Her.meneutics: Are Single Women Too Picky?

back to Christianity Today

RSS Feed | Help

email to a friend

twitter updates

Follow Her.meneutics on Twitter

What Is Her.meneutics?

The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

interests

books and media

church life

justice and politics

relationships and family

sexuality and health

spirituality

theology

women of note

writers

More ...

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

« When Gender-Based Parenting Goes Too Far | Main | The No-Makeup Spiritual Discipline »

February 4, 2011

Are Single Women Too Picky?

That’s the central claim of Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him, now out in paperback and being marketed to Christian women.

Bonnie Field, guest blogger

Are single women single because they are too picky? Lori Gottlieb argues this is precisely the case, and she uses herself as the prime example. When asked to list the qualities she wants in a husband, the then-41-year-old journalist came up with 60 items — just off the top of her head — ranging from “kind” to “has a full head of hair (wavy and dark would be nice—no blonds).” But the most important thing she was looking for couldn’t be quantified on a list. She wanted a man with a certain je ne sais quoi. She wanted fireworks on the first date. She wanted to know she had finally found “The One.”

Newly released in paperback and being marketed to Christian women in time for Valentine’s Day, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough details Gottlieb’s journey from picky singleton to enlightened woman who is willing to date a bald, bow-tie-wearing man named Sheldon. The book's title, based on Gottlieb's 2008 essay in The Atlantic, brings to mind desperate women who are willing to marry anyone simply to avoid being single, but that is not what Gottlieb means when she encourages women to settle for “Mr. Good Enough.” She does not advocate resigning yourself to a life of misery with a man you find unpleasant, but rather, adjusting your expectations and being happy with a more realistic version of Mr. Right.

According to Gottlieb, the problem is that women are no longer satisfied with companionship, security, and stability. Instead, we believe we deserve it all, and that includes a soul mate who is exciting, passionate, masculine, and has the same emotions women do. To make matters worse, we start to believe that no matter how great a guy is, there must be someone better out there. She argues that we should throw away our lists and focus on inner qualities and essential values rather than outward qualities such as clothes, height, job, or education. Rather than asking ourselves, “What’s wrong with him?” we should ask ourselves, “What values and goals do we share?”

Many readers might find Gottlieb’s journey humorous as she chronicles her adventures with online dating, speed dating, matchmakers, and even a dating coach. In each of these scenarios, however, her conclusion is the same: You’d better grab a man while you’re in your 30s, because men don’t want a woman who is over 40. Gottlieb frequently reflects with regret upon all of the good men she let get away when she was in her 20s and 30s. Now, at 41, there are few prospects. Unfortunately, there is little acknowledgment that men should not be picky about the women they date. It is accepted without question that men choose women based on age and physical beauty. I can’t help wondering where the book is that tells men that they need to “settle” for a woman who is kind and caring but might not look like a supermodel.

Although I think Gottlieb’s premise is a good one — in the search for a mate we should focus on shared values rather than superficial qualities — as a Christian I had trouble swallowing two aspects of the book. First, Gottlieb is clearly writing to urban professionals who date regularly and accept premarital sex as the norm. Although there are certainly Christian women who fall into this category, I don’t know very many who could pass as a regular on Sex and the City and who break up with good men because of the way they eat their peas. In fact, single Christian women have the opposite problem. Rather than being too picky, many are so desperate for a potential mate that they make excuses for less than desirable men. I knew one Christian woman in her late 20s who made excuses for a boyfriend who had recently been in prison for child pornography. Being picky can be a good thing — as long as you are picky about the right things.

But my biggest criticism of Gottlieb's book is that she considers religion to be one of those external, objective qualities that we should not be too picky about. When she realized, with the help of her dating coach, that approximately 2 percent of American men are Jewish and that this narrowed her potential dating pool to .1 percent of the male population, a shared religion quickly came off her list of must-haves. Gottlieb is right that we should focus on shared values rather than superficial qualities. But for us as Christians, these shared values should include more than kindness and a desire to get married. We should limit our search to those men who make their relationship with God first and foremost in their lives, even if it limits our dating pool to .01 percent.

When I finished reading Marry Him, I couldn’t help feeling depressed — not because I realized I had been too picky or because I realized no man would date me now that I am over 40. Rather, I felt depressed because of the desperation with which so many women search for Mr. Right. Yes, most single women would like to be married. Yes, we should not be so quick to judge others according to a superficial list of expectations. But settling for a husband who does not meet God’s standards will not bring us the happy ending we seek.

Bonnie Field is an educational consultant, curriculum specialist, and English teacher. She is single and co-author of the book Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church, which Christianity Today reviewed in 2009.

Comments

When I was dating as a young woman, I decided that I would give anyone who asked one date. I also spent time casually with men who possessed various appearances and characteristics. I think *people in general* are too picky, both men and women. We need to recognize the image of God in everyone we meet and treat them accordingly. If we are able to do that, I believe that the focus on outward appearance as a measure of suitability for a mate would be diminished.

I'm not saying that one should marry someone to whom one is not attracted. I'm saying that a man or woman might find him/herself attracted to someone s/he never imagined if s/he doesn't reject people out of hand.

I think one of the reasons books like this (and even some articles by well-intended Christians) can leave us discouraged is the way they reinforce what Alain de Botton has called "romantic mysticism" -- a kind of spiritualization of romance in which courtship and love become the ultimate source of meaning in life. As Christians, we obviously know at least intellectually that this is not so, but boy, is it easy to nonetheless buy into that on a heart level.

The other piece of the discouragement, though, I think comes from a sense of hopelessness about God's involvement in this realm of life. You look at the numbers of single men vs. women in the church, and it's easy to see a seemingly impossible situation.
One of the best antidotes to all this that I've found personally (and, I'll admit, as the author of a chastity memoir, I sort of expected my singleness to have been “dealt with” by now) is a wonderful group of people who fast and pray about marriage and singleness every week. Until recently, the main connection was a weekly email to the group, but you can now subscribe to the blog, fastpray.wordpress.com, for the weekly meditations. I can't quite explain it, but this group has been a profound encouragement to me at this stage in life and has really given me a sense of ongoing connection to God in the midst of being single and wrestling with all the fears and pain that raises.

