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December 13, 2011

'But He Never Hit Me': A Christian Primer on Emotional Abuse

To answer the question, Christians must first understand the problem.

Jenny Rae Armstrong, guest blogger

Deb* still has a hard time saying she was abused. Her husband knew the Bible well and proclaimed his Christian faith boldly. They studied Scripture together, prayed together, and hosted Bible studies in their home. But a domineering nature lurked behind his confident, God-fearing front. He spent years tearing down Deb’s sense of security and self-worth.

“I had things broken around me, threats made to me, emotional games played on me—a knife held to my throat, a gun held to my head,” Deb says. “The Bible itself was even used as a weapon against me—always out of context, mind you, but used nonetheless.”

He blamed his outbursts on Deb, and for years she bought the lie that she was partially responsible. “I had to have been doing something wrong if things weren’t going well in a relationship that included God, right? I tried so hard to be godly . . . and the Bible told me to submit to my husband. Maybe God just wanted me to suffer a bit, to make me more holy. Besides, it wasn’t that bad—he never hit me.”

But it was bad, enough that their marriage disintegrated under the strain, leaving Deb brokenhearted, fearful, and ashamed.

Deb’s story is not unusual. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in four American women experiences domestic abuse in her lifetime, with emotional abuse present in the majority of cases. The numbers are no better among churchgoers (a fact supported by research, studies, and statistics in No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, by Nancy Nason-Clark and the late theologian Catherine Clark Kroeger). In fact, the difference seems to be that Christian women are less likely to seek help, because many believe the Bible says they must submit to their husband regardless of his behavior. When they do seek help, it is their churches they go to first.

Emotional abuse is a particularly sticky topic for Christians committed to the sanctity of marriage. While an increasing number of church leaders will suggest that a woman remove herself from a violent situation, they aren’t sure whether nonviolent forms of abuse merit anything beyond the suggestion that she “pray and submit.” The misguided advice many well-intentioned Christians give victims reveals a common misunderstanding about the problem—a misunderstanding some Christian organizations are working to correct.

Yvonne DeVaughn is the national coordinator of AVA (Advocacy for Victims of Abuse), a ministry of the Evangelical Covenant Church that equips churches to address domestic abuse. She explains that, contrary to what many believe, domestic abuse is not about an angry person losing their temper and lashing out at their spouse. Rather, it is a pattern of behaviors that people use to establish dominance in their relationships. “The common denominator is that it’s about having power and control over another human being,” she says. “It’s not about anger management—often you see that the person can manage that anger when they’re in social situations. It’s not about drugs, alcohol, genetics, biology, out-of-control behavior, or stress—it is about having power and control over another human.”

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Abusers use a variety of nonviolent tactics to keep their partners under their thumb. They may chip away at their partner’s self-esteem through constant criticism and name-calling, or intimidate them by yelling, using threatening body language, or displaying weapons. They may isolate the victim from family and friends, insist on knowing their every move, or keep them dependant by denying them access to financial information or accounts or preventing them from attending school or getting a job. They may humiliate the victim by manipulating them into performing degrading sexual acts or violating their religious beliefs, and may threaten to hurt the victim, loved ones, pets, or even commit suicide if the victim defies them. And of course, many abusers who are Christians twist Scripture to insist that the victim submit to their sinful behavior, using God as a weapon against their partner.

Here’s the distinction many Christians fail to make: Emotional abuse is not a relational problem, a symptom of an unhealthy marriage (although it can certainly cause both of those). It is a heart problem, stemming from the abusive person’s un-Christlike drive to attain and maintain dominance. Emotional abuse is a habitual sin that seldom goes away on its own. The church needs to treat it accordingly.

Telling the victim to submit to sinful behavior will rarely encourage the healing God wants to bring about in the life of both victim and abuser. Instead, it enables the abuser to continue down his or her destructive path, while their family pays the price. The best chance a marriage has for long-term survival is for the cycle of abuse to be broken, and for the abuser be brought to repentance (not just remorse) and get the help they need, preferably from professionals trained to address abuse. Churches can assist families in finding this help, and come alongside them to provide spiritual guidance, emotional support, and ongoing accountability.

Nowadays, Deb puts her painful experiences to good use, sharing her story with advocacy groups and encouraging women who find themselves in the situation she was in 20 years ago. She has made peace with her ex-husband, and can speak with him in grace instead of fear. “God has done great healing in his life as well,” she says. “Had we not divorced, I am not at all sure that would have been the case—not because God couldn’t, but because the need wouldn’t have been acknowledged and healing accepted. God’s desire would be to heal marriages. But the healing can happen on both sides only after the pattern has been broken.”

