Her.meneutics: The Female Friendship Crisis

back to Christianity Today

RSS Feed | Help

email to a friend

twitter updates

Follow Her.meneutics on Twitter

What Is Her.meneutics?

The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

interests

books and media

church life

justice and politics

relationships and family

sexuality and health

spirituality

theology

women of note

writers

More ...

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

« When God Told Us to Adopt | Main | Photoshop, Patriarchy, and Protection of the Vulnerable »

August 2, 2011

The Female Friendship Crisis

Friends are an indispensable part of growing in Christ. So why do many of us have so few?

Karen Swallow Prior

Women drive me nuts.

Some years ago, following an act of civil disobedience, I spent several days in a makeshift jail with hundreds of women protesters. Before long, a couple of them approached me where I lay on a hard Army cot, trying to get comfortable enough to read the copy of Samuel Richardson’s Clarissa my husband had managed to deliver. What better opportunity than jail time would I ever have to read the longest novel in the English language?

It was not to be. Instead I was asked to step up as a leader to address the squabbles and discontent arising among so many women of diverse personalities in such cramped conditions. Suck it up, ladies! I wanted to scream. But I didn’t. As requested, I played the role of diplomat.

I emerged from jail with greater gratitude for God’s creation of two sexes than I’d ever had before or since. To this day, I avoid to just this side of causing offense nearly any event preceded by the label women’s: conferences, Bible Studies, retreats, Home Interior parties. I was even a bit skeptical at first about writing for a women’s blog.

My difficulties with women go further back than this experience. Because I married young and went directly to graduate school from college, I had a hard time finding real peers. The other women in my graduate program were hostile toward Christianity, something I was ill-equipped to handle gracefully. And while my church included other young women who worked or were going to school, most of the married women did not. I spent a lot of time declining invitations to jewelry and kitchenware parties and softball games, not because I wasn’t interested in those activities, but because I felt stressed and guilty about spending time on anything besides writing papers and reading books and journal articles.

I wanted women friends, badly. I tried to find them. I prayed for God to bring me to them. And, in his time, he did.

Of course, in all fairness to God, I didn’t make it easy for him. I am pretty picky. On the other hand, in making friends, I seem naturally to follow the advice of Socrates: “Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant.” I don’t form friendships quickly or often, but when I do, they stick.

Friendships come in many forms, but nothing can replace friendships with true peers. Because we are both physical and spiritual beings, I see as a true peer one with whom we share both of these aspects, physical and spiritual, of our being — in other words, people of the same sex and of the same spiritual identity and belief. While certainly one can be good friends with members of the opposite sex, or of different beliefs and values, such differences tend to be a barrier to the sort of kid-gloves-off treatment necessary for iron to sharpen iron. In fact, I’ve often noticed that those who resist deep friendships with true peers — women who say they simply “connect better” with men (well, duh!) or with people not their age or religion — tend to be avoiding the unique accountability that genuine peers offer.

Seeking out such accountability, even when it is contrary to one’s disposition, is the subject of a brave and important essay Noel Piper wrote recently.

Piper’s essay was brave in baring aspects of her experience simply as a Christian woman, but even more so as the wife of a prominent pastor (John Piper). It’s much easier, as many women are tempted to do, to hide under a veneer of a seemingly perfect life and ministry. But Piper exposes the myth of what I like to call the “Shiny Happy People” version of Christianity that prevails today. For one thing, Piper discusses seeking help from a counselor, something many Christians benefit from but don’t like talking about. Yet despite our wishful thinking, sometimes more faith, more prayer, and more sacrifice aren’t enough. (If it were, then much of the New Testament need not have been written.)

But this was not even the point of the essay. Rather, Piper brings up the counseling as the catalyst that forced her — at age 60 — to seek something in her life that Scripture tells us we need and that she had been avoiding. Not more holiness, not more Bible reading, not more quiet time, but friends. Not prayer partners, or accountability partners, or team members, or coworkers — although friends can be all of these — but simply good friends.

Fellow blogger Enuma Okoro writes that friends are “essential” to “any holy enterprise.” And studies show that the benefits of friendship include longer life, increased brain health, and a lower risk of obesity. For women, particularly, friendships have proven to reduce stress and to produce natural calming effects. Even the workplace benefits from friendships there — which is a good thing since my closest circle of friends consists of women who are my colleagues, too. Whether we go out to dinner, a movie, the theater, or on one of our annual road trips, we can trust one another in sharing our joys and frustrations in the classroom and in life as well as our views about the latest news, politics, and trends. Over the years, we’ve attended weddings, funerals, and countless student performances together. We are bonded by faith and fun, and we sharpen one another.

My life would be so less rich without my girlfriends. I thank God for them.

What about you? How has your life been enriched by friends?

