugh's Episcopal Day School in Manhattan, where their children attended:

. . . [I]t was hard to ignore their easy rapport. They got each other’s jokes and finished each other’s sentences. They shared a similar rhythm in the way they talked and moved. The very things one hopes to find in another person, but not when you’re married to someone else. Ms. Riddell said she remembered crying in the shower, asking: “Why am I being punished? Why did someone throw him in my path when I can’t have him?”

Whether “someone” threw Partilla in her path or not, Riddell finally decided that she could have him after all, as the two left their families for each other. Partilla’s take on the situation: “I did a terrible thing as honorably as I could.”

So far, the story is sad but not earth-shattering; such betrayals happen all the time. What has readers riled up is its appearance in Vows, a longstanding feature meant to celebrate marriage.

Considering the “terrible” things that Partilla and Riddell had to do to get to their wedding day, this particular piece reads more like a denigration of marriage. True, there are the obligatory references to “distraught children and devastated spouses,” but hey, it worked out in the end. They were “brave” for being so honest, or so they tell us. They’re going to have “a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it,” said Riddell. Love conquers all, right?

Most Vows readers didn’t see it that way. As one commenter quipped, “Tell me again what the reason is for vows?” Several others speculated cynically on what would happen when the initial glow wore off and the couple’s second marriage settled into the same sort of domestic routine as their first marriages.

That’s the part that really caught my attention. As the author of a Christianity Today op-ed titled “God Loves a Good Romance,” I’m on record as being all in favor of warm and mushy feelings in romantic relationships. But stories like this — even if some journalists actually think they are worth celebrating — remind us that feelings are only part of the equation. If they’re going to survive and help build the relationship instead of tearing it down, we have to master them, not let them master us.

The commitment that married couples make to God and to each other means that they need to keep a guard on their hearts. Romantic feelings for someone outside their marriage should have made these two people back away from each other, not seek each other out.

In fact, Partilla recalls that when he expressed his feelings to Riddell, she jumped up and ran out of the restaurant where they were meeting. Five minutes later, she came back. If only she’d gone with her first instinct, two families might have been saved.

If the promises they had made to their original spouses meant anything to them, Partilla’s and Riddell’s feelings for each other would have been a danger signal leading them to work harder on their marriages. Instead, they chose the path that was easiest for them — which meant the path of heartbreak for the families who loved them.

I’m a fan of romance, but many of my favorite romantic stories, both in real life and in fiction, are about married couples, the ones who are still close and still romantic after many years because they chose to stick together and work on being close. It may take a lot of effort to get there — and it may look uninspiring to The New York Times — but the payoff is both unmistakable and beautiful.

As for Partilla and Riddell, now they get to try to build a marriage after demonstrating that neither one of them can be trusted. Good luck with that.

Gina Dalfonzo is editor of BreakPoint.org and Dickensblog. She wrote "The Good Christian Girl: A Fable" and "God Loves a Good Romance" for CT online, and "Why Sex Ruins TV Romances" and "Don't Think Pink" for Her.meneutics.

Comments

While I agree with most of the conclusions here, I'm not sure that "backing away" from someone for whom you have feelings -- at least in the way I imagine is conventionally conceived of -- is always the healthiest thing.

In that moment of attraction, your head is telling you to respect the other person's marriage (and your own, if that comes into the picture, which it does in this case, though not always) and your heart is drawing you to that person. Doing the right thing, therefore, would seem to require doing violence to your heart in obedience to your head. While I certainly think that avoiding the break-up of marriage is the right thing, doing it by mere suppression of attraction seems like it would be more likely to feed an even wilder, more powerful sense of the attraction, or that it would do great emotional damage that could result in deepened resentments toward your own spouse (if you have one) or God or both.

But I think there's another way, and it's the only way that I survived attraction to a married man I thought was my soul mate (as I've written about elsewhere). When I was facing that struggle, almost everyone around me told me to run. But I didn't have it in me to do that kind of violence to and manipulation of my emotions. Yet, I did not want to enter an affair! As I wrestled with these seemingly incompatible ends, pleading with God for help, I began to realize that the problem was not my attraction or care for the man in question, but that my care was too weak. I liked him in a selfish way -- a way that would be satisfied only if pain (the breakdown of his marriage) came into his life. Rather than fighting my attraction, I needed to pray for God to refine it into a more selfless love -- one which would seek the health of his marriage. This, in the end, might cause me to back away from him and put distance in our relationship (which it ultimately did), but it was a radically different motive for doing so than trying to control and destroy the feelings I had.