There are some of us who are single, never married over 40 because the LORD has asked to us remain single as we serve Him in the calling He has given us. I am a 54 year old assistant pastor and am one of those who have served the Lord single in obedience to His special call to me. We tend to forget that this call is not for everyone but only for the ones that the Lord has requested and is just as vailad as marriage. Yes, I would have loved to been married and minister as a team, but that would have been me settling for second best for me.

Or maybe the reason that there's so much divorce is because people aren't picky enough?

Good book! Good blog! Excellent exposure of an "inconvienient truth" in the battle of the sexes! I believe one factor in the problem of women "wanting it all" is the lingering effect of women's liberation on relationships. We all know that in business and academia women reign supreme except in some top spots. For decades, if it is a choice between an equally qualified woman and man the woman will get the job every time as directed by the local Human Resources (HR)Mafia subtly dedicated in their nebulous hiring policies to exclude white non-hispanic males for ALL decent jobs because white males are still judged, after fifty years, to be the "oppressors" of women and minorities.

The heart of the problem is women, especially professional women, have grown accustomed to "getting it all" in the jobs market and now this is spilling over into the selection of a mate. Sorry, ladies there now appears to be some justice for men. Men are certainly equal to women not subservant as if they are "objects" on a retail shelf to be "evaluated" and the best "object" selected by the "me first" woman seeking a mate. Indeed, one woman has 60 must have qualities the man must meet before selection! This is not just picky but super picky! Amazing! Why do the woman's standards for selection reign supreme? What happened to plain a old friendship that grows and grows as the marriage ages? As a man, I urge men to categorically reject such picky women prefering and urge men instead to look upon a potential mates inner qualities such as patience, compassion and consideration for others, frugality (aka not a gold digger), and bona fide not "faked" spirituality. Indeed, women are indeed too picky and now "the chickens are coming home to roost" as they now lament all the decent but not flashy men they passed up during their 20's and 30's. Sorry ladies but the "supremacy doctrine", (aided and abeted by your local HR and EEO Mafia) the women's libbers fed you all these years is most likely your undoing! Your selection criteria is not superior to the man's and your needs and desires are certainly not superior. To feel your selection criteria is supreme is plain old selfish. Give we men a break, please! A lot of us are just easy going guys that are more than ready to overlook more than a few of your faults and shortcomings. Couldn't you do the same?

Signed, A Christian White Non-Hispanic Male

Give me a break! The problem is that Evangelical young women are taught that they must find their completion in a man. Did it never occur to anyone that we don't need that? That women can have a perfectly happy life without a man? Sexist, behind the time and dishonoring to those of us who have chosen the single life as what works best for us.

I know a female pastor who is over 60 and single. No man has ever been "the right one." A couple years ago, she decided that she wanted a dog, but so far, none of the dogs she has ever met has been "the right one." I advised her to get a cat.

I am very upset by the comments by the "white" non-hispanic male. That level of ranting by any Christian is disconcerting at the very least.

Most young women and not so young women are marrying "Mr Good Enough" When I was in my 20's and unmarried, there were many non flashy solid guys around. the ones I rejected in my state of chastity were the ones I could never consider having sex with for the rest of my life. Maybe if I were more experienced, I would have been able to see their potential.

Of course single Christian women are way too picky. Unless you are "perfect", whatever that means, Christian women will say that they "just want to be friends". On the other hand, if you are "perfect", whatever that means, Christian women will go gaga over you, even if you don't know the difference between Jesus Christ and Buddha. I accept that there are people who remain single throughout their lives because they have been called to serve God in that manner, however, any single Christian woman who desires to marry, and are not married, only have themselves and their unrealistic "criteria" to blame.

Nathan Kirby: well said, I agree totally!

M: so funny, so true, but so sad as well.

To "citylady" who attacked my argument as "ranting". It is common on blogs to attack the person rather than the arguments espoused. I have yet to meet a women who will even consider that white non-hispanic males are facing discrimination. Your denail is evident by writing off my theses as "ranting'.

I challenge you to look at the hiring decisions made by companies especially in academia. You will find subtle systematic reverse discrimination especially in university staff positions. Professors with unique qualifications are accepted only because an equally qualifed woman or minority did not apply. My contention is merely that women have grown accustomed to having things "their" way in the business world today and this has spilled over into the mate selection process.

The fact is the women's liberation movement and affirmative action have placed women and minorites above equally qualifed and even better qualified white non-hispanic men in the job selection process. This unfortunate attempt to provide better opportunity for women and minorities has had the unfortunate effect of giving women the idea they are somehow superior and what they want rules. We are all equal and we should treat other as such.

Now please comment on my argument and not write it off as "ranting". I believe the facts speak for themselves in today's job market while the nexus to the mate selection process may be debatable.

This book is being marketed to Christian women? Can you say "lack of discernment"?

And, Nathan and James, you seem to be saying that, if a Christian woman is single, it's her fault, and if a Christian man is single...it's still her fault. That makes no sense. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango". Two people form a relationship, not one. If it's not going to work out, the "fault", most of the time, probably lies with both parties.

And, why do we even need to *blame* someone for being single? It's not something that needs to be "fixed". It's a life stage, not an affliction. Sure, some people may be too picky or may "want it all", but that spans both genders (how many men do you know that won't even look at a woman unless she looks like a supermodel?), and I believe most people probably go through stages where they are "too picky".

The fact that this is being marketed to Christian women makes me cringe. It seems like yet another in a long list of "Woman, you are single and that means there's something wrong with you and it's YOUR fault" books. Well-meaning, but ultimately useless and damaging. Women don't need a man/marriage to complete them, they need God. Now, I am not saying that to put down men. I really value my male friends and the different (not superior or inferior, just different) outlooks they bring to the table. What completes each of us is Christ alone.

