Her.meneutics: The Sin Behind My Swearing

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The Christianity Today women's blog provides news and analysis from the perspective of evangelical women. We cover news stories and books related to international justice and evangelism, pregnancy and sexual ethics, marriage, parenting, and celibacy, pop culture, health and body image, raising girls, and women in the church and parachurch.

Her.meneutics is edited by associate editor Katelyn Beaty and online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey.

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September 12, 2011

The Sin Behind My Swearing

Cussing out the didgeridoo in front of 5 kids only illuminated a bigger problem.

Elrena Evans

In my defense, it hadn't been a good afternoon.

My 6-year-old had a friend over, so I was watching five kids instead of the usual four. My 4-year-old was crying because the game he wanted to play on the computer wasn't working, my 3-month-old was crying because she wanted to nurse, and I was crying because it was Friday, my husband was late from work, and I had mastitis and a fever of 102.

Then my 2-year-old got his arm stuck in my husband's didgeridoo. The better part of an hour later, his arm was still stuck and the proverbial end of my rope was fraying fast. I was carrying him around with his arm wedged into a four-foot-long wooden cylinder, trying to reassure him that Mommy was going to find a way get him unstuck. Instead, Mommy came unstuck.

The word I yelled in the direction of the didgeridoo is one I won't bother to repeat. Suffice it to say that it did not pass the Philippians 4:8 test. As soon as the word passed my lips, I looked at my wide-eyed 2-year-old and knew I was going to hear that word again.

Eventually my daughter's friend went home, my son decided to play a different game, the baby got to nurse, and the didgeridoo parted ways from my toddler. But I couldn't take back what I said (although I did pray, really hard, that my son would just forget it). A few days later when we were back-to-school shopping, I was navigating my laden cart and four children to the checkout line when I heard my 2-year-old stop singing Vacation Bible School songs and suddenly yell, in full toddler glory, “%#*& didgeridoo!”

Boy, did that stop the back-to-school traffic.

I thought of my son, my slip, and my resulting embarrassment when I came across an outtake of Semi-Homemade's Sandra Lee swearing. After uttering another non-CT-appropriate word and grabbing her breasts, Sandra said, “All these outtakes, I want them. Here's her real personality, just splice together all the curse words!”

Thanks to the Internet, Sandra got her wish. The clip went viral, the Huffington Post called her a potty mouth, and Google now suggests “swearing” as the next word when you type in “Sandra Lee.” Because what could be more fun than watching someone who presents such a nauseatingly perfect image turn out to be a real person, swears and all? “This actually made Sandra Lee seem human for the first time ever,” a reader commented on Food Network Humor. “If that’s the 'real' Sandra, she should show a little more of that on her shows instead of the fake plastic [bleep] she dishes out every day.”

The Back to Church video currently making its rounds on the Internet emphasizes that the church — and, to a larger extent, the body of Christ — is a place where “imperfect people [are] welcome,” and you can “come as you are.” “Please come to my church,” the video concludes, “where nobody's perfect . . . and where it's okay to not be okay. Really.”

I wonder what would happen if I suddenly yelled “%#*& didgeridoo” while escorting my offspring to Sunday school. I'm not so curious that I'm going to try it, although at some point I will likely find out what happens when my 2-year-old says it. I'm dreading the day. It seems to be taken for granted that people (perhaps especially women, and perhaps especially Christian women) are concerned with what others think about them, but I wonder why that concern persists so strongly. Would it be the end of the world if my church family knew I lost it and swore in front of my children? Obviously it wouldn't. But still, I'd prefer them not to know.

Nobody is suffering under the delusion that I'm perfect. I know that. Yet after my slip of the tongue, my first thought was that someone was going to hear my son repeat what I'd said. I wasn't upset that I had sinned by letting unwholesome talk come out of my mouth, I was upset that somebody, someday, would find out about it. Clearly, another sin was in progress. I think it goes by the name of pride.

Is there a middle ground between fake-perfect and cussing out the didgeridoo? How can we be “real” and "authentic" while still striving for godliness? I don't have a cure-all answer, but I trust and pray that there is grace in searching for that place.