Comments

This essay mirrors much of my own life. The myth that women naturally makes friends, easily, and do all kinds of girl-stuff together, are bffs, etc. is just that, a myth. I teach a woman's Sunday School class and it's clear the women struggle with finding others who are willing to give the time, effort, love, and patience that a friendship needs. We are far too busy with being everything to everyone. As a college professor working with a campus ministry, I also see that young women (college-age) are limited in friends and expect their boyfriends to be all-in-all. Although I appreciate the career opportunities the women's movement have given us, I am saddened to see young women burdened with even more unfortunate misconceptions about their roles than we had 40 years ago.

I love the tension here in your struggle. One of my all-time favorite books is "Vital Friends" by Tom Rath. It's based on the science of friendship and gives us both great data and anecdotal evidence to develop and continue strong friendships.

I'm interested to read the responses to this one. I think we can benefit a lot by having an honest conversation about how women experience friendship. For some of us, it comes easily; other women are often left feeling inadequate and lonely. I'm in the middle of writing the second post in a series on friendship at lauraziesel.com that includes this line: "With friendships there is little structure, unspoken expectations, and minimum commitment. That's a hotbed for drama." I'm looking forward to reading the comments shared here as I finish the post.

Oooooh, Laura--what a great sentence! I want to read that post when it comes out!

Karen, this is a great post. And a brave one. Thanks to you (and Noel).

I think we all need friendships, but those friendships can come in different forms. For me, personally, while I'm a woman, I've always related better to men and therefore had better/stronger friendships with them. Oh, I have friends who are women, but those friendships apart from one have never been as deep as the friendships I have formed with certain men in my life.

Not all women are alike, and the differences across each gender far outweigh the differences between the genders. Men and women aren't completely different species. There may be some tendencies that fit more men or more women, but those tendencies don't hold for everyone.

I take offense at the idea that I must necessarily relate better to women or that I'm avoiding something because of who I form friendships with. The one friendship I share with a woman is one in which we are both part of a group that includes two men. The four of us all have a lot in common, have been able to help each other spiritually grow, and just have seemed to be able to go deeper than we have with anyone else. When we are together, it doesn't matter that two of us are women and two of us are men. We are just brothers and sisters in Christ, people who are alike, and people who care deeply about one another.

Basically, I think this article is coming from a gender essentialist view that I don't share. Sex and gender are two different things. Sex is the characteristics that all members of a specific sex share- those biological differences. Gender, though, the personality differences, comes mostly from culture and from social learning rather than from genetics. That is why there are often more members of a gender that share a trait- they are taught to act that way. But not every member shares those traits.

I find Anna's comments to be far more resonant than anything I read in this article. The assertion that we must all march in lock step with other women -- and that we're defective or in sin if we don't -- is tiresome and more than a little idolatrous.

While we all need that person or group who will hold us accountable, it's wrong to resist God's leading for the sake of an idea. If most or all of our friends are men, despite what we've looked for, (and what other women have tried to guilt us into) say hallelujah! It's God's choice, not ours.

Karen, I have tried time and time again to find women that can be close friends. I have had seasons in my life where I may have had one. Like Anna and Diane say, I, too, have found it easier generally speaking to relate to men, partially because my work environment (product management director in software) is one where you have to train yourself to be assertive and direct. When I have tried to find friends my age, I have often found they were at a different life stage as I had my first child rather early at barely 19, while they started families later. As such, the women I have been friends with have been older than I, usually by at least a decade. Even here, the problems are galore as you are also in different life stages for age reasons. It is not an easy battle. I would love to have ONE close girlfriend, but she just hasn't materialized.
P.S. Interesting that the day I read this, you stop following me on Twitter. Ouch. Are we sometimes also not allowing ourselves to find friendships?

I'm having a hard time identifying with this post. Of course friends are important! That seems fairly obvious. I do, like the author, make friends verrrry slowly. But I have a handful who are like sisters to me. I can and have said anything to them, including revealing the dark and ugly sides of my heart. And maybe twice that with whom I am not quite that vulnerable, but have fun with and share a significant part of my life.

I wonder if part of the author's experience is due to being from a different generation that I. I'm 33, with a graduate degree, working mom, and ministry leader. I don't do jewelry, scrapbooking, tupperware parties or shallow, girly "women's" events. I prefer to talk about current events and world issues, but I enjoy a good comedy and shoe shopping.

Despite the length of time it takes me to establish solid relationships with friends, I have never had a lot of trouble finding "peers" who are in the approximately same categories (above) as I. However, I am also open to friendships with women who are NOT like me in external appearance. I've found that I can develop deep friendships with women in vastly different circumstances than I if I am just able to listen and accept them, and they me.

I am lucky enough to have two very close girlfriends. One lives close - the other lives 9 hours away. Sometimes I wish I had more close friends but to be honest, I'm really okay with the two I have. I love them both and find that since I focus my time on them and the other things I love around me, we are all replenished more easily.

