Her.meneutics: Navigating the Sea of Electronic Media

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« The Praying Pedestrian: A Lenten Discipline | Main | Rethinking the Death Penalty »

April 8, 2011

Navigating the Sea of Electronic Media

How we can foster a family environment that deters sexting, distracted driving, 'Facebook depression.'

Ellen Painter Dollar

The New York Times last week told the story of eighth grader Margarite, who “sexted” (sent a naked photo of herself via cell phone) her boyfriend. When he and Margarite broke up, the boyfriend forwarded the message to another girl—a former friend of Margarite’s with whom she was having some trouble—with the caption, “Ho Alert!” The girl forwarded it, and soon the whole school had access to the photo that the 14-year-old meant for her boyfriend’s eyes. Several students were eventually charged with child pornography for their role in forwarding the message, although charges were eventually downgraded to harassment, punishable by community service.

As my oldest daughter prepares for middle school next year, I’m pondering the best ways to equip her to handle the changes and challenges of adolescence with wisdom and grace. One of my central concerns is how to help her (and our other two children) navigate the digital world of cell phones and laptops. Sexting, distracted driving, cyberbullying—these modern scourges can leave kids damaged, lonely, in legal trouble, or even dead.

Recognizing that online activity (sexting and cyberbullying, as well as less overtly threatening Facebooking and texting) has potentially negative effects on kids’ physical and mental health, the American Academy of Pediatrics is urging pediatricians to inquire about media use during check-ups. Experts have coined the phrase “Facebook depression” to describe the plummeting self-esteem that can result from constant exposure to friends’ happy status updates and photos indicating a packed social calendar. Although it has yet to show a causal link, one study found that teens who text a lot (120 text messages or more per day) are more likely to engage in sexual activity and drug use. Experts speculate that factors contributing to excessive texting (impulsivity, a need for constant stimulation and social interaction, inadequate parental supervision) also contribute to risk-taking.

What is a parent to do? Some parents might ban electronic media altogether, but that’s not the right answer for most of us. Electronic connectivity will play a larger and larger role in the workplace and education. I am a writer for whom online media are indispensable for sharing and marketing my work (and frankly, central to both my social life and my household management). My husband is a librarian transitioning his university library from being a repository of printed material to an access point for online resources. My daughter’s middle school homework will require Internet access, as many teachers post homework on web pages, rather than passing it out in class. Facebook, e-mail, and texting can also be tools for enhanced connections between people, if used with respect for others and within limits. Forbidding my kids from using computers and cell phones would be shortsighted and, really, impossible.

But we can have rules: No texting at the dinner table. All computer use takes place in public areas of the house, not behind closed doors. Cell phones will be turned in to us at bedtime. Kids must “friend” a parent if they want to use Facebook.

It seems to me, though, that the unhealthy, sometimes tragic consequences of teen media use are rooted in something deeper than a lack of parental supervision or teen impulsiveness. Teenagers, particularly girls, inhabit a culture that constantly tells them that their worth is measured by outward things—looks, popularity, sexual experience, worldliness, the ability to post clever one-liners that elicit plenty of ROFL’s and LMAO’s from friends.

Actually, it’s not just teenagers that inhabit this culture. I do too. My own consumption of media does not always give my kids a good example of how to be part of today’s online world without letting the values promoted by that world define you. And I’m not just talking about my tendency to scroll through my e-mail while only half-listening to my kids.

My consumption of media—reading consumer magazines and watching reality TV as well as using Facebook, e-mail, and texting—often skews my self-image and tempts me to focus not on what is meaningful and lasting and healthy, but on what is superficial and fleeting and destructive.

The more I obsess over shelter magazines featuring updated, perfectly coordinated, clutter-free homes or watch TV shows such as TLC’s What Not to Wear, the worse I feel about my own cluttered, unrenovated, dust bunny-infested house, and my cardigan- and sneaker-heavy wardrobe.