Comments

Frustration happens. The only way to prevent swearing (and I am being general here, not specific in works) is to never have frustration. I know I don't want my nieces (I am their nanny) swearing. But kids catch tone. There are words that are not traditional 4 letter swear words that I have used to express frustration. And the girls (2 and 4) have caught the tone.

The reality is we are human. If we don't express frustration, then we likely are ignorant of the real world. That doesn't mean we should be dropping F-bombs left and right (especially in front of children) but I do think we need to recognize that frustration is part of being human and then give ourselves a bit of freedom.

4 kids and I know I have been in the same situation.... Oh the Grace of God.... I once blurted out the B word while preaching to our youth group.... It took them (and me) so by surprise, but from then on there was a group of people who related to me so much more... my illusion of "perfect pastor" was gone.

I know I am not perfect, but sometimes others see us on Sunday's only and actually think that we are pulled together and have a Grace full attitude at all times. I think this is exactly why I started blogging. To help me and those around me with the everyday... not the fairytale.

Thanks for the post.. It reminds me to make sure those around me see the real me... and how much I still need and depend on God.

:o)

I had one of those digideroo moments after I verbalized my displeasure with some uncooperative inanimate object in my house. A few days later, my daughter, no more than four or five at the time, was running in circles in the backyard and yelling said curse word AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS. Over and over again.

Oy.

There is grace in searching for that place indeed. My daughter's LOUD parroting of Mommy's Angry Word pushed me toward asking for God's help in the area of my own verbal self-control, something I hadn't really thought about doing before that magnifying mirror moment.

I may not swear often these days, but my tongue still has ugly tendencies in other areas (complaining and gossip, to name two). I still need God's help to remedy those tendencies. Thanks for the great reminder, Elrena.

"Would it be the end of the world if my church family knew I lost it and swore in front of my children? Obviously it wouldn't. But still, I'd prefer them not to know."

Elrena, love your thoughts in this post and how you fleshed it out and your vulnerable admission of pride etc. We are all so full of pride.

I don't know why, but I was laughing to the point of tears as I visualized you carrying around a toddler with a 4 foot wooden cylinder stuck on his arm. As I type this I can't help but giggle. Thank you for a breath of fresh air, and the humility to get to the bottom of the situation. I recently slipped out a not good word in front of a "super good Christian mom" acquaintance and I was mortified, not with the word, but with what she thought of me and if I'll be banned from being around her kids.

Elrena, in my job (a judge*) I am not only expected to make the right decisions every time, but also to do them in the right manner. No anger, no frustration, no sharp words, just patience patience patience while supposedly dispensing wisdom consistently and without fail. In fact, any deviation from this standard can subject me to formal discipline. Yikes!

And yet, I am reminded of something I recently read about Spurgeon on the pyromaniacs blog. He had received a scathing eltter from someone who tore apart his preaching, his thinking and pretty much left no steon uncovered. Spurgeon's response was to the effect: "Sir, if you knew me better you'd have written a longer letter." If people knew me better, they could write some awfully long letters.

I'm glad Jesus has a ready delete button.

Cheers,
Tim

*Yes I know it's biblically prohibited (Matthew 7:1), but it pays the bills.

Great post and wonderful supportive comments. I definitely agree, that frustration has to come out. I'll use harmles words like 'darn' when something maybe hasn't gone the way I'd like, but when I say 'da*n, that is an indicator of extreme frustration, annoyance, disgust. My mom does likewise. So when you see someone upset enough to utter a slightly stronger word, it serves as a warning not to push your luck with them at that time.

I have to admit - I too found this funny. I, thankfully, don't have kids - but in some ways I could relate. Thank you for this very honest article!

@Tim - I really, really hope you are being facetious that being a judge is biblically prohibited....

I really liked this, especially the concluding paragraphs.
"I wasn't upset that I had sinned by letting unwholesome talk come out of my mouth, I was upset that somebody, someday, would find out about it." How true!

"Is there a middle ground between fake-perfect and cussing out the didgeridoo? How can we be “real” and "authentic" while still striving for godliness?" That's the question.