However, I do sometimes wish for a group of people that I can go out and just be with - I have to agree that male or female to me doesn't matter. Go play mini golf or take a hike. I think it is a sense of community and love for others that I am looking for in friends.

As for friends my age, I've given up on that as well. Most of my general friends are 10-15 years older than me. I'm 29 years old with a career and no kids in an area where the women my age have 3 or 4 kids and are stay at home Moms. Attempts to connect are friendly and courteous but...never amount to anything.

And that's okay. Sometimes I think we shy away from friendship because it's another "To-do", another person who will need from us on top of the other things in our lives that take. Friendship requires work, time, and effort. It is our choice what we do with our time (friendship included). Sometimes it is worth the time and effort and unfortunately sometimes not.

I worry because sometimes we (I) turn away from the effort without finding the prize that waits for us.

I'd have to say, you are the first person who brought this to my attention as a problem. I'd had trouble making friends with women in the past, and found it easier to be friends with guys. For the record, guys cannot offer you the same type of friendship that women can, as it is often something more than friendship, or can easily turn into something more. I also believe it was in your pool where we discussed, and I realized, that making, being, and keeping women friends was supposed to be harder. It was that fall that, with a changed attitude, I made 5 or 6 of the best lady friends ever. I was glad to have women around me who called out each other's, and my own, BS. I also learned how to cook some awesome things and grew into myself more fully. Even after all of our fights and disagreements, there is nothing better than picking up the phone or sitting down for coffee and working things out. Women are more willing to have the conversations that are "hard" to have, whereas men, sometimes, tend to just brush issues away. In the end, I am always a better person because of my b******. Thanks KP!

Lauren, your experiences are not the same as mine at all. In my experience, most of the women I've tried to befriend don't want to talk about deeper issues whereas most of my male friends do. And friendships with men can be completely non-romantic with neither party interested in the other. That is a big reason I am less likely to have deep friendships with women: the men I befriend are willing to talk about deep spiritual, moral, or philosophical issues whereas I've found very few women who are willing to go there.

And the other thing is that I find few women who share the same interests, goals, and values as me. I just tend to be more like men. I find that I'm more often having the same struggles as men, and it is refreshing to be able to talk about these struggles with someone who understands and with whom I can work on these struggles.

I can relate to lots of this. But my very best girlfriend is, and always will be, my mom.

Anna, I'm sorry you've had trouble finding women friends because it truly is a blessing. Like Karen said, she had to pray for them. I am also friends with some older women in my church and community who struggle to find women friends, but they haven't given up. They also do not cling to male friendships, as they are married. If you are married, I would have to say that having close male friends is probably not healthy for your marriage. If you aren't married, I understand the desire to have male and female friends. I would caution you to think twice about there not being anything romantic about your connections with men. Even if you have an emotional connection with a man on a deeper level, it counts as a relationship, even if you aren't technically "romantic" in the obvious sense. The long conversations, spiritual growth, and struggles through moral issues that I go through with my husband are some of our most intimate times. That is a place I would caution you about who you let in. Also, a relationship that may seem surface to you could be more to the man, and he just hasn't told you, or maybe even admitted it to himself. I don't know you or the men you are friends with, so this is all just going off of what I've seen in my own life, or the lives of my friends and co-workers, but I would just caution you. Having friendships with men IS different than having friendships with women.

Another thing, I've found if you do have trouble making friends with women, it's often because of insecurity or pride on one or both sides. When I used to walk into a room full of women I didn't know, I would automatically assume they were judging me, that they were shallow, or that we had nothing in common. After working through my insecurities, I began trying to actually talk to and put effort into getting to know all kinds of women, and I ended up being friends with the ones that, oftentimes, seemed least likely to fit my personality. Try talking to women at church, parties, restaurants, the gym, the bar, even in lines at movies. If you have time or aren't in school, consider taking a class at a community college or a yoga class at the gym. These are all places I've talked to some great women. It's easy to reach out to other women by complimenting them on something you truly notice or like about them. It may seem shallow, but even complimenting some of my shy co-workers on their clothes or new hair started better (and deeper) conversations in the long-run.

I that some of this (maybe) helped. I hope you find some great women to talk to over the next few months. It really is a whole different type of relationship than the kind you have with men. Again, it can often be hard to keep good friendships with women, as insecurities, pride, or disagreements of any kind can easily get in the way. If a lady-friend of mine acts in a way that hurts my feelings or just pisses me off, I try to think of something she may be going through, and I even try to consider myself as part of the problem (this can be hard :) -- but it's necessary). Some things to consider, maybe she is having a low self-esteem day and it has nothing to do with you, maybe she is insecure in her job or marriage, and so she has to act like everything is fine and it comes off as odd to you, or whatever it may be, don't assume right away that the two of you don't click. She may really need to get to know you first before she opens up. Give peace a chance!

Anna, that last comment was from me, Lauren. Again, I only hope to offer you helpful suggestions!

