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July 25, 2011

My Father Was a Porn Addict

The Playboys lying on the coffee table were the tip of the iceberg in our home.

Michelle VanLoon

My father taught me how to ride a bike, the value of a great punchline, and what a woman was supposed to look and act like.

My dad was a great guy with a bad habit.

When we consider relationships negatively impacted by a pornography addiction, most of us first consider the addict’s spouse or girl/boyfriend. It is not just the adult partner who is affected by a porn habit. Even if the addict believes he or she has the habit under wraps, porn’s toxicity leaks into other relationships in an addict’s life.

When I was growing up in the late 1960s and early 1970s, porn made its way into our home in the form of Playboy magazines on our coffee table, next to copies of my mom’s Redbook and Ladies Home Journal. My parents had come of age in the Mad Men era, when Hugh Hefner’s magazine was a signpost of cool in the same way that other sophisticates of their generation smoked cigarettes in the doctor’s office, slow-danced to Sinatra, and imbibed a dirty martini before dinner.

The coffee table reading was only the tip of the iceberg in our home. I can still remember the shock waves that hit me when I discovered the cheaply printed hard-core erotica stashed in my parents’ bedroom. I was 11 or 12 when I discovered a stash of the stuff in my dad’s dresser drawer and nightstand. Whenever my parents left the house, I pored over each plain-wrapped volume. I didn’t fully understand what I had read, but I knew that I’d been initiated into the world of adulthood at an age when I barely understood the mechanics of how babies were made.

I thought these books and materials encapsulated what it meant to be an adult. Porn taught me that the single most important thing to grown-ups was this mysterious world of fantasy, pain, and animalistic impulses too powerful to ignore. I was jarred by the difference between the sexually ravenous Barbies I’d met in the books, and the skinny, frizzy-haired, braces-wearing preteen I saw staring at me in the mirror. By 8th grade, I was determined to do what I could to close that gap. I used some of what I’d learned from the books and magazines with some willing neighborhood boys, which I later discovered is a very common response in children who are exposed to porn.

However, it wasn’t just the early exposure to porn and the resulting sexual experimentation that left dark smudges on my soul. It was devastating to realize that porn was an additional partner in my parents’ marriage. The discovery of my dad’s stash stripped away a sense of trust from me. From that point forward, I was a little uncomfortable around my dad. I was uncomfortable around my mom, too – but the awkwardness was definitely more pronounced whenever I was around my dad. It was as if I’d accidentally seen him naked, though that was never the case. I was left with questions I didn’t have the words or the nerve to ask: How did my dad view my mom? Other women? Me? Was my dad disappointed in me because I didn’t look like the women in Playboy?

I don’t remember either parent ever telling me I was beautiful. I would have given anything to hear that from one of them In fact, I did give anything when I gave myself away to some eager boys, hoping to hear from one of them that my parents were wrong about me.

Not surprisingly, my dad once advised me to “get some experience” before marrying. He didn’t know I already had. Much later, I realized that his advice was probably a sad self-report on his relationship with my mom.

It wasn’t until later in my life, after I’d become a Christian, after I’d married, that I began to come to terms with how deeply I’d been affected by having porn in my childhood. Men who have grown up with a porn-addicted parent tell me that they learned that real men are addicted to sex, and that it’s okay to objectify women. I thank God that my husband did not bring porn baggage into our marriage. My lost innocence and warped self-image have been more than enough baggage for both of us.

God is an amazing healer. Though I can’t entirely forget, I can forgive because I have been forgiven. I’ve forgiven my dad and mom – and myself, for choices I’ve made. I continue to practice forgiveness as God continues to excavate and reshape my life. I’ve been blessed with a patient husband who has walked alongside me for over three decades, occasionally helping me loose clenched fists from this carry-on or that tote bag I’ve schlepped for far too long.

And restoration has also come as I’ve shared my story with parents who have discovered that their spouse is a porn addict. While these parents may be waging an adult war for their relationship with a combination of prayer, Internet monitoring tools, counseling, and support groups, they need to remember that this is not an adults-only battlefield. Porn’s effects permeate the atmosphere of a household like noxious gas. Commitment to cherishing each child’s personhood and protecting their innocence with ferocity are essential weapons in fighting the battle as well.

