Her.meneutics: Holy Hot Flashes! A Spiritual Take on Menopause

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« Tattooed Barbie: You’ve Come a Long Way! | Main | Halloween and the Werewolf Within »

October 28, 2011

Holy Hot Flashes! A Spiritual Take on Menopause

How the mysterious life stage changes a woman's capacity to nurture others.

Michelle Van Loon

Belly fat? Check.

Hot flashes? Check.

Sleep problems, mental fog, AWOL menstrual cycles? Oh yes.

The desire to nurture others? Pfffft. Gone. Current thinking on menopause tells us that the caretaking “instinct” is nothing more than a relic of a woman's reproductive years.

As Sandra Tsing Loh notes in a wry piece in the November issue of The Atlantic, the message of pop-culture self-help tomes like Christine Northrup’s The Wisdom Of Menopause is that mommy’s selflessness is basically a biological hiccup. In other words, as a woman’s estrogen powers down at menopause, she becomes far less nurturing and way more self-centered. It’s pure biology:

It is not menopause that triggers the mind-altering and hormone-altering variation; the hormonal “disturbance” is actually fertility. Fertility is The Change. It is during fertility that a female loses herself, and enters that cloud overly rich in estrogen. And of course, simply chronologically speaking, over the whole span of her life, the self-abnegation that fertility induces is not the norm—the more standard state of selfishness is.

Tsing Loh surveys the self-help literature aimed at coaching women through The Change. She takes on the whack-a-doo diet and exercise advice doled out by experts and amateurs alike. A hearty amen here. I have a small contingent of peers who lob their dietary cures at my midlife woes with evangelistic fervor. If only I will go gluten-free/dairy-free/do a colon cleanse/ingest flaxseed/fish oil/supplements/more supplements/still more supplements/ad nauseum (literally), I will feel and look 20 years younger, and lose weight, too! There's probably some truth buried in these ideas, but I prefer dietary moderation with an order of fries on the side.

The Atlantic piece then commends Northrup’s 600+ page encyclopedic volume as the motherlode of the menopause genre. Tsing Loh allows that the book includes some of the same old nutty lifestyle advice found in other sources, but the book grants her an epiphany as she considers her fading energy for her caregiving responsibilities:

What the phrase wisdom of menopause stands for, in the end, is that, as the female body’s egg-producing abilities and levels of estrogen and other reproductive hormones begin to wane, so does the hormonal cloud of our nurturing instincts. During this huge biological shift, our brain, temperament, and behaviors will begin to change—as then must, alarmingly, our relationships. As one Northrup chapter title tells it, “Menopause Puts Your Life Under a Microscope,” and the message, painful as it is, is: “Grow…or die.””

Gone-with-the-estrogen, do our sweet mothering filters shrivel and die as menopause turns women into Maxine incarnate?

We do indeed change emotionally, spiritually, and socially as our bodies age. Even if we take up rockclimbing at age 50 and live on wild-harvested fish, quinoa, and organic vegetables, we face decay. In our fallen world, there is an arc to our lifespan.

However, I'm not convinced that my desire or responsibility to nurture others is tied to the amount of estrogen in my body. Doesn’t caregiving take many forms throughout our lives?

As a child, I wept over the death of baby birds I’d tried to save with worms and eyedroppers full of water. As a young teen, I dedicated myself to being a good listener for my friends. During my 20s, I gave birth to three babies, then raised them throughout my 30s and 40s. During those years, I organized Bible studies and homeschool support groups, and was involved in many different community activities. At times, all this nurturing should have landed me on the Barnum and Bailey payroll.

As my nest has emptied, the care I give to others has changed both scope and shape, as it must. I have more time now, but I also have less energy. My nurturing comes as I spend time with my two grandsons. I’ve also cared for elderly shut-ins in need of companionship. I’ve mentored a number of young women. I am a wife. I try to spend meaningful one-on-one time with friends from all walks of life. Shoulder surgery and other recent health woes have left me less able to do some of the in-the-trenches nurture I was once physically capable of. But neither those woes nor my depleted estrogen exempts me from God’s command to love as he loves.

Fellow Her.menutics contributor Jennifer Grant offers a simple way to help midlife women think about where to invest the nurturing they have yet to give, even if they feel as though they’ve flatlined in the caring department. She suggests, simply, that we pay attention to what makes us cry. For some at midlife, tears are an unwelcome companion, markers of the depression that often comes with menopause. But tears speak of sorrow, rage, regret, frustration, and joy – and may be a directional signal that shows us where and how to care for others and ourselves in the next years of our lives.

The real wisdom of menopause isn’t birthed from our changing physiology. It's in our maturing capacity to seek God’s best for those he’s placed in our sphere of influence.

Comments

The craziness of the peri-menopausal experience and the potential of a horrific roller coaster affect on our body chemistry, hormones, emotions, relationships, work, and spiritual lives surely can leave its mark! My life changed significantly after almost losing it all!

What could have ended in disaster, ended up giving me a re-focusing purpose and passion and authenticity that has impacted and altered how I do life and ministry.
I thank God that He is able to "restore the years the locust have eaten" {Joel 2:25-26}!