Ladies, I find the comments as interesting as the article and think they all point to some of the challenges you have to forming friendships--several of you seem unwilling to allow space for disagreements. Why are you compelled to challenge each other and affirm that the other is wrong? It appears to me from the article and your comments that there are multiple factors that can make friendships challenging (education, age, your age when entering different life stages, general interests, conversational styles, etc.). I suspect that another issue underlying some of these strong feelings about your preference for friendships with males is the result of personality type. The Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI) gives non-judgmental language to describe personality differences. One of the four-letter categories is thinking/feeling. Every thinker feels and every feeler thinks, so this is not a right/wrong area. But the interesting, and I think relevant part of this is that 75% of females type as feelers while 75% of males type as thinkers. This means that 25% of females have a natural tendency to approach decision making more like the majority of males. My wife types as a thinker. She has often found feeler females more difficult to be close friends with than thinker males, for this reason. Maybe this is at the root of some of your debate. It would be intriguing to know the personality type of several of you. Blessings in your friendships!

There was a period of time in my life where I had what I would call friends, but found they were functional friends, rather than deep friendships (ie. forged around similar interests and activities). The best friendships I have developed are through Celebrate Recovery, and the 12 step groups out of that ministry. As I become more transparent with my struggles and issues in a safe environment, and am around others who are like minded, and receive acceptance, grace, and surround myself with truthtellers, valuable friendships are forged where I don't have to wear a mask, and I can be loved for who I am, dysfunctions and all.....these are the kind of friendships worth having, in my mind. I don't have to prove anything, just be loved and valued by my existence. I am grateful for that.

There is a group of ladies from our mixed-gender small group whom I consider my closest and oldest friends (I'm 56). We've gone from births to graduations to marriages together. They would do anything for me and I for them. Yet I long for a female friend I can talk to about issues that aren't related to family life or Christianity. Their entire lives are focused around their kids and the church, not a bad focus of course, but there's so much more out there! And...my husband is a pastor in our shared church, and so to talk about our sometimes troublesome marriage and my spiritual doubts or anything that seems a bit "astray", is rather impossible, and besides, I really like to discuss politics that is more than Obama-bashing and sociology and authors who don't write for Christian publishers. I am praying for a friend.

I can relate to the dynamics of this group of woman.

WOW! What an interesting conversation this post has generated! To be brief, I have always wanted a "best friend", but it always seemed that when a friendship had that potential, we move, and growing long-distance friendships is nearly impossible. Now I am in an expatriate community in China, and potentially close friends move away while I stay and start over. Talking to friends on email (Can't access Facebook, etc) isn't very fulfilling, though it helps. Feeling lonely in Shanghai.

Laura (and others who are seeking deep friendships with women),

I am moved to pray for your search as I know what that desire for good girlfriends is like. Laura, I have moved a great deal in my life, and twice when I had just established a lasting, deep friendship. The second time, my BF and I had a tearful good-bye (long-distance just isn't the same, no matter how hard you try--thus the need for the Incarnation, after all ...) and wouldn't you know? God saw fit to move my BF to me the next year. It was only for a few years, but it was a great blessing.

I am praying for you womenfolk out there looking for this special bond.

Karen

I'm really curious about the comments here that say deeper friendship with men is somehow "less than" deeper friendship with women.

I have lots of women friends, and I am as open and honest with them as our relationships allow...just like with my male friends.

On the subject of male-female friendship, check out Dan Brennan's book "Sacred Unions Sacred Passions" (buy it at Amazon)...he really gets it.

OK so I'm a man and would like to share some insight from my perspective. Frst, I dont see where the author has said that friendships with the opposite sex are worthless as so many poster shave posited. (me thinks they do protest too much!) Second, Men and women are wired differently, no question. God gave us very different bodies, instincts, psyches and roles, yes roles, in our relationships. Same sex friendships offer comraderie that can transcend the boundaries of opposite sex friendships. Those who think they can handle that kind of intimacy with the opposite sex are inevitably heading into a danger zone. "pride cometh before the fall" I have a friend that says he likes women friends better because they understand him. The women say they feel "safe" around him because he is married. I wonder how many adulterous relationships started this way? A flower is a flower and a bee is a bee. I think the author is spot on.

Well, I'm obese and I have friends. I don't have a lot of friends but I have a few. Friendships change because people change. Thank you for making me feel WORSE about my weight!

But girls are annoying.

Stanley,

I wonder why you say that close male-female friendship "inevitably head into a danger zone"? I'm aware that plenty of people have affairs, but there is another story too....a long history of men and women who are close, but never end up in bed. I wonder if you've read Dan Brennan's book "Sacred Unions Sacred Passions"? He covers this so well.

My own expereince shows me that this is possible too...I have loved the respect of my male friends who want to be close to me, but never, ever hit on me. It's so healing.

It makes me curious why you think its inevitable that it has to go to danger.

