Her.meneutics: Why I Don’t Want to Be a Chinese Mother

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« Blessed Are Those with Alzheimer's | Main | A Woman, Not a 'Gestational Carrier' »

January 17, 2011

Why I Don’t Want to Be a Chinese Mother

I don't want to be an American mother, for that matter.

Amy Julia Becker

Amy Chua’s essay for The Wall Street Journal, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” sprinted across media outlets and the blogosphere, prompting responses at Motherlode, The San Francisco Chronicle, and Slate, among many others.

The essay spawned an interview on the Diane Rehm Show, not to mention nearly 5,500 reader comments on The Wall Street Journal’s website and over 100,000 comments on Facebook. Many of the comments — from Caucasian and Asian American readers alike — express criticism or dismay. Why the uproar?

Chua makes extreme statements about her parenting style throughout the essay (an excerpt from her memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother). She begins with a list of things her two daughters were “never allowed to do,” including “have a playdate,” “watch TV or play computer games,” and “get any grade less than an A.” She describes calling her daughter “garbage . . . when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me.” Chua, a professor at Yale Law School, explains, “the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child.”

Chua’s statements and the anecdotes from her parenting experience come across as harsh and extreme. She couches her approach in the language of love and belief in her children’s abilities. But she includes stories such as losing her voice from shouting at her 7-year-old daughter until she can play a piano piece correctly.

Chua’s approach comes across as demeaning and unhelpful at best. In a follow-up interview for The Wall Street Journal, Chua tempers some of her statements. She discusses the value of a parenting environment that includes both love and structure. She admits that she backed off from the more extreme version of “Chinese parenting” as her kids got older. She expresses her gratitude for her close relationship with her daughters now. But, at the end of the day, she remarks, “If I had to do it all over, I would do basically the same thing, with some adjustments.”

A separate article from The New York Times offers an example of a more typically “Western” parenting approach. As Hilary Stout reports in “Effort to Restore Children’s Play Gains Momentum,” “the scientists, psychologists, educators and others who are part of the play movement say that most of the social and intellectual skills one needs to succeed in life and work are first developed through childhood play.” She describes parents trying to relinquish control over their children’s schedules, allowing free play instead of simply signing them up for sports teams and lessons every day after school. Parents in this article have increased their “tolerance for chaos,” and have “learned to live with disarray,” in an attempt to provide their children skill sets in problem-solving, negotiation, team-building, and creative thinking.

It’s easy to read these two pieces and posit “Eastern” values against “Western” ones, or to list anecdotes proving the effectiveness (or ineffectiveness) of either one of these divergent parenting styles. Yet the styles bear comparison for their similarities, too, and, ultimately, for the ways in which they will disappoint parent and child alike.

Chua writes about raising “stereotypically successful kids” through strict discipline, limited social interaction, and regimented academic and musical practice. Stout describes play as a means to develop “the social and intellectual skills one needs to succeed in life and work.” In other words, both approaches focus upon the idea of success. But what does it mean for an individual to succeed? Should success be measured by academic achievement, sociability, job prospects, or something else? And should parents be held responsible for the success of their children, whatever that “success” may be?

From a Christian perspective, parenting ought to point children to the character of God as both the one who cares about the way in which we live and the one who graciously receives us when we fall short of that standard. The “Chinese” model of parenting reflects some Christian ideals in that the parent (at least the mother — Chua’s essay doesn’t describe a clear role for the father) is deeply engaged in her children’s lives and the parent articulates and enforces clear expectations for a good life.

Various biblical writers admonish believers to discipline their children. The writer of Proverbs, for instance, says, “A fool spurns his father’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence” (see Prov. 10:17, 12:1, 13:1, 22:6 for other examples). The New Testament epistles pick up the theme: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col. 3:20). Christian parents ought to discipline their children, and yet this discipline is not done to ensure success, or even obedience. Rather, discipline ought to point to the character of God as one who wants to teach us how to live a good life.

By Christian standards, the “playful American” model of parenting also offers some benefits. Encouraging creativity can serve as a reflection of God’s character as creator. Allowing children freedom — even the simple freedom to make a fort instead of going to soccer practice — can mirror God’s desire for us to know freedom, especially when this freedom comes in the context of a loving and supportive environment. Similarly, encouraging children to play together mirrors the relational aspect of God’s being.

Both of these parenting styles have something to offer to the degree that they reflect who we are as human beings — creatures who need instruction in the context of love and acceptance, individuals who need discipline in order to achieve our telos, our God-given purpose, and individuals who need grace when we just don’t meet the expectations placed upon us by others. But both Eastern and Western parenting styles fail if they uphold “success” as their goal. The gospel of Jesus Christ reminds us, parents and children alike, that our worth comes not from getting straight As, not from general happiness, not from imagination or creativity — but simply from the value bestowed upon us as children of God.

