Hermenuetics

Comments

Wow, what a hot topic this week.

It should be noted that NFP is not the only type of natural family planning (lowercase). The Fertility Awareness Method, for instance, does not require abstinence. As a practitioner, I can say that it's not just another thing for me to do, but is something that is so natural now that I would not even have to chart to keep track of my fertility. Now it's just like noticing if I'm hungry or tired.

http://www.lauraziesel.com/2011/07/birth-control-fertility-and-sovereignty.html

Posted By: Laura Ziesel | July 14, 2011 10:45 AM

Excellent post. Excellent.

Trying to conceive taught me many things, including humility, patience and submission to God's will. It took us four years to conceive our first child. It took us another four to conceive our second. Both pregnancies were extremely difficult, the second in particular left me disabled and on bedrest, unable to care for my then 3-year-old. I am still dealing with a severe case of post-partum depression that caused suicidal ideation and left me hospitalized. Thank God for his grace. Shortly after the birth of our second child, my husband and I decided on a "permanent" form of birth control.

I have two beautiful children whom I love more than I could ever have imagined. A third would be a gift (in the 1% chance that should happen), as are all children, and God would surely provide the strength that I would need to raise him/her. However, it would be beyond difficult. My belief, confirmed in prayer, is that my body and my soul would not be able to handle it.

People may judge, though it is not right or biblical for them to. In the end, it doesn't matter what they think, only what my husband and I have decided based on our understanding of God's will for our lives.

Ultimately, the decision, if there is one to make since infertile couples really have very limited choice if any at all, is up to the couple as they pray and seek God.

Posted By: Robyn | July 14, 2011 11:07 AM

Thanks for a balanced perspective on this controversial topic. As an engaged woman looking into options, I was incredibly frustrated and exasperated as to where to find reliable information on birth control options. My ob/gyn gave me misinformation and I even corrected her on one point. My pharmacist gave me another answer. My pastor another.

My husband and I have chosen against the pill, because we are just not comfortable with the ethical considerations of when life begins and how the pill affects this. I've learned to have these conversations with humility and not impose my decision on others, because the truth is we just don't know. I don't mind sharing why I chose my own method, but I won't dictate that it's the best choice for everyone. The mystery of how life begins keeps me from being dogmatic.

Posted By: Stephanie S. Smith | July 14, 2011 11:13 AM

I really appreciate this post. I am a married Christian using oral contraception, and I have had a few awkward conversations with people - loose acquaintances, not even close friends - who tried to convince me that NFP was the only righteous choice for family planning. For someone who earnestly wants to honor God and walk faithfully, I have to say it was really hard to be in a position where I had to defend my decision - which came after plenty of research, seeking counsel, and prayer. I am grateful you are allowing space for a conversation that acknowledges the possibility that contraception is also a righteous choice, in the context of a married couple who have prayerfully discerned that they are not ready for children.

Posted By: Christy | July 14, 2011 11:14 AM

Love this article. NFP isn't for everyone, nor should it be. A couple's choice of contraceptive measures should be between them and God.....no one else. Thank you for such a balanced approach to this hot topic.

Posted By: Kalyn | July 14, 2011 12:01 PM

Right on, Ellen. I especially loved this part: "If there is a lesson to be learned from the Patchin/Torode story, it’s not that NFP ruins marriages. Rather, perhaps it’s that humility is the number-one quality necessary for dialogue about how to live as Christians, and that we should not be too quick to either give or receive advice that hasn’t been tested by years of living and plenty of challenging discourse." Unfortunately, many times that humility only comes from the years of tested living. As one who has swung the pendulum on this topic and come out somewhere in the middle, I can say that we need to stop telling people emphatically how to live and start concentrating on how WE live. Excellent post, as always.

Posted By: Kim | July 14, 2011 12:20 PM

her calling is Motherhood not a writer that is last but motherhood is what he has called us who is chosen to bare his Godly seed!

Posted By: heaven | July 14, 2011 1:11 PM

My husband and I use NFP to a degree. We use condoms when I am fertile. I refused to take chemical contraceptives for my health. So this is my alternative.

