Her.meneutics: Why I No Longer Pray for a Husband

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September 26, 2011

Why I No Longer Pray for a Husband

Lessons in longing, hunger, and trust.

Anna Broadway

Could fasting and prayer ever be a kind of sin? That was more or less the implication of one person’s response to the news that I had joined a group who weekly fast and pray about marriage and singleness. (And yes, we’re mostly female and mostly single.)

Perhaps it seemed like I’d committed myself to asking for a husband each Monday, that I’d found a spiritual guise in which to obsess about singleness and pester God to change things. But here’s why I don’t think we’re a bunch of women trying to apply The Prayer of Jabez to our love lives.

My first encounter with the fasting-and-prayer group came in summer 2008, a few months after my memoir of reluctant chastity was released. The book had begun as a blog, launched in summer 2004, when I was an angry Christian single woman, committed to serving God but struggling with deep doubts that he was really good enough to be trusted with my love life. By the time that four-year writing project concluded, I had discovered a far deeper intimacy with God, but was as single as ever and staring down my 30s. With the book done, I didn’t want to lose hope in God or drift away from trusting him with that part of my life, but I wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Then a friend forwarded me an e-mail. A small group of people across the country, plus a few outside the States, were fasting and praying each Monday for God to bring marriages to those who desired them, to change and heal men in the ways they needed (but especially around their willingness to commit) and to do the same for women in the areas where we were most broken. To participate, I just had to sign up to receive the weekly e-mail meditations, skip at least one meal on Mondays (though other kinds of abstention were also possible), and pray. I joined them.

Of course, I hoped this might finally be the context where not just interior but also exterior, circumstantial change happened. Of course I did. The religious impulse to manipulate fate is strong. But I also knew God was God, and that beginning a spiritual discipline carried no obligation for him to work through that practice in the way I wanted. That was part of the appeal, in fact. Here was a way to invite him to work and bring life into a part of my life which, with each month I grew older, seemed more like a place where hopes, dreams — and fertility — were gradually dying.

From the start, it was far easier to fast than to pray. Often I felt guilty about this — especially as a former daily prayer-walker — but I started to see it as one way to acknowledge my ultimate weakness and lack of control with God.

Then one Monday, shortly before the end of 2009, I got the idea to take a “do-nothing” approach to my love life for 2010. You see, if relational life is like two adjoining rooms connected by a locked door, I had spent most of my time in the “single” room gazing through the door and scheming how I could get through to the other side. I’d never made a real, good-faith effort to inhabit the place where I was and be present in it. On the one hand, “doing nothing” scared me. In all my persistent doubt of God, it was easy to assume the only animating energy for change in my love life came from me.

But on the other hand, a commitment like that excited me. At a few specific times in my life, giving up trying to make something happen has been precisely the point when very good things, and not ones of my doing, happened. The lasting fruit of those experiences is a deep longing to see God move in my life; to see things change because and how he wants them to. We always get angry when our plans are thwarted (a move easily interpreted as divine spite and mismanagement), but boy, is it exciting to have something good come into your life that you had nothing to do with.

So the do-nothing approach became my 2010 resolution. I took down all my online dating profiles and tried to focus on inhabiting my singleness. This meant, of course, not asking for a husband, but that was actually the easiest part. The thing about this group, you see, is that I don’t actually make a ton of requests for myself — at least not in such a specific sense. In fact, in the past few months, I’ve even become more cautious about specifically asking for marriage on behalf of others. How do I know that’s best for them, after all?

It’s one thing to pray that men as a group would become more willing to commit, but in practical terms, that means a lot of individuals changing, and the more I think about praying for some one person to change so specifically, the less comfortable I am asking for that. More and more I find myself praying around the postures of the Lord’s prayer: sonship, worship, evangelism, generosity and contentment, mercy and justice, reconciliation, spiritual warfare (as the pastor John Smed has termed them). And when it comes to relational needs, I’ve become most comfortable asking that God establish that person in a community where he or she can most flourish and be a blessing. That may well include a relationship or even marriage, but it may not.

At this point, I wish I could say to you, “And by the way, meanwhile, my circumstances actually did change and I met So-and-So.” But the changes I’ve undergone don’t much resemble the plot I would have suggested to God. I can tell you he’s at work at my life and that I love him. But there have been weeks when I’ve had to wash tear spots off my glasses almost daily.

