Her.meneutics: Why Singles Need Married Friends

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« The Sin Behind My Swearing | Main | Inviting Christ to the Dinner Table »

September 13, 2011

Why Singles Need Married Friends

Instead of looking to celebrity couples to uphold our marital ideals, we should look to real couples in our midst.

Alicia Cohn

I breathed a sigh of relief upon finding out the rumors of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's separation were false.

In Touch magazine first reported the couple’s split, after 13 years of marriage. Rumors of infidelity quickly followed, and later it seems Pinkett Smith was spotted without her wedding ring. It seems that was all it took.

Not them too! I thought, genuinely upset, when I first read the headline.

Why is that?

There’s something about a capsized marriage that bothers people who are on the outside looking in. These days, after all, it starts to seem like every marriage is just a divorce waiting to happen. We live in a culture that is in perpetual doubt about marriage. How can we not be? The national divorce rate, according to the Census Bureau, is 9.2 for men and 9.7 for women.

In response to our poor marriage rates, some have glorified divorce — ”it's not so bad, kids!” — while others have embraced the idea of avoiding marriage all together, settling instead for serial monogamy or cohabitation.

The church has not escaped these signs of doom. People doubting the possibility of the lifelong covenant that is marriage, though, are better off looking to couples in their midst rather than celebrity pairs.

I am fortunate to know a few couples whose marriages make me wonder nothing so much as, "How do they do that?" At the same time, I kind of don't want to know the day-to-day mechanics of how they pull off a happy marriage; it's enough to know that they do. I suspect that's due to our cultural conditioning: We have been taught, through movies and books, that happy endings come when someone says “I do.” After that, it’s all downhill.

I don't mean to advocate a more mundane perspective on marriage (though the romanticism of marriage hasn't done many of us much good), but isn't there something refreshing about the response of the Smiths' publicist in the face of hyped divorce rumors? Apparently, when TMZ called Pinkett Smith's spokeswoman for a response, she simply said, "I know nothing about this . . . I'm going back to bed." (The couple was later forced to respond to a public hungry for reassurance.)

Sure, celebrity gossip is a quagmire, but the cultural furor over divorce rumors, and the apparent responsibility that accompanies a healthy, high-profile marriage, indicate our society’s deeper fear about the lasting significance of marriage, and a strong need for assurance that somebody out there can make a commitment and stick with it.

From experience, I know that spending time with married couples — the kind of couples who have settled into the day-to-day reality of being married, to the point of taking marriage for granted — is reassuring.

Although pop culture might have us believe differently — a la the pox on Bridget Jones when hanging out with her married acquaintances — it is possible to fellowship with folks post-marriage vows, and I think that kind of communion can benefit both sides. That’s something we as communities of believers, groups of friends composed of singles and marrieds alike, can work to cultivate. We can't count on celebrity couples, or In Touch magazine, to do the heavy lifting for us.

True, there are plenty of arguments made by smart Christians to take care in relationships with the opposite sex. I believe this is one of the main reasons why in Christian communities, wives might be friends with single women and husbands with single men. But it still seems rare and fragile for husbands and wives to share single friends. Single friends, in fact, seem to be ”phased out” following many a marriage.

Ultimately, and probably unintentionally, the belief that the sexes need to be kept separate seems to have inspired a fear of men and women keeping company. Certainly, there are plenty of cases where cross-gender friendships led to sexual sin . . . much as marriage has typically preceded divorce. (You see where I’m going with this.)

Much like Pinkett Smith’s publicist, I don’t have a lot of patience when obstacles seem like a lot of talk. In this case, barriers created between members of the church community are made of fear and envy. Fear that a man and woman might be consumed by temptation, and envy of one another’s marital status. I don’t mean to preach condemnation, and can share only my own experience, but from that experience I know how very much I would not want to miss out on friendships with married couples because of some rumor of disaster.

I would feel the same way about marriage, by the way. Should married Christians fear divorce? Should they hold themselves accountable to a society built solely of other married couples? I am not married, so cannot answer these questions. I can only say to the married couples in my acquaintance: Your marital status doesn’t frighten me, but rumors of your divorce hurt me. I want to help avoid them.

How have the marriages of couples around you affected you?