As I have read the preceding posts it seems to me there is little that changes concerning the expectations that males and females have one toward the other. In the 60+ years I have spent on this earth, all I ever wanted was a wife who would love me, our children, and fidelity. I would have bet my life on the absolute fidelity of my first wife. I would have lost my life in 12 years. It took a number of years to take another chance but I did. I again would have lost my life in 16 years. Ergo, I will take no more chances. This old heart just can't take any more. There are no white knights in shining armor and there are no princesses. There is only God who is faithful. Everything else is merely fantasy and I've had enough fantasy to last the rest of what is left of my life. I was ordained in 1975, I teach at the college level; spend my hobby time researching theologies; and live with my two dogs that are unconditionally faithful. It's sad that I can't have that confidence in humanity. My Heavenly Father, my thirst for truth, and my dogs....what a combination. Am I completely happy? Obviously...no.

As a single woman over forty years, I would like to say that "picky' is relative. If picky means choosing a man that loves God, loves himself and loves me, then I'm forever guilty. I am a divorcee and having survived the unnecessary pain of marrying someone who is self-deceived, there's no way I would recommend "settling" to any single woman or man. Two cannot work together unless they be agreed! (Amos 3:3)

I honestly have never witnessed this epidemic of "picky women," and I don't even think it holds true. I see young Christian couples marrying constantly. Tons of our friends from university are married now (we're mid-twenties). Many of them to their first boyfriend/girlfriend. If anything, women sometimes seem more desperate than picky. I don't know of a single Christian woman who is "playing the field." Until there are some statistics or something, I think this is all stereoptying. Gottlieb is projecting her own problems onto other women. If she's describing women who belong on Sex and the City, I have no idea why she's even marketing to Christian women.

I see so many young Christian women who are so desperate to find the perfect Christian man before they turn 23! I have several good friends who, for whatever reason, believe their marital status reflects how much God loves them. Please, do not even get me going on that rabbit trail. The fact is there are some young women who buy into the lie that a young, handsome, career-successful husband will give you enough love and happiness to last you a life time and ever after.

I read this book when it first came out and it did help me change my thinking on relationships in the sense that it advises to have 3 "must-haves" in a potential mate and no more. I joined a dating site shortly after reading it, resolving to be more open than in the past and while I did not meet Mr. Right, I did have more conversations and dates than the last time I did online dating. However, I am really surprised this book is being marketed to the Christian market. I can't see a Christian book store stocking this for the very reasons mentioned in the article. Seems like the publishers did not know their market or they would have done some rewriting and deleting! Nevertheless, the message is good one for over-40 single women, Christian or not.

As a single, 30 something, Jesus Girl in a moderately sized midwest town, I do not think i am too picky. Period. I was quite offended and hurt by citylady's comments and annoyed by a few others. but I recognize two things. 1) I didn't read the comments in order to respond to them. and 2) those people probably will not even read my comment; so I choose not to respond to them.

I live a very full life. I volunteer mentoring college students twice a week. I enjoy my church, which is in a smaller town a half hour away from my home, and has, literally, no available single men at all. I go out for dinner and lunches with multiple friends and spend time with them at their homes. I see my parents once or twice a week, every single week. I am currently building a business and have plans to launch a second one next month. I tried online dating last year and was simply not able to give it the time and attention it would need in order to have any level of success.

And I haven't even mentioned my "criteria" yet. So how can you possibly, how can ANYONE possibly declare that I am picky? That anyone else in my boat is too picky? How can you possibly? You don't know a single thing about me! You don't know my issues with self-esteem, you don't know how deeply I desire a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me, you don't know that I haven't even MET a new possibly single Christian man in years, you don't know that I desire a man who is considerate and will carry groceries and open doors for me. So how can you possibly read this post about this book that isn't even written by a Christian and declare that *I* am picky??

Yes, I have a list. But it is not based on Hollywood or Harlequin. It is based on YEARS of seeing my friends fight and work on their marriages and what makes one work and what doesn't. On watching husbands interact with their wives and learning to appreciate the things that are much more than skin deep. I have a list of 5-8 non-negotiable items #1 of which that he be a Jesus Lover. and then I have a list of another 8-10 things that would be preferred, but are not necessary to my life-long happiness.

Multiple friends have told me that they don't know why I haven't found a guy by now. They have also in the next breath told me that they don't KNOW any single, Christian men. So, you tell me. Is it women who are too picky? or is it men who are refusing to step up and be mature, responsible men and own their own pickiness? Their own desire to have a Christian Barbie doll to sit on the couch next to them while they play video games and pine away on the porch while he goes and plays with his buddies.

Please stop determining that "all" of us single Christian women are too picky. Please stop blaming us for something that most of us would change in a heartbeat if given the chance. Please start talking with the men in your lives about their desires and lists and what they are doing to meet us. Because I, for one, will NOT ask him out. He will need to find me and ask me. Like another commenter above, if you ask, I will give you at least one date.

Can we please have an honest, caring, compassionate conversation on both sides of this issue and help each other find Jesus in the middle?

May I humbly suggest that mr. Kirby here is being too picky? I know plenty of Christian women who are just dying to get married, I find it somewhat hard to believe that he (and other like him) have not stumbled across even one who was willing to view them as more then a friend. Seems a tad suspicious. Either that or they have really low self-esteem and aren't willing to step up when it comes to initiating things.

My wife of 53 years died a few years ago. Shortly before she died, she asked me to hold her hand. I did -- until she died. She died peacefully and I held her hand. One of my sons was holding her other hand. She smiled beautifully as she died. We have three children married to Christians. Two unmarried children live with me and are regular church goers. We have six Christian grandchildren and five Christian great grandchildren. We all pray together quite often. I have read all the interesting comments and I still don't understand the problem.

LaughingMouse wrote:

"I live a very full life. I volunteer mentoring college students twice a week...I go out for dinner and lunches with multiple friends and spend time with them at their homes. I see my parents once or twice a week, every single week. I am currently building a business and have plans to launch a second one next month. I tried online dating last year and was simply not able to give it the time and attention it would need in order to have any level of success."

You may not be too picky, but you are definitely too busy. Do you really want be married, or not?