I still hope it’s possible to someday marry, and to do so while my body is still able to bear children without outside assistance (which I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable seeking). But “someday” is by definition the future. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned through these three years of fasting and prayer about marriage, it’s that I’m called to live in the present. I may not know what the future holds, but there is never a present into which God cannot come. And when in his presence, the present is well with my soul.

Anna Broadway is a writer and web editor living in the San Francisco Bay area. She is the author of Sexless in the City: A Memoir of Reluctant Chastity. She has written for Her.meneutics about vibrators, prayer, more prayer, Eat Pray Love, dating cards, and Mel Gibson.

Comments

Fasting and praying for a husband is good, but unless you start to accept dates from God-loving Christian men, it means nothing.

I love this insight, Anna: "I may not know what the future holds, but there is never a present into which God cannot come." It reminds me of a story I heard in a sermon once where a man spoke to his pastor about two job offers, and wanted help figuring out whether God wanted him to take the job in Chicago or the one in St. Louis. "Seriously," the pastor pointed out, "can you imagine God saying, 'Well, I'd be happy to go with you to Chicago, but St. Louis? Not a chance!'"

Happily, Jesus promised to be with us always. He did not promise to make it easy, but he did say that it is better to be with him than to have any other existence without him. I know that my Redeemer lives (Job 19:25), and he has not only redeemed me but redeems my present each and every day.

Thanks for a great post, Anna.

Cheers,
Tim

Anna - I can very much relate to your season. I did not marry till 3 weeks before my 40th birthday. My decision to stop praying for a mate came gradually as I realized I was driving myself crazy obsessively looking over the fence into marriage, hoping, longing, pining away. My fasting came in the form of choosing different media that I consumed - things with romantic themes (even Christian romance) were taken very sparingly. It became very important to my spiritual and emotional health to simply accept where I was and ask God what he wanted to do in and through me as a single woman. I could trust him with the desire of my heart, and move on to other things. It proved a life-giving choice.

You talk about fertility - mine was gone by the time I married, but God allowed us to adopt a beautiful little girl. Obviously, God eventually (and mercifully) gave me the desires of my heart. However, I am only too aware of many of my friends whose desires have not yet been fulfilled, and I pray for them continually that their hearts will remain pliable to the Potter's touch as they wait.

Thanks for the great post and I pray grace for you to squeeze every ounce of God-given life out of the season you are in!

I see where Anna is coming from on one hand, because the need for a spouse can easily become an idol. On the other hand, we're told to come boldly before the throne and be persistent in our prayers. That's the message I received over and over a few weeks ago when I was seeking wisdom on this same subject. So, I pray and believe, thanking God for the spouse that he has for me, but, and this is a big "but", I also have to remember to delight in God, specifically Jesus, above all else. Once we do that, our needs fall into line.

This not asking could be applied to anything, and before long, prayer just becomes about the spiritual sides of our lives. God is in fact interested in everything to do with our lives. Also, if I were offered a job in Chicago and in St. Louis, you bet I'd pray about it because there could be a reason why God wants me in one city and not in the other. That minister sounds like he's got some problems in believing that God cares for everything we do.

K, of course you'd pray about it; any clear thinking Christian would. The point of the illustration was not to denigrate prayer. (If you got that impression, it was due to my poor communication skills and I apologize.) The point of the sermon illustration was that the man found himself paralyzed from making a decision because - even after prayerful consideration - he thought that having two choices meant only one of them was spiritually allowed and if he chose the wrong one he'd be out of God's will forever.

Cheers,
Tim

Sounds like you're in a great place with this issue. I would also encourage you to be as proactive as possible, given the challenge of getting married in today's evangelical environment. Online dating, asking for set-ups, expanding your social and ministry circles. Not obsessively, and while doing your best to enjoy and use your singleness for God's glory.

This brings back so many memories for me, as I did not get married until age 35. For my part, I had tried everything, given up, then resurrected hope after turning 30. But it was only when I had again tried everything, including dating people who did not interest me, that I finally came to the end of my own resources and realized I might well keep trying for the rest of my life and not find anyone. Only then was I bold enough to ask God to send me someone. I was quite honest with him that I really could not conceive of a life without kids and since I could not afford to adopt, I had to presume that He wanted me to be married. I guess my point is, if children are important to you, have you considered that single women can adopt? I have a good friend who has never married and has 3 adopted children. It isn't always easy, but it can be done.

