Her.meneutics: When Christians Get Divorced

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March 23, 2011

When Christians Get Divorced

A popular Christian blogger recently announced the end of her marriage. How should churches respond to those grieving?

Amy Julia Becker

A popular Christian blogger recently announced that she's getting divorced. She knows all the biblical reasons to stay married, and she understands the far-reaching repercussions when Christians divorce. On her personal blog she writes, “I can see why the Scriptures say God hates divorce. It’s not that he hates either of us (although at times, it’s easy to believe otherwise), but he hates what the brokenness of divorce does to the very souls of a man and his wife. He hates what it does to the people who love them. And even the people who maybe they’ve never met.” But, as she says, her marriage is broken beyond repair. "We, along with others in our lives, have tried desperately to fix it, to bring it back to life, to see a broken covenant redeemed. But the life is gone, and in order to preserve peace and love in our relationship, our marriage needed to end."

She is certainly not alone. Although recent reports indicate that the divorce rate for practicing evangelical Christians is lower than the American average of 50 percent, it still stands at 38 percent. In other words, 5 of 10 marriages in America are likely to fail, and nearly 4 of 10 marriages among practicing evangelicals fail. (Incidentally, 6 of 10 marriages among non-practicing evangelicals [those who don't attend church] fall apart, a statistic that raises its own set of questions.) How should the people of God, both individually and corporately, respond?

Before I was married, it baffled me that anyone who could call themselves a Christian could get divorced. Jesus himself stated God’s ideal for male and female: “They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matt. 19:6). Jesus goes on to say that divorce and remarriage is the equivalent of adultery. Moreover, other biblical passages uphold the sanctity of marriage as a covenant that teaches us about God’s love for the church (see, for example, Eph. 5:21-33). Christians had a responsibility not only to stay married, but to demonstrate through marriage the way God’s love works.

Now I’m married. Happily married. And now I understand why Christians get divorced. There’s the impact of our culture, of course. The divorce rate in American is higher than most other nations, and cultural change has weakened the institution of marriage. As the Pew Research Center recently reported, “millennials” (defined as those between ages 18 and 29) value “being a good parent” as “one of the most important things in life” at a far greater rate than they value “having a successful marriage.” But divorce is nothing new, which is probably why the Bible has so much to say about it. Marriage, in any culture and at any point in history, is hard work.

The first way the church can respond to a divorce rate that mirrors the culture's is to support married people, particularly married people who are struggling. This support often takes the form of accountability, be that in the form of mentors or small groups, and yet accountability requires recognizing the ways good things — often work and children — can in fact cause harm to a marriage.

A wise Christian professor once told me that if he were to go out to dinner with another woman, a handful of faithful Christian men would fly into his hometown to hold him accountable and urge him to remain faithful to his wife. And yet, he said, that same group of men commended him regularly for his scholarly achievements without ever questioning how those achievements impacted his marriage. He was praised for the nights he spent wed to the office. In other words, infidelity can take subtle forms.

But the church must do more than support married people. It must also provide space for the grief of divorce and help restore divorced members to wholeness. As the author herself recently tweeted, "There is a huge opportunity to reach out & grieve with the grieving, be near to the brokenhearted, and encourage the people who've failed."

Jesus not only embodied grace and truth (John 1:14). He also embodied wisdom. He upheld God’s ideal for human flourishing, and he also acknowledged the reality of human sin and suffering. In the aforementioned comments on marriage and divorce, he makes reference to provisions in the Mosaic law for divorce, but he says, “it was not this way from the beginning.” God’s ideal, as expressed in Genesis, is a covenantal and mutually self-giving relationship between a man and a woman. But Jesus also acknowledges the reality of life in a fallen world when he gives provision for divorce “in the case of adultery.”

In addition, biblical prohibitions of divorce often arise in the context of God’s desire to protect women. Take Malachi 2:16, for example: “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect.” Even Jesus’ reflections on divorce in Matthew come in the context of the Pharisees asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" Jesus’ emphatic no not only upholds the sanctity of marriage but also protects vulnerable women from abandonment within a patriarchal culture. Our different cultural context does not mean divorce is desirable or even permissible. Rather, these verses demonstrate that God’s pronouncements about divorce are just as much about protection and care as they are about prohibition.

The church needs to follow Jesus’ lead in both upholding the sanctity of marriage and offering understanding and hope for those in the midst of divorce. Divorce demonstrates the fallen nature of the world. The Christian response to such fallenness ought to be a demonstration of God’s love — and his power to restore.

Comments

I don't know if this is a state wide program or a local program but something called "We Vow Now" has been popping up all over the place with commercials (starting a few years ago) to billboards (that I've only recently seen) and the billboards are awesome and eye-opening - such as simply stating the fact of how much divorce costs taxpayers (I don't recall the sum) etc.... and when I see them I mourn the fact that these programs weren't in place ten years ago. I'm fearful that we've waited too long in helping to support marriages (but I'm single and in a small church, so what do I know? :D)

I remember when my parents got divorced my mom and I had to find a new church (my father was quite guilty of many things - yet because he was the man he could do whatever he wanted... *RME*) and several years later my Sunday school teacher (at the new church) had the gall to say it was my mother's fault for my parents divorced (thankfully I was a teen and just labelled him as "stupid" since he didn't have all the facts) and I don't even want to know what other issues my poor mother had to deal with. But that was all 20 years ago and most people's attitudes have changed, or so I hope.

This is one of those topics where there are no clear cut answers. We need to look at each marriage (and divorce) individually and do all that can be done for those two people.

While extricating myself from a doomed (and very short) marriage, my godly mother spoke wisdom to me that I have never forgotten. She told me "God is much more interested in his children than in his metaphors...more in love with his people than his programs." If one of his metaphors is destroying one of his children, what position do we suppose he'll take?

My husband and I have both been married before, and we facilitate a support group at our church called "Divorce Care". The material is GREAT!! It is all written from a Biblical perspecitve and goes to the Bible as its resource. It is designed to be a 13 week program/Bible study and has helped thousands of people recover from divorce.

I think Divorce should be considered on a individual basis. A person can divorce over emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. Which I believe is the right thing to do. But when we get into divorced that are, lets say, convenient, thats a different story. I was divorced from my wife for a year, the Lord brought us back together. From that point we both decied that marriage is for life. I think people do not hold marriage a sacred than in years passed and we need to emphasize the life long commitment behind marriage.

When did it become a good idea to divorce because "The life is gone.."? Just askin'.

As a divorced man, who let my unbelieving wife go, God has held me accountable to keep and uphold my wedding vows even after 7 years of separation, while my heart remains soft hoping for reconciliation of my wife first with God and then the restoration of my marriage and our family. The Bible teaching is very clear, do not be unequally yoked, what fellowship does light have with darkness?? And any man who marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery, so the only alternatives are to wait on God, being happily (at peace) single, or wait for the death of the adulterous one, that frees the widow(er) to remarry. God's word is also clear, the two shall become one flesh, let no man tear it asunder. Only God through taking one spouse home can end a "marriage" freeing the other to remarry, otherwise, the hopeful one needs to wait for an eventual reconciliation as the book of Hosea teaches, in what God asked Hosea to go through, so Hosea "would understand" how God felt when adulterous Israel went after other gods.

What is weird is, that how few Christian men (or women) there are, who when divorced for biblical reasons wait for reconciliation, but they rely on unbiblical teaching that goes way back to the Westminster confession of faith that gives "permission" for the "innocent" spouse to treat the other as "dead", and then they can remarry. Biblically, remarriage to another is only acceptable for widow(er)s.

