Hermenuetics

Comments

I think that we're called to be hospitable to others as Christians, especially those who are marginalized, following Jesus' example.

Does Christian culture marginalize single people or those who are infertile? Yes, it absolutely, absolutely does.

I think a spirit of hospitality, rather than bragging, is helpful when deciding what status updates to post (and yes, I think it should be a conscious decision!). Perhaps a person might accompany her post about her darling husband with a few notes to single friends about how much she values and cherishes their friendship?

And taking a vacation from Facebook is also always a nice idea.

Posted By: Hannah | February 14, 2011 12:09 PM

What a good post. I've experienced both sides of Facebook Envy; before I met my husband, it was very painful to see the constant barrage of photos and status updates from my friends who were in relationships. After I met him, I was reluctant to post anything because I didn't want my single friends to feel that way.

I took a seven-month hiatus from Facebook, beginning the day before my wedding. I had developed a very unhealthy relationship with Facebook, and the extended break was one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I did recently reactivate my account, but I have far fewer friends than I did previously, and I almost never post status updates or photos.

Posted By: Kelly | February 14, 2011 12:41 PM

I'm another one of those single girls. Last night, as the Valentine status updates started rolling in I thought I might have to ignore Valentine's day on Facebook - but its more out of the utter mushiness of it all than it is about envy (though, that of course is always present). Do I wish I were married? Yes. But I don't begrudge those who are married and sometimes its nice to see the updates that say "I've been married for 10 years and 10 months!" etc...because it helps reinforce the idea that marriages can and do last a long time (and did we ever think that 10 years would be considered a long time?? *sigh*). And while I sometimes feel a twinge of envy when a friend posts how awesome her husband is, I turn it around and am glad she has found one - and again, it gives me hope that great guys are out there.

Posted By: Leslie | February 14, 2011 12:51 PM

The best cure for "Facebook envy" is to stop focusing on what you lack in your life, but choosing to celebrate the abundance that is in the lives of those you call friends. What others have and what you don't have are facts, but you have a choice as to how you react to those facts. Bless others for what they have been blessed with, or wallow in despair for what you do not have: guess which is the better choice.

Posted By: Andrew | February 14, 2011 1:47 PM

Gina,
You always write in such a thoughtful manner. Thank you for sharing your Godly wisdom.

Posted By: Linda | February 14, 2011 2:52 PM

Gina, you are awesome! I love your articles. As another "older" single woman, I find that you say things I have thought, and help me understand the issues, and myself, better. In this case, I don't mind the "Great Husband" days or pictures of friends' babies on Facebook. Once in a while there is a pretty sharp pang, especially with those darling babies. My arms feel very empty at times. But you are so right! We who have not been blessed with husbands or babies must not (implicitly or explicitly) make others feel guilty for their joy. I rejoice with my friends who have married since I've been on FB. I enjoy updated pictures of babies. Almost all the time. And when I don't, it's my issue- a chance to talk to God about it and let Him hold me for a while. Of course, some people are obnoxious and bragging and insensitive. But I am not one of those people who "friends" indiscriminately on FB, so I have very few friends there who are obnoxious. Gosh! If I ever do get married, I'd want others to rejoice with me1 But I'd still be careful how and how much I would gush around my non-married friends. Anyway, thanks for the article!

Posted By: Mary C | February 14, 2011 5:16 PM

Also, don't forget that all might not be as rosy for your Facebook friends as you might think. I don't want to burden my friends or compromise the privacy of those I love by mentioning some of the challenges our family and some of its members face. If you truly knew what went on behind closed doors, you'd understand that almost no one leads a perfect life.

Posted By: Kay | February 14, 2011 6:33 PM

Yess, I agree with Leslie, I think your perspective as a reader can really make a difference. And I agree more with those who said it really depends on the motivation of the person who posts the joyful post about their wonderful husbands. I hope those people updated their status about their wonderful husbands to make them feel special by publicly and genuinely complimenting the husbands. Personally my motivation of complimenting my beloved bf is to give my man what he needs the most, which is words of encouragement, so he would feel loved-considering his first love language is words of encouragement =) and of course I don’t update my facebook status everyday telling the world how wonderful my bf is. As much as we want to keep some things private between us, im sure he would feel much more appreciated when we compliment our man publicly about how he has taken care of us very well or even sweet little things that he did and this would definitely motivate them to be a better man since we show that we have faith in him, not to mention that this could boost guys’ huge pride that is often compared to Mount Everest.. =P (quoted from “for young women only”-a GREAT Christian book for teens’ dating advice by Shaunti Feldhahn) and I think my man deserves my compliments after all. =)

Posted By: elissa | February 14, 2011 7:32 PM

Thank you, Gina, for your utter timeliness. As a lifelong single at 50 with absolutely no prospects nor any expectation of same, the Facebook V-Day updates were a bit tough for me today.

