Her.meneutics: Adoption: A Long and Winding Journey

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« Halloween and the Werewolf Within | Main | The Thin Line between Trafficking and Pornography »

November 1, 2011

Adoption: A Long and Winding Journey

Like our adoption into God's family, earthly adoption can be complex and costly.

Rachel Stone

A few years ago, after much research, discussion, and prayer, my husband and I sent in the preliminary applications for adopting from Ethiopia. The staff at the agency, Better Future Adoption Services (BFAS) in Minnesota, was courteous, and the fact that it was founded and directed by an Ethiopian Christian woman, Agitu Wodajo, seemed encouraging. We were nervous filling out the financial paperwork—we certainly weren’t going to be any orphan’s Daddy Warbucks—but we felt that material wealth was a less-important factor in deciding who will and will not parent well. (Recently, in researching for other writing, I discovered that less-affluent parents are actually more likely to spend more time sharing meals with their children than are wealthier parents.)

But BFAS didn’t feel the same way. We had been students the year before we applied, so our tax returns showed us to be below poverty level, and that was apparently grounds enough for delaying our application another year at least. Add to that our upcoming inter-country move (from Germany back to the United States), and BFAS decided that we’d better not start our dossier with them just yet. Too bad, because adoptive parents can wait up to two years after completing their dossier to welcome their adopted child home.

Yet getting rejected turned out to be a very good thing. It wasn’t too long before the Department of State warned that Ethiopia’s Charities and Services Agency had revoked BFAS’s license to operate in Ethiopia due to alleged “license misuse.” That’s the nice way of putting it. The less-sanitized words used in the letter from the Charities and Services agency were “child trafficking”—including falsifying documents to make children look like they were abandoned who, in fact, still had biological parents. (Under Ethiopian law, it’s illegal for a child with living parents to be adopted.) We were stunned and grateful that we hadn’t signed with the organization, as the State Department was urging parents with dossiers in progress to “seek legal aid.”

News like this has made many Westerners wary of international adoption. A few months ago, a Nation article unflatteringly described the resurgence of interest in adoptions among evangelicals as a “crusade,” inspired in large part by Russell Moore’s popular book Adopted for Life. In the article, Kathryn Joyce positions Christian adoption enthusiasts as blustering, blundering consumers who could care less about the ethical dilemmas surrounding international adoption. Yes, I’m slightly uncomfortable when Moore says that adopted kids “don’t know the flags of their home countries” but “know ‘Jesus Loves Me, ” but I’m willing to take that statement along with careful and ethically reasoned perspectives Moore and other evangelicals offer. Jedd Medefind’s response in Christianity Today was, I thought, a gracious one: Learn from the criticism. The ethical dilemmas surrounding adoption—and inter-country adoption especially—can’t be avoided by loving Jesus, loving kids, and hoping for the best. But, as Medefind, writes:

“we dare not turn from sacrifice and hard decisions and return to comfortable homes and lives simply because the cost and complexity are too great.”

Many children the world over have no parents and no one to take them in. They are vulnerable to trafficking and abuse and sex slavery and all kinds of other unspeakable horrors. In some countries, cerebral palsy, fetal alcohol syndrome, and Down syndrome render children effectively orphaned to institutions woefully ill-equipped to handle their needs. Should people and nonprofits from wealthier nations help less-developed countries build the infrastructure and institutions to care for their own children? Absolutely! But meanwhile, children are growing up without parents. From time to time, I check the Reece’s Rainbow Adoption ministry page, a service that exists to pair children with disabilities with parents. I pray and cry for these children whose windows for early intervention close a little each day.

If there’s one thing I could point to in myself and my adoption hopes that seems flawed and likely to contribute to corruption within the system, it’s this: Like most people, even evangelicals, I’d love to adopt a newborn. A healthy newborn. But the fact is, children fitting that description are a small percentage of the millions of orphans worldwide. Adopting an older child, and/or one with disabilities, seems different from adopting a “perfect” newborn. But you know what? If you read adoption literature widely and deeply, you’ll see that there is no single path to a “perfect” adoptive family. (And is there one path to any kind of “perfection” in any kind of family?) Even the healthy newborn adopted on day two can end up having serious attachment problems. The older child with a disability can become the joy of a couple’s life.