As the church, let’s help people break those patterns earlier, instead of later, and support them wherever they are in the journey.

*Full name withheld

If you are being abused, or think you might be abusing someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Churches can call the hotline to find out what resources are available in their area.

Jenny Rae Armstrong is an award-winning freelance writer and a member of the Redbud Writer’s Guild. She lives in northern Wisconsin with her husband and four not-so-little boys, and recently launched AVA (Advocacy for Victims of Abuse), a ministry that equips churches to deal with domestic abuse and sexual assault, in her region. She blogs at JennyRaeArmstrong.com.

Comments

Jen, I hope the message of this paragraph makes its way into the offices of church leadership around the world: Here’s the distinction many Christians fail to make: Emotional abuse is not a relational problem, a symptom of an unhealthy marriage (although it can certainly cause both of those). It is a heart problem, stemming from the abusive person’s un-Christlike drive to attain and maintain dominance. Emotional abuse is a habitual sin that seldom goes away on its own. The church needs to treat it accordingly.

Thank you so much for bringing this conversation forward, and for your extremely insightful and constructive analysis of the sin of emotional abuse.

Tim

This is such an important, oft overlooked issue. And I have not heard pastors address it in the church. In fact, I have concerns with the way prominent CHristian leaders like John Piper have addressed it. I have a lot of respect for Piper on some things, but he missed the boat when asked about abuse in an interview:

"Now that's one kind of situation. Just a word on the other kind. If it's not requiring her to sin but simply hurting her, then I think she endures verbal abuse for a season, and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church."--Piper

See full video for context: http://youtu.be/3OkUPc2NLrM

Often times the controlling and abusive person is extremely insecure and their behavior is an effort not to get hurt (again). Yet it's their defense mechanisms that actually drives their loved ones away. By the way, less sinister defense mechanisms also often keep folks from relating fully with one another.

The fullest answer is finding one's security in God's love in Christ. Most of Christ's best friends totally blew it at Jesus's most difficult trial, but He loved them through it and gave Himself on the cross. This strength sprung out of His relationship to His Father. We have to be willing to risk that our loved ones will blow it or even abandon us. Abuser's need to deal with their pain to the point where they can love unilaterally like Jesus does.

And I'm not giving anyone a pass. We are responsible to find healing in Christ. Everyone has pain, and we all need the healing that is in Christ to respond to it in a healthy way rather than a destructive way.

Very true, Ben. One of my hopes is that churches will take an active role in helping people who abuse address the underlying brokenness in their lives and teach them healthy ways of relating to others. But we can't do that unless we can recognize and name what's going on, and have the chutzpah to address it. Too often we only offer band-aid fixes that cover up the problem, but don't deal with the underlying abscess.

There are organization that have been very effective in helping people change from the inside out: the Duluth Abuse Intervention Program is a great one, and they have faith-based resources and training available. http://www.theduluthmodel.org/

I would like to know what Biblical justification John Piper uses for any wife enduring a season of verbal abuse, or being smacked one night, before the offending husband is finally called on his sinful behavior. Piper didn't just "miss the boat"; that is the kind of sick thinking that helps keep women in bondage.

Gotta love that Christianese, by the way..."a season"...how long does a season last, Mr. Piper?

Oh yes,

Sorry if I was unclear on that. Abuse is abuse and the church should not be enabling it in any form.

Thanks for the resource. I'm excited to look at it.

"Her husband knew the Bible well and proclaimed his Christian faith boldly"
Maybe Deb needs to reassess the "knew the Bible well" part, because "proclaiming Christian faith", as lights in a world of darkness is something seen as well as heard. Perhaps if we let God direct our views of marriage(as in Ezekiel, Jeremiah, or Jesus), instead of Paul, who if he was married, where was his wife? and if not....Sorry nothing against Paul, it's just that "most" of these "know the Bible well types" seem to quote only Paul exclusively.
Do the old vows to love, honor, and cherish(husband), and submit, honor, and obey(wife), have any Biblical foundation?
Does the Bible command a wife to "love" her husband?
Does the Bible command a husband to "obey" his wife?
Personally I have a problem with the word "abuse", used to redefine our society. Is requiring your children to do regular chores, abuse? according to CPS, yes! I have even been told that refusing to provide a cell phone, or internet access, to my minor child, is abuse!(United Nations), and they have a right to privacy, from me!
Did Jesus say "follow me and your existing marriage, and family life will be great"?
No...quite the opposite, "You will have trouble in the world", personal trouble.