For many women who are the "innocent" one in divorces, most I have observed who are Christians, married either a nonchristian or someone who "converted" to marry them, instead of looking for a Christian man solid in his faith to lead her new family, so now they end up divorced with the adulterous husband exposed for the duplicitous pretender he always was. Does she have a right to remarry another while he is still alive? Hardly, the Bible tells her to either remain single or reconcile.

In case you wonder what scripture I rely on: Mark 10, I Corinthians 7, Hosea (the whole book), and many other portions (Ephesians 5:22-31, etc.)

So I am patiently waiting on God to restore my marriage after my sinful wife who had a pretense of being a committed Christian when I met her, to repent have her heart restored, and desire to submit to God for real, and commit her life to His service, and then she can do Ephesians 5:22-24, while I do my part of Ephesians 5:25ff, and have our relationship last for the rest of our earthly lives, or I need to wait for God to end her life (as God's word clearly says the penalty for adultery should be), so I may then be free to be united with a fellow widow who would love to spend the rest of our lives serving God together.

Gene Douglass

What all of you who write here fail to understand is that the divorce laws of most states are "No Fault" so that if one partner wants a divorce, the divorce will happen. And, usually, the "injured" party gets nothing while the aggressor takes all. It even happened this way in a situation I know where a high school teacher had an affair with and married one of her students, who was much younger than her own children. She and her spouse are fine, "upstanding" church members, but the husband was demoted from his tenured position teaching at a Christian college where divorce is against the rules.

Too many Christians are proud of their happy marriages of under 35 years and believe that they are immune from divorce. The deaths and other heartaches that come as one grows older trigger too many affairs and divorces after long marriages (35 years plus)today, but the church seems unconcerned.
And you young women who have endless opportunities ignore the fact that we women over 65 had very few opportunities to engage in careers that would give us a decent retirement of our own, so when we are not attractive enough to keep our man, he is able to capture all of the retirement money and the other assets (House, royalties, etc) we worked together to acquire, and we get our own Social Security, which is almost always lower than his, or we get half of his. Think about whether or not you can live on $632 per month before you say I am wrong.

It bothers me when people state the statistic incorrectly. It is not that fifty percent of marriages fail. And it is not even close to five out of ten marriages in America fail. It was true that staticians projected that based on current trends, that fifty percent of new marriages would fail. That was considered to be a defensible projection based on trends in 1981. The divorce trends have declined since then such that it is now projected that closer to 40 percent of new marriages will fail. Google Scott Stanley a credible marital statistician to understand further what the statistics actually are and say.

@Ruth--I hear what you're saying. I have seen women lose virtually everything in a divorce, and my heart aches to see it. I don't think that everyone in the church is ignoring the numerous long marriages that end; I know people who are concerned and desire to help.

I think this is one place where the church can show God's love to the divorced. A divorced person (especially an older woman with no income or a single parent) needs special support from God's people. That might involve financial support, training for a career, help with children who desperately need a father or mother figure, help if there are physical disabilities, etc.

It probably should be taken on a case-by-case basis; one older woman might not need financial assistance, another may need help learning how to handle finances wisely, another might need a great deal of help to supplement their $632 a month.

If I can add one thing more to the discussion: We need to emphasize the life-long commitment aspect of marriage. But that also means that getting engaged should be taken more seriously. Once the ring is on the finger and the wedding preparations start, it's really difficult to call off an engagement when it's evident the couple shouldn't marry. (Think about how expensive it is to break a legal contract with a photographer, caterer, etc.) Maybe we need "pre-engagement" counseling as well as "premarital" counseling.

Oh, and thank you, Amy Julia, for handling a sticky, often explosive issue with grace, compassion and tact.

Laura - its for THAT reason that if I ever get to the point where I am going to marry a man I would insist on pre-marital counseling before the engagement.

I was a child of divorce back in 1948, before I was born. My mom was a school teacher and endured gossip from many a Christian in our small town.
When I grew older, became active in the church, I became the "pet" of these same people, they fawned over me, but my mother never forgot.
She was divorced because my father wanted to abort me. I don't believe she ever told anyone of those Christians the story.
I grew up without any pattern of marriage, and have been married for over 30 very difficult years. Our commitment was the ONLY thing holding us together much of the time,and it was all we needed. Also, much of that time, God was my only source of happiness, and He was great!
We are just now beginning to understand what was wrong, and are making headway.
I wish younger people could overcome their first "few" decades, (not saying put up with abuse...)and learn to persevere.
But, I know that it required both of us to have the same level of commitment.
It's definitely worth it.

Compassion for the divorced is one thing, but make sure that doesn't translate into condoning unbiblical divorce, which (for the record) is divorce for anything other than adultery. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc. all call for SEPARATION, perhaps even for years, but not divorce. How do we know when God will change someone's heart and restore a marriag? Who are we to put an expiration date on a relationship that God has sealed for life?

Americans regard divorce as euthanasia. If our marriage is too hard or too painful to continue, we might as well put ourselves out of our misery, right? WRONG.

Read your Bibles, people. Jesus died for all of our sins, including unbiblical divorce. Of course we ought to grieve with those who grieve, especially the innocent children of divorce. But there's no reason for the Christian church to condone it or pretend God feels anything but hatred for divorce as the selfish act it is. We can't pretend it's anything more than an escape route from the tough, lifelong, promise-keeping, committed love we are called to practice in Christian marriage "til death do us part."

"Respond to those grieving" is a nice if not dishonest way way to say "deal with divorce." Depends. Is the divorce biblical? (in whatever context the couple was committed) If, not they should be challenged for disobedience and rejecting God's word. Is it actually separation, which should have probably been sanctioned by the church in the context of Matt. 18? Do the couple plan to stay single or remarry? If the church takes its cues from the culture at large as to how to "Respond to those grieving" it does so at its peril. Don't know Ms. Jackson's actual context, since it was brought up as an example, so it is hard to say. Her stated reason however does not stand up as righteous.

Compassion is so important in these kinds of situations. Amy's article is very well written. Thank you Amy. I read Anne Jackson's blog on her divorce and it was heartbreaking. And I agree with her that the reason God hates divorce is because of what it does to His people and all those who affected and those who are watching it from a distance. God is for relationship. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His Faithfulness.

The pain of this is so far reaching as Anne Jackson has said. I agree with Gregg above, the importance of making a decision to get married needs to be given more weight. I work with college students and am often asked if there is "one right person" - a "soul mate". The response I formed over the years has been that the one person for you is the one you marry, so choose wisely. In otherwords, he doesn't intend for you to have 2 or 3 chances at it in case you missed the first time. And making sure they understand the tv and movie representations of romance etc. are not real. We need to be teaching about marriage throughout a child's life in the church - especially those in broken homes.

A few people have brought up the idea of "separation" as opposed to "divorce." Is there a way to legally separate so that the people are not responsible for each other's debts?

In my state, I don't believe there is. Thus it doesn't matter how long the separation is or the circumstances of it, if one person dies, the other is responsible for any debt that person incurred. I'm sure you can see how that could easily lead to someone being financially devastated in the event of the other's death.

Obviously, debt/financial concerns aren't a good reason to divorce, but it's something to consider in the event that one partner leaves and doesn't set the divorce proceedings in motion. Personally, I think if this does happen, and a Christian is wiped out financially, the church needs to consider how to help care for those affected. (Obviously, this depends on circumstances.)

Another question: Do Biblical reasons for divorce include physical or sexual abuse of the marriage partner and/or children?

General question for the blog administrators: Is there a way to sign up to receive follow-up comments via email?

I agree with Laura - I would love to get notifications of comments! :D

I have a thought - Jesus said very specifically that if a man lusts after a woman he has committed adultery. Therefore if you take that verse and compare it to when folks can get divorced it means that anyone can Biblically get divorced (I don't know of a single man who has never lusted over a woman not his wife (and for that matter I highly doubt there is a single woman who hasn't lusted over a man not her husband).