Yes, adoption is expensive (easily close to $30,000, depending on the route one takes), ethically confusing, frustrating, and occasionally heartbreaking. Our adoption by God through Christ wasn’t cheap, either, and we who would adopt shouldn’t give up because it’s hard. Rather, we should wisely discern what’s truly best for all involved—even if it means opening ourselves to the potential for greater hurt.

Because who knows? It may yet be the avenue for greater joy.

Comments

Great job telling your story, and using it to give us some wonderful insights into the present state of adoption, Rachel.

Our friends have adopted a couple of children from an underdeveloped country, and return overseas regularly to work in the same area providing agricultural support and health education. They say that a lot of people here in the States see them and ask about adopting children themselves, so now my friends have added to their ministry a type of pre-adoption counseling. It's actually a pre-thinking-about-adoption counseling, where the inquiring family is taken through all the unforeseen things that my friends found as they have adopted and are now raising their children. Not everyone is built for adoption.

On the other hand, as you point out so well Rachel in the whole theme of this post, everyone is called to care. One way my wife and I have tried to help is with yet another family we know. They adopted about half a dozen children from Ethiopia, special needs and non, some still at home and some grown up. Over the past 15 years or so we have provided material and financial support for the family, spiritual and emotional guidance, and I am hopeful that God has blessed these efforts and that they have been a blessing to that family.

And in the end, aren't we all adopted (Eph. 1:5)? So glad our heavenly father chose me (and my wife, and my kids, and my friends, and you and all my brothers and sisters in Christ throughout the centuries) for his family!

Cheers,
Tim

Oh, I pray more people will adopt. There are so many children who need homes. My husband and I have six children, the three youngest are adopted. And all three had their issues and disabilities but it is incredible to think they all know Jesus now. And they all know where they came from physically. We tell them stories of the people who helped us get them home. The U.S. Ambassador to Bulgaria had to step in to get our daughter home from there. Yes,it is expensive, but God will provide if you say yes to it. And if you adopt a child with disabilities you are pretty much guaranteed that child hasn't been kidnapped because people don't kidnap kids with disabilities. I have had my own biological babies and then the three above (who were 3, 4 and 6 years old when they were adopted at separate times). The only difference is that they all came a different way. I love my adopted kids just as much as my bio kids. There is no difference. Yes, it might take a bonding time but that is typical. And yes there are problems, but so what. God deals with so many problems with us but He loves us so much they are nothing in comparison to His love for us. Please consider adoption. Just think -- if every Christian family adopted just one child, our world would be that much richer and many many children would have families and many of those children would accept Jesus.

@Tim -that is awesome that your friends have started doing that pre-adoption counseling. That is incredibly wise of them!

I remember the time when I was a child and said I would adopt one day; lol - it was after my mom and I watched a documentary that showed a woman giving birth; and then books like Anne of Green Gables and Trixie Belden made me even more aware of orphans and adoption. I do want to adopt some day; even if I never find a husband; but I am waiting until God's timing.

I love your closing paragraph. It reminds us that following Christ is not always easy and will cost us. Praise God for His costly adoption of us.

Dear Rachel,

Thank you for your heart-felt article about adoption. Many of your points are well-taken. However, some of your points are factually incomplete or even incorrect.

Most importantly, it is not correct to say that adoption generally costs $30,000. Yes, that can the average cost for an international adoption, or the domestic adoption of a healthy newborn, although that can also be far less than $30k for many families. However, adoption from foster care is usually less than $2,000 and is often FREE.

And after application of the (approximately) $12,000 tax credit, families who adopt children from foster care will end up receiving more from the federal government than they spent for the adoption. For those who spent $30K on an international or healthy infant adoption, the tax credit almost halves the cost to something less than what most people will spend for a used car. Expensive? Yes, but compared to what?

By once again propagating the myth that adoption is always expensive, your article may have very well turned away some good families who would otherwise have continued pursuing their dream of adoption.

And don't fall for that other big myth, that children in foster care in the U.S. are somehow more damaged and less able to fit into a family than children from overseas orphanages. Many great kids wait in foster care for a forever family, and their special needs are no worse than those of overseas children. Furthermore, most states provide monthly adoption subsidies to age 18, ongoing access to services, and other support to help families successfully adopt from foster care.

