Her.meneutics: 'Bridesmaids,' Marriage, and Real Happiness

back to Christianity Today

RSS Feed | Help

email to a friend

twitter updates

Follow Her.meneutics on Twitter

What Is Her.meneutics?

The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

interests

books and media

church life

justice and politics

relationships and family

sexuality and health

spirituality

theology

women of note

writers

More ...

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

« A Parenting Manual for Bad Kids | Main | My Father Was a Porn Addict »

July 22, 2011

'Bridesmaids,' Marriage, and Real Happiness

Where are all the popular stories about happy single women?

Ruth Moon

Movies have taught me a few valuable lessons.

There may be a train platform in between numbers 9 and 10 in London’s King’s Cross Station. If two men are fighting for your attention, and one is very pale and the other is Native American, well, watch out — they may not be men at all, especially if one smells like wet dog.

And the lead girl always, always gets the guy.

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend, about two months behind the rest of the world. I read up on it beforehand: Dana Stevens at Slate called it a “giddy feminist manifesto." Watching the film is a “social responsibility,” claimed Rebecca Traiester at Salon, an opportunity to “persuade Hollywood that multidimensional women exist, spend money and deserve to be represented on film.” (Michelle Dean at The Awl disagreed, noting that all the conversations in the film about weddings were still really about men.)

Maybe it is a feminist film, especially if feminism in film means men make hardly any screen appearances and are primarily asses when they do (I’m talking to you, Jon Hamm).

But it seems odd that this giddy feminism would result in the same formulaic rom-com result as The Devil Wears Prada, Pretty Woman, The Proposal, and about every other romantic comedy I can think of having watched in my lifetime.

Annie (Kristen Wiig) has a life in shambles. Her cake business (and dating relationship) went under in the recession, she drives a beat-up car and lives with a British brother and sister and, after they kick her out, her mom. She loses her second job at a jewelry store for mouthing off to potential customers, and has an ongoing sleeping arrangement as a playboy’s “number three.” When she meets a quality man — a vaguely Irish police officer who pulls her over for a ticket — they hit it off. But she walks out on him, afraid to commit to a nice guy (or so she tells her friend, Lillian, on the phone). Yet in the end (spoiler alert!), after Lillian's nearly-spoiled wedding comes off, Annie and her dream man ride off in the squad car to their happily ever after.

As an example of every chick flick that has ever been, this teaches me two things, neither of which are I think true:

(1) Your dream man will let you walk all over him, then take you back when you ask.

(2) Every happy ending starts with a man.

I have little expertise with which to respond to the first point. I can only say this may not be the case. Some things cannot be rebuilt once broken, and trust is very hard — sometimes impossible — to regain when lost. Even the lead woman may irrevocably lose a man, even a good one, with particularly idiotic behavior.

The second point is demonstrably false. Having a man is not a precursor or parallel requirement to building a fulfilling life. I am not half a person scouring the world for my better half; I am a full human being, whether a man is by my side or not.

Lauren Winner addresses this problem well in Real Sex, and in far more detail than I can share here.

“I have often wondered why we use ‘single’ as a noun,” she writes. “Perhaps no other marker of identity should be a noun other than Christian, since that is the most fundamental identity any of us claim.”

The most important question we should ask each other, Winner says, is not, “Who are you dating?” but rather, “How is God calling you to be faithful now as you are?”

Faith in Jesus can free us from using our relationship status as a measurement of our worth. In the words of my cheesy freshman class t-shirt, our relationship status is defined by Christ.

Many if not most readers might agree with this in theory or even in practice. But the pop culture world does little to emphasize it. When every on-screen woman finds her happy ending in a man, what’s a single girl to do but assume that her happy ending is just not here yet?

Where are the rest of the women? Where are the women who find happy endings by themselves — either through losing a good guy, grieving, and moving on, or just never finding him in the first place? There’s hardly any pop culture image of what it looks like to be a happy single woman. This is somewhat surprising, given that five years ago, more than half of American women were living without a spouse. You would think that Hollywood would capitalize on stories that real women can relate to. Then again, it’s not that surprising. Singleness continues to be seen both outside and inside the church as a waystation, a stopping point between college and marriage on the path toward real adulthood and happiness.