We should re-title this: Are American Women too Picky?

The average woman in the world is not looking for "romance" or fireworks. Americans have over romanticized so much of life that we walk around being disappointed cause our lives aren't like the movies. Sad!

News flash: the movies are not real. We need some down to earth conversations about real life with our children and young people who are looking to us to help define reality.

John, do you know what people would say to LaughingMouse if she *didn't* do all that? They'd say, "Why are you sitting at home with your hands folded? Get out there and get busy serving the Lord! You'll meet someone while you're doing that!"

Christian single women can't win. We really can't.

Response to:

Posted By: Linda | February 6, 2011 12:52 PM

My dear lady, I agree with you 100%.

Gina, good point.

I would say that the wise single woman would find opportunities to serve the Lord that would put her in the company of eligible single Christian men. Mixed gender mission trips and homeless outreach are some ideas that come to mind immediately.

Sorry to pick on LM again, but consider what she is involved in at the moment, as shared by her to us:

- Mentoring college students is great, but unless she wants to marry a man who is currently still a student, that does not sound very promising. Also, the college's conduct code may prohibit romantic relationships between mentors and students, and in fact it should.

- Her friends already told her that they are not able to make any referrals for potential suitors, so spending more time with them is not helpful in attracting a potential suitor.

- If her parents know any eligible single Christian men, I'm sure they would have told her about it quite a while ago. Unless they don't like grandchildren.

- Her business contacts may not be appropriate suitors. Besides, there is always a risk of romance fraud when one gets involved in an intimate personal relationship with a business contact.

- Online dating is a good venue, but as she shared with us, she did not place it high enough on her priority list to devote sufficient time and attention to it. To her, other things are more important.

So, her continued singleness should not be a surprise. If a woman wants to be married, she needs to make herself available for a romantic relationship. Placing yourself in situations where you can meet potential suitors, and accepting dates when asked, are good first steps.

One more point: "sitting at home with your hands folded" is not helpful in finding a husband either. Any eligible (i.e. non-related) man who lives in your home should already be your husband.

ok there is picky and there is problem!
i am in London in the uk mostly female in churches under25s do not have a problem. 30s 40s still on there own god did not intend for women to be sad lonely no kids and frustrated. when we pray fast and live right mingle get involved trust God it will happen men: its not the blond barbie that has to be wifey, Women its not his waleet or tall dark and handsome.
in uk men show interest when women get happy they run it happens everywhere not sure why. women do have a tick tock and after 35 hard to have kids God dont like this i reckon so is it an endtime plan? get all your friends to pray mingle travel love god first and you will find your mate. eunochs seem to know that there meant to be single.
keep your eyes on God

I've read the thread. It reflects -- it mirrors -- secular threads. So some comments.

1. Both men and women in the Church have been influenced by our culture. This book is a product of that culture. If you look at the model of sexuality in the Bible you find marriage and singleness (which Jesus said is an option and a gift). The duties of each spouse to each other are outlined. There is nothing about status in the worldly sense. There is a lot about status in the spiritual sense.

2. The way the relationships between men and woman have changed in my lifetime has not been for the better. It has been for the worse, and both men and women are unhappier as a result.

3. Being married is not about the ceremony or a piece of paper -- in New Zealand, if you are living together for more than two years you are considered to be in a civil union and the old marriage rules apply. It is a covenant from God and a means of sanctification -- for iron will sharpen iron. It is hard work, and there is nothing very romantic about that work.

4. None of us should be justifying our lives, for we are all fallen and we all have to deal with the sin that besets us. If we argue about status, we are not thinking clearly -- we are assuming that because this person is single, married, divorced or whatever that gives them authority. Instead, we should turn to scripture, repent as a church, and subvert the destructive laws and zeitgeist that is ruining our marraiges, our children, and our nation.

@John
"Her friends already told her that they are not able to make any referrals for potential suitors, so spending more time with them is not helpful in attracting a potential suitor."

I assume that she has criteria other than ability to refer potential suitors when choosing her friends. I hope you are not suggesting that she abandon her friends because they are not providing her with dates.

"If her parents know any eligible single Christian men, I'm sure they would have told her about it quite a while ago. Unless they don't like grandchildren."

I really hope you are not suggesting that she abandon her parents because they are not providing her with dates.

I would sum up this post to this:
"But settling for a husband who does not meet God’s standards will not bring us the happy ending we seek."

My grandmother had a saying, "I'd rather live alone than with bad company." Wise woman and great advice.

The answer to this situation should not be simple one, because it isn't. Yes there are 'picky' women out there as there are 'picky' men as well. And this book was intended to address that particular audience. Perhaps in the Evangelical subculture we expect people to find the 'perfect will of God'. This may be interpreted as finding Mr. or Mrs. Perfect by some. Or perhaps the words 'Til death do us part' invoke a sense of extreme urgency in making sure one is darn sure on making a major life decision. Again there are no one size fits all answers here.

LaughingMouse - I read your comment and LOVED it. I live in an area where people tend to marry young and its very difficult to find single Christian guys. Or you might find them but its because they are divorced twice and have three kids (I'm not joking). I've only recently started meeting some single Christian guys but either a) they aren't interested in my at all or b) they aren't ready for marriage and so aren't looking. Its amazing how we women are "blamed" for being single yet are then told that its a man's responsibility to provide for his family...etc...etc...etc. That's why I would never push a man to get married. If he isn't 100% willing before he says "I do" - what's to keep him from going "Well, I didn't mean it, I want out"

Statistically there are many more Christian women then Christian men. Its a fact that there will always be single women. People like John bother me they try to make it the woman's fault when its not.

Did James and I attend the same church? His assessment is right on - Christian womem are good at talking the talk, but walking the walk is another matter. In fact, I was told by one Christian woman in church that she was highly offended that I thought of her as more than "just want to be friends." Then there was the guy who showed up for church Sunday morning with a toothpick in his mouth, hair in a pony tail, black leather biker jacket who held the bible upside down. And guess what, he was "perfect", and Christian women went gaga over him. Read Julia Duin's book, "Quitting Church" and Chapter 5 in particular which deals with singles. I quit church and have no regrets.