Great Article, and the many like it. What I need to see though are articles addressing what can be done for the ABUSER. And also, lots more of the warning signs need to be told to girls (and boys) before they choose a life partner.

Thank you so much Jenny. It's hard to read, painful to acknowledge, and time for the church to address this. Great work.

Jenny,

This is an excellent post. Now, I think that the worst thing for good people to do, after reading this article, is to stand around and do nothing. 1 in 4 women are being abused. Let us look around at those in our churches--there's a lot of women (and children and even a few men) enduring abuse--even if they are not talking about it. How can we make our churches safe places? Can we provide them safe places to speak out and seek help? May your AVA organization flourish.

Issues of abuse and control are not just Christian issues, they are human issues. Our whole society, world society, is based around certain individuals controlling everyone else, in some form or another. In some sophisticated societies it is presidents, prime ministers, kings, Queens etc. In less sophisticated societies it is tribal elders of one kind or another. The whole world is run more or less by control freaks; why do we seem surprised when we encounter them in our own personal lives, in our families, where we work, in churches, when all society, under the surface, is about control, divide and conquer? This is the way the world is run, simple as that.

As Christians, we are meant to be in the world but not part of the world. If a person is becoming a Christian and joining a church to control others, I think they have missed the whole point of Christianity! And where issues of dominance in general, even biblically mandated, we should exercise extreme caution. History, up until very recent times, has taught us that where few people run everything, bad governments and war and terror might not be far behind.

While I don't want to suggest this topic is not important, one of my pet peeves is the use seemingly alarming statistics in order to make a problem seem more urgent. Where does the 1 in 4 figure come from? What is considered domestic abuse for the purposes of this number? Does "in her lifetime" include childhood? Does it include verbal abuse from a boyfriend who was subsequently dropped?

Because I don't believe that 1 in 4 women are currently experiencing an abusive relationship as Marlena seems to suggest. And I think when someone says this, it makes people skeptical and less likely to believe there is any problem.

Christine, I believe that the 1 in 4 was just missworded. The statistic that I have heard is that 1 in 4 women will be abused at some point in her lifetime.

@Christina and Anna: Yes, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime--meaning that an intimate partner such as a husband or boyfriend will abuse them. It does NOT mean that 1 in 4 are currently being abused, or that 1 in 4 men are abusers--many perpetrators are repeat offenders.

BUT, before we breathe a sigh of relief, we should also note that these statistic do NOT include child abuse, childhood sexual abuse (which is also a dismal 1 in 4 by the time a girl turns 14), rape or other forms of assault. While there is certainly cross-over, these statistics don't lump all forms of abuse together.

I think the fact that 1 in 4 Christian women EVER find themselves in that situation is ample reason for concern, and probably a sign that we are falling down on the job of modeling healthy ways of relating to one another.

Thanks for clarifying!

Isn't church all about controlling people? It tells you what to believe, what to think, how to behave, how to dress, legalistic do's and dont's etc. So I'm not surprised at all that the "control spirit" carries over into the home because it seems to be a natural progression of the control that is experienced in church.

Thank you for this article. It is very important that the church understand this if they really want to be safe places for all their members. I grew up in a Christian home. My father and grandfather were deacons and my mother a Sunday School teacher and pianist. My uncle was a pastor. And my mother was (and still is) a master at emotional abuse and mental games. And I was repeatedly sexually abused from 2 yrs old until I was 12 by several different people. And no one would have ever guessed.

As to the church, it has sadly been my experience that often, pastors/leaders do not want to help the women in their church who are being abused because they, themselves, are abusers. I think that until the church is willing to admit that there are abusers not only in the pews but in the pulpits, they will never be safe places for women or children.

Facing this truth can be hard - gut-wrenching and scary. But until the truth is looked at and known, there will be no freedom.