The more time I spend online obsessing over my blog comments, envying other authors’ publishing successes, and wondering why I wasn’t invited to the party that friends are posting photos of, the more focused I become on myself and my insecurities, instead of on my family, my work, and my community. Media saturation has a way of skewing our sense of how things really are and what is eternally significant. Other writers get rejected. Most people’s houses are rarely camera-ready. My friends spend many weekends hanging out with their children instead of dressing up to attend parties (or, alternatively, doing errands and cleaning bathrooms instead of planning outings or supervising extravagant craft projects with their kids). But such real-life experiences rarely make it into Facebook photo albums or status updates.

As Paul reminded Christ’s followers in Phillippi, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” The fruit of such a life is not a guarantee that you’ll never be hurt by a friend, disappointed in romance, rejected in the workplace, or feel lousy when you discover you weren’t invited to the party of the year. The fruit of such a life is that, “The God of peace will be with you.”

Our rules about computer and cell phone use will likely change as the technology changes, and as we see what kind of people our children—today still so young and innocent—turn into. But I will do my best to foster a family environment that puts the real world ahead of the virtual one by both setting clear rules about media, and focusing on seeking first God’s kingdom and God’s righteousness. I will strive to better model healthy behavior in my own media use. And I will say many prayers for all that is beyond my control, which is plenty.

Comments

I grapple with the same insecurities due to facebook, and then I realized I could use social media to proclaim what God was teaching me about living the life He asks me to. It won't look like anybody else and their online life. Even my own blog has to be "me" and not like other Christian bloggers. Thanks for this! http://livewithflair.blogspot.com/2011/04/when-you-stop-resisting-god.html

I think one thing we can -- and should -- do is to be open with our kids about our own struggles with technology and media. It's pretty powerful to hear Mom say, "Y'know, I've realized lately I'm not paying as much attention to YOU because I'm compulsively checking my email. I need to figure out ways to get my priorities back in line."

The other thing I think is helpful is to explain the big picture, because that's the one thing kids almost never see. Talk about the challenges of establishing real relationships in a text-talk world. Discuss how texting allows us the opportunity to *pause* before hitting send (to double-check whether sending is a good idea) or depletes our impulse control. Admit that we've sent messages in the heat of the moment, and talk about how we've felt afterwards. Tell our kids what our own rules of thumb are for dealing with the temptations of technology. (Mine include 'don't say anything you wouldn't want forwarded to everyone you know', 'if I can't say it graciously, it's not time to say it' and 'if I wouldn't want my mother to know, that's a pretty good sign there's something wrong with it'.)

None of that's a guarantee, of course. But I find that my older kids really do appreciate having some idea of the lay of the land. Plus once they see it, they understand why we have the rules that we do.

Bravo to Ellen for actually imposing rules on her kids' media use. (And for having the courage to wear cardigans.) This was a wonderful, insightful piece.

Good words: both about the externals of how to situate telecommunications in our homes about the internals of how they affect (and put on display) our hearts.

Thanks for this honest story and reflection. We need to hear these kinds of things since evangelicals, as usual, have grabbed hold of "social media" as the coming of the kingdom, but with out much serious theological, historical, or moral reflection. It is amazing how children reveal those things we would prefer to avoid or deny.

Thanks

Interesting post. I really respect parents like you who are dealing with the impact of new technologies in thoughtful and faithful ways. When I think about how much things have changed since I was a teenager, I wonder how parents are dealing with these new challenges with no models. I think your strategies of thinking about our values and making practical boundaries are wise. Thanks!

Ellen,

Thank you for being both wise and vulnerable. I learn from you. Recently, there have been some spiritual formation conferences that ponder the way technology forms or malforms us. I am interested to hear the results. I can't help thinking of Neil Postman's Amusing Ourselves To Death book. The Church does need to address this. And you are helping to do so. Also, I think Tim Challies has a book coming out about this topic.

Lately I've had to remind myself that virtual reality doesn't encompass reality. If we think about it is kind of weird to live glued to a computer or phone--to exchange incarnate life for a virtual one. Of course I am not saying that technology doesn't have its perks! But our kids will learn from us whether we like or not.

Thank you for your article. Far more teens are suffering quietly than many adults realize. As parents are being virtually displaced children's self esteem rides on the latest input from people who do not have their best interest in mind!