If a man is sexually abusing his children - he is lusting after them. He has Biblical grounds for divorce.

If a man is beating his wife there stands a good chance that he's engaging in behaviors like pornography - that is lust - that is Biblical grounds for divorce.

Now obviously I'm not saying that Jesus is condoning rampant divorce - not at all - but that we need to realize that it is first and foremost a _heart_ matter and too often people try to make it into a legal matter.

Why is the Church straining at the gnat of homosexual marriage and swallowing the camel of christian divorce? Or, to use another of Jesus's comparisons, we are all stirred up about this speck in someone else's eye (gay marriage will probably never be more than 1% of all marriages) while we have this telephone pole (millions of christians getting divorced every year) sticking out of our own eye. Who are we to get all self-righteous about the family when our record isn't all that great? Shouldn't we follow Jesus's teaching and take care of our own shortcomings before we even think about the problems of others? Shouldn't we be a lot more humble here?

John Waters pointed out that if people were really concerned about the family, instead of outlawing gay marriage they should try to outlaw heterosexual divorce. I do not think that is the answer, but you have to admit he had a very good point.

I think as believers our focus may need to change in our view of marriage. Most ministries I have been a part of focus on preventing divorce rather than preparing people for marriage. We teach our youth from a young age (either intentionally or unintentionally) that the "prize" for their life is marriage. That there is one perfect person out there for them and once found they will live happily ever after. This is not the case. Marriage is extremely diffcult. I wish as a body of believers we could greater equip individuals to be come Godly mates first before we are in relationships.

I've been married and divorced and one of my greatest regrets was believing that I was stepping into a fantasy and not fully realizing the great responsibility I had taken

I found Anne Jackson's words to be both humble and honest. It's not my place to pronounce judgement on her and her husband's choices. No one knows what goes on in a relationship except the two who are in it. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

By the same token, we should not condone homosexuality just because we, as a church, struggle with the issue of divorce. It is one thing as an individual, to consider the "beam" in our own eye, it is another to endorse sin just because we are all sinners.

There are two issues here--how we treat sin and how we treat fellow sinners. We love the sinner, but hate the sin. Being loving towards those who are divorced, does not preclude pointing out that God hates it. Same with homosexuality.

Thanks CT for allowing discussion of a very difficult topic for the church.

We need to all be mindful of becoming or being legalistic Christians, especially when it comes to divorce. God gives us His Word though Scripture and He also speaks to us through our personal relationship with him. I am in the process of divorce from a Christian man who is emotionally, verbally, and religiously abusive-someone who needs help but refuses to get it. It took a long time for me to accept God's grace in releasing me from my marriage but he has confirmed each and every time I have asked "but isn't divorce wrong". In my case, separation without divorce did not stop the abuse and in certain ways made it worse. When Christians try to dictate who can and cannot get divorced, real damage can be done to an already torn person who may be hearing something different from God. The issue for each Christian is quite personal and is really a conversation between the person considering separation and/or divorce and our gracious and merciful Lord. Believe me, I don't take divorce lightly and am mourning the loss of my marriage and what it means for my precious daughter. I do know that God does not expect me or anyone else to be a martyr for marriage if that means emotional, physical, and/or spiritual damage to the point that one can't function as a whole person to serve Him and others, including raising affected children. Be the Body of Christ, don't judge it.

I've been attending evangelical churches for 33 years. Every church I've attended or been a member of has some sort of mult-week program for anyone wanting to get married at the church. These multi-week counseling courses are pre-requisities for marriage.

Apparently all this counseling the church does - does not work! Maybe the church needs to re-think the content of these courses.

I know Jesus has the answers for everything. But the church does not, and needs to stop pretending it (church) is the expert on all subjects. These church mandated courses are not working.

I'm not legalistic nor judgemental and in fact dealt with an unfaithful Christian wife who called it quits. So I know about what she's about to go through. I've bought but never finished two of her books and note a pattern of her general critical of churches and wondered if she was helpful. I have ways to see numbers and she's not had big success.

If you intends on being a writer maybe she can be more useful by being more helpful rather than pointing out where churches come up short. In a world where many like to write and vent maybe Nelson,her publisher, can help her see value in not writing a while. For me, while I wish her all the best, as a Christian writer, for now, she's lost some impact and testimony but I'm sure she'll find a new outlet helping women cope and grow and learn sooner but she and her husband didn't.

Laura's comments about indebtedness and separation are pertinent. A woman in my mother's Sunday School class divorced her husband who was verbally abusive and took advantage of her financially, including taking out debts in her name without telling her about them. For her, the divorce was a painful, but necessary, step for her own financial safety. He died of cancer a couple of years later, and she was relieved that she could not be held responsible for any of his financial obligations.

I understand that the Bible has strong injunctions on the subject of marriage, but I'm not convinced that we are called to enable sin by being passive victims of it. Surely, turning the other cheek doesn't mean that. And separation doesn't automatically grant safety. An abused wife needs to give her abuser final notice that he has NO power over her, and that requires a divorce.

Wow...interesting to stumble on this today.

To provide context to the "dangling" sentence used above, I advise people to read the full post or at least this:

Please trust me when I say we have not taken lightly the many consequences the decision of a divorce brings, and without any further explanation than this, I will simply say that our marriage was broken. It’s odd to type that, as if a marriage is a toy or a gadget that just “breaks.” But because it is layered with so many things, that’s the only word I can find to describe our circumstances.

We, along with others in our lives, have tried desperately to fix it, to bring it back to life, to see a broken covenant redeemed. But the life is gone, and in order to preserve peace and love in our relationship, our marriage needed to end.

The "life is gone" doesn't mean "life" as in "happiness"...it means the covenant of marriage has died (which is implied in the FULL context of my original post). The details of which we are not sharing with the public. But just wanted to clarify that since I wasn't originally contacted about this piece and it wasn't fully explained in the way I had written it on my website.

Thank you.

This is an excellent article and commentary. It's a good encouragement for us to come around those who are hurting because of the pain of divorce.

However, does that not include Anne herself? The quotes you've chosen point to her own hurt and pain. Why add more?

Like a thief's cutting torch on a bank vault lock is the "exception clause" (Matthew 19:9) on the bond of holy matrimony.

In broken relationships -- through divorce or parting-of-ways -- children always hurt most.

Christ have mercy upon us.

Divorce is painful. Why do we, as Christians, think it's our job to judge others? Why do we heap pain on top of the already broken? To me, that's not showing God's love. What happens in anyone's life is ultimately between them and God. Why do we insist on getting in the way?

Divorce isn't always entered into lightly. Sometimes, things happen. We're human. We don't know what happens in a marriage - only those involved (and God) can ever know.

Removing 'membership from a church' because someone is divorced is a concept I find hard to understand. I wonder if Jesus would do the same thing, deem us unworthy of worshipping alongside fellow believers because we have 'sinned'. If that's the case, what are any of us doing in church? What makes us better?

"If a man is beating his wife there stands a good chance that he's engaging in behaviors like pornography - that is lust - that is Biblical grounds for divorce."
Right, because violently attacking your wife is no big deal and she'd have no right to divorce her attacker for such a minor infraction; but looking at pictures of naked people -- now, that's a major crime and it's so serious that God allows divorce for it and you know how God hates divorce. So, if you're a woman and you live in fear of a husband who violently attacks and beats you and your children, you better hope that you can work the pornography angle in there, because otherwise God doesn't think your situation meets the criteria for divorce.

If the two actually believed in God's words and Grace, why can't they by the same fix the marriage rather than get divorced. His Grace is sufficient.

Kathleen - pay attention to what I was saying, please, and don't just take one piece out of context. I was remarking to those who were talking about how if a man was beating his wife his wife still had no Biblical reason to divorce her husband and that the best she could do was separate from him. I, like you obviously do, think that is absurd so I was giving them a Biblical reason to divorce.