I can’t help wondering where the book is that tells men that they need to “settle” for a woman who is kind and caring but might not look like a supermodel.

Have you checked out Proverbs? It was written for a young man and spends MUCH time advising on the qualities of a good wife, as well as much time on the type of woman to avoid (wife or otherwise) Proverbs is a much more widely read book than Gottlieb's will ever be.

@Dianne: of course she should not *abandon* her parents or her current friends. However, it is possible for her to meet new friends while remaining friends with current ones. And she can definitely insist that her future husband respects his future parents-in-law.

Bonnie, thank you for the good post and review.

We do have to be careful not to make sweeping generalizations and not to kick people when they are down (in this case singles who desire to marry). Wisdom tells us life is much more complex. Singles already have a hard enough time in the body of Christ(which is supposed be hospitable).

I suppose there are some men and women who are too picky. But as you mentioned Bonnie, I know many who weren't careful enough. They ignored red flags prior to entering relationships. Now they're trying to recover from destructive relationships/marriages.

Very interesting blog. I have many single friends, men and women. I can tell you 99% of these single women had parents who were sick for years and they became their primary care because their siblings got married to partners that demanded their full attention with no attention to their parents, thus "Oh, your sister/brother can take care of your parents, she's/he's single. Many single's time was spent on going to college with no financial help from parents and no help from gov't grants which weren't given to parents who were a $100 above the line. Than there's the sick married sibling who called at all times to have the single sibling take the kids because the mate was in the bar or working out of town. Don't assume it is the single person's fault, sometimes God keeps you single for the necessary needs of life. All my single friends are heavily involved in Church keeping the Church going until the married's kids leave home or their partner dies freeing them up to volunteer in the Church. The single's college and working experience is so vital to the Church. Our Pastor just loves the singles (I don't mean figuratively), in his words the men and women singles, widows and grandparents keep the Church running until the families can step up if they aren't babysitting their grandchildren. There's an old saying. Life is what happens while you're making plans. I say, you can't control life, if you're meant to marry or be single, that's the way God has decided for you.

When I was in my late 30's and single, I thought it was because I was "too picky." Then I was given the opportunity to marry a good friend, a good, God-honoring man. I married him, not primarily because I was "in love" with him, but because I cared for him and found him very compatible and I was tired of being alone. Twenty some years later, we are happily married, loving each other and attempting to serve our Lord together. We realize that much of life is very ordinary and repetitive and we enjoy sharing it. Had I been set on heart-throbbing romance, I would have missed all this. Real love is deeper than a fluttering heart.

Lots of interesting comments here. I would hope instead of all the accusations about individuals, that people who are single and people who have single friends would do something constructive, like what Robyn mentioned. I have been on the fast.pray blog since December and find it very encouraging. Let's all pray for godly marriages for those who desire them!

What I hear is a lot of frustration. And anger resulting from that frustration. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope that I hope that we all continue to see each other as brothers and sisters, reflecting the image of God, whether married or not, and whether a romantic interest pans out. Or not.

How depressing ......... good job we serve a big God who is both Male and Female .

Wow, there is a lot of sexism running rampant in here, and the stuff about affirmative action and women's lib, I am honestly speechless. While women certainly have more equality in the workforce, there are plenty of statistics to show that women still earn less than men, even for the same jobs. When you make claims like women are used to getting everything, please do a little legwork to confirm those statements.

I will agree, though, there is fallout from a corner of the feminist movement that says women can have it all. Look at the current trend of women with college degrees leaving the workplace altoghether to raise, and in some cases, homeschool their children. I know plenty of these women. They are choosing family over career because it is very, very hard to "have it all." I respect women, especially those who are Christians, who have determined for themselves that "having it all" is a standard set by the world, and not by God. Even if they choose to stay working and have a family, that realization is crucial.

One of the issues is that I think women are unfairly blamed for being single, and this book perpetuates that. Where are all the men of the church? Those stats that there are more women than men serving in the church can be backed up. Where are the men? If Godly women are supposed to choose Godly men, where are the Godly men?

Let's quit blaming here!

Kate,
You are right about the fact that we serve a big God, but let's not falsely label Him as male and female.God is not both male and female. There is no Scripture to back up this idea. Scripture tells us that God is Spirit and does not possess human characteristics.Being made in the image of God has nothing to do with male/female characteristics. It means that like God, humans have a mind, will, intellect, emotions, and moral capacity. The image of God is the spiritual component that only humans possess.
Worship Him in Spirit and in truth.

From all of this I conclude that the church has done a good job of teaching our singles how to remain pure, how to wait for the right person to come along. Where the church has failed is that it has not taught our singles how to marry or encouraged it.

There is a lot of stereotyping going on, both in the responses to this article, and in real life.

In my own life, I am often accused by people who don't know me well of being too picky, and having too big a list. I then ask them what they think is on my list, and they come up with all sorts of things I never said and don't agree with, but they are making assumptions. Just because I'm single, they assume I will only date someone handsome, or rich for example. Sometimes I ask them if they would like to hear my non-negotiable list:
--A passionate Christian, living out his beliefs daily
--Not an active addict
--If mentally ill, fully functional and on the right meds
--Employable (even if currently out of a job).
--Single

Does anyone really think that this is too picky a list? I doubt it. Other things are negotiable.

Please don't stereotype. There are some wonderful men, and wonderful women out there who deserve better.

Back in my college days [mid to late '70's] we guys had a criteria for dating: the girls we dated had 1.to be cute, 2. to know John 3:16, 3. and to know how to ski. [Knowing how to ski was optional.] This was our "guy" humor; we weren't really serious. But are women too picky now or then? I don't know about all Christian women then or now, but I know my wife obviously wasn't too picky - she married me.

Stephanie asked: "If Godly women are supposed to choose Godly men, where are the Godly men?"

Godly men are all dumped in the "rejected" pile by single Christian women.

