Her.meneutics: The God of Awkward Virgins

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« Should Christians Take Antidepressants?: A Response | Main | Why Identifying as a Republican—or Democrat—Can Be Idolatrous »

December 7, 2011

The God of Awkward Virgins

Can he be trusted?

Anna Broadway

Watching clips from the new TLC series The Virgin Diaries, which debuted Sunday, is a bit like seeing Borat, The Yes Men, or another feature-length “you’ve been had” films. The show profiles virgins in their late 20s and 30s, most of whom are choosing to save sex — and their first kiss, in one case — for marriage. Debuting as a one-hour special this Sunday, it is casting for future episodes and has already prompted criticism for exploiting its subjects. The subjects kiss awkwardly at the altar, choreograph their first night while swinging and riding teeter-totters at a park, sing songs about abstinence, and discuss “reclaimed virginity” during a backrub chain in one woman’s bedroom. Only the virgin by circumstance is shown in adult settings, like a dinner out with friends.

The trailers don’t specify why the subjects are still virgins, but it’s fair to assume that at least a few of them are waiting because they are Christians. So, if nothing else, The Virgin Diaries is a chance to bravely acknowledge our common ground with the socially awkward and other fellow believers who prove hard to love.

But there are other, subtler ways a show like this challenges us. Even the brief clips in the trailers get into your head as pictures of people who probably got here because they entrusted their bodies to God (at least in some cases). And what kind of God does that conjure in your mind? Be honest.

If you were to work backward from depictions like that to the being who created such people and whose instructions have supposedly shaped their lives, you’d probably think of someone with a flaky scalp, ill-fitting suits that could nonetheless serve as a tourniquet on wayward desire, and a voice not many wavelengths off from a fingernail on a chalkboard. Someone more interested in your adherence to (often petty) rules than your well being and joy.

A god like that is not someone you invite into your life. He's not someone to whom you cede control in the midst of crisis and success. That’s someone you force yourself to talk to and then retreat from as soon as possible—which may partly explain why 80 percent of unmarried Christians have had sex, as Relevant magazine reported in September.

Is that a true portrait of God, or one of the caricatures author Matt Mikalatos calls an “imaginary Jesus”?

The biblical God is one who provides food for all creatures, from the biggest fish to the smallest mite. Who put many-colored beauty and diverse fragrance into even the most fleeting flowers. Who comforted a eunuch turned back from Jerusalem after a 1,000-mile journey with the words of Isaiah, which explicitly promises eunuchs “a name better than that of sons and daughters … an everlasting name” (NASB). Who gave up comfort, wealth, and intimacy to take up an itinerant life before experiencing a brutal death that cut him off from even his most beloved—all so that he could pardon even his murderers, should they repent and be reconciled to him.

I don’t know about you, but to me that’s a portrait of exquisite tenderness and beauty. And that’s even without considering all the ways I have personally experienced God’s kindness and care.

When I am standing in front of such portraits, revisiting such stories, I want to trust God. In fact, I want to entrust him with even more than I already have, because a God like that would surely bring about much better, more beautiful things than if I were to left to imagine and act on my own.

But when I am doubting, fearful, and tempted to despair that God could ever bring anything good in my love life, or a husband with whom I’d want to share my body, I’m thinking of a different portrait. Not a true one but a plausible one, when you listen to that insidious voice that, since Adam and Eve’s debate on fruit snacks, has whispered: God is not good; he doesn’t know best.

Perhaps this is why the Psalms and other biblical texts so frequently urge the reader to remember God’s faithfulness. Remember how he brought you out of slavery to freedom and the wealth bequeathed with the Egyptians’ gifts of jewelry and clothing. Remember how he stopped a mighty river so you could cross. Remember how he provided water and food in a desert where you had nothing to eat. Remember, remember, remember.

If we have committed our lives to God, we have done so because we are persuaded that he is real and good. But daily acting on that trust means repeatedly reminding ourselves of his character, in specific and concrete ways. After all, we have an enemy bent on spurring distrust.

So if you watched The Virgin Diaries this weekend, go read Song of Solomon or Genesis 2 or Exodus or Isaiah or the Gospels. Or ask a friend to tell you about a time God showed up and took care of him or her. Retell some of your own stories. You may even want to revisit physical artifacts of such encounters with his faithfulness, be they a car or a purse, a scar or a book or even a street.