Using NFP has really changed our attitude toward God, our family and each other. Just like you, I thought having unplanned children would be a "catastrophe" and "hard". I think there's truth in that! It would be a "catastrophe" for my carefully laid plans and a hardship to be less selfish.

As we've been using it these 5 years, we've come to see how God is causing us to grow spiritually as each child arrives. Granted, we haven't experienced an "oops!" baby. But learning that these children are our legacy has really changed our worldview.

Posted By: MelissaT | July 14, 2011 1:50 PM

Thank you for this post. I appreciate your reasoned, compassionate perspective. Seems like Patchin and Torode have taken steps in the reason and compassion direction as well.

I'm always sorry to hear of a painful divorce, especially when kids are involved. But I'm encouraged that it sounds like they've hung on to faith and are both continuing to seek out their vocations.

Posted By: Hannah | July 14, 2011 2:58 PM

I think the author should mention that NFP for Catholics is only permitted for certain reasons like health or financial issues. And I know I will never be able to use contraceptives in good conscious because my great-grandmother came from a family of 14 and her husband from a family of eight. Neither were the oldest by a long shot and if their parents had choosen to contracept at any point in their marriage it would have created a ripple affect and I probably wouldn't be here. And also, there exists a contraceptive mentality in our society that we can control everything now, down to the number of children.

Posted By: Janks | July 14, 2011 4:11 PM

I think this is such a sad story, and does bring up a discussion worth having. I'm a convert to Catholicism and while I truly believe NFP is a great system, I'm not sure I would've been able to practice it successfully as a Protestant because there just isn't a culture of support for it. Heck, I had never even heard of NFP until I was in college and my Catholic fiancé (now husband) told me about it! Also, I really don't think a couple could be happy using NFP with a contraceptive mentality. It has to go hand in hand with theological beliefs like being open to new life unless there's a really serious reason not to be, or yeah, it's going to lead to excessive abstinence and resentment between spouses.
I'm glad to see this being discussed though as I'd love for more non-Catholics to be aware that NFP isn't the old "rhythm method" but a science based fertility awareness method with high efficacy rates when done correctly!

Posted By: LH | July 14, 2011 4:15 PM

Thank you for this thoughtful post about a tricky issue.

Posted By: Jennifer Grant | July 14, 2011 4:24 PM

I'm child free...and God loves me as much as any mother.

Posted By: christine | July 14, 2011 4:48 PM

@Janks: My understanding is that NFP is acceptable for Catholics even for pregnancy timing and limiting family size, not only "health or financial reasons." At least, the Catholics I know who practice it have used it that way. If any Catholics posting here can shed further light on this question, I would appreciate it, as I am far from an expert.

Posted By: Ellen | July 14, 2011 5:05 PM

This is something I've continued to pray to God about for years. I'm glad to see a more comparative and understanding view of what different women and marriages go through as they are making their choice and evaluating how it is working for them.

I have always used chemical contraception. My husband travels a lot for work and schedules do not match up. If we used another method, we would honestly never be intimate. While we have chosen to stay that way at times, we have wrestled with staying with the contraception (despite the side effects as well). Right now, it makes sense to keep us together and stronger as a couple. God will lead and we will follow when he tells us.

I have to second Christy (above) in her Thanks to you for this post and I think her words bear repeating.

"I am grateful you are allowing space for a conversation that acknowledges the possibility that contraception is also a righteous choice, in the context of a married couple who have prayerfully discerned that they are not ready for children."

Posted By: Jennifer | July 14, 2011 6:12 PM

Well spoken Janks :)
Thank you for clarifying all the misunderstanding for everyone.
I don't have to type anything myself.

Posted By: Katelyn | July 14, 2011 7:31 PM

Sam Torode told The Times, “I am out of the business of trying to tell people what they should do".

Agree. It's a personal choice between a husband and wife. I will not criticize someone for using another method of birth control, and I don't expect to be lectured for mine. We have chosen something that works for us. It's not one-size-fits-all and really is no one else's business, so it's not open to discussion with anyone.