Comments

Success might be measured by excellence in friendship, community building, and love. My goodness, where's the love of neighbor in those models of "success?" My own daughter is learning the art of friendship this year, and that's more important to me than math flashcard mastery.

Amy Chua's article and its aftermath have fascinated me all week. Many are saying her harsh book excerpt in the WSJ, followed by her softer stance in follow-up interviews, are the greatest PR campaign in the history of book release campaigns. It certainly has gotten her noticed, and helped her sell lots of books. But especially in the aftermath of the Tucson shootings, I'm so weary of our cultural conversations being marked by extreme viewpoints; I call it "discourse by firestorm." Maybe her extreme viewpoint has sold books (and landed one of her daughters a gig playing piano at Carnegie Hall), but it's not the way I want to do things. I'll take my daughter's pride at playing for an appreicative audience of 30 at her annual piano recital over Carnegie Hall any day!

And I like your interpretation of both her article/book and the "Western" model. Both focus on what we can do to make children a "success," using criteria that are certainly questionable not only for Christians, but also for everyone. Don't we know by now that being the top in your field, earning a high salary, and being publicly acclaimed do not make people happy, fulfilled, and a blessing to others?

Christian, Western... whatever. Bottom-line is, Asian kids do substantially better in school, and Asian societies have substantially less people flunking, homeless, on drugs, etc.

As a half-Asian half-Caucasian, I can argue the merits of both sides of the issue, but the reality is, Asian kids far excel over American kids in virtually every area, and there's nothing like excelling to give a kid self-esteem and confidence. Westerners may make a child feel good in the short run (when it is undeserved), but in the long run, they will pay the price for it.

In the end, some balance is necessary, especially for the child to succeed in Western society. Playing with playmates, participating in social activities, etc., are important things to do, but on Saturdays... and assuming everything else is in top order.

As a recent viewing of the _John Adams_ mini-series suggests, Western parenting was at one time just as strict as Eastern. However, the extreme individualism and "do your own thing" mentality that have come to dominate the West will ensure Westerners will never return to a culture where once again "Father (or Mother) Knows Best."

What Ellen said. Amen.

Unfortunately, the most important point of this article gets lost in the last paragaph: "...both Eastern and Western parenting styles fail if they uphold “success” as their goal." Both of these societies quite simply worship monetary success and the importance of one's position more than anything that would matter to God. Hence, the need for children to achieve straight A's, play the piano at Carnegie Hall, etc. These "achievements" do not (and never will) define or measure our worth in God's eyes.

Amy Chua appears not to know that what she describes is not a function of "traditional" Chinese parenting. It is a development of Communism. This is the way the State raised Chinese children in the cultural revolution, after encouraging the children to turn in their anti-state parents to be killed.
This is not parenting. It is training in robotics.

What is truly important in parenting, is to be a Christian and Bible-following mother or father. "Chinese" or "American" is irrelevant, for both fall short of God's standard.

For two years I worked as an RD at a public boarding school (a "prep school," if you will) -- 11th and 12th grade kids that were gifted in Science and Mathematics. I observed a few very important things there.

First, that they all the same troubles as "normal" or "average" teens.

Second, that the number of Asian-American students (many second-generation Americans) was far disproportionate to the percentage of Asian-Americans in that state, as well as in the US. And by disproportionate, you can guess to which side.

And third, that despite their academic success, the Asian-American students I worked with were noticeably the least happy.

Examples:

I had a student who could play Chopin pieces that even some professors at high-ranking conservatories struggle to teach and perform; he had a very bad relationship with his parents. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there was a Chinese student who rebelled against his parents' strict upbringing when he arrived at the boarding school and instead of mastering academics, became a master of Super Smash Bros (a videogame). Witnessing his father's verbal abuse over the phone and in-person was terrifying, and it only pushed this student further into his rebellion.

Finally, there was a young Japanese girl at the school who pointed out this startling statistic to me: the suicide rate among Asian teens. This is well-documented in American minority studies (example: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/716889/the_high_suicide_rate_of_asian_americans.html), but it's also true back in China, Japan, and other Asian countries.

Chua's approach is one that will create surface-level success and a whole host of emotional problems. No thanks.

Strangely enough, though, this very article juxtaposes the "discipline" side of parenting with the "fun/happy/love" side of parenting in its final paragraphs. Plenty of Scripture citation for the discipline side; only inference and modern theological interpretation for the fun/happy/love. Maybe get some Scripture for the latter half. I know it's in there (hint: use the Gospels).

