Hermenuetics

Comments

Marlena, your wisdom always is an encouragement to me. I cannot thank you enough for the countless times we've talked about relationships, engagements and marriage. You've helped steer me to making a good decision. This is exactly why I asked you to be in my wedding. :)

Posted By: Callie | August 24, 2011 8:55 AM

Wise words, Marlena! Your reasons (nos. 5 & 6) are spot-on. I knew I would marry my husband when I realized that I didn't need to make excuses about who he was in any way--you know, those little justifications to answer nagging doubts. Additionally, a wise counselor told us to use the engagement period to truly make sure this is what we wanted to do (rather than simply wedding planning or time to be wished away)--advice I took seriously and have repeated often!

Posted By: Rachel Stone | August 24, 2011 9:31 AM

Love it! Absolutely true! If there are misgivings early on (Christian or not), those things are definitely NOT going to just "get better."

I would also add that (depending on the definition),"nice, Christian guy" may be setting the bar a little low at times. I was single for 12 years after college, and I had tons of well-meaning friends who always had a friend, son, nephew, or someone (for one woman, it was a particular delivery guy who regularly came to her house) they thought I should meet. Because I was on staff at a church at the time, I guess they knew that "being a Christian" was important to me, so they would describe all these wonderful attributes (good job, money, looks, etc.) of these guys, and then throw in at the end, "...and I think he even goes to church!"

I always wanted to say, "Well, dare to dream! He EVEN goes to church?!!!" Sorry, I was looking for (and eventually found) a guy whose faith goes far beyond Sunday mornings. If your guy's faith is not as important to him as yours is to you...keep looking.

Posted By: stacie | August 24, 2011 9:37 AM

Marriage is a two-way street, like going into business with someone; if there are any doubts at all, I think we should heed those doubts and give them serious consideration. Where Christianity is concerned, it seems that Christians should never take lightly the idea of going into a marriage union; it should be life with someone we love, admire, respect, feel comfortable with on every level, and who, to put it in English terms, is our best mate! Anything less than this, and we are probably heading for a fall.

This isn't just a woman thing by the way; it's a human thing! Men feel the same insecurities as women, but we handle them or approach them in different ways; usually by going to the pub! Seriously, we need to be honest as Christians why we want to marry someone; if it's for any other reason than genuine heartfelt love, it probably won't last the test of time.

Posted By: Tim Childs | August 24, 2011 9:41 AM

1. I agree that this goes for men too, not just women. I made that mistake while in seminary, and should have broken off the engagement, but how would that have looked?
2. I think the problem today is being aggravated because of the latest rage among college Christians of only "dating for marriage." So now, if you decide to date, you are only doing it so that it leads to marriage. But the trouble is that if you find out a few months down the line that this person is not someone you really want to marry, does this not inherently invalidate your dating? And if you are surrounded by other Christians in college who also reinforce the idea of only dating for marriage, does this not increase the pressure to marry the one you have been dating even if you are having serious doubts? I predict that we are going to see a lot more divorces over the next five to ten years from this group of college students. It may be true that the dating scene needs to be reexamined by Christians, but I don't think that this is the way to do it.

Posted By: JK | August 24, 2011 11:16 AM

Thank you for articulating so well what I went through when I was 20. Reasons 5 & 6, and even #4 with a big dose of fear prompted me to marry the wrong guy. And it took me 10 years to work up the courage to end it. Fortunately, there were not children involved. When you are quaking in your shoes at the though of marrying someone, don't get married! That is not a healthy sign. You know something is wrong and you are blowing past or ignoring the road blocks. I was a gone-astray Christian girl who got side-tracked with a fun, worldly and very selfish guy. Ladies, never, never, never stray outside your faith to find a guy. It will make you both miserable.

I am happily married now (17+ years and going strong) to a wonderful man, a Christian, who is active in his faith. We are compatible in our faith and in almost every other aspect of our lives. Don't overlook those other aspects either because they are so important. This author was right on the money when she stated that being a Christian isn't enough. All the other things still matter too.

Posted By: Lorrie | August 24, 2011 11:18 AM

You read that John Stott article too? Marlena Marlena, great minds think alike.

Do you think these reasons for marrying in spite of red flags have something to do with misteaching (whether explicit or implicit) in the Church? If so, what are they?