Also, you mentioned that the agency turned you down because your income taxes showed that your family's wages were below the poverty level. Actually, that guideline is mandated by the US CIS (Immigration) and applies to all applicants across the board, to ensure that internationally adopted children do not become welfare recipients because their new parents cannot support them.

In closing, I do want to commend you for the spiritual applications you made, especially about the cost of our salvation. You are a talented writer who evokes an emotional and spiritual response from your readers. That's why it's vital that you consider researching more carefully before writing an article which many will accept as providing accurate information by which to guide their own adoption journey.

Sincerely,

Alison Foster Davis
Executive Director
Family Connections Christian Adoptions

In your post you state inccorectly "Under Ethiopian law, it’s illegal for a child with living parents to be adopted." One of the recent changes implemented by USCIS is a requriement for the US Embassy to interview living birth parents before issuing an orphan visa. Obviously, the US would not be issuing visas in violation of Ethiopian law. My only other comment is that, in light of your message, it seems uncheritable of you to pass judgment against BFAS without the benefit of knowing. Surely if Agitu has something to answer she will be called upon to do so.

Wow wow wow. Praise GOD you were delayed and didn't end up going with that agency. What a nightmare! And can you imagine the poor families that have already adopted, wondering if maybe their child had a set of parents back in Ethiopia?

My husband and I have also talked about adoption, but we're sort of at this place where, if it IS to happen, God will have to give us a clear financial footing to do so. Right now, I'm pretty sure we'd be flat-out rejected because we live on very little (although I would argue we have an awesome life and see miraculous provision from God, but I'm not sure we could put "miracles" down as supplementary funds).

For what it's worth, I've heard nothing but GREAT things about Bethany Christian Services from a TON of people all over the country.
www.bethany.org

Peter and Alison,

Thank you for your comments.

It is true that my post did not address domestic adoption from the foster care system; that is a route that is much less expensive. But I was nowhere falling for the "other big myth" that foster care kids are less 'adoptable' somehow.

$30,000 was the upper figure in a recent table of adoption cost averages (which I linked to)--averages among many different types and routes to adoption. I did not pull this number out of the air. Most adoptions are expensive, even given the tax credits. My family certainly doesn't have money like that to spare. And just to be clear here, we don't own a house or a car and don't take vacations. For US, adoption is expensive compared to, well, what we have--or rather, what we do not have.

I was clear with BFAS that our poverty income was a temporary factor of our student status. By the time our dossier would've been complete, we would've had an above poverty W4. I'm aware of CIS's requirement. My point in bringing that up was not to say that it was unfair--although, in a sense it was, since the previous years W4 didn't accurately explain our situation--but mostly to explain why our application was unsuccessful.

To the best of my knowledge, Peter, Ethiopian law DOES require proof of orphan status in order to process an adoption. What the US requires is something different and not

Also, to be clear here, Peter, I am not the one passing judgment on BFAS or Ms. Wogadu. Ethiopia’s Charities and Services Agency already did that. My point in bringing this unfortunate episode up is that international adoption is ethically fraught--and still worth pursuing.

Alison,
Forgot to say WHY we were not considering adopting from the foster care system--we were not and are not prepared for the twists and turns involved in that process which include matching and placement before finalization.
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We became foster parents almost 10 yrs ago because we wanted a larger family, and were unable to have more children. (We have 2 "homemade children"). My husband was living in another part of the state due to a job change, and separately, but together, God laid adoption on our hearts.

Wow! What a wild ride...! We were certified in December of 2001, and looked high and low for that "perfect" child to fit and complete our family. After 6 months of frustration and unreturned phone calls from various agencies, our local Dept of Social Services called us with a "respite" case. 3 siblings ages 6, 5 and 3 years old...Would we take them for a month? Well, here we are almost 11 years later. These first 3 foster children never left, and have become part of our forever famly. IT has not always been easy, but Nothing ever worth anything is easy...if it was, anyone would do it! Praise the Lord he has given us a spirit of perserverence and a determination to see these children through their brokenness and disabilities. I cannot imagine life without them, even though many of our friends, acquaintances and family said- what are you doing? We had our older children well on their way to being grown, and we could have started to "kick back".... BUT our God doesn't call us to be comfortable or complacent. He calls us to minister to others and LOVE them, as He has loved US. There are many, many children right here in the United States that need loving families and stable homes. But more than that, there are many children who have NEVER heard the Gospel message. Thank you God for calling us to help in this great work. It is only by his strength, love and faithfulness that we can help our children in this journey called adoption. Thank you Rachel.