Smoke and fire are related. Pointless dealing with smoke without making efforts to quench the fire. Success of any marriage depends on how both partners of marriage work it out. Each partner needs toughness, yield points, and malleability so as to make them complementary to one another than confrontational. Perfect people don't marry! Though I don't condone the violence caricatured here, I am sorry to note the condemnatory approach this article takes to "bring out" the confrontational aspects (especially condemnatory focus on one party) and play soft on any complementary aspects (by favorable referrals to the other party). For a failure of a marriage (smokes seen), the fire (inhibited cause) is caused not only by one party but by both. Habitual sin is a good term, but should be applied impartially. Personally, I believe that any external help provided by anyone who is not a party to the married partners, should as much as possible try to help them in the complementary aspects of marriage and their parts they need to play in it, all to enable the marriage partners to work out their marriage. Any other purposeful intervention, is merely adding to the destruction of the institution of marriage.
S. K. Xavier

I think pastors need to make a point to tell couples in pre-marital counseling to seek help early with these issues rather than waiting until the problems become unbearable and entrenched. Ideally, couples should pledge not only loyalty to each other, but the willingness to seek counsel if one of them is unhappy.
Men need to be submitted to an accountable brotherhood or they will abuse their power in the home. If men can encourage one another more and offer support, I think there would be less abuse.

Thank you Ben - I agree with your post very much. My husband thinks he is a Christan and has very huge control issues because of abuses from his childhood. We have been married 21 years and I have "enabled" him for about 20 and don't want to anymore. He doesn't want to seek help and wants to "try harder" on our marriage and controlling his anger. I feel trapped because he wants to put effort into changing but doesn't want to get help. We have three teenage sons who have no respect for him but are taking on his traits. Thank you so much for this article which is a little more extreme then my situation but I feel the emotions of the article. Thank you Ben for your posting!

i agree with "joe"s post. I just came out of a very controlling, manipulative affair with the senior pastor at our church. Though i reached for help at times i was fearful no one would beleive me and those i spoke to just a bit to test the waters as to if they would even believe me or not ended up hurting me deeply in the end. He was remorseful to the church and board. But not repentful as he continued to torment me with his contact. Forcing me to change my number and other drastic steps. When i tried to reach out i was crucified and called jezebel and all sort of things. I became the one to blame and he simply moved away as he had no ties. The church is sadly more unequiped then wanting to admit in handling emotionally abuse...that can be equally as debilitating as physical abuse. My hope and prayer now is that the "church" would not ignore or shun the very deep need for for Godly restoration with out condemnation, and seek to equip itself with the understanding of how to deal with this sort of atrosity. The church is a place we should be able to run to not run from.

correction its Katherine Gunn article i agree with on abuse within the church.

It's not always the case that both are at fault in the marriage as one commenter maintained. There are times when one is abusive and refuses to repent or cooperate--despite the honorable behavior of the other. I think that should be clear.

I think that this is an extremely important topic as it is a much more common situation than churches want to acknowledge. I believe that misogyny is often alive and well in churches -but not often recognized or named because it sounds too "feminist". While either gender can demonstrate the desire to control and dominate, by far the most typical pattern in emotionally abusive relationships is that of the man controlling or oppressing the woman. And, unfortunately, the church worsens the problems with distorted teaching of headship. I believe that if we teach male headship and say that God has called men exercise authority in certain situations (which I do believe is biblical), then we need to acknowledge that the fallen side of the coin is that many men will naturally will tends toward abuse of power, oppression, and control. We have to acknowledge that this is one of the patterns of natural man and that it takes Christ's healing power to break those patterns and call forth a new way of headship: that of loving service and protection for the woman. The church needs to be bold and call out the old/broken/diseased pattern in men when it sees it, but this too often (and sadly) never happens.

This is a good post. I pray it helps someone seek help. Abuse comes in many forms. Unfortunately there is bad teaching in the church that says a wife should put up with it and be silent. I think this kind of idea goes back centuries when women were treated as property. I put up with lots of abuse when I was in my teens and 20s from men just because I wanted to be loved. I was screwed up thinking I was being a good Christian woman when in fact I was just so wanting to be loved I'd put up with anything. Thank you Jesus for revealing truth to me and others who find themselves in similar situations.

This could be my story. The day my husband left me for another woman, he said, I may not have been the best husband but at least I never hit you. A lesser man would have. I've often wanted to write a story about this because his statement completely summed up 11 years of marriage.

Thank you for the insight in this article. Perhaps all this time I thought the problems in my marriage were mostly my fault. I never seem to do the right thing...or the right way and no matter what I say or do...it is "wrong". I understand all marriages take work...but right now...I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I truly did not think it would make me feel this way...or should it? I just think it should not be so darn hard! I have sought counsel but my spouse "always has the answers and knows all the questions" so finds no purpose to going for counseling. Any suggestions?