Whenever someone has tried to talk to me about it, I've smiled and said 'why do you need to know? That's between the two people in this marriage' or words to that effect. However, it has rarely came up - but I don't have to answer or justify.

Posted By: KP | July 14, 2011 8:49 PM

As a side note, my husband and I have been married for three months and we use electronic NFP called LadyComp. The author mentioned how NFP adds another task to a busy woman's day, which can be true. One of the many aspects of LadyComp that I love is that my husband and I share the task of our NFP. Our monitor wakes us both up at 6am every morning. My husband holds the monitor and gives me the thermometer, then we both go back to sleep. We would not use NFP if we did not have our electronic monitor. It's very easy to operate and I feel very secure in graphing my cycles. After five months of use, I high recommend it!

Posted By: Anonymous | July 14, 2011 8:51 PM

There were a few really crucial points that I found missing in this article. First that from the time of Christ to the 1930's every Christian denomination has strongly condemned the use of contraception. The most important questions to address are: is contraception biblical and is it truly loving? The answer to both is no, which is supported by Scripture, a biblical understanding of sexuality and marital love (an image of the Trinity and a sign of Christ's love for the Church), and the historical tradition of the Christian church's long-standing teaching on the topic. If contraception violates the very language of marital love (total self-giving), then it can only harm marriage. The divorce rate of couples using NFP is extremely low, something under 2%. Many oral contraceptives are abortifacients, which goes against core beliefs of many faithful Protestants who use the pill without realizing this. While many use the pill and other barrier methods with good intentions, you cannot change the very nature of the sexual act without experiencing radical consequences in the society and in married life.

Posted By: Julia | July 14, 2011 10:11 PM

Ellen,
Thank-you for the balanced, grace filled article. Whether a married couple chooses NFP or some other form of contraception is between them and God as is the number of children they have. We did not choose NFP which was the right decision for us especially with 2 difficult pregnancies & deliveries, as well as enduring very painful debilitating medical conditions throughout my entire menstrual years--I praised God for menopause. He gave us all the gift of intelligence, so it is imperative that we use our critical thinking skills and discernment whenever anyone insists that their opinions are God's will for everyone. When someone uses theological bullying, it's not from God but rather from a sinful desire to control others. To make one's personal opinions a litmus test to judge and condemn is no less than hubris. There was only one Person who had a direct line to the Father---and He's now sitting at His right hand.

Posted By: Rev. Carlene | July 15, 2011 4:11 AM

I think the subtext of this post is as interesting as the actual topic. When we are young, most of us think we knew more than we really do! Hopefully, life experience will teach us humility. Choosing to write a book about our youthful opinions, just makes that lesson more public.

Unfortunately, our culture values youth rather than wisdom, which is why a publisher would even consider publishing a book about marriage written by virtual newlyweds!

Posted By: Suzy | July 15, 2011 7:55 AM

I just wanted to echo Laura - you don't have to abstain if you want to practice a natural birth control method. FAM doesn't require abstinence, so there is no frustration for women when they most desire sex.

Also, I cannot stress enough that FAM/NFP involves very little work. Once you internalize the system it becomes second nature, and you don't even have to chart all the time. As someone who has been practicing FAM successfully for over a year, I spend less than 5 minutes for 10 days each cycle on FAM. That's it.

FAM is just simply a great alternative to hormonal birth control and barriers. There is so much misinformation about it it's sad. Even if you don't use it for contraception and conception, just read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" for the wealth of information it will give you about your cycle that you never learned in health class.

Posted By: NS | July 15, 2011 8:42 AM

Wow. As one past the stage when contraception is an issue, I'm amazed at this debate, but also encouraged that young women are seeking to think biblically about this in a way that my generation really didn't consider.