Comments

Again this is a post that just screams out for a good discussion of Brennan's Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions. The church just does not want to acknowledge that there is importance in cross-gender friendship.

Just out of pure pragmatism, if you want to have a good marriage when/if you do get married, one of the best ways to do that is to have good marriage mentors. Be around people that are real and honest, but still have good marriages. We all know that no marriage is perfect and that we all screw up, but you can see good marriages and we should spend time around people that have good marriages. Especially those marriages that are about 10 years our senior. People that are about 10 years older than us, are young enough that we can still relate well, but old enough to have learn something about life that we have not.

Before marriage my husband and I spent a lot of time with various friends from roughly our age group in church, a few married and most not. After marriage we continued this habit - having these friends over for dinner, being part of their housewarmings and dinner parties, inviting them to ours, and so on. It's been relatively easy as a childless couple to continue a similar social life. The only conflict that comes up is whether to do date night on Fridays or girls' night. Several of our formerly single friends have gotten married recently and also continue spending time with both marrieds and singles.

What I can't yet see well is how our current way of maintaining friendships will work once kids come, starting in a few months for us. Somehow I don't see some of our not-too-child-loving male friends wanting to come over for dinner with a screaming baby and I don't see us staying out until 11 talking about things deep and trivial any more. Hopefully some of my married-with-kids friends will teach me!

KT, as a single person with a best friend who's married and has three kids, I'll tell you that it can be done -- and further, that it will be appreciated. It's not so much a matter of "can we still have them over to dinner as often." It's more a matter of just making them feel that they still matter to you and that they're welcome in your lives and in your kids' lives.

KT, I am single and my best friends are married (to each other!) and have 3 kids, and I love it! I know our friendship looks different than would a friendship of just adults, and it helps that I LOVE kids, but I wouldn't have it any other way! I get the joy of sharing their kids, who are like nieces and nephews to me. Sure, we're not likely to do the late nights talking - but we can go to places and do things that wouldn't be as fun without kids along (i.e. State Fairs, museums, cultural events...). Your single friends are likely to love your kids too. :-)

"Fear that a... woman might envy another’s marital status."

This has been the biggest obstacle for my husband and I as almost ALL of our friends are still single. Some of our guy friends are bitter that everyone is getting married, and some of our girl friends are lonely and so desire a relationship. Then a lot of friends think we're that boring married couple now and somehow don't have time or desire to hang out anymore?

But we've found that we need to maintain those friendships, as singles can OBVIOUSLY still speak into married's lives and help them grow in sanctification, even though they aren't married. We need their support and we need time away from each other to intentionally invest in friendships with the same sex.

Thanks for the thoughts, Alicia!!

Really excellent thoughts on the need for cross-gender friendships and Christian community. Knowing a variety of married couples - and by 'knowing' I mean intentionally spending different kinds of time with them - is one of the best antidotes to unrealistic or overly romanticized visions of what marriage is supposed to be. Speaking as a fellow single person, I've appreciated the married relationships in my life for helping me have a healthy perspective on the whole thing; it's also helped me think in more constructive ways about what constitutes quality time, and how to creatively make that happen. Thanks for your thoughts.

I wish the church would remove the stigma of single/married people of the opposite sex being good friends.

My husband has had the opportunity to be a "brother" to a number of single women - either in times of crisis, or in an ongoing friendship. They are women that I am friends with too, but he is the primary friend. A lot of beauty has come out of those relationships....but there would be a big stigma about it in most churches.

Also, I agree with Adam Sheilds above....Dan Brennans's book, "Sacred Unions Sacred Passions" is a must-read.

You have brought up an issue that is only going to be of greater importance in the days ahead, especially as the boomers age. It isn't just an issue of young adulthood where all are initially single and over time many tie the knot, as has been presented so far in this blog.But many of those married now will find themselves 'single again' through death of a spouse or divorce. As a divorced woman of 57 with grown children and young grandchildren, I would think it most unhealthy and limiting to only associate with other women, single or married. When my friends' husbands take the time to talk and associate with me, I find my world enriched. Cross-gender relationships are crucial to emotional and spiritual health. We must face the fact that even those with strong marriages may experience significant time as a single adult if their spouse dies prematurely. The church must grapple with how singles can be fully assimilated into the church as equals with married people as the percentage of Christian singles continues to rise. Any ideas?