I can sympathize with you R D. I went into this marriage understanding it takes work and that as with all relationships, there will be ups and downs. We had a short courtship prior to marriage and I thought we both were Christians who took the Bible as being the truth and guide. Long story short, a couple of years ago he admitted to me that he no longer loves me or cares for me and that he has known for a few years. I have bent over backwards trying to demonstrate love to him, have continued to pray, have read many books (5 love languages, fireproof marriage, sacred marriage, etc.). We have tried counseling and he no longer has any desire to go. I continue to pray for discernment, but he checked out emotionally a long time ago and isn't committed to fighting for this marriage. He admits he is simply indifferent. I don't know if I can go another 10-50 years like this.

Jenny - thank you so much for this article. I am in a journey much like Deb's. I was led by God to serve the divorce my husband incurred by his actions this past May. I've read the book you mentioned along with "Why Does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." by Lundy Bancroft and "Not under bondage" a book by Barbara Roberts (google her - she is awesome...her book deals with what the scriptures really do and do not say about divorce in case of abuse, neglect and more), and others by Patricia Evans. I've been in the Life Skills classes for the past 1.25 years. These books and classes fueled my passion for this topic...and the sad truth that many of these men do NOT do the hard work to truly change their life habits. I think the problem lies with what Lundy labels as our societal habit of "enabling men" to be the way that they are. So many thoughts that would take me forever to express here...but I detail much of my journey out of the "submissive" mindset and out of misguided "gender role" beliefs that our society and our Church teaches on my blog at www.realmamareallife.com

I am going to seminary to study the Bible in its original language and context so that I can better understand and address this issue. I personally think that stats of domestic abuse are more like 1 in 3...and I think there is a huge correlation to the divorce rate among Christians and this issue. I think God is trying to get us to realize that we are putting marriage as an idol above HIm and his true purpose to work in individuals first vs. in the institution He created in marriage. We are holding women and children in bondage...and the devoting so much energy in the wrong areas that we are draining our resources. My thoughts is if we address this issue head on, starting with the young and educating them more about not giving their personal power over to any other person...if we support divorce in the case of abuse...if we stop enabling these men to continue their patterns as the Church is called to do - we can unleash a powerhouse of workers for God's kingdom. Domestic Abuse is just another of Satan's tactics to keep God's kingdom from coming to the here and now....

Hope this all makes sense and that I can continue to follow you and perhaps even have the privilege of working with you in some way, shape or form to do the hard work I feel God is calling me into! Blessing to you!

I wish my former pastor had seen this article. He repeatedly told me to submit to my verbally abusive husband, and of course, my husband told me to submit as well. I later learned that my husband has a duty to submit to me as well, something my former pastor would argue. Using the Bible to abuse someone with is downright dirty.

My husband no longer abuses me and he works very hard to be a servant leader, much like Christ. But he didn't get this way from the church's teachings. He has been in counseling for months now and had to endure nearly a year long separation, as I refused to tolerate the abuse any longer.

Good for you, Lora. And for so many others of you who have survived. Good for those of you who have drawn the line and held their abusers accountable. God is not honored by our misrepresentation of His analogy of the relationship between Christ and the church. One of the most often quoted verses about wives submitting gives the reason that the word of God is not maligned. I see this as saying "don't let your personal relationships and the struggles you're having distract people from seeing who I really am, and the love I'm offering." If so, we've successfully taken the fast track to the other extreme where women who don't want to be made invisible servants subjected to the whims of a man are often reluctant to marry at all. A good, healthy marriage is a wonderful, freeing thing. An abusive one is an abomination to the One who created it.

Excellent post!!! How ture!! The "church" is where I suffer the worse physical and verbal abuse from a man that said he loved God more than anything. He sat on the front row every service. Physical abuse was mentioned in our church but never verbal. As I look back I realize that too was a form of abuse.

Thank God for deliverance and people like you who are willing to speak out about injustices inside the church!!

Kate (December 15, 2011 10:45 AM): Just a note to let you know I am praying for you. You sound weary of being the only one fighting for your marriage and I hope you will be even a little bit encouraged to know that a stranger is thinking of you and praying for wisdom for you today.

