Her.meneutics: Why Teens Drift Away from Faith

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« Success, Honor, and the Legacy of Joe Paterno | Main | Why Every Workplace Needs Feminine Bosses »

November 17, 2011

Why Teens Drift Away from Faith

It may have to do something with their marginally Christian parents.

Amy Julia Becker

Every week after Sunday School, I try to figure out if our kids have learned anything. Do they understand the stories they heard? Do they know the characters? Do they know God’s love for them? Do they understand anything about sin or forgiveness or praise? Usually, I get reports about coloring and friends and blank stares when it comes to the Bible. My ears perked up last week when Penny, who is almost 6, mentioned Jacob. I was all set to get the picture Bible and review the story from Genesis when it came out that Jacob was a kid in her class.

There’s a part of me that wants to outsource our children’s spiritual education to our church. My once-daily habit of “quiet time” has mostly fallen by the wayside due to the incessant demands of getting our whole family ready to walk out the door at 8. I stumble when I try to explain forgiveness or sin in terms our children might understand. We do pray before meals and before bed. We do talk about God and Jesus. We don’t do “family devotions,” though we do sing “church songs” in the car. But I worry that as my kids grow up and become more independent, they will fall away from the tenuous connections I’ve offered to God.

And so when I saw the book Sticky Faith: Everyday Ideas to Build Lasting Faith in Your Kids (Zondervan), by Kara E. Powell and Chap Clark (both at Fuller Youth Institute), I immediately wanted to read it. It is less directly applicable to parents of young children than I had hoped, yet it still offers both a big picture foundation for passing along faith that will “stick” with our children and many practical suggestions for how to do so. Powell and Clark combine their personal experience as parents, anecdotal evidence from conversations with college students from Christian homes, and analytical research about what makes faith last to offer a comprehensive and very readable book that both encourages and challenges parents as we attempt to pass along our faith to our children.

On the practical side, Powell and Clark offer suggestions like incorporating children into faith-based family decisions such as giving money away. They recommend praying deliberately and consistently for your children, emphasizing character over achievement, and talking openly and honestly about faith with your child, giving room for their doubts and questions as “students who feel the freedom and have opportunities to express their doubts tend to have more Sticky Faith.” And they emphasize the role not only of parents but of the church at large; they advise finding mentors for your child and call upon the entire church to better involve and include youth in the life of the congregation.

Powell and Clark also acknowledge the difficulty inherent in passing along the faith: “40-50 percent of kids who graduate from a church or youth group will fail to stick with their faith in college.” And while they hope their suggestions will change those numbers, they are also quick to recognize, “There is no simple list of steps you can take to give your kids a faith that lasts. Part of what makes parenting so demanding is that easy answers are rare.” Throughout the book, they return to the theme of trusting God with our children even when they seem far away from him.

But at the end of the day, one of the biggest measures of whether our children will know Jesus is whether they have watched us know Jesus. That doesn’t mean we need to be perfect Christians who never lose our tempers and always demonstrate patience and love. It means we need to be transparent about our humanity and our salvation in our habits, our attitudes, our actions towards our kids, and our actions towards others. Their findings reminded me of a study conducted by the National Endowment for the Arts about reading habits in America in 2007. The study showed that the highest predictor of reading habits came not from whether or not parents read to their children (though that was a key factor), but whether or not parents themselves read in the presence of their children. In Powell and Clark’s words, “It’s who you are that shapes your kid.” When it comes to faith, our kids need to see us doing it—reading the Bible, praying, going to church, forgiving other people, and living lives of love and service to God.

Sticky Faith is ideal for parents of kids in late-elementary and middle school, although it is applicable for parents with children of all ages. Much of the advice Powell and Clark offer could also apply to “spiritual parents.” I hope there are many teenagers coming to know Christ even if they aren’t meeting him via their biological parents, and their leaders could benefit from the words in these pages.