I agree the evangelical community needs to address the huge gap between singles and married couples. I would suggest evangelicals have to rethink what community, marriage, friendship look like. There are not many books out there encouraging singles and the married couple tom integrate toward a communal oneness of marriage and deep friendship extending beyond a marital spirituality of the couple. Yet, singles are now one of the church's largest demographic. Thank you Adam and Jennifer for the book plug!

Though I completely agree with Alicia's main point, I find it interesting how many here seem to have immediately conceived "friendship" as a one-on-one relationship. While that may sometimes be true, or describe certain interactions in a particular relationship, I've actually found my group interactions with married couples and married friends the most enriching. There's a difference between friendships that exist in community and those where intimacy and solitude are prized and even sought out (a point I won't elaborate on here). But, actually, one of the things I so appreciate about my married friends is how they immediately connect me to community.

As a single person, most of the relationships in my life are characterized by a fair degree of instability. Overt commitment of any kind is rare. That affects not just my relationships with others but the overall stability of any group of single people of which I'm part. But when I'm friends with a married couple, our community of even just three automatically has more commitment, because at least two members share a relationship defined by overt commitment. To me there is something immensely reassuring about the friendships characterized by that dynamic -- and I think that's part of why others' relational conflicts and divorces can be so threatening to outsiders: when those relationships suffer, it affects not just that connection, but weakens the larger community of which it is part.

But I also think married/single friendships are valuable because they challenge the different kinds of myopia that trouble both modes of life. Contact with my married friends put a lot "single-person problems" in context, but I'm sure that contact with me also gives those friends access to a larger world than the rhythms of raising young children, shuttling kids to and from school, and so on. We need each other, and we each have unique resources (more time and money, perhaps, in some cases, more stability and capacity for hospitality, maybe, in others) to offer to each other.

Anna,

I think you bring up a good point about being freinds in community. There is so much good there.

I guess I get nervous though when that is the only way friendship gets talked about....especially when it comes to the opposite sex friend. Sometimes it can end up feeling like you the friend (single or not) can't have a one-on-one friendship with the opposite sex person. I think this is something we need to get over.

I get sad whenever I hear about celebrities breaking up, even though I don't even intentionally follow celebrities. I think I get sad because it's an indication of the way the culture (especially celebrity culture) seems to view marriage as disposable. It's so casual - like dating - and I just see it infecting so many lives.

You make a great point in this article. I find my husband and I are friends with a lot of single people. :)

I don't think people should get legalistic about one-on-one interactions, but it's honestly pretty rare that I find myself in situations like that with men -- even more rare that I seek such out (and there would almost always be either a romantic interest or need to resolve a conflict behind the desire for privacy). When I do end up with one man alone, it's usually either a date or a situation that often tends to foster emotional intimacy, thereby injecting confusion into the relationship -- especially if it's a repeat occurrence, rather than a one-time thing.

But, honestly, in a lot of situations, I feel like the dynamic C.S. Lewis describes (which I talked about in my "emotional chastity" post) is really true: the presence of others often enriches the conversation, rather than detracting from it. I'm the only woman on a five-person team at work, and so many of our recurring jokes and humor are all the better for having multiple people chip in.

With women friends, of course, I much more often seek time during which I can confide in them -- but I think that's precisely because there's a desire for emotional connection. Something I've really been realizing in the last month is that I haven't prioritized same-sex friendships enough. To have spent more time with other women lately has been a consistent blessing. And if tight friendships with other men are contributed to MEN's health and correlated to greater sexual/relationship health in their relationships with women (as I believe I've read), it seems that friendships with other women probably have a similar importance for us as women.

It sounds like you're saying that emotional intimacy between male-female friends should only occur in a romantic situation, or as a one-time occurance. I understand that some people would be more comfortable in that scenario, but for me that would feel so limiting. Emotional closeness doesnt have to be something to be afraid of.