Comments

This is a sad story, but thank you for sharing it. It's a good reminder of the ripple effects that things like pornography have. It's not an adult-only battlefield, and those who are most vulnerable (children) are in great need of protection. I read somewhere recently that the average child is only 6 years old at first exposure to hard-core porn--how very, very sad.

What an amazing testimony of transformation and a way that you were able to learn and grow in the Lord after being exposed so early on to such things. I appreciate you sharing it!!!

I've been through a semi-similar experience but in a different time period and with different situations, but ultimately that my dad had porn in the house and we all knew it was there and that it screwed up all three of his and my mom's kids (me being the only girl). I was deeply wounded by the way porn had harmed my dad, my mom, and me and my brothers. It really is part of a reason that today I am so against pornography because i know how it destroys, why I promote purity and modesty, and why I really love when people like ex-porn start Shelley Lubben come to Christ to talk about what the realities of porn are behind the scenes. These days there is such an easy access for porn to our children with the internet, the shows on T.V., and the ads on billboards, etc that it just makes it that much harder for families to survive and not get touched by the porn-spirit.

Wow. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story!

Thank you for your brave article. Pornography is a silent killer of innocence, sexual health, and marriages, to say the least. It is important to speak up against it.

According to the book Every Man's Battle by Craig Gross and Steven Luff, "every year that a teeneager is kept from his or her first exposure to a drug, like marijuana or alcohol, there is a 5 percent reduction, per year, in the risk of long-term addiction". Despite what our culture says, pornography can become a destructive addiction not unlike drug addiction.

Like narcotics, pornography is a coping mechanism to numb the pain and escape from reality. Let us pray that more brave souls speak up and act against this horrendous addiction, and for people to find their coping mechanism in or Lord Jesus Christ, our only true path towards healing from this world's wounds.

I know that porn addiction is a bad thing, and not exclusive to men, by the way. However, I was struck with this: I'm wondering if the author's dad had the expectation that his dresser and nightstand were private. There's such a difference in putting material like that out on the coffee table with the expectation that everyone in the house would see it. But it's another thing altogether to blame dad when you go digging in his stuff.

I tell my granddaughter who I am raising (and her mother before her) that she is beautiful and that she is smart and all those good things. I also have taught her to knock and that some things are not hers and she may not go "snooping."

You can teach all those things all you want, but almost all kids snoop. As someone recovering from a porn addiction who works with many men also addiced, I can tell you that if you have porn in the house your kids will almost certainly find it.

Jesus Christ makes it perfectly clear that a man who lusts after a woman in his heart has already committed adultery. A pornography "problem" is adultery plain and simple, and an airbrushed picture in a magazine is a vile substitute for one's wife (current or future (single guys cannot use the "excuse" they are not married yet).

I was introduced to pornography by my nonchristian adulterous dad when I was 12, I became a Christian at age 15, I did not get free from my own "porn" problem of adulterous thoughts until I stopped denying it was adultery and confessed my sin, repented (turned away from it) and showed God I meant it by staying away from temptations (flee temptation! is a verse too), and deciding I would never see women that way again.

Too many "christian" leaders claim they have an addiction to porn, or call it a habit, or minimize it in other ways to avoid finally dealing with it as sin, as adultery, plain and simple (and according to I John 2:1-4, they are liars if they claim to know God and do it anyway), and stop doing it, for God, for their wives (obeying Ephesians 5:25ff, does not allow for adulterous thoughts or actions for husbands), and for their children.

Women also have adulterous thoughts, often through "romance" notions, flirting, mixed messages (for fun), and it is not often a visible (vision based) issue for them, and if they made an effort to be attractive for their husband alone, that would assist a guy to finally deal with his sin too. And yet, many "christian" women disobey God's word by marrying a nonchristian man (or one who "converts" to marry her on the surface), who has had this problem for years and then they selfrighteously bash him around for his "porn" problem, the fact that they chose and married this man is their fault, it may even have been "fun" once to be involved sexually with him before marriage, even though she "went to church".

So, guys, call your porn "problem" adultery, as that is what Jesus calls it, confess it, repent of it, and show God and the world you mean the turn away. Otherwise, your claims to know God are false. I John 2:1-4. And wives who tolerate it, accept responsibility for how you asked for this, and follow Matthew 18:15-18 involving your pastor/church, so the adultery is exposed and can stop. Otherwise, the wife who ignores it or even encourages it to avoid intimacy with her husband, is part of the problem.