My comment was *highly* satirical.

In re-reading my earlier comment I realized I failed to point out who I was addressing to make it easier to see that I was being satirical.

I was.

See it bothered me the folks who were saying that the folks should get separated instead of divorced for several reasons.

According to the Biblical model my mother had a Biblical right to divorce my father. He was committing sexual acts with another person (he was sexually abusing me)...but the pastor of the church we belonged to basically believed that a man had the right to do whatever he wanted to with his own family and so we were the ones that had to leave that church. (this would also be why when I was a teen and my Sunday school teacher said it was my mother's fault for my parents' divorce that in my head I just labelled him as stupid instead of letting it affect me - and no, as an adult I don't label people as stupid now but I was a teen at the time.... :D)

However, according to those folks above - if my father had been, instead, beating me they should have separated. Just like someone mentioned above about debts - there would have been no legal reason my father couldn't have just taken me if they had been separated. It would have only been through a divorce that my mother could legally protect the two of us.

Again, one of the biggest issues I see is people lumping _all_ divorces in the same category. As there are as many marriages are there probably reasons for divorces. Are all of them Biblical? No - not at all.

Thank you, all, for sharing your thoughts on this important topic for today's church. As the blog editor, I wanted to respond to Anne Jackson's and others' concerns that Amy Julia Becker quoted from Anne's personal blog post. We felt that it was appropriate to open this conversation by starting with Anne's story, because it gets at the complexity and brokenness of divorce, and because Anne was willing to go public with that complexity and brokenness on her own blog. Amy Julia took on this topic not to editorialize one way or the other on Anne's decision, but to offer mature Christians biblical and grace-full ways to respond to divorce in their midst. Personally, I believe Amy Julia handled Anne's personal story with care and sensitivity and appropriate boundaries, and that she was clearly addressing the topic of divorce, not Anne's decision.

Thank you,
Katelyn Beaty

Probably should have let her know beforehand at least. It's a sensitive thing. To stumble on it accidentally in such a delicate and fragile time must have been difficult for her. While the article is objective, the comments are not all so much...and I agree with Anne that the way that last sentence dangles implies something other than she intended. It would have been considerate to at least let her know you were going to do this.

The author claims that "biblical prohibitions of divorce often arise in the context of God’s desire to protect women".

This is a dubious claim at best. One has to seriously question how well women are protected by a religious law that forbids them to divorce a man who physically attacks them or their children. The Bible allows a marriage to be dissolved over a one-night stand, but doesn't allow a woman to divorce a man who beats or rapes her and her children? Something is very, very wrong with that picture -- and with an ancient religious code that apparently hyperventilated over things that are not even crimes today while having nothing to say about the most violent and reprehensible crimes committed within the home.

If a writer had to make time to contact every person she was going to write about, she'd never get anything done.

Posting about something publicly means people are going to talk about it. That's a given. And this post barely even touches on Ms. Jackson's post; it's really about the topic of Christianity and divorce in general. I don't see a problem here.

When a pub like this has worked with Anne in the past not only here but in their other publications, as well as her publishers, that is a relationship. It's only considerate given how soon all this has been. A simple email to even say it was going up probably would have sufficed. Anne seemed surprised by this.

In 2005 I wrote and published a book entitled, "Divorce Hurts Even at Church." My intended title was "Divorce Hurts Worse at Church," but the publisher changed the title because he thought it was too strong. From some of the comments on this article, can you see why it hurts worse at church? As Christians we so often wound each other and then shoot our wounded. Lord, forgive us.

I find it incredibly cruel and discouraging when Christians choose to broadcast their decision to divorce while withholding the reason for the divorce.

I, like God, hate divorce. Please don't tell me about it unless you're willing to provide clear biblical reasons for your divorce.

If your reason to divorce is consistent with Christ's teachings on divorce, why are you hiding your reason for divorcing?

But if your reason for divorcing is contrary to Christ's teachings on divorce,as professing Christians, you ought to be too ashamed to broadcast it.

i am sad to say that a church pastor was behind my divorce. it happened when shortly after my marriage i lost job which put pressure on my marriage. i had to leave canada to work in UAE, causing our seperation. thereafter, feeling angery i backslid and start to drinking heavily and started sleeping around. 2 years later i was delivered and restored to lord. i got message from prophetess, who didnt know anything about me. she told me many of my past life secrets and message to go back to wife and children. when i went back with lords maessage, pastor told my wife not to return. so i stayed faithful to lord and waited 3 years. afterward, i remarried a catholic ...not saved...now after 5 years of marriage, my exwife wants me tp divorce my current wife and return....

Although I do not believe most of the statistics I read on marriage, I am of the view that believers in Jesus Christ, by seeking and obtaining divorces at a rate close to that of non-believers, are not only setiing a bad example but sending some very erroneous signals to their communities about the strength and value of Christian faith.

If you tell me that you have a loving, all-powerful God, with whom "nothing is impossible", who not only brings people together but "joins" them as man and wife, and who is able to keep them together in a loving, permanent union through his unfailing grace, then my question would be, then why are so many of the marriages of those who believe in this God failing so disastrously?

Did God really unite the two people who could not stay together for more than five years? Or who split up after being married for over thirty years? Where is this all-powerful God when "His" people are experiencing marital challenges so awful as to lead almost inevitably to divorce?

Can believers in Christ not see that at some time in the near future, if it has not already occurred, the Christian Church will have an extremely difficult time convincing non-believers that there is any real value to Christian marriage, or Christian faith, since the God of Christianity seems not to be there when his married children need him?

The saddest part of all of this is that if the bulk of these divorces are not just for convenience, but are sought because of partner or child abuse, adultery or addiction of one kind or another, then that tells us that not only is Christian marriage in trouble but Christian faith itself is in crisis.

How can you call someone a Christian who regularly beats their partner or is unable to remain faithful to that partner? What is "Christian" about a person who is continually neglectful, direspectful, dismissive and in other ways abusive of someone they have vowed to love "'till death do us part"? And how does the "church" expect the non-believing part of the community to buy into that kind of Christianity?

Divorce, and all the problems that go along with it, has left the Church of Jesus Christ in a terrible dilemna. Add to this the child sex-abuse scandals of another part of the body, and it is not hard to see why those of us who still believe in the permanence of marriage and the sanctity of sex are forced to hang our heads in collective shame.

Welcome to the brokenness of the world, people.

You are a part of it too.

Welcome to the brokenness of the world, people.

You are a part of it too.

I had to look this up to be sure. The KJV and ASV don't say that God hates divorce. It says that God hates putting away, which is a totally different concept. God himself divorced Israel. The phrase "putting away" was changed to divorce in the 1970's with the creatation of the NIV.

I have found a lot of help in David Instone-Brewer's book "Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible." I recommend prayerfully studying the Scriptures in light of his insights. I no longer believe God gives no permanent solution to victims of abuse, abandonment or neglect.

http://www.divorce-remarriage.com/

I'm glad that you found a book that can help you sort through this issue. I've felt the same way that there should be a better solution for victims of abuse.
What I found is this is one issue that the church gets wrong, divorce is allowed in the Bible. The verses that Christians typically use to say a person can't get divorced are actually translated "putting away." God does hate this.

When my wife chose to leave our marriage of 18 years I felt such betrayal,anger, and wondered how God could let it happen. Had it not been for DivorceCare.org I would not be healed, whole and forgiving to those who hurt me so. Like a hospital, a local church can be a refuge when in crisis, and this one church in my town offered the 13-week, video based seminar so I went and it's biblical approach helped me on my journey with God's help and perspective. I didn't want this divorce. But there was hope when it happened. I encourage others to find a local group in their city. Be healed not bitter. God cares.