I’d like to read Sticky Faith again in a few years so that I can put some of the recommendations into practice. For now, I’m grateful for the exhortation to follow Jesus in ways my kids can see and touch and understand every day. I’ll keep peppering them with questions when they come home from Sunday School. But I will also try to make my own faith more visible to them. Kara Powell dedicates this book to her mother, “who modeled Sticky Faith for me every morning, coffee cup in one hand and Bible in the other.” I hope one day I can have kids who say the same of me.

Sticky Faith is available from Christianbook.com and other book retailers.

Comments

Speaking from my own experience: When I was in youth group, a lot of the kids were, indeed, raised by marginal Christian parents who hoped hat the youth pastor's influence would make up for their own lack of discipleship. It didn't. A Sunday-morning Christian rarely produces anything more than Sunday-morning Christian kids, but more often produces apostates.

But then there's the other extreme, which I encountered more often when I taught at a Christian school: The parents who didn't really disciple their kids, but instead were heavily legalistic. Acts of devotion and religion were mandatory. As a result they became acts of hypocrisy when the parents and teachers were around, and not practiced at all when the parents were away.

Much as we'd like to guarantee that our kids come out Christian, we can't expect it to happen by osmosis; nor can we expect it to happen by fiat. Children need to authentically love Jesus and want to follow Him themselves. Yes, as parents, we need to raise them to be model citizens, but when it comes to their relationship with Jesus we have to recognize that we are their sisters and brothers in Christ. Not their taskmasters.

You've got some good thoughts here, Amy. I especially appreciate "They recommend praying deliberately and consistently for your children, emphasizing character over achievement, and talking openly and honestly about faith with your child, giving room for their doubts and questions ..." and "When it comes to faith, our kids need to see us doing it — reading the Bible, praying, going to church, forgiving other people, and living lives of love and service to God." Our responsibility to our kids in this regard is based on our responsibility to God and I have found that it is much easier to carry it out if I see it first as a blessing that God has delivered into my life, the blessing of being able to model my faith to my children and foster their own understanding of God as well.

But I wonder about this part: "But at the end of the day, one of the biggest measures of whether our children will know Jesus is whether they have watched us know Jesus." The only measure of whether our children will know Jesus is that of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 2:12-14). We know that no one has failed to become a Christian because of a failure on the part of any other person since the Father himself delivers his own into Jesus' hand, from which they will never be snatched (John 10:28-29). Our children may certainly learn of Jesus if "they have watched us know Jesus", but whether they know him personally is up to God. Our responsibility, privilege and blessing is to do our part as parents to live our relationship with God in such a way that our children see it all the time, and to teach them as we do so.

So how does this play out in my family? We pretty much did what you've outlined here and trusted God for the results. Now our two kids are in college, active in ministry and foreign missions, and growing in their relationships with God. We are very blessed indeed.

Tim

I've thought about this a lot as I grew up in the Church and have since seen many friends (who were raised by Christian parents) end up apathetic or even hostile to Christianity. My husband and I are newly married with no plans for children in the foreseeable future, but we have talked about how we can present more than simply a moral life and how we can how the Church as more than simply a social club. I also appreciated Tim's comment that "whether [our children] know him personally is up to God".

Callie @ A Chance To Die

I have to agree more with Tim. Just like there's nothing you or I can do to achieve our own salvation, there's nothing we can do to ensure other people receive it. Salvation is a work and a gift of the Holy Spirit. You can ask God to use you, but the glory goes to him; he will not keep someone out of heaven because of your failure either.

How you minister to your kids.. shouldn't it be the same as you would minister to any unbeliever? You can shove the gospel into someone's face, but without the holy spirit working in their heart it doesn't become light. God give parents childern as care givers, but ultimately their salvation is a work of God so no man can boast. I think many parents in the Church have little to no experience with sharing the gospel with non-believers. Their idea of "outreach" is based on church programs, giving out food at food shelters.. etc.. none of it is bad. But all of these activies are only a foot in the door to ultimately share the gospel to lead into discipleship. I think parents who never been disciplers( more or less just being the very needy disciplees who never mature) will "outreach" to their own kids with this same kind of program method. Always having them enrolled in the church programs but lacking the discipleship to bare real fruit in their lives. And being a discipler isn't just lecturing people but leading a person to see just how beautiful Jesus is. I would also guess these same parents would lack serious prayer life that seeks the Holy Spirit to open their kid's heart to Jesus. I guess its because they don't see how beautiful Jesus is and take their kids to church with the guilt that they need to teach their kids "morality" in the framework of christinaity. This is no different from how parents in other major religions like islam or hinduism would take thier kids to mosque or temple to learn "morality". Maybe serious christian parents should first be a disciplers of other immature christians or even non-believers in Jesus before they have kids.