There are too many sneering caricatures of our God out there for us to just passively trust him. Loving God with our whole heart, might, and soul takes deliberate, repeated retelling and richly embodied practices.

Anna Broadway is a writer and web editor living in the San Francisco Bay area. She is the author of Sexless in the City: A Memoir of Reluctant Chastity and a regular contributor to Her.meneutics.

Comments

I like the approach of this article. Shows like this really do help to cast God as an old fuddy-duddy, when in reality, he is the source of all beauty.

The show itself is just ridiculous. Christian or not, EVERYONE has been a virgin at some point and had their first kiss, and they don't all happen like that. This has nothing to do with waiting for marriage.

There goes the media again, furthering stereotypes of religious and conservative people by highlighting extreme cases.

It's funny, what kept bothering me for a long time was having an ability that was unused. It made me feel incomplete and being physically able was a mockery. Then a couple days after watching Soul Surfer it made me think that that was what Bethany Hamilton was like at first glance-the shoulder stub without an arm actually helps identify her. Now really I would like the poor girl to go back to her beloved beach and be left alone and not have to have swarms of teenage girls thinking she is a prophetess. But none the less her stubby shoulder helped remind me that unused abilities that seem to be left as a mockery are really just changed in their purpose.

I still want to marry some day. I no longer feel quite so aggrieved that I wasn't able to.

Hi Katelyn,
Let me suggest reading also Jeremiah, or Ezekiel as well. It seems that the part where God refers to "His people", as His wife, and refers to their worshiping of "other gods" as adultery, is nearly never talked about. Umm do You think maybe the mixing of new age thought, Yoga, self help, inner balance, psychology, etc. with our spiritual walk, might be seen by God, as a husband might consider his wife entertaining male guests, in his house, while he is at work?
For an excellent historical testimony of spiritual virgins, and the extremes the world has gone to in spotting that, read Foxes book of Martyrs:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/22400/22400-h/22400-h.htm
Loving God with our whole heart, might, and soul takes deliberate, repeated retelling and richly embodied practices...like carefully searching the scriptures...

Can He Be Trusted? Can He Be Trusted?!?
.
It’s not as if He merely *says* He loves us. He has proven, in the most graphic manner conceivable, that we are, indeed, His

“Beloved”

Beloved, how can you be troubled now
This final hour of unfriendly night,
When Christ has pledged, as with a marriage vow,
To take you to His house of cheery light?
If lavishly He spilled the bottled wine
To celebrate your love; if eagerly
He slipped into the thorny ring as sign
And seal of purest sworn fidelity;
If joyously He cast the veil aside
To steal the honeyed kisses of the mouth
That named Him as her love and she His bride,
How can you suffer any foolish doubt
That He shall shortly take you home as wife
Whose worth to Him He measured with His life?

He who created romance and marriage – does He have our best interests at heart? Does He care about our longings and hopes? Christian, look at His cross again and ask, “can He be trusted?” The answer is “hidden in the obvious.”

I didn't know the show existed and I'm quite ... saddened, I guess. I wonder why the couples decided to go on this show in the first place, or what they were told the show would really portray. I'd imagine that the editing had a lot to do with the outcome.

The part that stuck out to me a lot here was that 80% of unmarried Christians have had sex. I've been really troubled lately by how many Christians misconstrue (purposefully, in some cases) sex. A lot of Christians (and maybe it's more confined to the younger generation? I work with college students, so that's where I see it.) don't necessarily see premarital sex as a sin. I think the article makes a good point, too -- your characterization of God will determine whether or not you would abide by His Word. Honestly, this is why it's imperative that every Christian learns HOW to read the Bible and move beyond merely reading it to be inspired for the day or for "what I can get out of it." We read Scriptures to know WHO GOD IS.

Hm. Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent. This was an interesting post.

Anna, this is such a wonderful insight: "If we have committed our lives to God, we have done so because we are persuaded that he is real and good. But daily acting on that trust means repeatedly reminding ourselves of his character, in specific and concrete ways. After all, we have an enemy bent on spurring distrust."

And then to suggest that we go on to read Song of Solomon - perfect! It's not that our desires are too strong, as C.S. Lewis said, but too tame. God has more pleasure in line for us than we could ever imagine (and many that will turn out to be much greater than sexual pleasure, I'm sure).

As Rachel (sparrow) said above, it's important to be doers of the word and not just readers. (James 1:22.) And after all, that is the way God has designed for us to learn about him and grow in his pleasure. "Come and share your master's happiness!" (Mt. 25:23.)