I know this is a very controversial topic that the Christian Church is very passionate about. It almost appears to me that the "passion" shown in people's position are stronger than the passion that we are commanded to have for the people. Don't forget the law, which is summed up in the first, Love God and love your neighbor...No one is above the law, we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

This is the very reason why Christ came. By God's grace He has provided a way for us to be reconciled to the Father. We also must bestow the same grace upon our "neighbor" (which is all of us) so that they can be restored into fellowship with God the Father through Christ His Son.

Remember that we will all be judged according to the same measure we judge others.

If we judge others, we are guilty of sin that is no less than divorce itself. The world is watching. What is it that they see. I hope it is love of God and love for our neighbor.

"Just to make things clear for some, my church has removed from membership a couple who got divorced for reasons that are not biblical. I attended another church in this area that did the same thing. I have never seen this happen to a practicing homosexual, but I'm sure that they would."

Reminds me of that parable Jesus told about the man that was forgiven much only to turn right around and send his neighbor to prison for a relatively insignificant debt.

I suspect that there were more than a few people in your church who perhaps suspected or maybe even knew firsthand that this was a troubled marriage well before the divorce and then stood by because it was "none of their business" or they "didn't have all the facts." This too is very unbiblical.

"When they kept on questioning Him, He straightened up and said to them, 'If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.' At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time ..."
- John 8:7, 9.

FYI, the people received many, many counseling sessions from the pastors at the church, who are trained in counseling. I get so sick of the Pharassees finding fault in every little thing, when they know nothing. The point was that the church handles church discipline, and not just when it comes to homosexuality. In 1Cor chapter 5 Paul scolded the church for not handling church discipline, but somehow I get the idea you'd fault Paul.

Malta and the Philippines are appaently the only two countries where Divorce is not legally recognised. However, a private member's Bill is in Parliament now proposing Divrce for couples whose marriage has broken down for 4 years and is irreparable. A Referendum will be held in May 2011 to test the general public's view.The proponents call it 'responsible divorce'. There are two large lobbies for and against. The Anti-Divorce movement is seeking to propound arguments against that are not necessarily religion-based. The Catholic Churchin Malta is of course Aagainst, but is careful to explain its reasons whilst leaving the faithful to vote as per their Conscience.

My wife is divorcing me after 19 years.

Two years ago I received Christ (my wife received Christ a year or so into our marriage) and when my wife confronted me about my faithfulness during our marriage, I, like Apostle Peter, made a denial.

A week later I confessed that I had a brief stand 14 years prior at a time we had been separated (mostly due to some financial irresponsibility).

She was understandably hurt. Since then she's lashed out in anger at me in various ways, belittling me as husband/father, although that had gone on even before my confession, but the remarks sting more now that I've become a Christian.

She says she's forgiven me, yet still wants to proceed with the divorce. Her own church leader has expressed in his belief, that marital unfaithfulness that Matt 5:32 describes, is of a recurrent theme, without repentance, which it has not been, but my wife wants out nonetheless.

She's wanted it since my confession two years ago, but after dealing with her ailing father who succumbed last summer, she then proceeded with the paperwork.

We attend the same organized church, though in different cities. My wife left with our 3 children and moved to another state in 2006. Though things ran hot and cold between us during this time, I could not find adequate work where she is which is why I remain where I am. But for the sake of our marriage I've told her I'd drop everything if it means and come, but she doesn't respond.

My wife is very involved in her church. The folks see her every week, with kids in tow; she's friendly, amiable, magnetic personality. Her husband is someone they see when he's in town, not the most sociable person, but I'm not unfriendly.

Few months ago, I sought the help of a couple in leadership at her church. Explained what was happening in our marriage. They insisted I come and they agreed to talk with us.

At the last minute they changed their minds giving me no rhyme or reason; this after I purchased air fare, rented a car and hotel room. I was hurt by their un-Christian-like behavior, yet these are some of the people my wife is confidantes with.

Her perspective is she's telling people the "truth," her 3 or 4 close friends, yet I'm "lying" to people, my confidantes, who want nothing but the best for my marriage.

Somehow, I don't seem to have a viewpoint worth sharing although I have gone to a multitude to try to make sense and understand what has been going on. I've tried to impress upon her that Satan has wreaked havoc with our relationship, yet, she'd rather just give me the credit.

After reading Love and Respect, I saw how much the dynamics we had toward each other had effected us negatively. She said she read a few pages but wasn't interested in reading further because she's "read all the marriage books and relationship books.

This was the ONE book that opened my eyes and gave me the "A-ha" moment. It got to the craw of what I felt we had gone through; why I couldn't articulate things and sometimes acted out in ways that wasn't "mature."

I love my wife dearly. I love our children dearly, yet I feel my wife has helped to create a schism between me and the kids although she would deny it.

There are so many things she has said and done to hurt me, this especially since my being saved. Maybe she's lashed out because of being hurt by my violation.

She says she wants us to be friends. How can I feel friendly with such a hostile act as divorce taking place? My kids will never see their parents responding with love and affection in the same household. They'll never see their parents overcoming hardship together.

One incident that happened two and 1/2 years ago with my wife is baffling. In relation to my infidelity which was wholly wrong, however one looks at it, my wife went out on a "date" with someone she was apparently having feelings for. She called me the same night, sounding very remorseful and repentant and wanting to work on our marriage.

I accepted and never brought it up. I understand the dynamics of people being away from each other for extended periods and relationships not being rock solid or just a weakened moment. I get it. I understand.

My wife has always been an admitted self-righteous individual, yet my violation occurred when I wasn't a Christian, her "indiscretion" occurred while she was. I forgave her. No questions asked. So now, at a time when we're both Christians she can't find it in her heart to forgive me and move forward in a loving Christian marriage?

She's told me that was the one thing (my being faithful) that she held onto with all that has gone on in our marriage. Now, maybe she feels she's gone too far by having her friends/confidantes know she's been misled for all these years. I don't know.

Did she want the truth or an excuse? Some Christian friends said they would have held off on telling the truth or wait until the relationship got stronger. I don't know, I just wanted to do what I thought was right by my wife. Start a new chapter of openness and honesty.
Doesn't 1 Corinthians 13:5 mention love not keeping "records of wrongs" yet these are things my wife brings up about the past which is why I believe she wants to use Matt 5:32's "marital unfaithfulness" as her loophole to get out.

But as she's basically acknowledged to me, she's gone to the "right" people, sought the "right" advice and "right" input. She's prayed and fasted about her decision. Wow. So whatever issues we've faced, God is unable to right the ship?

Me, I'm just lying to people to make her look bad. I never thought my loving Christian spouse would become this hardened person. So instead of going to counseling to air out whatever issues are and have been bothering us, she'd rather terminate the marriage and go with the belief that I'm the sole cause of it.

A few of the previous responses on this topic are very thought-provoking to me.

The person who mentioned DivorceCare.org. Yes, I too, feel anger, betrayal, as I'm sure my wife may have with my confession.

Kathleen says "If the two actually believed in God's words and Grace, why can't they by the same fix the marriage rather than get divorced." I believe this wholeheartedly.
----
Roy's post which is similar to Kathleens--

"Although I do not believe most of the statistics I read on marriage, I am of the view that believers in Jesus Christ, by seeking and obtaining divorces at a rate close to that of non-believers, are not only setiing a bad example but sending some very erroneous signals to their communities about the strength and value of Christian faith.

----
And lastly, what hurts most, and what I've tried to convey to my wife about us becoming another statistic, is the comment by Steve--

"Welcome to the brokenness of the world, people. You are a part of it."

----

In closing, maybe some of you have witnessed this phenomena. I've heard stories of other husbands whose wives were long-time Christians. When the husbands later came to Christ, the wives left/dissolved the marriages for whatever reasons. Why would one leave when, I would think, it's the most wonderful time when husband and wife are finally getting on the same spiritual page?