My minister husband was addicted to porn but thought it didn't affect his ministry or our marriage. He had 2 affairs with members of his church and finally left me for a woman a year older than our daughter. He is still in denial about what porn and strip clubs have done to him spiritually and emotionally.

Porn robs everyone involved of life.

People who view porn often feel it is harmless compared to a "real" affair because it isn't with a real person. But, do we not realize that just by looking at it you are using that woman or child or whoever is in the picture? That person is someone's daughter, someone's sister. Porn robs spouses of intimacy. If one spouse is addicted to porn, whether he or she admits to it, it will affect the marital relationship big time. And for example, if the husband is the one with the hidden porn problem, the wife will feel something is wrong and will most likely think it is her.

And even if children don't ever see it they will still be affected by it. And if they ever find out about it, they will feel betrayed (as will spouses).

Please take this stuff seriously. Please don't even look at an image. Porn also supports the sex trade, including children in the sex trade, including sex slaves.

I admire the author for being so candid about her past. Thank you Michelle.

"Porn’s effects permeate the atmosphere of a household like noxious gas." This is truth...whenever my husband viewed/used porn in our home, then a spirit of unrest followed. After my daughter had an unusual bout of nightmares one night, I confronted my husband the next day, asking if he had been doing porn while I was gone the previous day. He had. Something evil is released...it's all a part of the unseen world. As long as he uses porn, he is not in our home...it has been 7 years.

Thanks for sharing your painful journey to adulthood under the cloud of pornography in your home. At 68 I was finally delivered from the stranglehold effects of pornography readily present in my childhood home. Dad was addicted. Mom was helpless to fight it. I grew up learning that sex was naughty, secretive, and an obligation to one's husband, that men were just naturally inclined to be unfaithful to their wives: mixed (very wrong) messages from both parents. What a struggle it has been throughout my life with this battle. For decades - most of my life - I prayed, I begged God to deliver me from these bondages. It wasn't until, attending a weekend prayer conference, I finally came face to face with the necessity of forgiving all who wronged me - and then I was free!!! I will never forget the huge load lifted from my soul....the lightness that came into my being...the deep gratefulness and love I experienced for my Lord and Savior who heard and answered my many cries. With the Holy Spirit as my counselor, I am still learning what it means to be a lovable, healthy woman - at age 72!

Fathers, PLEASE consider your children and not just your own self-pleasure! You may think pornography is a harmless "pastime" but it can destroy the innocence of children and lead to self-loathing women who have difficulty feeling lovable and ok.

Thanks for another great article, Michelle.

I doubt nothing you have shared or the devastating effects of living in a family of origin where this was a problem. It is a wonderful testimony that God has freed you from the negative influence of pornography. I do not minimize what took place while you were growing up. I can't help but wonder, however, ... where is the protection for those you love (I Corinthians 13)? Doesn't biblical love protect? Do you have your parents' permission to share their struggles and sin in a public forum? Although forgiveness has taken place, does that justify displaying it? It makes me wonder if true forgiveness has indeed taken place. Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs.

slh, Both of my parents are deceased, and I wrote the piece after having several different conversations in recent months with friends who had porn-addicted husbands. As other commenters here have noted (JDH, your words moved me deeply!), porn in a home impacts everyone in a family, even if the adults believe their issues are being played out behind closed doors.

As far as forgiveness goes, I believe I have forgiven and tried to focus my words on self-reporting, not accusing. However, I will take your words to heart and to prayer just to make sure. I appreciate your questions. Thanks.

Wow, thank you. My (non-Christian) dad kept some books on a low library shelf, next to books on the paranormal, which he knew I liked. I was 10 or 11 and I didn't know they were different. But they really scared and confused me and I never spoke about it. It was creepy.

Michelle,

Thank you for your kind words. Without a doubt, I understand that (negative) actions of even 1 family member affect the totality of the family unit. I wholeheartedly agree with you.

As a side note, my family life was extremely dysfunctional, and because my parents were never freed from their individual pain and disappointments in life, their manifested actions and lifestyle choices undoubtedly affected me as the recipient of their parenting - or lack thereof - as their only child.