Although there are signs of change, evangelical churches have by and large dropped the ball on encouraging women (and men) to embrace singleness as a fulfilling way of life, whether it lasts a short period or indefinitely. The world of pop culture has apparently dropped the ball as well.

Feminism on film could be paving the way for a healthier understanding of happy endings, one that reflects the fact that women are fearfully and wonderfully made persons whose value does not hinge on having a man by their side. Instead, it’s giving us fart jokes and Judd Apatow lite.

Comments

Brilliant and insighful! Thank you.

I completely agree! Having been in a lonely and abusive marriage for several years, I can honestly attest that there is more to life than being in a relationship.

Personally, I hated "Bridesmaids". Both the crass language and the characters' immorality were unnecessary and vulgar. I had regrettably wasted 2+ hours of my life that could have been used MUCH more wisely.

It can also be said that Hollywood doesn't show many happy marriages. And I loathe the sort of "female empowerment" messages a film like "Bridesmaids" sends.

Heh. Just the fact that its rated R I knew I wouldn't enjoy Bridesmaids (that and I can't stand slapstick comedy) - but that being said - thank you for once again pointing out where our culture has it wrong. Its so frustrating as a (single) woman all the people who think I *have* to have a man. I'm not faced with it nearly as much as a lot of my other single friends are but it is an issue women (and probably not a few men) face on a daily basis.

I was disappointed by this article because I actually found "Bridesmaids" to be a nice break from the regular chick-flick genre. It was funny, sad, and, at points, heart-wrenchingly genuine (I know I have definitely banged on my steering wheel screaming "NO!" and feeling like EVERYTHING has gone wrong).

There was a rom-com element but it was only a sub-plot. The main storyline was about a woman mourning the "loss" of her best friend, her dreams, and the life she envisioned having. Yes, there was a guy and in the end they ended up together but that wasn't the point of the movie. I think you could argue your points 1 and 2 (about your dream man and happy endings) from plenty of modern romantic comedies but this isn't the one. I also think you could make a great point about how Annie's behavior was very self-pitying and she didn't ask "How is God calling you to be faithful now as you are?"

Overall, though, I thought this movie was more redemptive than you presented - showing a story about two strong women who love each other and find it difficult to cope when change comes knocking. After all, the resolution to the movie comes when the two female best friends make up NOT when the heroine and her guy make up.

I didn't see the film but I do like this post about the need for people to focus on where God is taking us rather than our relationship status. No matter what it is (our status that is) our first priority must be Christ. We cannot love others as we are called to if He isn't the main focus of our lives. If women or men think that marriage is what they need they are wrong. Sadly, this is the message we hear all the time.

Marriage can be a good thing but singleness can be too. If you are single you are free to wholly please the Lord in all you do while not having to concern yourself with pleasing your spouse. Hey, the Bible says this a lot better than I do (from The Message, 1 Corinthians 7:32-35):

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions."

Ruth, This was a really thought-provoking critique. I appreciate the perspective you brought to it!

Thanks, Ruth, for this thoughtful review. I agree: it would've been nice to see Annie stand on her own two feet without a man to 'complete' her.

"When every on-screen woman finds her happy ending in a man, what’s a single girl to do but assume that her happy ending is just not here yet? ... Where are the women who find happy endings by themselves ... There’s hardly any pop culture image of what it looks like to be a happy single woman."