I'm going to send this site to my wife in hope's she'll read the posts here as I've pointed her to other forums.

I apologize for miscrediting some of you with your statements in my previous post.

I believe that everyone especially christians should "Stand" for their marriage. God tells us in Malachi that He hates divorce. Remember God can resurrect what is dead. He has given us the power to pray for the restoration of our marriage. Leave it in God's hands and you will see Him do miracles in your marriage. When we got married, we made a covenant with God. Covenants can't be broken. Remember the devil came to destroy. Through prayer and fasting God can restore our marriage. I found an awesome website: rejoiceministries.org

How sad when two people, who in the beginning loved each other, divorce. They share many memories and more than likely have children. Their children, we've been told, would rather have two fighting parents than divorced parents. Yet, divorce happens just the same. Hearts are broken but life must go on. We know God instituted marriage. We also know He gives us free will. Sometimes
mistakes are made and sins committed with drastic consequences. We know we are supposed to have forgiving hearts but there are some instances where a spouse continues on in sin with no repentance and the injured spouse has the hard decision to make...continue allowing such behavior or choose divorce. The sin of adultery is given as a reason for divorce. Again, a spouse may choose to forgive and not divorce. Second chances are granted. In all of this, divorce is not the unpardonable sin. And all sin can be repented of and those involved can receive forgiveness. GOD is the JUDGE. He will not have us sit in judgement with Him ever. Our part is to pray for those who are wounded in these cases. Our part is to love and not condemn.

This is an interesting topic; one the church needs to address. I am in a situation of separation since some 9 months now. NEVER did I believe that I would be in such a situation. Living with abuse, physical to your children & yourself, mental abuse of constant downputtings & the deep mental anguish that goes with this ... is this what God demands a wife & mother & her children to suffer . There are NO easy answers , I realize, but I do believe that the scriptures have much to say ... IF the Word of God is rightly divided. My husband would not seek any form of counselling with me & so after living in fear for many years I found the courage to go & find shelter. Abuse is not to be tolerated & is a breaking of one's Covenant vows. A husband who uses physical, verbal, emotional, psychological abuse abandons his covenant responsililities. In my case, I believed that" love covered & did not exppose" ; so I remained silent for many years. In hindsight, a great teacher, I have caused much emotional damage to my girls. I have had to repent of allowing this situation to have continued ; but not knowing what to do I stayed. In that situation one always hopes that this will be the last time , & prays for the situation never to return. Then , in a few more months when it arises again , you go through so much heart searching asking , "What can I do to have this not happen again?"Prayer becomes your closest companion. You long for a closer relationship & a godly family home ... but the reality is far different. God's grace seems to be spurned , gratitude for ALL of His mercies seem not to be appreciated & so your heart breaks inside I you cry out to Him for help. Because of your deep belief in "marriage" as a covenant for life you keep on , even at the deep scarring of your children. These scars are deep, and only by the grace of God can they be healed. So for those reading, I ask you all to be compassionate to those who are walking a pathway that you think is so " Un biblical" , just show true love , and always know that there go you , BUT for the grace of God.

@Connie Jackson and her husband did not have children.

"Posted By: Anne Jackson | March 28, 2011 9:39 AM
I had to look this up to be sure. The KJV and ASV don't say that God hates divorce. It says that God hates putting away, which is a totally different concept. God himself divorced Israel. The phrase "putting away" was changed to divorce in the 1970's with the creatation of the NIV."
---------------------------------------------
Anne, please see "W. E. Vine's, An Expository Dictionary Of Biblical Words", on your post I pasted above. It is used as a Noun(APOSTASION) & Verb (APOLUO). It doesn't matter how you use the word(s), it's anti biblical unless there is biblical grounds.
The scriptures are clear that God hates it as it is the ONLY insight of the Divine love here on earth. Remember, Jesus said, "It was because your HEARTS were HARD that Moses wrote you this law." It was a permission, a condition of human weakness & not a part of God desire/will. Remember the "one flesh" concept as it still holds today. I have looked at the other sitesyou have created and I see nothing you have posted as to the "why." I can understand this if it's not a biblical approach but if it's biblical, please say so. Not the "reasons" just that it is grounded in the biblical way. I do not judge you nor your husband. I've been at this gate myself but God intercepted for His Joy. I pray that you'll be comforted and loved. No one can understand unless they've been at the gate or over it. We love you!!

@Anonymous - Anne didn't write that.

Posted By: Maria

@ Anonymous

Anne did not write that.

Maria did.

Posted By: Maria

Anonymous,
Jackson did infer in her article her divorce was Biblical. Please read the full version and not just the "snippet" on here. She says she sought counsel from spiritual leaders, friends and counselors. If there were no biblical grounds for divorce, I doubt they would have supported her in this way.

You do not have all if the information. None of us do but those closest to her (also in the full article). Do not make assumptions and unless you know Jackson personally and closely, you are not entitled to know.

This article feeds the Christian need of self-righteous behavior and stone-throwing. Disappointed in CT's approach to adding kindling to a fire that should have used a general example; not a specific recent person's grief.

@Nobody

I agree, and would like to say it also feeds the gossip mentality of the tabloid newspapers sold at the supermarket checkouts.

Please don't write a book, go on a speaking tour or make a video with the details of your divorce. keep it between youand your former husband.

@Another Nobody,

Amen.

After still trying to convince my wife to giving us a chance to continue our marriage (in detail as I've written above), I have a question in re "marital unfaithfulness."

Is there a statute of limitations on it?

Since my wife tells me she's divorcing me because of it, the incident having occurred 14 years prior, does she in truth have a biblical leg to stand on?

I can understand if I were a habitual violator, but having had a one-time indiscretion, and I don't mean to trivialize what I did by any means, does it still fall under the rubric of marital unfaithfulness?

You talk about women losing it all. The men I work with, even when their wives were drug abusers, they still receive a healthy alimony, the house, and half of a pension. While they may not get custody of the children, they certainly win out financially. It is commonplace in the People's Republic of Massachusetts for men to be lose in court. A lot of non-Christian women know this and coach those who are considering divorce. As for the men, they find long-term relationships afterward, but are more than reluctant to marry.

@Rhymes - I really don't know if any of us can answer that without prejudice. Some would say that the Bible supports that there is no statute of limitations. Others would state that its more of a lifestyle choice - that one act 14 years ago, with a changed heart that it shouldn't make a difference.

Has your wife known about the incident for 14 years? If she only just found out, remember that time doesn't matter - she's feeling the pain, rejection (yes, she's the one that feels rejected), and heart ache as if you just cheated on her last week. Find some good solid Christian friends who you can share all the details with, the advice any of us can give you here will be too one-sided to do any good.

Sympathy is a Christian virtue to be sure, but surely it would be prudent in this case to refrain from sympathizing unreservedly with Anne's decision to divorce--without getting further clarification from her. For a good bit of what she says (in her blog post and a subsequent comment) is contradictory. She allows, for example, that she and her husband have not experienced a "moral failure," but that the marriage covenant has been "broken." How can this be? Marriage is broken only by abandonment or adultery, either of which constitutes a "moral failure." Anne seems also to have developed a new understanding of divorce--through special counseling--and thus seems to allow that the Bible is unclear on the topic, if you're reading it in plain English. "I would encourage you to delve deeply into the Scripture," she writes, "asking for the Spirit to enlighten as you read, consider historical and contextual theology instead of only reading [passages on divorce] and interpreting [them] at our broken, human level." All of which sounds like the very thing Anne says it is not: a justification (albeit circuitous)of the decision to divorce. Yes, let us vigorously support people who have fallen short of the high standard of Christian marriage. But let us also quote the Apostle Paul with equal vigor: "And to the married, I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband." "Broken beyond repair"? How so? What of God, repentance, forgiveness and grace? Are we not offering in their stead the cheap substitute of uncritical sympathy?