A thought (or two) on exceptionally close male-female "friendships:" I know that everyone is different, and that there are always exceptions to the "rules" - however, I am extremely skeptical of any woman who maintains that she is just "naturally" forms closer friendships with men than with women. Anna, like I said, I understand that you are a different person and might be exceptional - but do you realize your comment that "a big reason" you're less likely to have deep friendships with women is because men "are willing to talk about deep spiritual, moral, or philosophical issues whereas women aren't" is inherently both prideful and sexist? I don't believe you mean to be - but it is. Perhaps if you haven't met women who are willing (or able) to have such conversations, it's not that such women don't exist; it's that you haven't met them (or, haven't made the effort to?). This is not meant as an attack; I'm just suggesting such possibilities.

Furthermore, your assertion that you can have such moral, spiritual, and philosophical conversations with the opposite sex and have them remain "completely non-romantic" neglects to include another significant part of your person - the physical part. We are humans, and our spiritual and intellectual "parts" cannot be separated from our physical part. When we engage with a person spiritually or intellectually or emotionally, we engage with them physically, male or female; to think otherwise, I humbly suggest (based upon, not only my own experience, but the very wise insight of others), is a type of ignorance and pride.

One more thought- I've also found that women who argue that they can't be friends with women because they're just "direct" or "assertive" are actually using those terms as a cover up for being simply rude or thoughtless - a flaw that I believe a female friend would be quicker to pick up on and point out than a male one.

Again, these comments are not meant as an attack on any one's personal experience - hopefully it's just an example of what Dr. Prior so fittingly describes in her post - intelligent women confronting and challenging other intelligent women.

Amber (or others),

I am with you in thinking that women have the ability to talk about important topics, and to see issues and speak into a friend's life. But what I'm confused about is why you seem to think that men can do that, or are slower to do that. I am blessed with a number of women friends who see deeply into my heart and speak both blessing and challenge. But I have friendships with men who do that too - and they do it well. Men and women ARE different, but not so different that we cant see into each other's hearts and call forth the good and/or help the friend face the difficult things.

Jennifer, I don't at all mean by my comments that men cannot or are slower to discuss deep or important topics with women (or with other men, for that matter) - I simply mean that, first of all, women can be just as challenging morally, spiritually, philosophically, etc. with another woman as a man can be (and that the excuse that they can't isn't a good one). I do absolutely believe that men and women can have good, intelligent, deep conversations, and that they can challenge and support each other in difficult situations - even as a married woman, I've been supported by intelligent and godly men other than my husband in difficult times, and I am very grateful for these friendships (and they are friendships!).

However, they are fundamentally different than my friendships with other women. I believe that authentic, profound, lasting, intimate friendships between women are essentially different than female friendships with men; and moreover, that they are in a unique way a very essential part of our Christian life as women.

I appreciate reading about this topic of friendship which I don't see a lot. Female friendship has been incredibly important to me this year in which I was married and moved to a new state, and working from home gives me few opportunities to forge friendships. But I have been blessed with a small group at church of other young married couples, some friends in our neighborhood, and now looking forward to working with the wonderful people at my local crisis pregnancy center.

I've also realized this year that as so much changes and college friends drift apart, sisters are such a beautiful thing :) They are the friends who I always know aren't going anywhere!

Okay, I have been reading the comments and need to put in my two cents. Female friendships are wonderful, and I would love to have close female friends. I do not, have had VERY few over the course of 38 years. I have done everything suggested to get female friends, I have joined the studies, attended the events, signed up for women mentors twice in my church-one dropped me after one meeting saying we did not click, the other after two because she had higher priorities. I have been the subject of nasty rumors spread through the women in one church that caused me to be ostracized while no one told me why. I remember sitting in the back of a women's retreat room, crying, surrounded by others and no one even passed me a tissue. No I am not the easiest person sometimes, I am quiet and reserved (I wonder why after years of being left out), but all these people extolling their BFFs need to realize that they need to sometimes reach out to those odd girls out. They exist in pretty much every setting, so try before you judge. My best friends are guys, and have been my whole life except for grade school where it was too unacceptable and I was too scared. My husband accepts this and has no desire to spend hours debating theology as we generally do. They are my brothers, not my lovers. So its all great to say, make more effort, I have, I have prayed, I have done everything anyone has ever suggested and the friends God gave me were men, were brothers, were more then any of the women in my life (mother and sisters included) have ever been to me. So do I still look for female friends, yes. Do I still sometimes cry on the edge of a group as no one speaks to me during the women's groups, or walk away 5 seconds after I walk up to them to talk to someone more important, yes. I still try, but God had provided graciously and generously as He wills.

Wow, I too, find the discussion VERY interesting. I have numerous female friends...and seems the don't mesh together in a group. Seems one friend is good to call for sharing family struggle, another is fun to be spuratic with, another enjoys spiritual discussions. My long time friend from grade school, passed a couple years ago...I miss her because she was the BF that excepted me, and I her and we went through life together (separately geographically) and any time we could get together felt like we simply, easily picked up where we left off. Not been able to find another so UN-judgemental, loving,tell me straight-up if she thought I was wrong and respectful a friend.