I had to work through the process of forgiveness after both of them died in 2001. God knew this was the only way I could ever have inner peace and be able to move forward in my own life...not only as a wife, but also as a mother.

Thanks for hearing my heartfelt words as someone who, to this day, continually asks for the Holy Spirit's guidance in knowing how to honor my parents (Exodus 20:12), even in death.

God Bless-
slh

The title of this article, "My Father Was A Porn Addict" is disingenuous. The author presents no evidence at all that supports the title.

Folks, don't assume a child is sneaking through your stuff. In most households, it is the girl child putting away laundry after doing it, dusting, putting stuff left around the house back where it belongs, boys are sent by a parent to get Daddy's or mommy's watch, cigarettes, whatever. Most of the moments of going through the house are done by older kids while both parents are working and the kids are home watching the younger kids after school,fixing snacks, making supper, etc. Also, in 99% of families children roam throughout the house from the time they're little. If you want your stuff kept secret make sure it's locked up, really hidden, your kids aren't left in the house to watch the other kids, to clean up, etc., Meaning, stay home and keep checking up on them, and train them from before they can crawl to stay out of "whatever". Of course, you'll have to do the cleaning, etc. yourself or actually, have nothing to hide which in the long run is the easiest route.What did you have kids for if it wasn't to have them in your life.

Michelle, thank you for your vulnerability that is a help to others. Not one of us can continue to believe the lie that our actions (good or bad) do not affect others.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. There are many, like me, with garbage baggage we need to throw away. Each time we read an article like yours, we find another such baggage lying somewhere in the dark recesses our our soul.

One thing, the 1950's were a terribly repressed time sexually. It is hard for younger people to imagine what it was like back then, given what we see daily in the general media today. This made an environment ripe for porn to flourish back then. Some back then used it i am sure because of this repression.

Thank you for sharing a painful, private glimpse into the life of your family. You're offering hope to other women who have gone through the same ... but haven't been able to share their story.

Sadly, sexual addiction is on the rise and we will most likely be hearing more stories like yours. With screens to be found in many rooms of most homes, predators loom just one click away.

Let's get wise to the fact that this is a terrible outbreak in our churches.

All I can say is, thank you. I thought I was reading my own experience. It hit home tremendously.

dear Mr. Mr.,
A little repression is way better than the oversexualization of society today where commonly watched prime time TV shows view porn as a normal part of relationships.I grew up in the 50's too.

Wow, thank you for verbalizing some of the thoughts I've had on this. I do not think my dad was an addict, but just KNOWING he had a few of these mags filed under P in the desk drawer, changed everything for me and my brother because we thought this was normal or acceptable-- to a point. We knew we were too young for it, but maybe this was okay for adults. We were 12 and 11 and it changed everything about how I thought of myself as a woman. The fact that Mom said that "Boys will be boys" made it much worse. I have had lots of healing, but I am not so sure about my brother, now 52.

Thank you for this. I'm writing a book right now (or trying to) about my father's same issues. I keep having to stop because it's just so horrendous and painful. Then I think about other children of porn/sex/addicts and I keep picking up the pen and trying again. The book will not be a CBA (Christian audience) book. It's just way too raw.

"There's such a difference in putting material like that out on the coffee table with the expectation that everyone in the house would see it. But it's another thing altogether to blame dad when you go digging in his stuff."

TM, I agree with a previous comment, kids just are going to snoop. They're curious. It's good to teach them about privacy, but there's not a ton of impulse control at a young age. Sadly, if there's porn in the house the children are going to find it. At least, it sure seems that way to me after listening to countless stories of my clients who were harmed by finding a parents' porn stash. If you're a parent you'd probably better not have the expectation that your nightstand and dresser are private.

The author's father abused her on so many levels that go beyond finding a hidden stash of porn. The questions it created in her mind, the insecurity, the horrifying advice to "get some experience" before she got married. Sickening! (BTW, this paragraph is not intended to be addressed you you personally, TM. I didn't take you to mean that exposing children to porn was okay).

Thank you, as ever, for your good work and vulnerability!

@Chuck Roberts Excuse me, but author says her parents (plural) had come of age in the era when the coffee table magazines were a sign of cool. And she further states that she didn't remember EITHER parent ever telling her she was beautiful. So to claim that her "father abused her on so many levels" is one sided. Her abuse came from both parents - her father AND her mother. Please, her mother was no innocent bystander in all of this. The porn in the bedroom was her parents (plural), not her father's porn!