"I'm not convinced that my desire or responsibility to nurture others is tied to the amount of estrogen in my body."

Same goes for me, Michelle!

Cheers,
Tim

Your article made me cry - appropriately enough! Yes, I agree with you 100% - our call to care, to reconcile, to live compassionately is a call which lasts our entire life, estrogen or not!

After I went through a surgically-induced menopause, I read Dr. Northrup's book and took note of her "nurturing hormone" theory. I embraced it and let my teenage daughters know that I would no longer be taking care of them anymore due to my newly diminished hormonal state. You should have seen their eyes bug out in disbelief...it was priceless! I still do their laundry...even if I don't feel like it.

Be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. As you age, there are lifestyle changes you can make to ease the way physically. Does it mean that you can't still enjoy life? Of course not!

As we age, we simply don't have the leeway we used to have for abusing our body with a poor diet, lack of sleep and exercise and too much stress.

Having said that, we are not just at the mercy of our physical selves, because we have our spiritual selves to balance things out. And our spirits, unlike our bodies improve with age! That's why we don't become self-centered just because the estrogen levels have waned.

Great topic for discussion!

I love this, and thank you for it. I highly recommend Richard Rohr's teaching on the spiritual journeys of men and women - it seems quite true to me. For me, in my late 50s now, I look back on what I pulled off raising four sons and can't believe it, in terms of energy and creativity and just straight-up endurance. But neither would I have been able to believe then what I get to do now, and I find that my spirit is growing (thank you, Anonymous above!) as the old body is letting me down from time to time. I truly hate the brain fog of menopause and hot flashes are my nemesis, but...I believe I have grown much more in compassion (what makes me cry....) now that I am not passionately defending my babies all the time.

Thanks for this article. I'm 49 and have just started to become acquainted to the joys of hot flashes. I needed the encouragement. God Bless You!

"The real wisdom of menopause isn’t birthed from our changing physiology. It's in our maturing capacity to seek God’s best for those he’s placed in our sphere of influence."

Thank you for this post, and that quote in particular.

I am 27 years old and appear to be going through menopause. None of the doctors I have seen are sure why this has happening. I initially felt okay about all of this; I've never had a desire to be pregnant and became convinced of late that God had other plans for my husband and I.

I run into trouble, however, with those who think that a woman's whole identity is somehow tied to the functioning of her uterus and ovaries. I "must" be unfulfilled or even sinning to be at peace about all of this. That bugs me. I'd still be a woman and useful - even loveable - to God even if all the "female parts" were gone.

So, thank you for the reminder that there are avenues for love and nurture available to me, and that God's plan is good. I think I'll have to give extra hugs to people at church tomorrow. :)

Our lives are compromised of seasons, each one is different from the previous one and we are changed by each of them. I am in post menopause/grandmother season.

I don't feel less compassionate than I was, in fact I would say I've grown in compassion. The main difference is I am more selective in who I care for. My limitations are obvious and I believe that God wants us to take care of ourselves so we can run the race all the way to the end.

Our bodies need more attention as we age, but so do our emotions and our spirits. We grow weary more easily, both physically and emotionally. Our time and energy is precious and God will show us who to care for and when as we trust Him.

I'm in my mid-fifties. I have friends my age who talk about having less energy, like was mentioned in this article. That isn't true for everyone. I have more energy now than I did in my twenties and thirties. I am more physically active, more engaged in intellectual pursuits, and have emotional room to include others in my life in ways I've never imagined.

Laura,
I should have mentioned my age in my post. I am a decade older than you.. things change pretty radically for some of us in our sixties.

I hope you are the exception..Alicia

I have more energy now at 54 than I did at 35. I have learned to take care of myself, and I guess that is the cause.

What a beautiful and insightful reflection on a complicated (and sadly taboo) topic.

Thank you!

this headline stopped my in my 49 year old tracks. With a wife who is full boar into pre-menopause, I was hoping for answers...answers to questions like "how do I care for her when she is constantly irritated?" and "how in the world do I explain this to our three kids?" -- but no answers - just more blah-blah from one who has been there. I've looked online, I've read The Atlantic piece over and over (laughing, but still no answers). I've begged my wife: "please - your doctor offered a mood-evening prescription to help you not be so tempremental" - she'll have no part of it. All I get is "clear a path, clear it wide, and stay the H out of my way" - ha ha, right? Not so ha-ha when you live with it day and night. I have often wondered: "how many Christians get divorced in their late 40's and early 50's because of this?". Well, my reply is not very inspiring, is it? But it is therapuetic for the writer. Maybe some other men in my same state of being will read and we can start a blog together: "mywifeispremenopausal.blogspot.com" sure...misery loves company, right?
Sincerely,
Paul

I just prayed for Paul and his wife. When our body and health isn't as it used to be sometimes it takes a while to get centered again. But God is there no matter what. I don't think you lose your nurturing instinct at all. We just have different amounts of energy, different focus in life. We are just different women then we were before. It is a wonderful time to get creative.