If our faith isn't lived out at home and in every area of our lives, our children will be in greater danger of falling away than if our faith is strong in these areas. The best opportunity to make a difference in our children's lives is to love them, accept them as they are, encourage and discipline gently, correct when needing correcting, bring Jesus into absolutely everything. But if Jesus isn't honestly in every part of our lives and we try to fake it our children will see through it.

From a practical standpoint, I think one of the big struggles the church has today is that we treat teenagers more or less like children, which they really aren't. Teens don't need to be entertained half as much as they need a chance to use their gifts for the kingdom, working alongside others who have more life experience. And yes, they need a safe, open environment where they can talk about their questions and doubts, instead of being expected to parrot Sunday School answers to the adults in their life. Come to think of it, adults would benefit from the same thing.

This article should be discussed in every church. There are no guarantees that our children will make wise choices in life, but we can love and live transparently before them and hope that they will "follow us as we follow Christ." We can't abdicate our responsibilities to others. No one else will love and pray for them as we should. Raising children is an awesome privilege and responsibility and we need wisdom and support as we do this job.

I always think of Adam & Eve who walked with God in the garden. It doesn't get any more personal, any better than that. Yet they made choices to move away from Him. Cain & Able were a 50/50 split. So yes, I think we do all that we are able recognizing that each person has the ultimate choice in his or her own life.

Our two children split down the middle - one became an atheist one a committed believer. An important part of my own growth was letting go.

I agree: "one of the biggest measures of whether our children will know Jesus is whether they have watched us know Jesus."

But it helps if the church is also doing its part to reveal God's character and help kids to internalize what they are learning. Try the Workshop Rotation Model of Sunday school.

It may take a village to raise a child, but it also takes good curriculum.

I totally agree with what Tim stated so very well!

I agree with Tim as many before me do. I would also like to suggest some articles by the Barna Group (www.barna.org) who have done extensive research on why young adults are leaving the church. I think it's more realistic as it addresses the many reasons and myths about why we're leaving the church, and it's less about simplistic solutions (e.g. parents just need to live out their faith better).

"Six Reasons Young Christians Leave The Church": http://www.barna.org/teens-next-gen-articles/528-six-reasons-young-christians-leave-church

"Five Myths About Young Adult Church Dropouts": http://www.barna.org/teens-next-gen-articles/534-five-myths-about-young-adult-church-dropouts

Parents need to turn off the TV and spend more time with their children. It takes teaching your children and living what you teach. Both are needed.

Why teens drift away from church....ok, did not read much that was not said, written and/or discussed 30+ years ago. Lifestyle Evanglism(sp) was a bible study I remember. And it is important to remember it is not the hip and trendy tunes, or blue jean preachers (at least at the church I attend) but indeed, parents, or close adults who can potentially develop the foundation that will keep the focus on Jesus Christ. It's good to have books every decade or so repeat the message with verbage that folks will relate to.

I have two kids, boy (15) and girl (12). They both gave their lives to Christ this October - without much pressure from me or my wife. I do understand that while the beginning is good, it is the end that matters. And so I pray for them often.

God does answer prayer, if you remember the part in the Lord's prayer that says that the glory belongs to Him. This means that you must want your children to be saved so that God's Name is glorified and not just so that I can be happy or so that you can boast about the wonderful children I have.

That being said, I also spend a lot of time teaching my children. I teach them how to think. It's like teaching people to fish rather than just giving them fish.