As someone who used to have a huge problem with swearing, the way the Lord helped me deal with it after I became a Christian was to not allow myself to think it. So many times we can stop our mouths from saying it but we don't stop our minds from thinking it... if you don't even think it any more, no matter how frustrated you are, you're not likely to say it.

Don't get the impression that I'm judging, cause I'm not. I still have so many moments of frustration, but I can trust my mouth now because it's been so many years since I've had to censor it because I've stopped it in the place where it is incubating.

It's a scary thing to think that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of... ahhh... then it's not just swearing. It's gossip, innuendo, flirting, bad mouthing, dishonesty... oh well, back to the drawing board.

Thanks for a great post.

Facetious, Leslie? I was being hilarious.;-) I crack my self up all the time. Seriously, I'm my own best audience!

Cheers,
Tim (one funny judge)

I loved this post! And if your church reads this Elrena, they now know! And they probably love you more for it. Honest, raw, vulnerability is so powerful. We connect at that level. We need more of it in the church. If you can be this way with just one other believer, together you can move mountains.

I've never had a problem with swearing -- not saying I'm super Christian at all. it just wasn't something I took part in. If I swear it is very deliberate. I rarely do because I feel pretty ashamed afterwards. But if we are honest, when I say something like "Chocolate Cheerios!" in anger it is the same as swearing. It is just gentler on the ear. So, why shouldn't we swear? I think maybe it is for other people. We will have those frustrated moments. I don't even know if we could say it is a sin to give word to that feeling. For that isn't acting on it. it is just a verbal acknowledgement. But then we go on and act as we should. If there is a sin in it I guess it would be if it hurt other people. It is just nicer not to listen to really bad words come out of someone's mouth. Kind of like a cell phone going off in the middle of a sermon. But then, sometimes God can use that kind of thing.

Well, I'm rambling.

@Tim - :) Good - I was a bit concerned for a moment cause you usually have some seriously good comments on these blogs :)

In the city I live in, it is quite possible to hear people using really bad profanities all the time with not a trace of embarrassment. (it's an English city!) I suspect that people all over the world use profanities now and again, and some people use them almost in place of common language! I was like this myself; but as a Christian I very rarely swear now at all; of course, I learnt by my mistake; isn't it always the way? Few of us are born saints! I certainly wasn't.

"Is there a middle ground between fake-perfect and cussing out the didgeridoo? How can we be “real” and "authentic" while still striving for godliness?" What a wonderful question! I sometimes think God allows us to suffer or experience such moments simply because they make us reach out for what is real, instead of the false 'niceness' that some of Christianity passes for. No one's perfect; no one at all. And we have all swore, and we have all sinned; even that nice little old lady with the nice smile you might see in a cafe or church!

By asking such a question, even though the offence was hardly the worst, we get to the heart of the matter; does God want religious stereotypes, or does He want real people, people with struggles and problems; He will mold us as He sees fit; in the meantime, we strive to be better, we mess up now and then, and then we get back on track. It's all you can do. Maybe you should put the didgeridoo away too!!!

Elrena - having known you for years, this was seriously funny! I'm not sure if it was more funny that you actually swore (because I know that it would take something dramatic to make that happen) or if it was the fact that you swore at the didgeridoo. In any case, I love how *real* you are. It helps the rest of us "moms of four" breathe a sigh of relief to know that we are not in our over-crowded dingies alone. And, Tim, there are just no words...only laughter!

Great post, and very humorous! But I think the injunction in Eph 4:29 is aiming at more than simply avoiding the list of "bad" words. We're to use words that are "good for building up, as fits the occasion, giving grace to those who hear". There are so many other and more serious ways to tear people down with our words that we all do all the time, mostly without giving it a second thought. As a mom of a fragile teenager, I know how just the *intonation* of disappointment with my child can tear her down. So here's my rule about cussing: if it builds someone up and/or gives grace and is appropriate to the situation, then cuss away. My kids and I actually sometimes have (dare I say wholesome?) fun with a cuss word or two. My one absolute prohibition: we never blaspheme.