Posted By: Lyndsey | August 24, 2011 12:39 PM

Great article and so very needed! I think you hit the head on the nail with the line at the top that reads "Why 'he's a really great, godly guy' is not enough." As well as mentioning your own turmoil over breaking off an engagement because of how it might have hurt the other person- I think that, when we realize we're dating the wrong person for us, we become stressed at the thought of breaking up because of 1) how the other person is going to be hurt and 2) how others are going to judge us in a very negative light due to the social stigma of being the one to actually break up with someone. As someone who can relate to this story, I'm really glad you wrote an article addressing this point. When we look at others and their relationships and cast out our judgement and disdain on something like a person for breaking off a relationship, we're only perpetuating a cycle that could "scare" us into making the wrong decisions because of social pressure. We should love both parties in a breakup so that they can continue to grow. Thanks for writing about such a rarely discussed topic.

Posted By: Danielle | August 24, 2011 1:23 PM

As a pastor, I have regrets about having married certain people to each other. I don't know why a ple of other pastors have not jumped into these comments. Perhaps embarrassment holds us back.

This advice is spot on. It is truly important!

Posted By: Pastor Eric J. Hanson | August 24, 2011 1:27 PM

This is an extremely important topic - one I stress to young people in my life. After our commitment to Christ, there is no more profound commitment we can make. It affects EVERYTHING. Better to be single and trust God to let healthy relationships develop in our lives in His timing rather than take a risk. I know....because this was my own mistake at one time and the repercussions continue years later. One must be so secure in their primary relationship with Christ, that the ticking clock, etc. cannot be heard or be part of the equation at all.

Posted By: Mary | August 24, 2011 1:57 PM

I picked (a). I stood at the entrance to the church aisle and couldn't go forward. I knew it wouldn't work. But many people had driven a long distance; my mother had worked very hard on the dress, cake and flowers; I thought it was just cold feet; and I didn't want to hurt the groom (although I have wanted to many times since) or his family. It was a terrible mistake. During the first year of our marriage he met the love of his life. As far as reasons to get married, I don't think any Christian (or at least a very, very small percentage) goes into a marriage thinking that if it doesn't work out they can divorce. I'd say 3 & 5 were my main reasons and 5 was his. I didn't know about his longterm affair and we stayed married long enough to have 2 wonderful daughters (and now 3 grandchildren), but eventually he left and I have been single for 26 years. I would be terrified to ever try marriage again.

Posted By: muse | August 24, 2011 1:58 PM

This is really excellent. Thank you for pointing out that being single is not a bad thing. I am thirty years old and have wanted to be married my whole life, but I am not unhappy in my singleness. I'm contented being single and hope I will remain contented whether I marry or stay single. I also hope others can come to experience the same contentedness.

Posted By: Christy | August 24, 2011 2:12 PM

Great article, Marlena. I would add one more reason: bad advice from others who should know better. "He's nice and he cares about you and he's a Christian! What more do you want? You're just being picky, and putting too much emphasis on your own feelings. Feelings are untrustworthy anyway."

So many young Christian women have been told some version of that, and the results can be disastrous. Thank you for countering all that bad advice with this sensible piece.

Posted By: Gina | August 24, 2011 2:13 PM

Thank you for your honesty and for sharing something so many have experienced! I think another reason is that many people are not connected into deep community and don't have that support or wisdom to help them through.

Posted By: Kristin | August 24, 2011 2:16 PM

@Lyndsey - Does this happen beacuse of bad teaching in the church about marriage? I think you're on to something. Maybe a better reason is insuffiencient discipleship (although unforeseen things happen in life and marriage so the burden can't be fully placed on the church...there is individual responsibility). The church doesn't mean to perpetuate bad teaching of course. And so many churches have pre-marital counseling and marriage seminars. There is so much good out there. But, I wonder if we need to show what Christian maturity looks like and not just preach "no sex before marriage"? One might not be having sex before marriage yet still be selfish, greedy, stubborn, angry impatient etc. It's be nice for couples to have mature mentors their first few years of marriage, not just pre-marital counseling or mentors. They need to be discipled. I guess, I think really learning how Jesus would live each of our lives if he were us, being Jesus' apprentices, would go a long way in helping out. Developing honest and loving and accountable Christian communities...having relationships in community would help. I certainly don't know all the answers! I can offer some crumbs of advice. But, I've only been married eleven years.

@Gina - so true! I am glad you said it and wish I would've included it. Thank you, at least it is in the comments. Bad advice from others is definitely part of it. We must very carefully weigh the advice given!