Often a girl or a guy claims to be a Christian and yet is not chaste before marriage, by being physically sexually active with even one person in clear disobedience to God's word, regarding reserving oneself for one person in the context of marriage alone.

They then blame those of the opposite sex that they are unwilling to "commit", when in reality they were also "noncommitted" (not married) with numerous people before they met. If I was in my 20s or early thirties, I would never pick to marry a woman like the author of this piece. She still does not understand why any REAL Christian guy would not choose her to be married to, as she is now "unclean", "touched" by many, and unwilling to take full responsibility for making herself unavailable for honorable Christian guys in the first place to date and perhaps court.

I am now in my early 50s, married years ago, and it is very clear that younger "christian" women are even more careless or foolish about who they spend time with, before they get "serious", and desire to really "commit" to God first, and then to a man as Ephesians 5:22-24 tells her she must.

Her memoir is telling, as she describes herself as reluctantly chaste? Huh? Since when does a real Christian who is fully desiring to please God reluctant about it???

I appreciate Anna's view. I have been part of this same group that fasts and prays on Mondays and enjoyed contact with this online community. I also use the time to pray for marriages in trouble, infertile couples and those (single and couples) seeking adoption. I see my own church's new ministries to disciple and mentor men as answers to prayer. I'm in my 50's--way past the "expiration date" for marriage, and am more "used to" being single than "content" with it. I live a full life and am blessed with a great job and good friends. Yet, I would still love to grow old with someone. As long as the desire for a husband lingers, I will still pray.

Gene, how do you make that conclusion about Anna? I completely understand the term "reluctantly chaste." I'm pretty sure it means she wishes she were married. And she says nothing about her sexual past or lack of a sexual past in this article.

To add to Heather's questions for Gene, how do you reconcile your personal distaste for any woman who is not "untouched" with God's redeeming power, his mercy, and the blood of Jesus who washes us clean of our all sins? If being "touched" is a disqualifier for you, I would bet you've got plenty of sins that are disqualifiers for some women too. But God, in his sovereignty and grace, brought a woman into your life with whom you are compatible. Praise him for doing so.

And for those who find their life abundantly blessed by God without a marriage involved, praise him for doing that too. He has amazing riches for all of us.

Cheers,
Tim

P.S. If any women reading these comments wonders if Gene represents the majority male view, I can't say. All I can say is that no mature Christian man in my circle of friends has ever expressed similar views.

"Fasting and praying for a husband is good, but unless you start to accept dates from God-loving Christian men, it means nothing."

Barry, agreed. However, it's awfully hard to accept a date that nobody's initiating. Source: Almost 28 years of not having the option to accept a date, because none were ever offered.

As an aside to men in general (not just Barry), if you are asking a woman on a date, please say so. A lot of women are either oblivious to your intentions or really reluctant to assume that you're actually asking them on a date when so many times in the past, what they thought was going to be a date turned into a generic group activity (or what the assumption of a generic group activity turned into surprise when they were the only one that showed up).

Tim, thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.

Gene, you are absolutely correct about being chaste until marriage and committing oneself to the will of God. However, like Heather mentioned before, the author’s usage of “reluctantly chaste” refers to her desire to have a deep level of intimacy within the confines of marriage. Although Broadway doesn’t explicitly say so, her use of this term, along with her article as a whole, leads me to believe that she is pure. Therefore, I don’t believe that it’s fair of you to accuse her of something that she hasn’t even alluded to committing.

This isn't just a problem for single women who are Christians, it also concerns many Christian men too! I have been unfortunate enough to have lots of negative encounters with women, even unpleasant experiences, where I was basically being nice and pleasant to them, and getting a load of abuse and unpleasantness back, and for no good reason. It's very difficult to meet someone when you want to meet someone, I suppose for a number of reasons. We can't manipulate someone to like us, no matter how hard we try, anymore than we can like someone in that way if we just don't. And when someone gives off the appearance of needing a relationship, it can appear desperate, which always off-putting.

Perhaps instead of just hunting for a hubby, or hunting for a wife, we need to learn how to be better Christians, and also learn that its also ok to have good platonic friendships with the opposite sex without seeing every potential different-sex friend as spouse material!