Many thanks for this article. The topic is one in which Christians refuse to become involved; until the need comes very close to heart. I am recently out of a 30 year " domestic violence/ emotional/physical/ mental " situation. It is a very devastating reality , when you have sought by many means, prayer being the most sought, only to have to flee for fear of the unknown behaviour patterns of your husband... professing Christian. It is hard to understand the mind set of one who has frequent outbursts , & sees NOTHING abnormal in them. To live with this is destroying to one's inner emotional health; as when the outburst will occur is not predictable ; hence one lives in constant fear for what might come . I kept asking God is this what marriage is to do? Finally after all these years , I made the decision to move out in the prayerful hope my dear husband would seek help. Sadly , this was not to be the case & only a more hardened man evidenced. He has since gone ahead & divorced me; my sadness is that there was NEVER any attempt to have discussions for WHY I left home . My church advised me to take this course of action & they would seek to get help for my husband. Unfortunately he refused & resigned his church membership. The hope I hold is God's unfailing faithfulness to His Covenant children ; one day forgiveness & repentance & restoration of friendship will be to the Glory of God. The power of the blood of jesus Christ WILL NEVER LOSE ITS POWER. May the church awake & hear the "silent" cries ascending up to the Throne of Grace, daily. For me, to love & serve His people is a joy & helps to keep focused on the "bigger" picture.We must act , NOW, as our covenant offspring are suffering many physicological effects which are life long & in my experience , continue , generation to generation.The curse MUST be broken . God is able .We must be open & honest & address the sinful problem

@Sarah: it brings me great comfort to know you are joining me in prayer.

As I mentioned before, I read many books/ articles that talk about it taking 2 emotionally healthy people to make a good marriage. What are we to do if we are the only ones fighting? I fear our children will grow up thinking this is normal that mommy and daddy aren't affectionate and don't exchange kind words (while I say them they rarely get returned). That they don't hold hands or hug. That it's ok to be the punchline of many jokes. That when it gets too much for mommy and she cries, daddy doesn't bat an eye. I take comfort in God's faithfulness, but how long does it go before you start to think this may not be a normal marriage issue? I have a really hard time being rejected in what is supposed to be the most reliable and unconditional relationship on earth.

It is no wonder so many men, and women who put up with them, cannot see their behaviors as abuse. Besides the tough-guy, macho imagery portrayed in films and videos, graphic pornography has spawned a whole new culture of men who feel entitled to women making themselves available for the most degrading and humiliating acts for their man's sexual pleasure.

And then, on Sundays, we are shamed by misogynistic, tough-guy sounding megachurch so-called pastors who bully us into giving them money - twisting scriptures about giving and spicing up their sermons with defiling sexual innuendo. "Come out from among them, and be ye separate" starts making more and more sense.

Please do us all a favor, stop reading the claim that the CDC says "1 in 4 women will experience abuse" on blogs that spread that misleading lie, and get to the truth. If we go with the current CDC definition of abuse its 1 in 1 women experience it. Its 1 in 1 HUMANS who experience it.

The truth on the statistical majority of verbal abuse claims is that it is arguing that ends with yelling....note I said most, majority, not all....but its crucial to realize that tossing in the term abuse, when describing why you are not into him anymore is a lie, search your heart, no...God does NOT "understand" anything based on your take on it. He sees the exact objective truth, and most of the time...yes, most of the time its a very documentable dynamic thats called verbal abuse.

Its contentiousness on the part of the man or the women, bickering ensues, escalates, man finally gets backed into a corner by wifes superior rhetorical skills and rabbit trails and hyperbole, and he yells.....then we all know what happens, the issue being argued is dead and gone, the new issue is....HE YELLED, wife wins by default. He yells again, wife cries......BAM! verbal abuse

If you do some honest reading of real deep and controlled studies, those that go beyond asking her if she was verbally abused, then confirming it with some whipped husband who finally attended some conference and now recognizes his with is the Holy Spirit in disguise.....double anonymous studies....verbal abuse is overwhelmingly perpetrated by women, OR its mutual....exceedingly rare that a little cowering angel is sitting there demure while the best abuses her.

Shame on you for believing it, and shame on the men here for your self effacement and attempt prove you "are not like the other guys" to get a cyber back pat from the ladies.

The Bible commands the man to "love his wife as he loves himself." That means that if he wants to be respected, honored, cherished, obeyed, etc., he MUST do this first! Christ, as the example of the "head" of the wife evidenced that this "headship" meant sacrificing himself, and giving himself up for her! When Ephesians speaks of "submission," the word that is translated into English is not accurate. The most accurate form of the word would be "reciprocate." If the man does not GIVE FIRST, as Christ did ("We love Him because He FIRST loved us"...), then the woman cannot possibly reciprocate. The man, Biblically, is expected and ordered to put his wife before himself, to give to her first, to sacrifice for her...even if it means giving up his life, just as Jesus did for "the church." It is the man who is supposed to make the woman pure and holy, which would mean treating her, ALWAYS, in respectful and pure ways!