Good job, Anna, very well written post here.

Tim

The media capitalizes on "the strange." Of course, in our sex-saturated culture virginity is considered a strange “occurrence” --even though everyone is BORN that way! The media is looking for “proof” that keeping your virginity is an odd, and even unnatural, expectation by showing individuals who are awkward and unrealistic when it comes to physical expression. The ways these messages are delivered to us undermine Christianity. In addition, casual or ambivalent viewers are led to believe that this commitment is illogical and silly and further evidence that God “probably doesn’t exist.” Be YOU and be holy….people are surprised when they hear I’m still a virgin. NOT because I seem loose or anything like that, but because I’m not afraid of sex and I’m not repressed. A lot of people assume that “waiting for marriage” = repressed. WRONG! We know our nature and we resist temptation. But we also know that God made sex and He made it good. I’ll be ready to enjoy it within God’s context of marriage.
PS—the world isn’t so good with understanding that there are Christians who deal with life differently but adhere to the same Truth.

So Mark Plus, you advocate sexual intercourse outside the marriage relationship? Got any scriptural support for that? If so, it might advance the dialog here. If not, it's just a matter of clashing value systems.

MsPom, your post brought up fond memories of my Hawaiian honeymoon. No, not those memories! I'm talking about a conversation on the boat ride out to snorkeling at Molokini. The captain of the pontoon boat asked the couples how many were on their honeymoon and about 12 hands went up; only one couple was not honeymooning. He then asked how many of us honeymooners had not lived together before the wedding. 10 hands went up. He was flabbergasted, saying he'd never seen that kind of response to this regular informal survey. We all assured him we were not putting him on.

Thanks for the memories,
Tim

I watched the show, and it wasn't as "bad" as I thought it would be. The producers obviously picked people who would be entertaining/shocking to viewers, but they weren't as "old-fashioned" as I thought they would be.

What threw me off, though, was the three roommates who were virgins (or re-claimed virgins), and talking about their ideal guy. After their blind date, and finding out that all of the guys were also virgins, I assumed that all of them were Christians and were virgins because they valued waiting until marriage. But then one of the girls said that she wouldn't have sex on the first date, but maybe the third or fourth, I was taken aback. Are these girls virgins because of their moral standards, or because of faith? I actually don't remember any of the people on the show stating that they were not sexually active because of their faith. I don't know whether that's good or bad - would it make Christians look good for taking a hard stand, or would it make them look conservative and backward? I don't know...

I wouldn't be surprised at all if they edited out any references to their Christian faith. Rachel, it saddens me that young Christian couples don't acknowledge or believe that sex before marriage is a sin. Do the college students not read the Bible, and not understand what fornication is?You are so right that everyone needs to read the Bible and learn "who God is". I believe that there are far too many churches that don't teach much more than happy feel-good messages, and continue to teach just the "milk", and never get into the "meat" of the Bible. I married at 29, and we were both virgins, and I'm so glad that we both waited. The Bible mentions many times that it is a sin, and people of all ages need to know that God means what He says. Mark 12:30 says: "And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your stength."

1Thess 5:23 "I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ"

Gal 5:16 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh."

If people are afraid that they will be mocked and called names over their virginity, how will they persevere if they really need to stand up for their faith in a life and death situation? We need to be so strong and sure of our faith that we will stand for our faith in the worst of circumstances. I believe that we are in the end times, and that there will be increased persecution of Christians. I pray that young and old alike will stand up for their faith, as time will bring increased persecution. We need to put on the full armor of God, as described in Ephesians 6.

I haven't actually seen the show, but have read about it online in various places.

One thing that got me wondering was, what was the need for the show at all?

A show about people who are remaining virgins until marriage, some of whom are a bit awkward. What is the point in that? Apart to further widen the us vs them of the media that virgins are somehow alien in the rest of 'modern' society.

Even though these people are moral or Christian people who saved sex the very fact that they have gone onto a show like this creates a disparity. The show is fully centred around their virginity, and this screams to me that they are also focused on their flesh, not on spreading any good news about Christ.

Being a pre-marital virgin is all good and well, but it isn't the only aspect of any of these people. To go on a show about it just seems in poor taste to me.

I could be wrong, but is just my view.