-- First, stop limiting your research to "chick flicks." Or to whatever the evangelical colleges are pushing on women about dating and marriage. Try looking at films/shows that focus on women living out their lives rather than those obsessing about finding a "happy ending." On TV, which I realize leaves a lot to be desired, there are more shows that depict women who are living their lives without obsessing about finding a man. The West Wing had seven years of showing strong, independent women leading fulfilling lives, very little of which was about their boyfriend status. Currently, the Good Wife portrays single women in strong positions. In Plain Sight has a sympathetic look at a strong, really messed up single woman who has helped the other women in her life get back on track while she is managing to hang on to her own. She actually found a good man, but realized she still had more work to do before marriage was going to work for her. The Mentalist has a stong female co-lead. There are others if you look.

@Jane Hinrichs -- Do you even know any single women? The single women I know are mothers to young children, daughters of aging parents, busy employees, and sometimes all of those at the same time. Your notion that single people don't have domestic obligations and therefore have all this free time to focus on serving the Lord is just ridiculous. And so is that distortion of a Bible verse put out by The Message. It's precisely the attitude that so many single women reject at church -- the belief that they are either perceived as desperate for a man (and a threat to other women's husbands) or as an other-worldly nun with nothing better to do than to take on all the chores that the married people are too busy to do.

The previous comment is mine. Apologies for omitting my identification.

I think the evangelical church has done a good job in encouraging purity, but I do not think it has done a good job in encouraging and modeling marriage. I think we have done a great deal to confuse men and women on how to interact and how to date. Marriage is not the answer to all of your problems, but it also is not something to avoid. It is part of life and some are married and some are not. This will always be with us.

No one, male or female, should view marriage as a way to complete themselves, but should look to Christ for that completion. This is never going to be portrayed on your TV or at the movies. It has to be lived out by men and women who are single or married who know who they are in Christ and seek all available avenues to model it. We must become Christ focused not self focused. We need to stop asking when is this going to happen or when is that going to happen and start being the ones who display Him through our walk, our talk and our jottings. Let's all stop whining about our roles and how unfair everything is and start focusing outwardly and seek to display Christ as He really is. If we did that, there would be no time for pity parties, we would be far too busy to worry over such things.

Thank you for remind us all that we are "full human beings" not half-beings searching for our missing puzzle pieces. Secular culture and the church alike are guilty as charged.

But on a positive note, one movie I can recommend for being close to what you're advocating here is "P.S. I Love You." The female protagonist, who is a widow, has several love interests throughout the film, but in the end, she strives to be content as she is, pursuing a creative career she was afraid to try before. Even this movie though ends hinting with the possibility of romance, but I was impressed with the message that there are other ways we live fulfilled.

I agree with @Christian lawyer. But um, did Ms. Ruth Moon have to use the word 'asses'? I may sound overly prudish.... or is this now acceptable language even on a Christian blog? Personally, I never, yes- never, go to the movies. I learn nothing from them because Hollwierd is intent on blaspheming God and not showing (in the case of 'Bridesmaids') the true face of the destructive nature of feminism and misogyny.

I think one reason it's hard to find a story in mainstream Hollywood that celebrates single-dom is the fact that this kind of story is not all together profitable. Ultimately Hollywood is a business and wants to make money. What makes money? Suckering women and men into living vicariously through characters who have something they want, be it love, money, fame, power, etc. I think Hollywood is just one element of the pop culture cycle that perpetuates the idea that we need to be in a forever-relationship in order for our life to truly begin. Hollywood presents the idea, which encourages the stereotype, but they present the idea because it's popular and desired by its audience.

I enjoyed this perspective. Thank you for posting.

Like many unmarried women, I do long for marriage to a good man of good character. I realize marriage is not the end-all, be-all of life, but I do want it as *part of* my life.

At the same time, I agree with Lauren Winner that "Christian" should be the only noun/adjective we use to identify ourselves. The whole "singles" thing makes me cringe, and too often it's used as an opportunity to segregate into little clusters, rather than live out life together as believers... married and unmarried, young and old, male and female, etc etc.

I'd love to read a story or see a movie where the character's marital status is a non-issue: where her actions and story arc have more to do with a life struggle, rather than her gnawing over whether she's got a date or husband or whatever. One that emphasizes friendship, or family, or overcoming a personal challenge... SOMETHING universally relatable.