I just love that people are riled up. Maybe our society still believe in commitment...

I dunno, Anna - the word says to FLEE temptation. I'm glad things worked out for you in that incident, but I have to agree with Gina's conclusion - in that situation, get up and RUN. Immediately.

I agree with LC, yes, FLEE from temptation.
You may be interested to read today's post from Lysa TerKeurst about this very topic...ironic, I think not. http://lysaterkeurst.com/2011/01/affair-proof-your-mind/
As for me, our wedding vows, which we wrote very personally for each other hand on our living room wall to remind us of the commitment we made to each other.

@ Katelyn- Maybe trying to control such emotions does "violence to the heart" precisely because of the trying. You sought God's intervention because you knew you couldn't achieve selfless love on your own. Any time we battle our own impulses, we expend fruitless energy; when we surrender them to God, we find them transformed. I suspect that Gina's suggestion- fleeing- can be equally successful (and mindful of the heart's fragility!) when we've entrusted our flight to God in the same way. In the end, the key to uprooting a love born of selfishness and supplanting it with an agape version, is leaving the work to God.

My youngest sister left her husband for her "soulmate," who was also married at the time. Several years later, they are still extremely happy together: my sister is flourishing and successful in ways I could never have predicted during her first marriage. Her kids adjusted to the situation, and so did her ex: he and the second husband were wallpapering my niece's new house together a couple of weeks ago.

So of course I'm happy for my sister, and I like her husband. But I'm still torn about it. I've always done everything I can to stay away from the temptation of men who could make me break my marriage vows, and it's been some pretty strong temptation sometimes. I think that this is more pleasing to God, and of course it has modeled the importance of commitment to my own daughters.

But I can't find it in myself to condemn my sister, and wonder what would have happened if I'd been a little weaker myself. I've got plenty enough sins not to want to cast stones! To wish that all this hadn't happened would be to wish that my little sister had stayed in a marriage that made her miserable. And yet I know that her eternal destiny is more important than her happiness in this life... isn't it?

Theology gets so much more difficult when you love the sinner.

Don Francisco wrote a song with the chorus, "Love is not a FEELING it's an act of the will." Anyone who has been married a long time knows that "romance" ebbs and flows, but Love, is a constant.

The sheer selfishness of destroying two families because of "attraction" takes my breath away! Unfortunately, we all are capable of it (even King David) and only daily communion with God, and yes, FLEEING from temptation, keeps us from succombing.

Thankfully, God honors his covenants with us so much more perfectly than we honor ours!

THIS is why I say that warm, mushy feelings are NOT ENOUGH to build a marriage on. Sure, it's important and great to feel "in love" with the person you are going to marry. I wouldn't advise marrying someone for whom you did not have those feelings. But if people go into marriage thinking that those feelings will always be present, and that the presence of those feelings is the barometer by which to measure the success of the relationship, they stand to be sorely disappointed. If there is no foundation of commitment in the face of trials (and there will be trials), it's not likely that the marriage will last "until death do us part."

I don't think I would have been able to support the marriage described in this post, had I been close to it.

Anon, maybe your sister's marriage wouldn't have made her miserable if she had taken her attraction to her so-called "soulmate" (which I do not believe exists) and channeled that energy into making her own marriage a vibrant one.

I believe if you found love, you can do anything, therefore, if it's love, whatever happens, you will stick into your relationship. However, there are times that you should also consider yourself and some other stuff. God wants us happy.

Anon, I am in the middle of a much similar situation with my sister. I honor your feelings about wishing to not cast stones or judgment due to your own sins (as I feel about mine also). And it is not our place to cast judgment on one another but to simply speak and live by the Truth in the most caring and loving way we know how. I have made my feelings known to my sister about the situation and she honors my beliefs. However, I also try to mimic the love that is expressed in the Bible to unbelievers. God has placed us as sisters for a reason, not by chance. We both learn and grow from each other, sometimes in very different ways.

God cares more about our holiness than our overall happiness.

Researcher and author, Dr. Eric Kaufmann, a secular liberal scholar of politics at the University of London, has written the following, soon-to-be-released book:

"Shall the Religious Inherit the Earth?"

What does the research conclude?:

"Yes, they will."