Posted By: Elizabeth L | July 15, 2011 11:39 AM

My husband and I have faithfully used various methods of artificial birth control during our 15-year marriage, and have experience two planned and two unplanned pregnancies. Needless to say, we are very fertile (despite my "advanced maternal age"--37). This has been a very good lesson in thinking we have much control, if any, over our family planning. While the risk of having a fifth child is a significant concern, I have become increasingly ambivalent about our use of birth contol, as I have learned to trust God's wisdom over my own. The phrase I first learned from Catholic blogger Rachel Balducci, "openness to life," resonates with me as we weigh the decision of whether to take "permanent measures."

Posted By: Jenn | July 15, 2011 8:03 PM

Dear Friends in Christ,

Some points from a Catholic perspective:

--Catholic teaching would not equate NFP with artificial contraception because there is a difference We can speak of using NFP selfishly, depending on a couple's intention, but it is misleading to say “using NFP as a contraceptive." Since contraception is an act--an act of unnaturally thwarting conception at a time when our bodies would naturally be open to conception, NFP used when avoiding conception is a “non-act”. So, it is a choice to NOT be intimate during the fertile time. It is important to distinguish acts and intentions. An intention can be blameworthy, but we need to look first at the act itself. This may seem to some to be a small point, but in reality it is extremely important--the end does not always justify the means, despite our best intentions.

--Catholic encyclical Humanae Vitae http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/paul_vi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae_en.html

w/ regard to limiting births:

“With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.” (Section 10)

“If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reproductive system and engage in marital intercourse only during those times that are infertile, thus controlling birth in a way which does not in the least offend the moral principles which We have just explained. ” (Section 16)

--Also John Paul ll's writings are extremely helpful to shed light on this topic
http://www.ewtn.com/library/papaldoc/jp2tbind.htm

--One other point for consideration is how all of us as the "body of Christ" impact society at large with our individual choices within our marriage. Think of all the attacks on marriage today in the forms of divorce, illegitimacy, cohabitation and now gay marriage.

One thought to ponder--
Couples choosing to use NFP, including those who find it difficult and/or who may dislike it, participate in a “great work.” They uphold civilization’s “marriage” culture. By respecting the unitive and procreative aspects of the marriage act, these couples impact marriage within larger society as a force for the good: they are the foundation for any real culture of life and efforts should be made to support them.

What does hold back the tide of attacks other than respecting and holding fast to the truth about the unitive and procreative unity of the marriage act?

Peace to you!

Posted By: MM | July 16, 2011 10:27 AM

For anyone who is ignorant of or unconvinced by the Catholic stance on sexual relationships, I suggest Love and Responsibility by the late Pope John Paul II (he wrote it before he became Pope so the author is listed as Karol Wojtyla). Finding fault in his argument is difficult at best and if nothing else the reader is provided with plenty of things to ponder with respect to the subject of marital love.

Posted By: Jamie | July 16, 2011 10:54 AM

I grew up Catholic and am now non-denominational Christian. And always growing up I had the same question I have today. If the heart of the problem with contraceptions is that it some way tries to "play God" by preventing what God had intended then where does that mentality stop? Meaning can't we also say that of Difribulators that bring your heart back from not working or epiderals that keep back some of the pain of childbirth that God punished womankind with after her disobedience in the garden? What about ALL the modern day technologies that, let's be honest, keep people alive who would've have otherwise died 50-100 years ago? Can't we then argue that all these things are thwarting Gods plan for someone to live or die? Or should we look at these modern day advancements (including modern contraceptives) also as Gods blessings and remember him for who He really is: An all powerful, omnipotent God whose power goes far beyond that of our feeble control. Everyone knows several people who have used modern contraception only to end up getting pregnant anyway. NOTHING is God proof! If God wants you to teach you something in life that REQUIRES you to have a certain # of children..then guess what...who tells God he can't have his way? In all of this argueing I just want us all to remember the TRUE God we all worship, and he is not limited or thwarted but anyone or Anything.

Posted By: Maria London | July 18, 2011 12:19 PM

Maria, I would say to your question regarding "modern day advancements" that these are ways to help individuals who are ill or who have a disease of the body get better.

When speaking of of contraceptive devices or hormonal birth control, these are used to change or thwart God's design for our healthy body which includes our fertility as if fertility were a disease--when in fact, our fertility is a gift.