Tim:

You do not have all the information. Please do not project your judgement into that which you do not know, and have no right to know.

My "special counselors" know everything. And they are righteous men and women of God, ordained by the church.

Thank you.

Anne,

I am a layman with no claim to special authority in your life. And certainly I do not know the details of your story. But the contradictions in your blog post and subsequent comment are troubling in themselves (as noted above).

I believe that the scriptures on divorce, taken together, are quite plain as to God's intention for marriage--the summary version: I will never leave you or forsake you. This does not disallow the need for careful study of the biblical passages. But with so many folks these days (even leaders in the church) contextualizing the meaning out of any passage that requires simple obedience, I am concerned that you may have been encouraged in the wrong direction.

I say this not because I am a mind reader, but because you seem to be saying that your understanding of divorce has been changed by counseling, the understanding being that one may divorce his spouse legitimately (obediently) for some reason other than abandonment or adultery. Of course this is not, historically, what Christians have understood the scriptures to say. So perhaps a way to clear the air is to be forthright about the new insight(s) you have gained. In short, what are the grounds for divorce in your view? You may answer this without giving the details of your story.

In the Truth,

I cannot explain anything without inferring details in my personal situation.

Please, for the love, let this rest and let me grieve.

I am stepping out and will not be returning to this page.

Thank you.

Anne,

If you are not free to say what you believe about divorce (as you might comment on any biblical doctrine), then you have set up a false dilemma...painted yourself into a corner that does not exist.

Let's say that I believe divorce is legitimate only in cases where a spouse refuses to eat hard-boiled eggs at supper. Does this mean that I am divorcing my wife, or that she has refused to eat eggs? Not at all. It is only a statement of my beliefs.

Thus, if you have gained new insights into divorce, why hide them under a bushel? The truth sets us free. Or as your book title puts it, we are given the permission to speak freely in Christ.

For the love,
Of the Truth,

Thanks again to all for your comments on this topic. The conversation here seems to have drifted away from the central topic of the post into a personal exchange that's best left outside the blogosphere. Please make sure your feedback is responding to Amy Julia Becker's post.

If you would like to read more about divorce and remarriage, Christianity Today has a special section on the topic: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/special/divorce.html.

Thank you,
Katelyn Beaty

I have come upon these comments while on CT.. the most poignant comes from the writer who stayed in a situation that was abusive (mentally, verbally, etc) until finally she knew it was time to move on.
I am currently separated, and official paperwork is filed in the next few months. FOR me to write those words - walk the path God has walked with me -has been the most painful and stretching time.
No one plans such a thing; hindsight is wonderful but unless constructive only shows you all the holes in the fabric of your life. My husband does not know the Lord, or more precisely, understand the transforming power He offers us in order to stand in a marriage when 2 people feel like strangers.
That takes faith and humility and a decision between those 2 people. If one person does not want to take that road then eventually another decision will be made, and as Robbie says, the scars run very deep.
I have 3 children under 10 who have suffered amidst this tormenting psychological warfare and its time for us to live without fear and anxiety.
The Lord always wants the best for us but we all make choices.
My choice is to know His plans for me and my children are for good.
I would implore those believers who may not have experienced this devestation to be compassionate and supportive. We have all of us sinned. One day we might bless others who experience our grief, by our faith in the healing power of a relationship with Jesus

Divorce is a tough issue...even for a pastor. I have known pastors to divorce. What suprises me is that the last two pastors who I know divorced (and they had to step down) was due to their wives "...not wanting to be a pastor's wife anymore..." I know some seminarians who also leave seminary before completion because their wives came them a choice - "me or the ministry!"

The Bible is clear on divorce - it gives us the proper standards: adultery and abandonment. I add abuse because I do not believe God created woman to be a punching bag. Key is biblical discipline which is rarely applied by most churches to marriages. Paul did say we are to submit one to another in Eph. 5:21. What I have learned is that when a Christian spouse seeks to deal with abuse, by using the biblical process of discipline, the abuser will have a choice: repent and seek counseling with a time of separation and prayer; refusal means bringing in the church and advising the victim to seek separation for safety and health sake. The abuser often abandons the marriage as a result. Whether the abuser is a Christian or not, with proper biblical discipline followed the one leaving the marriage is considered similar to an unbeliever. I believe a Christian would repent, seek biblical counsel and do those actions required for restoration.

We all rush to the church to get married. Rarely does a Christian come to the church for help on divorce!

I must admit, I did have a lady call to make an appointment about 14 years ago. She had a Catholic upbringing. She asked me if I could help her with divorce. So I asked some probing questions and satisfied that there was no abuse (physical, verbal, substance), no adultery, and no abandonment, I gave her my one word advice - No. Then I gave her my two word solution - Jesus Christ. After she was baptized, I later met with her husband - three months later he was saved and baptized. They have adopted three children and are still doing quite well.

What about financial infidelity? This destroy's more marriages in our country than physical infidelity. What about abuse from other family members in which the husband won't stand up for the wife?

We act in the Christian church like divorce is the worst of all sins, when in fact, it is just that, a sin just like other sins. Christian churchs are suffering because we make no place for our divorced memebers. It is really, really sad.

When does love win out?