James and the other guys who have been posting very negative statements - I'm going to clue you in to something. One of the reasons why single women like the so-called bad boy biker dude is because of confidence. Women are attracted to confident men. And you don't even have to feel confident - just act confident! Look at the previous post about gender differences. No, confidence isn't listed but look at the list of what a man is. Whether you agree with Stanton's beliefs, I took one look at the list of male qualities and agreed with most of them - that its those men who have many of those qualities that are the most attractive. And I would add to that list - confidence. If you have no confidence and don't even act like you have confidence that sends red flags to women. I can't speak for all women but I know for myself it tells me that this isn't a man, this is a boy, and I'm gonna have to be his mama, not his wife.

Maybe this isn't your issue and why you are still single, its incredibly difficult to know based on one little statement, but of the guys I knew back in college (Christian college) this was the case for many of the ones who were single and didn't want to be.

As for me? As a single woman I *know* why I'm still single. As the victim of childhood abuse, for the longest time men just flat out scared me. Its only been in the last few years that it hasn't completely scared me to death to be considered attractive to someone. But, I'm in a pickle - the single guys around here are few and far between. But I'll leave that in God's capable hands. And a good thing to note - 1 out of 6 women had childhood's similar to mine. While I know a lot of women are able to find a spouse and get married, I also wonder just how much the "pickiness" for some women is a shield to protect themselves from getting hurt.

To all the men kvetching on here about how women are all to blame:

Guess why you're still single.

@Leslie: Is "confidence" what the Bible teaches as the one quality in assessing whether a man is going to be a good husband? Please provide chapter/verse references.

@Anonymous: "Guess why you're still single" - because we prefer to be Biblical followers of Jesus Christ, instead of "confident bad boy biker dudes"?

Yes, we should not be so quick to judge others according to a superficial list of expectations.
Agree. Both men and women tend to do this and it's utterly shallow and banal and doesn't glorify God or His image in our fellow human beings.

But settling for a husband who does not meet God’s standards will not bring us the happy ending we seek.
I think I know what the author is trying to say, but this was a poor choice of words. Noneof us meets God's standards. Not one. Not for a single day. I've been married for nearly 24 years and the deepest connections come from supporting each other and forgiving one another when we don't meet those standards. Perhaps a better choice of words would be to recommend choose a mate who genuinely and consistently desires God and thus what God wants. That is our path, but we all stumble and fail more often than most of us are willing to admit.

In short, if you're looking for perfect, boys and girls, you aren't going to find it. Keep your focus on the main thing: Jesus Christ and lives shaped like Jesus Christ.

In today's Globe and Mail newspaper, a psychologist's advice column is titled "How can I accept being single? Am I just being too picky?" While the answer is from a secular perspective, it does provide some pointers to Christians as well. The article is here:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/valentines-day/how-can-i-accept-being-single-am-i-just-being-too-picky/article1901413/

"I'm a successful woman in my early 30s, with a great career, close family and friends. After two very serious long-term relationships, I've been single for the last 2 years. After a few dates with any new prospect, I inevitably find flaws and call it quits. Is it okay to be picky? How can I accept being single? Do you have tips for embracing singledom?"

Jay - I am *not* saying to be the bad boy biker dude. I'm saying that one of their traits is confidence and that is an attractive trait.

As for Bible verses. Oh good grief. You know full well there are no Bible passages telling women what qualities to look for in the Bible. There are only passages telling men what to look for. But the Bible is FULL of confident men.

Abraham - when God told him to leave UR, he did. He had confidence that God knew what He was doing. When God told him to sacrifice his son, Abraham had confidence in God.
Isaac
Jacob went from being a squealy little boy to one full of confidence
David
Paul
and oh yeah, the most confident of all - Jesus!

Maybe I need to explain more about what I mean by confidence - confidence is the determination to do what is right and to carry it through. Confidence is the assurance of your relationship with God and of your place in this world. Does it look different than worldy confidence? You betcha.

Is anyone (besides Jesus) confident 100% of the time? Nope, just look at Elijah who had the confidence to know that God would light a fire and prove all the others wrong, but yet Jezebel scared him.

When women look for "confidence" above everything else, they fall prey to con artists - the "con" stands for "confidence". It is also why "pick up artists", i.e. men whose hobby is to initiate intimate relationships with women, are successful in their trade.

I do know one of these "pick up artists". When he knew that I am a Christian, his response was "church girls are easy" (I'm won't repeat the rest here).

It does not feature my "friend", but I just read a newspaper article about "pick up artists". These men do exist:

http://www.thestar.com/article/935623--cribb-in-late-night-classroom-pros-teach-art-of-picking-up

Or perhaps single Christian men need to learn from the "pros"?

***head banging against desk***

Single men are getting sick and tired of single women that have their "list" that he must meet and the list is so stringent that no man can meet her standards. It's no wonder so many men throw their arms in the air and constantly say screw you and your list. If she can't be flexible and re effin lax on her stringent "list" no men will want anything to do with her because it shows she's way way high maintenance and she thinks there is this "perfect guy" out there. On the other hand she want's him to be flexible. There is no "perfect guy" or for that matter no "perfect person" there is no guy that's going to have the "everything" as in (the blue eyes, perfect teeth, his teeth are perfectly white, he automatically has the perfect abs, (which by the way it takes WORK) and most men don't have the perfect abs even if they work at it and of course height. Height is a HUGE huge issue for women and she could be totally or more than likely missing out on a perfect guy with her "list". I like James comment and I think women are constantly doing this to themselves ***head banging against desk***... Women that have the stringent "list are totally constantly banging their head against the desk or wall because she's always either never give the guy's a chance or men are running from her because she way to stringent with her list. I think women are giving themselves ulcers and brain damage with their constant bitching about "the list" he MUST meet and she's so upset because she has that "perfect guy syndrome/disease". Until she or women that have that "list" realize they have to ease way up on their list they will continue to be banging their heads against the desk, wall or giving themselves ulcers. Women you have to and must be FLEXIBLE and realize there is NO such thing as perfect and HE'S CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO MEET YOUR EVERY DETAIL LIST JUST WON'T HAPPEN!!!!!