I suppose we all that are / or have not and are waiting have are reasons personally speaking I want more its that simple ...once you have spent time with and in the presence of "thee groom' in the presence and had a taste of REAL LOVE waiting becomes non optional The God that is all and is responsible for all is larger than life he does not give life but himself is life he is LOVE everything else at best is an attempt or a shadow we try and love , give love , but somehow it is not the same and it is hardly ever without something in it for us . We as girls desire the ring , the dress , the husband the party the process BUT when you mature in the LORD you no longer desire the ring but the owner/ creater of both the mountain and the earth it came from , your teritory is enlarged 10 fold ..you begin to understand the married are single and the single are married ... yes I get lonley , and frustrated it comes with the flesh but anything God gives me is affordable he makes it so .. but when you step outside his will you may find the PRICE is to much and you may pay a lifetime and after for it ... as for the " SHOW' I expect noting less from the world ... forever "feasting on scraps" .. and to Anna kudos for putting this out there ..and for being a source of encouragement .

Victoria has an interview of one of the show's participants over at the Ruby Eyed Okapi blog: http://rubyeyedokapi.com/2011/12/02/tlcs-virgin-diaries-show/ It's really informative about how at least a few of the participants made it onto the show.

Another thing that struck me about the show is it's promotion that it is about "adult virgins" according to the TLC website. Frightening that they felt the need to clarify the category of virgins. Says a lot about the society we live in.

Tim

Tracie, I too thought it was ironic that people committed to virginity were on a show that was all about putting their sexuality on display. Rolley, I loved the poem.

Now to what I like to call "The Myth of the Forty-Year-Old Virgin." That is, the depiction of losing one's virginity as a right of passage (thus implying that those who are still virgins have not fully grown up), and the portrayal of virgins as social losers who are too awkward or unattractive to get a date. I consider this a symptom of our culture's collective denial about the role of self-control in real maturity. And it is fed by a Darwinist assumption that humans are animals who must behave by instinct (rather than choice or reason) where reproduction is concerned. As someone who grew in the church and a Christian school, it took a long time for me to realize that I too had been influenced by our society's negative image of virginity. I can only imagine the intimidation and pressure some girls must feel in more secular environments.

The notion of reality television taking on the issue of "virginity" has the same effect on me as fingernails scraping a chalkboard.

It is awfully frustrating when virginity is portrayed as a lifestyle for geeks and hopelessly socially-inept individuals. Granted, there are some people who fit that bill, but not all virgins are like that. Wouldn't it be more helpful to provide a well-rounded look at virginity, particularly those who undertake virginity for religious reasons? TLC has struck a pretty decent balance with their "All-American Muslim" show, in terms of providing a balanced, varied group of people and helping to eliminate some stereotypes. Why not do this with virgins?

But, then, this is also the network that brought us "Toddlers and Tiaras," "Kate Plus Eight," and "Sister Wives." Methinks their biggest goal is sensation, leading to the all-precious ratings idol. Too bad. If only this was the only media example of making fun of virginity, it would be easier to stomach.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I hate TLC and MTV. Seriously. I won't watch this show. Why? Because I feel like TLC is MOCKING virgin's! While I applaud the people on this show I can't help but hate and dislike TLC even more. Seriously! I have been to SO many wedding and NONE of these couple's first kisses looked like that!

With that aside, I'm a teenager and sometimes it's hard to be the only girl not to have had sex or been kissed yet. Or even had a boyfriend for that matter. But I really don't care because I know it will be worth it! I've been writing letters to my future husband and I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me and my future husband! :)

It's so true! People don't fall for lies about sex unless they've fallen for lies about God first.

The 80% statistic breaks my heart. It breaks my heart even more because of the Christians closest to me who've fallen for those lies and now have irreversible consequences to deal with: some of my best friends and, most heart-breakingly of all, at least for me, my husband. Uniformly, every Christian I have ever known who was in a dysfunctional dating relationship tried to fix the relationship by having sex, instead of seeking God`s will and the counsel of older, wiser Christians and either addressing the problems or getting out. It baffles me completely. Any married couple can tell you that sex solves nothing. Ever. It`s an expression of things already going well. It doesn`t make things go well.

I read a CT article by Gina Dalfonzo which stated that the abstinence movement needs to start being more honest and not making blanket promises of fairy-tale marriages for teenagers who wait, and instead encourage abstinence out of a desire to obey and honour God. I agree completely, but I think this post provides the much-needed second half of that truth. That God is good and faithful, that the things He asks of us are good, and that He will always, always meet our every need when we trust Him to, and that we will never ever be sorry we obeyed Him.

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