I think that like many people, I went looking for potential girlfriends on a friday and saturday when out with my mates; and in my experience, meeting women in this way is very superficial and very rarely results in lasting relationships of any kind. So, what is the answer for us Christians? Just how do we put ourselves 'on the market' without appearing desperate, or without being sexually active, which of course is a no-no for Christians? If we trust God with everything else, we might need to trust Him for a fulfilling love life too! It's the most frustrating thing to want something, and be continually in some ways denied that; this is particularly so when we desire someone to love and share our faith and our lives and our hobbies.

Anna, this is a thoughtful post. Your comment about becoming more cautious about praying for others to be married particularly intrigued me. I have friends who are praying for a spouse, so thanks for the reflections.

p.s. re: "Her memoir is telling, as she describes herself as reluctantly chaste? Huh? Since when does a real Christian who is fully desiring to please God reluctant about it???" - I believe the answer to this question may be found in reading Romans 7 in its entirety. ;)

Gene, if you were familiar with Anna's other work, you would know that she is committed to remaining a virgin until she is married, despite what a struggle that can be in our culture, and despite her deep desire to give and receive love (she also knows good and well that sex does not equal love). Don't go pointing fingers where they shouldn't be pointed.

Thanks for your openness Anna. Thoughtful post.

We are all on different paths on our spiritual journey and God will ask each person to follow Him in a way that will look different than somebody else's path.

We all have different tempermants, different stengths and weaknesses and different callings.

If Anna senses she is in a season where she needs to lay off praying for a mate- perhaps God is trying to reveal Himself to her by using this method.

My story is the opposite.

I went YEARS without praying for a mate. It's only been in the past few years that I have felt peace about BOLDY COMING TO THE THRONE OF GOD and now I pray for a mate alot more and it's a wonderful feeling and very liberating.

For years I thought I was being more spiritual by "denying" myself this desire for a mate and I was actually obssessed with "being content without a mate".

It doesn't really matter what we make an idol- whether it's our desire for a mate, or our desire to shut it off- an idol is an idol- if the desire is for the thing we pray for is stronger than the desire for God Himself.

There is no formula, but please know that our desire for marriage is a GOOD THING and it comes from God.

"am now in my early 50s, married years ago, and it is very clear that younger "christian" women are even more careless or foolish about who they spend time with, before they get "serious", and desire to really "commit" to God first, and then to a man as Ephesians 5:22-24 tells her she must.

Her memoir is telling, as she describes herself as reluctantly chaste? Huh? Since when does a real Christian who is fully desiring to please God reluctant about it???"

Since when!? Since the beginning of the Church. And when in history has their been a "real Christian who is fully desiring to please God" about anything, let alone chastity.

And "desire to really commit to God" before committing to a man? Gee, whiz, I bet she never thought of that one!

And by the way someone who has been "married years ago" sounds in this matter remarkably like someone rebuking a bedouin for being thirsty.

I've found more and more that prayer is NOT about asking God to change my circumstances. It's about asking God to CHANGE ME. There are circumstances in my life right now that are beyond my control. (Isn't most of life?) So I pray. And pray. And pray. But not for resolution. For God to teach me, for a humble spirit, for faith and hope regardless of my circumstances.

In this context, I think it would mean that instead of praying for a husband, a woman would pray for God to use her fully in whatever relationship circumstances she finds herself.

I don't see that as a bad place to be.

I'm in my late 30's and I've stopped praying for a mate... in that I've prayed for him to come and believe that he will reveal himself in time without me praying every night for it. Instead , I ask God to strengthen my faith in Him to believe that it's already done and let frustrations cause it to waver. I fight the urge to tell myself that perhaps it's not meant to be as a way preparing myself for possible disappointment. In the meantime, I can only be responsible for me. I'm far from perfect and although I date occasionally, I seem to lack discernment at times and rush into relationships that are sooo not worth my time and emotion. I've been thirsty for many years and now I realize that it's truly time for me to surrender to God's will. He already knows the desires of my heart so I don't need to tell him how to make it happen. These days, instead of praying for God to send my a husband. I ask God to fix whatever's lacking in me; renew my mind, soften my heart, allow me to be there for people who need me that I don't even know yet as well as those already in my life. I'm not chasing rainbows anymore. I'm living in the present.. and I God this day for my daily bread... teach me to be content. because you can get what your after and it be a whooole lot of something you're not prepared for!!