I can tell from many of these comments that men don't want a list of what the woman wants. Apparently they want the woman to want a guy who wants to do it with any woman on the first date, marry an alcoholic, drug addict, a person not interested in kids and the responsibilities that go with it. It sounds like the man's list is a woman who when he gets "tired" and leaves can raise his kids by herself with no help from him, clean up after him after he returns from the bar, lets him hit her and/or the kids without even needing a drink, etc., etc. A guy willing to work or with money, any money, who comes home after work, doesn't mind her having reasonable women friendships, doesn't have "lunch" with a female co-worker, has a decent education that can be passed on to the kids, etc. etc. is actually quite hard to find, and, I didn't even mention attending Church with the family and not sleeping in while the kids religious freak of a mother drags the kids to Church. Yes, there are women with a list, but, hey, since looking at what the guys chase, it's so obvious the women you guys want to marry have no lists except getting you to marry them and than divorcing you for the next step up. Many single women aren't married because they know once they're married they will stay married no matter if the man gets sick for life, cheats or whatever. That's how important marriage is to them and when they have the man demanding sex, or doing only what the man wants, demanding no Churching, no parents (I don't care about your family)(you're mine now), etc. from the 1st date on, of course a woman will think twice about you. Look at the problems women who don't think twice run into, a life of misery. And I'm not saying that there aren't women who make men miserable with their personalities but if it's that bad, divorce, but don't leave the kids. But you guys do have a history. Yeh to the good Church liking guys because they're out there, keep trying and let the single girls know you, if the answer is no, there will be a yes, keep trying. Women have their personalities just like men and there's an old saying, gotta kiss a lot of toads to find the right one. It is work and can take a lot of time and effort on both parties but success can be had. And if there is never any success, you're meant to be single for some reason, find that reason in the Church, not videogames, football, pornography, etc. Happyness as a single is keeping busy doing something that makes you feel like you're making a difference in singlehood (and I don't mean sinning, that catches up with you and makes you even more misearable).

Wow.There are A LOT of assumptions and prejudice going on here--on both sides. However,I do believe that as men AND women it's very easy to blame the opposite sex's behavior as the source of our discontent. But once we do, we acknowledge that another person is responsible for the happiness and fulfillment that we seek.

Guys, could it be that it's not just "Christian women" that have the problem, but your judgment and basis by which you choose the young ladies you pursue? I've seen my Christian guy friends complain about the lack of godly women out there, but when I ask them to describe them, they can only come up with superficial qualities that basically anyone can fake for a period of time. And when I say superficial, I mean a Laura Ingalls/Mary Poppins/sexual fantasy/June Cleaver/Stepford wife mix, with all of those parts ready and available to please at any moment. That's what I hear when I hear Christian men complaining about that very thing, and I hear very little about their behavior that demonstrates they can fill that role of the male counterpart that the "type" they desire can respond to. I also see this when guys take the qualities of a married woman in church and expect the woman they choose to already operate at that level. Guess what? She wasn't at that level when she married her husband.

Ladies, the same goes for us too. The married men that we know in our churches didn't arrive at the altar that way either....they grew into the men you see, just as the ladies did. We also have to stop judging spiritual maturity in the vacuum of the church walls. Just because someone is heavily involved in church doesn't mean that he's godly. Get to know this person outside of the church vaccuum and just observe. What kind of friend is he? What's the quality of his family relationships? How does he deal with disappointment and loss? How does he deal with stress?(Guys you should be observing these things as well)How does he deal when someone wrongs him? Just because he has a well-paying job doesn't mean he'll be a good provider. Just because he likes kids doesn't mean he'll be a good father. Just because he's charismatic doesn't mean that he genuinely relates and connects will with others.

And when you do observe a dissonance, open up your mouth and say something about it--not with a judgmental, accusing tone, but a loving, concerned, supportive one. And hopefully, be willing to trust the Lord for that person's growth and change as that issue is addressed.

I am thoroughly convinced that the problems the Church faces regarding this is not simply pickiness, but rather the reality that we're not connecting and relating to one another as the family of God based on Christ. There should be openness, honesty, gracious firmness, and loving truthfulness in church. Instead, there's a lot posing, fronting, and faking, while on the inside, everyone's falling apart.

The claim that Christian women are too picky is plain old hogwash. Men don't get married because they don't want to get married under the conditions that exist in evangelical family values churches. These churches put Christians into a box - get married and have 2.2 kids. Men may simply not be interested in having a family. If a young man has a burning desire to have a family, he will find a suitable Christian woman.

Re Robyn: That is another thing that seriously irritates and angers men is the ONE date thing see it's women like you that think they can tell with one date and they also want to tell in like 30 seconds or a couple minutes of the first date if he's dateable or marriage material. The one date thing complete SHUTS men down because men get so nervous because they are wondering, did I say the RIGHT thing, what didn't I do, is she now all pissed off, is she going to get up from the table, stomp, throw her temper tantrum, run to the bathroom, call and whine to her friends all because GASP he was nervous and forgive us he didn't say the EXACT right thing to you. With women like you men are like why even put any effort into the date if all she's going to do is tear the date apart, get up from the date in like 30 seconds to 3 minutes, throw her temper tantrum blah blah blah.....

Dating takesTIME, it takes more than one date to get to know each other. He's NOT going to be this perfect guy, he's not going to have a perfect conversation, he's not going to know EXACTLY what to say, and he's going to be a bit NERVOUS!!! Yes both men and women get nervous when first meeting someone and they both aren't going to know exactly what to say!!! It's no WONDER so many single women go home only to bang their heads against the wall date after date after date because she wants to tell if he's the one immediately!!!! That's made up MOVIE TV dungdoodoocrap!!! Reality is it takes time to hang with each other and get to know each other.

Bev,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm in my 20's and moving in a similar direction with a guy that I met through friends. He's a good person, and I enjoy his company, but I've never really felt that spark of romantic attraction to him. Although he wants to marry me, I've had cold feet because I wondered if it was wise to marry someone under those conditions. Your advice offers the encouragement that yes, it can work. I guess I just need to disabuse myself of this notion of passionate romance and accept in its place the comforts of a stable relationship.