Why does this discussion remind me of the Chinese proverb: "Give your boy a beating every day--even if you don't know the reason, he does."

First: The title of the WSJ article, in particular suggest a kind of pride that is anathema to God. I don't want to have anything to do with that kind of parenting.
Second: Proverbs 29:15 says, "The rod and reproof give wisdom." Col. 3:21 says, "Fathers do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." Seems like yelling until you lose your voice and calling your kids "garbage" is not part of the instructions.
Third: Children are different. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." - according to God's Word, according to the child's needs

It saddens me that Amy Chua's parenting habits are taken at face value as being somehow Chinese. I have the privilege of knowing many Chinese families. And yes, most Chinese parents, like parents anywhere, desire for their children to succeed in life. (Whether the world's definition of success is the Christian's definition of success is another matter.) And many Chinese parents expect their children to study well and to practice hard at skills like piano playing. But the Chinese parents I've had the privilege of knowing also allow their children to play, to hang out with friends and to rest. There are Chinese parents like Amy Chua, just like there are Caucasian American parents like her. Perhaps Amy herself doesn't realize that her perspective is more that of a member of the wealthy and driven elite than of a typical Chinese mother. I would wager that very few readers of this essay are Ivy League professors.

well, that's an interesting article to say the least! I do agree with the author's view that children should be given strict guidelines and in doing so, they will sometimes-shock horror-seen to be very harsh, but there's a price to pay for excellence and success.
Having said that, there is a difference between setting high standards for your kids and making them feel like a failure when they don't meet these standards. I think the lady in the article was intending to show that, maybe a little bit awkwardly?
A parent's love is unconditional anyway, just like God's love is! And I'm sure the lady loves her daughters very much and is having their best interests at heart...
At some point in life we've got to ask ourselves what is more important, a successful child living in the debilitating fear of not being good enough, or a successful child who is happy all in all, even when they're not A* students.
My parents were very strict with us and they had good reason, none of them made it past basic education (those were the days, you had to go to work to help the family) and they knew the value of a good education. Sure we got a good telling off when we gave less than our best, but if I came home with a D in maths (happened more than once!) at least I could look at my parents and tell them I did try my best but I just didn't manage to do well, and they'd say to try again next time! I am now a very successful University graduate and an overall high achiever (not ivy league though!), and I still remember the feeling of failing but knowing it's ok. My parents' and God's love is my badge of success and it's worth every A* in the world :-)

Thanks for bringing balance to this argument and pointing us toward Who is really important in all of this - God.

Every child is different and, while one child may thrive with a stricter parenting style, another may be crushed.

There is no question that we need to teach our children principles for succeeding in life, including a good work ethic, but how we do that can vary greatly depending on the child.

The one constant is to give them a God-centered world view, whatever their learning style!

Thoughts on Judgment by Fr. Richard Rohr follow:

By teaching, “Do not judge,” the great teachers are saying that you cannot start seeing or understanding anything if you start with “no.” You have to start with a “yes” of basic acceptance, which means not too quickly labeling, analyzing, or categorizing things as in or out, good or bad, up or down. You have to leave the field open, a field in which God and grace can move. Ego leads with “no” whereas soul leads with “yes.”

The ego seems to strengthen itself by constriction, by being against things; and it feels loss or fear when it opens up. “No” always comes easier than “yes,” and a deep, conscious “yes” is the work of freedom and grace. Spiritual teachers want you to live by positive action, open field, and studied understanding, and not by resistance, knee-jerk reactions, or defensiveness.

Words and thoughts are invariably dualistic, but pure experience is always non-dualistic. You cannot really experience reality with the judgmental mind, because you are dividing the moment before you give yourself to it. The judgmental mind prevents you from being present to the full moment by trying to “divide and conquer.” Instead, you end up dividing and being conquered.

Adapted from The Naked Now (pp. 49-50), and
When Action Meets Contemplation (CD/DVD/MP3)

to this i add, "and this too...it's all part of the whole which we do not truly know."

It is natural and generally encouraged for any parent to instill their own values in their children. For Chua, I'm sure academic success was not the only value she worked toward, but it is the supremacy of this value that overrides her interaction with her kids to the point of idolatry. In Christian terminology, idolatry is anything placed above God, which any Christian can recognize, but any non-Christian Chinese person would see no problem with "supremacy of academic success". Is that incompatible with Christian living? No, with God as the center and basis of our understanding of our self-worth (as adopted children of God), academic success is still achievable and commendable (not supreme above God, but supreme above sports success and street smarts). It is notable that Chua's husband is Jewish, a culture known for stressing intellectual achievement to their kids, too, especially as intellect is applied to knowledge of scripture.
So, as my Chinese husband and I determine how to raise our kids, we are choosing to sort the "good" from the "bad", as any discern-er should do:
The good: teaching math early, encouraging perseverance, choosing studying instead of TV
The bad: demeaning a child's worth in any way (because that is demeaning God's creation and gift to us), the supremacy of academic success to the point of idolatry.