Posted By: Marlena | August 24, 2011 3:09 PM

A pastor I know does "pre-engagement" counseling for couples who are seriously dating and considering getting engaged. He thinks that once you've gotten engaged, it's really hard to break it, even when there are red flags. (As many people here have noted.) All the red flags are probably present prior to engagement, too, so he sits down and counsels them.

Posted By: Laura K. Droege | August 24, 2011 3:38 PM

This is such an important article for singles. I was single for longer than I would have chosen, but I am so thankful for the peace in knowing that I was marrying the person God had chosen for me when I walked down the aisle. It was true for me that in other relationships there was always a nagging tension in my stomach that something wasn't quite right. But with my husband I didn't have that at all.

I am very passionate about the fact that singles and especially older singles are not being discipled enough by the church, mentors, friends, and married people. We have to stay in community with single adults and not "fear them" so that they have guidance and companionship and ultimately better marriages if and when the time comes.

Thank you for your article!
Brenda

Posted By: Triple Braided | August 24, 2011 4:13 PM

Marriage and family have become an idol in a lot of Christian circles to the point that we disregard good sense and God's guidance to pursue.
They are wonderful things but the church needs to stop elevating them as the highest calling women can achieve. I believe this is the messed up teaching a lot of women receive from the church. Our highest calling is to follow Christ and his direction. I have seen many women get married and have children at a rather young age and regret the decision NOT because they resent marriage and motherhood BUT because they ignored God's direction that was telling them that this was not the time or season for it. They actually lost out on blessings by pursuing things out of God's order.

Posted By: Kara | August 24, 2011 4:44 PM

I think too that people who are near to couples and who have doubts about their friend's/relative's relationship need to speak up. It is quite possible that the bride or groom is so sucked in that they are in denial that anything is "not right." I think some of my friends had doubts, but no one said anything. I wish they had.

Posted By: Anonymous | August 24, 2011 11:14 PM

How many countless times over the years have I heard that "love is a decision," not a feeling. Very true - until it's not (a decision or true). If in fact marriage is to be an icon of God's love for us, it has to go deeper than "decisionism," or any reductionist view of love, faith, humanity and so forth. It has to be wrapped somewhat in mystery ("chemistry," eh?) and it must speak of freedom, not license, but the ability to act fully as mature men and women of faith, with our Incarnate Lord as our head.

Posted By: Peter | August 25, 2011 2:31 AM

So, what do you do when you were in situation number one, had the doubts, etc., but went through with it anyway? My marriage is now really suffering and has taken the life out of me. I know it should not be this way, but it is so hard. I daily think back on my hesitations in the first place and kick myself that I ignored them because I really just wanted to be married. I'm stuck now.

Posted By: Laurie | August 25, 2011 6:24 AM

I have a friend who has postponed marriage until she was very sure, which was very wise. The couple were very happy for a few years, and then they went through a bit of a rough patch because of the same differences that made them delay getting married in the first place.

They are doing well now, due to the fact that she decided to keep loving and to work on the marriage. It take communication and commitment.

I think whenever you feel that 'you are stuck' you should not keep wishing you did otherwise. I think God can help people become one even if they are 'mismatched' as it were. It helped me to think that in the old days matchmaking was not done by the two people getting married, but by parents etc. Somehow they had to work with the 'given' as it were. And in a way that's what all of us have to do, hardly any match is completely perfect.
May God give us the grace, the love and patience with each other.

Posted By: Ioana | August 25, 2011 7:03 AM

Good article. My daughter called off her wedding to a minister before it was too late. The signs started to surface that this ministers character was not of the Lord nor did he have my daughters interest or well being in mind. He was controlling, demanding and critical of her family and friends (isolation). My daughter was hurt. She went through a period of coming against the institution of marriage. But I thank the Lord that now she sees things a little bit better. Marriage is beautiful when you find your mate. The lord knows what each of us has need of. Let patience have her perfect work.

Posted By: Jeanette | August 25, 2011 7:43 AM

I have been happily married for 37 years and when people ask for advice about getting married, the first thing I say is that if you have any serious doubts, don't do it!

As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, so if we are listening, we will know when we are making a bad decision.

Great article and very timely! Thanks!

Posted By: Suzy | August 25, 2011 8:01 AM

Thanks for this article and for discussing the topic. We had an open forum last sunday with the youth and this topic was touched on briefly. I now have some material to help reintroduce the topic in depth. How tragic to 'drive on'even when the road sign says stop/give way. I thank God for his holy spirit for flashing the red sign when things are suggestive of danger ahead. How many times do we ignore those promptings that are written "..and you shall hear a voice behind thee saying, this is the way walk ye in it. Do not turn to the left or to the right......"