May parents rise up and take back their proper role!

Mark Strohm
CyberSafetySeminar.com

As a fan of Ellen's blogs, I just read the other day on that she is personally limiting her computer use on Sundays. I have also tried to make this part of my Sabbath (5:00 on Sat to 5:00 on Sunday, I really try not to check e-mail). I think that is one practical suggestion for Christians that can do a lot of good. I have not tried to extend it to the rest of my family, but I am tempted.

About electronics in general, it's just a big topic for parents to think a lot about. For example:
1) I have found that I definitely hold my kids to standards that I do not keep (being a bad example.)
2) Most of my kid's bad experiences with electronic media have more to do with moral decisions than electronics. Example: My 12 year old said something not horrible but not nice in a chat and it got forwarded. (He and Iearned that chat transcripts last forever and can get forwarded; we also reviewed that saying mean things about people is not wise.)
3) I think every generation of parents has a tendency to protest what is new/unfamiliar, and I think we have to resist that and figure out how to give good counsel.
l

We recently chose to discipline our 17-year-old son by (among other things) turning off his ability to text. After a week or so, he told me it was one of the best things we could have done for him.

"My friends only call me when they really want to talk to me, and I can watch an entire movie without being interrupted."

Great post. Thank you. This has been on my heart a lot lately. I actually imposed a Facebook-fast for myself because I found useless hours wasted, especially in comparing myself to people's photos.

My husband and I work for a campus ministry and have actually been doing a series of Relationship-Talk Forums focusing on different aspects of relationships. So far, we've touched on singleness in the Kingdom of God, basing our self-image on being made in His Image, and establishing appropriate boundaries in relationships/friendships. Our last talk will be on technology, its affects on relationships, and how a Christian should navigate the technology. I'm going to forward your article to the speakers for their perusal. Thanks again!

I often think about this issue, though I'm not a parent yet. I am already disgusted with the way social technology has a hold on my life, and I don't even have facebook or a cell phone.

I disagree that social media is "necessary", as the author states. I see people who can't "live" without facebook, but we all know that's a lie - I do it, and they did it before! How much of it all is really just a time waster? Yes, you can use facebook to share the Message, but it's not necessary. It can be done without it - Jesus didn't have facebook, and he doesn't require we have it. In fact, you could even make an argument that witnessing through facebook is not only ineffective, but counter-effective. Is using a disconnected media platform to share the idea that Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with people really effective?

I agree that children will pick up their parents' values. While having thoughtful discussions with children about social media is helpful, I think it sends a much bigger message if the parents don't use it at all. My parents never watched much tv, never bought me video games or cell phones, never had a fancy computer - they were simply uninterested, and I believe I owe my present-day "what's the big deal?" attitude towards the latest technology in part due to my parents' attitude towards it. I find I am generally more critical toward "the latest thing" than people in general. People seem to jump on every latest bandwagon, while I'm not convinced until I see some good in it.

My nephews' parents are the same way - they have some social media, but they rarely use it and they don't buy it for their kids, and what are their kids doing? They're out in the yard playing sports, staying healthy and having fun. When you talk to them they don't mumble "uh-huh" while they text away furiously. There's a definite lack of "vapidness" in their conversation. I strongly believe that if parents are distracted by social media and technology in general this will rub off on their children. The best way to avoid being distracted by social media is simply to get rid of it altogether. You don't need it. Ever been on vacation and not check your email for a week? It's quite liberating, actually.

I hope it's OK for guys to read and post here, too. :-) I enjoyed the article as well as the comments that followed. I am writing from the perspective of a Dad of a 17-yr old and 15-yr old--both boys. My wife and I have been almost perfectly aligned in our views of media and our boys after she got me to agree to a simple experiment. More about that in a moment.