Wow….At least this subject has generated a lot of passionate debate. Thank you Amy Becker for the great article on this subject.

As a family specialist and author of the book, Discipline Exposed – surviving fried worms and flying mudballs – I am concerned that this debate is all about the parenting styles of the parents and the success of the child. While reading all the comments I’m wondering where is the concern about “God’s Will” for the child that HE created. Often as parents we proudly stick our chest out and say… “This is my child. See what I’ve done. He/She is my creation.” Um….no…. If we truly believe the Bible then when God is talking in Isaiah 44:2 This is what the LORD says-- he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen… We must be concerned about God’s design for the child. We believe then that God had a hand in us long before our birthday. And again in Isaiah 49:5 And now the LORD says-- he who formed me in the womb to be his servant to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD and my God has been my strength--

While there are many other verses about being formed in the womb….it’s important to understand that as Christian parents our children are only on “loan” to us. We have a “God –ordained” job to do. We are to teach our children everything they need to know in order to be what God designed them to be. That definition may not include success as the world defines it – or it may. That definition may not include certain gifts that we feel are important – but….it most certainly will include a purpose that must be filled and will ripple through this life touching all those around.

The real problem is that we must define parenting, discipline, family dynamics and goals properly or we will always fail at this job. That definition must include laying every parenting technique and every idea on the table – taking a look at it – AND gearing it to meet the needs of the child and God’s will for his life.

There’s much more to say about this…but not enough room here. I’m giving a free class (starts tonight) on my blog. Check out www.mommydetective.blogspot.com to join the free class and receive a free study guide for “Principles of Parenting”.

Debbie Jansen

And how does a parent lovingly, care for and discipline a mentally or physically handicapped child whose success can only be measured by his or her worth in the Eyes of a gracious, merciful and loving God who created them for His own pleasure?

"But both Eastern and Western parenting styles fail if they uphold 'success' as their goal." - Best sentence in the article! This article was a solid, refreshingly Christ-centered response to the WSJ article, and it HAS been hard to find those.

Are there no Asian-American contributors to Her.meneutics?

duplicate Whatever happened to just letting children be children. My husband says,"You are only a child for 18 years. You have the rest of your life to be an adult. Let the kids be kids!" We have raised our 3 under that guise and low and behold... one has a BA, one is currently in the honors program at college and the youngest is on the honor roll in high school. My husband always told them,"School is your job." Our children never worked during the school year and 2 of them help part-part time jobs during the summers. We encouraged them to be involved in school/church activities. Summers are/were spent with family, doing church camps, sports camps and just enjoying being a kid. All three are responsible, caring and respectful. Each child has his/her own personal relationship with God. That is what I call success. My parenting type? Just being a loving, involved, encouraging and supportive mom.

I'm all for children being taught to work hard and having morals and manners, but really, telling your child that she's garbage, allowing no play dates or involement in school plays? Telling one child that you'll burn her stuffed animals if she's not perfect on the piano? This woman needs to be called out for being abusive. Her children will be in therapy when they're adults.

My finest moment of parenting was when my 4th grade son said, "My friend told me that his parents loved him because he got straight A's. I told him he was crazy. They love him because he's their kid." I was stunned. He understood that my love for him was not tied to performance and he was able to articulate that to a friend. This is also the gospel in a nutshell. God loves us because we are His.

Christian parents should strive to love as the Father loves. We need to live the gospel so our children can find their way to their Heavenly Father.

Or you could try Indian parenting, like I experienced. It's like Chinese parenting but with an extra dose of butt whooping.

Like that old Wendy's commercial, "Where's the BEEF?" I would like to know "WHERE'S THE DAD?" It takes two parents to fertilize a seed, to grow a human. Is that the only function he served? A stable husband wife relationship is the greatest gift we can give our children. It provides the foudation upon which all else can be built.

A reader comments on the superiority of children in Asian countries: While there is a marked difference in how the US schools vs. some Asian countries, the statistics are in part flawed. In the US all children attend school, regardless of economic status, and all children in school are tested. In many other countries only successful or wealthy children are schooled and tested, the pressure to perform leads to drop-outs and suicide, and failure shames one's family. You can't compare the two. If the US was selective about testing only the top 25% of students, and only those who can afford tutoring, our scores would match, too.

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