Thanks for the piece!!

Posted By: jennifer | August 25, 2011 9:30 AM

Wow-this article really hit home for me. I was introduced to a Christian guy years ago. We had nothing else in common and I did have bad feelings about our relationship even after we were engaged-down to the wedding day. My family practically begged me not to get married. They knew it was not going to work. But I didn't listen-I wanted to be married and deep down I wanted to prove them wrong. Thirteen years later we are still married and I would not trade my precious children for the world. They are the only reason I would do it all over again. I too feel "stuck" in a marriage that I honestly feel is more work than it's worth most of the time. On the other hand, as they say, I made my bed now I guess I have to lie in it.

Posted By: Anonymous | August 25, 2011 10:31 AM

"S/He's a Christian" is NOT a good reason to get married. A couple needs shared goals and values, compatible communication, and passion as well. Marlena, I sure hope some of those college students listen to you!

My relationship with my now-husband was sort of a love-at-first-sight whirlwind for my husband, who told me on our second date that I was the woman he wanted to marry. FREAKED ME OUT. We went to counseling together after 1 month of dating--I guess it could be considered "pre-engagement" counseling--at my insistence due to my apprehension at his certainty. And we discovered that we were exceedingly compatible. As I fell in love with him--a slower process than for him, obviously--I knew not only that he was a "nice, Christian guy," but both that I loved him and that we could make it work. We got married 7 months after we met.

Ten years later, I have no regrets. Our story worked out. I have many, many friends who married for the reasons listed in the post whose stories, sadly, have not. My friends admit that they knew they shouldn't have married before they ever did. It's heartbreaking, and it's just not worth the future pain one will endure to spare oneself from the present pain it might cause to break off an engagement or pre-engagement type relationship.

We have had some really, really hard circumstances occur, including infertility, illness, and financial loss. Actually we are in the midst of dealing with one of us diagnosed with a serious illness that has taken a toll on both of use. And the end is not yet in sight. We haven't always been "happy" or completely in tune with one another. Our basic compatibility and shared committment to God and each other has meant that we remain in love.

The opinions of wise family and friends should matter! They can often see facets of relationships that those involved can't. They know the participants better than the participants know one another. In the case of my marriage, our parents actually set us up on a blind date, so we pretty much knew they thought we were compatible. I encourage those who see danger in a relationship to SPEAK UP! Even if you are ignored, you will have spoken for the best interest of your loved one.

To those already married to the "wrong person," see if you can get into counseling? Maybe both on your own and with your spouse?

Posted By: Robyn | August 25, 2011 1:50 PM

I disagree with T Childs in that "dating for marriage" should be faulted. Dating for marriage doesn't automatically going to lead to marriage. But if you are dating to see if it will lead to marriage and if doubts come or it is clearly seen they are not compatible then the relationship should be ended for the health and dignity of both individuals. I think if we do see an increase in divorce I think it would be from the same issues listed above that aren't being dealt with even as people try to "date for marriage". I don't see the benefit of being in a romantic relationship with a person I don't see any potential in marrying. In my book that is what friends are for.

Posted By: carrie | August 25, 2011 2:00 PM

Great article. Regarding singles, if the church actually spent a modicum of effort mentoring adult singles, there may be fewer people finding themselves in these situations. Marriage counseling should begin before the first date.

Posted By: Anon | August 25, 2011 2:05 PM

@ Peter I would say if you our in category #1 I would say that you would have to repent for not listening to your heart or the Lord. Then ask the Lord how you can fully love the person you committed to marry for better or for worse. Even couples who are deeply in love and have full confidence of God's selection for their mate have to make the choice to love even when the feelings are not there. Fortunately for us even when we make a mistakes this is not the end. God promises to work things out for our good and in the end once you make the commitment she is the right person for you. God hates divorce and He will provide a way for you to have a full and meaningful marriage.

Posted By: Carrie | August 25, 2011 2:59 PM

Woow froze all this. But when God puts the right person there is no doubt .. But when there is no doubt that red flag and to talk to God first ..

Posted By: Lizzy | August 25, 2011 3:24 PM

Well, I kind of think the title of this article to be misleading to the content of the article. It's not a matter of marrying the "right Christian" but rather the "right guy". What if the guy is not yet a Christian? Then the same suggestions all apply. It's a pretty universal suggestion for everyone. Many people face those same excuses for going on with a marriage in recognition of a red flag.