Maybe someone like Paul can become a student of his wife. Give her love, understanding, acceptance. And maybe loving her will help her accept herself and be content. The second command is Love your neighbor as yourself. That is so true. But the reverse is true too. If you don't accept yourself you won't accept your neighbor. If you can't accept changes in yourself you won't accept them in anyone else.

What a ridiculous theory! Having gone thru "the change" 2 years ago I can say that I have NOT become self-seeking & selfish or ignore my familie's needs ~ I have 4 kids who attend college while still living at home (it's far cheaper if you're lucky enough to live nearby!) and although they can by-and-large take care of themselves, that doesn't mean I'm not still checking in on them to make sure their laundry is done, their antibiotics have been taken, or that they've eaten (or slept!) that day. If this theory were true, how would it account for the almost universal women's yearning for grandchildren? "Selfish" women certainly would not be looking for more children to love & nurture once "relieved" of the "burden" of child-rearing (hmmm... maybe attitude is the real problem here?) Obviously God does NOT excuse us from the command to love once our ability to reproduce fades - we should not use hormones (or lack thereof) as an excuse to relieve us from our godly responsiblities to our family. And although no one else has mentioned it, I'd also like to point out that being post-menopausal does not mean and end to your sex life either (but poor health might, so take care of yourselves, ladies!) ADVICE TO PAUL: My husband used to throw chocolate at me (from afar!) when I had PMS. If your kids are teenagers just explain it to them, they are very familiar with unwanted effects of hormones on mind & body and it will help them cope with mom's moodiness. ADVICE TO PAUL'S WIFE: Seek help before you alienate your children and your husband. Talk to a pastor, marriage counselor, doctor, etc. All three will have different perspectives on the matter that you may find useful. The bottom line is that God is all about RELATIONSHIPS, and yours are definitely at risk here.

I am a 31 year old pastor's wife. Just reading about menopause makes me dread it, but the examples of some older women that I look up to and cherish, whose wisdom I glean, is extremely encouraging. These women continue to care, love, advice and nurture. AND some follow their husbands to new mission fields, away from family and the familiar- they still find a way to put others first. One menopausal lady would fan her face, complain of a dizzying hot flash then ask 'Do you need help with baby- I could feed and burp her while you take a shower.' From @Paul... your comment touched me. I will remember to honor and respect my husband even during that stage of my life. To the older ladies...You may be menopausal, but you are loved and appreciated and we younger women would be lost without you :)

I have found this phase of life to bring more opportunities to "care" than at any other phase. In fact, it is the first time in my life where I am actually referred to as a caregiver. I am a full time caregiver to my mother in law with end stage Alzheimer's and to my own Mama with mid-stage dementia. I am learning how to be a caregiver to my sweet Dad with Parkinsons. I have started a Bible study with young single women because I care about what it must feel like to be seeking godliness in a culture gone wild. When I get a hot flash I joke with God and tell Him to go ahead and burn the hell right out of me! I can't wait for heaven! But until then, I will continue to care for my grandkids, my friend with cancer, my young friends and my old. It never occurred to me to stop caring! It is a part of my being - my essence - not my menses.

Reduced nurturing? Not on your life!!

At the ripe "old" age of 55, I'm in nursing school where I use my experience and whatever small wisdom I may have attained to elicit patient's fears, concerns, questions and life stories. I've been called to this and this makes me excited to wake up in the morning.

I call BS on the assumption that waning estrogen means waning nurturing.

I'm 50 and things are changing. I've always believed that this is a natural part of life and that I would go through it as "naturally" as possible.
Recently had a conversation with someone who has come out the other side of this transition and it was very sobering. She said that she had gone through perimenopause and menopause completely naturally, treating the uncomfortable physical symptoms with supplements only. She regrets her decision to keep her physician at arm's length during this time.
She can see now that her thinking was changed and clouded by hormone induced emotional swings.
During perimenopause she divorced her husband of 30 years. She sold (at a loss) a business that she had created and built in those same 30 years, she left her church and a supportive group of friends and broke off relationship with several of her siblings.
She is 60 now and her body and emotions have settled down but she is in deep mourning over the huge and unnecessary losses. The poster child for regret.

I'm not convinced that caretaking "instinct" is completely rooted in biology, no matter what a person's age.

However. I do think that studies have shown that hormones make a difference. The washes of hormones that boys and girls experience at puberty sure make a difference in their emotions and behavior! It doesn't make sense to completely dismiss what science has shown to be true. There probably is some difference that the loss of hormones that women experience in menopause makes a difference in their brains, just as it does in their bones.

That difference will be to a different level for each woman and will be combined with many other factors that cannot be easily measured. It might be highly variable, but it is probably there.

Paul, ...in sickness and in health... ring a bell? I'm a strong believer in marriage counseling, being in it myself right now. Maybe that could help?

Glad we are talking about this- I'm late 40's and wishing our Christian culture had an appealing narrative for those of us in mid-life- especially those of us without kids. Sure I"m very involved in church doing this and that, but am longing for something more compelling and challenging than just 'volunteer more' and go on anti-depressants. Anyway, I"m going to check out the Richard Rohr books and see what they hold... I"m glad Moses didn't really start his 'career' til he was 40! There's hope for us too. Its not over but sometimes it feels like it.

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