Another thing I've observed is that some movies about a wedding are more realistic than your typical rom-com. Even taking into account its wackiness, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" had a realistic and warm heart to it. I saw it on a double bill with "Monsoon Wedding" and left feeling hopeful about life. Rom-coms just leave me stupefied, as they bear little relation to reality and seem emotionally dishonest to me.

Shocked. SHOCKED! To find a blog regarding a movie of this stature on a Christianity Today site. If Christian's spent less time filling their precious minds with Hollywood's perspective on life then maybe we would not need to spend so much energy correcting that wrong thinking. Phil. 4:8, Romans 16:19, Romans 12:1-2

Ruth Moon and her.meneutics, you have just given an uncountable number of women the okay to waste their time, money, and minds on the vulgarity in "Bridesmaids" and other such "entertainment". Eph. 5:3, 1 Peter 1:16

A long time ago, I read a Christian novel where the hero told the heroine that he was only "half a person" without her. What a lie, and I swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I was a young teen, so this sort of rhetoric was influential on me. I agree, we have to show people (especially women) that we are fulfilled by Christ and that happy endings don't come because a man shows up in our lives. (A good reminder for married women, too.)

I'm somewhat with Christine on this one. I thought there were some very nice depictions of female friendship. And the line toward the end, where Annie accepts that her friend is getting married before she is, is one of the best takes on that situation that I've heard. Even though referring to her as a scout implies that Annie hopes to join her, I thought it was a really nice way of responding and finally rejoicing with her friend in her happiness, without any sense of real envy.

To me, the story was much more about the friendship(s) and Annie figuring out who she is and what her life's going to be about. The romance seemed like more of a side element - and its incorporation reminded me of a lot of action movies that also tend to include some kind of romantic resolution as side plot (in which the concluding romantic success almost represents the wholeness or rightness restored in the world and the hero's life by story's end).

But here's the thing with stories about single women: there has to be a conflict, something driving the story. What conflicts do we deal with? There's probably usually at least SOME relational component. That's not to say that the search for romance has to define every story, but I do think there's a larger quest afoot (in both real life and many films) for a more settled community and circle of relationships that are relatively stable and long-term. As much as I love my church and have much sense of family within it, marriage/familial relationships are still those with the most inherent commitment. In many cases, friendships rely heavily on proximity and structures repeatedly throwing us together. When someone moves or the structures change or dissolve, a lot of times the relationships they supported change, too, or lapse into annual-update status.

Very well said, commenter Leslie:

"Overall, though, I thought this movie was more redemptive than you presented - showing a story about two strong women who love each other and find it difficult to cope when change comes knocking...The main storyline was about a woman mourning the "loss" of her best friend, her dreams, and the life she envisioned having."

And I thought Bridesmaids was smart and HILARIOUS.

But I so agree, Ruth, with the too-common notion that being in a relationship and getting married is "a precursor or parallel requirement to building a fulfilling life." Such a bummer that it's so precedent in pop culture AND almost even more evangelicalism. Thanks for sharing your insights.

I guess I might give this movie a look. I had dismissed it as likely... stupid. But you've shown me that looking for redemptive themes in popular culture can have value.

I bought into the lie that a man would make me happy. I settled for less than I should have, compromised some values, and now am miserable in my marriage, all because I thought I had to get married to be a real woman and to be happy. It's not worth it unless you are sure this is what God wants for you.

I don't see this as an issue for adult women. Children & teens should have reminders about how movies don't tell us the truth about life and God, but if adults are still buying into this, perhaps they should back up for some review lessons in life.

Marriages are only miserable if one or both of the individuals are overly selfish.Real happiness in marriage happens because two people decide--yes, decide--to live together, thinking as highly and with as much esteem for their partners as they have for themselves.

Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

'Bridesmaids,' Marriage, and Real Happiness

Comments

recent posts

Archives

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

'Bridesmaids,' Marriage, and Real Happiness

Comments

recent posts

tags

Archives