Posted By: Jen | August 25, 2011 7:00 PM

I have been married 29 years this October to a professed Christian husband. The problem was I DIDN'T see red flags. I had blind spots. And I'm in the group of women married to "church leaders" who have used porn and been unfaithful in various ways. Statistically, we are not rare.

My advise to my daughters has evolved. No longer do I think the appearance of "godliness" counts for much. They should look for love and respect, including a willingness to receive correction from a woman and get off the train tracks which go over the cliff. A lot of professing Christian men have bought into a theology that gives them permission (if not a mandate) not to listen to (women including) their wives.

Posted By: Charis | August 26, 2011 9:47 AM

@Anonymous God bless you. Your courage is inspiring. 2 Cor 1:1-7

I married the "wrong" man 20 years ago and am living proof that you can be pretty darn happy with the wrong person. When you really get down to it, we are all "wrong" people, right? (Romans 3:23 for example) God is so gracious that he blesses and empowers his holy institution of marriage, even in a broken world. The biggest proof I have of this my 3 children. Beautiful miracles, all of them, conveyed to me on the faulty vehicle of an imperfect marriage between two imperfect people.

Posted By: anonymous2 | August 26, 2011 12:49 PM

It would be worth exploring further the idea of "How do you know?" if someone is right for you. I am one who thinks marriage should be encouraged for young men and women, but if we're going to encourage, let us also equip. (And, of course, you don't always "know" perfectly, but there are risk factors and also green lights.)

Posted By: Elizabeth | August 26, 2011 12:59 PM

Reasons 5 and 6 are only a hint at the problem. Sex makes it way harder to leave the wrong man. God designed sex hormones as emotional super glue to keep marriages together. Like real super glue, when you glue the wrong thing there is no elegant way out. So how to avoid marrying the wrong guy? Don't have sex before marriage.

Then I would suggest meditating on Eph 5:22-24. The proverbial "wives submit" passage. If submitting to this man makes you cringe then you probably should not marry. If you feel it would be OK because he would never abuse such a power then you are good to go. It is best to assume your worst fears in this area because there will be days when that is pretty close.

Posted By: Randy | August 26, 2011 3:00 PM

Wise words. I wish a few of my friends had seen this advice as they were entering into relationships obviously not right, but which they pushed into marriage anyway. I pray others' lives are spared the heartache of bad relationship through your words.

Posted By: Jenny | August 27, 2011 8:35 PM

Thirty-five years ago I married a good Christian man from a good Christian family because I put out a number of "fleeces" which came back positive (including the fleeces that various members of my family would independently tell me that this was the man for me, that he would request to pray with me daily etc). After the fleeces all came back positive, he broke up with me saying it would never work, and I was actually relieved because I had some serious misgivings about the tone of our relationship. I began to pray that he would never again try to re-establish our relationship or propose it God had other plans for me. Instead he proposed out of the blue a month later, and, again taking this as God's guidance, I agreed. A short and somewhat painful engagement has been followed by a long and very painful marriage, with significant incompatibility emotionally and spiritually, but compatibility intellectually and in terms of ministry vision.
However, all the things I had hoped most to do with my life have come true, both in terms of ministry and in terms of children and grand-children. Both his family and mine have been a blessing to us in spite of the difficulties of our marriage. Our marriage has slowly improved with much hard work and some books specifically helpful to women in controlling marriages, which I wish I had read the first year instead of a decade and a half into trying to make him happy.
The most important lesson I have learned is that, no matter how difficult your relational circumstances, single or married, seek God and be the person he created you to be, completely in love with and committed to Him. No one can stop you from blooming if you have "only one master" and that our wonderful Lord Jesus. God saw that Leah was not loved by her husband, and so he made her fruitful, but she "missed" the sign of his grace and love toward her, calling her sons things like "maybe now my husband will love me," because she was still looking for her source of love and strength to be her husband.
Although I would have preferred an easy loving fulfilling marriage, I still believe that God may have led me into this marriage for both my own good and the good of my husband, and for what he wanted to do through us and through our children. As God said to me once when I was lamenting my marriage to Him, "you said once that you would even be willing to go to prison for My sake... but a hard marriage you will not do for me?" And on another occasion He said, "what if this is not 'all about you'? but there are other things I am trying to accomplish?"... and yet another time when I was sighing saying "I am dying on the vine.." Jesus reminded me "I am the vine..." in other words, He is my source of life not my husband or my marriage.
Before I could grow, I had to forgive God for "getting me into this" and focus on fixing my relationship with Him first, not with my husband first.
I hope this is of help to those of you who are already married in spite of having had grave doubts, and wondering if you should bale or seek God's help in the midst of troubles.