Who, did the research find, shall "inherit the Earth"?:

(1.) Old Order Amish
(2.) Quiverfull Evangelical Movement
(3.) Traditional Latin Mass Catholics
(4.) American Mormons
(5.) Hasidic Jews
(6.) Muslims

If we're open to children and bequeath our faith to them through staying married, won't we, prayerfully, in the end, inherit the earth?

If we deviate from this, through breaking our vows, what are we likely to inherit?

Hmm... Good thoughts. Lots to think through.

In general, I am a huge believer (and practitioner) of marriage and family values.

I do not, however, choose to judge those who don't live up to this. I am, instead, saddened by the reality that the church is not doing their job to guide people through life.
Do most married couples have real friends or spiritual leaders who walk in sincere relationship with them through tough situations?

I myself am shaped by divorce. I have learned that God is not sad about divorce because he hates the sin and is mad at people for breaking their vows, but because it hurts his children. He loves them and is sad when people have to endure the pain of divorce.

Perhaps if we took the perspective of compassion and love rather than judgment and right and wrong we would see more reconciliation and restoration in our friends and loved ones lives.

I hadn't seen this story before today. How very tragic! I'm reminded of "resist the devil and he will flee from you," and the idea that resist (as in resisting arrest) is a very aggressive, action. Too often this situation brings passive resistance that leads to resignation and eventually, torn families and lives.

Thankfully, God has a way of turning ashes into beauty. My prayers are for the spouses whose lives were torn apart and for their children. And yes, even for Partilla and Riddel, that they would find grace from a God whose love is never ending.

As a pastor who believed he could never have an affair - but did, I can affirm that run is the only way to save a marriage. Fortunately, as soon as the relationship became sexual both of us confessed to our spouses and our marriages were saved and we submitted to a restoration process. I lost a dear friend who in my heart I still feel is my "soul mate" - whethwr that is a lie from hell or the truth, I'll honestly never know, but it is too selfish to break up two families to find out!! We cut off all communication, as painful as it was after be close family friends for over a decade. The bond was close and we thought innocent, but like dating, a man and a woman only draw closer, they do not coast. I was the most surprised when it crossed when it crossed moral lines, thougj looking back, I could see all the clues were there, but going forward I was completely blind! And I was in a happy marriage!

Beware of great friendships with the opposite sex, they are a trap of the enemy for the most devote Christian!! If you think "not me" than you are are the more likely person indeed as was I.

It's been years and I still struggle with missing this woman, but I walk in obedience and I do love my sweet wife dearly. But once you have given a piece of your heart, you never get ot back.

Guard your heart, Proverbs warns for it is the wellspring of life!

To the anonymous pastor who had an affair: YOur marriage was not saved and you did not successfully "submit" to a "restoration process." Not when you admit to missing the other woman, that you gave her a piece of your heart that you will never get back, and that you still feel in your heart that the other woman is your soulmate. Breaking news: your marriage is still in big trouble, and sooner or later it will resurface. Does your wife--do YOU???--know that in your heart, you are still being unfaithful? Your wife deserves better than this.

Are their wedding rings on their RIGHT hands?
Is that what you do for your second marriage?
Third marriage: left hand, middle finger?

The following sentence says it all: "As for Partilla and Riddell, now they get to try to build a marriage after demonstrating that neither one of them can be trusted." Only an idiot would marry someone who has been unfaithful.

Wow, Mark - observant! Either the photo was flipped or they might be from cultures that wear them on the right hand - just go to Wiki and look up "Wedding Ring"

Anna, earlier, did make a good point. I know I've faced being attracted to guys before (not married, and I'm not married) but would sometimes have to fight the emotions and it wasn't in fleeing from the friendships (oh so tempting!) but in turning it over to God and wanting what was best for the guy in that I could put him out of my mind. I remember an ex-boyfriend who hurt my deeply and how I struggled with forgiving him until the day I saw him standing near a girl we both knew - it was in a crowd of people and I had no indication that they were at the event together and I realized that SHE was perfect for him. In that instant I forgave him and moved on. They have been married for several years and are on their third child and I couldn't be more happy for them.

Wanting what is spiritually best for the other person is always key.

Marriage is a COVENANT between God and a man and a woman. Let's have more teaching on the meaning and joy of the covenants God makes with us. Thank you, Gina, for your always thoughtful articles!

I want to agree with "M" concerning the "Anonymous" pastor.