I would say C.S. Lewis, dare I say it, offers a mid-twentieth century, masculine view of friendship. Prior to the emergence of Eastern European sexologists, friendships were not just "side by side" and about something--but they included a strong element of "face to face" (transparency, vulnerability, deep emotional connection, etc.). This was true for both sexes--in paired friendships.
Anna, I would suggest if one looks how friendships and chastity are viewed beyond the immediate evangelical community, love and friendship includes deep emotional/spiritual connection with friends. There are a number of books, essays by Roman Catholics which suggest friendships are journeys of communion with your neighbor--a "union of heart and mind."

For many evangelicals "communion" in friendship for singles--especially with those who are married is rare if any of the recent books published by evangelicals who are single are an indication.

Its Our lifestyle. Its comforting to know that if our relationships or marriages don't work out we can always leave and likely find someone else without breaking a sweat. When someone says "I do" to the words "til death do us part" what they really mean is "til boredom do us part". Its sad to think that children are pulled into financial and legal muck because "til death do us part" is no longer the only option. Its selfishness and partially greed. BUt our lifestyle no longer goes hand in hand with survival as I'm sure it once did and when "til death do us part" meant being buried in side-by-side graves. I Wouldn't be surprised to discover a study indicating that mankind has evolved more in the last 50 years than in all of human existence.

I think there are some dynamite comments here, and have no great insights to add, but I do remember an incident early on in married life that helped me understand how singles might view us.

A single friend had come over for the afternoon, and as it got later we asked her to stay for dinner. I think being single might have contributed to the speed with which she accepted. Her eagerness turned to disgust as she watched us take out some tortilla chips, open a can of refried beans, grate some cheese and proceed to make a platter of nachos.

"You guys eat like single people!"

Yep, the secret's out. Your married friends are just like you single folks.

Single people might need married people in their lives, but let me tell you that the reverse is true, too! Even after being married for 35 years, I, we, need single people in our lives!

There's a fullness, a sense of community when we're all not like one another. When everyone brings something to the table, there's a richness that evolves in our relationships, in our churches, in our neighborhoods.

Two of my closest friends are single. My life has a deeper, more sensitive perspective because they are a part of my world.

There is no question that having happily married friends, is great for singles.

One caveat, though, many affairs and divorces start with proximity. A man or a woman may not set out to stray down this path, but spending time alone with a "friend" of the opposite sex can lead to trouble. Be wise in how you handle these friendships.

One other note, I don't think good marriages ever involve "taking marriage for granted." That can also lead to unintended consequences!

"I can only say to the married couples in my acquaintance: Your marital status doesn’t frighten me, but rumors of your divorce hurt me. I want to help avoid them."

Alicia this is a wonderful insight reminding us of how our lives, the good and the bad, affect everyone around us whether we are married or single.

I will preface this with - I love kids and this is a way I enjoy serving my married friends - I've been known to call up some friends of mine and say "You all need a date night - I'll watch the kids for you" - because otherwise they'd never be able to get out of the house and just be alone together. I see it as a ministry opportunity to do what I can to keep my friends' marriages healthy. I don't do it often; but I figure a free babysitter is a nice thing once in awhile.

I relish witnessing my married friend interact - I was raised in a dysfunctional home - my parents divorced by the time I was 5. Its a wonderful thing watching and witnessing my friends interact so that I can see how a marriage should work (or what to avoid). That way, if I ever get married I will have more knowledge.

Our small group is made up of both couples and singles and I love it. It brings me to tears when my single friend prays for our marriages and our parenting. I feel better in touch with the struggles of singlehood because of our weekly contact. Our small group meals take on extra significance because it is a weekly family meal around a table that means a lot to those who go home most nights to a quiet house.

this article is disappointing at best. it makes single people look like orphans who are staring through dining room windows, looking from the outside in at happy families, and it sets marriage up as the ultimate station in life. you'd be hard pressed to find that perspective in the Bible. (Jesus? Paul?)

married people have as much to learn from singles who live out their singleness well as we singles have to learn from those who are married.

i would appreciate a more nuanced, more equiatable perspective.

I am single 41 years old female. I don't think about my singleness much. I keep my eyes focused on Jesus. We place too much importance on male female relationships. If God wants me to get married then cupid better hit me over the head with a two by four. I enjoy my singleness. Life is too short to worry about things I have no control over. Enjoy the ride people. Make yourselves useful and yield to your Saviour. Live each day as if it were your last... for one day you will be right!

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