Hermenuetics

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A few years ago, in my low forties, I felt like I had never been healthier or happier. Now a couple of years into severe hot flashes, night sweats and other signs of slowing down and aging, I've been much humbled. Life is still better now than it was in my 20s or 30s .... but the slide from 42 to 46 has been more than noticeable, even if not quite as drastic as for those discussed in the post. Thank you for addressing this topic.

Posted By: K | October 3, 2011 11:45 AM

This is an important post that resonates with me, even at 42 with a nest that won't be empty for another 14 years or so. This month, our assistant pastor is doing an adult small group study on discernment and vocation. Nearly all of the participants are women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Everyone said they were drawn to the group because they're at a stage where some aspect of their life--parenthood, career, marriage--is changing and they're just unsure of who they are called to be under these new circumstances. Seems like many of us are in this uncertain, somewhat scary place. For me, the distinction between "acedia" and depression is very useful, even if they often co-exist in the same person. While medication and therapy are vital for treating clinical depression, our middle-aged discontent so often goes deeper and farther than depression, digging up fundamental and frightening questions of identity, place, and relationship.

Posted By: Ellen | October 3, 2011 12:17 PM

This is a great observation that further attention should be paid to all life stages in the church, particularly women who are empty-nesters. On the topic of acedia, however, I think a distinction also needs to be made between acedia, depression, and the Dark Night of the Soul (as understood by St. John of the Cross). Sometimes the best way God loves us is by removing the good feelings associated with His love, often experienced by us as spiritual dryness, flatness, and lack of desire... in order to grow us. Sometimes He is most present in the feelings of His absence, and this is something He is intentionally doing, and our job is to open to what He has for us in that rather than simply try harder to "get back that lovin' feeling." It's an important distinction that requires discernment and usually a good spiritual director to determine if you're dealing with a vice or something that God is giving. Either way, you presented helpful ways to deal with it, walking through the season with community and prayer.

Posted By: Emily Jones | October 3, 2011 12:37 PM

My opinion is that people were never meant to live such individualistic lives. I believe we're designed for communal living, as that's how people lived for most of history. Living apart from extended family is deeply unnatural. Having grown children living in other states is not how it's supposed to be. Yes, there are good rational reasons for how it is, but I believe on a physiological level, we know something is very wrong. And divorce, of course, would make it that much harder.

Posted By: Heather | October 3, 2011 1:01 PM

My heart went out to Cathy as I read this story. Though I may be wrong, it seems that Cathy's ordeal led more to her depression than being middle-aged. I know if I went through a divorce, had no one at home, felt ignored by the church, and my one remaining parent had Alzheimer's, I would be depressed too. I think anyone would regardless of their age.

Posted By: Jessica | October 3, 2011 1:21 PM

Cathy's story resonates with me, too. Only difference is that I'm a single late-50s woman: never married and no kids. And I have struggled with depression most of my life, and it led to a suicide attempt nearly four years ago.

The church needs to be more aware of this issue--and having 'more programs' won't solve the problem. There needs to be more compassion towards those suffering from depression, and a willingness to 'come alongside' the sufferer. Not to mention not treating depression like it's a sin.

Posted By: Patricia | October 3, 2011 2:13 PM

I'm 34, but Cathy's story resonates with me. I have bipolar disorder; for me, the depression and mixed episodes are far, far worse (and more frequent) than the mania, although that is horrible, too. I spent years feeling like an "invisible person" in churches; no one seemed to recognize how bad my mental state was in.

Even those church members that I confided in didn't seem to care, not even when I was pregnant and seriously troubled, even when I felt my mind unraveling during a church service. When people walked by and asked, "How are you?", my husband told them, "not good." They half-laughed like that was a joke and walked by. No one asked what was wrong. I felt very alone in my church, like a stranger. Cathy is right; the one place we shouldn't feel invisible and alone is a church. (We're at a different church now.)

But what do people like me do when we beg for help, beg for visibility, and the church doesn't respond?

Posted By: Laura K. Droege | October 3, 2011 2:13 PM

It sounds like something that happens to many women. Thank you for sharing. I's so important to start a 40 something or 50 something ministry. Women should get together and talk to keep themselves from falling into depression after their children leave for college.

Posted By: Tina | October 3, 2011 2:39 PM

I can definitely relate to Cathy.