I can identify with anonymous. I just can't make friends. I, too, have read all the books and tried everything. I have concluded I am too different. In this area ladies are very materialistic and shopping is what they do. I hate shopping. I do look nice but I buy from thrift stores. And one of my hobbies is target shooting. I'm odd. I "don't work", having chosen to stay home and provide foster care so I don't have a work conection. We have a young adopted daughter, though we are grandparents, so at my daughter's school the other parents are the ages of our older kids. I'm odd. I get along well with people, can talk with anyone, but no one would call me their friend. Except my husband. He is my friend. I sometimes long for woman friends, but in the meantime I thank God daily for my very best friend, my husband. (He like target shooting, too.)

First of all, I had no idea that other women struggle with friendships like I do. It's also encouraging to read that Noel Piper shares the same struggles. I also wonder if other married women receive judgment from Their husbands for not having friends or having a hard time finding them? My husband blames me for us not having other married couples as friends and that he doesn't have other guy friends. After reading this article, I've come to realize, he has no understanding of women and their struggles making friends. Because of his judgments I have felt there was something wrong with me. He thinks the church is the only place we can have friends and he expects to have a lot of them. He is a people person and I am not. I'm more comfortable with two or three and he wants a huge group. He agrees we have different personalities but we don't agree how to make friends and who are friends should be. he thinks we need to have the same friends and I don't. He does have some guy friends but he complains that one or two is not enough for him. He blames me for this. my responses have been the same. Over and over I tell him the church is a great place to make friends but not the only place. Jesus is the messiah but he did not hang out in the synagogue 24/7 during his life on earth. I explain that our friends do not need to be the same and that we only have to have friends together with other married couples. I feel inadequate enough as it is when trying to make friends with other women. I'm shy and it's never been easy. The last thing I need is for my husband to imply I'm inadequate in meeting the expectations for his lack of friends too.
I've seen a counselor for some time and it has helped me a lot. Still, I need the courage to make friends. I'm a girly girl who loves to shop and get mani and pedi's but I'm also not afraid to get dirty or chip a nail either. Still it's been hard, I've been so hurt my whole life by women, their gossip, their cold shoulders and betrayal. I have tried so hard to reach out without success. Why keep beating my head against a brick wall? I pray for courage, that I will be a good example to my daughter, that I will find friends who accept me. It's a hard road, very hard.

This was an interesting article. I too believe that developing friendships with other Christian women is extremely important. My question is how do you get women to commit to going out together, having coffee and just sitting and talking about life in general, or just going out to do something together. Most women I am friends with tell me "I'm too busy for that." or "I don't need that in my life." I do need good friends in my life because they add so much to your life. A true friend will be there for you especially when you are going through a rough time. Women don't take the time to develope true and honest friendships in todays time. Women need other women, rather they want to admit it or not. Women can understand some things you go through that a guy cannot even begin to understand. A true friend will hold you accountable when you need them to. They will tell you the truth, even though it may not be what you want to hear. We all need women with that kind of strength to be our friends.

These comments are very interesting. I too would like more friends, male or female, but it's hard when I'm single and most are married.

Also, what is wrong with women who prefer friendships with men? That's their preference, and that's okay. We're not all alike; we're individuals, so I think we all need to give each other a break on this.

Anonymous at 10:56 - in regards to your husband blaming you, it sounds like there's actually a deeper issue here. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, I recently had a group of single female friends, but I've had to distance myself because it was becoming a lonely hearts club with the resulting anger on the parts of some.

I think its very important to make friends of the same sex. We have moved several times lately, and even though I've always thought I made friends easily, its not so easy anymore. Male friends can be great, but I've always had to have more boundaries with them for the most part. I think we were meant to walk with women and have other women walk with us. Many of my friends are quite different from me - but I have a bond with each one and I gain so much from each relationship. I've found my best friends through the years tend to have something in common with me - volunteering at something I have a passion for has brought deep, lasting friendships, even though I don't live close to most of them anymore. I suggest if you have trouble making friends, give of yourself in an area you have gifting, and you are likely to meet some like-minded people who end up becoming very good friends. One way I made a good friend was to ask her if I could hang out with her, because I admired many things about her. We are very close friends today. I've been rejected by others through the years...I think its easy to let rejection cause us to give up. I try very hard to realize that it isn't all about me, and to be a blessing to the people I feel rejection from...sometimes I find out it wasn't rejection at all! Or my latest friend-making venture is a homeschool co-op where my kids and I have found wonderful friendships. Even still, it is not always easy, but growth usually isn't, is it?! It is worth it to have friends to share the good times and tough times with, even from afar.