Posted By: no regrets now | August 28, 2011 3:30 AM

There are a lot of thoughtful comments here regarding difficulties in marriages due to lack of character or weakness of faith in the spouse. But to reinforce the author's original point, sometimes it isn't a weakness of character or lack of faith that makes the match a poor one. Sometimes the guy or girl is a perfectly nice, respectable Christian and that can be where the danger is. Because there isn't anything wrong with the person, a woman, say, may feel compelled to marry that man even if he is wrong for her. Or well meaning church-goers or friends who want everyone evenly coupled up may push someone toward marriage to a great guy who still isn't right for that girl.

I think of a friend of mine who some in our church thought I should have married and he even started believing it himself after awhile. Even though there are significant reasons why we shouldn't be married, at the end of the day, he's a nice guy and a Christian. He is quite unsuitable for me, however, for one because he's very needy and I'm independent and I know I'd become resentful of him after awhile. I know I need someone with strength similar to mine in this way. These are things to think about too, not just whether or not he of good character.

Posted By: Anon | August 29, 2011 11:48 AM

There is a large danger in "dating for marriage" and "courting", as they too often lead to marriages that should never have occured. A backwards argument arises that states" Dating is only for marriage and since I am dating him/her I guess that means we are supposed to be married!"

After 33 years of being married to my best friend and prayer partner, I am hardly suggesting indiscriminate "serious" dating. There needs to be time together in groups to see if someone is who you think they are. You can learn lots from how he/she treats other, especially people like wait-staff and housekeepers. Then, and ONLY then should one-on-one dating occur. But dating is designed as a chance to get know one another, without being sexually involved. Many "red-flags" show up even at this level that mean NOW is the time to break it off and try again...not after the wedding is planned.

And yes, there are many things worse than being single...and being committed for life to the wrong person may well lead the pack.

Posted By: Pattie | August 29, 2011 12:59 PM

Just read this article today. I saw red flags myself after I got engaged ( which some saw before it ) but I kept pushing on thinking that it would eventually work out. To my consternation, he was the one that broke the engagement four months to the wedding date!The pain and shame were so much. But now I evn though I'm still single, I'm glad we didn't get married. I don't belive in divorce and so I would have probably lived through hell!

Posted By: Dodis | August 30, 2011 9:33 AM

I like the article and think the point it makes is worth making.

However, I have some difficulty with the idea of marrying the "wrong" person, since I do not believe there is any such one.

One ought not to marry for all of the reasons listed, but holding back from a wrong decision does not make the other person "wrong, since they are probably better suited to someone else. Or to put it another way, your "poison" could very well be someone else' cup of tea.

My mother used to say "every piece of cloth in the store has its owner". The same, I believe, can be said for every individual when it comes to marriage.

In marriage, as in all life, choices may be wrong, but not people.

Posted By: Steve Skeete | August 31, 2011 3:49 PM

The article makes a good point in that compatibility is important. But it should be balanced with the acknowledgement that a marriage relationship is often hard work. Problems will arise and we shouldn't see them as reasons that the other person is 'wrong' for us.

Overall it probably depends on what the issues are and how willing the other person is to work with us in resolving them.

Posted By: First Time Poster | August 31, 2011 10:53 PM

Great article, but I also know a few girls/men who's definition of "red flags" are also pretty dumb. And they shouldn't get married because they can't forgive their spouses.

Posted By: Biki | September 1, 2011 3:01 PM

I have heard it said once "Before you are married, the one you are dating may be the wrong person to marry, after you are married, God has made you Husband and Wife, one flesh. And he/she is exactly the right person." And let no one break asunder. The problem with many Christians is their mind is often confused by premarital sexual contact of any kind (even "just kissing"), which naturally leads to more "contact" before marriage. And as such the relationship has become a mutual desire to please one-selves, not God and His expectations for us. If the woman is willing to submit to God, fully, she will submit to the man God gave her to be her life's companion. And likewise, if the man does his job and follows Ephesians 5:25-28, that leadership enables his wife (if she really wants to please God first) to follow Ephesians 5:22-24 for herself, God and her husband. Then questions from the woman regarding "whether she married the right guy", become disobedient complaining about God's provision for her. Truly submitting to God's will with a thankful heart will result in being thankful for her husband.