For me, the depression trigger WAS the church. When you've served faithfully from your youth until you hit the late 40's, and then are told "we are going for the younger market now so you would probably be happier worshipping somewhere else" you lose, painfully, a huge part of your life.

It was as if the church was the proverbial middle aged man trading in his wife for a younger model.

My prayer is the folks that did that will not experience it themselves when they reach older middle age.

Posted By: sarah | October 3, 2011 2:44 PM

I am a young (early 30s) woman who would desperately love a mentor... Why don't churches help women of different generations get together? "Older" women have so much wisdom and experience to share. Would they embrace a venue in which to do so?

Posted By: Robyn | October 3, 2011 2:57 PM

Resonates...you hit the mark. If we can emerge from our doldrums of watching a chapter of our life end and seek God on finishing well over the next few decades, oh my, we as women can do much for the kingdom of God.

The Church doesn't need to do anything for us; we need to do something for the Church.

Posted By: Cindy | October 3, 2011 3:04 PM

Excellent review--I myself just finished Acedia and Me and found it very thought-provoking and meaningful (though I'm still a fairly young woman). My friends and I have had several conversations about the shallowness of "women's ministries," which typically center around arts-and-crafts events, MOPs, or some other aspect of homemaking/motherhood. I think there are many of us who trudge along to these empty sessions out of a sense of duty, make our little flower arrangements, and trudge home again without ever having had our intellects challenged or our minds enlightened. Emerging Mummy calls it "playing church."

On the other hand, I also know a number of older women whose involvement and leadership in various ministries (well, particularly children's ministries) is so invaluable that their own spiritual development gets lost in the shuffle. The church can't allow them time to study and grow because who would run Wednesday night?

If you ask me, one step towards solving both these problems is to begin dismantling our programming--fewer retreats and bazaars and craft circles--and more simple acts of worship: meditation, prayer, service, and silence.

Posted By: Devon | October 3, 2011 3:43 PM

As the son of parents who are going through this exact thing (my youngest sibling just left for college), I can attest that this is a very serious issue affecting (read: dismantling) many of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Many of the comments above note a general lack of sympathy and concern for those in this condition. But I doubt it's simply because of callousness on the part of the offenders. As a pastor myself, there's an overwhelming sense of ignorance as to how to react, much less help. The church is suffering the effects of societal norms radically at odds with Her fundamental identity and ethos. And sermons + curricula + program choices are barely the tip of the ice berg when it comes to affecting a radical change in the "economy" or society of the church. Treating symptoms will continue fall short of the healing we so need.

Posted By: Matt Stephens | October 3, 2011 3:46 PM

Oh how I've waited for this topic to appear! I think this might be the first one I've read by an evangelical woman. I'm a faith-based life coach in the Philadelphia area and I've read widely about mid-life -- the Catholics call it "the second journey." Mine hit early: I had parents who died young-- both by the time I was 27 -- and never found "the guy" to marry (or as I like to say it, he never found me) and never had a family. Having poured myself into the natural venues for intellectual evangelicals who have an artistic bent, at 39, God invited me to know him differently-- and I grew to understand and know myself differently. That is the best language I have for a mid-life crisis-- it's an opportunity to look far beneath the cultural norms (and church cultural norms) for "life". While vocation is a worthy endeavor to pursue, it's how one makes meaning combined with the deeper awareness of identity which mid-life confronts. Our integrity is at stake as we live "in the alongside" -- Leanne Payne's word-- for the hollowness of engagement from a life lived there brings nothing back.

The invitation of God is about engaging parts of ourselves which were never invited to live. If our basic patterns of life are to skim along the top of the social worlds, the musculature of the soul with God and with the varied parts of ourselves is very weak. Mid-life shows us that gap. Developing a life with God here is a second journey.

For me, it involved the change to a believing Anglican church where the many parts of the soul are invited to engage-- that invitation nowhere present in my very large, flagship, denominational church of my 20s and 30s. Having served on it's staff and volunteered countless hours in Sunday school preparation, I realized it was my need to belong which has fueled my generosity-- which isn't really generous to me -- it operated on top of a kind of despair: "If I don't participate (and I did to the max), I don't belong." That kind of awareness led to a deeper ask on my part. The third member of the Trinity beckoned and I read 15 books on the Holy Spirit in a year. And the journey to a more vibrant turn on the topic of belonging to God.