I can really identify with this part of your article, Karen: I seem naturally to follow the advice of Socrates: “Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant.” I don’t form friendships quickly or often, but when I do, they stick. One attribute of an introverted person (like me) is just this type of friendship formation - few but close and long lasting. Superficial friendships are not just difficult for an introvert, they are practically non-existent.

I also appreciate the various comments people have posted about woman/man friendships outside marriage. We've all probably had them to one degree or another. But it is an area that requires diligence for most men (there's no way I'm going to comment on what a woman should do in this situation!). It is too easy for feelings similar to romance to surface; this might look like a crush, fantasy or simply thinking that this female friend really understands the man on a deeper and more personal level. A friend of mine called this a romantic affair, as opposed to a physical one, and suggested the effect on a marriage can be just as devastating.

All of this also reminds me of an old Bob Newhart episode. Bob was at home in his apartment with his wife Emily, Jerry the dentist and neighbor Howard. Jerry was expressing his disappointment that Bob wasn't going to do something with him.

"But Bob," Jerry said, "I thought I was your best friend."
"You are Jerry, but I just can't."
"Wait," said Howard. "I thought I was your best friend, Bob."
"You're my best apartment friend, Howard. Jerry's my best work friend."
Emily said, "I thought I was your best friend, Bob."
"You're my best wife friend."

Who's my best friend? Jesus (I know it's the Sunday School answer, but it's true). Who's my best friend walking here on earth? My wife (I know that's the husband answer, but it's true too.) Who's my best friend who's not Jesus or my wife? I'm an introvert, so I have just a few people that are really close to me and I'm not going to pick just one (and I know that's the safe answer, but it's the one I'm going with).

Thanks for a very fruitful and thought- (and comment-) provoking discussion, Karen.

Tim

"Lovers for the sake of celestial converse are but another sort of Platonics, who pretend to see stars and heaven in ladies’ eyes, and to look or think no lower; but the same pit is provided for both; and they seem a perfect moral to the story of that philosopher, who, while his thoughts and eyes were fixed upon the constellations, found himself seduced by his lower parts into a ditch."

--Discourse Concerning the Mechanical Operation of the Spirit; Jonathan Swift

I am excited for a new book recommendation and look forward to reading CLARISSA! I have different friends for the different parts of me. I am always on the lookout for new friends and always eager to deepen my current ones. My best friend right now is my husband but he is not even a believer. My spiritual closeness is with Christ. I am part of two different book groups - one secular and one at my church. Friendship takes time and shared experiences. Sometimes it takes a looong time and friendships go thru many seasons. Love this whole post.
Mary Lou

As a female “INTJ,” I understand well the tendency many have mentioned here. I don’t enjoy many “girly” things, live far too much in my own head, and, when I pursue my own interests, often find myself at odds with many females at the same stage of life. I also readily identify with Piper’s description of her life as an introvert. With that said, though, I value my female friendships—not at the expense of friendships with male friends, because their perspective is often refeshing and necessary as well, but with the recognition that my female friendships provide accountability and perspective beyond what my male friendships can, accountability that is honest and brutal at times. It is hard to open myself up and enter fully into a community of others who are honest with me, and to look at myself in the light provided when I see myself from the perspective of new friend, but it always causes me to grow. Love the post--thanks for the encouragement to keep on working on my female friendships!

As I have been reading, it seems to me that many of the women who are commenting here about having a hard time connecting with women, seem to be quite judgemental about the women who are girly and into girl stuff. Kind of got that vibe from the author of the post too. Sometimes it feels like there are some women who feel it is weak or pathetic to do "girly" things. I am not a particularly feminine kind of woman...but I don't feel like there is anything wrong with being a woman. The author's first statement was quite off putting, in my opinion. "Women drive me nuts"...um...you are woman. We all are women. Get over yourself. I have yet to meet one woman who isn't as catty and girly as the next...some women just hide it better than others. We are more than what society says we are...women can be catty...they can also be massively encouraging and supportive. We are complex...all of us...even the "girly" ones that are getting judged here.

Lisa, I *think* that opening line, within the context of the entire piece, is actually SUPPOSED to be ironic and making the point that you make. That's how I took it anyway.

Lisa, I actually agree with you. There is nothing wrong with being "girly" or liking "girly" things. However, the reverse is also true. There is nothing wrong with a woman not being like that. I have no problems with women who are "girly," but I myself do not happen to be like that. I personally happen to relate to men better for the most part, though I do have female acquaintances and one good female friend.

I just personally happen to believe that you can have friendships that are just as close, just as deep, and just as valuable with either gender. I don't think the gender of a friend is something that should be paid attention to when making friends. The people I happen to get closest to are usually men not because I am trying any harder or any less hard to make friends with either men or women.

Thank-you for this article. The comments seem to have gotten side-tracked to the male/female friend argument.

I'd like to go back and focus on the main point (are female friendships are in crisis?) because this has been very true for me for the past 13 years.