Mary, you're absolutely correct. I didn't mean to treat her mother as innocent in this. My apologies.

wow what a story. i never thought that porn could do so much damage. thank your for sharing your story. i too was addicted to porn not through my parents but through friends. know i am married and with a baby on the way i had read a few books that helped me understand what sex really is and that opened my eyes and i asked God to help me overcome this problem and i wiped my hard drive clean and try to put things in place to prevent me from falling into the habit again and i'm still working at it. this post is really inspiring to me to keep on pushing

Thanks Michelle, I believe you tell a difficult story in a helpful way. One comment suggested that you should have drawn a veil of silence over your parents' activities as the loving thing to do. Well, I'm just preaching over the next several weeks on the Joseph narratives and Genesis 37-45 tells a pretty raw story, esp 38. Seems to me that the Holy Spirit doesn't draw a veil of silence over the sins of the Patriarchs and their children, because sin needs to be uncovered, acknowledged, repented, and forgiven or it will fester away. We find the same lesson in Genesis 3 & 4 which I've just been teaching -- it is the mercy of God that He challenges sinners. God first uncovers sin in order that sin may be rightly covered and ultimately only God has the right to cover sin. Shalom Aleichem

Thank you very much for sharing, this is something that people really need to hear and understand.

thanks for sharing.

As a child I was exposed to inappropriate books and magazines both in the home and on a military base as well as being exposed to inappropriate "sexual" behaviors at a very young age. By the time I realized what "innocence" was I realized I didn't possess it. This made me very aware of our children's exposure to books and magazines during their formative years. I was also very cautious about who I left them with when they were small.
Please, do not assume that what parents or other adults do or look at does not affect the children in their care. I am 54 years old and still wish that my innocence had not been "stolen" from me. I have forgiven those I could, but I've had a harder time forgiving myself for choices made because of my misunderstanding of sexuality the way God intended it to be.

TM - you seem to be blaming the author for being exposed to pornography. That is just cruel. It was NOT her fault that her parents made the very poor choice to bring that garbage into their home!

Mary - You seriously do not see that what her dad did was sexual addiction? Every single word of this post practically scream sex addiction. He had Playboys in the house, he had obscene material in their bedroom and had to use it as part of their marriage. This is not normal sexual experimentation. If you need to bring images of other people (besides your spouse) into the bedroom then you are a sexual addict. Please read the definitions of sexual addiction. It will be very eye-opening for you.

Michelle - thank you for shining light on this topic. From the age of 8 I was exposed to the Playboys in my Aunt and Uncle's bathroom...in the reading material basket, right next to the toilet. It absolutely affected how I thought about my uncle. Then, when I was 16, I found pornographic movies in my dad's TV case. I never felt quite "safe" with either of them after that. It wasn't that I thought they would do something to me, I just didn't like who they had become in my eyes. It was terribly disappointing. It also, as you described, introduced me to sexuality MUCH earlier than I should have been and I still have many of those images burned into my brain. On a positive note, it has made me very cautious about where and with whom I allow my children to spend their time. I know I can't protect them forever but I can be more vigilant than my parents were.

@Kim

Stop the male bashing! The author DIDN't find the porn hidden in her father's workshop or in the garage. It was found in her parents' bedroom, and it wasn't even hidden in the bedroom. Her mother wasn't innocent. If anything, both parents had sexual addiction, according to your definition.

Anonymous, there is no reason to make accusations. I am certainly NOT male-bashing and I would venture to guess that I know far more about and have years more experience dealing with the sexual addiction of others than most people. It is, indeed, primarily a male dominated addiction and and I was addressing the facts in this article - her relationship with her dad and how all of this affected her as a child and eventually a woman. Her mom was, indeed, complicit in the activity but, in my experience, it was probably a co-dependent attempt at saving her marriage. It wasn't right but that's *usually* what happens in these situations. However, yes, women do struggle with sexual addiction and it can be just as insidious and damaging, particularly because it is rarely addressed in our culture.