Loss comes in all shapes and sizes and venues to most of us. How we translate it, emerge from it, hear from God in it, and are known in and through it creates an optimal opportunity for deeper spiritual growth and needed discipleship. For those who are trained by suffering are promised it may produce something in us -- hope. That you published this article is hopeful that more will emerge in the future editions of CT.

I actively coach women through mid-life and quarter-life growth. I love the idea of having retreats -- safe places-- for women and men (mid-life can be much worse with single and divorced men) to express the change and do the significant work of becoming truly adult in Christ through the participation of his sufferings.

Posted By: Gwen | October 3, 2011 3:58 PM

So many churches in America are run on the business/marketing model and are success driven. A middle aged depressed woman suffering from an empty nest doesn't fit the model, so they don't know what to do with her. She doesn't promote their "brand", so to speak and so is tossed aside or ignored as they move on to the next target audience.

Our generation by and large has no models for empty nesting. Our parents weren't as involved in our lives because they didn't have to be. It was ok to be an average student, not be on the right sports team, etc. so they didn't really pay attention to what we were doing on a daily basis. When we grew up and left home, they barely noticed! Not so now. We are expected to be involved in our kids lives constantly, to nurture them, monitor their homework, goad them into excelling, and so when they leave home, it's a huge hole.

Added to all this, the economy tanked just when many of us, who had put our careers on hold, or at least on the back burner, hoped to move forward and put our efforts into the workplace only to find out that we were no longer welcome in the workforce. Now, not only do we miss our children, but we have to attempt to navigate an unknown and often hostile work world all the while wondering how we will ever replace the retirement funds we planned to earn in our later year. We bring experience, strong work ethic, and a readiness to work to the table, but nobody wants it.

So, how do we make this jive with what our churches have always taught us? God has a plan for your life, we were told; give and more will be given back. You can have your best life now. And guess what? We got a swift kick to the curb instead.

I highly recommend Norris' Acedia and Me. It points you to a God of the low places, a God who doesn't promise success, but promises to hold you through the valley. It is beautifully written and points you to a God you can hold on to even when your church lets you completely down.

Posted By: Tamara D | October 3, 2011 7:48 PM

Hey...What about men! We're the other half of this equation and I'm sure there are more than me reading this blog. For context sake, I'm a 68 year old who was born into conservative evangelicalism and through the years of raising 5 children to successful producing adult, I served on church and mission boards - essentially up to my ears in the culture as a lay leader. Then the losses started to accumulate as they WILL do. I lost a young adult son to a fatal neurological disease, endured a divorce and lost a severely disabled step-daughter to another terminal illness. On top of this, the primary culture where I had invested my entire spiritual well being changed. The next generation stole my worship lexicon and replaced timeless hymnology with stuff I can't sing. Decided that church history and the history of their parents didn't inform them of anything and discarded it all, along with us. A well known classical author once noted, "That to destroy a people's history is one of the cruelest things that can be done." Oh, they still pay lip service to seniors with a compromised attempt called traditional worship having no interest whatsoever in tradition. My solution has simply been to find the the things that Jesus said are worthwhile - serving and helping others in need,
people that will never darken the door of a church and express my reasonable service that way. Rather than turn inward and review my losses each morning, I move out with the understanding that serving others is the best therapy there is to deal with sadness and loss. This is no different for either gender.

Posted By: Paul Almas | October 3, 2011 7:53 PM

Paul's comment: "serving others is the best therapy there is to deal with sadness and loss" is so true. As is the comment from the female reader who mentioned she would love to be mentored by an older woman.

If there isn't the kind of program you need in your church, a place you can be honest and real and feel real fellowship with other Believers, then maybe God is calling you to start one yourself. Often, when we feel alone there are others having simliar feelings. It is the enemy who isolates us.

And maybe sometimes we do have to switch churches. Rather than go to a big one, pick a small church where there is no way you will be invisible if you attend every Sunday. The best growth comes in small groups -- you can't grow in an audience if that is all you get. You must have a few Christians who will be your iron and you will be theirs (iron sharpens iron).

We wait for others to fix it. We wait for the church to notice. The church is made up of a lot of humans who miss a lot -- We have to ask God for strength and then find someone to reach out to.

Everyone of us has something that will benefit others, a talent, a skill. A few months ago a couple ladies I know started a writers bible study -- they'd never done it before but they both liked to write. Well, that has really touched a need. It's become a huge blessing to a handful of people.