Boy, this hits close to home. My Dad swore at me and my siblings all the time. I think I knew all The Words and was making up some of my own by the time I was old enough to drive.

After I came to know the Lord the vocabulary had become a part of me. The grace of God has rewired a lot of my mind but the language is always still there. How can a professor who teaches the Bible swear when they get mad, frustrated or surprised? Where is that verse that says "The mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart"? I guess my heart still needs work.

How important to teach our children self-control of their mouths. Once you learn the words the possibility always exists that one will come out.

@Annie-I was hoping someone would say what you said, that at times a cuss word is appropriate to the situation. Not withstanding some real pain about cussing that Dan articulated, but sometimes I think we should be cussing at a world gone mad. It seems that many times we hear what I'd call gratuitous cussing, in movies or on the street, because the speaker doesn't have enough command of the English language to express himself any other way and chooses it for its shock value. How inappropriate! I used to not cuss at all but as I get older, I am a lot more honest, and so is my fellowship/accountability group of 6 women. We give each other permission to say whatever is on our hearts as we deal with real pain and suffering in our lives and in the world. All that said, I would refrain from using it around my grandchildren, as it's not appropriate for them, but wouldn't beat myself up over it if I slipped. And we would observe the no blaspheme rule as well.

I like what Adam said (the first comment): " Kids catch tone." And the reality is, we're not perfect. Honestly, I read about your situation with my mouth open (I'm not kidding. I currently have my first three-month-old and I stress when it's 15 minutes beyond her feeding time). I cannot imagine what your life is like, and reading about it stresses me out.

But I like that you put it into perspective in the next paragraph - about how the baby was fed, the arm was separated from the didgeridoo, etc. Things that make us lose our cool turn out to be not that important after all is said and done.

But in the MOMENT... well, I understand why you swore.

My husband was given a t-shirt recently, as a joke, that says "Manure Occurs"! It does. And why is it when we have a slip of the tounge it always seems to happen around our kids? And they always use the word at the exact Wrong moment in our lives!!! It's pay back from God. But later after the embarrasement is gone, we can all laugh and say, "After all, we are only human."

Is cursing really a sin? I agree that if we use God's name as a curse word it's a sin but if we say something crude or some word that's not inline with what others think is ladylike is it really a sin? I'm not sure that it is. The Bible says not to use God's name in vain. I think using crude language is just that...crude language...but I don't agree that it's sinful. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't want to heap guilt on people for things that aren't really against the law of God.

I used to consider cussing or swearing to be my "besetting sin" and God gave me contol over it for many years. But now I don't care, and this is why: My life and career and future were destroyed by an act of an employer/church that had no excuse or reason. But one of the people who made the decision said, "We prayed about it and we thought this is what God was telling us to do." Now, if this God cares not that his name was used to excuse such behavior, what could he possibly care about a 4-letter word here and there?

Do you know I never really swore. I just never did it, and it wasn't in my vocabulary. then I had kids. Three kids close together and before I knew it sometimes the frustration just gets SO BIG that one pops out, if not said then definitely thought. You are NOT alone.

@Beren - I'm with you. I'm just not convinced that swearing IS a sin. I and my best friend (a missionary) have this discussion all the time. Obviously, we can't take God's name in vain. No problem. But too often those wimpy "Christian swear words" just don't have enough punch for the occasion, if you know what I mean. I am convinced there is more of a cultural objection than a biblical one. My main sin too is pride - I am more concerned what people (i.e., Christians) will think of me if they hear it. I too have a toddler and would be mortified (although I'm getting used to the idea) if my little one repeated my words to anyone, which is why I don't swear in front of her. Not yet, anyway. Great post, Elrena!

Just in solidarity with Beren and AP - this is something I have struggled with all my life as I joined the military right out of high school and there perfected a new language - Longshoreman :) Anyway, the more I look at this, especially as a full-time pastoral staff person, the less I think the Biblical admonitions are to avoid swearing (even the "Lord's name in vain" ones) than to guard your heart from speech that tears people down or that misrepresents God. Of course you don't want to just blurt out whatever comes to your mind, but relax. Maybe people would be less likely to call us hypocrites if we would just relax.

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