I have spent a lot of time wondering whether my inability to form close female friendships as an adult is due to

1. a change in society - maybe the pace and the way we interact (technology which allows us to keep in touch with more people and those farther away - perhaps at the expense of closer, more immediate friendships?)

2. whether I am just out of step with my peers - I got married and had kids later than many of my church friends to focus on grad school, but also had a hard time connecting with grad school friends, many of whom didn't share my values/beliefs

3. whether I need to move again - and if that would really make a difference

4. whether I have just lost the ability to form close relationships with women now that I am not in school with hours in class and in the dorms to get to know someone.

I am one who spent my whole life from preschool through college with the blessing of a series of incredibly close girlfriends (who I still keep in touch with) - but after several moves, I seemed to lose the ability to make new close friends.

I have lived in my current city for 11 years and have yet to find a local close buddy, not to mention a kindred spirit or two. Although my long distance friends are wonderful, it is not the same as having someone who you can meet for coffee or who is familiar with the current people/places in your life. I have many acquaintances and there have been several "potentials" but it never seems to grow beyond friendliness and getting together every few months. As a single girl I struggled with these same feelings about dating, but it never crossed my mind that someday having close relationships with women would be just as challenging for me and a source of so much loneliness and insecurity.

In my life this is definitely a crisis, and the fear of spending the rest of my life without one or two soul friends nearby sometimes overwhelms me with a sense of emptiness and loss. I know so well exactly what I am missing and life with close girlfriends is SO much richer.

Has anybody else experienced this same change/loss in their life? Do you think it is you or them or society as a whole?

You should ask men about this and see what comes up. If it's hard for women to make friends--it's even harder for men.
I wonder if it has anything to do with the way society is (more busy, self-centred etc.); but then again, how many friends did your grandparents have?

One thing that keeps popping up as well is how unwelcome people with atypical personalities are in general. It appears to be difficult for some people to be able to process that not everyone who is different from the norm has something wrong with them. Stories about exclusion from church groups tend to reinforce my perception that people with traditional outlooks are less accepting of diverse personality types (something I am very sensitive to); and I do not expect this to change in a hurry.

This sounds so much like me, it's scary! I married young too, and as a result, made very few friends in the process. Previous friends continued on in the single life, in which I was no longer welcome, and older women already had their share of children, with little or no time to get together unless it included a play date.

I am definitely going to be more intentional when it comes to making friends. You are absolutely correct when you say we NEED them!

JEALOUSY!!

Thats why I have few female friends. No matter what age the "skinny, bigger boobs, hubby makes more $, kids are perfect, etc, etc" gets way to tired. Women are so downright cruel to each other..its no wonder we read that it was the women harrassing Hannah in the Bible. Times dont change.

Though I didn't read every single post in this LONG, but interesting, discussion, I find that a significant point is missing - friendship is not only about commonalities but is also very much a choice and a commitment. I could agree with many of the above experiences - few close friends, slow in making friends, difficult to find women who share my academic passions, etc.

I have lived in Phnom Penh, Cambodia for the last 4 years. I teach at a Christian international school here. The transition from grad school was tough, esp. when it came to friends who understood me. However, in order to survive life here, community is absolutely essential; it's do or die. Therefore, I and those who I live with and teach with have made choices to be community for each other no matter what. I have not always liked or understood or agreed with those I have lived with and worked with, obviously. However, the option to seclude yourself from the community is a death sentence. As such, I am incredibly thankful to all those who have remained committed to me and I to them, esp. those with whom I have not always seen eye-to-eye with.

Abiding friendship and community is a choice to be committed through thick and thin, along with many of the other things you other ladies have been willing to share. Honestly, being committed to female friendships is the toughest because we are complicated creatures and often understand ourselves and others very little. However, it is indeed essential, though not to the exclusion of other kinds of friendship/community.

I am not as deep as some of the postings here. I am 54 and have had a lifetime of women friendships. Some of my sweetest childhood memories where sitting in the church kitchen while the women set up for after church coffee, listening to them dissect their lives, and caring for each other. My mother was one of the few who worked-and her friends were so proud of her teaching career even though they did not work-no jealousy, no cattiness-just support. Maybe having lived through a depression and a war made them fully realize how much they needed each other. I cannot offer great advice other than start meeting the women in your church, have them over, take an interest in their lives no matter how radically different from your own-and God will open hearts. Some of you sound like you are buying a car with a checklist of options-these are people-maybe no one wants to be that close because they are being judged for being too "girly" or too frivilous or whatever judgment you have passed on them. Friendship is not utilitarian-it is caring, love, help, fun, and hope for life.

Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

The Female Friendship Crisis

Comments

recent posts

Archives

Hermenuetics

twitter updates

What Is Her.meneutics?

interests

writers

Free Newsletters

books we're reading

blogs we're watching

The Female Friendship Crisis

Comments

recent posts

tags

Archives