For as long as my oldest son has been mature enough to understand, he and I have spoken about my responsibility to prepare him to step out on his own and to someday, if God allows it, to lead his own family. I recognize that I am not an unbiased observer, but my wife and I are both very proud of the gentlemen our boys are becoming. Having said that, we currently struggle with how loosely to hold the reins. My oldest has a cell phone because he drives on his own. We started him with an outdated, prepaid phone and a small budget, and held him responsible for any overages. We agreed at the outset for full parental access to his messages and he has never flinched at my access. We finally upgraded his phone and added him to the family plan as the next one gets ready to drive--and his own outdated, prepaid cell phone.

We have kitchen timers to limit computer/video game time (Friday-Sunday only). We filter our Internet access with BSecure's Cloud Care. While not a panacea, it is a huge influence to know the use is being monitored. The Holy Spirit helped me catch attempted misbehavior on three occasions last year, so I still monitor in various ways--and those occasions proved to be good for the relationships as we grappled with temptation and the choice to trust God in what His Word says, or not.

I confess that I have not had a Blackberry since 2004, so I have not had to deal with that issue in front of my sons. Oh, and that "experiment" I mentioned? We had a short-term move for my job back in 2004 and my wife suggested for the short duration, we not connect cable. "We can do anything for 10 months." It was hard for me to swallow, but you've probably guessed by now that we never hooked it back up since then. Both boys still read in bed before turning the lights out. It's not perfect by a long shot, but our experience suggests you parents-to-be can control media from the start without it being a constant battleground. It's only hard to face the questions from other adults who are increduluous. "I COULD NEVER DO THAT!"

I wanted to clarify that I'm not saying get rid of email - really if you have that do you need any of the other stuff?

Harry - we also have never had cable in the 4 years we've been married, and we haven't missed it. We still watch movies and rent tv series but our home is commercial-free and we never have to see the latest garbage that's on tv.

Also, Harry, I think your parenting ideas are great and it's encouraging to hear they're effective!

Author here...Thank you all for your very encouraging comments. Your compliments for how we are examining and supervising our kids' media use were unexpected. Like many parents I suppose, I find it easy to see where I am falling short and feel in over my head much of the time, so those were a wonderful boost!

Harry and others who posted practical ideas: Thank you. Tucking those away for the future.

Nadine: Given my husband's and my professions (and the fact that my kids' school work requires Internet connectivity), I still argue that for us, online media are necessary, and not just e-mail. And I love my cell phone for sending quick texts formalizing pick-up plans for my kids or similar chores. I rarely talk for long on it, but it has become a time-saving tool for managing three kids and a household. But do I still spend plenty of unnecessary time on Facebook, skimming through blogs, or watching silly TV shows because I don't want to get up off the couch? You bet. So while certain media are necessary for my and my husband's work, we both still have issues with letting our media use spill over into other areas of our life and define how we spend our time and perceive ourselves. It so happens we went away this weekend, without kids and without our laptops. It was lovely to go three days without checking e-mail or Facebook.

Kudos to you for being honest in sharing that you, along with so many other parents, need to find the proper balance in the use of electronic media. Acknowledging that the problem exists is the first step. I have no doubt that you and Daniel will navigate this issue successfully because of the sound family values and social involvement which you are exposing them to along the way.

Ellen: Thanks for your response. I definitely see where you're coming from - I have to use the internet and email for my job everyday as well, and for most of the day. Obviously there's nothing you or I can do about that, but sometimes I wonder if just not engaging with extraneous social media, such as Facebook, in addition to discussing it critically with children, is even more effective than just "toning down" usage. And not just for your kids - for you too (I'm using the general "you" here, I'm not pointing at anybody in particular - I'm thinking of myself, really).

Thank you for addressing this issue - it's a timely one, and I enjoyed reading your article.