I love what you said in response to Joyce's article, which basically accused Christians of adopting only to evangelize. I applaud your transparency regarding your desire for a newborn, yet recognizing the need for adoption of older children. I especially liked your closing line - it does feel like you are totally vulnerable in the adoption process.

I have been encouraging my readers to pray for the upcoming Orphan Sunday, Nov. 6, 2011. It feels appropriate to share today's prayer:

“Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that of the 2 billion Christians in the world, 7% would show hope to a single orphan, looking after the child in their distress. I ask you Lord to convict the church around the world that if we did this, there would effectively be no more orphans. Lord, I ask you to show each of His followers that we can each do something. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

May we be His loving arms.

I agree with you adoption is really a long journey but i think its one of the best things to do if we want to prevent child trafficking(of orphans)and all. Nice post though.

I'm glad some voices have chimed in for domestic adoption, a route my husband and I would like to consider someday. I've always wondered why Christians seem so eager to pursue international adoption when so many children are languishing here in the U.S., and as someone pointed out who can be adopted for little or no cost. It's not either/or, surely, but I think high proflile international adoptions by Hollywood-types have perhaps glamorized international children at the expense of our closer "neighbors" right next door in need of our love, too.

@Wondering - I strongly disagree that it has anything to do with Hollywood. I know many people who adopted internationally or who wanted to adopt internationally long before Angelina Jolie* became a household name. I truly believe, at least for Christians, it has to do with what God lays down on their hearts. What does it matter if a person adopts domestically or internationally? The fact is they are adopting and providing a loving home for a child in need.

*I can't tell you where I read this but I remember reading that one of the plans that Angelina and Brad have for their children was to train and educate them so that they could go back to their home countries one day and help others. While on one hand I think that's putting a lot of expectation and weight on the shoulders of a child on the other hand if handed well, delicately, and if the child wants to do this I think that right there is a brilliant reason why international adoption should be encouraged.

I would love to adopt; when my wife and I discussed it, we decided we want to adopt a kid that is at least 5 and no more than 8 years old. Unfortunately, we have enough issues paying for the things we already need and/or have that it just isn't possible.

Also, we looked into being foster parents (but not adopting the kids); our fear with that is that we'd get too attached to a kid we'd have to give back.

This was an interesting article and discussion. I have wanted to adopt since I was a little girl, but had given up on the idea until a few weeks ago when my husband and I started tentatively discussing it again.

We have seen some extended family struggle mightily with several children they adopted through the foster system, and it has been terrifying and heartbreaking to watch. They also had to return the children back to their parents several times over 6 or 7 years before the adoption was finalized which was absolutely wrenching. That is definitely one of our main reasons for focusing on international adoption, because it is hard to imagine going through that - selfish as that may sound.

I, too, love the idea of a healthy infant with absolutely no family who just needs us and can grow up only remembering being part of our family. But I know older children need families - and a loving place to heal - just as much, and that there are no guarantees either way. It is just scary and that is why it is so important to know that God is leading.

Please pray for us as we consider this!

I wanted to address the issue of why some parents choose international adoption. For us, it was because of the plight of girls in other countries. Our daughter would have been illiterate, and easy prey for pimps or traffickers upon aging out of an orphanage at 12 or 14. In her country, there are 11 million orphans. In the US, there are about 125,000 children eligible for adoption at any given time -- and those kids have many more safety nets, including basic things like foster families, public school systems, and government-funded health care. We were moved with compassion by two native missionaries from our daughter's country who talked about rescuing baby girls left to die after they were abandoned at birth.

Please have a little charity for those of us who adopt internationally -- we aren't copying celebrities, and our children are not fashionable accessories. Our daughter had a bleak future, and today (four years after coming home with us) she is a thriving, growing girl. And we are certain that she blesses us far more than we have blessed her.

"adopted kids "don’t know the flags of their home countries” but know "Jesus Loves Me, " "

How many street children or child slaves know either the flag of their home country or "Jesus Loves Me" ?

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