I have no idea where to start or in my situation if any one cares or just would want to say he's getting what he deserves. Trying to sum any of this up as all going through or been through divorce knows is about impossible. There is alot of good info and truth and opinion in alot of the comments made. but for my thats the problem there is alot to hear and say and try to comprehend or believe so I understand it is personal for everyone.
I am just looking for what is the way it is that most everyone can agree on depsite any other opinions, are their any solids or truths that are just that. I will most likely say things that would make people very angry in this or hurt with me or both? But i am most concerned over salvation of my love and myself and my family members.
I'll do my best to bring out points for comment and answers as making it all personal as we all know could go on for days.
I was married 29 years. There was love there at the beginging but didnt start that relationship or marriage off correctly (christian wise so to say). But we tried and had 3 sons all 27 and older now and I am only 49.
Had been doing things and getting things you all know better house etc. trying to fill a void that wasnt getting fixed. i had been going to church by myself for many years and she stayed home. Kids did go with me til older.
The strongest and best point of my relationship with God was a miserable one with my ex. so past that i kept trying waiting for alot to change.
Fast forward to the last couple of years. I finally just gave up in my heart of things changing. Matter of fact i told her i couldnt do another year like them 2 years ago. No i didnt do everything right in being a proper christian husband. But any efforts either of us made would last a week or two then back to the same issues. Too many to mention.
I honestly could go to church and struggle and try to feel Gods presence and sometimes really would aqnd come home and lamost have instant anger or be upset or total attitude change. Yes I feel weak I didn't and wasnt the christian man Im suppose to be. We know as men and women what I mean by that.
So I tried to talk her into counsleing, which finally happened and it backfired. I got more upset and more discusted and more inclined to want to give uo when she started to hear or listen to what a complete stranger had to say after one meeting than ever caring enough to listen to me for years.
So all the arguments, fights, true thoughts and feelings all came out. didnt help just made it worse. Just before this time frame started I would lean on several friends. One of which I waqs suprise even was a friend but stood by me.
In my weakness I did commit adultry, But I think the hardest part about dealing with that isnt the act or the weakness but then and even more so now for the first time in years and years I feel worthy like I deserve some happiness in the short few years we have left before the Lord comes and takes away all of our human miseries. This person was not even in my mind as a one night stand nor could be now. I know in 30 years now I feel a love not lust for this person I dont necessarily comprehend or understand. Because of many reasons I have had to contemplate whether or not she and I can hold this relationship together even in just oursleves becasue of the hell my actions have caused with my sons.
Of course rightly so they are in there mothers corner supporting her as I did file for the divorce and it's been officall for a couple of months now.
This great love now in my ife has a young son who I love and know he does me as well like a father. My own sons don;t speak to me and one is threatening to not let me see one of my grandaughters.
My relationship with my sons now she sees tears her us terribly because of her love for me. My ex. thinks Ill give everything up cause I dont know anyhting execpt the devil is just doing with me as he wants and that to see heaven I will just have to start over and come back to her like it could be something it never was ever and I mean ever. So my question is am I damning the soul of this woman I love ( I only dont say her name for personal proteection) and my own to honestly try to be happy here on earth in a man woman relationship.
i know love is more about action than words or maybe even feelings. Like what you do for and with that person and I know that is what I have for her. If it all ended and I was miserably broken and alone I know it would not be my desire to want to be with or go back to my ex.
At the same time other than God doing it I have no power or clue how to heal anything with my sons. Except believe it or not accept it or not I have given them no shortage of letting them know how much I love them and want to be in their and their little ones lives.
One says this different love and person in my life no matter how much she and I try to get our lives both back together with God and we both desire that will ever allow her around him or his girls. The oldest says we want you to be happy but wont talk to me or let me see his girl. The middle one hasnt spoke a word to me for 3 months.
Yes I understand, yes I know why, no Im not mad at them, Ive spent too much life angry and sick of that, but know I hurt as bad as they do. Can I move forward in this relationship and find Gods grace and mercty in it for us both if I can somehow manage to get myself to trust that he will for us and for my boys.
I even hope with all my heart my ex and the new relationship she says she is trying to allow God in for now it a true one and makes her all things she never has been. But I don't want a relationship like a husband to her I know that. But even though I know for a fact in my heart we both destroyed this marriage and another or not in my heart it ended a couple years ago for sure as I said, I feel loved like I havent known here. Of course the only love greater I know is my God and Christ and the holy spirit for my when I can never earn it or do anything to deserve it. Most days are hell now but not because of her. Her encouragement to me comes with pain for her, so I know she loves me. No matter how I feel do I have to restore a relationship with my ex. not wanting it and knowing I will depsise it just to gain my sons relationships back. Or do I have to say goodbye to them all and live alone with only God as my source to survive and live? ZAll going through all this you can understand and know I would take everyones pain right now all on myself if it would release them of it and help them including the woman I love now and her son. I dont know how I could go on hurting even more people than I have letting them go. But she says if my sons make me pick between them with lour future then she would have to make that decision for me as she knows I don't have that strength. So I ask what or how am I to deal with this, with God with our salvation with Gods forgiveness and on???? I suppose of we as humans were all where we are taught we should be or have the kind of relationship with God we are suppose to achieve or live to have God is all we should need right? I would love to be that strong, I know without a doubt that God is but also without a doubt I know he knows Im not. Yes God is allowing me to suffer the consenquence of my actions and honestly Im not mad at him at all for it. I want his healing but he also knows how I fell about whom, so guess Im reaching out for help, For anyone and all who have gone or are going through this. Yeah Im the bad guy in all this but even the bad and sinful and ones who apprear to be the cruel ones hurt.I hurt as bad as all others, I wish the timing would have been right but I dont regret meeting or wanting or loving this new woman. She and her son also mean the world to me if that makes sense to anyone but what now as things are very serious with all relationships?????? I have laso lost much
as all others have. God bless you all and thank him for the mercy and grace he still has for us.

My husband and I are Christians. He will file for divorce this year or at the beginning of next year. With the exception of 4 people, no one else knows. That's because our church is more worldly than Godly.

After an arguement, which started with a question by me while having fibroid pain, that's when he decided he wanted a divorce. I said we can work out our marriage problems, and his addiction to pornography, with God. He then said our personalities are too strong and he doesn't want to give up pornography because he likes it. He has always been addicted to pornography and has now been involved with an internet website called Second Life for about 2 years now.

He has the gifts of Teaching and Learning, and runs rings around most people when it comes to Bible knowledge. He still assists in communion (which means that he gives the wine and says the words of Christ) and he is still layreader. He likes to be in churches where he is not held accountable. I have been frustrated over the years because he did not or rarely did family devotions, and since our son became a teen, spends little time with him. He neglects work around the house, loves when the house is messy, vehemently objects when I try to clean or put the house in order or clean out the garage, and loves to argue. He claims that I'm "acting" like the man in the house. Even a neighbor called the police on us to have one of our cars moved from the street because it had no tags and had been there for a whole year. Now it's in our driveway because he has procrastinated to finding the title for it.

The closer it gets towards the divorce, the more he is allowing our son to do what he wants and gives him what he wants. My son has little respect for me because he likes to do what he wants. My son will be 18 next year.

My husband has also said that nothing or no one will change his mind about divorcing me.

While engaged, we agreed that I would be a stay at home mom, homeschool and support his family. I gave up my career for that promise. Now, at the age of 49, I have no money, place to live or means of supporting myself. Everything is in his name. Family and friends cannot afford to support me. I have two jobs (one seasonal), but neither will pay for an attorney or help me become independent. I would love to go back to school, but again, funding is necessary as well as a place to live and a car.

God has to perform a miracle for me because as you can see, it's impossible for me to afford to even stay alive. I cannot even afford to move. I am relying on God's Word, His mercies and his promises--basically God's Faithfulness. Without God, I have literally have nothing.

For all those who are reading this post: if you are truly keep God's commandments, please fast and pray for me. Just like our heavenly Father parted the Red Sea for his people, I will indeed need a miracle such as that very soon.

Thank you for reading. God's continued blessings.

Ramona - I am so sorry for your pain. I too am 49 and will soon be divorced after nearly 30 years of marriage to a deacon in the church. My husband filed for a divorce so he could pursue another relationship; this wasn't the first time his infidelity was an issue and he has no desire to repent or reconcile. I am blessed in that I will be financially stable after the divorce and have always been employed full-time.

Divorce breaks my heart. While I do have "biblical grounds" for divorce, it doesn't make me feel better about it. I hate divorce and have grieved and repented before God. It has also opened my eyes at how blind and inept we are in the church to hold each other accountable or to help the hurting. When there were problems in the past, previous pastors chose to turn a blind eye instead of trying to come alongside my husband and turn him back. Beyond the current pastor who counseled with me, no one has offered to pray with me, called, come by, nothing. I feel very alone and somewhat expected to be marching thru this victoriously with a determined smile on my face at all times. People...fellow Christians...WAKE UP. We have to do better than this, starting today, starting with me!

Ramona, once I hit post, I will be going to pray for you...for God's peace, mercy and provision. He is faithful, even when your husband or fellwo believers aren't!

I am also incredibly disappointed by Anne Jackson's divorce. My parents are still married, after 34 years, but it has not been a happy marriage at all. My dad completely rejected Christ (after 15 years on the overseas missions field and getting his M.Div degree!) and is now an atheist (who is quite vocal about how "stupid" Christians are). He also suffers from depression and borderline personality disorder.

To say that my parents' marriage is dysfunctional would be an understatement. There is essentially no communication, no encouragement, no understanding of each other. My dad is emotionally cold, condescending, and hypercritical of my mom. To use Anne's words, YES the life is gone from their marriage. YES, it is completely broken.

But she will not get a divorce!

She does not believe in it, as he has not committed adultery. Even though I would consider him to be emotionally abusive (which should be grounds for divorce, in my opinion), there is no physical abuse. So she can't (biblically) and won't leave.

This is why I am extremely upset over Anne Jackson's divorce. I don't know the details, but I wish she could talk to my mom and see her reality and then decide if she was still justified in getting divorced.

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