I feel you, i have been there and you are on the right path. Enjoy your singleness serving the lord. He that will come will come while you are occupied doing the lord's work. I paryed so long for my husband to come and suprise, he has always been there but i never knew it. I even tried to run away from him but God worked on my heart. We are married today, very in love now (i did not fall in love, i grew in love)and with three children and Jesus is the centre of our home. He will answer your prayers prayed. Hold on and dont forget to enjoy yourself (in a holy way) while waiting in God's waiting room.

Praise the Lord for the ways He grows us. Thank you for sharing your journey.

My husband and I work on a Christian college campus, and sometimes the students are consumed with praying for/finding a spouse. But the focus is off. And I think the larger Christian community is somewhat to blame. A lot of the times, our conversations tend to be, "WHEN you get married," instead of, "IF you get married." I am very cautious to ever say to someone I am mentoring, "God has someone picked out for you," because the reality is - I don't know. Not everyone gets married. I don't know what God has planned, but I know it will bring Him glory and make us more into the likeness of Christ.

I guess I'm just saying, we all need to be a little bit more careful when speaking about marriage in the Christian context.

I think it's totally understandable that Christian college students would be consumed by their search for a mate. Most people hit puberty in their early teens, and yet have to wait until at least 22 to marry. That right there is a very long wait, biologically speaking. And many are aware that marriage is not happening at 22 for most people these days. Yes some may not marry, many will marry at an older age, but it is no mystery to me why the body is throwing off hormonal "emergency!" signals during those years and especially beyond.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts and insights on this timely subject. The desire for being married is not of course limited to the young, never-yet marrieds. As an older (62 year-old) divorced woman I can attest to still longing to be in a marital relationship with a Christian man. In fact, I have many friends who are single again as a result of unwanted divorce or death of a mate, and almost all long to be married again. The overwhelmingly important challenge raised in the article and in the comments to it were right on target as they suggest a focal realignment -- to pray for God's will for us rather than trying to impose our understanding of what is best for us upon him through our prayers. Believe me, I know this is not easy. I try to remind myself that being single does have its advantages, just as the Apostle Paul stated. Nevertheless, I truly miss having loving, physical arms to enwrap me as I fall asleep at night or having a mate to assist me with those two-person tasks around the home. For some reason, I just never imagined "singleness" would come to me again. Foolish, I know, but an honest admission just the same.

I have a bigger problem that christians assuming that it will happen based on some biblical assumption, its just waiting for the right time or something like that. There is no scriptual references in the Bible that people will get married to good christian spouse (christian, educated, healthy, good character etc) or even get married. In fact, most of the marriages in the bible would be marriages that modern day american christians would reject. There were plenty of Leahs who wasn't loved by her own husband Jacob. Abigail who had to be with a stupid man like Nabal. etc.. and even Jesus's mother Mary was married to a really financially poor guy like Jospeh. The point is that Jesus is more than sufficient despite of this! That he is more than sufficient even if there is no marriage or a bad marriage. I'm sick and tired of hearing women and women lament that God has a "Special Person" for them when it never makes those promises. The most it says that its good to be married - so get a wife. And sadly women,that does not mean there is a promise that we will get picked. It only promise is that Jesus is enough, nothing less or more can change that. So christian men and women need to get over these unbiblical promises and focus on the Gospel.

So many comments on this post.. I wonder why I would add another one. I am married for the third time to someone amazing that God brought to me after I was widowed 12 years ago. I had two very bad marriages and then He blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. I was 54 when this happened and living in an area with very few single Christian men.

God loves to bring people together and it is important to remember that He can do it anywhere at any moment. He knows the desires of our hearts and even when we forget them.. He remains faithful to fulfill them. My story is proof of this. I did nothing to deserve this. He did it because He loves me and He is in the business of giving good gifts to His children.. marriage to the right person is one of those gifts.

Take a look at my blog for more on this topic and others.
Blessings,
Alicia

Thank you; your post came on time!
God bless you

It is good to remember that it is better to want what you don't have than to have what you don't want. Be careful what you pray for. A bad decision in the area of marriage can have lifelong consequences.

There are no men - really ?
I spent much of my twenties being rejected by women at college or in the church. The experiences were painful, but I just committed it to God, and trusted that he would provide me with a wife.
By my late twenties, I realised that being in a home church where the young men outnumbered young women three to one, wasn't helping, so I moved to a much larger church.
This didn't help. I asked one woman why she seemed to be avoiding me. She wrote me a letter to apologise, confessing that she was indeed avoiding me, but only because she was worried I would ask her out.
And then in my thirties I met a lovely young woman who I fell head over heels in love with. She however was more interested in a guy in the church whose marriage was failing. I was utterly heart broken.
After all the unanswered prayer, I just stopped believing that God answers prayer at all, but I kept going to church. Then I had to deal with the loss of what was left of my family, with no support from a partner or from the church.
That is when I became an ex christian.