And if it hadn't? Well, they tried. But it did.

Maybe this loneliness, the emptiness the ones like Cathy are feeling is an indication they need to go deeper and seek more and not stop until they find God in a new way.

Jesus is NEVER boring. If our lives are, then we are missing Him somehow.

Posted By: Jane Hinrichs | October 3, 2011 8:32 PM

Jane, I understand what you are saying, but this acedia, as Norris discusses in her book, is much more than boredom and not exactly depression. You can encourage people to keep seeking, but when acedia sets in, not only are you unable to seek the Lord, you just plain don't care enough to try. It is difficult to explain, but Norris does a wonderful job. To tell someone in the midst of this to just keep trying is like telling someone suffering from stage 4 cancer that they could feel better if they'd just smile and try.

I think many churches just don't want to deal with it, because it doesn't fit the success driven model we Americans know and love.

Posted By: Tamara D | October 3, 2011 9:14 PM

A key note in her article was when the church volunteer handed her the Welcome Visitor flyer. Her church is too big to be effective in tending to its members. Malcom Gladwell wrote in his book, Tipping Points, about The Rule of 150. It suggests that approximately 150 is the maximum number of relationships a person can comfortably handle. He wrote about a certain denomination that would always split their churches when they reached 150 members and become two 75-member churches. Including a pastor and a church secretary, this suggests a church populated by between 15-20 families. I don't suppose the woman in the article would have been mistaken for a visitor then.

Posted By: Janis | October 3, 2011 10:36 PM

I think Tamara D touched on an important point. Whether or not they admit it, the majority of people in the church believe in prosperity gospel. So, if god doesn't wave his magic wand and give you a husband, house, car, job, etc., then you must not have been living up to god's expectations. Just the other day, I woman from the church I used to attend told me that women get raped because they wear short skirts - in other words, if something bad happens to you, you must have done something to deserve it. I left the church many years ago, because I felt it wasn't a healthy place for me to be. My heart aches for Cathy, because I know what it's like to be in a place of hopelessness. I was dating a christian guy who treated me like crap, and, when I finally broke up with him, the only explanation that the christian women in the church had for me is that god must not want me to be able to get married. Unfortunately, the church is the last place I would look for comfort and encouragement, and I don't plan on going back.

Posted By: Anonymous | October 4, 2011 2:19 AM

Michelle, what a beautifully insightul post; you made many people visible.

We need to think about how we can love one another and enfold one another into each other's lives in all of our seasons. I'm 33. My family and I need Cathy's wisdom and experience and friendship and the friendship and experience of Paul who commented. While I love my peers and welcome them into my home and as friends, I also need the wisdom of those who have gone before. Jesus told Peter that those who have left everything to follow him would receive a hundred fold in brothers and sisters and mothers in this life (and also persecutions). For those of us whose families are far away or who come from fractured familial circumstances the love and presence of those in midlife and beyond in our lives is indispensable, priceless even. But it's not just those whose families are fractured or far away. Even those with good families close by need their extended family. I am who I am because of many such people in midlife and beyond. One of my favorite pastors was 83 and kicking and a beautiful hilarious soul and one who ministered tirelessly to our entire congregation!

Many of us who are in our 20's, 30's, and 40's are hungry for familial frienships with those who are older. Whose wisdom do I seek if I am thinking about buying house and my parents are unavailable? What insights does a single woman or man have to share with my family, about how to live? I need all of you. Really. If we could just realize we need each other and then be able to find each other in the body, if we could just speak up, and be vulnerable. Thank you Michelle and the rest of you for sharing on this important topic. God sees you and hears you.

Posted By: Marlena | October 4, 2011 7:42 AM

This sounds like depression, more than a mid-life crisis; but it could be a combination of things, as such things often are. I've written a piece on my blog called 'Struggling with Depression, which anyone might like to check out by clicking on my name.

I think that the worst deressive states can be a kind of spiritual malaise, rather than being just physical in cause. Also, of course, these states can be exacerbated by things going wrong in your life. And let's be honest here folks, men can also have depression and mid-life crises too!

As ever, praying about this will help, because Jesus has the answers as always. And, it might help if we read some of the less cheery sections of the Bible, like Jeremiah and some of the psalms attributed to David, and even Ecclesiates. These are often not easy reads but if we know that God's chosen were also struck with depression and feelings of worthlessness, and so on, it might help us to see we are not alone; that's a start anyway.