Posted By: Lucie | February 14, 2011 8:08 PM

I try to look at Facebook as an opportunity to share Christ and to uplift and encourage my friends, rather than a forum for bragging rights. If something interesting is happening in my life, I may include it in a status update (an example was when my mother-in-law moved to our neighborhood from out of state to be closer to us). But I try to avoid boasting (the only thing I want to boast of is knowing Christ and His salvation). More often than not, I will put Scripture verses, inspiring quotes, and links to entertaining or uplifting videos on my Facebook page. I also like what Mary said about rejoicing with her FB friends who have married and that it's her issue when she doesn't. And even those of us who are married could choose to feel depressed when we see FB updates about job promotions, the purchase of a new house, and dream vacations. But isn't it nicer to choose to be happy, rather than envious and sad, when we see others being blessed?

Posted By: Julie | February 15, 2011 10:54 AM

Gina, nice post.

I didn't see a whole lot of whoop-de-doo posts from my friends last night. Some of them were pretty low key and it was mostly Valentine wishes to *everyone*. Even some of my married friends said things like "I'm at the gym"; the hype is over, I guess. :) (These folks do occasionally post nice things about their spouses, however... so it's not a sign of relational decay.) So in my personal life, Valentine's was actually just sort of fun for all.

But I confess, there are folks that, from time to time, I've hidden because everything is FANTASTIC and PERFECT and their husband is AMAZING and they just did this and that with these people and it was GREAT and here are 300 pictures from the party you weren't invited to and etc.

On another site I frequent (posting under a different name :) they posted an engagement story. It talks about how fun the engagement was, and where they went to celebrate, and how he proposed, and what their friends did... and on and on. Having no connection to the couple (either personal, or as commenters on the site), all the details are lost on me, and I don't find much purpose in it -- aside that I guess some people like those details, even when they don't know the people. Furthermore, there's no point about how that site encouraged the couple along in their relationship. If those details had been added, then I'd see more connection. As it is, however, it's not appealing.

I think that the two above thoughts have less to do with envy, however, and more to do with the fact that listening to peoples' cyber-bragging is not that appealing, generally. I don't think it's always intentional; some people lack self awareness. And sometimes, it's designed to mask other feelings. Still, it's not fun to listen to.

Posted By: Anne | February 15, 2011 11:11 AM

Great article, Gina. I'm in agreement with what Kay posted. I believe we project too much onto others and their seeming happiness when none of us has the whole package, so to speak. Listen, I've been married for 30 years to a wonderful man but even I get jealous when I read some postings by some family members who go on and on about their sweet Christian hubands and grown children who seem to never make mistakes. Usually we present the best side of ourselves and our lives to others but the reality is we all struggle with something. I didn't marry until I was 29 so I have empathy for those still wondering if they'll be blessed with a spouse and children, however there was no FB back then, and I still felt different from those who had what I wanted but didn't have. There may be different kinds of "joy" with being married and parents but along the way come a load of new burdens as well. God bless you all with His best.

Posted By: Sue | February 15, 2011 11:13 AM

I found this incredibly interesting. Just a couple of weeks ago I had to "hide" a certain friend from my Facebook feed because I felt incredible, overwhelming jealousy over the things she was posting. I couldn't stand feeling that way, and I know it's wrong.

I like that you "own" that it's your responsibility to check your feelings - I feel the same way. My first thought reading through this was, "But shouldn't people be celebrating the things that are good in their lives???" I think if people were doing the opposite and posting about all the negative things in our lives, we'd find a reason to be upset with that, too. So I believe you're right that we need to learn to take the responsibility ourselves for checking our envy meters and remembering the blessings we have.

Back to that friend I had to "hide" - I realized that the Lord has blessed me with so many wonderful people and circumstances that I wouldn't trade a day of my life for a year of hers.