The earlier you start, the better. As they grow older, they are less inclined to listen, unless they greatly respect you.

You earn their respect by practicing what you preach, and humbly asking for forgiveness when you've wronged them.

I also teach them how to read the Bible. Nowadays, everything is diluted. The church has men and women groups and instead of studying the Bible the group will study a book by a popular Christian author. While reading Christian authors is not necessarily bad, it is better to do it after you are very familiar with the Bible.

But you have to know the secrets of understanding the Bible. And then you can teach it to your children.

You see, the Bible is a very powerful book. And if your children learn to draw from it they will be less fascinated with the world.

Another thing we need to practice and teach is courage - courage to be different from the world, and to accept persecution as part of our walk with Christ. Paul said that all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, and if you don't teach them to deal with persecution then they will not be able to live a godly life.

There's more, but this note has become longer than I expected, so I'll stop here.

Saw Kara Powell speak at the Uncover Conference last week, and she gave an outstanding talk - empowering, and evidenced based. But I would also commend the recently published book by David Kinnaman "You Lost Me - Why Young Christians are leaving the Church and rethinking faith", a thoughtful and again evidenced based contribution to how churches and parents develop their discipleship of teens and young adults

My experience? My kids attended parochial school grades K-8. The love of Christ was not shown to them much, but the atmosphere was more like that of elites who didn't want to sully themselves with the dirtiness of humankind. Sports was king, queen, and ruler. If you weren't a sports nut, you weren't anything. This did not teach them the Gospel.

The church youth group and the high school Campus Life group was pretty much the same scenario. Somewhere along the line, Christian parents seem to have decided that God wants their kids to be godly, but more importantly, He wants them to be cool and popular, so we pattern our church youth programs to be a popularity or athletic contest. Those who don't fit that market group might as well pack up and go home. On top of that, the youth hear of those "evil worldly" others who don't go to chuch and are out to destroy Christianity and then venture out into the bigger, wider world and discover that many of those "others" aren't all that much different than themselves. Some are even perfectly decent people. The result of all this? The youth feel they've been scammed.

We all know parents who have loved and served Jesus for years. They modeled faithfulness. But their kids chose another road.

We all know kids that grew up with little if any spiritual guidance or modeling. They are leaders of today's church.

Go figure.

We need to be careful not to create some kind of formula that will guarantee that our adult children will walk with Christ. In doing so, we set ourselves up for disappointment. And heap even more guilt on parents whose children have chosen a different path.

These parents are already living sorrow upon sorrow. Let's choose grace when venturing into this heart-wrenching discussion.

Thank you, Amy, for a terrific article and also all those who have posted comments on this gut-wrenching issue. Let us not forget that "drifted away" from faith does not always imply faith that is permanently lost, as our Savior continues to leave the "ninety and nine" to go find His lost children. All would be blessed by reading Abraham Piper's fine article about modern prodigals, which is reprinted at this site--
http://www.cpyu.org/Page.aspx?id=365925

Vicki said, The best opportunity to make a difference in our children's lives is to love them..." I'd add, without mother and dad loving each other to the max, in front of their kids, it's all a "sounding brass and tinkling cymbal." I'm a reformed believer who, like Paul, believes that those elected to salvation will be faithfully brought all the way home by the same unconditional grace that saved them. Those who "fall away" were never chosen in the first place. One thing that bugs me to no end. Keep a sense of humor about it all and demonstrate your thankfulness to the Lord by your words, actions and giving, especially to your own family.

This is great. Do you know of any good resources on how to pass on faith to toddlers? I struggle with this. I agree that it's important for kids to see you reading the Bible...but how to do this with a toddler running all around? I rarely read anything in front of her.

Rebecca, one thing we did from infancy was to sing hymns and praise songs a lot around the kids. They catch on to tunes so easily as they grown into the toddler age that it will surely stick in their memories.