I am now in my fifties, and still single.
What have I learned?
He who puts his trust in God is a fool. The treatment of singles by the church and the effect of unanswered prayer are the two main reasons why people are leaving the church in droves.
Try not to think of yourself as single. In doing so you define yourself contantly as someone who has failed to become part of a couple. This can only lead to depression.

I think John's experiences with Christian women is all too familiar and common in churches today. My own experiences kind of confirm this. I had an experience where a single Christian woman, who attended my church, would seek me out on Sunday morning, sit next to me and share the hymnal, etc. One Sunday I asked her if she would be interested in some Sunday brunch after the service. To my surprise, she went into a tirade saying that she was insulted that I thought of her in that way - she was my sister in Christ, thats all. Then there was the time another single Christian woman invited me over to her parents home for a birthday party. At the party, she introduced me to another man (who lived out of the area) who she said was her boyfriend and they planned on getting married. Why was I invited? I stopped going to church and never looked back.

Yes, we're to persist in prayer, but we can reach a point sometimes where it's clear we're just banging our head against a wall. I've come to such points, where I had to acknowledge God wasn't wanting to give me that yet.

But... we can always ask God to make us ready to receive that blessing, whenever the time is right. I would recommend praying this rather than nothing, and it can help us to be at peace about the whole situation.

Every now and then I will post to a article like this.I am 50. A christian for 32 years and have never slept with anyone. Hugh. Imagine that! I rarely pray anymore for a husband. I do however continue to pray for grace for contentment and for protection from many men who for me would be alot of work and 'counseling projects'. I don't know anymore that I really want to marry. Sorry but I see more unhappy and unhealthy marriages than I do good ones. Our time in this body is short compared to eternity with Christ. I love my Lord and only He alone fullfills my heart.!

Kinds of reminds me of rfeminds me of the "you didnt send anyone to rescue me story".
Here's my version.

Man prays steadfastly in expectation for a wife. Decades past and he gets rejected time and time again. He remains expectant of God's promises despite his suffering.
One day he has an accident at home, and because he has nobody living with him to help him, he dies.
When he gets to heaven he asks God why he didn't send anyone. God replies "I did, I sent over a hundred. All of them would have been absolutely perfect for you. They would have enriched your life, and you would have enriched theirs.
But when they took a look at you their general comment was YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING! free will - its a bummer"

Very interesting to read this article. My heart weeps for the guys who turned their backs on church bc of stupid women! ARGH! I can understand the feeling of the author. I never had a boyfriend until I was in grad school. I was too involved with myself and my own 'big' plans. I think that society wants women to assert their independence and have no room for a man in their lives. I was really gungho about proving to the world that I could make it on my own and be successful while at it. It was only when I started to admit that being feminine, even admitting my needfulness ( is that a word? )is part of how God made me. I went to a Christian university in eastern United States and boy do I know a lot about the 'Christian' culture that American women tend to imprison themselves in. Christian Culture is not confounded in North American's interpretation/practice/traditions of so-called culture. If its your desire to get married, by all means, ask everyone around you if they know someone. My family is Asian, many of my friends are African christians and we connect everyone to one another. We have not, cos we ask not. I'm a firm believer in Ask Seek and Knock! And being bold enough to ask everyone around you for help when you need it. I know my African Christian friends who met their godly wives through family members, and they initiated that move. Christian women in general, in this North American culture of Christianity are afraid to develop friendships, connections, etc of men. I know women in my church are like that. It's like the man has to do all the work! Yes, I believe men should do the looking, but women as God has made them should also do the inviting so they can be found! I say, if you desire to get married, get all the help around you! There's nothing to be ashamed about it.

Here are some suggestions that may help:
1) Christian women should not be afraid to serve single christian men, i.e. cook them yummy meals! They will appreciate it!

2)Be friendly... don't be shy... Smile =) Develop a love for people, and really get to know them, ask them about their life, ask them what you can do to serve them and do it. Don't be afraid to tell men that you are looking!!! how else would they know otherwise!