Most of these contraceptives have side effects and some have adverse effects which can actually harm one's health, especially the pill.

You are right that despite the use of contraceptives, some still become pregnant. You are right, God is not thwarted, but He does give us free will and we are supposed to be good stewards of both our health and our spousal relationship and responsible parents. Those using contraception may have good intentions for their spouse and family, but they are separating what God has joined together -- unitive and procreative meaning of the marital act--this potentially impacts health and other areas for the couple and society (not making judgments -- just sharing in a discussion on the topic.)

Posted By: MM | July 18, 2011 3:59 PM

I realize that NFP and not their personal story is the main point of this post, but I was really troubled to learn about this couple's situation (guess I am behind on the times). I was a Boundless reader when I was in college and was very influenced at that time by the articles Bethany Patchin wrote about marrying young and having a family. I definitely felt like a second-class Christian woman when I left college without "landing a husband." I realize now that I should have sought advice on life from more experienced Christian women whom I respected. I guess I don't have much more to say that is positive in thinking about this but am thankful that God helped me to trust him enough to bring my husband into my life at exactly the right time for me and that I can trust him to help us know when is the best time to start a family as well.

Posted By: Julia | July 18, 2011 11:27 PM

What everyone should find particularly disturbing is the fact that there seems to be a unified effort among church institutions to silence the other side that sees birth control as wrong rather than letting it speak. When someone starts to make a good argument against it, or even talk about the possibility of its being wrong, comments are closed down. When translations of historical works like Calvin’s commentaries come along, what Calvin said on the subject is left out, as though his comments never existed. When the commentaries on the Church Fathers are brought to bear, their comments on the subject are left out. When creeds speak of the creation of the genders for the primary purpose of procreation, it is translated out of existence. And lo and behold, someone left a simple recommendation for those who assume that birth control is morally acceptable in the sight of God (no harsh language, no bashing, just a recommendation) and it is removed from the comments here. I find this to be scary, scary stuff. It is the stuff of brainwashing. I will leave the recommendation here again for anyone who wants to have a choice, the kind that knowledge brings, rather than be stuck with the only option the Empire gives you.

Bryan C. Hodge, The Christian Case against Contraception: Making the Case from Historical, Biblical, Systematic, and Practical Theology & Ethics (Eugene, OR: Wipf & Stock, 2010).

If your understanding is so solid, then why be afraid to let the other side speak? Or does your side need to deafen the ears of others to your opposition because it can't stand the test?

Posted By: JE | July 18, 2011 11:39 PM

@JE - Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm not sure what happened to your earlier comment. Comments are moderated by someone whose sole job is that, and writers have nothing to do with it. I actually think that those opposed to any Christian use of medical contraception have gotten quite a good chance to state their case here, and I appreciate it. As I hope was clear from my post, I have been open to talking about both sides of this debate and hearing what supporters of NFP have to say. Thanks for adding your voice.

Posted By: Ellen | July 19, 2011 4:35 AM

A wise woman once told me, all control is an illusion. The author would do well to realize that her cherished control over her fertility is not really there at all. God reigns, and the major question of anyone's Christian walk is, do you trust God? If God can't be trusted, then chemical or barrier birth control is the least of her worries. There is great freedom and joy unspeakable in knowing that the best plans we make are trash compared to what God has in store for us if we trust - and let go.

Posted By: Fresh Iced Tea | July 19, 2011 7:14 PM

It's always impressive to see how God "gives" us the gift we always want for ourselves. And how "hard" the other opportunities he gives us are.

Posted By: John Hinshaw | July 21, 2011 10:30 AM

I am so glad to hear that Sam Torode told The Times, “I am out of the business of trying to tell people what they should do." This is a 180-degree change from when he was featured with my co-author (of The Contraception Guidebook) on the FamilyLife Today radio program. At that time the Torodes’ “NFP is the only way” approach struck me as arrogant and ungracious. This more humble approach seems more in line with the Spirit of Christ on such issues.