Posted By: Tim Childs | October 4, 2011 8:58 AM

This was like an arrow straight into my heart. I resonate with every word. I feel invisible at work, at home, and only a little less at church due to a great woman pastor in our congregation. I am caught in a full time job (husband in construction and we all know where that went) to support our family, a teen still at home, a disabled sibling who lives with us (with no money), wanting to be with our grandchildren, working like a dog all day, and then no energy or desire to connect with my husband or anyone else.
it is not a prosperity gospel to realize that life is not working, it is a call out to God. Psalm 73 has been my life saving chapter-especially the end.

Posted By: trisha | October 4, 2011 10:06 AM

I am 45 this year and found myself succumbing to serious depression and spiritual darkness earlier this year. I'm on week 9 of Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study and I feel like a new woman. God has brought me back into light and restored our relationship through the deep introspection and study of His word that this study facilitates. There were many circumstances in my life that brought about my struggle but I allowed these circumstances to drive a wedge between me and God and began to neglect my own spiritual health, time alone with God, prayer, study of the Word, etc. Hope this is encouraging to someone out there who is reading this article & the comments looking for help. By all means get counseling, consider medication if it is needed but first and foremost, seek God. You may need the additional structure of something like the Breaking Free study to help you start digging out of the rut. The enemy had built up such a wall that at the beginning I had to read the material and the scripture out loud, sometimes repeating it two or three times before my brain could comprehend it. I have also found that praying specifically for comprehension helps. Praying for all of you sisters in Christ!

Posted By: amie | October 4, 2011 11:42 AM

Wow. That is a lot of responses. I might recommend Paul David Tripp's book "Lost in the Middle." He is a counselor with CCEF and a deeply biblically-grounded teacher who clearly discusses grace and the particular struggles facing people in mid-life. Check these out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOn-KqXqp2A

Posted By: Dave Crandall | October 4, 2011 12:30 PM

Paul Almas, your advice to find the things that Jesus said are worthwhile, 'serving and helping others in need' and that, rather than turning inward to review losses each morning, we,instead, should move out with the understanding that serving others is the best therapy in dealing with sadness and loss, was great advice.

Abraham Lincoln once said he believed that people were about as happy as they made up their minds to be. Happiness is a choice. We just need to choose life!

Posted By: Connie | October 4, 2011 1:15 PM

Paul's comments are right on.

After a few years of lethargy, realizing I was never going to be the right demographic again for a business model church, I left.

I'm now part of a Christ centered church instead, growing, happy, and doing well.

This church speaks my worship language, values what I value, and guess what? It successfully reaches ALL demographics, not just one.

It is populated with refugees from corporationchurch. We left with our money, our time, our talents, and our experience. Where we left is struggling. So be it.

For me at least, joy did come in the morning.

Posted By: sarah | October 4, 2011 3:25 PM

This is a great article, and many helpful comments. I think my church does most things right. The thing it doesn't do right is they don't realize how exhausted the congregation is. Sometimes I leave church so discouraged because they want so much more from me than I am able to contribute. I don't see that as an age issue - I see young families struggle with that as well. Another thought is that women in their 50s to 60s see life ebbing away from them. Often their husband has traded them in for someone newer, the time they have left to live out their hopes and dreams is getting shorter and shorter, and they see their plan of growing old with someone they love turn into growing old alone. Finally, I think there should be more hugging in church. For some people that is the only touch they've received all week. I hate it that I have to go to a psychologist to get someone to listen to me, and to my doctor to find a nurse who is willing to let me cry on her shoulder.

Posted By: anon | October 5, 2011 12:53 PM

It seems to me that suicide rates are up all around. Growing up, I really didn't know anyone affected by suicide (or maybe a friend of a friend - something like that). Now, every three months or so, someone who is really close to me loses someone to suicide. It's an epidemic.

You wrote: "Because many of our churches are focused on family-based programming, the unspoken message to those who don’t fit the target demographic is that they don’t matter the same way that younger people do. Pollster George Barna reports that baby boomers are leaving the church in surprising numbers."

Wow. This is true (the church focusing on families) and alarming (I really didn't know that baby boomers were leaving the church in "surprising numbers."

Posted By: Anonymous | October 5, 2011 1:32 PM

Thanks for this thoughtful post, Michelle.

Posted By: karenzach | October 7, 2011 10:20 PM