3) Just in case you have homeschool hair... just modernize a bit. Put some lipstick on and maybe a little blush. Get your eyebrows done, look pretty!

4) enjoy life! Smile! laugh!

5) after you finish praying, get off your knees and go out there and serve the community! there are lots of men to meet. I know soooo many men who cannot meet any woman. Where are the women hiding? they're all in their rooms praying. Faith without works is dead!

As an infertile woman who's stopped praying (though I still can't seem to stop myself hoping) for children.....thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Walking with God can be confusing and advice from (well meaning) Christians can be .....unhelpful. I was very encouraged by your post and I pray that God would be close to you and strong at work in your today- whatever that looks like. x

Thanks for sharing, Anna. I'm only 22 and I'm grappling with both Christian circles who are urging me to get married and have kids and those who say I have plenty of time and I need to stop rushing. The main thing is, walk with Jesus, whatever that looks like. I'd never wish struggling on you, but it's nice to know I'm not alone in disliking the waiting confusion.

This reminds of this story (which I hope is not applicable) where a friend of mine joined an all-women's Bible study. She was at a point in her life where she wanted to make some female friends, so that was her strategy. To her horror, week after week, one of the most regular prayer concerns of these 20's-somethings (and 20's-plus-teens) was that they would like God to bring a Christian boyfriend into their lives. My friend befriended some of them and asked them what that would look like, and the women wanted to be passive; to "try" to get a boyfriend was equivalent to distrust in God. (My friend, being a relatively new Christian, and already dating -- now married close to a decade and a half -- was shocked and told me of this pathology!)

I have seen this and hope and pray it is not the case. Satirically, if I applied it to a new job, it would be equivalent to an employer, cold calling you, not knowing why he/she wanted to do it, telling you he/she had a 6-digit salaried job that was the perfect job for you, while you had not sent out any resumes/cover letters and didn't want to interview. (The parallels between dating and job searches are amusing.)

I am a man, now husband and proud father of a little one. I was in my late 30's when I got married. I have several observations watching singles in their 20's and 30's and thinking about the issue of singleness, marriage and dating (and everything in-between).

First is that it isn't distrusting God to go out and do something. Haddon Robinson once noted that someone wrote him a $20 check out of the blue, saying that God had laid [him and his wife] on their hearts, and Haddon thanked God. But yet, why is it, Haddon wondered, that he doesn't always thank God that God provided him a job to provide for his needs? We mustn't think that "normal" means is any less supernatural than extraordinary means, or that if we have to make an effort (including work) that it lessens our dependence on God.

Second, we need to take 1Corinthians 7 seriously. The context might be that there is an error in the Corinthian church where they were trying to practice "Heaven on earth" where they would not allow marriage, they would encourage married people not to have marital relations, and so on. It was an over-glorification of singleness. The apostle Paul gives these two complementary gifts: marriage and singleness, both for the edification of the church. Two of the greatest "Christian" leaders (Jesus of Nazareth and the apostle Paul) were single. John R. W. Stott was single. So was Amy Carmichael. Singleness is not a time for pining but a time of service to the church. God uses both of these gifts also to help in the holiness of believers, whether the individual or with the church. Yet marriage was not to be denigrated; it too, is a beautiful gift. Yet we should not fall into an opposite error of requiring (or encouraging) that all Christians be married, or that they are unfit for service if they are single. God has called people to be married or to be single for a time (and in Heaven, where there is no marriage or giving in marriage and no marital relations)... anyway. God calls us to be holy, so we should ask of Him what it is at this point in time He wishes us to learn.

Singleness is also a time of celibacy, since the marital union, well, is that! The place of sex is within the context of a committed marital union between one man and one woman, husband and wife.

Third, certain women are very popular and also certain men are very popular. Sadly to say, we are fallen creatures, and as such, we are prone follow what some people term "evolutionary biology," i.e., men look for young, good-looking (read: fertile, desirable) women; women look for alpha males, confident, powerful, articulate. There's only a small number of those.

Instead, the Bible teaches about looking at character, whether through stories like Ruth or the teachings of Proverbs. Why not spend time, investing in relationships, observing in groups and individually one-on-one (gasp! dating?) to attempt to discern these things?

The Book of Ruth is also remarkable as courtship goes. Here's a woman, a Moabitess (not an Israelite!) widow, and then a man of sterling character (generous, strong of character, willing to do the right thing even if it does not benefit him), perhaps an older man (by his own admission in Ruth 3:10 "you have not gone after young men, whether poor or rich"). Ruth is the one who takes the initiative.