Tim

I was deployed to Iraq in 2009-10. I had a CS Lewis reading group on Tallil Ali Air Base. In that year, I met dozens of young men who joined the Army because Church and Youth Group were so disconnected from reality. Could faith really be about games and the Mall? The Army gave these disillusioned young men a chance to risk their lives for something they believe in. Parents who model risking their lives raise brave kids. Those who only watch life go by raise the kids who look for reality somewhere else.

So appreciated John's comments (Nov 17) about teaching his kids
- to think independently
- to read the Bible
- courage.

It's so much easier said than done! One of the ways we have found it useful to concentrate on a character quality to develop is the "Family Annual Review." The kids give me feedback (1 thing I do well, 1 thing they would like to talk about me changing) and then I get my turn. Here is the link which describes it: http://www.home-is-fun.com/index.php?post/2009/01/The-Family-Annual-Review

The review discussion results in "a job for the year," a character quality to develop throughout the year. Specifically, the kids gave me the job to "go to my room" when I was blowing my top and not acting like Christ of Proverbs 15:1.

At the same time, I have the invitation to remind him of his job for the year...which is usually a Christ-like quality: honor of others because they are made in God's image, being a person of integrity, obedience as of the first request....

and very possibly this year:
- to think independently
- to read the Bible
- courage

Oops. I'm the anonymous one above!

A mother enrolling her children in our AWANA program said if being in a weekly Bible study besides Sunday church was important to adults to encourage walking with Christ then it was also important for children. 95% of the kids who go thru the AWANA program are still attending church as young adults in their 20's. Only 25-35% of kids who only attend Sunday School are still in church in their 20's. Of course we have to make AWANA fun to attract the kids. 1/3 fun, 1/3 teaching and 1/3 memorizing Scripture. Even kids with special needs thrive in the program. I recommend reading "Rock Solid Kids" by Larry Fowler. Our leaders and directors believe that God has called them to AWANA, not recuited thru "guilt" which makes a difference in attitude.

Children are raised with out the ability to defend their faith. Sunday School is important as well as living a Christian life and reading the Bible daily but when the secular world questions them of their faith, they are lost in the wilderness. If you can't answer the following three "simple" questions then how do you expect your children to be able to do so?
1. How do you know the Bible is true?
2. How do you know the resurrection happened?
3. How do you know the ark was large enough to carry all the animals?
Invest in a book about Christian apologetics, read it and then offer to be a teacher in your Sunday School program.

I'm going to take a different approach here. Check out Bradley Wright's book Christians Are Hate Filled Hypocrites and Other You've Been Told (http://www.amazon.com/Christians-Hate-Filled-Hypocrites-Other-Youve/dp/0764207466). He took some time to study all the other studies about Christians, including the ones about young people leaving the church. His conclusion was that they aren't leaving in any significant numbers compared to the last 30 years. Basically, he says to stop panicking and move ahead positively rather than reacting to the "sky is falling" attitude.

I agree with some here, the best things we can do for our kids is pray desperately, model our walk with Jesus as transparently and honestly as we can, and be truthful, even when we don't have a good answer for their questions. . . and most importantly--love them as hard as we can.

I think the first thing any child blessed to be living or have lived with Christian parents(or a parent)is to thank God for them.

My parents were religious at best and though my mother rarely attended church she made sure that I went regularly. Interestingly enough, rather than resenting this I have grown to love "the assembling together" with other believers in Christ.

I also appreciate the effort my parents made in keeping me in what my father called "the House of the Lord."

My parents, regrettably, had neither "sticky faith" or any other kind for that matter, but I am extremely grateful to them for sending me to God's House.

I would encourage Christian parents not to panic over the faith of their children. If two merely religious people like my parents could inspire me not only to walk but stay with the Lord, just imagine what two godly committed persons can do!

I realize I'm a bit late to the party, but may I also recommend Kenda Creasy Dean's work on this topic? Heard her speak a couple of years ago and it was fantastic.