This whole "headship" thing, and the "submission" thing is what has led to much abuse towards women on the part of their spouses. As several have mentioned in these posts, it has been misused tremendously, even by men who would never claim to be Christians. However, men forget to realize that they are to be submissive too, to God! And if they are not doing that, they cannot expect their wives, girlfriends, etc. to "submit" to them, because they are not in obedience to the commands and expectations of God, and they are not rightfully living the life of a Christian who seeks the Bible for guidance - they have no right using the Bible for their own gain. That is SO NOT what being a Christian is all about, nor is it the purpose of the Holy Book! Christians give themselves up for others, they are humble, obedient, waiting on God, submissive to God, not filled with pride, control, or domination, and they allow God to work through them for the good of others; none of which is seen in abusive situations. Further, it is never God's intention for women to remain in abusive situations, since it is life-threatening, and it does not adhere to the qualities that God sees in women, but, rather, it takes away the self-esteem and security of the woman and puts fear into them. That is NOT God-ordained! It is enemy created, and, as Christians, we are to put off the enemy, and to not submit to him. A man that is abusing his wife, his children, or anyone else is submitting to the enemy, and taking on his characteristics! For God is LOVE, not anger, hate, abuse, etc.!

This article is the best I've ever read on this important subject. Thank you for writing it and also for launching AVA. God bless your ministry.

empathological: If you read the article carefully, simply yelling is not enough to constitute abuse. The behavior must be manipulative, controlling and cruel, and yes, women are capable of this type of abuse as well.

The reason that the article did not focus on women as perpetrators is because no one in the church has any problem with calling out a woman on this kind of behavior. Many churches, however, cannot distinguish between an emotionally abusive man and a man being "head of the home," which is a sad commentary on the way some Christians view authority. A man who is emotionally abused by his wife is not going to be told to "submit graciously" for the season God has put him in, but that is the advice sometimes given to women. For this reason, the article deals with the church's response to women in this situation.

Bravo, Jenny.

Having survived an abusive marriage, I know firsthand that wife abuse is no different than child abuse. Evil has many faces, and it’s high time the church dealt with this issue accordingly.

I was a victim of emotional abuse, parental alienation, and infidelity during my marriage. It finally ended in divorce.

Living in that situation was overwhelming and depressing. However, it caused me to really get into the word for guidance and comfort.
As a result, I learned what the Bible has to say about emotional abuse.

The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it (NIV Psalms 24:1).
As humans, we don't own anything. Everything belongs to God, but He has chosen to make us stewards over certain things.
He has made us stewards over our own physical bodies and mental and emotional health. If we are married, our body belongs to our spouse.

The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife (NIV 1 Cor 7:4).
Many abusers will try to use that particular verse to get the spouse to submit to some very degrading sexual acts.

In light of this particular manipulation of scripture, I was encouraged and liberated upon really realizing that my body didn't just belong to my spouse, but it
also belongs to GOD - (Ps 24:1)
is the home of the Holy Spirit - (1 Cor 6:15-20)
is part of the one body of Christ - ( 1 Cor 12:13).
Those verses took power away from and crippled that particular manipulation of 1 Cor 7:4.

As stewards of our own individual spiritual, mental and emotional health, we are obligated to tend to our health. Emotional abuse is not healthy for the abuser or the victim.
These some very WISE proverbs for victims to consider. There are several characteristics of an abuser; one is anger.

Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself (Pro 22:24-25).
It's very important that we as wives and women don't willingly accept or submit to another person's anger because it can have devastating effects on our emotional health and spiritual life. Being a doormat is not consistent with being wise stewards of our vessels.

A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again ( Proverbs 19:19). Another characteristic of abuse is that it is habitual. It is so important for victims to take a stand against abuse. Otherwise, it will likely continue and perhaps escalate.

Another characteristic of an abuser is foolishness. Foolishness is synonymous with being short-tempered.
A fool is hotheaded and reckless (Pro 14:16).

An abuser is unreliable and his can't be trusted.
Putting confidence in an unreliable person in times of trouble is like chewing with a broken tooth or walking on a lame foot (NLT Pro 25:19)

I was a victim of parental alienation. My ex would often slander me in front of our son.
The Lord hates a person who sows discord between family (NLT Pro 6:19).

Stay away from a foolish man, for you will not find knowledge on his lips (Pro 14:7).
This creates a whole submission to husband conflict. When that husband is hot-tempered, foolish and inflicts abuse on his wife, she will not be able to effectively submit to him because he is not submitted to God.