How can you say, pastor, that walking away from an adulterous affair saved your marriage when for all practical purposes you are still pining after the woman in question? "M" is absolutley right; until you get this woman out of your mind, and more specifically out of your heart, your marriage will remain in trouble.

And help me with this, pastor, or somebody, what do you mean when you say you "were in a "happy marriage", when your "soul mate" and the woman who has a "piece of your heart" and whom you still struggle with missing, is not the one to whom you are/were "happily married"

Is this simply a matter of "Theology gets so much more difficult when you love the sinner", or is it like one of my friends love to say "it is easier to get forgiveness than permission".

Let's face it honestly folks, too many Christians are too willing to park their faith in order to enjoy "the pleasures of sin for a season". Living a life of Christian conviction, commitment and consistency does not seem to carry much weight anymore. Not even among pastors.

To the pastor and others who have commented: I applaud the pastor for his honesty and his warning that more Christians should take seriously -- affairs can happen to anyone, especially those that believe they are immune.

It has been my (personal) experience that relationships within the Church can create situations that lead more easily to affairs: acceptance, openness and encouragement can translate into attraction and emotional attachment. If we as Christians don't recognize that there have to be boundaries, even in "Christian friend" relationships, we will leave ourselves vulnerable to this scenario. And the impact to our marriages and families can take years to heal.

Thankfully, we serve a God who can restore and rebuild, and He is faithful to do this if we trust Him1

To the pastor I say: Don't give up, recovery usually takes a few years of patient, honest communication with your spouse. And your feelings (for the other person) will eventually fade away. It doesn't happen overnight, we aren't emotional light switches. God will honor your decision and give you a stronger, healthier more vibrant relationship with your wife!

It worked for me and my husband. We made it through an affair (that happened through a Church setting) and have a much more honest and strong marriage. Our family is together and we are happier than we imagined we could be. We are also much more humble about our shortcomings and much more thankful for God's Grace.

Gina,I agree with you, guard your heart , flee temptation. I agree what is there to celebrate when a good marriage was broken to get to this new one .

Someone I care for deeply sent this story link to me. I don't really know how to process it. I know truth, and I understand vows (I most certainly do). But I guess perhaps I think too much like man, and not enough like God.

Hi,

My mother has endured a loveless, abusive marriage in the name of marriage vows. She is a devout Catholic and will not leave her abusive, violent husband who she openly declares has had affairs and is flirtatious with women. She has endured years of abuse which has now subsided and also exposed her children to the same environment. What do other readers have to say about this type of commitment to marital vows? By the way they are now celebrating their 50th year together!

I am reminded of wise counsel I received from my priest...we often think of marriage vows in terms of being faithful. But marriage vows also promise to love, honor, and cherish. If both spouses love, honor and cherish each other, the faithful part is easy. Faithfulness is harder when the other vows have been broken.

I posted something yesterday, but I see my comment is gone. Not sure why. But now having read something above I felt I must once again comment. Hopefully my note won't be deleted this time.

To "Anonymous", and to anyone else listening for that matter: Do we honestly feel that our God is that selfish that He would want someone to stay in an abusive marriage, all for the sake of vows??? Isn't the idea of marriage to love, respect, honor, etc.? I'd like to think the God that I know would prefer people to be in loving, caring, and nurturing relationships. Not one-way selfish and evil ones where someone is abused mentally or physically. THAT isn't marriage.

To the pastor that everyone keeps beating up about his feelings: You feel what you feel. Don't disregard what you feel. But yes, look to what is right. And what is right is to find the love in your heart again for your wife that will override these desires you may still feel. Remember the time when no one was more desireable to you than your wife? Do whatever you can to attain that once again, because without it, you and your loved ones will have a very long road ahead of you.

I don't think we remember that God provided the basis of marriage. If people don't claim to be believers than how can we expect them to live out the principles of "Christian marriage" when they have NO POWER to do it on their own?? We shouldn't expect that. Instead, we as professing believers need to set the example.

In short, I'm not shocked by the article. It happens every day because people live for their own "happiness"...and what makes people happy changes moment by moment.

QUIZ:

Which philosophy is most applicable to Christian marriage?:

a. "God wants us happy" (Robyn, Feb 01, 2011 Comment).

b. "Pursuit of happiness" (Thomas Jefferson, U.S. Declaration of Independence).

c. Live "happily ever after" (Common fairy tale ending).

d. "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me" (Jesus, Bible).