Posted By: Kendall | February 15, 2011 11:42 AM

"Social media have given single people one more way to be reminded of what they don't have."
Please, FB is just another a way to be reminded of every aspect of life. The good & the bad. Sort of like if we met up on a daily basis crossing the village green. That's life.
If I could just get up & leave my husband & kids for 3 months I could go study in Spain as my single friend did. If I hadn't had my 6 kids I might look as lythe as my friend who's hiked every other weekend this year. Come on ladies, let there be no envy or strife among us. Let us rejoice with on another over the specific blessings the Lord allows to each of us and be prepared to bear one anothers burdens as they come.
Let's all share life!
I can invite my single friends over alot easier & more frequently than I can my friends with families.
If not for the love & support of my single friends the 6 kids my husband and I brought into the world by God's grace would have withered again & again.
Come on. Let us love one another.

Posted By: renee | February 15, 2011 12:16 PM

Valentine's Day. Who ever has a good Valentine's Day?!!

Posted By: Linda | February 15, 2011 12:23 PM

I don't have a Facebook nor any social networking page. I have seen them when others have shown them to me, and I am amazed that people think that the whole world cares about all the daily doings of their lives, their favorite colors, their favorite ice cream, whatever. And I also am amazed that people are so interested in such details of other peoples' lives, some who they barely know. Are people that lonely and out of touch with personal contact?

Posted By: Maryann E | February 15, 2011 7:58 PM

I'd like to add something I think is worth concentrating on to Gina's excellent list: not only being grateful for what we have, but learning to be thankful for our friend's blessings. It was hard to learn to be thankful for the three children that were born to three different friends of mine all within 6 months after my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, it was hard for a while to see all those babies every week at church...but now, it is really, really good. And from a totally selfish standpoint, it is really healthy for me to be happy for my friends. :)

Posted By: elly | February 16, 2011 10:01 AM

It's a nice article, but here's a better solution: quit facebook and you'll never waste time again on this problem again.

Posted By: Nadine | February 16, 2011 10:05 AM

"Come on ladies, let there be no envy or strife among us. Let us rejoice with on another over the specific blessings the Lord allows to each of us and be prepared to bear one anothers burdens as they come." Well said, Renee - what a refreshing and biblical outlook you have! And Maryann, I think you may be right about the loneliness that draws some people to social networking sites. On the other hand, FB can be a great way to connect with family and friends we don't see on a regular basis. There will always be those who feel compelled to post an update every time they blink, but for me, it is worth being on FB to stay connected with people I care about.

Posted By: Julie | February 16, 2011 10:07 AM

I'm with Mary C. You have no idea what's going on behind all those smiling faces. People create the image of themselves that they want to project to the world on Facebook. It's not reality. What we see in photo albums is a snapshot that edits out all the ugly stuff. Don't believe everything you see and read. If you knew the whole story, you might not be so envious.

Posted By: Jennifer | February 16, 2011 1:55 PM

Married or single, I see people all around making Valentine's Day into a day of expectations of what having a valentine would look like, or of what my valentine should be doing for me today. Do we actually TELL our Valentine what our expectation is? Or do I expect them to read my mind? Makes me ask myself and God "from where are my own expectations coming? Are they real or fantasy?" I know that my own "envies" & expecations are frequently kept to myself and not even lifted before the Ultimate Lover of my soul - God!

Posted By: M | February 16, 2011 3:16 PM

I love Facebook and how it keeps many of us connected. The reality, however, is that most people aren't going to share (although some do) all the negative aspects of "their life". When I see what some people write, and I know "their life" I just smile and realize that "things are not always as they seem" and I can be fine with what might otherwise cause me to envy.

I have a special needs adult child, and find that most of my friends in this situation in life, are pretty "real" on Facebook and in person - sharing joys, frustrations, highs and lows. For that I give thanks! We don't envy each other...we support each other. We know we need it! :)

Posted By: Cindi Ferrini | February 16, 2011 7:02 PM

Valentine's Day--Facebook or no Facebook--is a day I avoid as much as possible. When I was working, I'd see flower delivery people coming in with big bouquets of flowers, and it drove me nuts, knowing that will never happen for me. I just have to get used to the idea of no love in my life. I do try to be happy, when FB friends say their spouse has done something wonderful for them (I'm good most days, actually). But the over-the-top gushing is a bit much. Most of the time, I am all right with my 'forever' singleness. But V-Day is the pits.