Here's an interview with her on the subject - http://www.spu.edu/depts/uc/response/exclusives/Kenda-Dean.asp

Our nation is defined by the "a la carte Christian" who seeks comfort and affirmation and by the institutional pastorate that gives it to them in a doctrine-lite message meant to offend as few as possible. By prosperity preachers whose message is that a good life is one of material success and that the size of one's bank account is a reflection of your closeness to God; pastors who are afraid to stand up for the Word out of fear of offending their "mega-congregations" and thereby reducing their own "closeness to God," aka their cash flow. We have diminished and marginalized God and His principles in order to create a belief system that is about us, that is driven by daytime talk show hosts who peddle books by the latest guru and who pad their bank accounts by adding leaven to our already bloated sense of self-worth.

We are too seeker friendly and not Christ-centered nearly enough. We have more pastors concerned about winning congregants for themselves than we have those who are driven by a passion to bring people to God. Rather than being a corporate body that takes the Word to society, we are a Society of Individuals that infuses our own priorities into our religion. In doing so, we create a God based around ourselves; a protean deity that surrenders the truth to us only after it takes on our shape.

Excepted from The Four Pillars of the Kingdom
Available now on Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats.

Christian parents depend too much upon both sunday schools and church youth groups. Both these institutions in most cases are pretty much useless. My own experience in sunday school, over 40 years ago, was that I was taught by very nice, pleasant, civilized, little old ladies who knew absolutely nothing about Christianity. The early reformers, Luther in particular, encouraged Christian education in the home by the Head of the Household. Folks need to teach real doctrine to their kids in the home.

I know I am late in commenting to this post (ah, holiday prepping!), but I really wanted to say (to whomever is still reading) that this is why campus ministry is so important. As a CCO staffer (ccojubilee.org! check us out!), we know the statistics because we see it. Heck, I LIVED the statistic. I grew up in the faith, went to a CHRISTIAN college, and promptly left the faith. What brought me back to the faith was the prayer and life of my parents, and a few good mentors.

But seriously. Campus ministry is a pivotal mission field. So please pray for your local campuses. And if you are in a church within a 5 mile radius of a college, please reach out to your college students!!

I think that TV and media and all have distracted children. and the need to be better than others We need to always check what our kids are doing and stop them when they are doing something wrong. Nice post though.

I agree with the comments made about parents leading the way. If the parents adopt a, "do as I say, not as I do" philosophy children and teens will see through it. If a parent has made a commitment to follow Jesus, and lives their life trying to do so their children will more than likely follow. Of course this is not a guarantee that every family member will accept the Lord into their lives and live accordingly. It is, however more than likely the only way they will receive a knowledge of things religious. The home is the basic unit of society. When religion is not taught and lived in the home civilization will continue to deteriorate. The education system has shifted so far away from anything religious teachers hands are basically tied when talking about religion in a positive light. Parents may need to consider placing their child in a Christian School to enable religious and moral values to be taught. There is an article here that may be of interest. http://www.teenboardingschools.info/boarding-schools/christian-boarding-schools/

When my kids were 3, 11/2 and infant I cried out to the Lord to show my husband and I how to raise our children so they would walk with Him into adulthood and into eternity. He took us on a wild ride. they are now all in their 40ties and serving the Lord.

One of the ah-ha moments that has formed the foundation not only for my own children but also as a Children's Pastor - I share the story here http://www.kidtrek-sundayplus.org/2010/11/21/child-discipleship-do-we-over-protect-our-children/

I am presently writing a Children's Ministry curriculum that engages the whole church in the discipleship of the children. It provides intentional training for mom and dad also.

Sunday Plus also teaches the children to think critically about what they are learning. They have Disciplers who are trained and are committed to walk through life with them. It is not a curriculum (or more important - a philosophy of ministry) for the average church. However, for churches who serious about being intentional in the raising of the children it might be a breath of fresh air.

For the one who asked what could be done with Toddlers - http://www.kidtrek-sundayplus.org/2011/09/07/child-discipleship-intentional-discipleship-in-the-nursery/

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Many learners may have been revealed to the cravings of liquor and sex in institution, but in higher education, being away from house and mother and father creates the difficulties more challenging to withstand

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