Posted By: Gene Douglass | September 3, 2011 3:57 AM

I have a friend, a pastor's wife, who saw it as her job, whenever her husband was performing a marriage, to ask the bride: "Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? It's not too late to back out." This was even as the bride was ready to walk down the aisle. I think she saved several couples, etc., lifetimes of grief through this too-rare ministry. 

Inspired by her, I once performed similar services for a good friend. The wedding was still a good few weeks away, but she expressed uncertainty. "You can change your mind any time. You don't have to go through with this," I kept telling her over a period of time. She overcame her doubts and proceeded to marry (and have a good marriage). But she told me that my reminders really gave her a lot of freedom. She moved on because she was definitely sure, not out of obligation, feeling bad, etc. 

This is something maybe more of us could do for our dear ones, both men and women.

Posted By: SIR | September 5, 2011 12:54 AM

This post reminded me of how I ignored the red flags I saw and felt in my relationship. I was very insecure and not walking closely to God at the time so I latched onto my now husband and decided it would get better once I married. That my husband would open up to me and share himself with me. Now, I struggle a lot in our marriage. However God has used it and our children in my life so much. I have learned that with Christ we can be happy--but He must be my first Love. Oh and I so appreciate the comment from Jenny about how God will use the difficulties of marriage to grow us. Oh and those other comments that mentioned how we are to seek to grow where God's placed us and not become weary doing good. We must not take the bait of Satan and get discouraged even if we have ignored red flags and are in a challenging marriage. GOD uses even our mistakes for His glory--but may we each day seek to follow Him and die to our flesh and live to please our first Love. Happiness comes from that!

Posted By: Anonymous | September 5, 2011 7:18 PM

I always break up. I end every relationship I'm in and that's what scares me. I date nice guys. I often know from the beginning that they are not the one, but I date them anyway because I'm attracted to their personality or character or talent or their attraction to me. *sigh*
Then I met someone. I was hormonal at the time and intensely wanted companionship (not sex) like I usually get around my time of the month, but my time of the month hadn't come and wasn't coming, so I figured maybe the feelings I'm feeling ARE real? We were compatible in so many ways, he was the first guy in a long time that I was attracted to spiritually, we had so much in common. Then it happened. As we were talking, I kept hearing the word "husband" in my head/ spirit. More than once. I had never had this happen before. Btw, we met online. We finally met in person and he didn't look like what I expected. I knew he was older than me, but he looked even older than that and he wasn't in good shape. Still, while he wasn't wanted, my feelings for him were the exact same. I was still attracted to him because I had already fallen in love with him. He's the only guy that met everything on my list w/ the exception of how he looked which was never a big thing on my list anyway... except for 2 things I believe God revealed to me about my future husband as I was growing up [He met the other things that i heard God say 1. he would be attracted to me and this man actually loves my premature gray hair and the thighs I hate so much. 2. I don't remember the exact wording but it had to do with me being married at 30...he proposed to me a month before my 30th bday, but I wasn't ready then. Still we believed we'd get married w/in the year.] The things he didn't meet however are these:
1. My husband would be handsome/ desirable... (well I know many women who wish they could be treated & loved like he does me, but I just took the handsome part and added "to me")
2. I would be a pastor/preacher's wife... He does not want to go to into the ministry - ever. He doesn't feel comfortable with me thinking about doing full time ministry. (Initially I just assumed since everything else lined up, that would be one of the things that God would have to take care of. I just figured God would call him later.)
3. At the age of 4 I said I wanted to be a missionary (before I knew what one was!) He's not feeling that. However, he and i both want to produce films, and we both have love for the same city that neither one of us live in now, but outside of that one place, he doesn't want to live where I had been saying I saw myself in 10 years and I don't want to live where he see himself... but we both see ourselves together.

The other things that concern me is that I want to adopt. I have a HUGE heart for it. he's not willing to talk about adoption until we've had kids of our own.
AND though he's a Christian who loves God, he's not fully committed to abstaining from sex before marriage. I realize that he wasn't raised as a Christian so he didn't hear the same abstainance message that I did. For him, it's enough that we seriously plan to get married, plus neither of us are virgins so what are we saving? What he doesn't realize is that the way I was raised is that if a man can't wait for sex, then he's not the one. That works in high school, but so far the only men I've met who aren't trying to have sex with me are the unsaved ones! The part that troubles me is that I don't want him to abstain for my sake but because he's in love with a Holy God and wants to be holy before Him, a concept he's never been introduced to. The problem is that as much as I want to please God, we've already compromised so much in our relationship, and eventually we finally did have sex. This did NOT sit well with me, but he was disappointed in himself for letting me down. It didn't occur to him that he let God down. It's almost as if (I think) he thinks that God is important to him but doesn't really have much to say on that part of his life. I don't know if this is just a matter of him just needing to learn what God has to say about these things or why or get mentoring and encouragement from Godly men or what.