Posted By: Patricia Finnegan | February 16, 2011 8:03 PM

This is a great article and a great conversation. I definitely spent years as a single woman wrapped up in envy and resentment toward women who were married while I searched for someone I was sure God would never provide. I can remember feeling a great amount of hatred toward Valentine's Day. Now after being married for nine months, I wish I had trusted God more during that time. I agree with comments others have made about enjoying the season you're in while being hopeful for a different one to come along. I love being married and feel very blessed, but I would love for my single friends to be spared some of the discontent that I immersed myself in during my single years for what I didn't have. On a day that the secular world has dedicated to love, it seems fitting for Christians both married and single to reflect on the God we worship who is love.

Posted By: Julia | February 16, 2011 10:13 PM

My husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day because we think it is an artificial, Hallmark holiday. Not very romantic, I know. But I did post in my Facebook status that I love him very much. I guess I never really thought that would offend anyone.

I'm very careful to post non-happy statuses as well so that people don't think my life is perfect. But I do have friends who portray themselves as having a perfect life, and it does make me jealous even though I know that their lives aren't perfect "in real life" as opposed to their Facebook lives.

It's sort of a catch-22. Are we supposed to pretend that we don't have joy in our lives so that other people don't feel jealous?

Posted By: Robyn | February 17, 2011 9:48 AM

Patricia, do you really have NO LOVE in your life? At the very least you have the love of God. I'm hoping you have friends and family whom you love and who love you. (((hugs)))

Posted By: Robyn | February 17, 2011 9:50 AM

Robyn -- No! I definitely think we should share our joy. We're told to rejoice with those who rejoice, after all... so that assumes that "those who rejoice" are out there, waiting to be rejoiced with! :)

But there comes a time when it starts to feel like it's being rubbed in your face. I like hearing my friends say they love their spouses. Even via Facebook, on occasion. ;) If I never heard that at all... that would be a huge downer! (If you've ever been in a situation where it seems like everyone's breaking up all around you, that can be pretty heartbreaking -- so a measure of joy is welcome.) But when there's a constant stream of "Everything is SO GREAT! My hubby this, my hubby that..." it comes across as artificial and, yes, pretty annoying.

That's when we can remember to be a bit sober in our celebrations -- being cognizant of the fact that there are also "those who weep" out there, and that maybe our joy is best expressed in a more personal manner than a broadcast over Facebook.

And this just isn't about Valentines' Day. A friend recently posted that she was offered a perfect job in one day. While I was completely excited for her, this made me cringe for mutual friends (and Facebook "Friends") who have been out of work for about a year, and have been applying and applying to no avail. Does that mean Friend 1 shouldn't celebrate? Not at all. But do I think that maybe, that statement might have poked a bit at other Friends' feelings? Yes. Of course not intentionally, but still -- it's going to happen.

Posted By: Anne | February 17, 2011 11:58 AM

Thanks for the ((hugs)), Robyn. I wrote that post just after I read the article. And I do have friends and family members I love, and who love in return. I suppose I should have put the word 'romantic' in, instead of just plain 'no love in my life'. That's always been a problem for me....which is why I can't stand V-Day.

Posted By: Patricia Finnegan | February 17, 2011 12:01 PM

"Are we supposed to pretend that we don't have joy in our lives so that other people don't feel jealous?"

Robyn -- no, not at all! That's exactly what I'm saying. Talking about your love for your husband isn't offensive, and shouldn't be. On the contrary, it's inspiring.

What I'm talking about with the "It's Husband Day! Do you have a wonderful husband too?" kind of posts -- and I elaborated on this in a radio interview yesterday -- is that they throw it back on the reader, who then is left to respond to the question mentally with, "Well, no, I *don't* have a wonderful husband (or son, or daughter, or brother, or whatever)."

Anne summed it up really well in the comment below yours.

Posted By: Gina | February 17, 2011 12:35 PM

This is very good for me to read. Thank you, ladies.

Posted By: Robyn | February 22, 2011 1:58 PM

It is hard, but I never took it as "boasting". Carelessness maybe. I can't believe it was ever a deliberate attempt to hurt my feelings.

When someone is enthusiastic about someone or something they want to share it.

Posted By: jason taylor | December 27, 2011 4:43 PM