I received a call several days ago from a guy trying to figure out if he should have a vasectomy in preparation for seminary. His wife has been told she should have no more children, and the combination of his ministry goals and her health issues suggested to them that a vasectomy may be a Spirit-led decision.

I think it’s interesting that in 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul suggests that some may choose to remain single for the glory of Christ. I think the same applies to limiting family size. Colossians also comes to mind: “Do all to the glory of God.” A missionary friend in China has limited his family size to three children, because he and his wife have already exceeded what is culturally acceptable there, and they could “lose a hearing” with their audience if they have more children. Couples going to seminary often avoid pregnancy so they can give single-minded devotion to preparing for ministry.

People who say it would be tough to have another child may not be at all selfish or wrong-minded on the issue. They may be good stewards to “count the cost” before building the house.

Posted By: Sandra Glahn | July 21, 2011 6:28 PM

Interesting that, in the thread above, no one seemed particularly grieved that Sam and Bethany have divorced. (forgive me if I missed someone's comment...it was a quick scan))
I find their divorce tragic. To see a couple begin with such bright-eyed enthusiasm for a Godly marriage, only to have it dissolve in chaos and conflict truly reveals how broken we are.
We Christians must be very careful what we publish. The watching world does not forget nearly so fast as we think. My prayers to the Father for Sam and Bethany and their kids, and may they yet reconcile and bring glory to the Father.

Posted By: Ockham | July 22, 2011 9:48 AM

In all of these comments, there is light and a deep yearning to know the truth and beauty of life and the gift of our freedom. Based on the assumption that Christianity Today has a readership of Christians (those seeking to know, love and serve Jesus Christ in the Spirit to the Father):

1. We've forgotten to MARVEL
Do you know the vast amount and types of cervical mucus that is produced in the female body in order to bring forth life?? Do we marvel at the changes of hormones that occur (yes, with wild swings, but a source of virtue to look beyond MY wants and feelings to serve the others)?? These may seem like burdens, but are gifts to serve another- the little child to come forth. But maybe if we don't marvel at these, we could ask if life is a burden or a beauty before our eyes.

2. God is love.
He is pure gift of self, pure openness to the Other/other. He is our model, guide, friend who waits for us to come to Him to receive from Him. We like to think what we are doing is to follow His will, but maybe we need to examine how we approach Him, the Almighty, All Beautiful, All Loving. Do I go seeking to be like Him- all giving and not receiving? All humility? The marital bed is just for this- as Karol Wotilya says in Love and Responsibilty. Each is to learn how to give to the other as person worthy of being dignified, not merely seeking their own pleasure. Sure NFP requires self-control, but what do we truly give to the other if we don't possess ourselves? Are we merely seeking to satisfy my pleasure or to avoid an inconvenience? A child is a product of the love between a man and a woman... are you loving? It is unfortunate to read that a child is a burden, an inconvenience to your schedule or financial acquisitions. They are the ones who often remind us that we are to become like children of our Heavenly Father- and how blessed we are to be cared for by Him in all our needs!

3. Contraception is a level 1 carcinogen, as classified by the World Health Organization
If you love someone, don't you want the best for them? My sorrow goes out to the woman who said her husband is away for work and so their schedules don't always matchup and so she is contracepting. What pain to think that you may be used for pleasure or convenience and not for who you are, a person free to choose for the good and beautiful and true= true intimacy, to be naked and not ashamed. Please see this posting about the WHO's classifying of oral conceptions and be open to what is being said, and to the lies you have been told so others may make $$$ off of you, off your "freedom" to choose over "your body", a body for which you are a steward...: http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/archive/ldn/2005/aug/05080803

May the God of all understanding open your hearts and minds to His love and plans for your life, which far exceed your own plans and dreams!!

Posted By: Jen | July 22, 2011 10:40 AM

I had personally struggled with the idea of contraception.

For the first 2.5 years of my marriage, I took oral contraception and thought nothing of it. Unbeknownst to me, it was also the cause of my depression. After figuring that out, I no longer wanted to use contraceptives as a whole.