Ellen (and others),

Clearly, acknowledging there's an issue is the first step to change. The second step is being willing to change, THEN there's the effort involved in making the change itself. In my experience talking with others, most might acknowledge there is an issue with media consumption, but rarely does the need for change seem important enough for them to follow through with the difficulty and sacrifice of making the change--and suffering the resulting 'punishment' inflicted by their kids. While the comparison is different on many levels, I am reminded of various addictions that most anyone can agree are problematic, but somehow persevere in the life of the addict. Then one day, for a few of these addicts, a doctor gives them the blunt message--change or die. Or perhaps, for other addictions, they are unmasked, and the result is enough of a disaster to (finally) motivate the change they knew was already needed. Mostly, I think, we just muddle through, knowing we should stop whatever it is we know is wrong, but never reaching the motivation threshhold to try. That's why I posted earlier--to perhaps give someone needing it an example of something that worked for one family, that might be considered too hard or radical by others. Then Nadine chimed in and that makes two. :-)

If media is a problem for a parent or a child, you don't have to deal with it--most don't, assessing the cost as too high or the threat as too low. For those that can, I recommend avoiding the issue as long as you can, while building in the healthy family routines of time together playing games, reading, chasing each other around the house or just walking around the block every evening after dinner.

For the vast majority of families, you cannot hide from media forever, and I would be concerned about the functionality of the kids when they finally do leave home if they have truly been that sheltered. I think they need to be able to type, complete Internet searches or capably operate a cell phone. At the same time, you don't have to "give in" to whatever prevailing standard your kids can find in order to justify their perceived need to fit in.

For Ellen: I echo the thanks expressed above for writing the post that started this...

Harry

Children will do what we do, not what we say so our example to them of personal electronic boundaries is one of the best ways to teach them appropriate behaviour.

Like so many other areas of life, to truly prepare our children for what the world throws at them in teenage and adulthood we need to start from day one in instilling great values, self worth, self disciple, how to treat others, a good communication connection with mum and dad etc. If these foundations are laid right in the first years of life they will bare better fruit than those parents who leave these things until teenage.

Two things strike me:
TALK TO YOUR KIDS and
MEDIA LITERACY.

Children need to be taught before they enter school how to dissect and critique the messages they consume via all media: print, electronic, sides of cereal boxes, etc. Every bit of media (particularly advertisements) consumed contains a message. What are those messages? Do you believe them? Why do you think you are being given this message? How will you respond? We cannot shield our children from media. They see billboards when we drive them to soccer. But we can TALK to them about it and help them understand it.

One of my missions is to uncover and illuminate the ways our culture sexualizes girls, turns them into sex objects and even makes them complicit in doing so. Then to fight against it. Our girls are taught that their value and worth lie in their ability to attract men and perform sexually. Our boys are taught that women's purpose and value lies in their appearance, their "sexiness." Elementary school girls are trying to be sexy. Elementary school boys are labelling girls "hot." It's not okay. I've vowed that my children will have a childhood, and I will do everything within my power to make that happen.

I know it freaks some parents out, but sexual topics MUST be addressed starting in early childhood at age appropriate levels. Trust me, your middle schooler knows about oral sex. If you're not talking to them about it, what kind of things do you think they're hearing? I wonder if that young lady's parents had talked to her *explicitly* about "sexting"? I wonder if they had a cell phone contract in place? These are such simple things, and they can do so much to make a difference.

Thanks for sharing this post, Ellen. I think it's also important to help our kids learn how to be discerning media consumers - to learn how to thoughtfully engage the messages they encounter. They don't necessarily know how to do that on their own. There are some good resources for parents and group leaders that can help us walk through that learning process with our kids. I wrote about some for the SUSIE Magazine Newsletter for moms - http://www.susiemagazine.com/Moms/Newsletter.aspx. Hopefully these will be helpful.

My high-schooler does no have her own cell phone and does not text. So far this has not proved to be a hardship.

My junior high schooler was in a nightmare situation because she did not have a cell phone at the time. I had 3 kids doing sports at the time, all in different parks, and all to be picked up at approx 5:30. Well, I was not notifed that my middle daughter's soccer field was changed at the last minute, and when I went to pick her up, she wasn't there. Then on top of it, the coaches did something they are never to do. They left my 7th or 8th grader alone, in a different town, on a cold rainy pitch-black soccer field in a town we don't well. They are never to leave a child alone, but in this case, they just took off. I was very, very scared, and so was she. Thankfully, the last mother of a player's mother from the other team, called me on my cell phone to tell me where she was. It's something that will always kind of haunt me. They don't need fancy phones, but they do need to reach their parents. You never know what situation will come up sometime.

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