Abigail knew this. She refused to submit to her husband’s foolishness and abusive attitude. Her husband’s very name - Nabal - meant fool. Although she was not able to save her husband’s life, her wise actions and refusal to submit to his foolishness and abusive attitude caused the lives of others in her house to be spared. King David himself recognized her wisdom. After her foolish husband died, David made her his wife (1 Sam chapter 25).

There's another wife in scripture who suffered greatly because of her husband's abusive attitude. Vashti refused to submit to her intoxicated husband’s unreasonable request. She valued modesty and would not promote lustfulness. She believed that a wife’s beauty should be reserved for her husband only. The king’s friends were angered by her refusal and encouraged the king to exile Vashti, and he did. (Esther chapter 1) This is a prime example of how many husbands use their position of power to abuse defenseless wives. It’s also an example of how many husbands express love for their neighbors and friends outside the home, while treating their wives with utter cruelty. This is why Paul had to spell out (Ephesians 5:25-32) for husbands.

Resolution:
I'm convinced that we as women must be well versed in the Bible. Far too much of the Bible has be taken out of context and/or neglected in order to oppress women. However, there is much in the Bible that actually liberates, encourages and gives women a means of recourse. But if we don't study it for ourselves as individuals and as a groups of women, we will not learn all the Bible has for us. Very little of it is being taught in church. I thank God for this forum and this article. It's exactly what we need to get and keep the dialogue going!

It horrifies me to think of people twisting Scripture to chain someone into an abusive relationship, but then, we humans are creative, aren't we?

I wonder if we needn't dig up so many verses to undo the "wives must be doormats" interpretation of "submit." Take the words in Genesis of Eve being a "helper suitable". Submitting to someone's sinful acts isn't helping them, it's allowing them to go on sinning (and suffering the consequences). Ideally, a suitable helper would do what she could to warn him and get him help, even leaving him and reporting him to the police, if necessary. Not many women have that kind of fortitude, so it's up to the church and the rest of us to help.

(And we shouldn't forget the men who are victims of manipulative and emotionally-abusive wives.)

Is there a way to deal such problems without going on to separation or divorce. Because the bible says let no one separate what Lord has brought to gather

I grew up in an abusive home - my mother was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive but often also physically abusive. She still tries to tear down my self-esteem whenever she gets the opportunity, because she needs me to feel bad about myself in order to continue to be able to take out her rage on me and blame me for her anger and problems. I have stopped speaking to her off and on over the past several years, and I decided recently that, in order to be an emotionally healthy person, I can't continue to have a relationship with her.

She's stolen so much from me. She stole my entire childhood, and now she has the satisfaction in knowing that I will never be able to get married and have children. She's beat me down so much in life and succeeded at destroying any hope I have for a good future.

Unfortunately, the church has added to my feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Several years ago, I was in an abusive relationship with a christian man I met on a mission's trip. He was using me until he could be sure he could get accepted into school and find someone younger, thinner, and prettier. I finally broke up with him after several months of being emotionally terrorized and finally slapped across the face. The women in my bible study were all in agreement that god must not have a husband planned for me since he had willed my christian boyfriend to abuse me. Of course, it wasn't really abuse, because EVERYTHING happens in accordance with god's PERFECT WILL, PERFECT TIMING, and PERFECT PLAN. And, in case you're wondering, he did end up with someone better, and I'm the one who ended up alone.

Honestly, I don't think that god is really loving or good. He's never protected me or provided the things that I needed as a child growing up. I thought when I met the boyfriend I had on the mission's trip that god was finally answering my prayers - that was a joke. I'm 35 and probably already infertile - I know I don't have a future. I think the best thing for me to do is to commit suicide. It's what I should have done a long time ago to escape all of the abuse that god planned for my life.

Emotional abuse is as horrible as physical abuse or any other abuse for that matter. I know someone dear to me who is suffering just this and I would love to share this post with her. Thank you so much.

To Anonymous:
It breaks my heart to read what you have experienced. It is NOT your fault and it is NOT God's will for you and your life. I am so very saddened that the women in your church reinforced that thinking in you. Yes, God had a perfect plan, but if we were living it out, there would have been no need for Christ's sacrifice. Please know, YOU ARE IMPORTANT to Him. GOD LOVES YOU and does NOT relish in your pain. PLEASE find someone - preferably from another church that you can talk to and that will help you to find the resources you need to start the healing process that YOUR Lord wants so very much for you. DO NOT stop seeking until you find someone that tells you that you are loved by God and is willing to help you.

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