My mood improved once the pill was out of my system and, with careful planning (keeping track of fertility), we became parents to a baby girl. I'm grateful that God gave us brains to use and the ability to trust Him with perfect timing.

Posted By: Marie | July 22, 2011 1:52 PM

I have changed my mind on this issue several times in 14 years of marriage. I was put on oral contraceptives for PCOS as a teenager (much to my dismay), and stayed on them for the first several years of married life.

When we finally "opened the door" to children (by stopping the pill), and began to pray for God's will, it took another three years to get pregnant. During that time I learned I was a carrier for a rare X-linked immunodeficiency disease, but we prayed for God's will and hoped for a girl. We had a healthy son.

When we decided to try again I became convinced that the rest of our reproductive lives should be governed by NFP. We prayed and tried to conceive a girl, and this time had a son born with WAS. After 6 months living 800+ miles from my husband and toddler, 18 months of home isolation, not to mention countless medications and hospitalizations, we decided that good stewardship of the two sons we have required more permanent birth control, so as not to put our family through this kind of difficulty again. My husband had a vasectomy this spring, and that has greatly improved our intimacy, reducing his frustration with the barrier methods we had used in recent years (when we were living in the same place, and when I was not spending the night in the hospital with our baby).

To some it might seem that we have sinned by preventing the birth of further children, but we prayerfully sought the Lord, and decided to just be grateful for the boys we have. I have been sad to think I will never be pregnant again, nor will I nurse another little one. But after the ordeal that has been the past two years (and my recent discovery that I need to be treated for cancer again - 4th time in 12 years) we are thankful to the Lord for His provision to protect our family.

I hope that we will continue to share opinions and extend grace to one another as we each answer to our spouses and to the Lord.

Posted By: Bree | July 23, 2011 7:41 AM

What about condoms? I would hope that I won't ever have to use the pill (ethical concerns), and I can't use NFP at this point (but I totally support it!)... but what about condoms?

Posted By: SaraL | July 23, 2011 10:58 PM

No offense, but wondering whether your children should wear seat belts or not is really unbelievable to me. God created humans with intelligence and various talents, and He expects us to use them. I cannot believe someone would risk their children flying through the windshield and dying or becoming permanently paralyzed from the neck down, etc. Do you also remove the headrests so there is an increased chance of paralysis in an accident? Do you tell your children to wear black at night as they walk along the road just in case a car might hit them and God means for them to die? My daughter got appendicitis (and it came close to rupturing) at the age of 8, should I have just let her die, instead of making use of the medical knowledge and skills that are available? My children have never once been without a seat belt, and I am very thankful that they don't think twice about buckling up before driving. One of my daughters, when she was 16, drove one night when it was wet and raining, and she ended up totalling her car, and it went into a ditch, landing on it's top. Thank God, both she and her passenger were safe and totally unharmed. But, we also made sure she had a car that was rated safe by a national consumer testing company, that it was a 4 door car, and not a convertible. Someday, when she buys her own car, she can buy what she wants, but as long as we're paying the bills (sorry to be trite), I'll do everything I can to help them live safely, and use common sense measures to preserve their health. God knows and has always known, exactly how and when we'll die, but living our lives using common sense would never be against God, it's using the brains God gave us. If it's not a habit with your children now, please start enforcing the seat belt rule for your entire family, it has saved many thousands of lives. If God wants you to "die in a crash" as you say, believe me, He doesn't need your help. God's will, will be done, without us helping Him. In the meantime, please use common sense and teach your children something that may save them from paralysis or death simply because of your negligence.

Posted By: Barbara | July 24, 2011 9:49 PM

@ Alyce

So you think a seat belt can "prevent' God? You worship a pretty small God.

Posted By: n | July 25, 2011 8:07 AM

Every time I see reference to the book "Open Embrace," I am flooded with a mix of emotions.

I first discovered the book my freshman year of college through reading the Focus on the Family college-geared webzine "Boundless." All my life I'd been skeptical of contraceptives (something about it just seemed ... wrong ... ). That wasn't indoctrination. I went to a protestant evangelical church that was pro-life but had no qualms with contraceptives. I developed the perspective on my own, but only really discovered the religious case for NFP by reading Open Embrace.