Guys, gals, please...
If you find yourself getting angry, then this article has probably hit home. Humbly, ask yourself why you are angry. Is there familiarity? Perhaps you have rationalized your hisotry of pornography or acceptance of it. Maybe there is nothing you can change about the past, but there is always something you can do about the present and the future. Pornography comes from the Greek word which means "evil" (pornos). Put away evil and the acceptance of evil; turn away from it. "Turning away" is called "repentance." When, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you turn away, you are blessed with forgiveness.

EFD, for some women, it is a visual issue. Many women are just as addicted to pornography as many men are. As a woman who is very visual and who struggled with a pornography addiction for many years, it is comments like yours that made it so hard for me to bring my addiction out into the open.

I was always told that "women aren't visual," "women want romance, not sex," and other such things. As a woman who got turned on by the male body and who could care less about romance but thought about sex all the time, I thought something was wrong with me. I was terrified that if I told someone no one would understand and I would get labelled a freak or worse. And as a girl attending a Christian school all the way from Elementary through high school, the extent of our sex ed was telling us not to tempt boys. The boys were taught how to deal with their sexual desires in a Christian way, but us girls were taught that we didn't want sex and that it was all our fault if men lusted after us.

For me, my addiction started at a very early age (around 9). I had already noticed that I liked watching the high school boys play sports, but I didn't understand what I was feeling. And then one day when I was at a friend's house, I stumbled across one of her mother's romance novels. My mother had some of those, but I had found them really boring. This one, though, had a shirtless man on the cover, so I decided to read it. This one was considerably more explicit than the ones my mother had. I snuck the book home with me and read the explicit parts over and over again, fantasizing about being in the scenes. When we would go to a bookstore, I would sneak over into the romance section and try to find a new scene that I could add to my fantasies.

When I was 12, we got our first computer with internet, and that is when I discovered pornography. Now I didn't just have to imagine stuff in my head. I could actually see it. By the time I got to high school, every spare second was spent either looking at porn or having sexual fantasies. I was going to every game of every male sports team at our school just to watch the boys play and fantasize about them. When we would go to the beach, I would spend my time watching for attractive men in swimsuits. Everything else in my life came second to my addiction.

It is only through the grace of God that I found a mentor while in college who understood and who helped me work on my addiction. Today, while I still struggle, I am mostly free from my addiction.

Pornography hurts everyone. It hurts the person who has the addiction, it hurts all of those involved in the making of it, and it hurts the families and friends of the addicts. Pornography addictions are difficult to get past, but they can be fought by the grace of God and through lots of hard work. I'm lucky that I didn't have any children that were hurt by my addiction, but I know I wasted so much time and I know it hurt the relationships with my family and the possible real, healthy relationships I could have had with boys/men in the real world.

Porn exploits the men who fall for it - it takes their money, time, energy and robs them of excitement in their marriages.

Porn is a wicked mistress. I struggled with it much of my life. I began seeking it out at the age of ten. By 36 I was a full blown addict. I would sneek out of bed at five in the morning to look online. Internet porn is like crack cocaine for a sex addict. It's mostly free and easy enough to find. Add facebook and an old highschool flame and now you have a recipe for the physical consumation of the adultery. Except for the grace of God, I would still be ensnared, but He arranged my exposure. On August 14 I will be two years "clean". And a wife who said she could never forgive that, has. And five children still have their father. I shudder at the thought of what damage I have done to them that I am yet unaware of. I pray that it can be undone.

The only way out is to see this sin for what it is and repent. For me a recovery program was (is) necessary.

Its unfortunate that many in recovery do not recognize sexual addiction as a real addiction. I hope that changes.

"she walks through the corn
leading down to the river
her hair shown like gold
in the hot mornin sun.
she took all the love
that a poor boy could
give her
and left me to die like
a fox on the run"

---Tom T Hall

Amanda,
May I respectfully suggest that you read David Stoop's book called "Forgiving the Unforgivable?" It has some real insight to forgiveness that I believe you are missing. Forgiving does not mean forgetting. It means learning and allowing that lesson learned to make us wiser. If Michelle just "forgot", she may make another unwise decision, such as allow her child to sleep over at Grandpa's house and risk her being polluted the same way she was. Reconciliation can only take place if the offending person has repented and changed, and even then, some precautionary measures need to be taken. Just because Michelle speaks of the offense, does not mean that she has not forgiven.

Thank you for writing this profound message, Michelle. I pray that the Lord will use it to open eyes and hearts, and bring many to repentance.