Come on people, affairs don't "just happen" and they can't "happen to anyone", especially physical/sexual affairs. Temptation comes before us all, but acting on it? You have intentionally get to know someone and then go somewhere private. It requires planning & effort. Like the pastor who didn't see it coming...you just magically woke up on top of someone other than your wife one day? No? Hmm...

@Anon-the Catholic Church definitely does NOT require or recommend staying with an abusive spouse. I'm so sorry your mother and family are dealing with that and will say a prayer for your whole family!

I hardly think this is special or even noteworthy. What the New York Times choses to publish (and what its readers chose to peruse) is entirely their business.

Half of all marriages end in divorce, and the average marriage lasts five years. I feel sorry for the kids, but you can't force anybody to stay married when they don't want to be, and you can't expect others to value the same things you do.

Perfect example: Wedding vows. They're not legally binding unless you're in the military (and in that case only prohibiting adultery), so when somebody doesn't care about them it's their business.

Um, EXCUSE ME, but I did NOT say "God wants us happy." I SAID, "I don't think I would have been able to support the marriage described in this post, had I been close to it."

Please be careful to whom you attribute words.

Correction:

QUIZ:

Which philosophy is most applicable to Christian marriage?:

a. "God wants us happy" (Yonkers housekeeper, Feb 01, 2011 Comment).

b. "Pursuit of happiness" (Thomas Jefferson, U.S. Declaration of Independence).

c. Live "happily ever after" (Common fairy tale ending).

d. "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me" (Jesus, Bible).

Thank you, Midwest Mom. Affairs do NOT "just happen." There are weeks, months of deliberate deceit, planning, taking steps to carry it out, making arrangements, planned lies. What "just happens" is temptation. The rest is deliberate. As for Catholics having to stay married, the Church does not require a person to remain married. The Church tribunals review petitions after a civil divorce, and there are many reasons that a marriage can be declared invalid, most of them based on an invalid sacramental covenant. Abuse, infidelity, lack of maturity and many other conditions can qualify as evidence that one or both parties did not fully enter, nor is capable of keeping the sacramental covenant. It's amazing how many Catholics don't even know that. Once an annulment is granted, the person is free to marry again in the Church, as if they had never been married before. The Catholic Church does not require anyone to remain in horrible or unsafe marriages. Even without an annulment, Catholics are free to divorce at any time and can still be sacramental members of the Church. It is only if they want to remarry in the Church that they need to seek an anullment.

How do you get someone out of your mind then? Can anyone help with that!???? Or am I not suppose to forget them? How do you just stop loving someone that you felt very deeply about and loved in a way that doesn't come around but maybe once in life? I don't think you ever quit loving certain people in your life, no matter how much time elapses. Will I just rot here on earth mourning all the "what-if's" of what I perceive as something lost? Someone very special to me sent me this article - and I know their intent was goodness and nothing else. It only raised my respect for who they are and what they mean to me.

Anonymous2, I was hoping someone else would take a crack at that. Honestly, I don't know that I'll be any good at answering it, but I guess I should try. But I don't have any answers that are very comforting. I don't think there's any nice, quick, easy formula to getting someone out of your mind (believe me, there've been times when I wished there were). Rather, I believe, there's a long, grueling process of deciding to obey God, submitting to His will, and asking Him to help us live with the pain. For as long as it takes.

And it can hurt like crazy. And that stinks. But I think that if we truly believe that God is worth all our love and trust and every sacrifice we make for Him, and that He made us to live for Him and obey Him, that is our best -- and only -- option.

Mistaking "feelings" for love is the mistake too many of us make. Feelings pass, love grows, if you tend it, nurture it, and respect it, it matures. It is sad that so many in our culture "feel" love -- and don't really experience the maturation process. Mature love grows sweeter and more complex as it ages. This couple came across a few weeds and tore out both gardens, to start again -- what a waste.

I think there is some confusion between judging the sinner and judging the condoning of a sin. Condoning a sin is itself a sin but it is also an idea; ideas are to be judged as ideas. It is one thing to sympathize with two people who committed adultery because "they were in love". It is another to judge "they were in love" to be a valid defense. Just like it is one thing to say that one pities someone who steals because he is hungry and another thing to say that therefore it is not stealing.

Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

What Are Wedding Vows For, Anyway?

Comments

recent posts

Archives

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

What Are Wedding Vows For, Anyway?

Comments

recent posts

tags

Archives