I just turned 45 years old yesterday and I have never been married nor have had a man in my life. I became a Born Again Christian when I was 12 years old (in 1978)and
I absolutely believe that God will give me a husband IF that is His will for me. Either we follow Jesus with EVERY aspect of our lives or we just dabble with Jesus as our LORD.
When I was a teenager and in my 20's I had a long, long list of the things I wanted in my potential husband. I was waiting for my 'prince' to come and then I would finally know complete happiness. Then I realized that no person will every fulfill all my needs except Jesus. A married person is just exchanging one set of problems for a different set. Thus is life on earth.
Now I require from a husband (if I ever get one) only two things: 1) that he always makes Jesus the first person in his life above me and 2) that I am completely sure he is the one the Lord has picked out for me.
I find two things interesting. Christians who are between spouses call themselves "Single" when they are actually, legally Divorced (sometimes several times). Also, people seem to think that if I haven't gotten married by now, I NEVER WILL.
My parents got Divorced when I was 8 years old. My father was an alcoholic, wife beating nightmare and we were lucky to escape with our lives. Yet my mother stayed faithful to him as long as he lived. Even though he got remarried again. She never dated or even looked at another man even though she was only in her 30s when they separated and very attractive. She always said, "I made my vows to your Dad AND God, and that does not change because your father is living wrong". He was the only man in her life for 50 years until he died last year.
This also allowed me to grow up with a very basic truth; as I have watched all my friends get married through the years (sometimes several times) I know that the only thing worse than NOT being married, is the living hell it can be when you are married to the WRONG man! You don't have to go out and find a mate. If Jesus wants you married, even if you locked yourself in a closet, you'd still meet that person inbetween the clothing. Seek God and his righteousness leave everything else up to Him.
God bless and thanks for listening.
Love Laura-Lee

It makes me angry when I read comments that "IF god wants me to get married, THEN it will happen." There are 100 desperate single women in the church for every 1 undesirable man -- just do the math.

My biggest issue with the church is that once someone becomes a christian, all common sense flies out the window and everything becomes magical. When I was part of the church, the most popular catch-phrase I heard was "EVERYTHING HAPPENS ACCORDING TO GOD'S WILL." If god wants you to get a husband, you will get a husband. If god wants you to have children, you will have children. If god wants you buy a house, get a job, get a new sofa set for the living room, etc., IT WILL HAPPEN!!!

We live in such a broken world. Maybe Laura-Lee is still single at 45, because there are zero single men in her church anywhere near her age. Maybe she's still single, because she didn't have a healthy marriage modeled for her while growing up in an abusive home. Maybe she's still single, because she locks herself in a room and never does anything to try to meet eligible men, because she thinks god is going to perform some kind of miracle if he actually WANTS her to get married.

There are plenty of things that HAPPEN in this world that aren't god's will -- it's call sin. Sometimes we suffer as a result of our own sin, sometimes we suffer because of the sins of other people, and sometimes we just suffer. I think that the reason there aren't very many single men in the church is that the church has been feminized. It's about sacrifice and feelings -- things that are more natural for women than men. Because the majority of single men in our society have turned away from god and the church, single women have suffered the consequence -- life-long singleness.

And, if you're wondering if I'm one of the single christian women who is too *picky*, I actually met a single christian man on a mission trip. I thought he was seriously ugly and so did everyone else. He had never had a girlfriend as a result of not being very attractive. I decided to date him, because I thought he was a good person an a christian. After dating for several months, I found out he was just using me until he could find someone better (prettier, thinner, and younger), and he ended up slapping me across the face. One christian woman in the church actually told me that god must not have a husband planned for me since my relationship with him didn't work out -- EVERYTHING happens according to god's will.

I'm not longer part of the church -- but I guess that's god's will too since it happened.

sometimes,single women are picky because they want to be sure that they finally found the best..but sometimes being picky is not advisable..^^

*recoils from all the bitterness and accusations flying in the comments*

Er...I'm personally starting to wonder if we picky folks' needs would be better served with some discussion on how to handle the whole self-induced-yet-unenjoyable singleness thing.
I started out having a VERY stringent, nearly impossible list:

1. Biologically male.
2. There must be evidence outside of my "feelings" that God wants me to be with that person.

After getting my heart broken twice, I've expanded my must-haves list to be even more nearly impossible:

1. Biologically male.
2. There must be evidence outside of my "feelings" that God wants me to be with that person.
3. He must be willing to acknowledge that I exist, e.g. through conversations, text messages, intentionally sitting near me, greeting me when I squash down my shyness in order to greet him...
4. He must not have a girlfriend at the time.

I am so screwed and I don't know what to do about it without putting myself into a position to be hurt badly! My walls are so high, and yet I don't know how to survive outside of them.

Thank you, Laura Lee, for your words of wisdom.

Absolutely true that it is MUCH worse to be married and miserable than to be unwillingly single. I was married in my early 20s and divorced some 4 years later. When I remember that time, the overwhelming sense of hopelessness and crushing weight of sorrow that I had made my choice and there was nothing to do but grit my teeth and live the rest of my life with this man, praying for an early death seemed the only ray of hope.

Now at 40 and single, but with a pervading peace and just plain thankfulness for the quiet and stability of my life, I am extremely reluctant to lower my standards.

Hard and painful experience has taught me the truth of the words Can 2 walk together unless they be agreed? When you marry, you agree to share your life and your body completely with that person. I will be certain that my next husband is a good, godly man before I agree to that. Or I will remain peacefully single, holding on to the Lords hand.

Folks, the loneliness you experience in a relationship with a selfish and worldly partner- man or woman- is worlds different and worse than the loneliness you feel being single.

Violet - I think you're going to have trouble finding someone who is biologically male in the church - perhaps you should think about lowering your standards.

Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

Are Single Women Too Picky?

Comments

recent posts

Archives

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

Are Single Women Too Picky?

Comments

recent posts

tags

Archives