I had my then-girlfriend, now-wife read the book as well, and we were pretty well sold. Not only did we take NFP courses when we got engaged, we also made contact with the authors of Open Embrace and got to meet with them three different times when they took family vacations in a town near where I went to college. I thought these two had it all together, and my wife and I loved their kids.

It was 2006, a few months after I got married (and, being NFP users, my wife already being a month or two pregnant), we saw the statement on the Torode's website that essentially was a retraction of their endorsing NFP. This, of course, came after the couple basically had four kids in a row and were up against a variety of pressures (finances being one, but not the only, thing straining the marriage).

I kept in touch with both Sam and Bethany for years afterward. My wife and I continued practicing NFP up through late 2009. After our third child was born, I too "retracted" my theological stance that I had gleaned from both the Torodes and JP2. The ideology sounds great, but the reality of it is too hard. I've since had a vasectomy.

This all has had a profound impact on my outlook in life; in a sense, yes, it has "shaken my faith" (there's a nice clichéd phrase). Couple that with the Torode divorce in 2009, and I thought I'd made a series of bad decisions for myself and my family.

I don't know exactly where that leaves me. For the commenters sympathizing over the Torode/Patchin divorce, thank you. I've tried hard not to take sides in their situation, and tried to continue having conversations about life and raising children (only one of the two seems willing to continue having those conversations with me and my wife). I truly believe they are both individuals who wanted to serve and please God in all their decisions and somehow got lost in a rigid theology of the body that became its own idol. That's not all that split them, but it's a piece of it, yes.

For anyone considering NFP based on the Catholic / Orthodox theological argument, just be very AWARE of what you're committing yourself to and what the lifelong ramifications are. Don't become a parent just to make a point about what you believe. Living it is hard, hard, hard.

/rambling-post-end

Posted By: PG | July 27, 2011 9:03 AM

This is the best treatment of the birth control issue I have ever read. I am not married, but I have an illness which (like your disability) put my health and the health of an unborn child at serious risk were I to ever conceive. It seems that those who claim NFP or no birth control at all are the only biblically endorsed practices never thought of those who may not be healthy enough to have children. Birth control is a completely personal, individual decision between the couple and God.

Posted By: Kate {The Parchment Girl} | August 5, 2011 12:01 AM

Where's the stuff about seat belts coming from? I think I missed where it was first mentioned.

(Anyway, more on topic...at one point I was asking God if I should get sterilized before marriage and was a little bit surprised to "hear" something like, "Use birth control." Of course, I could very well have heard wrong, but it just confused me a little bit given the intense debates about contraception within the Church. This NFP thing does sound healthy, but I've been cursed with such obnoxiously high libido that I don't know how well I would handle marital abstinence. I mean...there's a person...RIGHT THERE...who's married to you and attracted to you...and that sounds far more difficult than keeping one's virginity secure as a shy single. In any case, I'd never choose a carcinogenic pill among all the birth control options out there; and at this point it looks like my method of long-term contraception is going to be the lack of interest from potential husbands.)

Posted By: Violet | November 23, 2011 11:13 PM

My husband and I have been using NFP for our entire marriage (6 plus years). We have 2 planned children. We are very fertile (or very lucky. Our children were both conceived in the first cycle in which we stop postponing a.k.a. abstaining during the fertile phase.) We also teach NFP. It is sometimes difficult to abstain, but it is also a gift. My feeling is that when couples can have relations whenever they feel like it, they lose something special. When used correctly, NFP is as effective as the pill and more effective than most other contraceptives. Also, it has no negative effect on my body (unlike the pill) and will not prevent me from having children when I want to. When you use birth control, you are completely removing God from the equation. You are telling Him that you know better than He does. You need to trust that God will take care of you and not give you more than you can handle.
It seems to me that all of you who use contraception already understand this inherently, which is why you are making these comments to try to convince yourselves that you are right and excuse your use of contraception.

Posted By: EH | January 25, 2012 3:31 PM