My fear is that I'm just trying to run away from another relationship, like I always do. And my other fear is that I was so sure that he was "the one," if he's not, how will I really know when someone is? I still love him and desireto be with him, but those things have caused a second guessing, a small tear in my feelings that I keep noticing. like a run in my stockings... who cares if the other 90% is alright. It's this 10& that has me wondering do I have to throw the whole thing out?

Right before meeting him (not even a week before) I told the Lord that I'd be willing to accept whatever his will is for my life - married, single, good marriage, bad marriage, kids, no kids. I meant it and mean it. But I don't want to take the easy way out. I really am struggling with this. The other thing I wonder is should I even be looking for "signs" that he's the one? Am I silly for hoping everything - at least all the major things, match? Am I silly for thinking I can find someone more right for me? Am I trying to talk myself into ignoring "the signs" or am I trying to give myself an excuse to run and not trust God and work on things???

Posted By: JEM | September 18, 2011 8:43 PM

Hi JEM,

You have been very vulnerable in these comments. May the Lord bless you.

A question that comes to mind is this: what do other people you trust within your Christian community think of this relationship? Is this relationship open for those who are wise and those you trust to see, or is it secretive? Perhaps they are seeing something you don't? Maybe they'd affirm the relationship except for the premarital sex?

Please know that I will pray for you.

Posted By: Marlena | September 26, 2011 8:44 AM

How "Christian" does a guy have to be? My boyfriend and I are very compatible. He is a Christian, but doesn't have a very spiritual or emotional relationship with God. I long for a godly man to guide me in marriage and I am not sure if my boyfriend can provide this. However, we are in our early twenties. Perhaps we will grow closer to God as we mature?

Posted By: Jen | October 25, 2011 5:13 PM

@Jen, pay attention to the longing--not for him, but the one within you for God. If you "long" for a godly man, why would you settle for a man who does not want the same thing as you? If you run toward God, will this man run beside you?
Even if he were the kind of guy who could "guide you" --a man cannot give you what you long for, because you long for God. You have to be the one who is moving toward God on your own, I think. find a man who is also longing for God.

great article, btw.

Posted By: keri wyatt kent | November 13, 2011 8:05 PM

I like the article, but wish the author were more specific about 'red flags' and gave some examples of what some are.

I'm sure I could use my imagination--disliking the person's personality, disliking the person's communication style, disliking the person's looks, or behavior etc.

With me, I'll be a thirty year old man this year, and I still haven't had that special feeling when meeting a particular woman. Some people say, 'You just know,' or 'You're like best friends,' but the problem is I'm kind of a loner and haven't had a best friend in years.

My first criterion is *Christian, but I find that (where I live anyway) the Christian woman are not that attractive. The ones who seem to be into me, at least. I know it sounds shallow, but to me, 'not attractive' is a 'red flag.' Think about it. Me going into a marriage with a woman I'm not truly attracted to? That's a disaster waiting to happen. I don't know we as Christians tend to minimize the importance of physical attraction. It makes no sense.

I'm talking about walking, talking, professing *Christians, not Catholics, which are a dime a dozen out here (New York). Everyone says they're Christian, but most of them don't live it. I'm not saying you have to be involved in a church-plant, but how about going to Bible Study every now and then, or some kind of youth group at the church? How about going to Sunday service? That's like the minimal requirement.

The problem is that I'm physically attracted to Catholics, for the most part and the real professing Christians I'm not (neither are they attracted to me, it seems).

It may have to do with ethnic background too. I'm Latino, so I have a Mediterranean look, but I'm usually the only Latino at these meetings, which makes it hard. Even for me, I prefer a similar look (Latina, Italian etc.) but I don't really find that. It's rare. I'm sure the girls at these meetings are the same way. Being Irish or whatever, they prefer a similar look as well.

The church has done a HORRIBLE job discussing sexual matters and dating/marriage matters, which is why they create so many back-slidden Christians. And I'm condemning myself as well when I say that because I consider myself part of the Body of Christ. It's something that we need to address, big-time.

Posted By: Renn | February 20, 2012 10:50 AM