Esma, I too am a visual woman and have fallen into the pits of pornography. I started very young, finding myself attracted to the female body, and it was never about romance. For years during the first 6 or so years of my marriage, before I got saved, I couldn't reach climax with my husband unless I fantasized about having sex (not romance) with a woman. Right before Jesus found me, I had digressed to a level that I could only be "turned on" if the woman's body assumed certain precise proportions, and I was becoming increasingly anti-social, to escape to my world of porn and fantasy.
It was very much superficial, and I happily objectified women, including myself. I had no interest in romance with either men or women.

At a very young age I was repeatedly exposed to 'adult' material. My mother would make my brothers turn around during the sex scenes in movies, but because I was a girl it was "alright" for me to see naked bodies of women. This awakened my sexuality very early on. By the time I was seven or eight, I was enacting rape scenes with my Barbie dolls, and was addicted to masturbating to these kinds of misogynist fantasies.

My sexual appetites and desires had been entirely shaped by the sexual content in the media and in pornography. Consequent to this, as a vulnerable child, I experienced several instances of sexual abuse, all culminating in the ultimate form of sexual exploitation at 15 as I was prostituted off the street by an adult woman.
The men who used me didn't help me; they were too busy imposing their pornographic fantasies on me to care about the fact that a crime was being committed against me. They had been conditioned to see women as the object to their subject, and this I knew all too well.

Because of pornography, my sexual identity had been stolen from me, and I am still working to this day on discovering who God created me to be as a sexual woman and what healthy sexuality would look like. I am so tired of people crying "free speech and expression" when that speech and expression infringes on the right of safety and well-being for others. And I am also tired of this notion that women aren't as sexual as men are.

I also agree with some of what CAM said above: Pornography is not a "struggle" or a "problem"; it is rebellion and disobedience. It is sin. It is evil. And it aids and abets the trafficking of women and children in the epidemics proportions all over the globe that we are seeing today. When you use porn, you partake in the culpability of every young woman and child who is enslaved in some run-down brothel or on the corner of some seedy street under the iron fist of a pimp. I think the term "every man's battle" is very dubious for the reasons stated above. People need to acknowledge the gravity of their sin before they can be forgiven and be healed. Trying to normalize the sin (it is not normal) isn't helping anybody.

Thank you for writing this profound message, Michelle. I pray that the Lord will use it to open eyes and hearts, and bring many to repentance.

Thanks for sharing your story. It couldn't have been easy, but fighting against porn has never been more important now that it has become more common than ever.

I find this article full of complete crap. First, the title is completely misleading. She had no idea if her father was addicted. She doesn't know if it's something her parents enjoyed to spice up their love life on occasion. Not something they needed to make love, but something they used. This article screams of the same nutty status that drove thousands to destroy priceless works of art during the reformation, because of their indecency of a nude form. It's crap. A person can have an appreciation of of the nude form without any carnal desire to posses it lustfully. It's time protestants recognize that beauty need not be sacrificed for truth, you can have both.

Here's a better idea. Parents have locked drawers so your kids can't see your toys and aides. No kid deserves to see that that young. Kids, don't snoop in your parents stuff, you might find they have some blood flowing in their veins too.

I'm living proof that you can have a successful long term monogamous relationship and still have erotic excitement and aides accompany it

Actually Michelle, you may have been one of the lucky ones because when I was a child, porn used to be wrapped in dark brown paper covering because the Internet sold behind the counter. Nowadays the Internet makes it so easily accessible that a child of five could easily stumble upon it (even though they wouldn't understand what is, of course).

Also, addiction to porn is becoming for more and more prevalent as 10% of adults admit to internet sexual addiction (Source: http://findhisporn.com/learn) while the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that "...excessive interest in online porn was a significant factor in 33% of divorces in 2003".

I often wonder if the Internet isn't the "Mark of the beast" mentioned in the Book of Revelation; it's getting to the point where you can buy or sell anything without it. I'm just saying.

I never considered the impact pornography could have on children within marriage, only on the user's spouse.

This is a real problem. I have many people visiting my blog at http://newlifehabits.com looking for help. Glad there is more awareness even if it does take a celebrity to create the awareness.

I like your site, its such a nice information and i appericiate that.

Its such a nice site, i am the regular visitor of this web. Its very informative site.

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