I've known of a number of excellent Christian men, and by and large, they all got married later in life (i.e., 30 or older). Reasons for getting married later in life aside, if say, a Christian woman were to ask me where they might find such an excellent Christian man, I might do several things.

1) I might have a dinner with my wife and the two people and introduce them and see where it leads.
2) I would encourage the Christian woman to explore her connections and networks, say pastors and elders and ministry leaders and so on. (Involve both the man and his wife if it involves a married man.)

Ask who they might know and so on.

3) Make sure you have some free (unscheduled) time.
Dr. Phil was asked by three single women why they weren't able to find anyone. Upon questioning, he found out they fully booked their schedules; there was no free time and everything had to be scheduled. Guess what?! Romance and relationship-building requires time (and arguably spontaneity). I know many women don't want to be figuratively waiting by the phone for some guy to call, so I might suggest that one redeem one's free time with hobbies that are easy to pick up or put down or reschedule.

4) If it ain't working, change it.
My wife told me before we got married that if one is not meeting anyone doing one's regular routine, it's time to change that routine (quoting Henry Cloud's "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping": changing your traffic pattern). If a single woman is only spending time with other women, going to events with only married people, going to some place where there are no eligible Christian men, then it's time to modify or change that schedule.

5) work on your character and social skills.

6) I liked Jen's suggestions. Here are some more.

Like a guy? Bake him cookies, brownies. Make him a nice homecooked meal. Respect him and say something that shows it. Smile. Write him a nice card if he pays for a date. Keep the positive vibes/energy going.

There are plenty of things I would teach guys, but this is not so much a blog for men ;)

Regarding:
Posted By: Vicki | September 28, 2011 10:13 AM

Interesting, but that was one downer of a post, Vicki.

Vicki said, "So christian men and women need to get over these unbiblical promises and focus on the Gospel."

Christians are not unfeeling robots. Some of them really deeply struggle with prolonged singleness, which can create loneliness and sexual desires going unmet, which ain't easy either.

To just brush this aside callously as you have done is insensitive and not, IMO, even biblical. You are to weep with your sisters in Christ who are weeping about being single, not bash them for the pain and frustration they are in.

To John: I'm very sorry. I can see you've been through some very painful ordeals.

I'm in a similar situation as you, but a bit younger and I haven't completely stopped believing in God.

I still believe that Christ died for my sins and rose again, but I'm at a point where I am really struggling with many of the other things I believed for years.

I used to sincerely believe that if I prayed, waited, and had faith (as I was told by my mother to do) that God would send me a husband, and that it would happen (I also heard famous pastors say the same thing), but it never happened. And over the years, I did attend Christian singles classes and I tried dating sites.

After a life time of living for God, genuinely trying to please Him, having faith, etc., I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

Other Christians will tell you to cling to the promises of the Bible and to keep praying, but I'm tired, and not seeing any results.

I'm also tired of seeing and reading testimonies by people who were literally porn stars and prostitutes (or muggers and drug dealers) who say after they became Christians in their 30s or 40s or beyond that they became married to godly spouses.

I cannot understand why I, who lived a clean and sexually pure life my whole life, am still without a spouse at my age (past 35).

Why would God permit or send a former prostitute a good husband, but not someone like me, who consistently lived out a Christian lifestyle since she was a child? It makes all the years of devotion seem so pointless and a waste.

As for the post by Jen - you probably mean well, but you have got to be kidding.

Any church I go to the females out number the males,and that is the same ordeal for many other females I've seen on Christian blogs.

Also getting a husband is not a matter of "fix yer hair really purity and dust on some rouge and a apply lip stick and you'll get a man fer shure!"

Being a stunning beauty is no guarantee of getting a mate. I stay thin, wear pretty dresses, look stunning, but none of that has helped me marry.

It's also trite advice singles get tired of hearing, such as,
"If you'd just do more of X you would get a man," or "If you would do less of Z you'd get a man"

To Casie: 35 and then 40 will be here faster than you realize it. When you're 22, you feel like time is on your side. It isn't.

And the advice about "pray, trust the Lord, wait, and he will send you a man" doesn't work either, but then, I've also seen women say that "putting yourself out there" (such as joining lots of dating sites, etc) doesn't always work either.

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